03-21-2024, 11:18 PM
(This post was last modified: 03-23-2024, 09:21 AM by wetwilleh. Edited 2 times in total.)
Good evening, everyone. It’s your second favorite draft analyst, Mel Kiper Jr. Jr., absolutely ecstatic to review this class of DSFL rookies. Just kidding. It was a lousy group of players, like it always is, and I cringed each time I saw their ugly little faces pop up. I mean, seriously, is there no one out there who could replace these guys? I bet my son’s Pop Warner team would cut half of them. Regardless, even though it’s a class I hate, I need to put food on the table, so with yet another draft in the books, let’s review each pick, one by one, and evaluate how the teams did throughout the first two rounds.
R1, P1 (Portland) - Willeh Strong, LB, Clemson University @wetwilleh
My Assessment: Everyone had a strong opinion of this kid, but the only thing I could think of when I met him is that he needs to learn how to slap on some deodorant or take a shower. If I was in a DSFL front office, I’d ask him to fill out a janitorial form, not draft him, but I have to admit that he brings skill to the table and is one of the more proactive players on the scene. People really seem to like him- except me- so I can at least see why you little apes were clapping like a bunch of seals when he got drafted. He’s a big name and a rising star, and I only expect him to go further. He fits really well with Portland too. A+
R1, P2 (Tijuana) - Sam Coverdale, CB, University of Michigan @Civvy
My Assessment: He had a high YAP score, which is definitely responsible for his rising draft stock late into the offseason, but do the rest of you guys think he sounds a bit like Mario if he inhaled a bunch of helium? No? Only me? Okay. We know those Tijuanans need some defense, so they made the right choice. Probably. I guess. A
R1, P3 (Bondi Beach) - Seer Ial, WR, Apoctopia College @omg
My Assessment: The guy makes media, you’ve got to give him that. Wide receiver can sometimes be a tough nut to crack, but teams swear up and down that he’s got potential going through the ceiling, so I guess you’ve got to give it to the professionals. We all have to admit that he runs a bit like a wounded deer, though. It makes me want to cover him up with a little piece of paper when I watch him in action. A
R1, P4 (Kansas City) - Big Tractor, OL, SMU @me
My Assessment: Dumbest fucking name I’ve ever heard. F
R1, P5 (Norfolk) - Mac Mannheim, LB, University of Washington @ACynicalGamer
My Assessment: Throughout the draft process, I had one big question on my mind about this kid: will his hair get in the way of his playing ability? I mean, just think about it, if it’s flopping in his eyes all the time, how’s he supposed to see anything on the field? He’s the second-rated linebacker on the board regardless of these concerns, and Norfolk made a good move to get their guy. I’ll give props to them, but please, get this guy a barber. A+
R1, P6 (Minnesota) - Jet Larson, CB, Ohio State University @DocLars
My Assessment: He talked up a storm from what I’ve heard, really impressing scouts in multiple interviews. He didn’t impress me, though. No one does. You can say he contains the boundaries of the field well, which he does, and he’s a smart guy who’ll do what the team needs, but to me, he needs some polish. Good move anyways. Ish. A
R1, P7 (London) - Zigzag Zipstep, RB, University of Akron @Twenty6
My Assessment: An established name that wasn’t the highest on all boards, but you’ve got to admit that the kid can move. I hate pencil-pushers, and this guy really looks like one, but he’ll be good for a future front office job. I hope he goes ahead and tears his ACL and shatters seven bones so he can give up on his dreams on the field and just get behind a desk already. B+
R1, P8 (Kansas City) - Jag McQueen, RB, Texas Tech University @SPatt59
My Assessment: Another big first round trade here made me actually stop sleeping in front of the TV for once. Kansas City is going big on offense, which I like, and I think I had him just a bit higher on my board. And by ‘my board’ I mean ‘my board of people I will absolutely never interact with’. After tonight, the list just keeps growing. A-
R2, P9 (Portland) - Rocket Ride, S, Florida State University @Ulaire
My Assessment: Rounding out the defense is something that Portland absolutely needed to do. I hate Portland, I hate this team, and I hate to see them get someone who just might actually be able to fill in some of their holes on defense. I want to find the GM of this team and shoot him. A+
R2, P10 (Norfolk) - Robert Sunfish, LB, N/A @yonggarius
My Assessment: I’m the only one who hates this guy, it seems, which really sucks. Everyone’s all nice and friendly and cheery all the time, especially this stupid fish. I can see why this front office would go for a player like this, but I do question the back-to-back linebacker moves here just a bit. Might they be hinting at a position switch? At having a two-man, or, two-player tandem? Time shall tell. Hopefully they just cut them both. B+
