Last night saw a grand total of 75 players make the leap from the DSFL to the ISFL and I congratulate them all. There’s something to be said for making that jump, a season (or more) of dedication, player development and Discord interaction. @bex probably getting your name wrong (looking at you Gunnar Thorbjornsson) shouldn’t detract from your achievement. Unfortunately, much like overfishing in the Atlantic, your departures have left your teams seabeds barren and empty. Now as overwrought as that simile was it does lead to my next point. Which DSFL teams have been left bereft of talent post draft? Who should be working their socks off coming up to the draft getting their work in and who is best positioned for an Ultimini? Lets have a look and see what poor and speedy conclusions we can draw.
We’ll be taking both draft losses and previous seasons record into consideration. Or we’ll at least do the best with what lax record keeping we have available to us. If push comes to shove I will ask my dog what he thinks and his word shall be law.
Please note this will only take the first three rounds into consideration because that’s 26 players, roughly 1/3rd and without the wiki being updated (Seriously who’s responsible for that? Oh wait it’s me…. shit) it’s difficult to get decent, workable data.
1. Minnesota Grey Ducks 6-8-0 3rd NFC North
Key Departures: DE, LB
Oh c’mon, they’re POISED for an upswing here. Right 6-8 ain’t great but one more win takes them a hot .500 and from there? Well you’re entering a territory in Scotland known as “pishing it” which is a highly technical term. It essentially means something is so easy you can urinate whilst completing it. With Azarius Ranger off to the Second Line and Alejandro Chainbreaker off to the Ultimus winning Yellowknife Wraiths the gaps to plug are relatively straight forward for Ducky Magic and the rest of the team over at Minnesota. Building on the success they found this year combined with a season more of development should net this group a great chance of an Ultimini. In fact, write it down somewhere right now, Minnesota will win the Ultimini and if they don’t? Well, this article will be buried somewhere so no one can ever prove me wrong. HUZZAH! Keeping the core stable of players and bringing in a couple dynamo’s to replace them has worked since the dawn of time when Zug-Um-Zug (Fun story: Not a caveman name, this is the title of Ticket to Ride in German) took his DSFL franchise to victory by filling only one hole. Flawless technique, great execution.
Do Say: Gee boy howdy those Grey Ducks are lookin’ good this year!
Don’t Say: How can they suddenly improve that much? That’s nonsense.
2. Tijuana Luchadores 6-8-0 3rd SFC South
Key Departures: S, OL, LB, QB
That’s a painful couple losses. You lose your O-Lineman and your QB and all of a sudden you’ve got a journeyman running for his life behind swiss cheese. I think you’d see far more success here if it wasn’t for the mandatory luchadore mask that all players must wear at all times. Losing Mike Boss Jr and his borderline anime Tom Brady render isn’t the end of it though. Adam Schell and his fantasic neck roll are off to pastures new, Arizona getting a 209 TPE hero at linebacker. That being said the GM’s over at Tijuana aren’t daft, they’ve got a plan here. At least I assume, that Discord is essentially Fort Knox so it could be a clown carnival in there. Presumably there’s a QB sat there on some amount of development TPE ready to step in. Complete with sixteen O-Lineman prospects in this years draft and the #FourHorsemen defensive cabal ready to step in on D I still think they can plug a few holes and compete this year.
Do Say: NO ONE CARED WHO I WAS TILL I PUT ON THE MASK!
Don’t Say: Why are your exclamation marks upside down?
3. Myrtle Beach Buccaneers 6-8-0 4th SFC South
Key Departures: QB, TE, LB, S
A lotta QB’s drafted, oh a whole lot. Yet another 6-8 team poised for a breakout. Really I think post draft we’re about to see quite a large shake up of the status quo in the DSFL and Myrtle Beach have such enormous potential to do so. A great snag at S or LB to replace the outgoing GM/Player Jeremiah Zelos would suit this time brilliantly. Also great to see some classic forced nepotism in the second round, just a huge fan of that rule all around. Now Joseph Joestar will be a huge loss. The loss of any weeb is felt twice as hard and wow this render is… how do I put this? I’m shocked that Joseph can call plays as I imagine he just repeats his own name like a Pokemon. With a good draft Myrtle Beach will challenge this year. With a great draft? The skys the limit/
Do Say: I do like to be beside the sea side!
