03-20-2023, 06:54 PM
(This post was last modified: 03-21-2023, 05:11 PM by xenosthelegend. Edited 1 time in total.)
Today's report brings us in a road trip with none other than Bill Cravy himself
Establishing shot, camera view of a big blue and grey camper van as it drives up a long stretch of the Route 35 connecting Kansas City to Minneapolis. The camera suddenly falls, giving the audience a brief glimpse of the dismayed and now cursing cameraman who dropped it from the Sports 5 News helicopter before the view spins. That looked expensive. The dropped camera, not the helicopter. The helicopter looked like the Sports 5 News team built it themselves. As the camera falls closer and closer to the ground, we see a closer view of the van in between spins. A camper van like the one from Breaking Bad, painted with stripes in the colors of the Minnesota Grey Ducks. On the side in sloppily written letters: The Cravy Boat
"Here we are again Sports Heads, this time Bill Cravy has allowed us a glimpse into the life of a traveling salesman, driving up and down between games rather than taking the flight back." Came the voice of Moe Sertanly, microphone too close to his face. Sitting in the passenger seat of the van, our reporter on the ground sits without a seat belt, beginning his interview with the Star Cornerback of Minnesota by smashing the microphone in between his own face and the driver's.
"So Bill, if I could start the questions for the journey, I of course have to ask. Why take the Cravy Boat, when you could be traveling with your teammates?" Asked Moe.
"Well it's simple Mr. Sertanly, and I understand the concern. But I love my teammates, and fly with them when I can, but the Cravy Boat is twofold." Bill explained, looking to the camera every once in a while before back out the windshield to make sure he wasn't swerving out of the lane. Wouldn't want to cause a driving scandal that could endanger his career, after all. Or hit anyone. That's a concern too, probably. But us at Sports 5 News are less interested in that. "You see, when the drive is short, it's important I continue to sell the products of Cravy, Inc." He explained. "I've got a van full of beef, corn, gravy, lasagna, as well as Definitely Milk, my newest sponsor. Oh, that reminds me-" Bill takes his eyes off the road to stare right into the camera, beginning a practiced ad-read. "Don't buy the bullshit the big cattle industry is selling you! Definitely Milk has vitamins D,E,F, and none of the chemicals most milk companies have!" He said, before turning back to the road just in time to slam the breaks for a traffic jam ahead. The sound of glass breaking can be heard behind the camera.
"And so for games closer to home, you utilize the van as a traveling salesman would?" Moe asked, buckling his seat belt. Noticing Cravy has done the opposite, he quickly follows suit.
"Exactly. These big traffic jams are the perfect opportunity to sell. Care to join me outside while the interview continues?" And indeed, that is what they do. The pair take a quick trip to the back of the van, where Bill Cravy's various products are scooped into a large cart and escorted out of the van, where the pair begin to walk between honking cars.
"So my next question Bill, what is the game you are most looking forward to this season?" Moe asked.
"Well the Coyotes are one of my favorite teams to play, I always enjoy going toe-to-toe with Jake Jefferson after we were teammates in the Prospect Bowl." Cravy answered, in between knocking on the windows of stopped cars as they strolled. Any time one window was rolled down, he offered what seemed to be mostly ingredients to a cottage pie, before it was actually put together in a baked dish. The overpriced corn was not much of a big seller, but on this hot day the milk sold like hotcakes to mostly disappointed customers. "But I also really enjoy playing the Luchadores. They've got a brutal wide receiving core, one of which is a literal Cheetah. No joke, like he goes by Cheetahman and people say he's a guy, but that's straight up a football helmet on a Cheetah. I don't think that's legal. Anyways, that's the best speed practice I can get." He explained
As they walked, movement could be seen up ahead, causing Bill to do a quick about-face, turning back to start running back to the van, that they might get back in and start driving in time with the rest of the motorists. Moe continued the interview, running alongside him. "And do-" He began, heavily breathing. He was certainly out of shape. "Do you want to focus on speed as the season continues?" He asked, leaping onto the cart so that he might grab a ride without needing to keep up himself.
"Of course!" Bill responded enthusiastically, snapping the mirror from a car. He was undeterred. "The Wide Receivers of the DSFL are quick as hell, faster than anyone in College Football. I've increased my coffee intake before games, but beyond that it takes practice. Remember when I mentioned the benefits of the Cravy Boat were twofold?" He asked as they sprinted down Route 35, the camper van on the horizon as the wave of moving cars began to creep closer to them from the other end.
