With the Ultimini in the books and the London Royals winning it all, we all now know who is the best team in the DSFL... Or do we. There are eight teams total in the DSFL, the Luchadores, Seawolves, Buccaneers, Birddogs, Royals, Pythons, Coyotes, and the Grey Ducks. We all know them as their own respective football team. But what if we were to pit their mascot against each other. What would happen if a Luchador faced off against a Python. That is exactly what we are all here to figure out.
Tijuana Luchadores
A luchador is typically a Mexican wrestler characterized by the colorful masks and garb they tend to wear. Luchadores specialize in grapples and rapid movements which typically try to get their opponent to be pinned or submit. Luchadores are also known for their high flying acrobatic moves which could be used to their advantage in the coming contest. I feel like the Luchadores have a good chance to win it all because of their size strength and speed. Because I don't know many luchadores, I decided to use Rey Mysterio as the champion of the Luchadores. Rey Mysterio is 5'6" and weighs 175 pounds.
Norfolk Seawolves
The Norfolk Seawolves mascot is a submarine. Submarines have missiles. This would be an automatic win for the Seawolves. So, I did a little research to see if I could find any reference to a species of wolf that lives by the sea. Shockingly there are none. So, for this instance I will be using a normal wolf, I apologize to all Seawolf fans, but we have to keep this interesting. If it helps you sleep at night, you can imagine the wolf wearing a pirate hat to give it that sea vibe. I chose to use a standard North American wolf. This wolf is an alpha male and weighs 140 pounds and stands at 2.7 feet high.
Myrtle Beach Buccaneers
The Buccaneers are a feared people who typically sailed in the Caribbean looting and plundering as they went along. This type of pirate terrorized the Caribbean during the 17th and 18th centuries. To keep most of these fights fair, I chose to let the buccaneer to have a weapon of his choice, he chose his trusty flintlock pistol. I will rule later during the rounds how this pistol is used. To make the buccaneer I chose to do the average height of a male in the 18th century. So, he is 5'8" and weighs around 165 pounds.
Dallas Birddogs
There are many different species of bird dogs. I thought long and hard about which species to go with, but I finally settle on a Golden Retriever. Who hates a good boi like a Golden Retriever? I almost chose a Poodle because that would have been very funny, but my parents used to own a Poodle and it bit me so heck Poodles. Golden Retrievers weigh up to 75 pounds and are about 2 feet tall. Such a good boi.
London Royals
The London Royals logo is a lion and the lion is the king of the jungle. But there is no jungle in London and also lions don't live in the jungle so that's really dumb. So, I wracked my brain to and thought who should represent the Royals in this bout to the death. So, I chose the reigning monarch, Queen Elizabeth II. Now I bet you're wondering right now "hey that's not very fair, why do we get some old lady" well I made up this stupid idea, if you wanted to choose you could have done this yourself. Queen Elizabeth is 5'4" I could not find her weight, but you're not supposed to ask a lady her weight so I guess that's ok.
Portland Pythons
With a lot of these entries I had to do a lot of figuring out who should represent their team. With the Pythons, it's just a snake, so I decided to choose a ball python to represent this team. A large ball python can measure up to five feet in length and constricts to kill it's prey.
Kansas City Coyotes
This team is equally as easy. I have never seen a coyote in real life, but I think it's usually the size of a medium sized dog. So, I looked it up and I was right. So, the competitor for this team is 45 pounds and a little over 2 feet tall. According to my research, coyotes usually kill using comically large anvils and elaborate traps that hardly ever work.
Minnesota Grey Ducks
I feel really bad about this entry because my player is actually on the ducks. The Grey Ducks were last in the DSFL in terms of record and I have a strange feeling that is going to be the same coming into this competition. The team's mascot is a duck. We have all seen a duck. The Ducks suck, I can't believe this is happening.
Seeding
I decided to do seeding by record. So, for the SFC number 1st seed are the Luchadores, 2nd seed are the Seawolves, 3rd seed are the Buccaneers, and 4th seed are the Birddogs. For the NFC, the Royals are 1st seed, Pythons are 2nd seed, Coyotes are 3rd seed, and the Grey Ducks are 4th seed.
The Battle for the Slaughtermini
I could not think of a good name for the competition, so I named it the Slaughtermini. Up first will be the SFC division. To start off we have the Luchadores versus the Birddogs.
