06-30-2020, 02:09 PM
(This post was last modified: 06-30-2020, 02:25 PM by HalfEatenOnionBagel.)
HalfEatenOnionBagel, connoisseur of hype and fine things. Charmed, I'm sure.
Some people will tell you that a rose by any other name is still a rose. Bah! I scoff at such a simple-minded notion. No, names have power! Names have meaning! An otherwise average man with a great name can go on to do amazing things. By the same token, a man with a poor name is doomed to languish for a lifetime. Certainly there are those who are able to rise above such a curse. Look for example at a well known gentleman named Aaron Donald. A man with two first names! The horror. And yet one of the most successful defensive players of all time. But his journey is not a typical one; he is certainly the exception and not the rule.
Yes yes, we can all carve out our own destinies and fortunes to some extent. But your name is so much more than a jumble of letters your parents threw together. Unless of course you're the poor child named Abcde or X Æ A-12. But I digress, your name is your true essence, interwoven with every fiber of your being. As a football player, your name and the number you choose to wear seal your fate more than you could ever imagine. But we will discuss numbers later. Today we are going to simply look at the names of players from the S23 class. Forget some sort of ranking or numerical grading system. As if I would even believe in the validity of such a banal human construct. Let us instead look at the way a name sounds, how it makes us feel and most importantly the power that it holds.
Greedy Sly: This name sounds like it should belong to some antagonist from Sly Cooper. Not familiar? A shame. Very sneaky, a name befitting of a defensive secondary player. Certainly big things are in store for Sly. The name is suscinct, a true football name. You draft a player like this for the name alone.
Tyler Montain: ahhh the French Montain. Or French-Canadian I suppose. A certain Frenchman of much infamy plagues the history of the league. And let us not pretend that the name Tyler is any sort of blessing for this young man. Perhaps you can rise above it but it will not be an easy task.
Heinrich Kackpoo: Gesundheit! Ah my apologies I did not realize that was your name you were saying….oh is there more you were expecting me to say about this name?
DB Jadakiss: Your name is DB and you are a DB, of course this is a delightful pairing. And Jadakiss, ah so soulful, so smooth. I'm going to go buy your jersey right now.
Tycker Om: My spell check is trying to correct your name multiple times as I type this. Your parents must have fancied themselves to be so unique selecting a name like Tycker but all that it reminds me of is the striped friend of a beloved bear from a certain children's book. Perhaps that is my own mental deficiency though. Time will tell as to what this name is truly capable of.
Tychondrius Hood: Ah see now this is a great example of the power of names. Perhaps some people would deign to call you Ty but you say 'nay Tychondrius is my name!' Any average bloke can be named Ty. But Tychondrius, that is the name of a warrior. Add on Hood as your last name and baby now you got a stew going. Certainly a shorter name is sometimes the better choice. Look at a poor sap like Mitchell Trubisky. But not in this case.
Son Goku: If you would like me to make a joke about the power level of this name being over 9000 you will be sorely pleased.
Raphael d'Alcott: You share the name of the great poet Raphael de la Ghetto and in my attempts to pronounce your last name I feel as though I may choke on my tounge and die. A powerful name indeed.
Ray-Ray Jackson: Jackson, along with Johnson, is one of the true football names that continues to reign supreme through the generations. Ray-Ray though reminds me of the name befitting of the animal sidekick in a cartoon for a child. Fortunately Jackson is the name that you display on your jersey. I don't believe your first name will hold you back from doing great things.
L'Carpetron Dookmarriot: A regal name, one that hearkens back to the names of heroes from a lost age. This is a name you will not soon forget not only for how unique it is but also for the power that it holds. It's a name that someone utters and you simply cannot help but shudder.
Bob Bob: Some might brush this name off due to its brevity. I, however, find that there is beauty in its simplicity. The drumming, rhythmic beat as you repeat this name. Not to mention the palendromicity that exists both for the first and last name individually as well as the full name. It's beautiful and ordered like the crystalline structure of a precious diamond. Magnificent. Shine bright like a diamond, young man.
Dick Thruster: With a name like this, perhaps you are compensating for something? I know a certain twitter account that could weigh in on the matter. Perhaps there services will be required in deciphering the true nature of such a name.
