Hello members and viewers and that one internet stalker of the National Simulation Football League simulation grouping. Yes, you may have noticed that this pack of words is spread out as far as possible, in order to give the author, that is myself, Ed Barker, also Wombat, also dummy thicc leg legend extraordinaire the most monies that the graders will in fact give me. But dear readers of the National Simulation Football League simulation grouping, let me soothe your fears. You will only have to deal with this unstoppable, ceaseless blathering for a little while longer. I only need to introduce myself to you.
Background:
If my dear readers remember correctly, at the beginning of the last season Barker regaled all of you about his humble beginnings. A two-sport star often confused with his less athletic, but more successful relative Ed Barker, Barker had legs for days and outran entire teams at a time. His other facets of his play suffered though, and he ended up turning to the DSFL to work at the other parts of his game. He still kept his raw speed, but improved and grew stronger.
DSFL:
When he entered waivers, he ended up being selected by his favorite childhood team, the Tijuana Luchadores! He loved their clubhouse vibe and welcoming locker room. They were in the midst of a league-leading 11-win season, and Barker partnered with fellow running back Podolak to work a league-leading rushing team.
Tijuana:
In his second season with Tijuana though, Barker saw the departure of many talented stars, many of them venturing to the higher-level NSFL. Barker sadly could not leave with many of them, and stuck it through with the Luchadores. The Luchadores have suffered this season, though, going 5 - 9. Barker ended up ranking 10th in total yards rushed, but Tijuana as a team ranked dead last in yards rushed, even to the 2 - 10 Pythons. Barker has definitely seen this season as a disappointment, although the future still looks bright with the Luchadores. Barker has been hard at work this off season, and looks to reach further heights next season. He also trusts the Luchadores FO to keep the team running and to get back into the playoffs. They are, after all, the best team in the league.
So now let’s jump straight to the player himself. He has a ton of talent but also some obvious holes. With no further ado:
Strengths:
Speed
Lots to say about that. A speedy running back, he has “legs for days”, and will run wild on the field. All he needs is an open lane and a good pair of cleats. He was a top RB, but sadly failed to hit the 1000-yard mark and ultimately faded down the stretch.
Legs
Legs for days. Need I say anymore?
Nothing much.
This basically shows how lacking Ed Barker is as a player, and how much improvement he’ll need if you want to draft him. That being said, the upside to this is that he has a lot of space where he can improve and that there’s basically no direction to go but up. I guess optimism is also a strength of Barker’s.
Weaknesses:
Strength
A skinny boi, Barker doesn’t have a traditional thicc build to run past defenders and can get easily overwhelmed by more powerful defenders.
Intelligence
Barker is also a stupid boi, and has a tendency to just hold onto the ball and stand there, losing himself sometimes. He may also run backwards a couple of times, he’s just a little slow.
Hands
Butterfingers, numbnuts, whatever it is, Barker also drops the ball a lot. He also loves to drop the ball in clutch situations, so buyer beware if you want to run him in high-leverage situations.
Agility
Barker put no effort into improving his agility as a rookie since he generally just ran past everyone else. He may have to finally start working on that, but for now he just tends to fall down.
Endurance
Barker has no endurance. His skinny frame was not built for lasting, and he will tire himself out on the first drive of the game. You have to save him for the most important drives of the game, and then watch him drop the ball. That’s just how you manage him, honestly.
Everything else
Honestly I’m running out of things to say but I’ll just put it out there that Barker is just the worst at everything. Only draft him if you want legendary badness.
Actual Player Stuff:
So let's get some of the actual player stuff banged out. A lot of this was covered in scouting but it can't hurt to get free $$$ from it.
Do you have any experience with sim leagues?
I am a max earner in the PBE (baseball sim league) and also Head Updater, Head Office. I also had a brief cameo with the NSFL a long time ago. Altogther, I am fairly experienced with sim leagues and know how they work, how much activity is required, and when to write media like I’m doing right now.
How active will you be?