"Ooh, now I see!" Moe Sertanly's face lit up in understanding. The sales of Cravy Inc's products were not just a source of extra income and a creative outlet for Bill, and this road trip was no simple road trip. Indeed, the Sports 5 News team had found itself attending one of Bill Cravy's own training sessions!
"That's right Moe, these trips are an important source of training for me. I can't run up and down doing, I don't know, high knees or something in the aisle of an airplane while my teammates are trying to get rest, especially after a big win like that!" He explained, the pair coming to a halt at the Cravy Boat. Outside, a small gathering of three Minnesota Grey Ducks fans stood holding up footballs and jerseys to be signed. "Anyone who says you need expensive facilities to train, is trying to fool you into buying a gym membership! That's Big Gym talking." He said with a nod, signing a football with a light blue, wet paint, before stamping the signature with the football onto the jerseys of the other two fans. He swung up into the van, pulling the cart and Moe Sertanly close behind him.
"So then, what's next for Bill Cravy?" Moe asked, the cameraman hanging onto the side of the van as the vehicle started up, taking off slowly behind the now moving caravan of previously jammed cars. The camera shook around in the wind briefly as he finally pulled himself in, slamming the door shut behind him.
"Well, there's a great spot up in Des Moines for Dutch style french fries and mayo." Responded the Cornerback.
And thus, we have part two of Cravy Days. Thank you for joining us in our brief interview of the Minnesota Cornerback, as we hopped in on a surprise training session and learned about how Cravy trains in getting faster and faster to match up to the Wide Receivers of the DSFL!
Our camera crew got a brief look into the back of Bill Cravy's van as well, and as part of our deal following him around this season, promised to include a Product Showcase in every single episode except for the ones in which we forget. So without further ado:
Cravy Inc. Product Showcase!
Today's product: Corn
Corn! Buy Cravy's Corn, the freshest of yellow corn home grown in Minneapolis! Farmed from right next to the Mall of America, Cravy's Corn is guaranteed to fill you up just as much as a regular corn cob would, but with the side effects of increased competitiveness and aggression! As Cravy himself says: "I gotta have my corn!"
Join us same time next week for more, from... The Cravy Days Saga! GO DUCKS!
Establishing shot, camera view of a big blue and grey camper van as it drives up a long stretch of the Route 35 connecting Kansas City to Minneapolis. The camera suddenly falls, giving the audience a brief glimpse of the dismayed and now cursing cameraman who dropped it from the Sports 5 News helicopter before the view spins. That looked expensive. The dropped camera, not the helicopter. The helicopter looked like the Sports 5 News team built it themselves. As the camera falls closer and closer to the ground, we see a closer view of the van in between spins. A camper van like the one from Breaking Bad, painted with stripes in the colors of the Minnesota Grey Ducks. On the side in sloppily written letters: The Cravy Boat
"Here we are again Sports Heads, this time Bill Cravy has allowed us a glimpse into the life of a traveling salesman, driving up and down between games rather than taking the flight back." Came the voice of Moe Sertanly, microphone too close to his face. Sitting in the passenger seat of the van, our reporter on the ground sits without a seat belt, beginning his interview with the Star Cornerback of Minnesota by smashing the microphone in between his own face and the driver's.
"So Bill, if I could start the questions for the journey, I of course have to ask. Why take the Cravy Boat, when you could be traveling with your teammates?" Asked Moe.
"Well it's simple Mr. Sertanly, and I understand the concern. But I love my teammates, and fly with them when I can, but the Cravy Boat is twofold." Bill explained, looking to the camera every once in a while before back out the windshield to make sure he wasn't swerving out of the lane. Wouldn't want to cause a driving scandal that could endanger his career, after all. Or hit anyone. That's a concern too, probably. But us at Sports 5 News are less interested in that. "You see, when the drive is short, it's important I continue to sell the products of Cravy, Inc." He explained. "I've got a van full of beef, corn, gravy, lasagna, as well as Definitely Milk, my newest sponsor. Oh, that reminds me-" Bill takes his eyes off the road to stare right into the camera, beginning a practiced ad-read. "Don't buy the bullshit the big cattle industry is selling you! Definitely Milk has vitamins D,E,F, and none of the chemicals most milk companies have!" He said, before turning back to the road just in time to slam the breaks for a traffic jam ahead. The sound of glass breaking can be heard behind the camera.
