The reporters gather in the conference room just outside the Minnesota locker room following a dismal defeat 26-6 at the hands of the Myrtle Beach Buccaneers, when suddenly the door opens and in walks linebacker Wasrabi Gleel. Dressed in a casual team sweatshirt and sweatpants, the look of disappointment is written on his face as he steps to the podium and looks out over the throng of DSFL reporters, whose hands shoot up into the air immediately. With a nod and subtle gesture to a reporter in the front row, Kenneth Krokisson, and the press conference begins.
KENNETH KROKISSON:
Wasrabi, with the loss at home tonight the Grey Ducks drop to 2-5 on the season, with a seemingly uphill battle ahead to try and catch at least the number 2 spot in the NFC to make it to the playoffs. What’s your outlook on the second half of the season after this loss?
WASRABI GLEEL:
We’re gonna compete and try to win games. That’s what we’re all trying to do. It’s not like we’re gonna call this season a wash and walk around with our heads hung low or anything like that. We got a lot of young talent in this locker room, and we’re only going to get better from here.
Wasrabi gestures to a reporter in the back, Mike Dodriteka.
MIKE DODRITEKA:
Hi, yes, Wasrabi, Mike Dodriteka, Orlando Sports Radio, speaking of young talent, you’re currently second in the DSFL in tackles, leading all rookies and only behind your teammate Alejandro Chainbreaker; have you given much thought to the Defensive Rookie of the Year race at this point in the season?
WASRABI GLEEL:
No, right now I’m really trying to focus on this season and getting better with my teammates. Chainbreaker, you mentioned, he’s just a fantastic player. A great vet, great guy to learn from, a high production player. I feel like everyone on this defense has gelled together well, but we’ve faced some really great teams in this league. Every game has been a battle, and unfortunately we’ve let a few get away from us early and haven’t been able to fight our way back.
MIKE DODRITEKA:
Still, the Rookie of the Year race is wide open, that’s gotta be exciting right?
WASRABI GLEEL:
Sure, but there are a ton of top tier defensive rookies, Donald McBobby has been fun to watch play, Richard Leaking, shout-out to him in Dallas. A lot of talented rookies in this class. But like I said, I’d rather focus on the team, where we are now, and righting this ship.
In the back of the rows of press seating, a hand emerges from behind the head of a bald and rotund reporter texting furiously on his phone.
PAM PRINGLE:
You mentioned righting the ship: What needs to happen in order to turn the season around?
WASRABI GLEEL:
I don’t want to speculate or anything like that. We gotta be better collectively, and that’s what we’re working on. I do know that we gotta hold onto the ball on offense longer. We’re losing the time of possession battle week-in-and-week-out. Our two wins on the season, we won the time of possession battle in both those games. I know the offensive players are ticked off too, and they’ve been working hard to improve every week. We’re a young team so the future is bright for the Ducks, for real. I’m not going anywhere anytime soon.
PAM PRINGLE:
Can I get your thoughts on the news of the ISFL expanding with the creation of two new teams?
WASRABI GLEEL:
Oh, I don’t know too much about all that. I’m still a rookie after all, but my initial thought is that it’ll be good for the ISFL and the DSFL in the long run. Two new teams means two new depth charts waiting to be filled, and while yes, some veterans from other ISFL teams will be picked to go to the expansion teams, but there are other roster positions needing to be filled by some of the more talented players in the DSFL who otherwise would have had a hard time making the roster of an established team. Plus there will be more games, and more games means more football, baby.
Wasrabi gestured to the bald and rotund man, who had finished typing on his phone and now held up a neatly manicured hand.
TERRY TOTERRIAT:
Wasrabi, Terry Toterriat; Footstool Sports, you undoubtedly have been watching the ISFL season like everyone else. Anywhere you could see yourself playing one day, and who is your pick to raise the Ultimus at the end of the season?
WASRABI GLEEL:
Damn, putting me on the spot right now. Hmmm. Honestly, I could see myself being honored to play for any of them, really. But the Sabercats uniforms are pretty similar to my high school colors, so that’s pretty tight. Shoutout to Baltimore though, I got big love for B-more. Also, Honolulu is beautiful and I love Hawaii and all my kama’aina friends out there.
As for who's winning the big ‘ship this year? If I was a betting man, I’d probably bet the farm that Sarasota would be taking the prize this year. Defense wins championships, and theirs has been lights out. Their record reflects that, y’know.
Another hand in the air, another reporter speaks:
RIMFORD CRIMLEY:
Which team are you looking forward to facing again the most?
WASRABI GLEEL:
I got two big rematch games circled on the calendar: The first one is week nine when Norfolk comes to the Quack Shack. They beat the hell out of us last time we met, shutting us out entirely through 4 quarters. Ever since then I’ve been looking forward to getting another crack at them. They are arguably the best team in the DSFL, nevermind the SFC. A win against them in week nine would be a big statement from the squad and silence at least a handful of the haters.
The other game is week 12 against the Dallas Birddogs, also here at home in the Quack Shack. There was a lot of back-and-forth on Twitter leading up to our first game, and some cheap shots were fired on both sides, but we ended up eating our words when they beat us 30-10. I anticipate the same kind of trash talk being prevalent in the lead-up to this game as well, and hopefully this time they’ll be the ones eating crow. Alright, last question.
He pointed at a well-dressed reporter in the front row.
DOMINIKA ANDRUSKOVSKAYA:
Yes, thank you, Wasrabi. We’ve gotten to learn quite a bit about your love of cooking and cuisine as the season has progressed. Is there any truth to the rumors about a potential television deal with the Food Network? Will we ever see a “Grilling with Gleel” weekly show?
WASRABI GLEEL:
I got to keep my lips sealed on this one for now, my agent told me we aren’t allowed to disclose any details on such a move, if a move like that was happening.
He said all of this while nodding his head up and down in the affirmative, drawing a laugh from the crowd of reporters.
WASRABI GLEEL:
Nah, but y’all know I love food, cooking food, eating food, talking about food, so I’m pretty confident there will be more cookery and confections coming down the creek soon. As always, you gotta stay tuned. Thank you, have a good night.
Just like that he strode effortlessly away from the podium and disappeared into the wings and out of sight.
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