Fight 1: In this first fake simulation, I feel like Rey Mysterio could take a Golden Retriever. With his signature move, the 619, Rey Mysterio swiftly defeats the Golden Retriever, but he is a horrible person for doing so and should be very ashamed of himself.
Up next is the Seawolves vesus the Buccaneers.
Fight 2: I mentioned earlier that the Buccaneer has a gun, well I decided to roll a d20 to see whether or not he hit. In Dungeons and Dragons 5th edition, a wolf has an armor class of 13. I looked up a d20 roller online, and promptly rolled a 3. The buccaneer misses and is torn to shreds by the wolf. The Seawolves advance to the conference finals.
Fight 3: In this next fight we have Rey Mysterio versus a wolf. Now I've watched Rey wrestle, I do not think he could take a wolf. Have you seen a wolf in real life, these things are brutal killers. Rey Mysterio puts up a good fight but ends up losing horribly.
Now we are going to move onto the NFC. First up is the Royals versus the Grey Ducks.
Fight 1: In this fight we have the Queen of England versus a normal sized duck. The duck walks up to the Queen, she shoos the duck away and the duck flees. The London Royals win by forfeit.
Up next is the Pythons versus the Coyotes.
Fight 2: This fight will probably be the most contested fight in Slaughtermini history. A single coyote versus a single ball python. If i am being honest, I really don't know who will win. So I flipped a coin, Pythons were heads, Coyotes were tails. I googled flip a coin and it landed on tails. The coyote uses it's ingenuity it learned from ACME university and squishes the python with a one ton weight from an impossible height.
Next up are the Royals versus the Coyotes
Fight 3: Now, I know what you are all thinking "how will the Queen of England win against a damn smart coyote" and trust me, I know it sounds silly. But the game was rigged from the start. If you know anything about Queen Elizabeth, you should know that she is literally immortal. The Queen of England is chained to this mortal plane for eternity. So, she uses her god like powers to smite the blasphemous coyote and sends it to the shadow realm.
SLAUGHTERMINI FINALE: Now, the moment we have all been waiting for. Who will be the winner of this very unnecessary DSFL tournament. Well we just saw the Queen of England reveal that she is immortal and has god like powers, so I think it is safe to say that she wins this round and advances to become to Saughtermini champion.
Well that was a whole lot of fun, and we ended up with the same results that we did with the regular DSFL Ultimini. I feel like everyone learned something today. Tune in next time who will end up being the Slaughtermus Champion!
Tijuana Luchadores
A luchador is typically a Mexican wrestler characterized by the colorful masks and garb they tend to wear. Luchadores specialize in grapples and rapid movements which typically try to get their opponent to be pinned or submit. Luchadores are also known for their high flying acrobatic moves which could be used to their advantage in the coming contest. I feel like the Luchadores have a good chance to win it all because of their size strength and speed. Because I don't know many luchadores, I decided to use Rey Mysterio as the champion of the Luchadores. Rey Mysterio is 5'6" and weighs 175 pounds.
Norfolk Seawolves
The Norfolk Seawolves mascot is a submarine. Submarines have missiles. This would be an automatic win for the Seawolves. So, I did a little research to see if I could find any reference to a species of wolf that lives by the sea. Shockingly there are none. So, for this instance I will be using a normal wolf, I apologize to all Seawolf fans, but we have to keep this interesting. If it helps you sleep at night, you can imagine the wolf wearing a pirate hat to give it that sea vibe. I chose to use a standard North American wolf. This wolf is an alpha male and weighs 140 pounds and stands at 2.7 feet high.
Myrtle Beach Buccaneers
The Buccaneers are a feared people who typically sailed in the Caribbean looting and plundering as they went along. This type of pirate terrorized the Caribbean during the 17th and 18th centuries. To keep most of these fights fair, I chose to let the buccaneer to have a weapon of his choice, he chose his trusty flintlock pistol. I will rule later during the rounds how this pistol is used. To make the buccaneer I chose to do the average height of a male in the 18th century. So, he is 5'8" and weighs around 165 pounds.
Dallas Birddogs
There are many different species of bird dogs. I thought long and hard about which species to go with, but I finally settle on a Golden Retriever. Who hates a good boi like a Golden Retriever? I almost chose a Poodle because that would have been very funny, but my parents used to own a Poodle and it bit me so heck Poodles. Golden Retrievers weigh up to 75 pounds and are about 2 feet tall. Such a good boi.
