*stinkiest player hits FA

Wombat · 07-25-2020, 12:02 PM

Ed Barker is a free agent. Yes, you probably got that from the title. He has exited the comfortable life as a wide receiver for the New Orleans Second Line and entered the tumultuous world that is free agency. You may be wondering, who is this weird fellow asking your team for money? This, my friend, is the worst player to ever grace the ISFL. Yes, he has the audacity not only to play in the ISFL but to make outrageous monetary demands as well. So yes,
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Please give the worst player in the league a home. You will most definitely live to regret it.

Why should you pay Ed Barker? That is a good question. The answer is, you shouldn’t. But here I will attempt to convince you otherwise.

What does Ed Barker bring to your team?

On the field, not a whole lot. He ranked 9th in WR in yards, which is nothing special. He did end up 3rd in AVG yards per reception, but only caught 6 touchdowns, which was very little compared to the majority of his peers. He will likely be a very solid WR who will catch some balls but drop more than he catches. No highlight-reel throws for whichever QB ends up throwing to him.

In the locker room, it’s a nightmare. Described as a locker room cancer and labelled as a “poopyhead”, Barker was a plague in the NOLA LR. “He spends most of his time begging for money”, an anonymous source revealed, “And when that doesn’t work, he threatens them. And after that, well, we’ve had players mysteriously gotten injured and robbed when leaving the stadium.” The player in question requested to remain anonymous for their own personal safety. He does have his bright moments, though. Another player was quoted saying, “Ed Barker sucks and all, but his wombat gifs are ok”. All in all, he will be a big fat negative in the LR but does bring wombat gifs, so that basically evens out?

How active is he?

In the LR, fairly active, I’d say. Definitely not the most active LR-mate in the server but he’s around, ready to make comments or laugh at memes. There will obviously be stretches when he’s busy or out and about but he’s fairly available usually and will respond to mentions or DMs pretty quickly, albeit rudely.

Earning-wise, he’s kinda poop honestly. I believe he ranks #17 in the S21 draft class, which believe it or not was an improvement over his #21 rank a while ago. RIP being #21 in S21. He was dirt-poor in his first few seasons which meant he couldn’t afford equipment. Still, he’s like almost 200 TPE below his other draft-mates? He’s pretty bad. However, there is a smol bright spot. He doesn’t update. This may seem like a negative. However, it means he has a fair amount of TPE lying around if you bug him enough. Also, I think he has been earning fairly well as of late, since he has gotten a job to pay the bills and the job also covers his PTs.

Will he stay? How consistent is he?

He is incredibly consistent. Consistently bad. Honestly, I have no plans of quitting this league anytime soon. I think I’m in a solid spot, where I can do a solid amount of work and be a bad player, while getting to have a blast with my teammates.

What is he looking for in a team?

It has been said that Ed Barker values a winning team very highly. This is true. He once said that it was his career wish to be the worst player on the best team. This still applies today. However, he also values a very good locker room environment, which should have plenty of memes and discussion. He also wishes to have a positive counting environment where he has many skilled counters to work with who have lots of stamina and can type effectively. It has been said that a cancerous counting channel where users would continuously mess up, typing “6”, drove a wedge between Barker and NOLA management.

Is it true that Ed Barker had no idea he was a FA until yesterday?

Player could not be reached for comment

What kind of money is he looking for?

He will take a minimum deal, as deserved for which ever team he chooses. He is in a solid financial state and should not need a ton of money. Exceptions would include if it is a meme contract, in which stipulations such as 4.20M or 6.9M would be expected. Creativity will be appreciated when putting forward a contract, such as

Code:
Clause 1: Barker’s mutual option will revert to a team option if he does not post a minimum of one wombat-related gif, meme, or video daily (PST)

The completely honest part: I very much love NOLA and could very much resign with them. I also wanted to test FA and see the meme offers. Maybe someone ends up signing me, we’ll see. I bear no ill will towards anyone except jpach and ben for messing up counting.