R2, P11 (Bondi Beach) - Sodo Mojo, RB, Pay For Play U @Sell Canada
My Assessment: They needed to get a bellcow and they got him. I might’ve looked at doing some trade shenanigans if I were them, really just to make things more fun, not like I actually care if they get better or not, but they stuck firm with it and picked up a new anchor for the backfield. Hopefully he spends that first contract on a name change. And a wardrobe change. Maybe just a new identity overall. A-
R2, P12 (Dallas) - Old Man Walker, WR, Rice University @deadlunatic
My Assessment: If his bones don’t turn to dust his first play on the field, he might just be worth something. Might. I don’t think anyone here is worth anything, but he’s got a good reputation and is probably one of the better receivers off the board. Good value for Dallas, which is something you can’t say about their home prices. A
R2, P13 (Norfolk) - Warren Peace, WR, Sky High @zaynzk
My Assessment: They did trade out of picking up on a blue chip receiver talent, but I think they got a good guy here to fill the gap. Unfortunately, my ex-wife left me for a man named Warren, so I’ll have to deduct some points here. Don’t like it? Make your own draft grade. I can’t wish Mr. Peace well at all, but I can give him a begrudging nod. B
R2, P14 (Minnesota) - Caleb Thegeicocamel, CB, Howard University @Rusfan
My Assessment: Two corners in one draft means they’re going for an absolute lockdown here. I wish I could pronounce, or even spell, his last name so I could watch some more tape on this guy. He had some sleeper potential from what I heard, so it looks like Minnesota is looking to cash in on that, value-be-damned. If this Caleb guy can email me a pronunciation of his last name at thelittlekipesthebestdrafgrader@suddenlink.net then I’ll be happy to bump the grade up. B
R2, P15 (London) - Rex Havoc, DE, Queens University @Muddym13
My Assessment: It’s all in the name, sure, but you watch people like me to look behind the smokescreen and see if something’s there. I think there is. Possibly. London’s dinking and dunking a bit with their needs, but that isn’t bad, especially for a guy like Rex who’s probably the best guy at his spot. I just think his name is fake. His real one is probably something pretty nerdy. Like Breckinridge. Or Melvin. Wait, no, not Melvin, that one’s actually really tough and evocative of masculinity, like me. A-
R2, P16 (Dallas) - Dazen Guile, RB, University of Michigan @Punk42AE
My Assessment: I like American Dream’s name better, so I would’ve picked him here. Sure, Guile’s got the reputation and the earning power, but is Dallas full of Communists or something? Are we about to see them get handed over to the state-run Socialist Albanian Sports Association? Are we? Something’s afoot up in the DFW and I’m going to get to the bottom of it one day. B+
R1, P1 (Portland) - Willeh Strong, LB, Clemson University @wetwilleh
My Assessment: Everyone had a strong opinion of this kid, but the only thing I could think of when I met him is that he needs to learn how to slap on some deodorant or take a shower. If I was in a DSFL front office, I’d ask him to fill out a janitorial form, not draft him, but I have to admit that he brings skill to the table and is one of the more proactive players on the scene. People really seem to like him- except me- so I can at least see why you little apes were clapping like a bunch of seals when he got drafted. He’s a big name and a rising star, and I only expect him to go further. He fits really well with Portland too. A+
R1, P2 (Tijuana) - Sam Coverdale, CB, University of Michigan @Civvy
My Assessment: He had a high YAP score, which is definitely responsible for his rising draft stock late into the offseason, but do the rest of you guys think he sounds a bit like Mario if he inhaled a bunch of helium? No? Only me? Okay. We know those Tijuanans need some defense, so they made the right choice. Probably. I guess. A
R1, P3 (Bondi Beach) - Seer Ial, WR, Apoctopia College @omg
My Assessment: The guy makes media, you’ve got to give him that. Wide receiver can sometimes be a tough nut to crack, but teams swear up and down that he’s got potential going through the ceiling, so I guess you’ve got to give it to the professionals. We all have to admit that he runs a bit like a wounded deer, though. It makes me want to cover him up with a little piece of paper when I watch him in action. A
R1, P4 (Kansas City) - Big Tractor, OL, SMU @me
My Assessment: Dumbest fucking name I’ve ever heard. F
R1, P5 (Norfolk) - Mac Mannheim, LB, University of Washington @ACynicalGamer
My Assessment: Throughout the draft process, I had one big question on my mind about this kid: will his hair get in the way of his playing ability? I mean, just think about it, if it’s flopping in his eyes all the time, how’s he supposed to see anything on the field? He’s the second-rated linebacker on the board regardless of these concerns, and Norfolk made a good move to get their guy. I’ll give props to them, but please, get this guy a barber. A+