Don’t Say: Do you not spell Buccanneers with two N’s? (Editors Note: Of course you don’t, idiot)
4. Dallas Birddogs 9-5-0 2nd SFC South
Key Departures: RB, WR, QB, S
All I know about the draft, really, is that Mattathias Caliban is some kind of sim league demigod. Having heard a few people wax lyrical about him I completely believe in the myth and legacy of this person. Combined with the fact they play QB and were sitting on a preposterous 251 TPE that’s an enormous loss. Fun fact, they have never missed an activity check either. Sickening levels of commitment walking out the door to the Colorado Yetis (#YetiNoises.) Combine that with losing Zoe Watts, a 268 TPE Speed Back?Also known as Zoe Watts, top 10 pick. Where’s the offense gone? The Birddogs must have a draft board that looks a bit like a Charlie Day mind map and hey, it might work? But I for one am skeptical. I’ll put them at fourth, this is known as hedging your bets I’m led to believe.
Do Say: RB’s are replaceable, QB’s are system driven you’ll be fine.
Don’t Say: Jesus this is just like the Beatles breaking up.
5. Portland Pythons 5-9-0 4th NFC North
Key Departures: DE, S, QB, WR
Oh I know what you’re thinking “But Rusty, they lost the same as other teams. How can they fall so low? It’s only one win!” You’d be right for thinking that. You’d be right if you were LEGALLY BLIND.
LOOK WHO THEY LOST! How can you replace that?! Dorothy Zbornak is a treasure. This is like losing a vase containing the entire history of your dynasty on the side of it. Dorothy is the heart, soul, ovum, everything of the DSFL and losing her to the ISFL should require at least a minutes silence at the start of every stream. I’m talking a lot about this but LOOK AT THE RENDERS. Honestly if you disagree with me that’s fair and I appreciate it but you’re completely wrong. If Portland can draft well and get themselves over the emotional turmoil they might have a shot, but frankly I would forgive any infractions that occur. Pour one out for ya girl Dorothy.
Do Say: Nothing you philistine don’t you know how minutes silences work?
Don’t Say: It’s literally one player with an old womans head on a muscular body?
6. Norfolk Seawolves 10-4-0 1st SFC South
Key Departures: S, K/P, DT, RB, CB, TE
Ah the Norfolk (Of Great Britain) Seawolves. If I received +1 TPE every time I got an angry message saying “THERES A NORFOLK IN AMERICA” I’d have been drafted to the ISFL immediately. I’ve got angry geographical messages piling up like pizza leaflets. Look at all those letters. So many positions gone. If I pulled those out at the start of a game of scrabble, I’d mulligan, it’s not even the lack of vowels there’s just SO MANY. So why do I have them at six with that level of departures? It’s pretty straight forward really, a TEN AND FOUR RECORD. TEN WINS. Literally the only team to see double digit victories last season. Something is going right in that front office. Is @J0EB a registered genius? Can he hold the ship stable (hehe ship, seawolf) or will Norfolk slink off the coast of England into the frigid North Sea?
Do Say: Even in a rebuilding year they’re gonna do some damage.
Don’t Say: ACTUALLY THERES A NORFOLK IN AMERICA!
