02-14-2023, 08:16 AM
(This post was last modified: 02-15-2023, 12:06 AM by xenosthelegend. Edited 3 times in total.)
Who doesn’t love a good unbreakable record? The ultimate sign of achievement for your character? Something so monumentally impressive that people will have no choice but to address you as one of the greatest to ever do your craft. Or maybe the sim just decided to be a little screwy for a day, and give you a little trinket that only stat-obsessed nerds who’ve never felt the warm embrace of a woman care about. Either way, I’ve scoured the WolfieBot index, and have compiled for you today the 20 most unbreakable ISFL records of all time. If I had access to the league’s Youtube channel, you can bet your sweet ass I’d make this into a WatchMojo or Buzzfeed top 10 video. #1 will literally blow your dick off.
Honorable Mention:
Best Punts Downed Inside The 20 Percentage in a single game - Paul Monitor, BAL, S31 W3: 200%
I’m almost positive that this glitch is due to how the league handles free kicks (the kickoffs after a safety). In this Season 31 game, Baltimore Hawks punter Paul Monitor only performed one traditional punt, which was downed at the 17-yard line after a penalty. However, early in the game, Baltimore gave up a safety to Berlin, and had to free kick it away. The free kick was downed at the 19-yard line. However, if you look in the stat sheet for this game, it shows he had one punt total, and two punts downed inside the 20. So, free kicks must count towards your punts inside the 20 quota, but not the category for just punts, giving him this glitchy record. The record will stand until either someone can do multiple free kicks inside the 20, which would require multiple safeties in one game, which has only been done a couple of times in the history of the league, OR someone has to have zero punts in the game, and do a single free kick inside the 20, giving them an infinite deep punt percentage, and I would lose my mind. This could be rectified though with a simple update of recordkeeping, so I’ll be nice and give you 20 other ones. You’re welcome.
20. Passer rating in a season - Charlemagne Cortez, AZ, S30, 113.1
Next closest: Jackie Daytona, AUS, S34: 109.3
We’re starting off with a record that I’m almost positive that Charlemagne Cortez got by complete accident, and the weird logistics surrounding passer rating. In Season 30, Cortez put up a monster passer rating of 113.1, which not only blew everyone else out of the water that season, but was almost four points higher than the next closest ever at that time. But despite that, he didn’t lead the league in any other statistical category. Yards: 4th, well behind Colby Jack. Completion percentage: 2nd, 1.5% behind Joliet Christ Jr. Touchdowns: 2nd, close but one behind Colby. Interceptions thrown: 3rd, Ben Slothlisberger threw three to Cortez’s 10. Completions: barely in the top 10. And yet, he curbstomped the field in passer rating. I can’t explain it, and because of that, there’s a chance no one would be able to replicate this.
19. Passes defended in a career - Rich Triplet: 324
Next closest: Albert Ruschmann: 293
And now we begin with records that one seemingly can try to get without guesswork. Rich Triplet had a long career that constantly saw him miss out on hardware wherever he went. He got called up right after San Jose won back-to-back chips in Seasons 24 and 25, left for Arizona for nine seasons, made it to a single Ultimus and lost, spent his final season in Colorado, and got to watch Arizona start a dynasty. But at least he has this record in his keep. Over his 12-year pro career, he swatted down 324 passes, more than 30 more than anyone else. He also holds the record for most deflections in a season with 46, and has two more seasons inside the top 20 in that category.
18. Pass attempts in a career - Borkus Maximus III: 5981
Next closest: Mattathias Caliban: 5551
This one might actually be breakable, but it would require a rookie to basically be handed the reins to the offense from a very early point and never being asked to give them up. Wait, that’s just Nova Montagne. For the time being, Borkus Maximus III was called up as a true rookie, which almost never happens. He lasted ten seasons, which is very impressive considering quarterbacks tend to retire or change position before regression takes away too much of their skills. Part of the reason why I’m calling this unbreakable for the time being is because Maximus retired in Season 15, which means he’s held this record for a quarter-century, and no one’s taken it yet, despite the best efforts of people like Mattathias Caliban.
