02-27-2020, 03:30 AM
(This post was last modified: 03-01-2020, 10:32 PM by JKortesi81.)
EDIT: It seems I missed a whole lot of players. So instead, consider this a comedy piece moreseo than an analysis piece
What’s going on everyone. DSFL draft day is coming up real quick, and no doubt our DSFL GM’s are working around the clock to find which players are their best bets to build a winning formula. Some of us have done our part to help the GM’s by building mock drafts, while others have gone on discord and talked enough shit to last a lifetime (looking at you Phat Boi; sick podcast tho). What I am going to do today for our wonderful GM’s, is build a list of players who are active and worth drafting in rounds that aren’t just round 1 and 2. This will probably end up being just a list of prospects I like, because I’m biased and I like writing about things I enjoy. In addition, If I end up talking shit about you, don’t take it personally and remember, any exposure is good exposure.
1. Phat Boi - DT: When Ronald McDonald finally gets charged for touching too many children, Phat Boi will be there to take up the reigns as their new mascot. As one of the oldest active prospects I could find, with access to point tasks such as trivia, Phat Boi has amassed enough TPE to become both strong boi and fast boi. With a banger of a podcast, Phat Boi is destined for the first round. Hopefully whichever GM drafts him can afford to keep him away from lucrative deals with McDonalds, and keep him focused on the field.
2. Daniel George- TE: Danny George has been flying under quite a few mock drafts radars. With the chiseled chin of a greek god, George has built his way up to 102 TPE. Reading his wiki made me shed a single tear as I realized the world was robbed of the sexiest figure skater to ever grace the ice. Instead, we get a top tier TE prospect. The kind that can flatten linebackers and go out and catch a few redzone TD’s. If George Kittle and Travis Kelce ever found a way to have a child, Daniel George would be it.
3. Tommy Sacamano - OL: Tommy Sacasomething is the first OL prospect to grace this list. At 73 strength and 80 pass blocking, he is a solid young Oline prospect that teams like our expansion friends should be looking at. Unfortunately Tommy is a little self conscious and has yet to put a photo or a wiki of himself up yet. Tommy I want you to know that if you’re reading this, I’m sure you’re a sexy human being. Don’t be afraid to spread your wings and fly.
4. Clayton Jones - DT: Clayton Jones, or as I like to call him, “Do as little as possible to get TPE” Jones, is the second DT on this list. For some reason this DT thought it was smart to grab some speed, while he’s chilling with a strength of 65. Hopefully Clayton decides to go to the gym and put more than a single plate on his bar. Clayton is still active as we speak however, so there is hope for him yet.
5. Derred de Ville - LB: Now my minimal knowledge of Chinese tells me that this name translates into “Fast Boi Who Lifts,” and boy oh boy does this guy lift. With 80 speed and 70 strength, the sheer momentum this fella can generate is enough to put a small child on their back. Of course you may be wondering how that is an accomplishment. Well, let’s just say this child weighs somewhere in the neighbourhood of 400 pounds, and yes, this is what is wrong with America.
6. Calvin Golladay -OL: Another OL prospect, and so far the better of the two. According to his wiki, he’s only given up 3 sacks in 4 years of college, so he's basically jesus. Calvin has taken the opposite approach to Tommy Sacamano, opting for 80 strength and 70 passblock. With that much strength I might just take him to win in an arm wrestle against Phat Boi, but I digress. Calvin possesses not only the physical attributes, but the intelligence to play in a tackle position. Just don’t make this guy run anywhere. Screen? No go. This boy is slower than shakespearean foreplay; by the time you get to the good part, the play’s moved on. It should also be noted that Calvin has gained an extra 15 pounds, going from 325-340. Now I’m no doctor, but at some point you gotta wonder how he gained that much weight so quickly. Something something Law of diminishing returns?
7. Colby Jack - QB: First QB of the list. Colby is a twin to his brother Monty, but if you ask me Colby is definitely the cuter of the two of them. With enough TPE to feed a small village, Colby seems destined for the first round. Running 4.34, he’s got silly amounts of speed, so long as he doesn’t bust up his ankle while hes roleplaying Sonic the Hedgehog.
8. Andrew Witten -CB: Andrew, get more TPE. Make a wiki or something. Sell your panties for cash I don’t know just do something! You got the most football name I’ve ever seen, you’re destined for greatness.
