With the stunning and frankly backward news that a professional sports franchise will be packing up and moving from Texas to Minnesota, DSFL media around the globe has been alight today. The only louder voice than those who are supportive of the franchise turning over a new leaf and beginning anew are those who oppose this as a betrayal of Marshals history - all other stories have been drowned out as the partisans duke it out on radio, television, and even in print if you can believe it. The shockwaves only intensified with the follow-up announcement that San Antonio Minnesota would be changing conferences to join the Portland Pythons. Just like that, with two swift blows whatever modicum of rivalry existed between Tijuana and San Antonio was buried for all time.
As a proud double alumnus of the Tijuana Luchadores I am here to announce that whatever ill will the former fans, players, executives, and alumni of the Marshals harbor toward Tijuana for being so much more successful, good looking, smarter, charismatic, and athletic throughout the teams’ histories (which is apparently considerable?): we empathize with you. Losing a team can not be easy.
Further, we know that moving to Minnesota is a LOT to ask and few reasonable people would do so, so we are in the process of setting up refugee camps for former Marshals outside Tijuana for anyone who disagrees with the move and needs a new DSFL team. I am assisting the team in setting up a local office in Austin in order to manage all the logistics involved so for all of you interested, please reach out. You will live a much happier and fulfilled life as a Luchadore fan, do this for your own sake. Spending some time in a winning, successful, and jovial culture will do you good compared to wandering listlessly in the void as you have been for at least 12 seasons.
We plan on offering rehabilitation and resettlement services in order to help you assimilate back into normal, civilized society and will expose you to the Luchadores slowly and methodically so the jarring contrast in grandiosity does not overwhelm you. We recently executed a completely successful rehabilitation of a Marshall and @iamslm22 is happy to tell you all about it:
“I was once a Marshal and it was fun. We had a little success, won some regular season games, and were content with that. I was apprehensive about this process at first but the skilled technicians in Tijuana made it so easy on me. Now I see how misguided I once was. It’s like I’d been living in Plato’s cave and am now experiencing wondrous joy that I literally could not fathom with the Marshalls. I could not recommend this transformation more.”
So there you have it. We know this is a big decision and you might have some concerns so please visit our relocation office in Austin to talk to a member of the transition team. We are here for you.
To our new friends in Minnesota I would like to wish you good luck and much success in beating the extremely stinky Pythons. If we never see them in the playoffs again it will still be too soon. I really hope this new chapter in your franchise’s history goes much better for you than the previous.
As a proud double alumnus of the Tijuana Luchadores I am here to announce that whatever ill will the former fans, players, executives, and alumni of the Marshals harbor toward Tijuana for being so much more successful, good looking, smarter, charismatic, and athletic throughout the teams’ histories (which is apparently considerable?): we empathize with you. Losing a team can not be easy.
Further, we know that moving to Minnesota is a LOT to ask and few reasonable people would do so, so we are in the process of setting up refugee camps for former Marshals outside Tijuana for anyone who disagrees with the move and needs a new DSFL team. I am assisting the team in setting up a local office in Austin in order to manage all the logistics involved so for all of you interested, please reach out. You will live a much happier and fulfilled life as a Luchadore fan, do this for your own sake. Spending some time in a winning, successful, and jovial culture will do you good compared to wandering listlessly in the void as you have been for at least 12 seasons.
We plan on offering rehabilitation and resettlement services in order to help you assimilate back into normal, civilized society and will expose you to the Luchadores slowly and methodically so the jarring contrast in grandiosity does not overwhelm you. We recently executed a completely successful rehabilitation of a Marshall and @iamslm22 is happy to tell you all about it:
“I was once a Marshal and it was fun. We had a little success, won some regular season games, and were content with that. I was apprehensive about this process at first but the skilled technicians in Tijuana made it so easy on me. Now I see how misguided I once was. It’s like I’d been living in Plato’s cave and am now experiencing wondrous joy that I literally could not fathom with the Marshalls. I could not recommend this transformation more.”
So there you have it. We know this is a big decision and you might have some concerns so please visit our relocation office in Austin to talk to a member of the transition team. We are here for you.
To our new friends in Minnesota I would like to wish you good luck and much success in beating the extremely stinky Pythons. If we never see them in the playoffs again it will still be too soon. I really hope this new chapter in your franchise’s history goes much better for you than the previous.