I plan on being fairly active. I’m never gonna be the top TPE earner thanks to a slow start, but I’ve done all the predictions, PTs, AC, most of the training. As I said above, I’m very committed to another league so I’ll never be HO here or anything, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be a very solid player with a solid career.
What goals do you have for Barker in your career?
Dem rings. That’s basically the only thing I want and I will definitely sell out to get there. It’s not that I don’t have any interest playing on a rebuilding team, I’d be fine with that, but if I get the chance to play on a championship team I will take it. There are great players who have never won a ring and mediocre players who have somehow gotten multiple rings. I’ll always strive to be the second.
What will you bring to a team?
Hopefully a solid locker room presence and a solid player at whatever position you want me at. I’m fairly active on Discord and will be there to meme, help out rookies, or to ask questions like a rookie.
Why are wombats the best?
This will go on for a while. First of all, wombats are just so damn cute. Like nobody can hate those furry little babies. It’s like hating cute bunnies or puppies. It’s physically impossible. So lets get started on why they are the best. If you’ve ever seen a video of them, they walk with a little waddle, like a duck, but cuter. They can look fat and slow, but they can actually run very fast, up to 25 miles per hour if I remember correctly. I’d like to direct you to THIS VIDEO of a wombat running. They can also jump over a meter high. They are also great at digging as they live in burrows and have adapted to that. Because of their digging prowess, they have backwards pouches. Remember kangaroos? Well wombats’ pouches face the other way so that those cute little baby wombats won’t get dirt all over them when they dig. Wombats are very protective though, and can be dangerous when provoked. Humans have sustained puncture wounds, bites, and scratches from wombat attacks and have also sustained injuries from being bowled over by wombats. Wombats also happen to have cube-shaped poop. That’s right, cubed. Like a rubik's cube. This is likely an evolutionary design as they evolved to have square poop so that it doesn’t roll off hills. This is because they mark their territory with poop, and you don’t want that to keep rolling all over. They can do this because of specialized bones in their backside. Finally, there also used to be giant wombats that roamed Australia, ones that were as large as rhinoceros. I can keep talking, though. Wombats also appeared in cave paintings as long as 4000 years ago. Not hugely fascinating but still pretty cool. A wombat’s posterior, or butt, is also their main line of defense, as to escape predators they will dive into their burrow, stick their posterior out, and because it is so hardened and doesn’t have a tail, it becomes impossible for the predator to bite or scratch them. They will also use their backs to crush the skulls of unwanted intruders against the roofs of their burrows. A group of wombats is also known as a wisdom, I don’t know why but the names does seem rather fitting. The unofficial 2000 Olympic mascot was a wombat if you remember this, as it was a parody mascot created in protest of the commercialization of the Olympic games but just became so beloved that it took over the mascot game. October 22nd is World Wombat Day, a day to appreciate wombats fully. It is a very important date. Finally, as you have probably heard from the Sydney wildfires, they are natural caretakers and have saved tons of animal lives in the fires, herding wildlife into their extensive burrows to wait out the fires. Being notoriously solitary, this just shows how dedicated they are to other animals and what wonderful creatures they are. By the way, this is the kind of extensive media coverage on wombats you can expect from which ever team drafts me. That alone should give me the first overall pick, I’d say.
Is there a team you want to be on?
A fair amount of teams have asked me about this, and I’ll say that I have no preference what so ever. I have no existing biases or predispositions against any of the teams and I’d be fine playing for any team. I will say that I would like to stay with Tijuana, though, and that would be my only condition right now. If I’m completely honest I have no impression of any of the teams at all, so I have no idea what to expect from any of the teams currently.
Would you be willing to position switch?
Sure. If it would help the team win more games, then I’ll always be down for that. I know some teams already have a surplus of RB, so I’d be down to switch positions if it gave my team a greater chance of winning. It might mean that we’d have to go through with leg surgery or pump my body full of steroids, but trust me it’ll be worth it.
Are you going to earn money with a job or media or graphics?