9. Quinn Hughes - S: That’s right I made my own list. I won’t say much here except I can spank ya’ll in Madden. My PS4 IGN is Isidore94 hit me up
10. Tatsu Nakamura - RB: Ok we got our first runnie boi. Tatsu is the kind of guy to save up all his money so he can go to the NASDAQ and buy as many Tesla stocks as he can afford. With 84 speed, he’s the fastest boi on this list so far. He also shares a name with a japanese wrestler and one of the best fast boi chess players.
11. Magnus Rikiya - DT: Magnus means great and rikiya means huge, so together this man’s name means “Great Huge.” There are a few words I could put after these two adjectives, such as the size of the universe, the size of this draft class, the size of my di...anyways. Great Huge is active and has been working on both his strength and his speed. Hopefully after he is drafted he will be able to take that next step
12. Mark Radson - LB: Mark over here has 665 tackling, according to his updater. What must that feel like? Do your organs literally just give up and die when you get hit by this guy? Could this guy 1v1 The Hulk? These are questions I need answers too. What I know for sure is this man needs to be audited for performance enhancing drugs.
13. Bruce Buckley - OL: Ok seriously what is with you people and OL’s? Is this some sort of cult? How is this the most popular position so far? Regardless, Bruce over here went from getting a Bachelors of Arts to being scouted to being too good for the DSFL in like 2 sentences, according to his wiki. This story has more plot holes than the last 2 season’s of Game of Thrones. He’ll probably go first overall
14. Troen Egghands - DE: Before I say anything I need to ask, Troen were your parents having a stroke or something when they named you? Anyways, first DE of the list. Average speed, average strength, but above average intelligence. He’s got a degree in economics too, so if all else fails he can trade weed stocks.
15. Valor Gilmore - CB: Not much to say. Average CB. Was active a few days ago. Dope name though.
16. Jimmy Cooks - S: The first other safety I’ve run into. So this is what my competition looks like. Jimmy all I gotta say is you may want to reread how point task’s work. <3
17. Ricky Boomhauer - CB: Another person who doesn’t know how update pages work, nor how TPE upgrades work. Am I an asshole for calling them out? It depends. I’m merely highlighting them so our lovely rookie mentors can help them out. Ricky! Get Help!
18. White Goodman - RB: Oh damn its Gucci. Uh White Goodman is the greatest player to ever grace the DSFL draft.
19. Chester Sweets - CB: Quality Corner. In fact he’s the best corner so far. I’ve read some of his media and I gotta say it’s good to see a fellow rookie put some effort into this stuff. Good speed at 75, but endurance is only 63. Chester I’d hit the gym and do some iron man stuff. Can’t be getting burnt deep down the field. But don’t worry that's why you got safety’s like me to watch your back. Loving that 60 intelligence. Getting some zone corner vibes out of Chester. He will be a name to watch for teams looking for a good quality active young corner
20. Samuel L Sackson - LB: 75 speed is ballin for a LB, especially if hes looking to drop back into zone coverage. Active as of yesterday, Samuel is a name that might not be top 2 round material, but I can definitely see him going in the 3rd or 4th. That being said if a team is low on meme material, this man has a name that can sell some tickets.
21. Luke Skywalker - QB: This is weird how can a dude with only one hand play QB? Also can we even verify he’s not cheating? How do we know he’s not messing with the ball up in the air?..wait...maybe this is how Mahomes does it? Fuck...brb phoning Goodell
22. Johnny Hellzapoppin -S: Oooo boy we got some real competition here. I regard Johnny as a part of the trio of top 3 safeties in this draft. Lots of respect for the guy. He’s put some reale effort into some of his media pieces. This guy is going places and GM’s who need a safety, draft me first but then draft this guy. Also might I add that his player graphic is sick as hell, and his name is giving me DDR vibes. Big fan of this guy.