17. Longest punt return - Brandon Booker, OCO, S26 W1: 98
Next closest: Raphtalia Chan, SAR, S24 W12: 95
Technically, this is beatable, but only once. In his first game with the Orange County Otters, after four years with the Sabercats, Brandon Booker took his second ever punt as an Otter back 98 yards to the house en route to an intense 45-42 win over the Outlaws. The fact that he brought it out at all is kind of a miracle in itself, and it makes the possible 99-yard return that would be needed to break it that much more unlikely. It would require such a brazen series of events that it might never be seen in our league, meaning Booker’s record is likely safe forever.
16. Receptions in a season - Eleven Kendrick-Watts, HON, S30, 144
Next closest: Paul DiMirio, PHI, S6; Eleven Kendrick Watts, HON, S31, 135
This will be the first of several records we’re going to come across today, where the record holder also holds at least a share of second place, meaning this person was both amazing at this one specific thing, but also they were unable to replicate how good they were that one time. Eleven Kendrick-Watts did just that, laying his claim as the slant-route king in this season. Even crazier than that though was that his teammate from that season, Lalo Salamanca had 127 receptions, 9th most all time. That Honolulu team was fun to watch.
15. Longest field goal made - Alfredo Crisco, AUS, S20, 65 yards
Next closest: twice by Blago Kokot, twice by Matthew McDairmid, 63 yards
This is a record that the WolfieBot doesn’t actually track, so I had to do some legwork for this one. This required a max power kicker doing max power kicker things, and the crazy thing is, usually you expect these uber long field goals to happen at the end of the first half, so that if you miss, you aren’t handing the ball to your opponent in their own territory from a spot where they could kick a shorter field goal, even if they gained no more yardage. Not this madlad, though, he did it right in the middle of the third quarter. Granted, his Copperheads were already up 28-10 against a Sabercats offense that was historically stuck in the mud. (Man, I don’t miss playing as Dan Wright.)
14. Longest punt - Swantavius King, SAR, S37 W7: 89 yards
Next closest: Cristiano Ronaldo, AZ, S3 W8; Blago Kokot, YKW, S26 W1: 81 yards
We love punting around here, and Swantavius King absolutely deserves a spot on this list for the boomer of a punt he did against the Hawks in Season 37. We can’t watch the actual trajectory of the punt and how it rolled, but what we do know is this. King kicked the ball from his own four-yard line, so he didn’t even get a full amount of space to take the snap. He probably got an all-time great roll, and was able to down the ball at the Hawks six-yard line, a complete flipping of the field. Any longer of a punt would require such a laser-guided set-up that I’m comfortable calling this one safe.
13. Forced fumbles in a single season - Melvin Murder-Moose, COL, S33, 12
Next closest: Xavier Walls, HON, S35, 9
12. Fumbles recovered in a single season - Melvin Murder-Moose, COL, S33, 8
Next closest: 4 different occasions: 5
We have a two-for-one on this next one, as Melvin Murder-Moose went cocaine-feral in Season 33. The sad thing is, if you go to the stats sheet on the index, and sort by forced fumbles, you won’t even see it, because it was not expecting anyone to get double digit forced fumbles. (His statline is all the way down by the 1’s.) This all-time performance went along with 18 sacks that season, and I’m honestly left to wonder how he didn’t win Defensive Player of the Year that season. Maybe the awards people couldn’t find his statline.
11. Interceptions thrown in a single season - Nicholas Pierno, COL, S3, 35
Next closest: Brad Pennington, SJS, S8: 31
Last up before the top 10, we have an award that no one wants to achieve, and I really fucking hope no one breaks it. If you can think of a quarterback record that you wouldn’t want, it’s probably owned by Nicholas Pierno, but this was his masterpiece. During his rookie season, Pierno threw eight touchdowns, 35 interceptions, completed less than 50% of his passes, threw for 2,200 yards, and had a quarterback rating of 35.3, Jesus wept. He would’ve had a better passer rating if he just spiked the ball on every play, and honestly, Colorado probably would’ve won more games if that would’ve happened. During the process of looking for records, I realized I was only looking for first-place records, not last-place records, and sure enough, he also could’ve made this list for worst passer rating in a season, as the next closest was Logan Noble in Season 10, with a 42.6. I’m gonna move on now, before I start piling on here. Talking about Pierno brings this out of me.
