ISFL Season 25 draft my favorite name(s) team
I have decided due to a combination of boredom and desire for money to create a team of players by selecting the most unorthodox/silly/ just outright my favorite names from the recent Season 25 ISFL draft.
I have also decided to include the players stats from the previous season, because I am a crazy person and I really like stats.
I'm going to say a little tidbit about what I think of them based on almost nothing outside of my personal knowledge and maybe what I have seen in the forums in regards to the player. Some of them I will most likely pull up their wiki page and do a little reading to see if I can learn anything about their player and maybe learn how they came up with the name.
Disclaimer: Anything and everything I say in this article is purely for humor purposes, Please do not take offense to anything that I say in regards to your player name as I am doing so in jest and what I say is no reflection of how I feel of you as a user or a player. I feel like I ended up veering in a certain direction on some of these and I based most of this info purely on name alone. Laugh at me, Laugh with me.
OFFENSE:
Quarterback: Jackie Daytona
Round 2 Pick #25 Austin Copperheads
DSFL Team: Myrtle Beach Buccaneers
Relevant Stats
Rushing Attempts: 15
Rushing Yards: 18
Passes Completed: 125
Passing Attempts: 225
Yards: 1305
Percentage: 55.6
Touchdowns: 13
Interceptions: 3
QB Rating: 86.3
Why:
He's your average American yankee doodle dandy. Besides not really having many other Quarterbacks with silly or ridiculous names in this draft I happen to be a huge fan of what we do in the shadows.
Jackie Daytona just sounds like a racecar driver or a bartender or a famous poker player. Everyone has their own image of Jackie Daytona in their heads, maybe some cowboy boots or a race jacket and a Marlboro hanging out of his mouth while he yells at some Latino looking fellows in the Menards parking lot to go back to their own country not knowing that those fellows were born in a hospital not 20 miles from Jackie's hometown.
Perhaps Jackie will be featured in McDonalds commercials in the future, explaining that your kids can grow up big and strong so long as they get Milk with their Big Macs and Apples with their French Fries, That is until at some point a recorded phone conversation between him and his estranged wife gets released to the public revealing some disgusting language and horrible misogyny. Maybe McDonalds will drop him at that point until he comes back with a revitalized and sober look at life, and then he can make tons of money from book sales and speaking tours.
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RunningBack 1: Mike RotchBurns
Round 4 Pick #52 New Orleans Second Line
DSFL Team: Minnesota Grey Ducks
Relevant Stats
Rushing Attempts: 217
Rushing Yards: 1017
Rushing Average: 4.7
Rushing Touchdowns: 6
Receptions: 7
Receiving Yards: 36
Receiving Touchdowns: 1
Why:
Not only was he a teammate of mine on the Minnesota Greyducks but also I can never get over a good crotch joke. Out of all the names he could have went with for a last name here (hunt, hawk etc) he managed to pick one that I have never heard of and also one that it took me far too long to get the joke on.
Mike Rotchburns seems like the type of guy you would want to lay some plastic down before you let him sit on your couch, and definitely make sure none of your teenage daughters are in the house when you invite him over.
Somewhere Mike has a nephew that refers to him as "That Uncle" because he offered him a beer at the age of 10 and also taught him so many four letter words.
His favorite beer is probably Steel reserve or maybe Coors banquet.
Despite all that I feel like Mike would be loyal to a fault and probably definitely offer to kick that old guys ass who cut in front of you in line at the gas station, leaving you to drag him out of there while forgetting your purchase as you avoid yet another confrontation with the police.
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RunningBack 2: Terry Yaki
Round 5 Pick #64 Arizona Outlaws
DSFL Team: London Royals
Relevant Stats
Rushing Attempts: 230
Rushing Yards: 1032
Rushing Average: 4.5
Rushing Touchdowns: 6
Receptions: 12
Receiving Yards: 80
Receiving Touchdowns: 0
Why:
To be honest here, I just fucking love Teriyaki. The other day I picked up some wings from a nice little hole in the wall place near my girlfriends house. Well I guess it used to be a hole in the wall kind of place but then they blew up because they have super great wings. I mean they legitimately have like 40 different flavors of wings. So I got these wings called the Kamikaze wings, which is Teriyaki with a spicy kick, and I gotta say they may have been the best damn wings I ever had. On the contrary I also got some Salsa Verde wings, which sounds really good in practice but then you eat them and you're all like "Fuck man these are just wings with Green salsa on them"; Not bad but disappointingly mundane in comparison to the absolute mouthgasm you had moments before with the Kamikaze wings.
Okay I'm gonna get wings for lunch.
Gee thanks Terry.
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Wide Receiver 1: Killian Chambers
Round 2 Pick #17 Philadelphia Liberty
DSFL Team: Minnesota Grey Ducks
Relevant Stats
Receptions: 33
Yards: 428
Average: 13
Touchdowns: 1
Why:
Another Ducks Teammate of mine.