23. Montgomery Mantooth - TE: Mantooth, not to be confused with ElephantTooth, has lost all his child teeth and has grown a full mouth full of healthy pearly whites. That seems to be the extent of what I can say about this guy. 2 weekly check ins and a free training, we got ourselves a minimalist. He's got 65 hands though. And there’s a lot one can do with hands like those, if you know what I mean
24. Eddie Jeeta - WR: First WR of this list. Now what I’m wondering is if he’s fast like a Cheetah, or slow like a Volkswagon Jetta? Time will tell. He’s active though, and he knows how to prioritize his TPE, and unless I start to see some more WR prospects that are active, he may just go higher than one would think to a team who needs somebody who can run down the field and catch a ball. 70 hands means there’s no way in hell i'm winning a contested catch against this guy though
25. Ozamataz Buckshank - CB: I think this guy thinks he's a linebacker, as he’s upgraded both his strength and tackling. He has 76 speed but has clearly sacrificed endurance to get it. It’s a bold strategy cotton, let’s see if it pays off
26. Stanis?aw Koniecpolski - LB: My oh my what do we have here. Now this is some top end talent. 112 TPE are you kidding me. You should open up a soup kitchen and start sharing some of that. This is a first round talent if I ever saw one, and the best linebacker so far. 80 speed means this guy is gonna hang wherever needed. Just don’t expect me to ever successfully say this guys name right. From here on out I shall name nickname you Stan the Polski
27. Tom Thorne - LB: Average LB. Active a few days ago. Average name. I give this guy a 5/10
28. Slinky Claxton - DE: With a name that sounds like it should be on a STD list with Herpes and Syphillus, Slinky comes in as a young, active DE in dire need of a rogaine prescription. Born in Flint Michigan in the middle of the water crisis, one has to wonder if Slinky suffered some developmental deficiency as a kid. Reading his wiki definitely makes me wonder if this guy should be in a mental asylum as opposed to a football field.
29. Sebastian Vettel -S: Sebastian represents the second tier of safeties. Guys who have lives and don’t have time to sit up all night reading up on every single rookie in his draft class. But dedication and obsession lead to greatness, and one day Sebastian might have that fire kindle inside him. With decent speed and intelligence he possesses the tools needed to help a team out early in the season. Although with a sig picture like his, he makes me wonder if he’d be better of in another sport, like professional ballet or something
30. Eldrick Avery - CB: Solid CB. No idea who names their kid Eldrick but what do I know. He calls himself the “white tiger” which I’m not gonna lie, after googling, is a sick as fuck nickname. I’d draft this guy just for that to be honest. Maybe get this guy to rename my franchise or something. Am I calling out any specific franchises in this league? Maybe
31. Michael Whiteblock - WR: Another semi active WR. Could be a decent pickup. No wiki means no meme material and im not taking the low hanging fruit with that name.
32. Deshun Jones - DT: Did the guy writing out your birth certificate have a brainfart when he was typing out “Deshaun.” Jones is a mediocre DT who generated retarded amounts of sacks in college. Should have named yourself Chris Jones damn. Will need some strength upgrades but I can see this guy turning into a serviceable lineman
33. Kichwa Jones - RB: Another Jones with a weirdass first name. Nevertheless he's an RB with 82 speed. What more can you want from an RB being drafted into the DSFL. Unfortunately hes up against some good competition at RB this year with some other fast boi’s at RB. He’ll need to do some work before the draft to distinguish himself. That, or they allow wildcat formations, which would only helps Kichwa’s draft stock
34. Acura Skyline - RB: Back to back RB’s. Similar vibe as above. Both are 82 speed. It’ll be interesting to see who gets drafted first between the two. It’ll probably come down to if a GM prefer’s shitty cars or not
35. Ben Stackinpaper - CB: Ben Stackinpaper is gonna become Ben Inactive if he doesn’t get some motivation to pump out some TPE. Active as of yesterday, there's still hope here. 81 speed on a corner is serviceable.
36. Abbas Muhammad - S: Same deal as above. Active as of yesterday but no TPE generation. Are these the guys that vote for Bernie Sanders? Get to work!
37 Buster Brownce - DE: Get...to….work
38. Rainman Legends - DE: This guy might be better off counting cards than playing in the DSFL. with 7 TPE to his name and only 60 speed, its not looking good for him. 74 endurance is cool tho, he probably lasts forever in bed
39. Zamir Kehla - CB: Finally we are talking. A genuine talent. He is active in the discord and somehow is able to afford a 30m piece of equipment. Damn that's one expensive bowflex. The new best corner of this list. Another top 2 round talent. We’ll surely see him go early as teams, especially expansion teams, work to build their rosters. A tad short at 5’11”, although I’m sure he tells all the ladies he’s 6 feet
40. William Alexander - WR: An active WR with a bank account of 52 TPE. Hopefully he spends it on upgrading his stats and not on hookers. The man has made some money as well which shows some dedication to this league. This draft is starved for WR talent so we’ll see how early William goes
41. Jeffrey Phillips - TE: We may have found our contender to Daniel George in the TE space. With more of a focus on catching than blocking, he's definitely more Kelce than Kittle. The two top TE’s of this draft seem to have taken a similar direction when they both registered for this draft with two first names as their full name. An interesting tactic to get noticed for sure
42. George 'Corpse Grinder' Fisher - LB: I honestly have no words for this guys sig picture. We really need to put an end to the opioid epidemic
43. Heath Evans - TE: Tier 2 TE. Better blocker than Jeffrey but not as good as Daniel. May be picked up by a run heavy team. According to his wiki, this guy also played safety at 245 pounds. Good grief.
