08-14-2022, 01:31 AM
(This post was last modified: 08-15-2022, 12:54 AM by dude_man. Edited 1 time in total.)
*In Character, I mean no offense to any of you personally*
Hello, my name is Sledge Hammer and I am a defensive end out of the University of North Texas and I am a prospect in the upcoming season 37 DSFL Draft. You’re probably wondering why I am just randomly posting a video on Youtube less than a week before the draft, you’re probably wondering why I’m not working out getting ready for the draft and the upcoming season. Well I’m here to tell you why. About a decade ago there was a little known defensive tackle prospect coming out of a smaller school like I did named Fergus Callaghan Jr, a defensive tackle out of Montana State. He decided to do something similar to what I’m about to do because he knew that it would help get his name out there for the GM’s that weren’t familiar with him and his work in college. He went from being a fucking no body in the ISFL to a second round DSFL draft pick to the London Royals and it even lead to him being a first round pick in the Season 27 ISFL Draft to the Arizona Outlaws. Now his career ended up not panning out the way he had hoped it would and a history of head injuries would end up claiming his once promosing career but I’m hoping by following in his footsteps with one of these videos that I might do the same thing, make a fucking name for myself and help me get drafted higher so that I can at least say that I am without a doubt the better Hammer in the draft. Now with all this bullshit out of the way let’s get down to fucking business.
Now when I actually get down to it, I wasn’t really sure where to start with this thing, it would be easy and peaceful for me to just go down the list of teams, look at their strengths and weaknesses and then figure out how I might or might now fit into what that team is trying to do in the upcoming few seasons but then i thought to myself that would be fucking boring because I am an agent of chaos, I like to stur the pot a little bit. Maybe, just maybe take people out of their comfort zones and since I’m so confident in my abilities I’ll just go out and speak directly from the heart about what I think about each team that may or may not want to draft the greatest defensive line prospect ever. Then I thought to myself, what’s the point of even talking about the teams that have already reached out to me, teams like the Dallas Bird Dogs, I haven’t really reached out to them yet because I have been getting ready for the draft but I’m sure we will catch up in the coming days, I’ve talked to the Portland Pythons and the seem like they like what they are seeing from me already, I’ve talked to the Minnesota Grey Ducks, which is the team that housed my brother Jack after we entered the league and went to waivers so they have already had the worst version of me so maybe they will draft me so they can have the best Hammer in the draft. Now I can’t forget the London Royals, the team that took me on waivers during that period. They already know what they are getting in me, they know how hard I work in practice and that I give a thousand percent every down in games. Last but not least of the teams that have reached out to me are the Bondi Beach Buccaneers. They were a little less talkative in our conversation but maybe they were more interested in information they could find out about me than trying to tell me what they have planned because honestly, I don’t care what the plan is because all your team needs is me and I can make whatever plan look like a genius created it. Now what does this leave left, that’s three teams that haven’t bothered to look at me, those teams are the Kansas City Coyotes, the Tijuana Luchadores and Norfolk Sea Wolves. What’s taking so long to reach out to me or do you think that little ol Sledge Hammer out of some small time Conference USA team in northern Texas isn’t worth your fucking time? Well that’s where you are all fucking wrong. I can improve any team in this league, I don’t care if your team went out and set the single season sack record for sacks by a team in a season because I can still improve those numbers for you. I’m a one man wrecking crew on the defensive line and if you don’t draft me, then I’m going to make your quarterback wish not only that he didn’t strap up his helmet that day but that he was never fucking born. I’m going to make them hurt so damn bad that their grandkids are going to be born feeling the pain that was inflicted on their grandpas. These aren’t just some idle words or big talk coming from some overconfident toolbag. No these are bonafide facts that I am spitting to you Youtube and come sometime soon, you will all realize that I wasn’t talking out of my ass today, you will know that I was coming with premonitions, I was predicting the future for quarterbacks in this league, that I was going to come out and lay blue whale sized can of whoop as on every player that will unfortunately for themselves cross paths with me on my path to greatness. Now let’s actually get to the meat and potatoes of this little video, let’s get to the point that everyone has been waiting for and that’s for me to grind these three teams into the dirt.
