Here we go!!!!!!!!! The Season 14 draft is in the books and it's time to get funky like Dermot's bathroom. So much happened in a relatively short draft and we are gonna break this shit down. Also...is it time I bring back the purple font alter ego for the newbies? That would be fun. Anyway, I may or may not also toss in a What the Lollipops Just Happened article to give everyone a more analytical take (for those who are new, I usually do one of those two with this one being more fun and that one being more explanatory). In the meantime let's remind everyone that every single pick in every single draft can make or break your team for all eternity. If you get even a single one wrong, you might as well just stop trying in life and eat at Carls Jr. forever. The current version, not them when they were good like 10 years ago. Truly a fate worse than Death. Now let's get this show on the road with the #1 pick.
#1 COOTER BIGSBY QB
The Redneck Rocket comes to the plains of northwest Canada! I don't want to gush too much but the GMs who made this decision are definitely kicking ass at their jobs. A franchise QB of this caliber doesn't come around often and if you hadn't snatched him up, you should light yourself on fire. NO other QB candidate could possibly live up to Bigsby.
#2 CORVO HAVRAN QB
IF anyone ever tells you that this draft class was a 1 QB class...they're an idiot. Havran has one of the most amazing pedigrees that a player could possibly have. I mean, an HO member recreate that managed to be a max earner for 10+ seasons as a fucking kicker. A team that doesn't draft him #1 should be fired 99.9% of the time. I don't want to hear the excuses. Baltimore got the most ridiculous #2 pick of all time in any draft ever in the history of Earth. The Humpback is about to kick the shit out of the league. But this time....with his arm.
#3 GEKYUME STOKELEY LB
As a team in need of a QB, it makes total sense that Arizona picks a linebacker instead. As we all know, the Outlaws and linebackers have an entertaining history. So here's hoping this crabby self important asshole works out. I mean, who knights themselves for fuck's sake?
#4 STAN FRANCISCO TE
Doot in German is dead. So..that's awkward. Now you may say to yourself, why the fuck would a Tight End be picked 4th overall? I respond..did you see the Carlito Crush trade? Oh...I mean..uhh....the whole...new GM thing. I mean that's probably got something to doot with it. Also..Doot in North Ireland is slang for vagina apparently. that's not relevant but I saw it on google and I wasn't gonna just NOT tell everyone. Congrats to Nola for getting a GM who was described as having a lot of experience in PBE. I would have focused on the Ultimus trophies won as a GM/CoGM in this league but that's just me.
#5 MAXWELL BEARD DT
This time it'll be different. A former failed player returns and let's be honest...that's like crack to the Liberty. He's the kind of guy who says "when people tell me I'll regret that in the morning, I sleep til noon. I sleep til noon." Yes, he repeats that last part for some reason. I don't profess to understand these things. Luckily though, this should address Philly's new giant hole at running back, so there's that. Maybe they thought that picking #5 meant they should make a pick that would help them win 5 games next season.
#6 SANDY BAKSHI LB
One of the truly important things a GM can do is recognize when a player who previously didn't pan out comes back and is going to be amazing. It takes guts and cunning to do so. The Wraiths GMs do it again.
#7 JOSEPH HENRY DL
Well, we all know how his brother John worked out. How can this pick possibly go wrong for the brand new management team in Baltimore? It's not like filling out budget page. This is a task they can succeed at regularly.
#8 STEPHEN HARRIS JR K
What kind of idiot takes a kicker in the first round? What's next? A reach on an inactive safety in the 2nd round?
#9 LEIGHTON LEE LB
Holy shit! Not a safety but..still a formerly inactive player. Also..a post draft article that gives a shit about round 2? It's a miracle! Anyway, here's the Outlaws proving that entertaining linebacker thing again by re-drafting the original AZhole. This should go well.
#10 DINGUS HINK DT
They Outlaws pick up the ultimate workout warrior, or at least the NSFL's equivalent. That player who comes out of nowhere and shoots up the boards at the last minute. That never bites anyone in the ass.
#11 DREW MADDOX WR
As long as this doesn't turn out to be a multi this would count as a win for the Outlaws. Because some bars are so low that you can trip and clear them. And yet this team has trouble doing so.
#12 ALFREDO CRISCO K
Of all the draft picks in this year's draft, this was one.
#13 BRETT TACONY WR
On the bright side, he'll be easy to budget for. IA contracts for people that will never get called up are great for the salary cap.
#14 ROSE JENKINS QB
Finally. The Sabercats have the missing piece to win a playoff game.
#15 RICKY ENBLAZE LB
Imagine a season later after the Yeti traded all those valuable draft picks and we're sitting here going...you know what? They didn't even lose out here.
#16 BUCHANAN SIMMONS CB
And the defending champions come in with the "fuck it, let's see what happens" pick. Knowing the Otters what happens will be him finishing top ten in sacks for two seasons and then never being seen again.