44. Godrick Fallstrum - DT: 50 strength on a DT is like shooting compressed oxygen at a house fire. You ain’t helping bro
45. Ben Slothlisberger - QB: This guy gets touted as the best prospect in the draft. His user is a S13 ultimini winner. I’m sure he’s on the hunt again. Not much to say until he gets more than 64 TPE though
46. Sam Sidekick - K/P: Every team needs a Kicker and a punter, not every team wants to draft one. If you need one, this is the one to get. Also Evok is chill
47. Cadillac Harris - CB: I feel like I read this guy’s scouting report. It only had good things to say. 73 TPE is less of a cadillac and more like a Toyota though, might want to fix that. Serviceable CB for now
48. Shawn Dawkins - S: Oh boy an 81 speed safety. 40 intelligence though so GM’s you can enjoy the PI calls. This guy is a physical specimen with 70 agility and endurance. Hopefully whoever has the pleasure of coaching this guy can teach him a thing or two.
49. Buck Thornton - S The 3rd of the top tier safeties. I hadn’t realized he was still only at 74 TPE. With one of the better wiki’s this guy has serious potential if he stays active. But at only 74 TPE makes me think there’s only 2 top tier safeties in this draft. Hope he can pull it together and succeed in this league. Plus his profile picture is one sexy human being
50 Jim Waters - QB: At number 50 we got Siddhus QB Jim Waters. Good stats like the other QBs. Plenty of TPE to go around. We’ll see where the QB’s end up going. Ultimately they will decide the draft position of many of the top defensive prospects. So far a top 3 QB. Although his name makes him sound like he should be commentating on games, not playing in them
51. Susan Cash.Jr-WR: Active but average. Good balanced WR, needs a TPE boost to separate himself in terms of what role he wants to fit into. You got this Susan
52. James Cho - DE Real solid DE prospect. In fact hes the best DE prospect so far. Active, has some media out. This is a real good pickup. Strong, 2-3 down DE that will help any team in the DSFL
53. Monty Jack - QB Elite. These Top tier QB’s could very well go 1-2-3 on the draft board. Such a high degree of talent and experience here. Monty, as noted before, is the less cute twin. But that doesnt mean he cant sling it. 80 arm strength means no part of the field is safe from this guy. I really hope he’s on my team. In fact I hope all the QB’s are on my team, I don’t need anyone making me look bad out there
54. Sandro Ryeu - DE Another really good active DE. Sandro has some really good speed which will make him good at holding the edge against RB’s. And hes german! So thats a thing
55. Kevin Koh - WR: Wow we are really lighting it up as we get to the end of the list. Lots of active players down here. This one is saving all his TPE so he can go super saiyen. I have no doubt he will dump it all in speed and become a speedy boi
56. Simeon Works - DE Well it looks like GM’s have plenty to pick from in terms of DE’s. 31 banked points on Simeon. I guess you can say Simeon has gone to work….
