As the commercials flash away, Interviewer Interviewer sits across from a Mack Arianlacher. The tones of the room is muted. On screen, a banner reads the following: “Exclusive: Mack’s big announcement!” Mack is wearing a fine suit, but he looks a little washed out. His face, normally grinning, is tense and stiff. It’s obvious that he is very uncomfortable here. Interviewer Interviewer does not seem plussed, but is clearly also stressed out. After a few seconds of silence, Interviewer begins to talk.
“So, Mack. This is my second time talking to you in as many ways. Today was supposed to be the day of a pretty major press conference, but you cancelled it and reached out to me. Why?” Interviewer asked, seemingly really confused.
A few seconds of silence punctuate as Mack seems to be freezing up. His fists, gripped into tight balls, begin to turn pale from lack of circulation. After a deep breath he opens his mouth to speak.
“Um, well, um I —” Mack takes a sip of his drink to compose himself, where it’s obvious that his hand is shaking. He almost spills on himself before proceeding. “To be honest, I’m not a huge fan of talking to a lot of people. The fact that this interview is being live broadcasted is scaring the bejesus out of me. That’s weird to say right before I tell a bunch of teams to pick me because I’m ready to perform on the biggest stage in the world, but it[s true. I prefer to let my actions do the talking.”
“That’s very fair Mack. Just remember, the stream is on a delay, so if you say anything that is explicitly terrible, we can cut that part of the feed,” Interviewer said, reassuringly.
Mack eases, smiles, and gains a mischievous glint in his eye.
“Wait, so does that mean I can make this joke? A civilian, a government agent,, and a fascist walk into a bar, the fascist says — [feed cuts for 81.91 seconds before returning] — and then the civilian said “wait a second, how can this bar exist if giraffes don’t exist!”” Mack shouts.
The recording room is filled with laughter. Not only is the interviewer laughing,but you can hear the sound guys, the director, and Mack all howling with laughter. Once the interview resettles, Mack obviously feels more comfortable, and is ready to proceed.
“Anyways. this is to discuss one simple fact: will you be ready to make a shift in position when you enter the NSFL?” Interviewer asked, leaning forward to increase the tension.
The camera switches to an over-shoulder shot of Interviewer. It zooms in onto Mack’s face while he gets ready to speak. Piercing the silent, he speaks the affirmative.
“Yes,” Mack says. “Yes I am.”
“Why the switch?” Interviewer counters, digging for a bigger story
“I just want to get drafted higher, and I think this is the best way to do it. I know everything is more or less decided, but [I need the money] I want to illustrate some positive reasons for drafting me! I also really have some QBs I want to tackle, and on the defensive line I also have the chance to make some big plays. Pumping up the stats aren’t super important but it’s always nice, you know.”
“Do you fear that you might be rusty at a new position?” Interviewer considers, hoping to stretch this interview to [1000 words] increase adspots for his broadcasting corporation.
“I don’t think so. I don’t know how many teams know this, but I actually played Defensive Tackle in college for a little, before I made the switch. I’ve made some big tackles at some high level situations, so playing as a DT or DE is a place where I know I want to be. So yeah, I think that’s pretty exciting! Hopefully, whatever team drafts me is willing to give me guidance and show me some new techniques or schememe me, because the whole “lots of tackles but no big plays” gimmick got boring in the DSFL fast. I’m going to be a menace, and no one can stop me. Heh.”
“Let’s talk about the draft. Where do you think you should go?”
“I’m hoping to go first overall, obviously. I think I’ve been proving myself quietly and that teams have taken notice. Additionally, for any team that’s looking to improve a young core I’m planning to stick around for a while. A DT/LB that’s looking to tear things up can relly help out a franchise long-term. Additionally, especially if taken with the 1st overall pick, I’m looking to stay dedicated to the team. Whether it’s NOLA or someone who trades up to get it, I’m going to be wearing their colors for a long time. I don’t believe in pledging or swearing or anything, but I’m excited to become a local favorite for a long time to come.”
The interview switches to the studio.
“Thanks Mack for talking to Interviewer. We really appreciate your candidness and hope you find a forever home. This has been Studioman Studio-Man, for Interviewer News Media, signing off. With one final plea — Mack has been great and is ready to do some great things. Other than working with our reporters, he’s proven to be one of the more interesting and caring members of this upcoming draft — don’t make a mistake, lets draft Mack.”
Official Statement from Mack Arianlacher: Mack Arianlacher, the Lachness Monster, is excited for his future in the NSFL. I am confident that if you draft me, you won’t regret it and if you don’t draft me, you will regret it. It’ll be a tough wait for me, as I’ll be refreshing constantly until Friday to check whether or not there are hints to where I’m going, but frankly, I can’t wait to put on the blue, or the orange, or the red, or the whatever of whatever team I go to. I’ll see you on the field, either as a friend or opponent.
