Hello everyone. I’m pretty new around here, so I’m not sure if something like this has been done before, but I wanted to give it a whirl. Before the S22 season starts tonight, I would like to power rank the NSFL teams. These power rankings will be based on which mascots I think would come out on top in an all out brawl. The rules of this brawl are simple. Each team gets 11 of it’s mascot 11 being the number of offensive or defensive starters on a team. Sorry special teams. Let’s just jump right in, shall we?
12. Liberty - It’s a bell. It’s inanimate. I’m not sure how much more I can say. Maybe if the bells were sentient, but none of the other mascots knew, they could release themselves from high up, and land on the other mascots? This was an easy choice.
11. Second Line - I’m going to take this as 11 humans that are participating in the second line, which I definitely had to Google. I’m thinking that they’re going to be having too much fun following the band to notice the copperheads, outlaws, etc. that are ready to put them in the ground. They’ll lose, but they’ll be enjoying themselves while they’re doing it. They just aren’t equipped for a fight. That’s what it comes down to.
10. Copperheads - I’m from a part of the US that has copperheads, so I know they aren’t something to play with, don’t get me wrong. They just don’t match up well with their opponents. A group of 11 normal size snakes can be overpowered pretty easily, in my opinion. Another reason that the copperheads aren't ranked higher is because if I hear the song "Copperhead Road" one more time at the bar, I'm going to lose it.
9. Hawks - This is the biggest disappointment, for sure. I did not think that the hawks would be ranked this low when I started this. They’re fearsome, and larger than most people realize. I chose to go with a golden eagle, based on the fact that the logo is golden. A golden eagle can only carry up to 8 pounds during flight, so that’s what this decision was based on. I think that the hawk’s only chance would be to take their prey up into the sky, one at a time, and drop them from up there, but they can’t carry any mascots besides the copperheads.
8. Hahalua - This is another disappointment. At 3600 pounds, you would expect more out of the manta rays. They just aren’t that deadly, though. If their tail was poisonous, like stingrays, they would be near the top, I’m sure. As it stands, though, they’re gentle giants. Maybe when push comes to shove, they could use their huge tail to do some damage, but I just can’t assume something like that. Their absolutely massive size has to count for something though, and that's why they rank above four other mascots.
7. Otters - I’m not sure if you guys knew this, but otters are mean. Pro tip: if you ever see an otter while walking your dog, don’t let your dog go near it. It may seem like it could set up a cute photo, but I’ve heard stories of otters killing dogs when dogs get near them. I think they could tear apart anything above them, but I don’t see them matching up well with any of the other mascots. They’re just too small. Sorry, this one took a bit of a sad turn.
6. Sailfish - These guys are big. As in, 120 pounds big. They also essentially have a giant needle on their faces. With this size and weapon, I think they could defeat countless enemies, but the next five on the list are not among them. It’s hard to rank a sea-based mascot against a land-based mascot. If a group of butchers are swimming in the ocean, the sailfish wins. If a group of sailfish get dropped onto land, well, I think that’s easy to predict. I’m going to make an executive decision and say that the sailfish’s lack of adaptability to its environment puts it below the others.
5. Butchers - As the team that drafted me, I wish I could put them higher. A group of cleaver wielding humans is a force to be reckoned with. They are probably experts at filleting everything ranked lower than them (with the exception of the bells, obviously. I think they would also know how to butcher a sabercat, and maybe even a yeti, if they were already dead. However, I think in an 11 versus 11, the sabercats or yeti would overcome the butchers.
4. Sabercats - We’re getting into the top-tier mascots here. These last four are all incredibly strong. These ~550 pound cats are wielding two 11 inch long, razor sharp teeth and, assuming a bite force similar to a tiger, they’re using them with 1050 pounds per square inch of force. Not a lot of things can stop that. I can think of three things that have a shot though.
3. Yeti - The mythical yeti. If I had to describe them in three words, it would be huge, strong, alpha male, jackhammer, merciless, insatiable. While not a lot is known about the yeti, we do know one thing, and that’s that we don’t know if they exist. If they did, I assume that they would be strong enough to just tear apart anything that they could get their hands on. That is, IF they can get their hands on it.
2. Outlaws - Humans with guns. That’s all that this comes down to, really. If any of the lower ranked mascots got near an outlaw, the outlaw could just shoot it. You know what? I’m actually rethinking this list now, because if an outlaw shot a bell, there’s a chance that the bullet could ricochet back and kill the outlaw or one of his buddies. Maybe I’ve been sleeping on the liberty? Wow. It’s too late to go back, so I’m leaving it the way it is. But it makes you think…
1. Wraiths - A wraith is a ghost-like being. How do you hurt a ghost-like being? You don’t. There’s nothing you can do. This isn’t Supernatural. You can’t just get your salt shotgun and pop a few rounds. Maybe the wraith doesn’t have the capability to hurt the outlaw either. That’s fine, they can just haunt the outlaws until they go insane. Oh, the outlaws have nerves of steel and can’t be shaken, you say? Okay, they can just outlive the outlaws, or anything on the list. Well, maybe except the bells, my God.
H1. Liberty - I’ve underestimated you, Liberty. The bells could best either of my top two ranked mascots. I think that deserves at least some kind of honorary recognition. They get an honorary 1 spot.