Mom, I got a job, okay. I’ll get out of your basement. Well I’m writing this media so if that answers your question it’ll be okay. I’m not a huge graphics guy, I guess you might see a couple out of me in the future. I also now have a job as a backup updater in the NSFL too, so that should pay for some Weekly Training in the future.
So in short or in conclusion or whatever term you prefer to end your articles or media pieces or cloisters of words, you should not draft Barker if you want a good team. He is there to tag along when the teams are good. He is not there to help. He is there to win. He will bring the memes. He will bring the wombats. He will not bring the TPE. He will not bring the brain. As a player, he sucks ass. As a person, he sucks. But he is just good enough to end up on a team and because of that he wants to grab as many rings as possible. He will play any position you want him to, but only because he wants to win at any position. He will not be a good player. He will be a medium player. A sucky player but someone who sucks just enough to retain a spot. With the draft coming up, keep this in mind, GMs.
Now it’s time to get to the juicy part of the article. That is, the useless part. The part that nobody reads for except for the memes. This will be pretty nice, except for the fact that it is utter trash. Look how many words I’ve used just to describe something that is trash. In fact, it is not just trash, it is utter waste. It is a pile of steaming crap that has burned and crashed and rotted and then has been turned into words. Let’s go!
So lets start with some food. In fact, what food Barker will bring to the team cookouts if he is drafted by them. Lets start with the
Hawks - well this is pretty obvious. Sticking with the bird theme, Barker would bring some nice roast chicken. The key to a good roast chicken is to make sure that it’s not dry, and to do that Barker makes sure to brine the chicken beforehand. This soaks the chicken and keeps it moist. He also gets some good poultry seasoning and roasts it nice and slow so that it’s perfect when he brings it to the Hawks’ cookout.
Butchers - Well this one also seems pretty obvious. He’ll bring some nice steak cuts to the Butchers’ cookout. They must be experts on which cuts are the juiciest and the most delicious, and they should also know how to season and cook them. He’ll leave the cooking to them, and do the eating himself. The sad ting is that the Butchers like to cut their meat probably which means by the time he wants to eat it all the meat will be in like tiny chunks because the Butchers love to use their knives. Also because the Butchers have some rookies I bet somebody gets their fingers chopped off or gets stabbed.
Yetis - Finally, a real challenge. Well, where to Yetis live you think. They live in snowy mountains. You know what also lies on snowy mountains - snow. And you what snow is made of? Water. You know what is also made of water - ice. That’s why Barker will bring a giant cooler of snow cones, ice cream, popsicles, shaved ice, you name it. The Yetis will have a giant treasure trove of ice-related treats to choose from for their icy cookout.
Liberty - Well this is gonna be a hard one. When you think Liberty you don’t really think food. But Barker will bring two things. First of all, when people are freed, and are given liberty, they need a drink to celebrate. Because of that Barker will bring a cooler full of beers to celebrate. Secondly, the Liberty are based in Philadelphia, so Barker will bring a pack of Philly cheese steaks. The thing is, someone else is also bound to bring some Philly dogs, so they will have to compare the hot dogs and then drink some beer. A solid cookout in my opinion.
Wraiths - Honestly the Wraiths seem kinda sketch. Like a cult or something. Nothing against the team of course, but just that their team name is weird. I don’t know where Yellowknife is, but if they’re the wraiths, I think they eat human souls. Or blood. Either way, I’ll just bring a bunch of dead bodies from the nearby hospital and throw em in the pit for the Wraiths. What a bunch of weirdos. But if I’m on the team I guess I’ll have to join in. Some more brain juice for me.
Outlaws - Well if this team is made of criminals and outlaws I think we know how Barker will have to get his food. He’ll just rob the nearby convenience store and grab what he can. That means probably a bunch of chips and soda, but beggars can’t be choosers. Especially when we’re outlaws. The bad thing is that halfway through the cookout the police are gonna show up because they’re gonna want the soda and chips back, except we’ve eaten them all already so we’re gonna have to scram and get out of there because if we’re caught then we’re no longer Outlaws.