Killian Chambers sounds like it could be the name of so many different things, perhaps a supervillain?
Or maybe a hype man in a hip hop supergroup "Catch that ball by 3rd Street Savage ft. Killian Chambers"
I can't put my finger on a fictional character in my head for this one so I leave you with his official title in my head.
Chambers, Killian : Space Pilot, Fighter pilot, Supervillain, Rapper, Adult Film Star, Philanthropist, Dinosaur wrangler, Pyrotechnician, sous chef, Jar opening Expert, that guy who says "We're taking in water" in every movie involving a boat; Legend
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Wide Receiver 2: Willy Weasel
Round 7 Pick #96 Sarasota Sailfish
DSFL Team: Minnesota Grey Ducks
Relevant Stats
Receptions: 16
Yards: 146
Average: 9.1
Touchdowns: 0
Why:
Why did I decide to do this? I feel like I overcommitted to the first few and now I'm quickly running out of steam.
Just Kidding.
Willy Weasel seems to be like a cartoon / sitcom character who isn't a villain but is just overall that greasy guy who nobody trusts. Like Chang in community.
You want to open your heart to Willy Weasel, you want to help him because you think he can change. So you take him in and let him be a part of the group and the next thing you know he has eloped with your grandmother and insists you start to call him pappy. Pappy is wayyyy too affectionate with grandma in public spaces and it makes your stomach turn but honestly he treats her pretty good and you've never seen her smile this much in a while so you kinda let it slide.
Until he gets you the wrong type of Space Jam toy for Christmas and he always insists on that one version of Jingle bells where she's all " JAJAJA JINGLE BELLS JINGLE BELLS" and you really hate that version so you beg your grandma to get a divorce but she won't.
Curse you Weasel.
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Offensive Line 1: Medicinal Toblerone
Round 1 Pick #10 New Orleans Second Line
DSFL Team: Myrtle Beach Buccaneers
Relevant Stats
Pancakes: 30
Sacks Allowed: 4
Why:
How could I not include this?
I don't know how I could expound upon the concept of a sentient Toblerone who is somehow an effective lineman who also makes others just like feel good when they are around him.
I will say this though, Have you seen how they shrunk the size of Toblerones to make sure the bar stays the same price? I mean I get it but how do you make that call? Maybe I want to pay more and get the same Toblerone I remember instead of keeping the price the same and pulling out that disappointing bullshit. That doesn't feel medicinal to me, that feels angrydicinal to me.
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Offensive Line 2: Duncan Donuts
Round 6 Pick #75 Chicago Butchers
DSFL Team: Dallas Birddogs
Relevant Stats
Pancakes: 28
Sacks Allowed: 3
Why:
So I tried Duncan Donuts the other day when I was heading home after spending a weekend at my Girlfriends house.
I was like holy crap there's a duncan we gotta stop! I had never had Duncan Donuts and I had already eaten breakfast but that wasn't going to stop me from experiencing this iconic brand. So I got a breakfast sandwich (crossaint / sausage sammich kinda thing) and one of those iced mocha dealies all the teenyboppers are talking about these days. I gotta say that was some damn good sammich and coffee action. So if this player is anything like Duncan donuts I'm sure HR is gonna get called into the Butchers locker room at some point due to harassment.
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Offensive Line 3: Clay Stallworth
Round 2 Pick # 26 Sarasota Sailfish
DSFL Team: Kansas City Coyotes
Relevant Stats
Pancakes: 71
Sacks Allowed: 2
Why:
This dude just sounds like a dick-swinging American hero.
I mean we're talking Ex-Sealteam, square shouldered bald headed Jocko Willink looking kinda dude. One who no matter how accomplished you are you look at him and think "Am I a beta?"
You see this guy walk past you in a supermarket with all of his macro diet shit in his cart with his veins popping out looking like he just finished his four hour morning workout as you pile premade pulled pork and white ballpark buns into your cart, out of breath from all the walking you've done in the six minutes since you walked into the grocery store.
You resolve to yourself that you're definitely going to start using that rowing machine you bought on sale six months ago and used once.
The next morning you get fast food for Breakfast and decide you'll start monday because it will be easier to keep track.
You don't start Monday.
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Offensive Line 4: Felix Archstone
Round 1 Pick #6 Baltimore Hawks
DSFL Team: Kansas City Coyotes
Relevant Stats
Pancakes: 34
Sacks Allowed: 2
Why:
Felix Archstone, Wizard of the 7th Realm of Gnaiorus, Master of Blocking and Wind, Manipulator of Defensive Lineman, Devourer of LineBackers, Champion of the great Turf of Kerra'Ta, The elves know him as F'long Arraka, The dwarves know him as Zargoth Baratollsith, He is known in the Northeast as Farisithis Meistar and there may be other secret names you do not yet know about.
