The events of this show are loosely based on real-life NSFL events. They have all been dramatized and do not entirely reflect the actual events. So don’t get angry at me.
1:32am: Minneapolis, Minnesota
DEX KENNEDY is asleep in bed. His pager (yes, he has one) starts going off. It takes him a few minutes to come to. He groggily reaches out his arm to pick it up.
DEX: Oh...god…
Dex shoots out of bed and gets dressed.
Cut to DAYMOND BROOKS, still awake and mulling over curl route plays, whose phone starts ringing. He answers it.
DB: Look, if this is about the kissing, I can explain…a faint response is heard...really? Ok, I’m heading over now.
Daymond gets up and heads out the door.
Hard-cut to a busy hallway where people are scrambling around. Phones are ringing all over the place. Everyone is buzzing. From around the corner, SIM SNOWBOW and MARIO VONPEBBLES are moving through and talking.
SIM: I mean, I knew I wasn’t being crazy. That was not right. Getting blown out two games in a row? How does that happen?
MVP: Well, you saw it as well as I did. Lackson just lost it, or something. This better not be what I think it is.
The two walk into another hallway where Dex and Daymond are standing.
MVP: Alright...wish me luck.
Mario opens a door at the end of the hallway and walks into a room full of media members. They all spring to their feet and begin shouting questions at Mario as he walks to the podium.
MVP: Everyone, please calm down! The GM will be here shortly.
Members of the media start yelling out questions: Mario! Was the GM aware of this? Did Jamar Lackson fail a physical? Do you believe this was some sort of retribution?
An Aid walks up to Mario and whispers into his ear
MVP: Ladies and gentlemen: the GM of the Minnesota Grey Ducks.
Everyone rises to their feet. BARNEY STINSON walks in flanked by security and steps in front of the podium.
BS: Please be seated, everyone...the media sits...I would like to announce that I was informed that there was, indeed, foul play in our last two games. Particularly with our starting running back, Jamar Lackson...who was compromised.
The media begin buzzing
BS: Now, I’ll take a few questions-all of the media members rise to their feet and begin barking questions at the GM
Music swells...THE DEX WING intro...cuts to shot of the Grey Ducks training facility
7:32am: Minnesota Grey Ducks training facility
Cuts to Barney Stinson’s office (that looks a lot like the Oval Office) with Dex Kennedy, Daymond Brooks, Sim StrongBow, and Mario VonPebbles standing around his desk
BS: Thank you, Ms. Commissioner hangs up the phone. Look, everyone, I’ve been in contact with as many HO members as I can. The Commissioner says that she plans on arranging a meeting with all of the DSFL GMs to discuss a course of action. The only problem is some GMs are holding out and do not wish to discuss the matter.
DB: What exactly would this “course of action” be?
BS: I’m not sure. There’s been a lot of ideas thrown around.
SIM: Well, we’re not negotiating for a comp pick, are we? I say we negotiate for a bye week, or a playoff berth, or we all get to uncap without getting called up.
BS: We’re NOT flipping this into our own personal gain. We’re a Minnesota team, we’re not like that. I should be out there apologizing for letting Lackson play even though it was none of our faults.
DEX: What do you want, exactly?
BS: I don’t know. I just don’t want this air of unreliability to hover over the DSFL like this. I know we’re not the big leagues but we deserve some bones from time-to-time. To be honest...I want a resim.
The room goes silent for a second
SIM: Mr. GM, you understand the league’s policy on resims, right? They don’t happen. Once it’s simmed, it’s done.
BS: I know, it’s out there. But I’m not walking away from this with my tail tucked between my legs. We’re ducks. And we’re walking away with our bills held high.
MVP: Mr. GM, should I let the media know?
BS: Leak it, maybe. But don’t let the press know a thing about this. Tell them we’re still just confused as they are.
MVP: I’m on it. leaves
BS: Daymond, I want a statement on this issue by the next hour. Start drafting something up.
DB: Yes, Mr. GM. leaves
BS: Sim, Dex, go see if you can talk to someone from Kansas City or Tijuana. We have to get this meeting to happen.
