(S19) - Ultimus Week

[ValorX77]

4. It’s that time in the offseason where we review all the great games and the ones we wish we could forget, if I were to resimulate a game, it would be Week 2 on the road against the Yellowknife wraiths. Originally, we were leading them by a single score and then the wraiths blew open the game with roughly five minutes left in the fourth quarter, but in this alternative timeline, cooter Bigsby gets sacked by Ryan Leaf Jr, Cooter also loses the ball that is scooped up by Leaf and returned 7 yards for a touchdown, the true horror was going to be realized, the Wraiths were down 2 scores against the worst team in the league! How would this affect the remaining part of the season, the Wraiths would still get a first round bye off of a head to head tie breaker over the hawks and yeti, while the otters pick up a home Ultimus advantage because of a better record than the Yellowknife wraiths. The playoffs are very similar except it’s the otters that lose at home during the Ultimus, 30-27 by a last second touchdown by Nate Swift, while the Wraiths end the otter dynasty waiting to happen

5. The Chicago Butchers are a team in a process of a rebuild, in which it would be time to replace aging players with the youth of tomorrow, who could one day bring the city of Chicago what it was dreaming of since it got a football team, capturing the league championship. The biggest need of the team is on defense, you don’t want to leave players like Leaf alone on a defense! It will be burnt like a paper in a fire pit. Defensive line is obviously a key position, an extra DT or DE can easily propel the team’s value back onto the class of the league. Next up is linebackers, both of these went inactive so we are forced to use the draft and even free agency to fill these holes out, most likely by the usage of the prospect draft. Cornerback is another piece that butchers need to fill out, with once again, inactives are becoming a stinger to Chicago’s plan to contend with the rest of the National Simulation Football League. Runningback is becoming something of an issue for the team, with the inactivity bug, once again striking the team, and forcing the team to figure out who could fill out the spot on the team.

6. Starting a team from scratch is not a very easy task, I’ve been through it like Chicago and Norfolk, two processes that need different pieces of attention, and a lot of patience, to build a power team that can contend for many years to come. The first thing you need to do, is to draft a few young but active players, to help you out, I’d recommend getting a young QB, a Running back, and a Linebacker to start off your process of building a long lasting contender, you’re off to a fantastic start if you’re able to get a couple good pieces off of waivers. You’re ready to to start contending, so start trading weaker assets for new picks, elite talent, and even a co-gm if you need one, because you don’t want to do this alone, it’ll make the process longer by a couple of seasons and could limit your contention window. Now you’re ready, begin sim testing to convince free agents to sign with your team, and give them bonuses to make your players have incentives to gain TPE and help your team grow and dominate the league, because you’re learning how to run a team the VALOR way.

7. This year, the National Simulation Football League has revealed something straight out of hockey, the dreaded penalty box! Players better not draw an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty or they’ll be locked in the box for 2 minutes, or even 5 minutes if they try to start a fight with someone who wants to fight! The first known player who would likely go in the box is Sunnycursed, who is known to have a mouth filled dirt, and frequently talks crap to refs throughout the game, and will earn his way to a one way ticket to the penalty box, which would mean a possible punishment from the league itself! The next player who will find his way to the box is Ryan Leaf Jr, who despite being one of the more friendly guys in the league, can find himself in hot water while pushing over offensive linemen, he can find himself in the box for 2 minutes for roughing, 5 minutes if he did that against an opposing a quarterback! The last player who will find his way into the box is Corvo Havran, for bringing a phone to the game and watching anime in the middle of a game, not only getting fined, but boxed!

[pazuzu]

PBE Task

[Leafer]

1) Playoff Predictions, Reviews
So for the first round, there are 4 match ups here. Between the Wraith and Liberty, thee wraith took this one which was a low scoring game and it was a pretty close one as well so that was fun. Between the Yeti and Hawks and wait the yeti are in the playoffs which is very surprising to see because I have always seen them suck but not anymore but they lost to the hawks and there was on hope during the game. The otters being the otters just beating the hell out of the outlaws. NOLA is still good and they beat austin which is not surprising.