57 William Lim- WR Coming up to the end here and we may just have a tier one WR on our hands. A poly sci major from Korea, he somehow got a Visa in America to play football in the DSFL. How did he get acclimatized so quickly to American football? Honestly no idea
58. Brandon Booker - CB: Last but not least is Brandon Booker. 67 Intelligence on a corner is no joke. Combine that with 74 speed that is only going to go up and you got the workings of a dangerous zone corner. Strikes me as the type of player I could gel well with on the field
And that's all she wrote folks. I tried to include anyone who was active within the last few days. Evidently that ends up including some people with next to no TPE. Slowly started to wear down the humor when you see so much inactivity. Either way I had fun learning about this draft class. There are a lot of good players. The first 2 rounds of this draft are going to be elite top end players that are really going to help teams out
Word Count: 3648
What’s going on everyone. DSFL draft day is coming up real quick, and no doubt our DSFL GM’s are working around the clock to find which players are their best bets to build a winning formula. Some of us have done our part to help the GM’s by building mock drafts, while others have gone on discord and talked enough shit to last a lifetime (looking at you Phat Boi; sick podcast tho). What I am going to do today for our wonderful GM’s, is build a list of players who are active and worth drafting in rounds that aren’t just round 1 and 2. This will probably end up being just a list of prospects I like, because I’m biased and I like writing about things I enjoy. In addition, If I end up talking shit about you, don’t take it personally and remember, any exposure is good exposure.
1. Phat Boi - DT: When Ronald McDonald finally gets charged for touching too many children, Phat Boi will be there to take up the reigns as their new mascot. As one of the oldest active prospects I could find, with access to point tasks such as trivia, Phat Boi has amassed enough TPE to become both strong boi and fast boi. With a banger of a podcast, Phat Boi is destined for the first round. Hopefully whichever GM drafts him can afford to keep him away from lucrative deals with McDonalds, and keep him focused on the field.
2. Daniel George- TE: Danny George has been flying under quite a few mock drafts radars. With the chiseled chin of a greek god, George has built his way up to 102 TPE. Reading his wiki made me shed a single tear as I realized the world was robbed of the sexiest figure skater to ever grace the ice. Instead, we get a top tier TE prospect. The kind that can flatten linebackers and go out and catch a few redzone TD’s. If George Kittle and Travis Kelce ever found a way to have a child, Daniel George would be it.
3. Tommy Sacamano - OL: Tommy Sacasomething is the first OL prospect to grace this list. At 73 strength and 80 pass blocking, he is a solid young Oline prospect that teams like our expansion friends should be looking at. Unfortunately Tommy is a little self conscious and has yet to put a photo or a wiki of himself up yet. Tommy I want you to know that if you’re reading this, I’m sure you’re a sexy human being. Don’t be afraid to spread your wings and fly.
4. Clayton Jones - DT: Clayton Jones, or as I like to call him, “Do as little as possible to get TPE” Jones, is the second DT on this list. For some reason this DT thought it was smart to grab some speed, while he’s chilling with a strength of 65. Hopefully Clayton decides to go to the gym and put more than a single plate on his bar. Clayton is still active as we speak however, so there is hope for him yet.
5. Derred de Ville - LB: Now my minimal knowledge of Chinese tells me that this name translates into “Fast Boi Who Lifts,” and boy oh boy does this guy lift. With 80 speed and 70 strength, the sheer momentum this fella can generate is enough to put a small child on their back. Of course you may be wondering how that is an accomplishment. Well, let’s just say this child weighs somewhere in the neighbourhood of 400 pounds, and yes, this is what is wrong with America.
6. Calvin Golladay -OL: Another OL prospect, and so far the better of the two. According to his wiki, he’s only given up 3 sacks in 4 years of college, so he's basically jesus. Calvin has taken the opposite approach to Tommy Sacamano, opting for 80 strength and 70 passblock. With that much strength I might just take him to win in an arm wrestle against Phat Boi, but I digress. Calvin possesses not only the physical attributes, but the intelligence to play in a tackle position. Just don’t make this guy run anywhere. Screen? No go. This boy is slower than shakespearean foreplay; by the time you get to the good part, the play’s moved on. It should also be noted that Calvin has gained an extra 15 pounds, going from 325-340. Now I’m no doctor, but at some point you gotta wonder how he gained that much weight so quickly. Something something Law of diminishing returns?
7. Colby Jack - QB: First QB of the list. Colby is a twin to his brother Monty, but if you ask me Colby is definitely the cuter of the two of them. With enough TPE to feed a small village, Colby seems destined for the first round. Running 4.34, he’s got silly amounts of speed, so long as he doesn’t bust up his ankle while hes roleplaying Sonic the Hedgehog.
8. Andrew Witten -CB: Andrew, get more TPE. Make a wiki or something. Sell your panties for cash I don’t know just do something! You got the most football name I’ve ever seen, you’re destined for greatness.