SIM: I’ll get right to it, sir. leaves sexily
DEX: Mr. GM...I don’t-the GMs secretary enters the room
SECRETARY: Mr. GM, he’s here.
BS: Send him in. Thank you, Dex, you can leave.
Dex stares at Stinson for a second before leaving. JAMAR LACKSON enters.
BS: Jamar...how are you feeling?
JL: Fine, I guess. I’m happy that it wasn’t my fault.
BS: Oh, Jamar, you’ve been here long enough to know that whenever anything happens to us it’s always someone else’s fault. That’s just how the NSFL works.
JL: Well, I guess that’s a relief.
BS: I want you to know that there should be no love-lost between the two of us. I knew that wasn’t you out there. I’m just happy my trepidation has been confirmed.
JL: Mr. GM...can I ask you something?
BS: Sure, fire away.
JL: Are you...looking to trade for another running back?
BS: looks up slowly from his desk What makes you think that?
JL: I mean, I’ve only heard some rumors but-
BS: Rumors are not our issue, Mr. Lackson. They only exist to get people more Twitter followers.
JL: But...is it true?
long pause
BS: What happens in this office is strictly business. You’re a fantastic running back, Jamar. Keep on doing what you’re doing. Thank you, you can go.
JL: stares at Stinson for a few seconds, shrugs, and leaves
Cuts to Dex Kennedy in his office on the phone
DEX: Yes, Mr. GM, and thank you once again for your cooperation...and I hope you have a great day as well...oh, the kissing? Yeah, that’s just a way we...ok...I understand...thank you, Mr. GM. hangs up phone
Sim SnowBow enters Dex’s office
SIM: Was that the Coyotes?
DEX: Yes, and they’ve agreed to do the meeting. They said they’re “interested in kicking our asses twice” but that doesn’t really matter. The meeting is happening.
SIM: Well...I’ve actually reached a bit of an impasse with Tijuana. They’re still holding out.
DEX: Hmm...I got it! You tell them that Sim SnowBow is going to underperform in the rematch.
SIM: What do you mean?
DEX: Well, you know how you never have bad games, right?
SIM: Obviously.
DEX: So tell them that this is going to be the one game where Sim SnowBow slips up.
SIM: So we’re sacrificing a win in order to get a rematch?
DEX: You know better than I do that QBs have little-to-no impact in a DSFL game.
SIM: Rude, but fair. Alright, I’ll let them know.
Cut to Mario VonPebbles and Daymond Brooks walking through the hallways
MVP: Did you get our statement finished?
DB: I did, here ya go. gives Mario a paper
Mario and Daymond enter the briefing room that is still full of media members. Mario steps up to the podium as Daymond stands to the side
MVP: I come with the official Grey Ducks statement on the current matter at hand. clears throat The Minnesota Grey Ducks do condemn the event that took place during weeks 3 and 4 of Developmental Football Simulation League play. Our GM, Barney Stinson, is presently pushing for a resimulation of the games to take place. That being said...it has come to our attention that we still haven’t given out any game balls.
Daymond, to the side, begins to smirk a bit
MVP: For his courageous performance of 19 carries and…snickers a bit...negative 37 yards, the week 3 Minnesota Grey Ducks game ball goes to...Jamar Lackson!
Mario and Daymond begin laughing hysterically. The media watches on confusedly
MVP: still laughing I’m sorry...I’m sorry...uh, we do have an actual statement.
Cuts back to Barney Stinson in his office. Dex Kennedy enters the door to the side
DEX: Sir...can we talk now?
BS: Yeah, what’s up?
DEX: I don’t think you should argue for a resim.
BS: slowly looks up from his desk What do you mean?
DEX: Well, the rule is clear, sir. “No resims.” Also, why are we just going to take the cowards way out? Let’s let this thing live. Let it be a testament to future sims so this doesn’t happen again. Look, the commissioner and head office and reprimand as many people as they want but what will that change?
BS: gets up from his desk Dex, you went to college, right?
DEX: Yeah, UCLA...although my parents really wanted me to go to Stanford and now they don’t talk to me but-
BS: You’re a smart person. And you know the worst way to prevent history from repeating itself is by expunging it from the books entirely.