Copperheads - Copperheads are snakes right? So snakes eat rodents and other small creatures. That means I’ll probably stop by the pet store on my way to the cookout. I’ll bring a wonderful collection of rabbits, guinea pigs, rats, mice, and squirrels. It doesn’t seem like many of them will make it out but you know its just nature and lets be honest if snakes are eating rodents i dont think that many people will care. Also lets be honest most people are freaked out by rodents and snakes so they dont care whos eating who.
Second Line - I had no idea what the hell a Second Line is and I’m still not sure. It looks like it’s some kind of marching band thing or parade thingamabob from New Orleans, and I’ve never been to New Orleans so yeah that makes sense. I guess I’d bring a lot of drinks since they’re marching around a lot and some burgers and hot dogs since that seems like celebratory food. Honestly this is just a crapshoot since for all I know Second Line is actually a type of bird and I should’ve just brought turkey.
Otters - Well this gets a little easier. Otters eat fish right. So that means that I’ll just bring some salmon. My first thought was sushi but I can’t make sushi for one and that’s much more of a fancy restaurant food. Bringing some salmon steaks for the otters seems right. Maybe after a good win we’ll bring out the Otters to a nice Sushi restaurant. But for now a salmon steak sounds good. Now I’m getting really hungry.
SaberCats - So they’re an extinct species of feline who probably ate a bunch of thick meat and tough animals and whatever. So, for the Sabercats I guess I’ll just bring a traditional football meal. That is, a nice steak with some beer and some wings and chips to go along with it. And for some of the more healthy players, he’ll bring a vegetable platter even though I’m pretty sure cats don’t eat their vegetables. Yet just another thing wombats have on them.
Now we’re gonna go through with the ranking of my teammates’ names on Tijuana. I think you can tell that we’re running out of things to write. This list is purely opinionated with no statistical measure whatsoever and is purely made of the insanity that is dominated by that chunk of brain matter and goop and soft whatever tissue that is part of my mind. Honestly I don't know what goes on in my head and I don't think anyone does. Some of these names are very basic so they might be good names but they arent really funny or anything which is why they dont get ranked high. Also I have very confusing and messed up explanations for everything because i get more money or dough or moolah or bills or dollars from that which is what im writing this for anyway amirite. Is there anybody afdslkjflksdjfklsdj. There we go words.
So lets get started with this and then we start and do it some and then finish but then review it and change things yeah.
Xekutioner is a damn straight great name. I think it’s pronounced like Executioner but it just sounds great and is a great name for a QB. You can see the headline: Xekutioner executes the Grey Ducks. Xekutioner leads the Luchadores to an Ultimini title.
Tushfinger is a GOAT name as well and will definitely lead to some laughs on stream. You could say “Tushfinger had his head up his ass on that play”, and I say will certainly be the ‘butt’ of many jokes. Jokes aside the player is pretty solid too.
Matt Meagher has a nice solid football name too, one that just sounds very aesthetic and is a nice easy name to pronounce, one that sounds like a championship name. "Ultimini MVP Matt Meagher!" has a nice ring to it.
Inspectah Deck has to be my second favorite name behind Xekutioner too. It’s just a great name for a lineman and I get chills thinking of calls like “Inspectah Deck slams down McDavid” or something like that.
Ugarth the Dissector is just a great name for a partner of Deck too. Those are both, uh, very, uh, creative names, but they both work well together with their skill levels. After all, they also ranked first in sacks.
Ben Kenobi is a really nice reference to a certain movie too, what’s that movie again? Oh yeah, the one that’s better than Star Trek. Plz don’t kill me. I’m just not a trekkie. Either way I’m sure Kenobi will be a great player in the future.
Dougie Smalls is our kicker/punter, and that’s an underrated name for sure. Dougie is a pretty tight name and Smalls might not be a very good one but there’s also a Richard Small in the PBE (a Crab CF) who I guess he might be distantly related to.