10. Interceptions in a career - Dermot Lavelle: 57
Next closest: Blackford Oakes: 46
9. Punt return TDs in a career - Dermot Lavelle: 10
Next closest: Bradley Westfield, Kazimir Oles, Vinny Valentine: 6
Another double here, but this time, we’re showing off the incredible versatility of one of the best to ever play the game, Dermot Lavelle. Lavelle actually, technically, holds an unbreakable record on all three sides of the ball, as he also had a season where he averaged 27.5 yards per reception, while the next closest had just under 24, but that’s on just 11 receptions, and feels a little gimmicked, especially when we could be talking about Lavelle’s other skills, like coming down with every single interception in the world, or perfecting the art of punt returning. Between these three records, there’s a case to be made that Dermot Lavelle might just be the best athlete in the history of the league. I bet I could make that case.
8. Rushing TDs in a season - Darren Smallwood, NOLA, S9, 27
Next closest: 3 different occasions: 23
The league has always had elite runners, but there was a time in the single-digit to teen years of the league where it seemed like we were living in a golden age of the position. Guys like Marquise Brown, Owen Taylor and Darren Smallwood were among the biggest stars in the league, but Smallwood might’ve been the best of the lot. In Season 9, he dropped a monstrous 27 touchdowns on the league. During that season, he had four games with at least three touchdowns, and a Week 8 game where he got the quad-shot. He also went for at least 15 rushing touchdowns in four of his mere seven seasons in the league, so it’s safe to say he was good at this.
7. Fumbles recovered in a career - Mike Boss Jr.: 24
Next closest: Melvin Murder-Moose, AJ Lucas, Big Slammu: 17
Is recovering fumbles a skill you can actually cultivate, or is it more about just being in the right place at the right time? If you ask, Mike Boss Jr., it’s the former. The younger Boss made a career out of snagging the ball when it popped to the turf. But here’s the kicker that I didn’t realize until I started writing this part of the article, Mike Boss Jr. was not a defensive player, or at least he wasn’t for most of his career. He was a quarterback, like his old man was. So granted, some of those fumble recoveries were probably due to him fumbling the ball in the first place, but it’s worth pointing out that Boss Jr. is the only QB with more than 10 fumble recoveries. In fact, the first quarterback that I could find on that list after Boss Jr. was Nicholas Pierno, with six. Why do I keep finding that man in my research? However, he’s not the only Boss with an unbreakable record…
6. Passing yards per game in a single season - Mike Boss, OCO, S5, 396.071 yards per game
Next closest: Mike Boss, OCO, S6: 394 yards per game
The record list for passing yards in a single season is littered with modern-day quarterbacks like Colby Jack, Mattathias Caliban, Tight End Eighty-Two, and Live LaughLove. But there is one, count them one, pre-expansion era player in that mix, Mike Boss. The difference though between Boss Sr and everyone else is that the modern players get a 16-game schedule to work with. Boss is right there with those guys, and did so in just a 14-game schedule. He had to average almost 400 passing yards per game, and he topped that mark five times on the season, with a trio of games topping 500 yards. When your worst passing outing still nets 292 passing yards on the season, you are the king of passing yards.
5. Sacks in a single season - Jayce Tuck, AZ, S3, 32
Next closest: Dan Miller, SJS, S3, 24
This would one would've probably been a lot higher, maybe even as high as #1, if Tuck's career wasn't surrounded by controversy. At face value, this record is 1000% percent unbreakable, as it would require a player to average two sacks per game, which is wildly unlikely. However, this was his last full season before the Outlaws' multi-player scandal, where Tuck’s user was playing as somewhere between six and nine players, most of whom played for the Outlaws. Tuck was suspended for a year, all of the alt accounts were banned, and he was never the same after that. Tuck had a whopping 71 sacks through his first three seasons, and looked to be on his way to another big season, but after he came back in Season 6, he only had 28 sacks in his last five seasons, as Tuck faded into shame and obscurity. He wasn't a GM for the team (rather the owner of the entire league), so I'm not 100% sure how playing as multiple players would help Tuck specifically, but the dropoff after the scandal happened shows that he was aided in some way by his multi accounts.