The second round is pretty interesting with two matchups and they were not even close. The wraith absolutely killed the hawks scoring 55 runs and allowing less than 20 which is a slaughter. The otters once again won as always and go to the ultimus.

The ultimus matchup is between the otters and wraith, we can go back in time when this happened before in the MIke Boss era and the results are the same as the otters win as always. So that was the review of the playoff matches that happened and it was very entertaining to see and lots of close and not close games.

5) Offseason Needs
Well here is the thing, I do not have a team because I am a DSFL Draftee so I am unassigned but I can talk about teams that do need a certain position in the DSFL and that is the QB position. The pythons need a QB, tijuana needs a QB, Kansas City needs a QB and the Buccaneers need a QB so those are the teams that need a quarterback because of their current quarterback being called up and that is all fine and good. So the fact the matter is, you need a good quarterback to be successful and that is how you win an ultimini. There are lots of quarterbacks in the s20 dsfl draft and I think there are 5 quarterbacks available in this draft so that is the best chance for a team to get a quarterback for this season. I do not know about other positions, maybe a receiver would be a great addition for any team. I do not have a team like I said but I know teams that need a quarterback and I listed the 4 teams that need quarterback and that is a special key to being successful in the regular season and the playoffs.

8) Scouting Report
I will love to type a scouting report on one of the draftees from the DSFL Draft, of course it is my player. He is of course the quarterback in this draft class and possibly the best draft class in a long time and this is a very good draft class with a lot of quarterbacks but my quarterback is the best. I have created a quarterback before so I have experience and I was the best QB in my rookie season before I switched to defense which I became a legend at. I know how to make a good player and I know how to make a hall of fame player. George already won the ultimini before he even entered the DSFL draft which shows how much of a good luck charm he is and how good he is. He did not even need to be in the field and he still got the championship. George is a max earner who will do anything to get TPE and make an elite quarterback, he might even be the best and top draftee in this stacked class so yeah, that is my scouting report on my player which is very easy to do because I know this player very well.

16) Dynasty
Any team I join will be a dynasty because I am a dynasty creator. I have a good luck charm which can get us a championship. I already won the ultimini and the ultimus and going into the hall of fame so that is what a dynasty needs. I have been part of dynasties and I can be part of more dynasties. I can join any team and make them a dynasty with the quarterback I am. You need an elite quarterback and there you do, a dynasty. Tom Brady was part of a dynasty because of how good he was and that is the same to me. Any team I join will be very lucky and they are geniuses to pick me and they have themselves a dynasty.

I do not know what else to convince you but I can also recruit people because I am not hated and I can get more superstars to join my team and that can build a dynasty with how stacked the team would be. I am a quarterback so I do not need help, I can just carry the team with decent receivers to wins and championships and there is nothing else that can be stopped with me in the team.

[nunccoepi]

Brotherly Love For Blackstone who he plays for generally isn't that important. He justs want to be a good DE, BUT there is one exception. He has a a deep deep love for the Tijuana luchdores. this is the most important part: He DOES want to be drafted by Tijuana. I (the user) spent many seasons there as a GM and won three Ultiminis in a row there. So, basically, I'm as much of a legacy pick as I can possibly be. I've talked about it with the team too. I'm not going to give away any draft strategy (to be honest I don't really know any), so I can't say whether or not they'll even end up drafting me. That's something that needs to be worked out between the GMs in the absolutely messy way they work those things out. So, I'm sorry if that is a disappointment for anyone. For what its worth, I actually really enjoyed the opportunity to be a part of Myrtle Beach and it seems like they have done an incredible job with the LR and the team overall. As a former GM for like 10 seasons, I can say that I'm impressed and anyone would be in good hands there.