Finally we’ve got the WR Grand Salami who just has a great name. Grand Salami is a reference to a betting total traditionally used in baseball and hockey I think, but it’s also been used in reference to baseball grand slams and who knows what else. It’s a creative and original name and I applaud it.
Well since I’m getting tired and I have a post-draft to write, Barker out.
Background:
If my dear readers remember correctly, at the beginning of the last season Barker regaled all of you about his humble beginnings. A two-sport star often confused with his less athletic, but more successful relative Ed Barker, Barker had legs for days and outran entire teams at a time. His other facets of his play suffered though, and he ended up turning to the DSFL to work at the other parts of his game. He still kept his raw speed, but improved and grew stronger.
DSFL:
When he entered waivers, he ended up being selected by his favorite childhood team, the Tijuana Luchadores! He loved their clubhouse vibe and welcoming locker room. They were in the midst of a league-leading 11-win season, and Barker partnered with fellow running back Podolak to work a league-leading rushing team.
Tijuana:
In his second season with Tijuana though, Barker saw the departure of many talented stars, many of them venturing to the higher-level NSFL. Barker sadly could not leave with many of them, and stuck it through with the Luchadores. The Luchadores have suffered this season, though, going 5 - 9. Barker ended up ranking 10th in total yards rushed, but Tijuana as a team ranked dead last in yards rushed, even to the 2 - 10 Pythons. Barker has definitely seen this season as a disappointment, although the future still looks bright with the Luchadores. Barker has been hard at work this off season, and looks to reach further heights next season. He also trusts the Luchadores FO to keep the team running and to get back into the playoffs. They are, after all, the best team in the league.
So now let’s jump straight to the player himself. He has a ton of talent but also some obvious holes. With no further ado:
Strengths:
Speed
Lots to say about that. A speedy running back, he has “legs for days”, and will run wild on the field. All he needs is an open lane and a good pair of cleats. He was a top RB, but sadly failed to hit the 1000-yard mark and ultimately faded down the stretch.
Legs
Legs for days. Need I say anymore?
Nothing much.
This basically shows how lacking Ed Barker is as a player, and how much improvement he’ll need if you want to draft him. That being said, the upside to this is that he has a lot of space where he can improve and that there’s basically no direction to go but up. I guess optimism is also a strength of Barker’s.
Weaknesses:
Strength
A skinny boi, Barker doesn’t have a traditional thicc build to run past defenders and can get easily overwhelmed by more powerful defenders.
Intelligence
Barker is also a stupid boi, and has a tendency to just hold onto the ball and stand there, losing himself sometimes. He may also run backwards a couple of times, he’s just a little slow.
Hands
Butterfingers, numbnuts, whatever it is, Barker also drops the ball a lot. He also loves to drop the ball in clutch situations, so buyer beware if you want to run him in high-leverage situations.
Agility
Barker put no effort into improving his agility as a rookie since he generally just ran past everyone else. He may have to finally start working on that, but for now he just tends to fall down.
Endurance
Barker has no endurance. His skinny frame was not built for lasting, and he will tire himself out on the first drive of the game. You have to save him for the most important drives of the game, and then watch him drop the ball. That’s just how you manage him, honestly.
Everything else
Honestly I’m running out of things to say but I’ll just put it out there that Barker is just the worst at everything. Only draft him if you want legendary badness.
Actual Player Stuff:
So let's get some of the actual player stuff banged out. A lot of this was covered in scouting but it can't hurt to get free $$$ from it.
Do you have any experience with sim leagues?
I am a max earner in the PBE (baseball sim league) and also Head Updater, Head Office. I also had a brief cameo with the NSFL a long time ago. Altogther, I am fairly experienced with sim leagues and know how they work, how much activity is required, and when to write media like I’m doing right now.
How active will you be?
I plan on being fairly active. I’m never gonna be the top TPE earner thanks to a slow start, but I’ve done all the predictions, PTs, AC, most of the training. As I said above, I’m very committed to another league so I’ll never be HO here or anything, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be a very solid player with a solid career.
What goals do you have for Barker in your career?