4. Rushing yards in a single game - Goat Tank, BER, S32 W3: 312
Next closest: Baby Yoda, CHI, S27 W2: 280
Goat Tank spent his first four seasons in the league as a defensive tackle, and didn’t move to running back until he was already halfway to regression. That’s a real shame, because we missed out on quite a few seasons of him as the best runner in the league. He went over 1450 rushing yards in six of his eight seasons as a runner, and this game was his magnum opus. To give you a glimpse at how unbelievable a 300-yard rushing game is, there have been only 15 200-yard games in the history of the league. The game is just not designed for these massive outlier games like this. That being said, Goat Tank had four 200-yard rushing games in his career, plus this 312-yard apocalypse against the Yeti, so maybe he is the GOAT.
3. Pass attempts in a single game - Childish Gambino, BAL, S13 W9: 78
Next closest: Childish Gambino, BAL, S13 W8: 69
Can you believe that this game didn’t go into overtime? Childish Gambino once threw the ball 78 times in 60 minutes of professional football. But that’s not the craziest thing about this. He also holds the second-place record, with a 69 attempt performance, also in regulation. But that’s not the craziest thing about this. The craziest thing about this is that these two games happened in back-to-back weeks. This is the equivalent of a speedrunner getting a world-record in a certain game, and then saying “trash run”, and destroying that record with his very next attempt. (And knowing how speedrunners are, they’d call that a “trash run” too.) This also means that Gambino 100% owns the record for most pass attempts across consecutive games, and no, I will not be looking up who’s second on that list.
2. Sacks in a single game - Dan Miller, COL, S9 W12: 9
Next closest: Bork Bjornsson, YKW, S3 W3: 6
I first saw this record by accident a long time ago, during my post about ISFL Scorigami. In a 21-7 game that was somehow a Scorigami almost nine full seasons into the leagues history, Yeti DT Dan Miller pulled down nine of his team’s 13 sacks on the day. Philadelphia may’ve had the worst offensive line of all time that season, as their line gave up 66 sacks that season, while the next closest that season gave up 31, but even still no one player has ever gotten even close to nine of those, even against the most offensive of offensive lines.
1. Rushing yards in a career - Jay Cue Jr.: 15058 (and counting)
Next closest: Tatsu Nakamura: 14061
Let's just talk real quick about what you would have to do to break Jay Cue Jr.'s hold on the rushing yards record. First, he already has a 1000 yard cushion over second-place Tatsu Nakamura. He was called up as a true rookie, so you're not going to beat his longevity, although maybe you could come up and be a bellcow right away, as he had two seasons at the start of his career when he split reps with Acura Skyline. He's had eight out of those 11 seasons currently under his belt as the undisputed #1 back in his offense, and in that time, he's put up the 1st, 2nd, 5th, and 11th most rushing yards in a single season. So you'll have to have multiple seasons with top-10 all-time numbers in rushing yards just to get into the conversation. But we aren’t done yet, that just gets us to the present-day. He's now almost certainly going to be the #1 back in Berlin. Even with Rab TheCrab at a slightly higher TPE, he's been inactive since July, so Rab will be a change of pace back, at best. Being conservative, let's say he gets 70% of the workload in Berlin as a 500-600 TPE back, that's good for about 1,200 rushing yards, slightly less than what Kumquat Archipelago got on a similar snap count (with fewer touchdowns probably). And he probably won't even be done at that point. Let's say he max earns this season, like he usually does, and gets to about 650 TPE. His next round of regression will drop him by 60%, which would drop him to 260 TPE, which is still plenty playable, quite a few rookies have played well at those numbers. KK Slider was drafted this season to be his heir-apparent, and will probably be at at least 450 TPE. Cue could still carve out a decent role in the offense at that range. Let's say he gets about a third of the touches in Season 41. That would maybe give him a chance for 500-600 yards or so (similar to Adebayo Akinfenwa on a similar snap count again). I don't think he'd be able to earn up to 600 TPE, which would be necessary to survive a 75% cut in regression, so that would probably be it for him. But even on the conservative side of things, we've added nearly 2,000 rushing yards to his total. He'd be sitting on nearly 17,000 rushing yards, almost 3,000 yards ahead of second place. That is basically insurmountable. They could expand the season to 18 games, they could reduce the effects of regression, they could add more point tasks to try and make a 14th season more viable and I still don't think this record is falling any time soon. Thanks for playing everyone.