Hingle McGringleberry: Mmm so delicious, yes this sounds like some kind Ben and Jerry's flavor or something. And not that Cherry Garcia filth befitting only peasants. Yeah I know this is just another Key and Peele copycat but it's a solid one. Hope it translates on the field.
Eugene Smoothie: Yeah I don't know about this one. Feels like the name of a character that would move product at Smoothie King. But you know Uncle Chip swore by smoothies and look how the Philadelphia Eagles have done lately. Ohh you know what a good name would have been, McGringleberry Smoothie. Delicious. But I don't want any Eugene's in my smoothie I tell you hwat.
Julio Jones: Yeah I don't know about this one. Just doesn't feel like a name of someone that would be good at football
Griffin Porter: Oh yeah now this is a football name, you know this dude is a hoss. Porter hoss, porterhouse. That's a good cut of beef. And not just some hamburger, some real beef. BIG MAN
(The quality of this is slowly degrading I can just feel it)
CJ Riley: I just don't usually like the two letter names like this. CJ, BJ, DJ, PJ, PBJ whatever. Just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. This name overall, just somewhat uninspiring. Look, it's not bad it's not good you'll make of it what you will. But hey, the world needs ditchdiggers too.
Water Chestnut III: How the hell has this family named children Water Chestnut not once, not twice but three times. Forget football, I mean did you want any of these children to be successful in life? Might as well name your children Dorfus Jimbo.
Joseph Petrongolo: Now here's an example of where brevity would be preferable. Joe is a football name, Joseph is the name of your cousin's kid who you're forced to have to have as the ring bearer at your wedding. Not to mention the flow of Joe Petrongolo. Petrongolo, Petrongolo. That is fun to say, rolls off the tongue. Somewhat exotic, somewhat mysterious. There's a lot of promise for you, sir. Or frog?
Lesean Paris Crooks: Lesean Crooks as it is, is a damn good football name. I mean Lesean alone is the name of a true baller. But the Paris is where this name throws me for a loop. Am I supposed to pronounce this name with a French accent? Because that changes the entire vibe of the name, not to mention my knowledge of the French language is quite lacking. As such my thoughts on this name are simply inconclusive. You can make of your life what you will I suppose.
Bane Ka'ana'ana: Bane feels like a name that should be scary but isn't anymore cause of like the memes and Bane cat and all that stuff. Mmmm perhaps this is a good study of how a name can evolve. Ahem alright back to this though. I'm not even going to pretend I know anything about this last name. Overall a name with an interesting juxtaposition but the first name feels somewhat contrived. Oh but it looks good on you though.
Kai Sakura: The more I think about it, the more I realize that this is a beautiful name. It's an ideal length and it just hits you. Boom, Kai. Boom, Sakura. I mean Sakura alone that's gonna look nice on a jersey. I might have to go buy your jersey too. It just feels like a name that's not trying to overdo itself. It says precisely what it means to.
Carl Wheezer: Carl is hardly a name that strums up any kind of fear and Wheezer even less so. But somehow these names together, I don't know it just gives me the feeling that deep down someone with this name despite all odds could work hard enough to generate enough sweat to somehow stop the imminent heat death of the planet. Either that or fracture his scapula.
Adelie De Pengu: Now this name is a fine thing indeed and I know that this one is pronounced with a certain je ne sais quoi. It feels quite regal. Football royalty regal? Perhaps not necessarily. But certainly a name like this leads to good fortune in many walks of life. Or uh waddles of life?
Luca Scabbia: Oh yeah you have to like the way this name sounds. This is the name of a real fighter, a real powerhouse. I mean Luca alone is a fantastic name. Maybe I'll name one of my kids Luca. And then I'll buy them your jersey. Just like the replica quality jersey though. The cost of all these jerseys is adding up.
Jackson Kingston: As I mentioned before, Jackson as a last name is football gold. As briefly discussed with Aaron Donald thought with names there's a rule not to trust someone with two first names. But two last names? Well....yes it's just as bad. Just don't do it. Jackson? I don't care what your last name is, this does not bode well.
Nicholas Ayers: This may be the first name in this exercise that just doesn't make me feel anything one way or another. That's not bad, not at all. Go make a name for yourself
Benoit Blanco: Just a name that sounds so wonderful to the ears, especially with that alliteration. Ah like the music of a sweet songbird. Blanco. A blank slate, an untouched piece of marble, a fresh canvas. Your ultimate destiny will be a masterpiece if you take the time to water the seed and help it to grow.