"And so for games closer to home, you utilize the van as a traveling salesman would?" Moe asked, buckling his seat belt. Noticing Cravy has done the opposite, he quickly follows suit.
"Exactly. These big traffic jams are the perfect opportunity to sell. Care to join me outside while the interview continues?" And indeed, that is what they do. The pair take a quick trip to the back of the van, where Bill Cravy's various products are scooped into a large cart and escorted out of the van, where the pair begin to walk between honking cars.
"So my next question Bill, what is the game you are most looking forward to this season?" Moe asked.
"Well the Coyotes are one of my favorite teams to play, I always enjoy going toe-to-toe with Jake Jefferson after we were teammates in the Prospect Bowl." Cravy answered, in between knocking on the windows of stopped cars as they strolled. Any time one window was rolled down, he offered what seemed to be mostly ingredients to a cottage pie, before it was actually put together in a baked dish. The overpriced corn was not much of a big seller, but on this hot day the milk sold like hotcakes to mostly disappointed customers. "But I also really enjoy playing the Luchadores. They've got a brutal wide receiving core, one of which is a literal Cheetah. No joke, like he goes by Cheetahman and people say he's a guy, but that's straight up a football helmet on a Cheetah. I don't think that's legal. Anyways, that's the best speed practice I can get." He explained
As they walked, movement could be seen up ahead, causing Bill to do a quick about-face, turning back to start running back to the van, that they might get back in and start driving in time with the rest of the motorists. Moe continued the interview, running alongside him. "And do-" He began, heavily breathing. He was certainly out of shape. "Do you want to focus on speed as the season continues?" He asked, leaping onto the cart so that he might grab a ride without needing to keep up himself.
"Of course!" Bill responded enthusiastically, snapping the mirror from a car. He was undeterred. "The Wide Receivers of the DSFL are quick as hell, faster than anyone in College Football. I've increased my coffee intake before games, but beyond that it takes practice. Remember when I mentioned the benefits of the Cravy Boat were twofold?" He asked as they sprinted down Route 35, the camper van on the horizon as the wave of moving cars began to creep closer to them from the other end.
"Ooh, now I see!" Moe Sertanly's face lit up in understanding. The sales of Cravy Inc's products were not just a source of extra income and a creative outlet for Bill, and this road trip was no simple road trip. Indeed, the Sports 5 News team had found itself attending one of Bill Cravy's own training sessions!
"That's right Moe, these trips are an important source of training for me. I can't run up and down doing, I don't know, high knees or something in the aisle of an airplane while my teammates are trying to get rest, especially after a big win like that!" He explained, the pair coming to a halt at the Cravy Boat. Outside, a small gathering of three Minnesota Grey Ducks fans stood holding up footballs and jerseys to be signed. "Anyone who says you need expensive facilities to train, is trying to fool you into buying a gym membership! That's Big Gym talking." He said with a nod, signing a football with a light blue, wet paint, before stamping the signature with the football onto the jerseys of the other two fans. He swung up into the van, pulling the cart and Moe Sertanly close behind him.
"So then, what's next for Bill Cravy?" Moe asked, the cameraman hanging onto the side of the van as the vehicle started up, taking off slowly behind the now moving caravan of previously jammed cars. The camera shook around in the wind briefly as he finally pulled himself in, slamming the door shut behind him.
"Well, there's a great spot up in Des Moines for Dutch style french fries and mayo." Responded the Cornerback.
And thus, we have part two of Cravy Days. Thank you for joining us in our brief interview of the Minnesota Cornerback, as we hopped in on a surprise training session and learned about how Cravy trains in getting faster and faster to match up to the Wide Receivers of the DSFL!
Our camera crew got a brief look into the back of Bill Cravy's van as well, and as part of our deal following him around this season, promised to include a Product Showcase in every single episode except for the ones in which we forget. So without further ado:
Cravy Inc. Product Showcase!
Today's product: Corn
Corn! Buy Cravy's Corn, the freshest of yellow corn home grown in Minneapolis! Farmed from right next to the Mall of America, Cravy's Corn is guaranteed to fill you up just as much as a regular corn cob would, but with the side effects of increased competitiveness and aggression! As Cravy himself says: "I gotta have my corn!"
Join us same time next week for more, from... The Cravy Days Saga! GO DUCKS!