Portland Pythons: Good, Bad, and Ugly. Season wrap-up edition
Well it turns out that writing a weekly series becomes much more difficult once you end up in the war room and sim testing. I need money after buying equipment so I’m going to sum up the entire season into five good, five bad, and five ugly points. I’ve had a couple people tell me that they actually read these, so that’s cool. Thanks guys.
Portland had a deceptive season; the team was much, much better than their record indicated. They finished the season 6-8, which was good enough for second in the NFC, beating the Kansas City Purple Weeb Dogs on the third tiebreaker (points for) for the playoff berth. The season ended brutally, in a 22-3 drubbing at eventual champions London that was simultaneously better and worse than the score line indicated. Portland has a number of players up for seasonal awards including the favorite for MVP, Sam Howitzer.
Anyways, let’s do this, shall we?
**This is my opinion only and if some stats or facts are wrong in here, my bad**
The Good:
1. Individual excellence across all phases of the game
While Portland might not have had the winning record they were hoping for this season, that blame can’t be place upon their stars. Almost every major player on the Pythons is up for at least their positional award, and some are even up for bigger awards like offensive player of the year, defensive player of the year, and most valuable player.
Sam Howitzer was one touchdown pass away from matching the DSFL record, and did so on incredible efficiency, throwing only a handful of interceptions. This earned him the highest quarterback rating in the league and has his as the frontrunner for MVP, OPotY, and QBoty. Not to say I told you so but I did predict that he would have a great season now that he finally was surrounded by talent on his level in the passing game.
Speaking of talent in the passing game, Korbin Brown has been the biggest breakout star for Portland this season. After having an unimpressive rookie season, he stepped up in a big way in both the passing game and as a returner. Korbin is in contention for WRotY, he is in the top three for touchdown receptions, receptions, and yards. While his average yards per reception are not as high as some other competitors, this is to be expected as he was basically the only WR for the Pythons for the first half of the season. As a returner, he posted the most kick return yards and was the only player with a kick return touchdown and a punt return touchdown. Korbin’s returning ability single-handedly changed the momentum in games and hopefully this is affirmed during the awards ceremony.
Joel Drake is another Portland Python who excelled this year. He posted the most defensive touchdowns this season and was near the top of all safeties in tackles, interceptions, and passes defended. He is in contention for defensive player of the year as well as safety of the year. These stats show that Joel served both as a run stuffer and as a coverage safety, making him a nightmare to play against.
Kicker is one of the most overlooked positions, but Pseudo QB brought eyes like few had before him. He posted a perfect 100% kick accuracy with the most attempts and makes on the year, along with having the longest field goal of the season. He did miss an extra point, but without a doubt, Pseudo QB was the best kicker in the league.
Continuing on the theme of special teams, punter Blago Kokot deserves the punter of the year award. Blago singlehandedly kept the Pythons in games that they had no right to be in. He had the longest punt of the season and the highest punt average for the season.
Beyond these five superstars, there were many other Pythons players that may be hearing their named called on awards night. OL Chuck Roth had the second-best season for an OL and is a finalist for OL of the year. DE Etrigan T. Slayer recorded the most TFLs in the DSFL this season and added many normal tackles too. He is in contention for DE of the year. CB Dan Foster is another rookie that had a fantastic season and will be in contention for CB of the year.
The Pythons had a standout player at almost every position this season.
2. Peaceful transfer of power to a young war room
Ding dong, the witch qWest is dead! GMs qWest and Kanako announced they decided to step down a little more than halfway through the season. This gave them plenty of time to pick replacements, and they did a great job with it. RDBSouthPaw and FuriousPanda are great users and will represent the Pythons well going forward. The Pythons boast one of the youngest war rooms, with only SabaDonut and FuriousPanda being “old” users. The war room has two S25 guys in it already, with zEagle1 and Arkz already becoming major contributors. The war room has revamped the team locker room and turned Portland into one of the hottest destinations for prospects. This is coupled with an increased focus on scouting, which will surely pay off for the Pythons and turn them into Ultimini contenders.