#10 Commissioner Ok well first of all, its an absolute travesty that @ADwyer87 is stepping down. Actually no, not that he's stepping down because I know what's its like to be in too deep in this league and need a break and I can guarantee that no one has been more deserving of a break than Dwyer. What's a travesty and complete bullshit is the fact that Dwyer seems to be blaming himself for some kinds of problems in the league. That's ridiculous for its own reasons but before I get to far off base I'd say that that's the thing I would change first about this league and the next Commissioner if I could---and to be honest I don't really know how. But it sucks in too many good people and turns them against themselves with too much work and too little benefit. If there's one thing I learned its that people like Dwyer do what they are doing because they want others to experience the really cool nature of this league too. And that's it. Unfortunately though its the internet and its full of also shitty people who will whine and complain about anything even to the point of totally fucking with someone like Dwyer's mind. And it'll be that way for whoever the next commish is. But again, I don't know how to get over that. The best that I've seen is some HO's stepping down from HO after only a few seasons for mental clarity. And honestly, it seemed to do them good. Maybe we need to institute something like that. A limit on the number of jobs, and for some of them (maybe just HO), a limit on the length of time. Because this has to stop.

#12 Interview a Draftee @iseedoug interviewed me (link to his post):

Q1: Since you were picked up by the MB Bucs in S19, do you want to be drafted by them in S20? Go somewhere else? What factors into your DSFL team desires?

Good question. I actually don't want to be drafted by them. But I don't want anyone to get the wrong impression. I actually really enjoyed my time with the Myrtle Beach Bucs, but I have been a Tijuana Luchadores fan my whole life. I was a fan from before they became an incredible franchise so as much fun as it was to play for MB, its always been my dream to play for Tijuana.

Q2: Do you want to be a one and done DSFL player? or Stick around in the DSFL longer?

I haven't given it a lot of thought. I suppose it depends on how I feel like my career is going and what I want to accomplish. I'm a team player so whatever my teams need of me that's where I'm at.

Q3: Once you make it up to the big league, is there a team you want to play with? or does the team not matter?

When I make it to the big leagues I don't care so much about what team I'm playing for, I'm giving it my all. I've always been a Baltimore Hawks fan too, but that one isn't as important to me as playing for the Luchadores. And, if the Hawks want me badly enough, then they know where to find me.

Q4: what are Immanuel Blackstone's long term goals? Break records? Win championships? or just be a team player and see where it goes?

All my goals are to be the best that I can be, to play my heart out on every play. And the rest will take care of itself. It's really hard to rock to the record books as a defensive end. But you know what's not hard? Blowing people's brains with awesome plays. Thats what I'm about.

#13 Get Interviewed by a Vet Verso L'Alto Interviewed @iseedoug's new character: link

[YoungTB]

Recruitment

There are many different elements of building a team to take into account as a GM. However, there are some that are more important than others. The first I will talk about is locker room presence. Having a strong locker room is very important in the NSFL, and it will attract free agents to your team. If you're putting in some great guys and gals into your team, then you'll see the results very quickly. More players will want to be involved with the team leading to more updates. Secondly, you're really looking for quality players that know how to update. I think it's more important to find dedicated players and people who are invested in the league, because then you'll get people who are guaranteed to update. This is more important than knowledge of the sim in my opinion, because the knowledge comes mainly from the general managers of the team rather than the players. You know what direction you want your team to take, and you can adjust this with telling your players how to update their players so that it fits the plan that you have for your team. Overall, being a general manager is hard which is why I am not one.

Commissioner

I would first like to note that ADwyer87 was a fantastic commissioner. He made decisions that others in head office didn't want to, and directed this league in a great way. It is with this that I'd like to salute ADwyer, and raise a toast to not only an excellent commissioner but a great friend as well. With that being said, there are many changes I'd like to see this league make. For one, I'd like to see more teams eventually. 10 teams are great, but it's kinda tough seeing the Orange County Otters win it every single year and make the playoffs even more. We need more competition, and I don't think we get it with 10 teams. Of course, this comes with expansion, but I'd truly like to see more teams in this league. I know that I'd lobby hard for a Boston team, but that's just me. Secondly, I'd like to see an improved updating system. Leagues like the SBA have incredible interfaces such as SBA Online, which makes the updating process a whole deal easier for both updaters and players. I know that there were talks of implementing such a system to the NSFL in the past.


