We caught newly drafted rookie Jimi DeSoto on the way back to his vehicle after a scorching day of training camp.
Interviewer: Hi Jimi! Welcome to Norfolk! What are your initial reactions to joining and getting to know the team more?
JD: I have to say getting picked by Norfolk was a dream come true. They’ve got some really genuine people in the locker that have made me feel right at home. Come to think of it, it reminds me of a Velveeta Instant Shells and Cheese Cup. When I fill to the water line and pop one of those bad boys in the microwave for three and a half minutes, it’s just as simple and easy as it is transitioning from being unassigned to being a part of such a welcoming team.
I: Uh, interesting analogy. Can you tell me more about what those early interactions with the team have been like?
JD: Well, come to think of it, it reminds me of a Velveeta Instant Shells and Cheese Cup. You may think with a microwave time of just three and a half minutes that there’s no way it could be that good. But it can! In the same way, after only knowing my Seawolves teammates for a short amount of time, I’m thinking this is too good to be true! Both the veterans and my fellow rookies are people I can really get along with. I look forward to spending this season and potentially more with them.
I: Are you being sponsored or something?
JD: Pardon?
I: Nothing, nevermind. You were the fourth linebacker picked the in the draft. Any ill will to those players or the teams that picked them?
JD: Definitely not towards the players. I think those linebackers are great and I wish them tons of success. The other teams, well...if I had to compare them to something, it would have to be Kraft Instant Mac n Cheese dinner cups. Right off the bat you can see they’re pretending to be something they’re not. There is simply not enough pasta in there to constitute a dinner, at least in my opinion. Their preparation is the same, and they have the same amount of calories, but once you look closer you see that they’re pretenders. The shape of their macaroni is much too long and creates wasted space in the cup, while Velveeta’s shells are compact, giving you the most value for your money. In the same way, Norfolk is really looking to take a journey with you and make the most out of the time you have with them. The other teams use you as a pawn for their own success before casting you aside once you’re drafted by the ISFL. Additionally, you can fit more shells onto a spoon than with macaroni, especially considering the macaroni is unbalanced and can fall off the spoon on the way to your mouth. Similarly, the Seawolves move as a pack and don’t leave any man behind, while other teams may not have cultivated such an inclusive group culture.
I: Uh, wow, ok then, so anywa-
JD: One more thing: the cheese just straight up doesn’t taste as good. It just lacks any flavor and potency. It doesn’t have the courage to be bold. The people at Norfolk know what it’s like to put out a quality product. They’re the Ultimini champs. Their cheese sauce is thick and creamy, while the rest of the losers across the league have a cheese sauce that is watery and belongs in the trash. Anyway, that’s all the time I have for today.
I: Well thanks, I guess. Any final words you’d like to say to the fans before you go?
JD: I’m going to go eat-a some Velveeta.
With that, DeSoto opened his car door, and Velveeta Instant Shells and Cheese Cups spilled out onto the parking lot, as well as an uncashed check from his rookie contract, which he quickly scooped up and stuffed into his back pocket before closing the door and driving away.
Interviewer: Hi Jimi! Welcome to Norfolk! What are your initial reactions to joining and getting to know the team more?
JD: I have to say getting picked by Norfolk was a dream come true. They’ve got some really genuine people in the locker that have made me feel right at home. Come to think of it, it reminds me of a Velveeta Instant Shells and Cheese Cup. When I fill to the water line and pop one of those bad boys in the microwave for three and a half minutes, it’s just as simple and easy as it is transitioning from being unassigned to being a part of such a welcoming team.
I: Uh, interesting analogy. Can you tell me more about what those early interactions with the team have been like?
JD: Well, come to think of it, it reminds me of a Velveeta Instant Shells and Cheese Cup. You may think with a microwave time of just three and a half minutes that there’s no way it could be that good. But it can! In the same way, after only knowing my Seawolves teammates for a short amount of time, I’m thinking this is too good to be true! Both the veterans and my fellow rookies are people I can really get along with. I look forward to spending this season and potentially more with them.
I: Are you being sponsored or something?
JD: Pardon?
I: Nothing, nevermind. You were the fourth linebacker picked the in the draft. Any ill will to those players or the teams that picked them?
JD: Definitely not towards the players. I think those linebackers are great and I wish them tons of success. The other teams, well...if I had to compare them to something, it would have to be Kraft Instant Mac n Cheese dinner cups. Right off the bat you can see they’re pretending to be something they’re not. There is simply not enough pasta in there to constitute a dinner, at least in my opinion. Their preparation is the same, and they have the same amount of calories, but once you look closer you see that they’re pretenders. The shape of their macaroni is much too long and creates wasted space in the cup, while Velveeta’s shells are compact, giving you the most value for your money. In the same way, Norfolk is really looking to take a journey with you and make the most out of the time you have with them. The other teams use you as a pawn for their own success before casting you aside once you’re drafted by the ISFL. Additionally, you can fit more shells onto a spoon than with macaroni, especially considering the macaroni is unbalanced and can fall off the spoon on the way to your mouth. Similarly, the Seawolves move as a pack and don’t leave any man behind, while other teams may not have cultivated such an inclusive group culture.
I: Uh, wow, ok then, so anywa-
JD: One more thing: the cheese just straight up doesn’t taste as good. It just lacks any flavor and potency. It doesn’t have the courage to be bold. The people at Norfolk know what it’s like to put out a quality product. They’re the Ultimini champs. Their cheese sauce is thick and creamy, while the rest of the losers across the league have a cheese sauce that is watery and belongs in the trash. Anyway, that’s all the time I have for today.
I: Well thanks, I guess. Any final words you’d like to say to the fans before you go?
JD: I’m going to go eat-a some Velveeta.
With that, DeSoto opened his car door, and Velveeta Instant Shells and Cheese Cups spilled out onto the parking lot, as well as an uncashed check from his rookie contract, which he quickly scooped up and stuffed into his back pocket before closing the door and driving away.