3. Playoffs!
No you’re not imagining it, Portland made the playoffs! For the first time in a couple seasons, Portland had the opportunity to compete for the Ultimini. It didn’t go great. A 22-3 loss to London in the conference championship game was a sobering reminder that there are levels to this game. Just making the playoffs is a huge event for Portland, who had spent the last couple years as NFC cellar-dwellers, and came in dead last in the DSFL last year. This playoff berth was made sweeter by making the playoffs over arch-rival Kansas City. We don’t like them (Glims is cool tho) (Probably some other people too idk). Portland can build on this success and become a perennial contender for the future.
4. Rookies developed into contributors
The outgoing GMs absolutely crushed it in the draft. First overall pick Davriel Lavigne was quiet in the locker room but has been a max earner. Second round pick Dan Foster is already in the war room and was a max earner. Third pick Darren Parma had a quiet year as Portland’s rushing offense wasn’t very good, but he was a max earner and wrote a ton of good media. Dave Batista is a phenomenal user and earner, and provided some very helpful sim advice to the sim testing team. Etrigin T. Slayer earned Ok and definitely liked to talk in the locker room. Chuck Roth in the fifth round is an absolute steal and I’ve heard that his user is really funny. Donald McBobby and Angelo Cirelli back to back at 47 and 48 is crazy, as both were max earners and were great locker room presences. Honky-Tonk Haywood at 57 is anther great value pick, as he max earned as well. Matty Martinsson had one of the best seasons for a rookie linebacker and he was picked at 89! There were some other contributors too, but these were the max earning big boys.
5. Offense is the best defense
Portland had the best scoring offense in the league. This is due to fantastic special teams play. Every time Portland’s offense got the ball inside the opponent’s 30-yard line, it was a guaranteed 3 points, and usually ended up being 7 points. Returner Korbin Brown served as instant offense, consistently giving Portland great field position and adding a couple scores of his own. QB Sam Howitzer is another big performer, as he had one of the best DSFL QB seasons ever, scoring 21 touchdowns. The defense also helped out a great deal, adding several touchdowns of their own to the mix. This high scoring offense helped overcome a lack of run game and a slightly leaky defense.
The Bad:
1. Key players getting called up
The problem with having good players is that they get called up much more quickly. Sam Howitzer was involved in a blockbuster trade that resulted in him being anointed as the first ever QB for the newest expansion team, the New York Silverbacks. WR Korbin Brown will be going up to Baltimore to hopefully make them suck less, which is a tall task. LB Brach Thomaslacher is going up to Yellow Knife. S Joel Drake is going up to Colorado. Tons of great players are gone, and a few more will probably follow them after the draft. Max earners in positions that can contribute at low TPE like OL Chuck Roth and DTs Honky-Tonk Haywood and Angelo Cerilli might also be gone. These losses will leave gaping holes in the Pythons’ lineup that will be hard to fill in this relatively thin and top-heavy draft class.
2. Lack of draft capital
Compounding the fact that the Pythons will be losing a lot of key players is that they have depleted draft capital. Portland traded their second round pick to the purple weeb dogs of named-after-the-wrong-state city for Brach Thomaslacher. While the trade was undoubtedly worth it as Brach instantly became a key player and user RDBSouthPaw is now GM and is a great guy. Despite this great addition, there are some great prospects that the war room gave a second round grade that they will certainly miss out on. There was some talk of moving the fifth overall pick, but nothing manifested in that regard.
3. Rushing offense? More like slowing offense
Portland’s running offense was the worst in the league by some margin. Portland had three active RBs on the roster and a solid OL, so this comes as a big surprise from my pre-season predictions. Portland definitely ran a run-heavy scheme for most of the year, so it is even more confounding the more you think about it. Hopefully Darren Pama and crew can grow over the off season and carry the team next season.
