*The Case for Monkeys in the ISFL

Augustus von Heimlich · (This post was last modified: 03-20-2021, 06:49 AM by Asked Madden.)

Monkeys. One can argue they are the true apex predators. Have you ever seen a human leap to the top of a tree in under 8 seconds? I think not. But alas, this discussion is not about the inadequacies of man, but why I believe monkeys are the future of ISFL and football as a whole.

Year by year, the strength and athleticism of players continues to soar to new heights. Compare the football player of the year 1430 to the football player of today. Notice anything? Back then they were small, weak man-children who didn't need to wear protective gear because they were mostly fat, not muscle. Now days, getting hit by a standard player may very likely send you to the E.R. While some people may enjoy the brutality of that, I, Augustus von Heimlich, Lawyer at Law, do not! You see, I care for the players, I stand up for them in their fight for justice. And if there are ways to mitigate injuries, then I say let's give it a shot.

What's one way of keeping the safety of our players? Once every season, replace the players with monkeys in a game.

But why, my dearest and large handed-Augustus, should we do such a thing, you ask? Well, I have seen first hand the strength and power of ISFL players. Now imagine transfering that raw power into the form of a monkey.

How? By pairing up each player with a monkey, and allowing the players to train alongside them. Having monkeys shadow players would give them the opportunity to condition their strength, to learn the in-and-outs of football, and to become pro ISFL athletes. Eventually, the players would send their monkeys out on the field for one game, and enable them to play for the players. Each team would unleash the raw strength and agility of apes. This does three major things:

Gives players the opportunities to gain leadership skills. By training their monkey, players will undoubtedly gain experience in leading a player to become the best person (or in this case, monkey) that they can be. They will in turn use those same leadership skills in their respective teams.
Players will have the unique opportunity to watch the monkey train using their own training regiments. Players can then see possible opportunities to improve their training schemes and come up with new and unique ways that they, themselves, can become stronger players.
Gives the players a break, and allows them an opportunity to heal any prior wounds and ailments they may have received from past games. Then, the next human vs human game, they are at their best.

I know not everyone shares my fondness of monkeys. My ex wife, as a matter of fact, pretty much looks like one. I mean if you've seen her, you'll know what I'm talking about; but even then that does a disservice to monkeys everywhere. But I truly believe the ISFL should look into this.

Thank you.