Dem rings. That’s basically the only thing I want and I will definitely sell out to get there. It’s not that I don’t have any interest playing on a rebuilding team, I’d be fine with that, but if I get the chance to play on a championship team I will take it. There are great players who have never won a ring and mediocre players who have somehow gotten multiple rings. I’ll always strive to be the second.
What will you bring to a team?
Hopefully a solid locker room presence and a solid player at whatever position you want me at. I’m fairly active on Discord and will be there to meme, help out rookies, or to ask questions like a rookie.
Why are wombats the best?
This will go on for a while. First of all, wombats are just so damn cute. Like nobody can hate those furry little babies. It’s like hating cute bunnies or puppies. It’s physically impossible. So lets get started on why they are the best. If you’ve ever seen a video of them, they walk with a little waddle, like a duck, but cuter. They can look fat and slow, but they can actually run very fast, up to 25 miles per hour if I remember correctly. I’d like to direct you to THIS VIDEO of a wombat running. They can also jump over a meter high. They are also great at digging as they live in burrows and have adapted to that. Because of their digging prowess, they have backwards pouches. Remember kangaroos? Well wombats’ pouches face the other way so that those cute little baby wombats won’t get dirt all over them when they dig. Wombats are very protective though, and can be dangerous when provoked. Humans have sustained puncture wounds, bites, and scratches from wombat attacks and have also sustained injuries from being bowled over by wombats. Wombats also happen to have cube-shaped poop. That’s right, cubed. Like a rubik's cube. This is likely an evolutionary design as they evolved to have square poop so that it doesn’t roll off hills. This is because they mark their territory with poop, and you don’t want that to keep rolling all over. They can do this because of specialized bones in their backside. Finally, there also used to be giant wombats that roamed Australia, ones that were as large as rhinoceros. I can keep talking, though. Wombats also appeared in cave paintings as long as 4000 years ago. Not hugely fascinating but still pretty cool. A wombat’s posterior, or butt, is also their main line of defense, as to escape predators they will dive into their burrow, stick their posterior out, and because it is so hardened and doesn’t have a tail, it becomes impossible for the predator to bite or scratch them. They will also use their backs to crush the skulls of unwanted intruders against the roofs of their burrows. A group of wombats is also known as a wisdom, I don’t know why but the names does seem rather fitting. The unofficial 2000 Olympic mascot was a wombat if you remember this, as it was a parody mascot created in protest of the commercialization of the Olympic games but just became so beloved that it took over the mascot game. October 22nd is World Wombat Day, a day to appreciate wombats fully. It is a very important date. Finally, as you have probably heard from the Sydney wildfires, they are natural caretakers and have saved tons of animal lives in the fires, herding wildlife into their extensive burrows to wait out the fires. Being notoriously solitary, this just shows how dedicated they are to other animals and what wonderful creatures they are. By the way, this is the kind of extensive media coverage on wombats you can expect from which ever team drafts me. That alone should give me the first overall pick, I’d say.
Is there a team you want to be on?
A fair amount of teams have asked me about this, and I’ll say that I have no preference what so ever. I have no existing biases or predispositions against any of the teams and I’d be fine playing for any team. I will say that I would like to stay with Tijuana, though, and that would be my only condition right now. If I’m completely honest I have no impression of any of the teams at all, so I have no idea what to expect from any of the teams currently.
Would you be willing to position switch?
Sure. If it would help the team win more games, then I’ll always be down for that. I know some teams already have a surplus of RB, so I’d be down to switch positions if it gave my team a greater chance of winning. It might mean that we’d have to go through with leg surgery or pump my body full of steroids, but trust me it’ll be worth it.
Are you going to earn money with a job or media or graphics?
Mom, I got a job, okay. I’ll get out of your basement. Well I’m writing this media so if that answers your question it’ll be okay. I’m not a huge graphics guy, I guess you might see a couple out of me in the future. I also now have a job as a backup updater in the NSFL too, so that should pay for some Weekly Training in the future.