I'm saying he sounds like a wizard.
like a really neat wizard that shoots fireballs and gently but firmly guides a young hero to their destiny.
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Offensive Line 5: Smitty Mcghee
Round 7 Pick #90 Austin Copperheads
DSFL Team: Dallas Birddogs
Relevant Stats
Pancakes: 46
Sacks Allowed: 4
Why:
I just honestly love the name Smitty and Mcgee is something that I went through a phase in highschool with, calling everybody this mcgee and that mcgee.
"Hey look at that guy, he has long pants. LONG PANTS MCGEE"
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Offensive Line 6: Hugh Mcgree
Round 8 Pick #105 Honolulu Hahalua
DSFL Team: Portland Pythons
Relevant Stats
Pancakes: 22
Sacks Allowed: 1
Why:
Something about the seemingly dull nature of the name Hugh Mcgree drew me in.
Is this man really a Pillar of the community? With his job as a baker and his wife and two kids.
Or is that Darkness in his eyes real? The pitch black, nothing behind it stare, you can almost smell the anguish that he has caused and the lament of the voices still screaming for help. Does he really go out at night for runs or is he up to something else?
Those long hunting trips...are they really hunting trips?
Makes a hell of a scone though.
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Tight End 1: Cmon Skiuuup
Round 5 Pick #69 Berlin Fire Salamanders
DSFL Team: Dallas Birddogs
Relevant Stats
Receptions: 44
Yards: 312
Average: 7.1
Touchdowns: 0
Pancakes: 14
Sacks Allowed: 0
Why:
I laughed my ass off every. single. time. this name came up in the simulator.
Honestly I googled it just to see if I understood it correctly but it turns out its from Skip and Shannon: UNDISPUTED.
While I am familiar with the show and I love football, I would rather scoop out my eyes with a rusty spoon then ever watch more then a 1 minute clip of it online.
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Tight End 2: Cleg Manclaw
Round 4 Pick #51 Sarasota Sailfish
DSFL Team: Minnesota Grey Ducks
Relevant Stats
Receptions: 26
Yards: 136
Average: 5.2
Touchdowns: 0
Pancakes: 23
Sacks Allowed: 2
Why:
Straight up sounds like a character from the venture bros.
I want to say he's an associate of Brock Samson's that after an industrial accident had to have one of his hands replaced with a badass claw, and now he catches everything that comes his way.
But he could also be one of the Villains, stealing stuff with his manly manclaw
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Kicker / Punter: Bill Brasky
Round 8 Pick #112 San Jose Sabercats
DSFL Team: Minnesota Grey Ducks
Relevant Stats
Extra Point Made: 18
Extra Point Attempt: 19
Extra Point Percentage: 94.7
Field Goal Made: 19
Field Goal Attempted: 23
Field Goal Percentage: 82.6
<20 yards: 0/0
20 - 29 yards: 4/5
30 - 39 yards: 6/7
40 - 49 yards: 9/11
50+ yards: 0/0
Long: 47 Yards
Why:
"TO BILL BRASKY"
If you have every seen the classic, Iconic SNL skit then you would understand why I picked this name.
But to give you an idea I have cherry picked some interesting quotes about everyone's buddy Bill Brasky.
“He taught me how to love a woman — and how to scold a child.”
“He hated Mexicans! And he was half-Mexican! And he hated irony!”
“He wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.”
“I once saw him scissor-kick Angela Lansbury.”
“He once punched a hole in a cow just so he could see who was coming up the road.”
“Brasky got his wife pregnant and she gave birth to a delicious 16-ounce steak. The afterbirth was sauteed mushrooms.”
I mean how do you not love it?
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DEFENSE:
Safety 1: Xmus Flaxon Jaxon-Waxon
Round 2 Pick #28 San Jose Sabercats
DSFL Team: Norfolk Seawolves
Relevant Stats:
Tackles: 75
Tackles for Loss: 0
Forced Fumble / Fumble Recovery: 0/0
Sacks: 6
Interceptions: 0
Pass Defenses: 0
Touchdowns:0
Why:
Straight out of my favorite Key and Peele skit I get a laugh everytime I see a name like this.
I can only picture the deadpan look in his eyes everytime the man has to recite his own name.
I only wonder what some parents think when they name their children, perhaps they hate the baby straight away and hope that the most difficult thing the child has to learn is writing its own name at the top of every single test paper they receive in school.
But my thought is, some parents name their kids these types of names because they just know that with a name like that they either have to be a pro wrestler, a movie star or a professional football player.
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Safety 2: D'Brickashaw Minshew Sr.
Round 8 Pick #107 Chicago Butchers
DSFL Team: Dallas Birddogs
Relevant Stats:
Tackles: ?
Tackles for Loss: ?