Now the order of how I do this will be done based on how the team finished the season. Did I choose this so I could do Tijuana last? Maybe but it also might be the fact that the two other teams might just need to hear their names first so they can feel proud that someone is actually talking about them for a change. Now I will start with the Kansas City Coyotes. Yes I know that they in the overall standings weren’t any worse than Norfork was but I’m choosing them because based on points allowed they were far and away the worst team in the league and since I play defense I feel that I can probably help them out.
Now Kansas City, I'm trying to figure out which one of your defensive stats is the most appalling to me, is it the fact that you only had as a team, 23 sacks during the most recent season or was it the fact that you gave up 443 points against in 14 games. If you round up that means you guys were giving up almost 32 points a game, like how can your defensive players look themselves in the mirror and even have an ounce of respect for themselves. It feels like they were out there, putting on their eye black and little tiny sweat bands to make their muscles look bigger, playing patty cake with the offensive players across from them, getting their shit shoved in and then going home and cashing the game check. If I was your defensive unit, I would be fucking embarrased and to be honest, I would probably start looking for a new line of work because clearly football isn’t your calling. So look at me now Kansas City, I am a sack machine, I could probably go out there and get at least 7 or 8 sacks next season by myself without breaking a sweat, imagine what your other players could do if the other team has to worry about me coming off the edge every play looking to literally kill their quarterback, they will have to end up probably double teaming me with the guard and tackle on my side and if I’m still giving them problems, then they will have to chip me with a tight end or full back…if those even still exist in the league. I mean I’m looking at it, that would be three out of a eleven players just focused on me, that means there should be some room for some of the slap asses on the KC front line that should have a free and clear shot to maybe, make a fucking play for the first time in there sorry ass lives.
This is what I meant when I said that I could come in and fix whatever plan the GM has for the team. If the simple plan for the team is to improve the defense so they can let there big badass offense try and win some games than I’m the man for the fucking job. I can create so much havoc that your little sisters of the poor defensive players can probably at least luck themselves into making a few plays and maybe, just maybe they can win a few more games and make the playoffs, Hell if they make the playoffs they might even be able to win the ultimini because we all know that if you can get to the playoffs anything can happen in it and strange things have happened. So my guess since I know what I can do as a defensive end, I’m guessing with me on your line, your team could go from twenty three sacks in a season to thirty three or more sacks in a season and if you are getting at least ten more sacks in a season then that means that the other team is probably scoring less, i’m guessing with me on the team you could probably give up comfortably about a hundred less points next season and if you are giving up that many fewer points than I can almost guarantee…no I take that back, I guarantee that you will make the playoffs. So Kansas City if your GM’s and scouts are seeing this, go ahead and give me a call and we can talk more about how I can save your sorry ass franchise from the pit of misery.
Now next up on the hit list are the Norfork Sea Wolves. Now on the defensive side of the ball I feel this team is a little more ready to compete. Last season you guys gave up three hundred and forty one points on defense which is over a hundred points less than the Kansas City Coyotes, for that I applaud you. You were nowhere near the worst defensive team in the DSFL last season, what happened to you guys is your offense really let you down. Now I’m sure you and your fans are watching this now and wondering how a defensive player can help revive an offense that couldn’t beat a team of seventh graders. Well it’s really quite simple, the defense will have to carry the team even harder. You get me on this roster with the defensive talent that they already have and we can probably drop the points against by enough to make the offense look less inept than it really is. Plus if this defense can get more pressure on the quarterback than maybe we can cause a few more turnovers and with the right amount of luck your offense can turn them into some much needed points for. Now I look at your defensive stats and you caused a total of twenty nine turnovers last season which is decent, but what you guys might and it’s probably not even might, your defense is going to have to score a bunch on defense to make for that anemic offense that you guys are trotting out there game in and game out. With someone like me on the roster that is now problem. I’m always looking to cause a turnover and if I cause it, I'll turn into a Hoover vacuum and recover it as well. If I get my hands on it, I’m going to look to score it because I feel it’s my duty to do just about every damn thing on the defense. Now maybe I’m not lucky enough cause the turnover directly, that’s alright too because if I hit the quarterback enough times than he’s going to start having to worry about whether the next play is the one where I get to him so fast that I have the time to tear his arm off and beat his ass to death with it. Maybe on that play in the fear of seeing me in his face for the fifth play in a row he decides to uncork a pass sooner than he wants to throw it, when his receiver hasn’t made his break or is being covered by the corner like a cheap suit. That’s when we pounce and one of the defensive backs gets to show us why they get paid the big bucks, then you take that thing to the house and get treated like a fucking god for the week because your big play allowed the team to win the game. I’ll be happy for you but just remember when you end up on television after the game is over and they ask what it’s like to score the game winning touchdown on an interception remember to give me the credit because without me terrorizing the quarterback all game, you wouldn’t be in a position to make that play. Same thing goes for you Norfolk, my phone is always on and I’m looking forward to hearing from you so we can make some things happen and terrorize some quarterbacks together.