Honorable Mention:
Best Punts Downed Inside The 20 Percentage in a single game - Paul Monitor, BAL, S31 W3: 200%
I’m almost positive that this glitch is due to how the league handles free kicks (the kickoffs after a safety). In this Season 31 game, Baltimore Hawks punter Paul Monitor only performed one traditional punt, which was downed at the 17-yard line after a penalty. However, early in the game, Baltimore gave up a safety to Berlin, and had to free kick it away. The free kick was downed at the 19-yard line. However, if you look in the stat sheet for this game, it shows he had one punt total, and two punts downed inside the 20. So, free kicks must count towards your punts inside the 20 quota, but not the category for just punts, giving him this glitchy record. The record will stand until either someone can do multiple free kicks inside the 20, which would require multiple safeties in one game, which has only been done a couple of times in the history of the league, OR someone has to have zero punts in the game, and do a single free kick inside the 20, giving them an infinite deep punt percentage, and I would lose my mind. This could be rectified though with a simple update of recordkeeping, so I’ll be nice and give you 20 other ones. You’re welcome.
20. Passer rating in a season - Charlemagne Cortez, AZ, S30, 113.1
Next closest: Jackie Daytona, AUS, S34: 109.3
We’re starting off with a record that I’m almost positive that Charlemagne Cortez got by complete accident, and the weird logistics surrounding passer rating. In Season 30, Cortez put up a monster passer rating of 113.1, which not only blew everyone else out of the water that season, but was almost four points higher than the next closest ever at that time. But despite that, he didn’t lead the league in any other statistical category. Yards: 4th, well behind Colby Jack. Completion percentage: 2nd, 1.5% behind Joliet Christ Jr. Touchdowns: 2nd, close but one behind Colby. Interceptions thrown: 3rd, Ben Slothlisberger threw three to Cortez’s 10. Completions: barely in the top 10. And yet, he curbstomped the field in passer rating. I can’t explain it, and because of that, there’s a chance no one would be able to replicate this.
19. Passes defended in a career - Rich Triplet: 324
Next closest: Albert Ruschmann: 293
And now we begin with records that one seemingly can try to get without guesswork. Rich Triplet had a long career that constantly saw him miss out on hardware wherever he went. He got called up right after San Jose won back-to-back chips in Seasons 24 and 25, left for Arizona for nine seasons, made it to a single Ultimus and lost, spent his final season in Colorado, and got to watch Arizona start a dynasty. But at least he has this record in his keep. Over his 12-year pro career, he swatted down 324 passes, more than 30 more than anyone else. He also holds the record for most deflections in a season with 46, and has two more seasons inside the top 20 in that category.
18. Pass attempts in a career - Borkus Maximus III: 5981
Next closest: Mattathias Caliban: 5551
This one might actually be breakable, but it would require a rookie to basically be handed the reins to the offense from a very early point and never being asked to give them up. Wait, that’s just Nova Montagne. For the time being, Borkus Maximus III was called up as a true rookie, which almost never happens. He lasted ten seasons, which is very impressive considering quarterbacks tend to retire or change position before regression takes away too much of their skills. Part of the reason why I’m calling this unbreakable for the time being is because Maximus retired in Season 15, which means he’s held this record for a quarter-century, and no one’s taken it yet, despite the best efforts of people like Mattathias Caliban.
17. Longest punt return - Brandon Booker, OCO, S26 W1: 98
Next closest: Raphtalia Chan, SAR, S24 W12: 95
Technically, this is beatable, but only once. In his first game with the Orange County Otters, after four years with the Sabercats, Brandon Booker took his second ever punt as an Otter back 98 yards to the house en route to an intense 45-42 win over the Outlaws. The fact that he brought it out at all is kind of a miracle in itself, and it makes the possible 99-yard return that would be needed to break it that much more unlikely. It would require such a brazen series of events that it might never be seen in our league, meaning Booker’s record is likely safe forever.