R1, P6 (Minnesota) - Jet Larson, CB, Ohio State University @DocLars
My Assessment: He talked up a storm from what I’ve heard, really impressing scouts in multiple interviews. He didn’t impress me, though. No one does. You can say he contains the boundaries of the field well, which he does, and he’s a smart guy who’ll do what the team needs, but to me, he needs some polish. Good move anyways. Ish. A
R1, P7 (London) - Zigzag Zipstep, RB, University of Akron @Twenty6
My Assessment: An established name that wasn’t the highest on all boards, but you’ve got to admit that the kid can move. I hate pencil-pushers, and this guy really looks like one, but he’ll be good for a future front office job. I hope he goes ahead and tears his ACL and shatters seven bones so he can give up on his dreams on the field and just get behind a desk already. B+
R1, P8 (Kansas City) - Jag McQueen, RB, Texas Tech University @SPatt59
My Assessment: Another big first round trade here made me actually stop sleeping in front of the TV for once. Kansas City is going big on offense, which I like, and I think I had him just a bit higher on my board. And by ‘my board’ I mean ‘my board of people I will absolutely never interact with’. After tonight, the list just keeps growing. A-
R2, P9 (Portland) - Rocket Ride, S, Florida State University @Ulaire
My Assessment: Rounding out the defense is something that Portland absolutely needed to do. I hate Portland, I hate this team, and I hate to see them get someone who just might actually be able to fill in some of their holes on defense. I want to find the GM of this team and shoot him. A+
R2, P10 (Norfolk) - Robert Sunfish, LB, N/A @yonggarius
My Assessment: I’m the only one who hates this guy, it seems, which really sucks. Everyone’s all nice and friendly and cheery all the time, especially this stupid fish. I can see why this front office would go for a player like this, but I do question the back-to-back linebacker moves here just a bit. Might they be hinting at a position switch? At having a two-man, or, two-player tandem? Time shall tell. Hopefully they just cut them both. B+
R2, P11 (Bondi Beach) - Sodo Mojo, RB, Pay For Play U @Sell Canada
My Assessment: They needed to get a bellcow and they got him. I might’ve looked at doing some trade shenanigans if I were them, really just to make things more fun, not like I actually care if they get better or not, but they stuck firm with it and picked up a new anchor for the backfield. Hopefully he spends that first contract on a name change. And a wardrobe change. Maybe just a new identity overall. A-
R2, P12 (Dallas) - Old Man Walker, WR, Rice University @deadlunatic
My Assessment: If his bones don’t turn to dust his first play on the field, he might just be worth something. Might. I don’t think anyone here is worth anything, but he’s got a good reputation and is probably one of the better receivers off the board. Good value for Dallas, which is something you can’t say about their home prices. A
R2, P13 (Norfolk) - Warren Peace, WR, Sky High @zaynzk
My Assessment: They did trade out of picking up on a blue chip receiver talent, but I think they got a good guy here to fill the gap. Unfortunately, my ex-wife left me for a man named Warren, so I’ll have to deduct some points here. Don’t like it? Make your own draft grade. I can’t wish Mr. Peace well at all, but I can give him a begrudging nod. B
R2, P14 (Minnesota) - Caleb Thegeicocamel, CB, Howard University @Rusfan
My Assessment: Two corners in one draft means they’re going for an absolute lockdown here. I wish I could pronounce, or even spell, his last name so I could watch some more tape on this guy. He had some sleeper potential from what I heard, so it looks like Minnesota is looking to cash in on that, value-be-damned. If this Caleb guy can email me a pronunciation of his last name at thelittlekipesthebestdrafgrader@suddenlink.net then I’ll be happy to bump the grade up. B
R2, P15 (London) - Rex Havoc, DE, Queens University @Muddym13
My Assessment: It’s all in the name, sure, but you watch people like me to look behind the smokescreen and see if something’s there. I think there is. Possibly. London’s dinking and dunking a bit with their needs, but that isn’t bad, especially for a guy like Rex who’s probably the best guy at his spot. I just think his name is fake. His real one is probably something pretty nerdy. Like Breckinridge. Or Melvin. Wait, no, not Melvin, that one’s actually really tough and evocative of masculinity, like me. A-
R2, P16 (Dallas) - Dazen Guile, RB, University of Michigan @Punk42AE
My Assessment: I like American Dream’s name better, so I would’ve picked him here. Sure, Guile’s got the reputation and the earning power, but is Dallas full of Communists or something? Are we about to see them get handed over to the state-run Socialist Albanian Sports Association? Are we? Something’s afoot up in the DFW and I’m going to get to the bottom of it one day. B+