Dynasty

While Justice Green isn't currently on a team, whoever drafts this young wide receiver will immediately become a championship contender. What are you getting with Justice Green you ask? Well for one, you're getting a hell of a player. A first one in, last one out type of player. A real lunchbox type of guy, scrappy, full of energy, a real gamer. He will give his all in every single practice and will work as hard as anyone in those games. Secondly, Justice is a humble guy. He hails from the streets of Compton, California. In dodging gang violence and staying clean from drugs, he found therapy in football. His father was a gang-banger and sold drugs, while his mother was largely absent from his life. However, Justice persevered and found his love in the game of football. Not to mention, Justice is a very smart player. He graduated from Compton High School with a 4.0 GPA and went to USC to play football. However, he spent all of his four years studying and earning a degree all while being a full-time NCAA athlete. Justice knows the stakes, and values his education above all. He's hoping to show the world what he can do.

Scouting Report

For this scouting report, I'd like to take some time to highlight a young up and coming wide receiver named Justice Green. Green was born in Compton, California and grew up in the slums. Through means of football, Justice found an escape from the constant gang violence found in Compton. Green is a bright player, graduating from Compton High with a 4.0 GPA. He's a fast player and has the ability to outrun nearly any player he goes up against. Not only that, but he's a big unit. He can go up and grab the ball, taking the top off the defense. He's definitely a "freak", a swiss army knife that can essentially do it all. Green is a humble player, truly a team guy. He puts the team first and is looking to win first and foremost. He loves the game of football and has been playing for years. He's a big gamer, and has incredible knowledge of football. He hopes to put up a solid career in this league, and is hoping to make his name known, showing the world that Justice Green is the next great wide receiver. Overall, Justice Green is going to be a great player for any team.

[KoltClassic]

3) Revenge

Talking about the Luchadores Ultimini loss will probably be a recurring theme throughout these write-ups, but I definitely would like to get revenge against the Grey Ducks next season. Of course, that comes with the assumption that I don't get drafted to the Grey Ducks this year. I have no bad blood against the team as a whole; this game is a business and when push came to shove they did their job better than we did on gameday. That being said, if I'm taken by another team that gets to play against the Grey Ducks next season I'll have a little bit extra motivation to make my presence known. They kept me without a stat line in the biggest game of the year; that is very clearly a learning opportunity for me. In their defense, Bakhtiari and Rocky are two of the best lineman in the league currently. They both put up almost 50 pancakes last season, and Rocky only allowed one sack during the entire season. They've got quite a wall built up in Minnesota, but my job is to knock that wall down however I can. You can bet that if I get another shot at it that is exactly what I'm going to do.

4) Resim!

It is tough for me to choose a game here as I had a rough end to this last season. I'll admit it, I didn't show up for the playoffs. I came out of the gate hot after being picked up by Tijuana with three sacks in the same number of games, but wasn't able to get a single sack during the playoffs. And I only managed one tackle during the playoffs! I'd have to go with the Luchadores Ultimini loss as the game that I'd like to resim. From a more selfish perspective, it was the game that I didn't have a single sack or tackle in. The more obvious reason that I'd want to resim this one is the 13-16 loss that we suffered in the championship game. We needed to show up in the trenches and we didn't. We let the Grey Ducks run all over us for 5.1 yards per rush on 38 attempts. They didn't even have that good of an average on their pass attempts ( they had 4.7 yards per pass )! Letting running backs run circles around you and not having a tackle to show for it is not a great feeling. I'll be looking to work on my tackling in the offseason to make sure that I don't slip up in the spotlight in the future.