16. Receptions in a season - Eleven Kendrick-Watts, HON, S30, 144
Next closest: Paul DiMirio, PHI, S6; Eleven Kendrick Watts, HON, S31, 135
This will be the first of several records we’re going to come across today, where the record holder also holds at least a share of second place, meaning this person was both amazing at this one specific thing, but also they were unable to replicate how good they were that one time. Eleven Kendrick-Watts did just that, laying his claim as the slant-route king in this season. Even crazier than that though was that his teammate from that season, Lalo Salamanca had 127 receptions, 9th most all time. That Honolulu team was fun to watch.
15. Longest field goal made - Alfredo Crisco, AUS, S20, 65 yards
Next closest: twice by Blago Kokot, twice by Matthew McDairmid, 63 yards
This is a record that the WolfieBot doesn’t actually track, so I had to do some legwork for this one. This required a max power kicker doing max power kicker things, and the crazy thing is, usually you expect these uber long field goals to happen at the end of the first half, so that if you miss, you aren’t handing the ball to your opponent in their own territory from a spot where they could kick a shorter field goal, even if they gained no more yardage. Not this madlad, though, he did it right in the middle of the third quarter. Granted, his Copperheads were already up 28-10 against a Sabercats offense that was historically stuck in the mud. (Man, I don’t miss playing as Dan Wright.)
14. Longest punt - Swantavius King, SAR, S37 W7: 89 yards
Next closest: Cristiano Ronaldo, AZ, S3 W8; Blago Kokot, YKW, S26 W1: 81 yards
We love punting around here, and Swantavius King absolutely deserves a spot on this list for the boomer of a punt he did against the Hawks in Season 37. We can’t watch the actual trajectory of the punt and how it rolled, but what we do know is this. King kicked the ball from his own four-yard line, so he didn’t even get a full amount of space to take the snap. He probably got an all-time great roll, and was able to down the ball at the Hawks six-yard line, a complete flipping of the field. Any longer of a punt would require such a laser-guided set-up that I’m comfortable calling this one safe.
13. Forced fumbles in a single season - Melvin Murder-Moose, COL, S33, 12
Next closest: Xavier Walls, HON, S35, 9
12. Fumbles recovered in a single season - Melvin Murder-Moose, COL, S33, 8
Next closest: 4 different occasions: 5
We have a two-for-one on this next one, as Melvin Murder-Moose went cocaine-feral in Season 33. The sad thing is, if you go to the stats sheet on the index, and sort by forced fumbles, you won’t even see it, because it was not expecting anyone to get double digit forced fumbles. (His statline is all the way down by the 1’s.) This all-time performance went along with 18 sacks that season, and I’m honestly left to wonder how he didn’t win Defensive Player of the Year that season. Maybe the awards people couldn’t find his statline.
11. Interceptions thrown in a single season - Nicholas Pierno, COL, S3, 35
Next closest: Brad Pennington, SJS, S8: 31
Last up before the top 10, we have an award that no one wants to achieve, and I really fucking hope no one breaks it. If you can think of a quarterback record that you wouldn’t want, it’s probably owned by Nicholas Pierno, but this was his masterpiece. During his rookie season, Pierno threw eight touchdowns, 35 interceptions, completed less than 50% of his passes, threw for 2,200 yards, and had a quarterback rating of 35.3, Jesus wept. He would’ve had a better passer rating if he just spiked the ball on every play, and honestly, Colorado probably would’ve won more games if that would’ve happened. During the process of looking for records, I realized I was only looking for first-place records, not last-place records, and sure enough, he also could’ve made this list for worst passer rating in a season, as the next closest was Logan Noble in Season 10, with a 42.6. I’m gonna move on now, before I start piling on here. Talking about Pierno brings this out of me.