*Sledge kind of wanders around a little bit before beginning to speak again*
Now this is the point where I would talk shit about the Tijuana Luchadores but I’m not going to do that because unlike the other two teams, Tijuana doesn’t deserve it because they are the champions of the league. Now just because they are the champions isn’t why I’m going to roast them, it’s because not only were they the champions but they were also arguably one of the best if not the best defensive teams in the league last season. Maybe that’s why they haven’t reached out to me, maybe they don’t think I can help them improve an already stellar defense.
*Sledge chuckles to himself*
But that is where they are wrong, you see you can always be improving because if you aren’t improving then someone else will be and you will go from the penthouse to the outhouse pretty damn quick. Now I'm sure you are wondering to yourself how I, Sledge Hammer, can improve an already great defense. Well it’s really simple, the current roster I am looking at only shows two defensive ends on it currently, now could that change with a trade or something? Yeah it absolutely could but at worst you add someone the caliper of myself and I can help add depth to that defensive line, maybe get some of your studs off the field so they can rest up and get back to what they do best and that's cause mayhem in the backfield. Now that’s of course me being modest which is not in my character, no sir, if I was drafted by our Tijuana I see myself as a day one starter, with one of the guys already on the roster coming into let me get my wind back so I can get into the backfield, hit the quarterback and dance over him like we just got the right to dance again. Now I would be honored to join your team. Your team is mysterious, I've talked to a lot of people about your team and not many know what you guys are ever up to. You guys are kinda like Slytherin in the Harry Potter books, you know that you are the best and you are only looking for the best to join your ranks and I’m just the guy you are looking for, I’m the not only the best defensive player in the draft this year but I the best damn player in the draft regardless of position. You and I together can be great, we can bring the best out of each other and strive for new heights, together we can put together the best defense the DSFL has ever seen. You can be Darth Vader and I can be Luke Skywalker and together we can rule this league with an iron fist. So if you are looking for the best prospect in the draft look no further than Sledge Hammer, I’ll live up to my name every practice and every game, I will deliver the pain like nothing you have ever seen in your life.
*Sledge pauses for a moment to gather his thoughts*
This goes for every team in the DSFL Draft, if you want the best prospect currently in the draft then look no further than me, there isn’t anyone in this draft more prepared to play day one than me, I have lived and breathed football since I could walk. I have dreamed of becoming a professional football player ever since I can remember. See what I did in London this year, I had thirteen tackles in four games with them and that with limited time with my teammates and barely knowing the playbook, just imagine if I have an entire offseason to get to know my teammates and to learn all of my responsibilities, I would be un fucking stoppable and all of you freaking know it, so if you don’t want me to be terrorizing your quarterback and making him cry for his momma, make sure you take me in the draft because if you don’t than the only think that will be happening the next few years is me terroring ball carriers, quarterbacks and offensive lineman and making your front office wish they had drafted me over some depth at best running back or a tight end who can’t catch or block. Thank you for watching this little video and I can’t wait to hear my name get called and see which lucky team will have my services at their disposal and which teams will be kicking themselves and when I blow up their quarterback for the fifteenth time in the first quarter. See you Thursday night motherfuckers.