8) Scouting Report



11) Heroic Performance

While it wasn't the best performance of the year statistically for Jed Podolak, running back for the Luchadores, his rushing game against the Pythons in week 1 of the season was a great showing. Podolak had a few other games throughout the season that netted him a better stat line, but with those games being against the winless Seawolves I didn't see them as being as important towards Tijuana's late playoff run. Podolak posted a stat line of 26 rushes for 152 yds and a touchdown in this game, leading the Luchadores to a 24-13 victory, giving Tijuana steam out of the gate that would lead to a 4-0 start to the season. His 5.8 yards per carry is extremely impressive given the high number of rushes he was given during the game, allowing Tijuana to stay run-first and grind out a victory. Podolak was also helpful in the passing game, adding three receptions for 14 yards to his numbers to solidify his nomination for offensive player of the game. Post 152 yards also aided Podolak in posting the 2nd highest rushing yards on the season with 1544. While this game probably won't go down in history as an all-time best performance, consistent performances like this are instrumental to bringing a team to victory and to the postseason.

[Ephenssta]

Ultimus week responses:

2) Holiday Bowl. This year’s Ultimus lands right in holiday season. What changes are made to this year’s Ultimus game to reflect the time of year?

It’s holiday season! Who doesn’t love watching some good football while enjoying fine rum during the holiday season? The tops of the stadium are decorated with colorful lights and those weird inflatable Santas can be seen all over the walkways outside the stadium and even in a few of the concourses around the stadium. The fans enter through security only to be bombarded by hundreds of mall Santas and those pushy bell-ringers from the Salvation Army at the gates. At least the kids in attendance get to tell about 100 different Santas what they want for Christmas, just to make sure he knows for sure what they want. The smoke from the planes during the flyover is red and green and the more suspicious fans subtly slip on masks, praying desperately that the chemtrails in these planes won’t make them gay frogs or something like that. The cheerleaders are all dressed like sexy elves and have festive themed pom-poms and dance routines for your halftime entertainment, all choreographed to holiday music! Firework shows follow the halftime dances, with even more epic fireworks in a mix of team and holiday colors comes during the postgame. All players in post-game interviews exchange their helmets for Santa hats with the team’s logo barely visible on the front. (214 words)



3) Revenge. Write 200 words about a team you’d like to get revenge on next season and why.
I’d love to see Myrtle Beach get revenge on Tijuana. They’ve sat atop the South since S14 and I think it’s about time that a new king arises in the South. Myrtle Beach seems as good a challenger as any. The turnaround has been epic and rapid and is hopefully going to continue into next season. Myrtle Beach and Tijuana split their regular season series 2-2 and were the top two teams in the DSFL power rankings going into the playoffs. Were they not in the conference, it could have ended in an epic clash in the championship round. Regretfully, they are in the same conference and Myrtle Beach was knocked out in round one, thanks mostly to Tijuana’s impressive defense. With some drafting and more of those impressive waiver claims that the Myrtle Beach GM staff seems to be so good at finding, I’d love to see us get some revenge next season. Maybe we don’t win the division, but a nice underdog style knockout in round one of the playoffs would certainly go a long way, in my humble opinion, to establishing the start of an incredible dynasty in Myrtle Beach, which would make the perfect setting for the grand opening of the Myrtle Beach Rum Co., the (soon to be) best selling rum around. (217 words)




9) Brotherly Love. We always talk about what teams and players are our rivals. This seasn, give me what team or player you have a soft spot for.

My soft spot is for Mr. LaVert. He was another one of those after-draft waiver pickups the Myrtle Beach gang have been so good at. Perhaps some of my soft spot for him comes from the fact that I also was not a draftee, though I did get picked up before the season started and got to play all year. But Vert was a great addition to the locker room and almost immediately became one of my favorite guys to have around, even though we only got him for about half the season. Upon joining, he was immediately a favorite and rivals me for the locker room chatterbox. In fact, I think he’s surpassed me and may even be the most talkative rookie. How dare he…just kidding, we’re talking about how much we like him. He also made an impact on the field on a big stage. Despite being a new create and a midseason pickup, he was one of the more impactful players in the secondary in our playoff matchup against those evil Tijuana folks. He had a huge pick six in the second quarter that kept the game interesting for a while. Almost as impressive as my back to back drive kills with my own interception and then a sack on the next drive! LaVert has been a great guy to have around and we love him. I hope he sticks around in Myrtle Beach so I don’t have to hate him next season… (246 words)



10) Commissioner. ADwyer, long time commissioner, is stepping down in the new year. If you were to replace him, what changes would you make to the league?