9. Quinn Hughes - S: That’s right I made my own list. I won’t say much here except I can spank ya’ll in Madden. My PS4 IGN is Isidore94 hit me up
10. Tatsu Nakamura - RB: Ok we got our first runnie boi. Tatsu is the kind of guy to save up all his money so he can go to the NASDAQ and buy as many Tesla stocks as he can afford. With 84 speed, he’s the fastest boi on this list so far. He also shares a name with a japanese wrestler and one of the best fast boi chess players.
11. Magnus Rikiya - DT: Magnus means great and rikiya means huge, so together this man’s name means “Great Huge.” There are a few words I could put after these two adjectives, such as the size of the universe, the size of this draft class, the size of my di...anyways. Great Huge is active and has been working on both his strength and his speed. Hopefully after he is drafted he will be able to take that next step
12. Mark Radson - LB: Mark over here has 665 tackling, according to his updater. What must that feel like? Do your organs literally just give up and die when you get hit by this guy? Could this guy 1v1 The Hulk? These are questions I need answers too. What I know for sure is this man needs to be audited for performance enhancing drugs.
13. Bruce Buckley - OL: Ok seriously what is with you people and OL’s? Is this some sort of cult? How is this the most popular position so far? Regardless, Bruce over here went from getting a Bachelors of Arts to being scouted to being too good for the DSFL in like 2 sentences, according to his wiki. This story has more plot holes than the last 2 season’s of Game of Thrones. He’ll probably go first overall
14. Troen Egghands - DE: Before I say anything I need to ask, Troen were your parents having a stroke or something when they named you? Anyways, first DE of the list. Average speed, average strength, but above average intelligence. He’s got a degree in economics too, so if all else fails he can trade weed stocks.
15. Valor Gilmore - CB: Not much to say. Average CB. Was active a few days ago. Dope name though.
16. Jimmy Cooks - S: The first other safety I’ve run into. So this is what my competition looks like. Jimmy all I gotta say is you may want to reread how point task’s work. <3
17. Ricky Boomhauer - CB: Another person who doesn’t know how update pages work, nor how TPE upgrades work. Am I an asshole for calling them out? It depends. I’m merely highlighting them so our lovely rookie mentors can help them out. Ricky! Get Help!
18. White Goodman - RB: Oh damn its Gucci. Uh White Goodman is the greatest player to ever grace the DSFL draft.
19. Chester Sweets - CB: Quality Corner. In fact he’s the best corner so far. I’ve read some of his media and I gotta say it’s good to see a fellow rookie put some effort into this stuff. Good speed at 75, but endurance is only 63. Chester I’d hit the gym and do some iron man stuff. Can’t be getting burnt deep down the field. But don’t worry that's why you got safety’s like me to watch your back. Loving that 60 intelligence. Getting some zone corner vibes out of Chester. He will be a name to watch for teams looking for a good quality active young corner
20. Samuel L Sackson - LB: 75 speed is ballin for a LB, especially if hes looking to drop back into zone coverage. Active as of yesterday, Samuel is a name that might not be top 2 round material, but I can definitely see him going in the 3rd or 4th. That being said if a team is low on meme material, this man has a name that can sell some tickets.
21. Luke Skywalker - QB: This is weird how can a dude with only one hand play QB? Also can we even verify he’s not cheating? How do we know he’s not messing with the ball up in the air?..wait...maybe this is how Mahomes does it? Fuck...brb phoning Goodell
22. Johnny Hellzapoppin -S: Oooo boy we got some real competition here. I regard Johnny as a part of the trio of top 3 safeties in this draft. Lots of respect for the guy. He’s put some reale effort into some of his media pieces. This guy is going places and GM’s who need a safety, draft me first but then draft this guy. Also might I add that his player graphic is sick as hell, and his name is giving me DDR vibes. Big fan of this guy.