So in short or in conclusion or whatever term you prefer to end your articles or media pieces or cloisters of words, you should not draft Barker if you want a good team. He is there to tag along when the teams are good. He is not there to help. He is there to win. He will bring the memes. He will bring the wombats. He will not bring the TPE. He will not bring the brain. As a player, he sucks ass. As a person, he sucks. But he is just good enough to end up on a team and because of that he wants to grab as many rings as possible. He will play any position you want him to, but only because he wants to win at any position. He will not be a good player. He will be a medium player. A sucky player but someone who sucks just enough to retain a spot. With the draft coming up, keep this in mind, GMs.
Now it’s time to get to the juicy part of the article. That is, the useless part. The part that nobody reads for except for the memes. This will be pretty nice, except for the fact that it is utter trash. Look how many words I’ve used just to describe something that is trash. In fact, it is not just trash, it is utter waste. It is a pile of steaming crap that has burned and crashed and rotted and then has been turned into words. Let’s go!
So lets start with some food. In fact, what food Barker will bring to the team cookouts if he is drafted by them. Lets start with the
Hawks - well this is pretty obvious. Sticking with the bird theme, Barker would bring some nice roast chicken. The key to a good roast chicken is to make sure that it’s not dry, and to do that Barker makes sure to brine the chicken beforehand. This soaks the chicken and keeps it moist. He also gets some good poultry seasoning and roasts it nice and slow so that it’s perfect when he brings it to the Hawks’ cookout.
Butchers - Well this one also seems pretty obvious. He’ll bring some nice steak cuts to the Butchers’ cookout. They must be experts on which cuts are the juiciest and the most delicious, and they should also know how to season and cook them. He’ll leave the cooking to them, and do the eating himself. The sad ting is that the Butchers like to cut their meat probably which means by the time he wants to eat it all the meat will be in like tiny chunks because the Butchers love to use their knives. Also because the Butchers have some rookies I bet somebody gets their fingers chopped off or gets stabbed.
Yetis - Finally, a real challenge. Well, where to Yetis live you think. They live in snowy mountains. You know what also lies on snowy mountains - snow. And you what snow is made of? Water. You know what is also made of water - ice. That’s why Barker will bring a giant cooler of snow cones, ice cream, popsicles, shaved ice, you name it. The Yetis will have a giant treasure trove of ice-related treats to choose from for their icy cookout.
Liberty - Well this is gonna be a hard one. When you think Liberty you don’t really think food. But Barker will bring two things. First of all, when people are freed, and are given liberty, they need a drink to celebrate. Because of that Barker will bring a cooler full of beers to celebrate. Secondly, the Liberty are based in Philadelphia, so Barker will bring a pack of Philly cheese steaks. The thing is, someone else is also bound to bring some Philly dogs, so they will have to compare the hot dogs and then drink some beer. A solid cookout in my opinion.
Wraiths - Honestly the Wraiths seem kinda sketch. Like a cult or something. Nothing against the team of course, but just that their team name is weird. I don’t know where Yellowknife is, but if they’re the wraiths, I think they eat human souls. Or blood. Either way, I’ll just bring a bunch of dead bodies from the nearby hospital and throw em in the pit for the Wraiths. What a bunch of weirdos. But if I’m on the team I guess I’ll have to join in. Some more brain juice for me.
Outlaws - Well if this team is made of criminals and outlaws I think we know how Barker will have to get his food. He’ll just rob the nearby convenience store and grab what he can. That means probably a bunch of chips and soda, but beggars can’t be choosers. Especially when we’re outlaws. The bad thing is that halfway through the cookout the police are gonna show up because they’re gonna want the soda and chips back, except we’ve eaten them all already so we’re gonna have to scram and get out of there because if we’re caught then we’re no longer Outlaws.
Copperheads - Copperheads are snakes right? So snakes eat rodents and other small creatures. That means I’ll probably stop by the pet store on my way to the cookout. I’ll bring a wonderful collection of rabbits, guinea pigs, rats, mice, and squirrels. It doesn’t seem like many of them will make it out but you know its just nature and lets be honest if snakes are eating rodents i dont think that many people will care. Also lets be honest most people are freaked out by rodents and snakes so they dont care whos eating who.