T7. London Royals 7-7-0 2nd NFC North
Key Departures: LBx2, DE, WR, QB, OL
First things first the London Royals Discord is the worlds first perpetual motion machine. That thing does NOT stuff moving. Now with the piece of bread removed from this compliment sandwich lets get to the turd underneath. Two linebackers? Gone, just straight up gone. Juan Domine first overall is just, take a bow Royals, you’ve nailed it. In fact 4 players in the top six? I maybe should’ve had you guys lower but lets face facts here, This shows that these guys know how to DRAFT. Someone in the discord said that the Royals were the only team who’s draft prospects improved their draft stock from DSFL to ISFL. Gunnar Thorbjornson ended up going from a 6th round DSFL pick to 6th overall. This tells you one key thing, the Royals can DRAFT. So yeah, they’ve got more holes than swiss cheese but they’ve proven they can draft and they’ll do it again. The golden boys will manage, stiff upper lip and all.
Do Say: I believe in the power of the monarchy, they’ll keep us on the right path.
Don’t Say: Why are the tax payers sponsoring an elderly family with the right second name?
T7. Kansas City Coyotes 7-7-0 1st NFC North
Key Departures: WR, DE, 2xLB, RB, DT
Six players gone as well but in a difference to the Royals look at the positions. The core of a defence, gutted overnight. You’d think I’d have put the Coyotes higher up, higher than this. My boy @Matty7478 is in the time zone gang, the celsius gang, the East Coast gang and I trust him to make the right calls here, if he’s not utterly sozzled to cope with the Lovecraftian nightmare world that is Fife. All I’ll say is this, the #FourHorseman fix three of your needs overnight, with Lionel Rumper to boot you’ve got four Scots slotting in at the core of the defence. Do I think the Coyotes will honestly and genuinely have a shot at the Ultimini this year? They do, they absolutely do. You’d just get Leicester City’s odds on it. Also losing Joshua Campbell is painful because 557 yards and 41 snags is the most I think I’ve seen so far come out of the simulation.
Do Say: Are you yes yet?
Don’t Say: It’s part of England, right?
That’ll do it for this Pre-Draft, Post-Draft power rankings. Like a terrible comet it’s only available once in a wee while for a brief period of time so I’m glad we got to address it. No doubt once the DSFL draft is over I’ll get to revisit this and discover just how vastly wrong I was, not to mention after the season is complete and the Coyotes romp to victory, stopping to cock their leg on me on the way past. I’m also glad I got to tank my draft stock in order to both entertain and acquire a pittance in league fees in order to do so. Yeah I’ve got Tier 6 Equipment, but I’ve also basically farted in every GM’s lunchbox at this point. Also please don’t PM me telling me Norfolk is in America, I KNOW OK!? I KNOW!
We’ll be taking both draft losses and previous seasons record into consideration. Or we’ll at least do the best with what lax record keeping we have available to us. If push comes to shove I will ask my dog what he thinks and his word shall be law.
Please note this will only take the first three rounds into consideration because that’s 26 players, roughly 1/3rd and without the wiki being updated (Seriously who’s responsible for that? Oh wait it’s me…. shit) it’s difficult to get decent, workable data.
1. Minnesota Grey Ducks 6-8-0 3rd NFC North
Key Departures: DE, LB
Oh c’mon, they’re POISED for an upswing here. Right 6-8 ain’t great but one more win takes them a hot .500 and from there? Well you’re entering a territory in Scotland known as “pishing it” which is a highly technical term. It essentially means something is so easy you can urinate whilst completing it. With Azarius Ranger off to the Second Line and Alejandro Chainbreaker off to the Ultimus winning Yellowknife Wraiths the gaps to plug are relatively straight forward for Ducky Magic and the rest of the team over at Minnesota. Building on the success they found this year combined with a season more of development should net this group a great chance of an Ultimini. In fact, write it down somewhere right now, Minnesota will win the Ultimini and if they don’t? Well, this article will be buried somewhere so no one can ever prove me wrong. HUZZAH! Keeping the core stable of players and bringing in a couple dynamo’s to replace them has worked since the dawn of time when Zug-Um-Zug (Fun story: Not a caveman name, this is the title of Ticket to Ride in German) took his DSFL franchise to victory by filling only one hole. Flawless technique, great execution.
Do Say: Gee boy howdy those Grey Ducks are lookin’ good this year!
Don’t Say: How can they suddenly improve that much? That’s nonsense.