23. Montgomery Mantooth - TE: Mantooth, not to be confused with ElephantTooth, has lost all his child teeth and has grown a full mouth full of healthy pearly whites. That seems to be the extent of what I can say about this guy. 2 weekly check ins and a free training, we got ourselves a minimalist. He's got 65 hands though. And there’s a lot one can do with hands like those, if you know what I mean
24. Eddie Jeeta - WR: First WR of this list. Now what I’m wondering is if he’s fast like a Cheetah, or slow like a Volkswagon Jetta? Time will tell. He’s active though, and he knows how to prioritize his TPE, and unless I start to see some more WR prospects that are active, he may just go higher than one would think to a team who needs somebody who can run down the field and catch a ball. 70 hands means there’s no way in hell i'm winning a contested catch against this guy though
25. Ozamataz Buckshank - CB: I think this guy thinks he's a linebacker, as he’s upgraded both his strength and tackling. He has 76 speed but has clearly sacrificed endurance to get it. It’s a bold strategy cotton, let’s see if it pays off
26. Stanis?aw Koniecpolski - LB: My oh my what do we have here. Now this is some top end talent. 112 TPE are you kidding me. You should open up a soup kitchen and start sharing some of that. This is a first round talent if I ever saw one, and the best linebacker so far. 80 speed means this guy is gonna hang wherever needed. Just don’t expect me to ever successfully say this guys name right. From here on out I shall name nickname you Stan the Polski
27. Tom Thorne - LB: Average LB. Active a few days ago. Average name. I give this guy a 5/10
28. Slinky Claxton - DE: With a name that sounds like it should be on a STD list with Herpes and Syphillus, Slinky comes in as a young, active DE in dire need of a rogaine prescription. Born in Flint Michigan in the middle of the water crisis, one has to wonder if Slinky suffered some developmental deficiency as a kid. Reading his wiki definitely makes me wonder if this guy should be in a mental asylum as opposed to a football field.
29. Sebastian Vettel -S: Sebastian represents the second tier of safeties. Guys who have lives and don’t have time to sit up all night reading up on every single rookie in his draft class. But dedication and obsession lead to greatness, and one day Sebastian might have that fire kindle inside him. With decent speed and intelligence he possesses the tools needed to help a team out early in the season. Although with a sig picture like his, he makes me wonder if he’d be better of in another sport, like professional ballet or something
30. Eldrick Avery - CB: Solid CB. No idea who names their kid Eldrick but what do I know. He calls himself the “white tiger” which I’m not gonna lie, after googling, is a sick as fuck nickname. I’d draft this guy just for that to be honest. Maybe get this guy to rename my franchise or something. Am I calling out any specific franchises in this league? Maybe
31. Michael Whiteblock - WR: Another semi active WR. Could be a decent pickup. No wiki means no meme material and im not taking the low hanging fruit with that name.
32. Deshun Jones - DT: Did the guy writing out your birth certificate have a brainfart when he was typing out “Deshaun.” Jones is a mediocre DT who generated retarded amounts of sacks in college. Should have named yourself Chris Jones damn. Will need some strength upgrades but I can see this guy turning into a serviceable lineman
33. Kichwa Jones - RB: Another Jones with a weirdass first name. Nevertheless he's an RB with 82 speed. What more can you want from an RB being drafted into the DSFL. Unfortunately hes up against some good competition at RB this year with some other fast boi’s at RB. He’ll need to do some work before the draft to distinguish himself. That, or they allow wildcat formations, which would only helps Kichwa’s draft stock
34. Acura Skyline - RB: Back to back RB’s. Similar vibe as above. Both are 82 speed. It’ll be interesting to see who gets drafted first between the two. It’ll probably come down to if a GM prefer’s shitty cars or not
35. Ben Stackinpaper - CB: Ben Stackinpaper is gonna become Ben Inactive if he doesn’t get some motivation to pump out some TPE. Active as of yesterday, there's still hope here. 81 speed on a corner is serviceable.
36. Abbas Muhammad - S: Same deal as above. Active as of yesterday but no TPE generation. Are these the guys that vote for Bernie Sanders? Get to work!
37 Buster Brownce - DE: Get...to….work
38. Rainman Legends - DE: This guy might be better off counting cards than playing in the DSFL. with 7 TPE to his name and only 60 speed, its not looking good for him. 74 endurance is cool tho, he probably lasts forever in bed
39. Zamir Kehla - CB: Finally we are talking. A genuine talent. He is active in the discord and somehow is able to afford a 30m piece of equipment. Damn that's one expensive bowflex. The new best corner of this list. Another top 2 round talent. We’ll surely see him go early as teams, especially expansion teams, work to build their rosters. A tad short at 5’11”, although I’m sure he tells all the ladies he’s 6 feet
40. William Alexander - WR: An active WR with a bank account of 52 TPE. Hopefully he spends it on upgrading his stats and not on hookers. The man has made some money as well which shows some dedication to this league. This draft is starved for WR talent so we’ll see how early William goes
41. Jeffrey Phillips - TE: We may have found our contender to Daniel George in the TE space. With more of a focus on catching than blocking, he's definitely more Kelce than Kittle. The two top TE’s of this draft seem to have taken a similar direction when they both registered for this draft with two first names as their full name. An interesting tactic to get noticed for sure
42. George 'Corpse Grinder' Fisher - LB: I honestly have no words for this guys sig picture. We really need to put an end to the opioid epidemic
43. Heath Evans - TE: Tier 2 TE. Better blocker than Jeffrey but not as good as Daniel. May be picked up by a run heavy team. According to his wiki, this guy also played safety at 245 pounds. Good grief.