10. Interceptions in a career - Dermot Lavelle: 57
Next closest: Blackford Oakes: 46
9. Punt return TDs in a career - Dermot Lavelle: 10
Next closest: Bradley Westfield, Kazimir Oles, Vinny Valentine: 6
Another double here, but this time, we’re showing off the incredible versatility of one of the best to ever play the game, Dermot Lavelle. Lavelle actually, technically, holds an unbreakable record on all three sides of the ball, as he also had a season where he averaged 27.5 yards per reception, while the next closest had just under 24, but that’s on just 11 receptions, and feels a little gimmicked, especially when we could be talking about Lavelle’s other skills, like coming down with every single interception in the world, or perfecting the art of punt returning. Between these three records, there’s a case to be made that Dermot Lavelle might just be the best athlete in the history of the league. I bet I could make that case.
8. Rushing TDs in a season - Darren Smallwood, NOLA, S9, 27
Next closest: 3 different occasions: 23
The league has always had elite runners, but there was a time in the single-digit to teen years of the league where it seemed like we were living in a golden age of the position. Guys like Marquise Brown, Owen Taylor and Darren Smallwood were among the biggest stars in the league, but Smallwood might’ve been the best of the lot. In Season 9, he dropped a monstrous 27 touchdowns on the league. During that season, he had four games with at least three touchdowns, and a Week 8 game where he got the quad-shot. He also went for at least 15 rushing touchdowns in four of his mere seven seasons in the league, so it’s safe to say he was good at this.
7. Fumbles recovered in a career - Mike Boss Jr.: 24
Next closest: Melvin Murder-Moose, AJ Lucas, Big Slammu: 17
Is recovering fumbles a skill you can actually cultivate, or is it more about just being in the right place at the right time? If you ask, Mike Boss Jr., it’s the former. The younger Boss made a career out of snagging the ball when it popped to the turf. But here’s the kicker that I didn’t realize until I started writing this part of the article, Mike Boss Jr. was not a defensive player, or at least he wasn’t for most of his career. He was a quarterback, like his old man was. So granted, some of those fumble recoveries were probably due to him fumbling the ball in the first place, but it’s worth pointing out that Boss Jr. is the only QB with more than 10 fumble recoveries. In fact, the first quarterback that I could find on that list after Boss Jr. was Nicholas Pierno, with six. Why do I keep finding that man in my research? However, he’s not the only Boss with an unbreakable record…
6. Passing yards per game in a single season - Mike Boss, OCO, S5, 396.071 yards per game
Next closest: Mike Boss, OCO, S6: 394 yards per game
The record list for passing yards in a single season is littered with modern-day quarterbacks like Colby Jack, Mattathias Caliban, Tight End Eighty-Two, and Live LaughLove. But there is one, count them one, pre-expansion era player in that mix, Mike Boss. The difference though between Boss Sr and everyone else is that the modern players get a 16-game schedule to work with. Boss is right there with those guys, and did so in just a 14-game schedule. He had to average almost 400 passing yards per game, and he topped that mark five times on the season, with a trio of games topping 500 yards. When your worst passing outing still nets 292 passing yards on the season, you are the king of passing yards.
5. Sacks in a single season - Jayce Tuck, AZ, S3, 32
Next closest: Dan Miller, SJS, S3, 24
This would one would've probably been a lot higher, maybe even as high as #1, if Tuck's career wasn't surrounded by controversy. At face value, this record is 1000% percent unbreakable, as it would require a player to average two sacks per game, which is wildly unlikely. However, this was his last full season before the Outlaws' multi-player scandal, where Tuck’s user was playing as somewhere between six and nine players, most of whom played for the Outlaws. Tuck was suspended for a year, all of the alt accounts were banned, and he was never the same after that. Tuck had a whopping 71 sacks through his first three seasons, and looked to be on his way to another big season, but after he came back in Season 6, he only had 28 sacks in his last five seasons, as Tuck faded into shame and obscurity. He wasn't a GM for the team (rather the owner of the entire league), so I'm not 100% sure how playing as multiple players would help Tuck specifically, but the dropoff after the scandal happened shows that he was aided in some way by his multi accounts.