London Royals
The London Royals logo is a lion and the lion is the king of the jungle. But there is no jungle in London and also lions don't live in the jungle so that's really dumb. So, I wracked my brain to and thought who should represent the Royals in this bout to the death. So, I chose the reigning monarch, Queen Elizabeth II. Now I bet you're wondering right now "hey that's not very fair, why do we get some old lady" well I made up this stupid idea, if you wanted to choose you could have done this yourself. Queen Elizabeth is 5'4" I could not find her weight, but you're not supposed to ask a lady her weight so I guess that's ok.
Portland Pythons
With a lot of these entries I had to do a lot of figuring out who should represent their team. With the Pythons, it's just a snake, so I decided to choose a ball python to represent this team. A large ball python can measure up to five feet in length and constricts to kill it's prey.
Kansas City Coyotes
This team is equally as easy. I have never seen a coyote in real life, but I think it's usually the size of a medium sized dog. So, I looked it up and I was right. So, the competitor for this team is 45 pounds and a little over 2 feet tall. According to my research, coyotes usually kill using comically large anvils and elaborate traps that hardly ever work.
Minnesota Grey Ducks
I feel really bad about this entry because my player is actually on the ducks. The Grey Ducks were last in the DSFL in terms of record and I have a strange feeling that is going to be the same coming into this competition. The team's mascot is a duck. We have all seen a duck. The Ducks suck, I can't believe this is happening.
Seeding
I decided to do seeding by record. So, for the SFC number 1st seed are the Luchadores, 2nd seed are the Seawolves, 3rd seed are the Buccaneers, and 4th seed are the Birddogs. For the NFC, the Royals are 1st seed, Pythons are 2nd seed, Coyotes are 3rd seed, and the Grey Ducks are 4th seed.
The Battle for the Slaughtermini
I could not think of a good name for the competition, so I named it the Slaughtermini. Up first will be the SFC division. To start off we have the Luchadores versus the Birddogs.
Fight 1: In this first fake simulation, I feel like Rey Mysterio could take a Golden Retriever. With his signature move, the 619, Rey Mysterio swiftly defeats the Golden Retriever, but he is a horrible person for doing so and should be very ashamed of himself.
Up next is the Seawolves vesus the Buccaneers.
Fight 2: I mentioned earlier that the Buccaneer has a gun, well I decided to roll a d20 to see whether or not he hit. In Dungeons and Dragons 5th edition, a wolf has an armor class of 13. I looked up a d20 roller online, and promptly rolled a 3. The buccaneer misses and is torn to shreds by the wolf. The Seawolves advance to the conference finals.
Fight 3: In this next fight we have Rey Mysterio versus a wolf. Now I've watched Rey wrestle, I do not think he could take a wolf. Have you seen a wolf in real life, these things are brutal killers. Rey Mysterio puts up a good fight but ends up losing horribly.
Now we are going to move onto the NFC. First up is the Royals versus the Grey Ducks.
Fight 1: In this fight we have the Queen of England versus a normal sized duck. The duck walks up to the Queen, she shoos the duck away and the duck flees. The London Royals win by forfeit.
Up next is the Pythons versus the Coyotes.
Fight 2: This fight will probably be the most contested fight in Slaughtermini history. A single coyote versus a single ball python. If i am being honest, I really don't know who will win. So I flipped a coin, Pythons were heads, Coyotes were tails. I googled flip a coin and it landed on tails. The coyote uses it's ingenuity it learned from ACME university and squishes the python with a one ton weight from an impossible height.
Next up are the Royals versus the Coyotes
Fight 3: Now, I know what you are all thinking "how will the Queen of England win against a damn smart coyote" and trust me, I know it sounds silly. But the game was rigged from the start. If you know anything about Queen Elizabeth, you should know that she is literally immortal. The Queen of England is chained to this mortal plane for eternity. So, she uses her god like powers to smite the blasphemous coyote and sends it to the shadow realm.
SLAUGHTERMINI FINALE: Now, the moment we have all been waiting for. Who will be the winner of this very unnecessary DSFL tournament. Well we just saw the Queen of England reveal that she is immortal and has god like powers, so I think it is safe to say that she wins this round and advances to become to Saughtermini champion.
Well that was a whole lot of fun, and we ended up with the same results that we did with the regular DSFL Ultimini. I feel like everyone learned something today. Tune in next time who will end up being the Slaughtermus Champion!