Second Line - I had no idea what the hell a Second Line is and I’m still not sure. It looks like it’s some kind of marching band thing or parade thingamabob from New Orleans, and I’ve never been to New Orleans so yeah that makes sense. I guess I’d bring a lot of drinks since they’re marching around a lot and some burgers and hot dogs since that seems like celebratory food. Honestly this is just a crapshoot since for all I know Second Line is actually a type of bird and I should’ve just brought turkey.
Otters - Well this gets a little easier. Otters eat fish right. So that means that I’ll just bring some salmon. My first thought was sushi but I can’t make sushi for one and that’s much more of a fancy restaurant food. Bringing some salmon steaks for the otters seems right. Maybe after a good win we’ll bring out the Otters to a nice Sushi restaurant. But for now a salmon steak sounds good. Now I’m getting really hungry.
SaberCats - So they’re an extinct species of feline who probably ate a bunch of thick meat and tough animals and whatever. So, for the Sabercats I guess I’ll just bring a traditional football meal. That is, a nice steak with some beer and some wings and chips to go along with it. And for some of the more healthy players, he’ll bring a vegetable platter even though I’m pretty sure cats don’t eat their vegetables. Yet just another thing wombats have on them.
Now we’re gonna go through with the ranking of my teammates’ names on Tijuana. I think you can tell that we’re running out of things to write. This list is purely opinionated with no statistical measure whatsoever and is purely made of the insanity that is dominated by that chunk of brain matter and goop and soft whatever tissue that is part of my mind. Honestly I don't know what goes on in my head and I don't think anyone does. Some of these names are very basic so they might be good names but they arent really funny or anything which is why they dont get ranked high. Also I have very confusing and messed up explanations for everything because i get more money or dough or moolah or bills or dollars from that which is what im writing this for anyway amirite. Is there anybody afdslkjflksdjfklsdj. There we go words.
So lets get started with this and then we start and do it some and then finish but then review it and change things yeah.
Xekutioner is a damn straight great name. I think it’s pronounced like Executioner but it just sounds great and is a great name for a QB. You can see the headline: Xekutioner executes the Grey Ducks. Xekutioner leads the Luchadores to an Ultimini title.
Tushfinger is a GOAT name as well and will definitely lead to some laughs on stream. You could say “Tushfinger had his head up his ass on that play”, and I say will certainly be the ‘butt’ of many jokes. Jokes aside the player is pretty solid too.
Matt Meagher has a nice solid football name too, one that just sounds very aesthetic and is a nice easy name to pronounce, one that sounds like a championship name. "Ultimini MVP Matt Meagher!" has a nice ring to it.
Inspectah Deck has to be my second favorite name behind Xekutioner too. It’s just a great name for a lineman and I get chills thinking of calls like “Inspectah Deck slams down McDavid” or something like that.
Ugarth the Dissector is just a great name for a partner of Deck too. Those are both, uh, very, uh, creative names, but they both work well together with their skill levels. After all, they also ranked first in sacks.
Ben Kenobi is a really nice reference to a certain movie too, what’s that movie again? Oh yeah, the one that’s better than Star Trek. Plz don’t kill me. I’m just not a trekkie. Either way I’m sure Kenobi will be a great player in the future.
Dougie Smalls is our kicker/punter, and that’s an underrated name for sure. Dougie is a pretty tight name and Smalls might not be a very good one but there’s also a Richard Small in the PBE (a Crab CF) who I guess he might be distantly related to.
Finally we’ve got the WR Grand Salami who just has a great name. Grand Salami is a reference to a betting total traditionally used in baseball and hockey I think, but it’s also been used in reference to baseball grand slams and who knows what else. It’s a creative and original name and I applaud it.
Well since I’m getting tired and I have a post-draft to write, Barker out.
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