4. Rushing yards in a single game - Goat Tank, BER, S32 W3: 312
Next closest: Baby Yoda, CHI, S27 W2: 280
Goat Tank spent his first four seasons in the league as a defensive tackle, and didn’t move to running back until he was already halfway to regression. That’s a real shame, because we missed out on quite a few seasons of him as the best runner in the league. He went over 1450 rushing yards in six of his eight seasons as a runner, and this game was his magnum opus. To give you a glimpse at how unbelievable a 300-yard rushing game is, there have been only 15 200-yard games in the history of the league. The game is just not designed for these massive outlier games like this. That being said, Goat Tank had four 200-yard rushing games in his career, plus this 312-yard apocalypse against the Yeti, so maybe he is the GOAT.
3. Pass attempts in a single game - Childish Gambino, BAL, S13 W9: 78
Next closest: Childish Gambino, BAL, S13 W8: 69
Can you believe that this game didn’t go into overtime? Childish Gambino once threw the ball 78 times in 60 minutes of professional football. But that’s not the craziest thing about this. He also holds the second-place record, with a 69 attempt performance, also in regulation. But that’s not the craziest thing about this. The craziest thing about this is that these two games happened in back-to-back weeks. This is the equivalent of a speedrunner getting a world-record in a certain game, and then saying “trash run”, and destroying that record with his very next attempt. (And knowing how speedrunners are, they’d call that a “trash run” too.) This also means that Gambino 100% owns the record for most pass attempts across consecutive games, and no, I will not be looking up who’s second on that list.
2. Sacks in a single game - Dan Miller, COL, S9 W12: 9
Next closest: Bork Bjornsson, YKW, S3 W3: 6
I first saw this record by accident a long time ago, during my post about ISFL Scorigami. In a 21-7 game that was somehow a Scorigami almost nine full seasons into the leagues history, Yeti DT Dan Miller pulled down nine of his team’s 13 sacks on the day. Philadelphia may’ve had the worst offensive line of all time that season, as their line gave up 66 sacks that season, while the next closest that season gave up 31, but even still no one player has ever gotten even close to nine of those, even against the most offensive of offensive lines.
1. Rushing yards in a career - Jay Cue Jr.: 15058 (and counting)
Next closest: Tatsu Nakamura: 14061
Let's just talk real quick about what you would have to do to break Jay Cue Jr.'s hold on the rushing yards record. First, he already has a 1000 yard cushion over second-place Tatsu Nakamura. He was called up as a true rookie, so you're not going to beat his longevity, although maybe you could come up and be a bellcow right away, as he had two seasons at the start of his career when he split reps with Acura Skyline. He's had eight out of those 11 seasons currently under his belt as the undisputed #1 back in his offense, and in that time, he's put up the 1st, 2nd, 5th, and 11th most rushing yards in a single season. So you'll have to have multiple seasons with top-10 all-time numbers in rushing yards just to get into the conversation. But we aren’t done yet, that just gets us to the present-day. He's now almost certainly going to be the #1 back in Berlin. Even with Rab TheCrab at a slightly higher TPE, he's been inactive since July, so Rab will be a change of pace back, at best. Being conservative, let's say he gets 70% of the workload in Berlin as a 500-600 TPE back, that's good for about 1,200 rushing yards, slightly less than what Kumquat Archipelago got on a similar snap count (with fewer touchdowns probably). And he probably won't even be done at that point. Let's say he max earns this season, like he usually does, and gets to about 650 TPE. His next round of regression will drop him by 60%, which would drop him to 260 TPE, which is still plenty playable, quite a few rookies have played well at those numbers. KK Slider was drafted this season to be his heir-apparent, and will probably be at at least 450 TPE. Cue could still carve out a decent role in the offense at that range. Let's say he gets about a third of the touches in Season 41. That would maybe give him a chance for 500-600 yards or so (similar to Adebayo Akinfenwa on a similar snap count again). I don't think he'd be able to earn up to 600 TPE, which would be necessary to survive a 75% cut in regression, so that would probably be it for him. But even on the conservative side of things, we've added nearly 2,000 rushing yards to his total. He'd be sitting on nearly 17,000 rushing yards, almost 3,000 yards ahead of second place. That is basically insurmountable. They could expand the season to 18 games, they could reduce the effects of regression, they could add more point tasks to try and make a 14th season more viable and I still don't think this record is falling any time soon. Thanks for playing everyone.