Hello, my name is Sledge Hammer and I am a defensive end out of the University of North Texas and I am a prospect in the upcoming season 37 DSFL Draft. You’re probably wondering why I am just randomly posting a video on Youtube less than a week before the draft, you’re probably wondering why I’m not working out getting ready for the draft and the upcoming season. Well I’m here to tell you why. About a decade ago there was a little known defensive tackle prospect coming out of a smaller school like I did named Fergus Callaghan Jr, a defensive tackle out of Montana State. He decided to do something similar to what I’m about to do because he knew that it would help get his name out there for the GM’s that weren’t familiar with him and his work in college. He went from being a fucking no body in the ISFL to a second round DSFL draft pick to the London Royals and it even lead to him being a first round pick in the Season 27 ISFL Draft to the Arizona Outlaws. Now his career ended up not panning out the way he had hoped it would and a history of head injuries would end up claiming his once promosing career but I’m hoping by following in his footsteps with one of these videos that I might do the same thing, make a fucking name for myself and help me get drafted higher so that I can at least say that I am without a doubt the better Hammer in the draft. Now with all this bullshit out of the way let’s get down to fucking business.
Now when I actually get down to it, I wasn’t really sure where to start with this thing, it would be easy and peaceful for me to just go down the list of teams, look at their strengths and weaknesses and then figure out how I might or might now fit into what that team is trying to do in the upcoming few seasons but then i thought to myself that would be fucking boring because I am an agent of chaos, I like to stur the pot a little bit. Maybe, just maybe take people out of their comfort zones and since I’m so confident in my abilities I’ll just go out and speak directly from the heart about what I think about each team that may or may not want to draft the greatest defensive line prospect ever. Then I thought to myself, what’s the point of even talking about the teams that have already reached out to me, teams like the Dallas Bird Dogs, I haven’t really reached out to them yet because I have been getting ready for the draft but I’m sure we will catch up in the coming days, I’ve talked to the Portland Pythons and the seem like they like what they are seeing from me already, I’ve talked to the Minnesota Grey Ducks, which is the team that housed my brother Jack after we entered the league and went to waivers so they have already had the worst version of me so maybe they will draft me so they can have the best Hammer in the draft. Now I can’t forget the London Royals, the team that took me on waivers during that period. They already know what they are getting in me, they know how hard I work in practice and that I give a thousand percent every down in games. Last but not least of the teams that have reached out to me are the Bondi Beach Buccaneers. They were a little less talkative in our conversation but maybe they were more interested in information they could find out about me than trying to tell me what they have planned because honestly, I don’t care what the plan is because all your team needs is me and I can make whatever plan look like a genius created it. Now what does this leave left, that’s three teams that haven’t bothered to look at me, those teams are the Kansas City Coyotes, the Tijuana Luchadores and Norfolk Sea Wolves. What’s taking so long to reach out to me or do you think that little ol Sledge Hammer out of some small time Conference USA team in northern Texas isn’t worth your fucking time? Well that’s where you are all fucking wrong. I can improve any team in this league, I don’t care if your team went out and set the single season sack record for sacks by a team in a season because I can still improve those numbers for you. I’m a one man wrecking crew on the defensive line and if you don’t draft me, then I’m going to make your quarterback wish not only that he didn’t strap up his helmet that day but that he was never fucking born. I’m going to make them hurt so damn bad that their grandkids are going to be born feeling the pain that was inflicted on their grandpas. These aren’t just some idle words or big talk coming from some overconfident toolbag. No these are bonafide facts that I am spitting to you Youtube and come sometime soon, you will all realize that I wasn’t talking out of my ass today, you will know that I was coming with premonitions, I was predicting the future for quarterbacks in this league, that I was going to come out and lay blue whale sized can of whoop as on every player that will unfortunately for themselves cross paths with me on my path to greatness. Now let’s actually get to the meat and potatoes of this little video, let’s get to the point that everyone has been waiting for and that’s for me to grind these three teams into the dirt.