DEX: Yes, sir.
BS: You’re right, you know...but that’s just not how these things work. In a few hours, I have to head into a room with every DSFL GM to talk about a decision that would change the course of, not one, but two weeks of DSFL play. To some of these people, there is no reason to resim as they benefited from the initial sim. They won their games fair and square and don’t see any reason to look back. To others, there are plenty of reasons to resim since their teams probably got demolished and they want a second chance. Everyone’s a coward in this situation, Dex. I’m not asking for the cowards way out. I’m asking for what’s fair, not just for us, but for the future of the league. Do you understand?
DEX: takes a few moments to answer Yes, sir.
BS: Thank you, Mr. Kennedy.
DEX: Thank you...Mr. GM
Dex slowly leaves as Stinson gets back to work at his desk without looking up
Cut to Daymond Brooks in his office. Jamar Lackson enters
JL: Daymond, can we talk?
DB: Jamar...you understand that the game ball was a joke, right?
JL: No, you’re right...it was hilarious. I just wanted to ask something.
DB: What is it?
JL: pauses briefly Is the GM looking to trade for another running back?
DB: Where did you hear that?
JL: So it’s true?
DB: I never said that it’s true.
JL: Look, I don’t know how you just so happen to know everything about anything but you are going to tell me. I’m a Big Duck, too, dammit! Where’s my office? Where’s my senior staff position?
DB: Well first off you and I both know that Dagumpa needed to include a non-senior staff member in order to make this episode interesting. Secondly, there have been trade talks and a few running backs have popped up. Nothing is set in stone yet, though.
JL: I’ve heard enough. storms out
DB: Jamar, do you seriously believe the GM is looking to replace you?
Jamar ignores Daymond and continues walking
5:32pm: Barney Stinson’s office
Dex Kennedy, Sim SnowBow, Mario VonPebbles, and Daymond Brooks are all waiting in Barney Stinson’s office for the GM to return
Stinson walks in
BS: Oh, I didn’t expect everyone to be here all at once. Is this about the kissing? I’ve already said-
SIM: Mr. GM...how did it go?
BS: About as well as one could hope. The commissioner and head office have decided that Weeks 3 and 4 will be re-simulated.
Everyone starts celebrating, except Dex
DEX: Mr. GM-
BS: Dex, I want you to know you were right. And I took your words to heart.
DEX: You did?
BS: Yes. The vote still passed but not before I raised all of your points. You are right, you know. History will, probably, repeat itself. But at least, for the time being, we get what we want. Also, apparently, there were other teams that had attribute problems but who cares about them?
DEX: smiles Thank you, Mr. GM.
BS: Alright, let’s party!
Before Stinson can begin busting a move, Jamar Lackson storms in
JL: Mr. GM, I do not understand why you can’t accept the fact that I was screwed out there! And now you’re trying to trade for my replacement? Well if you’re making trades then why don’t you-
BS: JAMAR, please, calm down. You’re right, I am looking to trade for another running back. But that’s not because of Jamar Lackson. I’m going to ask you one more time: was it your fault and your fault only that we lost those two games?
JL: No.
Mario whispers “yes” to Daymond
BS: You’re right...we were screwed. So how do you prepare for being screwed like that? You really can’t. You can only hope that everything else goes extremely well. I’m only looking to get another running back in the event of this happening again. Why the hell would I replace you, Jamar? You’re putting up, like, MVP numbers, bro. If anyone I should trade Daymond for the whole kissing thing but...that doesn’t matter right now.
DB: Wait, wha-
BS: Jamar Lackson, you are the running back for the Minnesota Grey Ducks. The only thing that’s gonna bring you down is the hand of God...or another sim error. You’re a big duck for a reason, Jamar. Don’t forget it.
JL: smiles Thank you, Mr. GM. Oh, also, there’s one more thing I need to do. turns to Dex Dex, can you write me as a senior staff member from now on?
DEX: Uh, yeah...sure.
JL: Now we’re good.
BS: Great. What’s next?