Dre Matthews: Ah how can you forget about a man named Dre? Once again a name which proves the old adage that brevity is the soul of wit. Close to being a name with two first names but the S at the end of Matthews vaults this name into another stratosphere of potential. Matthews is a name that has shown to belong to great football players. Trust me, nobody will forget about Dre.
Mike Karpassi: Mike, just such a versatile name. Think of all the nicknames, you got Big Mike, uhhh Mikey, ummm there's a uh Killa Mike (that one's taken oh ok), yeah um ahh Big Mikey. You get it though just a solid football name. Throw in Karpassi which is a unique name. My in depth research has shown that Karpassi is most closely linked to a women's luxury handbag company. So whether you want to associate the name most with luxury or women is really up to you.
Mikel Van Perkins: Mikel, just such a versatile name. Think of the nicknames you got Big Mikel, ummmm yeah you got just a lot of them once again so versatile. The Van Perkins part of the name hearkens to a beloved sitcom character, just really warms your heart. This is a guy you just can't help but fall in love with both on and off the field, the name guarantees it. Plus, come on Van Perkins looks great on the back of a uniform. (Adds Van Perkins jersey to cart)
Doug Howlett: Doug isn't really the name of a gridiron juggernaut and yet Doug Flutie is who he is and certainly Howlett is superior to Flutie. But I digress, a solid if not awe inspiring name that lends itself to a path for a successful career.
Rigby Raccoon: You know with a name like this, this guy is just a real hoot. A raccoon playing football, you say preposterous but I say genre-defining. I mean just an eggscellent name if I do say so myself.
Running Back: Oh you poor poor child. What horrible parents decided to give you this name? Your whole life you have been put into a box, the box of a running back. Maybe you wanted to try kicker at one point? No. Maybe throw the ball around a little bit at practice? No. Certainly you can always change your fortunes. Ask the legendary quarterback named Blocksdale and he will tell you. But the name on your jersey? Just dreadful. It will always look like you didn't know which way to put it on so they had to write it for you.
Reginald Covington III: Ok! Now this is a name that makes sense to pass on to as many people as possible! (Water Chestnut…..yeesh) It's really a shame this is only the third person in the family tree to have been bestowed with such a fantastic name. You just hear the name and cannot feel anything but admiration and respect. Without a doubt this young man is destined for greatness. Show me what you got, what you got, Reggie.
Videl-San: You're named after that one cereal mascot yeah? Maybe for Cocoa Puffs or something? I loved that stuff as a kid man let me tell ya. The chocolate flavor but then you get to the end of the bowl and you get chocolate milk too? Just satisfying through and through, which this name isn't. So yeah maybe it was the name of that Corn Flakes rooster? That makes more sense.
Ah but now after three rounds of names, my old fingers grow weary, my prescient mind grows cloudy and my optimum word count is at hand. I'm not sure exactly what that last bit means but I can feel it in the very core of my being. But do not despair, I shall return again to bring to light the true meaning and beauty of names. Perhaps for more of this draft class, perhaps another, perhaps one that has yet to even be conceived.
But until then, simply remember this: your name may be who you are, but you make your own fortunes. Surely the man with the name of a king is destined to one day be a king. But even the lowest among us can become a hero. And while kings squabble amongst themselves, a hero makes a difference. A hero is who the common man will remember. Give power to your own name and do not hope that somehow your bootstraps will magically start to float.
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[OPTION]Regular Season Stats
[OPTION](S2) 14 Games Played
[OPTION](S3) 14 Games Played
[OPTION](S4) 14 Games Played
[OPTION](S5) 14 Games Played
[OPTION](S6) 14 Games Played
[OPTION](S7) 14 Games Played
[OPTION](S8) 14 Games Played
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[OPTION]Playoff Stats
[OPTION] 27839
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[OPTION]Trophy Case/Achievements:
[OPTION]Most Likely to Break the Team Bench When Sitting Down
[OPTION]Pumpkin Chuckin' Rally 2017 Semifinalist
[OPTION]Most Likely to Get Traded in S8 (T-1st)
[OPTION]Ultimus Champion S7, S8