And there you have it. If you weren't shown during this analysis because you were picked later, it's okay. It's not like you're reading this anyway. I think the real winner here is the word doot, which has a significantly larger global presence than I thought it did. And..I dunno..the Yeti I guess. They didn't even have to show up. The probably rented out a Buffalo Wild Wings and got plastered while watching this and then threw up on the floor while drunkenly trying to do their best #YetiNoises. You could've put our same great announcers on that event instead and it would have been equally as entertaining as this draft in particular.
#1 COOTER BIGSBY QB
The Redneck Rocket comes to the plains of northwest Canada! I don't want to gush too much but the GMs who made this decision are definitely kicking ass at their jobs. A franchise QB of this caliber doesn't come around often and if you hadn't snatched him up, you should light yourself on fire. NO other QB candidate could possibly live up to Bigsby.
#2 CORVO HAVRAN QB
IF anyone ever tells you that this draft class was a 1 QB class...they're an idiot. Havran has one of the most amazing pedigrees that a player could possibly have. I mean, an HO member recreate that managed to be a max earner for 10+ seasons as a fucking kicker. A team that doesn't draft him #1 should be fired 99.9% of the time. I don't want to hear the excuses. Baltimore got the most ridiculous #2 pick of all time in any draft ever in the history of Earth. The Humpback is about to kick the shit out of the league. But this time....with his arm.
#3 GEKYUME STOKELEY LB
As a team in need of a QB, it makes total sense that Arizona picks a linebacker instead. As we all know, the Outlaws and linebackers have an entertaining history. So here's hoping this crabby self important asshole works out. I mean, who knights themselves for fuck's sake?
#4 STAN FRANCISCO TE
Doot in German is dead. So..that's awkward. Now you may say to yourself, why the fuck would a Tight End be picked 4th overall? I respond..did you see the Carlito Crush trade? Oh...I mean..uhh....the whole...new GM thing. I mean that's probably got something to doot with it. Also..Doot in North Ireland is slang for vagina apparently. that's not relevant but I saw it on google and I wasn't gonna just NOT tell everyone. Congrats to Nola for getting a GM who was described as having a lot of experience in PBE. I would have focused on the Ultimus trophies won as a GM/CoGM in this league but that's just me.
#5 MAXWELL BEARD DT
This time it'll be different. A former failed player returns and let's be honest...that's like crack to the Liberty. He's the kind of guy who says "when people tell me I'll regret that in the morning, I sleep til noon. I sleep til noon." Yes, he repeats that last part for some reason. I don't profess to understand these things. Luckily though, this should address Philly's new giant hole at running back, so there's that. Maybe they thought that picking #5 meant they should make a pick that would help them win 5 games next season.
#6 SANDY BAKSHI LB
One of the truly important things a GM can do is recognize when a player who previously didn't pan out comes back and is going to be amazing. It takes guts and cunning to do so. The Wraiths GMs do it again.
#7 JOSEPH HENRY DL
Well, we all know how his brother John worked out. How can this pick possibly go wrong for the brand new management team in Baltimore? It's not like filling out budget page. This is a task they can succeed at regularly.
#8 STEPHEN HARRIS JR K
What kind of idiot takes a kicker in the first round? What's next? A reach on an inactive safety in the 2nd round?
#9 LEIGHTON LEE LB
Holy shit! Not a safety but..still a formerly inactive player. Also..a post draft article that gives a shit about round 2? It's a miracle! Anyway, here's the Outlaws proving that entertaining linebacker thing again by re-drafting the original AZhole. This should go well.
#10 DINGUS HINK DT
They Outlaws pick up the ultimate workout warrior, or at least the NSFL's equivalent. That player who comes out of nowhere and shoots up the boards at the last minute. That never bites anyone in the ass.
#11 DREW MADDOX WR
As long as this doesn't turn out to be a multi this would count as a win for the Outlaws. Because some bars are so low that you can trip and clear them. And yet this team has trouble doing so.
#12 ALFREDO CRISCO K
Of all the draft picks in this year's draft, this was one.
#13 BRETT TACONY WR
On the bright side, he'll be easy to budget for. IA contracts for people that will never get called up are great for the salary cap.
#14 ROSE JENKINS QB
Finally. The Sabercats have the missing piece to win a playoff game.
#15 RICKY ENBLAZE LB
Imagine a season later after the Yeti traded all those valuable draft picks and we're sitting here going...you know what? They didn't even lose out here.
#16 BUCHANAN SIMMONS CB
And the defending champions come in with the "fuck it, let's see what happens" pick. Knowing the Otters what happens will be him finishing top ten in sacks for two seasons and then never being seen again.
And there you have it. If you weren't shown during this analysis because you were picked later, it's okay. It's not like you're reading this anyway. I think the real winner here is the word doot, which has a significantly larger global presence than I thought it did. And..I dunno..the Yeti I guess. They didn't even have to show up. The probably rented out a Buffalo Wild Wings and got plastered while watching this and then threw up on the floor while drunkenly trying to do their best #YetiNoises. You could've put our same great announcers on that event instead and it would have been equally as entertaining as this draft in particular.