Zooms out of the Grey Ducks training facility. Outro music plays
1:32am: Minneapolis, Minnesota
DEX KENNEDY is asleep in bed. His pager (yes, he has one) starts going off. It takes him a few minutes to come to. He groggily reaches out his arm to pick it up.
DEX: Oh...god…
Dex shoots out of bed and gets dressed.
Cut to DAYMOND BROOKS, still awake and mulling over curl route plays, whose phone starts ringing. He answers it.
DB: Look, if this is about the kissing, I can explain…a faint response is heard...really? Ok, I’m heading over now.
Daymond gets up and heads out the door.
Hard-cut to a busy hallway where people are scrambling around. Phones are ringing all over the place. Everyone is buzzing. From around the corner, SIM SNOWBOW and MARIO VONPEBBLES are moving through and talking.
SIM: I mean, I knew I wasn’t being crazy. That was not right. Getting blown out two games in a row? How does that happen?
MVP: Well, you saw it as well as I did. Lackson just lost it, or something. This better not be what I think it is.
The two walk into another hallway where Dex and Daymond are standing.
MVP: Alright...wish me luck.
Mario opens a door at the end of the hallway and walks into a room full of media members. They all spring to their feet and begin shouting questions at Mario as he walks to the podium.
MVP: Everyone, please calm down! The GM will be here shortly.
Members of the media start yelling out questions: Mario! Was the GM aware of this? Did Jamar Lackson fail a physical? Do you believe this was some sort of retribution?
An Aid walks up to Mario and whispers into his ear
MVP: Ladies and gentlemen: the GM of the Minnesota Grey Ducks.
Everyone rises to their feet. BARNEY STINSON walks in flanked by security and steps in front of the podium.
BS: Please be seated, everyone...the media sits...I would like to announce that I was informed that there was, indeed, foul play in our last two games. Particularly with our starting running back, Jamar Lackson...who was compromised.
The media begin buzzing
BS: Now, I’ll take a few questions-all of the media members rise to their feet and begin barking questions at the GM
Music swells...THE DEX WING intro...cuts to shot of the Grey Ducks training facility
7:32am: Minnesota Grey Ducks training facility
Cuts to Barney Stinson’s office (that looks a lot like the Oval Office) with Dex Kennedy, Daymond Brooks, Sim StrongBow, and Mario VonPebbles standing around his desk
BS: Thank you, Ms. Commissioner hangs up the phone. Look, everyone, I’ve been in contact with as many HO members as I can. The Commissioner says that she plans on arranging a meeting with all of the DSFL GMs to discuss a course of action. The only problem is some GMs are holding out and do not wish to discuss the matter.
DB: What exactly would this “course of action” be?
BS: I’m not sure. There’s been a lot of ideas thrown around.
SIM: Well, we’re not negotiating for a comp pick, are we? I say we negotiate for a bye week, or a playoff berth, or we all get to uncap without getting called up.
BS: We’re NOT flipping this into our own personal gain. We’re a Minnesota team, we’re not like that. I should be out there apologizing for letting Lackson play even though it was none of our faults.
DEX: What do you want, exactly?
BS: I don’t know. I just don’t want this air of unreliability to hover over the DSFL like this. I know we’re not the big leagues but we deserve some bones from time-to-time. To be honest...I want a resim.
The room goes silent for a second
SIM: Mr. GM, you understand the league’s policy on resims, right? They don’t happen. Once it’s simmed, it’s done.
BS: I know, it’s out there. But I’m not walking away from this with my tail tucked between my legs. We’re ducks. And we’re walking away with our bills held high.
MVP: Mr. GM, should I let the media know?
BS: Leak it, maybe. But don’t let the press know a thing about this. Tell them we’re still just confused as they are.
MVP: I’m on it. leaves
BS: Daymond, I want a statement on this issue by the next hour. Start drafting something up.
DB: Yes, Mr. GM. leaves
BS: Sim, Dex, go see if you can talk to someone from Kansas City or Tijuana. We have to get this meeting to happen.