2. Tijuana Luchadores 6-8-0 3rd SFC South
Key Departures: S, OL, LB, QB
That’s a painful couple losses. You lose your O-Lineman and your QB and all of a sudden you’ve got a journeyman running for his life behind swiss cheese. I think you’d see far more success here if it wasn’t for the mandatory luchadore mask that all players must wear at all times. Losing Mike Boss Jr and his borderline anime Tom Brady render isn’t the end of it though. Adam Schell and his fantasic neck roll are off to pastures new, Arizona getting a 209 TPE hero at linebacker. That being said the GM’s over at Tijuana aren’t daft, they’ve got a plan here. At least I assume, that Discord is essentially Fort Knox so it could be a clown carnival in there. Presumably there’s a QB sat there on some amount of development TPE ready to step in. Complete with sixteen O-Lineman prospects in this years draft and the #FourHorsemen defensive cabal ready to step in on D I still think they can plug a few holes and compete this year.
Do Say: NO ONE CARED WHO I WAS TILL I PUT ON THE MASK!
Don’t Say: Why are your exclamation marks upside down?
3. Myrtle Beach Buccaneers 6-8-0 4th SFC South
Key Departures: QB, TE, LB, S
A lotta QB’s drafted, oh a whole lot. Yet another 6-8 team poised for a breakout. Really I think post draft we’re about to see quite a large shake up of the status quo in the DSFL and Myrtle Beach have such enormous potential to do so. A great snag at S or LB to replace the outgoing GM/Player Jeremiah Zelos would suit this time brilliantly. Also great to see some classic forced nepotism in the second round, just a huge fan of that rule all around. Now Joseph Joestar will be a huge loss. The loss of any weeb is felt twice as hard and wow this render is… how do I put this? I’m shocked that Joseph can call plays as I imagine he just repeats his own name like a Pokemon. With a good draft Myrtle Beach will challenge this year. With a great draft? The skys the limit/
Do Say: I do like to be beside the sea side!
Don’t Say: Do you not spell Buccanneers with two N’s? (Editors Note: Of course you don’t, idiot)
4. Dallas Birddogs 9-5-0 2nd SFC South
Key Departures: RB, WR, QB, S
All I know about the draft, really, is that Mattathias Caliban is some kind of sim league demigod. Having heard a few people wax lyrical about him I completely believe in the myth and legacy of this person. Combined with the fact they play QB and were sitting on a preposterous 251 TPE that’s an enormous loss. Fun fact, they have never missed an activity check either. Sickening levels of commitment walking out the door to the Colorado Yetis (#YetiNoises.) Combine that with losing Zoe Watts, a 268 TPE Speed Back?Also known as Zoe Watts, top 10 pick. Where’s the offense gone? The Birddogs must have a draft board that looks a bit like a Charlie Day mind map and hey, it might work? But I for one am skeptical. I’ll put them at fourth, this is known as hedging your bets I’m led to believe.
Do Say: RB’s are replaceable, QB’s are system driven you’ll be fine.
Don’t Say: Jesus this is just like the Beatles breaking up.
5. Portland Pythons 5-9-0 4th NFC North
Key Departures: DE, S, QB, WR
Oh I know what you’re thinking “But Rusty, they lost the same as other teams. How can they fall so low? It’s only one win!” You’d be right for thinking that. You’d be right if you were LEGALLY BLIND.
LOOK WHO THEY LOST! How can you replace that?! Dorothy Zbornak is a treasure. This is like losing a vase containing the entire history of your dynasty on the side of it. Dorothy is the heart, soul, ovum, everything of the DSFL and losing her to the ISFL should require at least a minutes silence at the start of every stream. I’m talking a lot about this but LOOK AT THE RENDERS. Honestly if you disagree with me that’s fair and I appreciate it but you’re completely wrong. If Portland can draft well and get themselves over the emotional turmoil they might have a shot, but frankly I would forgive any infractions that occur. Pour one out for ya girl Dorothy.