4. Scoring offense and defense outperformed yards per game metrics
Portland had the highest scoring offense in the league, which is an incredible accomplishment for a team that went 6-8. The problem is that Portland had the least rushing yards per game and only the third best passing yards per game. I imagine this is a product of the great return game and the defense scoring and getting takeaways. This scoring pace is not replicable and this will likely show next season, with Portland regressing to the scoring mean.
5. An oof to end the season
Yeah let’s just pretend that the playoff game got cancelled due to COVID and London won a coinflip to advance. At least the Portland locker room got a funny copy pasta out of it. Thanks, Zamir.
The Ugly:
1. Winning the hard ones, losing the easy ones
As a sim tester, this season was a roller coaster. We lost twice to a terrible Minnesota Grey Ducks team, once to Dallas in overtime, and twice to a mediocre Myrtle Beach squad. We were the testing favorite in all these games except at Myrtle Beach. Sim gonna Sim, I guess. On the converse, Portland swept the regular season series with London, won at Tijuana, and won at Norfolk. The theme here is that we couldn’t win home games. Sim gonna sim. Nothing like testing at 70%+ and losing. Multiple times. Consecutively. Pain.
2. Losing one score games
Making the 6-8 record more painful, out of Portland’s eight regular season losses. Only week one versus Norfolk and week 11 at Kansas City were losses by more than one score. Six one score losses has to be some kind of record in the DSFL. Portland’s inability to win close games cost them the #1 seed in the North, and with a bit more luck, they could have been in contention for home field advantage throughout the playoffs. Sigh. What could’ve been.
3. Terrible home record
Somehow the Pythons made the playoffs with a pitiful 2-5 home record. Out of those five losses, we were testing above 70% for three of them, and above 75% for two of them. I hate the sim. Coming up with a single additional win would’ve meant getting the #1 seed in the north. I hate the sim.
It turns out that the only ugly thing about Portland is their record and the oddities that caused it. I love my team and I can’t wait to run it back with them.
Well it turns out that writing a weekly series becomes much more difficult once you end up in the war room and sim testing. I need money after buying equipment so I’m going to sum up the entire season into five good, five bad, and five ugly points. I’ve had a couple people tell me that they actually read these, so that’s cool. Thanks guys.
Portland had a deceptive season; the team was much, much better than their record indicated. They finished the season 6-8, which was good enough for second in the NFC, beating the Kansas City Purple Weeb Dogs on the third tiebreaker (points for) for the playoff berth. The season ended brutally, in a 22-3 drubbing at eventual champions London that was simultaneously better and worse than the score line indicated. Portland has a number of players up for seasonal awards including the favorite for MVP, Sam Howitzer.
Anyways, let’s do this, shall we?
**This is my opinion only and if some stats or facts are wrong in here, my bad**
The Good:
1. Individual excellence across all phases of the game
While Portland might not have had the winning record they were hoping for this season, that blame can’t be place upon their stars. Almost every major player on the Pythons is up for at least their positional award, and some are even up for bigger awards like offensive player of the year, defensive player of the year, and most valuable player.
Sam Howitzer was one touchdown pass away from matching the DSFL record, and did so on incredible efficiency, throwing only a handful of interceptions. This earned him the highest quarterback rating in the league and has his as the frontrunner for MVP, OPotY, and QBoty. Not to say I told you so but I did predict that he would have a great season now that he finally was surrounded by talent on his level in the passing game.
Speaking of talent in the passing game, Korbin Brown has been the biggest breakout star for Portland this season. After having an unimpressive rookie season, he stepped up in a big way in both the passing game and as a returner. Korbin is in contention for WRotY, he is in the top three for touchdown receptions, receptions, and yards. While his average yards per reception are not as high as some other competitors, this is to be expected as he was basically the only WR for the Pythons for the first half of the season. As a returner, he posted the most kick return yards and was the only player with a kick return touchdown and a punt return touchdown. Korbin’s returning ability single-handedly changed the momentum in games and hopefully this is affirmed during the awards ceremony.