SIM: I’ll get right to it, sir. leaves sexily
DEX: Mr. GM...I don’t-the GMs secretary enters the room
SECRETARY: Mr. GM, he’s here.
BS: Send him in. Thank you, Dex, you can leave.
Dex stares at Stinson for a second before leaving. JAMAR LACKSON enters.
BS: Jamar...how are you feeling?
JL: Fine, I guess. I’m happy that it wasn’t my fault.
BS: Oh, Jamar, you’ve been here long enough to know that whenever anything happens to us it’s always someone else’s fault. That’s just how the NSFL works.
JL: Well, I guess that’s a relief.
BS: I want you to know that there should be no love-lost between the two of us. I knew that wasn’t you out there. I’m just happy my trepidation has been confirmed.
JL: Mr. GM...can I ask you something?
BS: Sure, fire away.
JL: Are you...looking to trade for another running back?
BS: looks up slowly from his desk What makes you think that?
JL: I mean, I’ve only heard some rumors but-
BS: Rumors are not our issue, Mr. Lackson. They only exist to get people more Twitter followers.
JL: But...is it true?
long pause
BS: What happens in this office is strictly business. You’re a fantastic running back, Jamar. Keep on doing what you’re doing. Thank you, you can go.
JL: stares at Stinson for a few seconds, shrugs, and leaves
Cuts to Dex Kennedy in his office on the phone
DEX: Yes, Mr. GM, and thank you once again for your cooperation...and I hope you have a great day as well...oh, the kissing? Yeah, that’s just a way we...ok...I understand...thank you, Mr. GM. hangs up phone
Sim SnowBow enters Dex’s office
SIM: Was that the Coyotes?
DEX: Yes, and they’ve agreed to do the meeting. They said they’re “interested in kicking our asses twice” but that doesn’t really matter. The meeting is happening.
SIM: Well...I’ve actually reached a bit of an impasse with Tijuana. They’re still holding out.
DEX: Hmm...I got it! You tell them that Sim SnowBow is going to underperform in the rematch.
SIM: What do you mean?
DEX: Well, you know how you never have bad games, right?
SIM: Obviously.
DEX: So tell them that this is going to be the one game where Sim SnowBow slips up.
SIM: So we’re sacrificing a win in order to get a rematch?
DEX: You know better than I do that QBs have little-to-no impact in a DSFL game.
SIM: Rude, but fair. Alright, I’ll let them know.
Cut to Mario VonPebbles and Daymond Brooks walking through the hallways
MVP: Did you get our statement finished?
DB: I did, here ya go. gives Mario a paper
Mario and Daymond enter the briefing room that is still full of media members. Mario steps up to the podium as Daymond stands to the side
MVP: I come with the official Grey Ducks statement on the current matter at hand. clears throat The Minnesota Grey Ducks do condemn the event that took place during weeks 3 and 4 of Developmental Football Simulation League play. Our GM, Barney Stinson, is presently pushing for a resimulation of the games to take place. That being said...it has come to our attention that we still haven’t given out any game balls.
Daymond, to the side, begins to smirk a bit
MVP: For his courageous performance of 19 carries and…snickers a bit...negative 37 yards, the week 3 Minnesota Grey Ducks game ball goes to...Jamar Lackson!
Mario and Daymond begin laughing hysterically. The media watches on confusedly
MVP: still laughing I’m sorry...I’m sorry...uh, we do have an actual statement.
Cuts back to Barney Stinson in his office. Dex Kennedy enters the door to the side
DEX: Sir...can we talk now?
BS: Yeah, what’s up?
DEX: I don’t think you should argue for a resim.
BS: slowly looks up from his desk What do you mean?
DEX: Well, the rule is clear, sir. “No resims.” Also, why are we just going to take the cowards way out? Let’s let this thing live. Let it be a testament to future sims so this doesn’t happen again. Look, the commissioner and head office and reprimand as many people as they want but what will that change?
BS: gets up from his desk Dex, you went to college, right?
DEX: Yeah, UCLA...although my parents really wanted me to go to Stanford and now they don’t talk to me but-
BS: You’re a smart person. And you know the worst way to prevent history from repeating itself is by expunging it from the books entirely.