I would like to see some changes implemented that would make the forum easier to navigate and the process easier for rookies. I think most people know that sim leagues are tough for first-timers to get into. That’s just an unfortunate fact of sim leagues and this one is no different. As a first time sim-leaguer myself, I would have gone inactive had some folks in the Myrtle Beach locker room not basically held my hand and walked me through every step of the process. Even though I’ve completed a season, I still struggle on occasion to navigate the forums. I think it would be quite nice if there was a sidebar with some direct links to some of the most used areas of the forum, including activity checks, the team transaction pages, and a couple other places that are used at least once a week or more frequently for all players. Adding this would make navigation a little bit easier and would help rookies explore and become familiar with the forums in a less confusing and more direct way. Additionally, I’d like to see creating a twitter and making a tweet become part of the rookie task list. This is honestly the easiest way to make money and I think it deserves to be something rookies get extra benefit from because of this. It is a great way for them to connect with some other members of the league, create additional engagement, and get them a little bit of cash to start off. Finally, it would be nice to reduce some of the redundancy of completing certain tasks. Players should not have to complete a task in one area of the forums then go to a totally separate page to say they’ve done it, then link the page saying they did it to the update page. This is another confusing situation for rookies and one that isn’t, in my mind, totally necessary. Thanks for coming to my TED Talk. (330 words)

[evryday]

3) Revenge
Written: Write 200 words about a team you’d like to get revenge on next season and why. Did they knock you out of the playoffs? Blow you out?
Graphic: Create a graphic on why the stats back up that you’ll beat them next time.

Next season the Portland Pythons will be looking for revenge when they square off against the Minnesota Grey Ducks. They started our three game losing streak to close out the year and then eliminated us from the playoffs just a few weeks later. If that doesn’t make you want to seek revenge I am not sure anything will. In fact, the Pythons played the Grey Ducks four times this season and lost three out of the four. That won’t cut it when you’re fighting for the top spot in the conference. The Grey Ducks ended up with one of the best defenses in the entire SBDL and on more than one occasion they put the clamps on the Python’s offense, that’s the number one scoring offense in the conference, second in the SBDL mind you. Their conference was a dog fight all season long. The Grey Ducks ended the season with a slightly better record than the Pythons, 9-5 vs 8-6 so taking a couple more games against them could have drastically improved their standings in the conference. So if I had to venture a guess, I would say that Minnesota would, or should, be the target of all the Pythons’ revenge in the upcoming season, despite how much the roster may change, management won’t forget what happened last season.


4) Resim!
Written: You get to resim one game from this season. Write about why you chose that game and what the results would be.
Graphic: Show the stats from that re-simmed game.

If I could re-sim any one game it would have to be one of our three losses to the Minnesota Grey Ducks. We ended the year 8-6, them 9-5. If we could re-sim, and win, one of those losses we would have finished first in the NFC North. As it is, we scored over 100 more points than the Grey Ducks so I think if we re-simmed our most recent loss to them back on Week 12, we would have a good shot of winning that one. Also, if we won that one who knows, we might not have started a three game losing streak and we wouldn’t be limping into the post-season like we are now.

I would like to think that if we re-simmed that game it would be close but we would come out on top. Maybe 17-7 in our favor this time. If that first punt return touchdown didn’t happen then who knows what the rest of the game would have looked like. We wouldn’t have been behind the eight ball pretty much right out of the gate, we would have been able to play our game and things probably would have been very different. Could have changed the trajectory of the last three games of the year.

13) Get interviewed by a Vet
Written: Answer questions for an interview from a player not in either of this years draft. You must answer at least four questions and at least three must relate to the league in some way. Link to the interviewers PT to receive credit. NOTE: THEY MUST POST THE QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS FOR YOU TO GET CREDIT.

Link

20) Ultimus Ad
Written: You and your teammates are to appear in a famous ad to be aired during the Ultimus. What is it about?
Graphic: Create a graphic depicting this ad.