Now the order of how I do this will be done based on how the team finished the season. Did I choose this so I could do Tijuana last? Maybe but it also might be the fact that the two other teams might just need to hear their names first so they can feel proud that someone is actually talking about them for a change. Now I will start with the Kansas City Coyotes. Yes I know that they in the overall standings weren’t any worse than Norfork was but I’m choosing them because based on points allowed they were far and away the worst team in the league and since I play defense I feel that I can probably help them out.
Now Kansas City, I'm trying to figure out which one of your defensive stats is the most appalling to me, is it the fact that you only had as a team, 23 sacks during the most recent season or was it the fact that you gave up 443 points against in 14 games. If you round up that means you guys were giving up almost 32 points a game, like how can your defensive players look themselves in the mirror and even have an ounce of respect for themselves. It feels like they were out there, putting on their eye black and little tiny sweat bands to make their muscles look bigger, playing patty cake with the offensive players across from them, getting their shit shoved in and then going home and cashing the game check. If I was your defensive unit, I would be fucking embarrased and to be honest, I would probably start looking for a new line of work because clearly football isn’t your calling. So look at me now Kansas City, I am a sack machine, I could probably go out there and get at least 7 or 8 sacks next season by myself without breaking a sweat, imagine what your other players could do if the other team has to worry about me coming off the edge every play looking to literally kill their quarterback, they will have to end up probably double teaming me with the guard and tackle on my side and if I’m still giving them problems, then they will have to chip me with a tight end or full back…if those even still exist in the league. I mean I’m looking at it, that would be three out of a eleven players just focused on me, that means there should be some room for some of the slap asses on the KC front line that should have a free and clear shot to maybe, make a fucking play for the first time in there sorry ass lives.
This is what I meant when I said that I could come in and fix whatever plan the GM has for the team. If the simple plan for the team is to improve the defense so they can let there big badass offense try and win some games than I’m the man for the fucking job. I can create so much havoc that your little sisters of the poor defensive players can probably at least luck themselves into making a few plays and maybe, just maybe they can win a few more games and make the playoffs, Hell if they make the playoffs they might even be able to win the ultimini because we all know that if you can get to the playoffs anything can happen in it and strange things have happened. So my guess since I know what I can do as a defensive end, I’m guessing with me on your line, your team could go from twenty three sacks in a season to thirty three or more sacks in a season and if you are getting at least ten more sacks in a season then that means that the other team is probably scoring less, i’m guessing with me on the team you could probably give up comfortably about a hundred less points next season and if you are giving up that many fewer points than I can almost guarantee…no I take that back, I guarantee that you will make the playoffs. So Kansas City if your GM’s and scouts are seeing this, go ahead and give me a call and we can talk more about how I can save your sorry ass franchise from the pit of misery.
Now next up on the hit list are the Norfork Sea Wolves. Now on the defensive side of the ball I feel this team is a little more ready to compete. Last season you guys gave up three hundred and forty one points on defense which is over a hundred points less than the Kansas City Coyotes, for that I applaud you. You were nowhere near the worst defensive team in the DSFL last season, what happened to you guys is your offense really let you down. Now I’m sure you and your fans are watching this now and wondering how a defensive player can help revive an offense that couldn’t beat a team of seventh graders. Well it’s really quite simple, the defense will have to carry the team even harder. You get me on this roster with the defensive talent that they already have and we can probably drop the points against by enough to make the offense look less inept than it really is. Plus if this defense can get more pressure on the quarterback than maybe we can cause a few more turnovers and with the right amount of luck your offense can turn them into some much needed points for. Now I look at your defensive stats and you caused a total of twenty nine turnovers last season which is decent, but what you guys might and it’s probably not even might, your defense is going to have to score a bunch on defense to make for that anemic offense that you guys are trotting out there game in and game out. With someone like me on the roster that is now problem. I’m always looking to cause a turnover and if I cause it, I'll turn into a Hoover vacuum and recover it as well. If I get my hands on it, I’m going to look to score it because I feel it’s my duty to do just about every damn thing on the defense. Now maybe I’m not lucky enough cause the turnover directly, that’s alright too because if I hit the quarterback enough times than he’s going to start having to worry about whether the next play is the one where I get to him so fast that I have the time to tear his arm off and beat his ass to death with it. Maybe on that play in the fear of seeing me in his face for the fifth play in a row he decides to uncork a pass sooner than he wants to throw it, when his receiver hasn’t made his break or is being covered by the corner like a cheap suit. That’s when we pounce and one of the defensive backs gets to show us why they get paid the big bucks, then you take that thing to the house and get treated like a fucking god for the week because your big play allowed the team to win the game. I’ll be happy for you but just remember when you end up on television after the game is over and they ask what it’s like to score the game winning touchdown on an interception remember to give me the credit because without me terrorizing the quarterback all game, you wouldn’t be in a position to make that play. Same thing goes for you Norfolk, my phone is always on and I’m looking forward to hearing from you so we can make some things happen and terrorize some quarterbacks together.