DEX: Yes, sir.
BS: You’re right, you know...but that’s just not how these things work. In a few hours, I have to head into a room with every DSFL GM to talk about a decision that would change the course of, not one, but two weeks of DSFL play. To some of these people, there is no reason to resim as they benefited from the initial sim. They won their games fair and square and don’t see any reason to look back. To others, there are plenty of reasons to resim since their teams probably got demolished and they want a second chance. Everyone’s a coward in this situation, Dex. I’m not asking for the cowards way out. I’m asking for what’s fair, not just for us, but for the future of the league. Do you understand?
DEX: takes a few moments to answer Yes, sir.
BS: Thank you, Mr. Kennedy.
DEX: Thank you...Mr. GM
Dex slowly leaves as Stinson gets back to work at his desk without looking up
Cut to Daymond Brooks in his office. Jamar Lackson enters
JL: Daymond, can we talk?
DB: Jamar...you understand that the game ball was a joke, right?
JL: No, you’re right...it was hilarious. I just wanted to ask something.
DB: What is it?
JL: pauses briefly Is the GM looking to trade for another running back?
DB: Where did you hear that?
JL: So it’s true?
DB: I never said that it’s true.
JL: Look, I don’t know how you just so happen to know everything about anything but you are going to tell me. I’m a Big Duck, too, dammit! Where’s my office? Where’s my senior staff position?
DB: Well first off you and I both know that Dagumpa needed to include a non-senior staff member in order to make this episode interesting. Secondly, there have been trade talks and a few running backs have popped up. Nothing is set in stone yet, though.
JL: I’ve heard enough. storms out
DB: Jamar, do you seriously believe the GM is looking to replace you?
Jamar ignores Daymond and continues walking
5:32pm: Barney Stinson’s office
Dex Kennedy, Sim SnowBow, Mario VonPebbles, and Daymond Brooks are all waiting in Barney Stinson’s office for the GM to return
Stinson walks in
BS: Oh, I didn’t expect everyone to be here all at once. Is this about the kissing? I’ve already said-
SIM: Mr. GM...how did it go?
BS: About as well as one could hope. The commissioner and head office have decided that Weeks 3 and 4 will be re-simulated.
Everyone starts celebrating, except Dex
DEX: Mr. GM-
BS: Dex, I want you to know you were right. And I took your words to heart.
DEX: You did?
BS: Yes. The vote still passed but not before I raised all of your points. You are right, you know. History will, probably, repeat itself. But at least, for the time being, we get what we want. Also, apparently, there were other teams that had attribute problems but who cares about them?
DEX: smiles Thank you, Mr. GM.
BS: Alright, let’s party!
Before Stinson can begin busting a move, Jamar Lackson storms in
JL: Mr. GM, I do not understand why you can’t accept the fact that I was screwed out there! And now you’re trying to trade for my replacement? Well if you’re making trades then why don’t you-
BS: JAMAR, please, calm down. You’re right, I am looking to trade for another running back. But that’s not because of Jamar Lackson. I’m going to ask you one more time: was it your fault and your fault only that we lost those two games?
JL: No.
Mario whispers “yes” to Daymond
BS: You’re right...we were screwed. So how do you prepare for being screwed like that? You really can’t. You can only hope that everything else goes extremely well. I’m only looking to get another running back in the event of this happening again. Why the hell would I replace you, Jamar? You’re putting up, like, MVP numbers, bro. If anyone I should trade Daymond for the whole kissing thing but...that doesn’t matter right now.
DB: Wait, wha-
BS: Jamar Lackson, you are the running back for the Minnesota Grey Ducks. The only thing that’s gonna bring you down is the hand of God...or another sim error. You’re a big duck for a reason, Jamar. Don’t forget it.
JL: smiles Thank you, Mr. GM. Oh, also, there’s one more thing I need to do. turns to Dex Dex, can you write me as a senior staff member from now on?
DEX: Uh, yeah...sure.
JL: Now we’re good.
BS: Great. What’s next?
Zooms out of the Grey Ducks training facility. Outro music plays
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