[BigUnitBabs]

PBE PT

[shipwreckrising]

2) Holiday Bowl

If the big salami had his way, every day would be a holiday. Of course for the holiday ultimus you gotta deck the f**** halls. What does that mean? Well bells and holly everwhere of course. Bushes of holly on the field everywhere. Yeah their spikey, but we are grown ass humans playing a tough sport. If you can't take some spikes then you don't deserve to play. And bells? Well obviously Tony likes to ring other players bells on every play but for this one we are literally talking bells attached to the ball. This way everyone knows where the ball is at any given time. You might be saying, its hard to through the ball with bells hanging off of it. Well how about putting the bells inside you nincampoop. You might as well make the qb dress like Santa too. Nothing like putting a big red target in the middle of the field, might make it hard for us yeti but we don't care. Winner gets a big bowl of the Gabagool family traditional Christmas Spaghett and meatballs. You don't like it, get outta here. And a big american apple pie with a slice of cheddah cheese for dessert. Maybe a cannoli if you shut out the opponent. Sounds like a holiday to me.



5) Offseason Needs
What do the Yeti need this offseason? Good question. Probably more TPE. That would be my guess. I think that besides the normal stuff we need a few things that are outside the box if we are going to finally get that ultimus that has evaded us for so long. Number 1, a team train. Yeah I know, other teams have planes and busses and shit, but listen, a train is cooler. It has a meal cart, and a bar cart. So we can fill up on the way to the game, and get sloshed after we win. And bonding on a train is so much better than on a plane or bus. We can also run up and down the cars to stretch our legs. No other team will have that. Number 2, we NEED to get unlimited pasta passes from Olive Garden. Now gabagool knows his italian food and OG is pretty mediocre but unlimited pasta means unlimeted carbs and unlimted bulking up. A bulky team wins championships. Don't tell me otherwise. And we can take those breadsticks to go. Oh even better, just throw an OG on a train and we will be set. Last but not least, number 3. Strippers.




10) Commissioner
Alright guys, this is where Gabagool will shine as commish. There are so many changes that this league needs. #1 A lottery for no regression. Every year there is a lottery for one player to get no regression. This league needs superstars, and while leveling the playing field makes it fair in general, a lottery for superstardom is also fair. The lottery would last for 10 years, with no team being allowed more than one superstar at any given time. This would level the playing field to a certain extent. If the superstar goes IA, that team will be re entered into the lottery. We need a Tom Brady or Joe Montana or Tim Tebow, and right now we ain't got it. #2 More women. We got a few here, but the gender imbalance is just out of whack. So if Tony became commish he would change recruiting strategies to target places on reddit that women frequent, such as r/goomah, r/jerseyshore, r/snookie, and r/cosmo. That way we get the gender imbalance fixed up right away. Those are just a couple ways Tony would chage the way things are done around here, if you want more, vote Gabagool for commish 2020.



20) Ultimus Ad

Colorado Yeti: Dissapointing their fans since the start

The only non expansion team to not win an ultimus. Their fans are more devoted than Browns or Lions fans, and at least the Browns have a rich history pre-superbowl era. The ad focuses on the Yeti Superfan Colorado Pete.P ete is a stoner snowboarder that loves watching his Yeti get massaced every Sunday during Apres bevvies after a long day on the slope. "Ya know bro after shredding the pow out there its nice to be with some babes and watch the yeti get shitcanned" Pete says rocking his brand new Mo Berry jersey. "I don't understand the rules really and it would be nice for them to win but as long as this bodacious blonde gives me a blowie behind the bar tonight that's all I really care about." Pete loves football, pow, weed, sex, and blow and he is really the spitting picture of the average Yeti fan. "I got this Berry jeresy from a thrift shop for five bucks and just thought it goes with my gear" says Pete, " I don't really understand or like football to be honest."

It is certainly a sad state of affairs for Yeti fandom in the state of Colorado. But these fans are as commited and dedicated as they were on day 1.