*Sledge kind of wanders around a little bit before beginning to speak again*
Now this is the point where I would talk shit about the Tijuana Luchadores but I’m not going to do that because unlike the other two teams, Tijuana doesn’t deserve it because they are the champions of the league. Now just because they are the champions isn’t why I’m going to roast them, it’s because not only were they the champions but they were also arguably one of the best if not the best defensive teams in the league last season. Maybe that’s why they haven’t reached out to me, maybe they don’t think I can help them improve an already stellar defense.
*Sledge chuckles to himself*
But that is where they are wrong, you see you can always be improving because if you aren’t improving then someone else will be and you will go from the penthouse to the outhouse pretty damn quick. Now I'm sure you are wondering to yourself how I, Sledge Hammer, can improve an already great defense. Well it’s really simple, the current roster I am looking at only shows two defensive ends on it currently, now could that change with a trade or something? Yeah it absolutely could but at worst you add someone the caliper of myself and I can help add depth to that defensive line, maybe get some of your studs off the field so they can rest up and get back to what they do best and that's cause mayhem in the backfield. Now that’s of course me being modest which is not in my character, no sir, if I was drafted by our Tijuana I see myself as a day one starter, with one of the guys already on the roster coming into let me get my wind back so I can get into the backfield, hit the quarterback and dance over him like we just got the right to dance again. Now I would be honored to join your team. Your team is mysterious, I've talked to a lot of people about your team and not many know what you guys are ever up to. You guys are kinda like Slytherin in the Harry Potter books, you know that you are the best and you are only looking for the best to join your ranks and I’m just the guy you are looking for, I’m the not only the best defensive player in the draft this year but I the best damn player in the draft regardless of position. You and I together can be great, we can bring the best out of each other and strive for new heights, together we can put together the best defense the DSFL has ever seen. You can be Darth Vader and I can be Luke Skywalker and together we can rule this league with an iron fist. So if you are looking for the best prospect in the draft look no further than Sledge Hammer, I’ll live up to my name every practice and every game, I will deliver the pain like nothing you have ever seen in your life.
*Sledge pauses for a moment to gather his thoughts*
This goes for every team in the DSFL Draft, if you want the best prospect currently in the draft then look no further than me, there isn’t anyone in this draft more prepared to play day one than me, I have lived and breathed football since I could walk. I have dreamed of becoming a professional football player ever since I can remember. See what I did in London this year, I had thirteen tackles in four games with them and that with limited time with my teammates and barely knowing the playbook, just imagine if I have an entire offseason to get to know my teammates and to learn all of my responsibilities, I would be un fucking stoppable and all of you freaking know it, so if you don’t want me to be terrorizing your quarterback and making him cry for his momma, make sure you take me in the draft because if you don’t than the only think that will be happening the next few years is me terroring ball carriers, quarterbacks and offensive lineman and making your front office wish they had drafted me over some depth at best running back or a tight end who can’t catch or block. Thank you for watching this little video and I can’t wait to hear my name get called and see which lucky team will have my services at their disposal and which teams will be kicking themselves and when I blow up their quarterback for the fifteenth time in the first quarter. See you Thursday night motherfuckers.