Joel Drake is another Portland Python who excelled this year. He posted the most defensive touchdowns this season and was near the top of all safeties in tackles, interceptions, and passes defended. He is in contention for defensive player of the year as well as safety of the year. These stats show that Joel served both as a run stuffer and as a coverage safety, making him a nightmare to play against.
Kicker is one of the most overlooked positions, but Pseudo QB brought eyes like few had before him. He posted a perfect 100% kick accuracy with the most attempts and makes on the year, along with having the longest field goal of the season. He did miss an extra point, but without a doubt, Pseudo QB was the best kicker in the league.
Continuing on the theme of special teams, punter Blago Kokot deserves the punter of the year award. Blago singlehandedly kept the Pythons in games that they had no right to be in. He had the longest punt of the season and the highest punt average for the season.
Beyond these five superstars, there were many other Pythons players that may be hearing their named called on awards night. OL Chuck Roth had the second-best season for an OL and is a finalist for OL of the year. DE Etrigan T. Slayer recorded the most TFLs in the DSFL this season and added many normal tackles too. He is in contention for DE of the year. CB Dan Foster is another rookie that had a fantastic season and will be in contention for CB of the year.
The Pythons had a standout player at almost every position this season.
2. Peaceful transfer of power to a young war room
Ding dong, the witch qWest is dead! GMs qWest and Kanako announced they decided to step down a little more than halfway through the season. This gave them plenty of time to pick replacements, and they did a great job with it. RDBSouthPaw and FuriousPanda are great users and will represent the Pythons well going forward. The Pythons boast one of the youngest war rooms, with only SabaDonut and FuriousPanda being “old” users. The war room has two S25 guys in it already, with zEagle1 and Arkz already becoming major contributors. The war room has revamped the team locker room and turned Portland into one of the hottest destinations for prospects. This is coupled with an increased focus on scouting, which will surely pay off for the Pythons and turn them into Ultimini contenders.
3. Playoffs!
No you’re not imagining it, Portland made the playoffs! For the first time in a couple seasons, Portland had the opportunity to compete for the Ultimini. It didn’t go great. A 22-3 loss to London in the conference championship game was a sobering reminder that there are levels to this game. Just making the playoffs is a huge event for Portland, who had spent the last couple years as NFC cellar-dwellers, and came in dead last in the DSFL last year. This playoff berth was made sweeter by making the playoffs over arch-rival Kansas City. We don’t like them (Glims is cool tho) (Probably some other people too idk). Portland can build on this success and become a perennial contender for the future.
4. Rookies developed into contributors
The outgoing GMs absolutely crushed it in the draft. First overall pick Davriel Lavigne was quiet in the locker room but has been a max earner. Second round pick Dan Foster is already in the war room and was a max earner. Third pick Darren Parma had a quiet year as Portland’s rushing offense wasn’t very good, but he was a max earner and wrote a ton of good media. Dave Batista is a phenomenal user and earner, and provided some very helpful sim advice to the sim testing team. Etrigin T. Slayer earned Ok and definitely liked to talk in the locker room. Chuck Roth in the fifth round is an absolute steal and I’ve heard that his user is really funny. Donald McBobby and Angelo Cirelli back to back at 47 and 48 is crazy, as both were max earners and were great locker room presences. Honky-Tonk Haywood at 57 is anther great value pick, as he max earned as well. Matty Martinsson had one of the best seasons for a rookie linebacker and he was picked at 89! There were some other contributors too, but these were the max earning big boys.
5. Offense is the best defense
Portland had the best scoring offense in the league. This is due to fantastic special teams play. Every time Portland’s offense got the ball inside the opponent’s 30-yard line, it was a guaranteed 3 points, and usually ended up being 7 points. Returner Korbin Brown served as instant offense, consistently giving Portland great field position and adding a couple scores of his own. QB Sam Howitzer is another big performer, as he had one of the best DSFL QB seasons ever, scoring 21 touchdowns. The defense also helped out a great deal, adding several touchdowns of their own to the mix. This high scoring offense helped overcome a lack of run game and a slightly leaky defense.