“So, Mack. This is my second time talking to you in as many ways. Today was supposed to be the day of a pretty major press conference, but you cancelled it and reached out to me. Why?” Interviewer asked, seemingly really confused.
A few seconds of silence punctuate as Mack seems to be freezing up. His fists, gripped into tight balls, begin to turn pale from lack of circulation. After a deep breath he opens his mouth to speak.
“Um, well, um I —” Mack takes a sip of his drink to compose himself, where it’s obvious that his hand is shaking. He almost spills on himself before proceeding. “To be honest, I’m not a huge fan of talking to a lot of people. The fact that this interview is being live broadcasted is scaring the bejesus out of me. That’s weird to say right before I tell a bunch of teams to pick me because I’m ready to perform on the biggest stage in the world, but it[s true. I prefer to let my actions do the talking.”
“That’s very fair Mack. Just remember, the stream is on a delay, so if you say anything that is explicitly terrible, we can cut that part of the feed,” Interviewer said, reassuringly.
Mack eases, smiles, and gains a mischievous glint in his eye.
“Wait, so does that mean I can make this joke? A civilian, a government agent,, and a fascist walk into a bar, the fascist says — [feed cuts for 81.91 seconds before returning] — and then the civilian said “wait a second, how can this bar exist if giraffes don’t exist!”” Mack shouts.
The recording room is filled with laughter. Not only is the interviewer laughing,but you can hear the sound guys, the director, and Mack all howling with laughter. Once the interview resettles, Mack obviously feels more comfortable, and is ready to proceed.
“Anyways. this is to discuss one simple fact: will you be ready to make a shift in position when you enter the NSFL?” Interviewer asked, leaning forward to increase the tension.
The camera switches to an over-shoulder shot of Interviewer. It zooms in onto Mack’s face while he gets ready to speak. Piercing the silent, he speaks the affirmative.
“Yes,” Mack says. “Yes I am.”
“Why the switch?” Interviewer counters, digging for a bigger story
“I just want to get drafted higher, and I think this is the best way to do it. I know everything is more or less decided, but [I need the money] I want to illustrate some positive reasons for drafting me! I also really have some QBs I want to tackle, and on the defensive line I also have the chance to make some big plays. Pumping up the stats aren’t super important but it’s always nice, you know.”
“Do you fear that you might be rusty at a new position?” Interviewer considers, hoping to stretch this interview to [1000 words] increase adspots for his broadcasting corporation.
“I don’t think so. I don’t know how many teams know this, but I actually played Defensive Tackle in college for a little, before I made the switch. I’ve made some big tackles at some high level situations, so playing as a DT or DE is a place where I know I want to be. So yeah, I think that’s pretty exciting! Hopefully, whatever team drafts me is willing to give me guidance and show me some new techniques or schememe me, because the whole “lots of tackles but no big plays” gimmick got boring in the DSFL fast. I’m going to be a menace, and no one can stop me. Heh.”
“Let’s talk about the draft. Where do you think you should go?”
“I’m hoping to go first overall, obviously. I think I’ve been proving myself quietly and that teams have taken notice. Additionally, for any team that’s looking to improve a young core I’m planning to stick around for a while. A DT/LB that’s looking to tear things up can relly help out a franchise long-term. Additionally, especially if taken with the 1st overall pick, I’m looking to stay dedicated to the team. Whether it’s NOLA or someone who trades up to get it, I’m going to be wearing their colors for a long time. I don’t believe in pledging or swearing or anything, but I’m excited to become a local favorite for a long time to come.”
The interview switches to the studio.
“Thanks Mack for talking to Interviewer. We really appreciate your candidness and hope you find a forever home. This has been Studioman Studio-Man, for Interviewer News Media, signing off. With one final plea — Mack has been great and is ready to do some great things. Other than working with our reporters, he’s proven to be one of the more interesting and caring members of this upcoming draft — don’t make a mistake, lets draft Mack.”
Official Statement from Mack Arianlacher: Mack Arianlacher, the Lachness Monster, is excited for his future in the NSFL. I am confident that if you draft me, you won’t regret it and if you don’t draft me, you will regret it. It’ll be a tough wait for me, as I’ll be refreshing constantly until Friday to check whether or not there are hints to where I’m going, but frankly, I can’t wait to put on the blue, or the orange, or the red, or the whatever of whatever team I go to. I’ll see you on the field, either as a friend or opponent.
Code:
1009