Do Say: Nothing you philistine don’t you know how minutes silences work?
Don’t Say: It’s literally one player with an old womans head on a muscular body?
6. Norfolk Seawolves 10-4-0 1st SFC South
Key Departures: S, K/P, DT, RB, CB, TE
Ah the Norfolk (Of Great Britain) Seawolves. If I received +1 TPE every time I got an angry message saying “THERES A NORFOLK IN AMERICA” I’d have been drafted to the ISFL immediately. I’ve got angry geographical messages piling up like pizza leaflets. Look at all those letters. So many positions gone. If I pulled those out at the start of a game of scrabble, I’d mulligan, it’s not even the lack of vowels there’s just SO MANY. So why do I have them at six with that level of departures? It’s pretty straight forward really, a TEN AND FOUR RECORD. TEN WINS. Literally the only team to see double digit victories last season. Something is going right in that front office. Is @J0EB a registered genius? Can he hold the ship stable (hehe ship, seawolf) or will Norfolk slink off the coast of England into the frigid North Sea?
Do Say: Even in a rebuilding year they’re gonna do some damage.
Don’t Say: ACTUALLY THERES A NORFOLK IN AMERICA!
T7. London Royals 7-7-0 2nd NFC North
Key Departures: LBx2, DE, WR, QB, OL
First things first the London Royals Discord is the worlds first perpetual motion machine. That thing does NOT stuff moving. Now with the piece of bread removed from this compliment sandwich lets get to the turd underneath. Two linebackers? Gone, just straight up gone. Juan Domine first overall is just, take a bow Royals, you’ve nailed it. In fact 4 players in the top six? I maybe should’ve had you guys lower but lets face facts here, This shows that these guys know how to DRAFT. Someone in the discord said that the Royals were the only team who’s draft prospects improved their draft stock from DSFL to ISFL. Gunnar Thorbjornson ended up going from a 6th round DSFL pick to 6th overall. This tells you one key thing, the Royals can DRAFT. So yeah, they’ve got more holes than swiss cheese but they’ve proven they can draft and they’ll do it again. The golden boys will manage, stiff upper lip and all.
Do Say: I believe in the power of the monarchy, they’ll keep us on the right path.
Don’t Say: Why are the tax payers sponsoring an elderly family with the right second name?
T7. Kansas City Coyotes 7-7-0 1st NFC North
Key Departures: WR, DE, 2xLB, RB, DT
Six players gone as well but in a difference to the Royals look at the positions. The core of a defence, gutted overnight. You’d think I’d have put the Coyotes higher up, higher than this. My boy @Matty7478 is in the time zone gang, the celsius gang, the East Coast gang and I trust him to make the right calls here, if he’s not utterly sozzled to cope with the Lovecraftian nightmare world that is Fife. All I’ll say is this, the #FourHorseman fix three of your needs overnight, with Lionel Rumper to boot you’ve got four Scots slotting in at the core of the defence. Do I think the Coyotes will honestly and genuinely have a shot at the Ultimini this year? They do, they absolutely do. You’d just get Leicester City’s odds on it. Also losing Joshua Campbell is painful because 557 yards and 41 snags is the most I think I’ve seen so far come out of the simulation.
Do Say: Are you yes yet?
Don’t Say: It’s part of England, right?
That’ll do it for this Pre-Draft, Post-Draft power rankings. Like a terrible comet it’s only available once in a wee while for a brief period of time so I’m glad we got to address it. No doubt once the DSFL draft is over I’ll get to revisit this and discover just how vastly wrong I was, not to mention after the season is complete and the Coyotes romp to victory, stopping to cock their leg on me on the way past. I’m also glad I got to tank my draft stock in order to both entertain and acquire a pittance in league fees in order to do so. Yeah I’ve got Tier 6 Equipment, but I’ve also basically farted in every GM’s lunchbox at this point. Also please don’t PM me telling me Norfolk is in America, I KNOW OK!? I KNOW!
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