The Bad:
1. Key players getting called up
The problem with having good players is that they get called up much more quickly. Sam Howitzer was involved in a blockbuster trade that resulted in him being anointed as the first ever QB for the newest expansion team, the New York Silverbacks. WR Korbin Brown will be going up to Baltimore to hopefully make them suck less, which is a tall task. LB Brach Thomaslacher is going up to Yellow Knife. S Joel Drake is going up to Colorado. Tons of great players are gone, and a few more will probably follow them after the draft. Max earners in positions that can contribute at low TPE like OL Chuck Roth and DTs Honky-Tonk Haywood and Angelo Cerilli might also be gone. These losses will leave gaping holes in the Pythons’ lineup that will be hard to fill in this relatively thin and top-heavy draft class.
2. Lack of draft capital
Compounding the fact that the Pythons will be losing a lot of key players is that they have depleted draft capital. Portland traded their second round pick to the purple weeb dogs of named-after-the-wrong-state city for Brach Thomaslacher. While the trade was undoubtedly worth it as Brach instantly became a key player and user RDBSouthPaw is now GM and is a great guy. Despite this great addition, there are some great prospects that the war room gave a second round grade that they will certainly miss out on. There was some talk of moving the fifth overall pick, but nothing manifested in that regard.
3. Rushing offense? More like slowing offense
Portland’s running offense was the worst in the league by some margin. Portland had three active RBs on the roster and a solid OL, so this comes as a big surprise from my pre-season predictions. Portland definitely ran a run-heavy scheme for most of the year, so it is even more confounding the more you think about it. Hopefully Darren Pama and crew can grow over the off season and carry the team next season.
4. Scoring offense and defense outperformed yards per game metrics
Portland had the highest scoring offense in the league, which is an incredible accomplishment for a team that went 6-8. The problem is that Portland had the least rushing yards per game and only the third best passing yards per game. I imagine this is a product of the great return game and the defense scoring and getting takeaways. This scoring pace is not replicable and this will likely show next season, with Portland regressing to the scoring mean.
5. An oof to end the season
Yeah let’s just pretend that the playoff game got cancelled due to COVID and London won a coinflip to advance. At least the Portland locker room got a funny copy pasta out of it. Thanks, Zamir.
The Ugly:
1. Winning the hard ones, losing the easy ones
As a sim tester, this season was a roller coaster. We lost twice to a terrible Minnesota Grey Ducks team, once to Dallas in overtime, and twice to a mediocre Myrtle Beach squad. We were the testing favorite in all these games except at Myrtle Beach. Sim gonna Sim, I guess. On the converse, Portland swept the regular season series with London, won at Tijuana, and won at Norfolk. The theme here is that we couldn’t win home games. Sim gonna sim. Nothing like testing at 70%+ and losing. Multiple times. Consecutively. Pain.
2. Losing one score games
Making the 6-8 record more painful, out of Portland’s eight regular season losses. Only week one versus Norfolk and week 11 at Kansas City were losses by more than one score. Six one score losses has to be some kind of record in the DSFL. Portland’s inability to win close games cost them the #1 seed in the North, and with a bit more luck, they could have been in contention for home field advantage throughout the playoffs. Sigh. What could’ve been.
3. Terrible home record
Somehow the Pythons made the playoffs with a pitiful 2-5 home record. Out of those five losses, we were testing above 70% for three of them, and above 75% for two of them. I hate the sim. Coming up with a single additional win would’ve meant getting the #1 seed in the north. I hate the sim.
It turns out that the only ugly thing about Portland is their record and the oddities that caused it. I love my team and I can’t wait to run it back with them.
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