There you have it, folks. This is exactly how the rankings will look at the end of the season, whether you like it or not. My word is gospel. I'd also like to wish all of the teams good luck in their games tonight. I, for one, welcome our new bell overlords.
12. Liberty - It’s a bell. It’s inanimate. I’m not sure how much more I can say. Maybe if the bells were sentient, but none of the other mascots knew, they could release themselves from high up, and land on the other mascots? This was an easy choice.
11. Second Line - I’m going to take this as 11 humans that are participating in the second line, which I definitely had to Google. I’m thinking that they’re going to be having too much fun following the band to notice the copperheads, outlaws, etc. that are ready to put them in the ground. They’ll lose, but they’ll be enjoying themselves while they’re doing it. They just aren’t equipped for a fight. That’s what it comes down to.
10. Copperheads - I’m from a part of the US that has copperheads, so I know they aren’t something to play with, don’t get me wrong. They just don’t match up well with their opponents. A group of 11 normal size snakes can be overpowered pretty easily, in my opinion. Another reason that the copperheads aren't ranked higher is because if I hear the song "Copperhead Road" one more time at the bar, I'm going to lose it.
9. Hawks - This is the biggest disappointment, for sure. I did not think that the hawks would be ranked this low when I started this. They’re fearsome, and larger than most people realize. I chose to go with a golden eagle, based on the fact that the logo is golden. A golden eagle can only carry up to 8 pounds during flight, so that’s what this decision was based on. I think that the hawk’s only chance would be to take their prey up into the sky, one at a time, and drop them from up there, but they can’t carry any mascots besides the copperheads.
8. Hahalua - This is another disappointment. At 3600 pounds, you would expect more out of the manta rays. They just aren’t that deadly, though. If their tail was poisonous, like stingrays, they would be near the top, I’m sure. As it stands, though, they’re gentle giants. Maybe when push comes to shove, they could use their huge tail to do some damage, but I just can’t assume something like that. Their absolutely massive size has to count for something though, and that's why they rank above four other mascots.
7. Otters - I’m not sure if you guys knew this, but otters are mean. Pro tip: if you ever see an otter while walking your dog, don’t let your dog go near it. It may seem like it could set up a cute photo, but I’ve heard stories of otters killing dogs when dogs get near them. I think they could tear apart anything above them, but I don’t see them matching up well with any of the other mascots. They’re just too small. Sorry, this one took a bit of a sad turn.
6. Sailfish - These guys are big. As in, 120 pounds big. They also essentially have a giant needle on their faces. With this size and weapon, I think they could defeat countless enemies, but the next five on the list are not among them. It’s hard to rank a sea-based mascot against a land-based mascot. If a group of butchers are swimming in the ocean, the sailfish wins. If a group of sailfish get dropped onto land, well, I think that’s easy to predict. I’m going to make an executive decision and say that the sailfish’s lack of adaptability to its environment puts it below the others.
5. Butchers - As the team that drafted me, I wish I could put them higher. A group of cleaver wielding humans is a force to be reckoned with. They are probably experts at filleting everything ranked lower than them (with the exception of the bells, obviously. I think they would also know how to butcher a sabercat, and maybe even a yeti, if they were already dead. However, I think in an 11 versus 11, the sabercats or yeti would overcome the butchers.
4. Sabercats - We’re getting into the top-tier mascots here. These last four are all incredibly strong. These ~550 pound cats are wielding two 11 inch long, razor sharp teeth and, assuming a bite force similar to a tiger, they’re using them with 1050 pounds per square inch of force. Not a lot of things can stop that. I can think of three things that have a shot though.
3. Yeti - The mythical yeti. If I had to describe them in three words, it would be huge, strong, alpha male, jackhammer, merciless, insatiable. While not a lot is known about the yeti, we do know one thing, and that’s that we don’t know if they exist. If they did, I assume that they would be strong enough to just tear apart anything that they could get their hands on. That is, IF they can get their hands on it.
2. Outlaws - Humans with guns. That’s all that this comes down to, really. If any of the lower ranked mascots got near an outlaw, the outlaw could just shoot it. You know what? I’m actually rethinking this list now, because if an outlaw shot a bell, there’s a chance that the bullet could ricochet back and kill the outlaw or one of his buddies. Maybe I’ve been sleeping on the liberty? Wow. It’s too late to go back, so I’m leaving it the way it is. But it makes you think…
1. Wraiths - A wraith is a ghost-like being. How do you hurt a ghost-like being? You don’t. There’s nothing you can do. This isn’t Supernatural. You can’t just get your salt shotgun and pop a few rounds. Maybe the wraith doesn’t have the capability to hurt the outlaw either. That’s fine, they can just haunt the outlaws until they go insane. Oh, the outlaws have nerves of steel and can’t be shaken, you say? Okay, they can just outlive the outlaws, or anything on the list. Well, maybe except the bells, my God.
H1. Liberty - I’ve underestimated you, Liberty. The bells could best either of my top two ranked mascots. I think that deserves at least some kind of honorary recognition. They get an honorary 1 spot.
There you have it, folks. This is exactly how the rankings will look at the end of the season, whether you like it or not. My word is gospel. I'd also like to wish all of the teams good luck in their games tonight. I, for one, welcome our new bell overlords.