44. Godrick Fallstrum - DT: 50 strength on a DT is like shooting compressed oxygen at a house fire. You ain’t helping bro
45. Ben Slothlisberger - QB: This guy gets touted as the best prospect in the draft. His user is a S13 ultimini winner. I’m sure he’s on the hunt again. Not much to say until he gets more than 64 TPE though
46. Sam Sidekick - K/P: Every team needs a Kicker and a punter, not every team wants to draft one. If you need one, this is the one to get. Also Evok is chill
47. Cadillac Harris - CB: I feel like I read this guy’s scouting report. It only had good things to say. 73 TPE is less of a cadillac and more like a Toyota though, might want to fix that. Serviceable CB for now
48. Shawn Dawkins - S: Oh boy an 81 speed safety. 40 intelligence though so GM’s you can enjoy the PI calls. This guy is a physical specimen with 70 agility and endurance. Hopefully whoever has the pleasure of coaching this guy can teach him a thing or two.
49. Buck Thornton - S The 3rd of the top tier safeties. I hadn’t realized he was still only at 74 TPE. With one of the better wiki’s this guy has serious potential if he stays active. But at only 74 TPE makes me think there’s only 2 top tier safeties in this draft. Hope he can pull it together and succeed in this league. Plus his profile picture is one sexy human being
50 Jim Waters - QB: At number 50 we got Siddhus QB Jim Waters. Good stats like the other QBs. Plenty of TPE to go around. We’ll see where the QB’s end up going. Ultimately they will decide the draft position of many of the top defensive prospects. So far a top 3 QB. Although his name makes him sound like he should be commentating on games, not playing in them
51. Susan Cash.Jr-WR: Active but average. Good balanced WR, needs a TPE boost to separate himself in terms of what role he wants to fit into. You got this Susan
52. James Cho - DE Real solid DE prospect. In fact hes the best DE prospect so far. Active, has some media out. This is a real good pickup. Strong, 2-3 down DE that will help any team in the DSFL
53. Monty Jack - QB Elite. These Top tier QB’s could very well go 1-2-3 on the draft board. Such a high degree of talent and experience here. Monty, as noted before, is the less cute twin. But that doesnt mean he cant sling it. 80 arm strength means no part of the field is safe from this guy. I really hope he’s on my team. In fact I hope all the QB’s are on my team, I don’t need anyone making me look bad out there
54. Sandro Ryeu - DE Another really good active DE. Sandro has some really good speed which will make him good at holding the edge against RB’s. And hes german! So thats a thing
55. Kevin Koh - WR: Wow we are really lighting it up as we get to the end of the list. Lots of active players down here. This one is saving all his TPE so he can go super saiyen. I have no doubt he will dump it all in speed and become a speedy boi
56. Simeon Works - DE Well it looks like GM’s have plenty to pick from in terms of DE’s. 31 banked points on Simeon. I guess you can say Simeon has gone to work….
57 William Lim- WR Coming up to the end here and we may just have a tier one WR on our hands. A poly sci major from Korea, he somehow got a Visa in America to play football in the DSFL. How did he get acclimatized so quickly to American football? Honestly no idea
58. Brandon Booker - CB: Last but not least is Brandon Booker. 67 Intelligence on a corner is no joke. Combine that with 74 speed that is only going to go up and you got the workings of a dangerous zone corner. Strikes me as the type of player I could gel well with on the field
And that's all she wrote folks. I tried to include anyone who was active within the last few days. Evidently that ends up including some people with next to no TPE. Slowly started to wear down the humor when you see so much inactivity. Either way I had fun learning about this draft class. There are a lot of good players. The first 2 rounds of this draft are going to be elite top end players that are really going to help teams out
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