Forced Fumble / Fumble Recovery: ?/?
Sacks: ?
Interceptions: ?
Pass Defenses: ?
Touchdowns: ?
Why:
No really why? I cannot find this player listed in the DSFL index. I looked for like, a while.
Not being able to post stats here is really killing my vibes. How do I know if he was good?
D'Brickashaw is the coolest fucking name of all time. Period, made all the better by the fact that everytime I hear the name D'Brickashaw while watching football I say "Coolest fucking name of all time right?" to whoever is sitting next to me. Which is usually met with some skepticism but eventual agreement.
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Cornerback 1: Swantavius Jones
Round 1 Pick #1 Berlin Fire Salamanders
DSFL Team: London Royals
Relevant Stats:
Tackles: 73
Tackles for Loss: 0
Forced Fumble / Fumble Recovery: 2/2
Sacks: 1
Interceptions: 2
Pass Defenses: 9
Touchdowns: 0
Why:
I love combining ridiculous shit with one hundred percent normal stuff. This name is fun because of the perfectly normal last name in addition to the completely insane first name.
Other great names would be like
(Please share credit if you steal these for a future player)
Wonkilious Smith
Buckminster Johnson
Fart Williams
BarkBarkOpolopolis Brown
Snarklitius Garcia
ZootSuitBlueRoot Davis
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CornerBack 2: Jeeeeroy Lenkins
Round 5 Pick #57 Berlin Fire Salamanders
DSFL Team: Minnesota Grey Ducks
Relevant Stats:
Tackles: 47
Tackles for Loss: 0
Forced Fumble / Fumble Recovery: 2/0
Sacks: 2
Interceptions: 0
Pass Defenses: 1
Touchdowns: 0
Why:
*Sigh* Christ.
This dude needs new shoulders pads and your team only has a 32.33 (repeating of course) chance of winning the game and keeping enough fans to be able to afford them you can almost guarantee that he is going to blow his coverage trying to jump a route and lose the game because he didn't stay in the prevent defense.
But at least he has chicken.
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Linebacker 1: Wasrabi Gleel
Round 3 Pick #35 Chicago Butchers
DSFL Team: Minnesota Grey Ducks
Relevant Stats
Tackles: 105
Tackles for Loss: 4
Forced Fumble / Fumble Recovery: 0/0
Sacks: 5
Interceptions: 1
Pass Defenses: 3
Touchdowns: 0
Why:
Say it. Just say the name. Its like you're trying to chew molasses and caramel at the same time. Have I ever once pronounced this right? Probably not. Do I like saying it? Hell yeah.
Whenever you need a snack just whip this name out and try to say it a few times fast, you'll be chewing on that shit for hours trying to get it out correctly.
Realistically it sounds like some kind of poetic alien from Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy, come to join up with the crew and help save out protagonist from certain destruction.
I'll get to the next one as soon as I finishing chewing this one.
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Linebacker 2: Rusty Rucker
Round 2 Pick #23 Honolulu Hahalua
DSFL Team: Norfolk Seawolves
Relevant Stats
Tackles: 91
Tackles for Loss: 4
Forced Fumble / Fumble Recovery: 1/0
Sacks: 7
Interceptions: 0
Pass Defenses: 5
Touchdowns: 0
Why:
Honestly? King of the hill. I just picture Rusty Shackleford and it makes me so happy.
Now everytime I see this name come up I'm going to picture Dale Gribble in a football helmet with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth screaming something about "Squirrel Tactics" and its gonna make me happy everytime.
You do you Dale. (I mean Rusty )
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Linebacker 3: Dean Mcbean
Round 8 Pick #104 Arizona Outlaws
DSFL Team: Norfolk Seawolves
Relevant Stats
Tackles: 4
Tackles for Loss: 0
Forced Fumble / Fumble Recovery: 0/0
Sacks: 0
Interceptions: 0
Pass Defenses: 0
Touchdowns: 0
Why:
Most honest answer I'm gonna give you today, There weren't many funny linebacker names in this draft.
But it feels unfair to not add more, so like picture an accountant. Probably looks like Dilbert from the comics. Likes to brew his own IPA. Wife probably resents him.
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Defensive Tackle 1: Goat Tank
Round 1 Pick #11 Orange County Otters
DSFL Team: Myrtle Beach Buccaneers
Relevant Stats
Tackles: 59
Tackles for Loss: 2
Forced Fumble / Fumble Recovery: 3/3
Sacks: 7
Interceptions: 0
Pass Defenses: 0
Safeties: 1
Touchdowns: 0
Why:
Of course I had to pick Goat Tank.
We fucking get it, Greatest of all time + Tank. Or maybe its a goat that has tracks like a tank. Or maybe its a tank that's shaped like a goat.
Maybe its a tank that holds goats. Give me a fucking break.
I honestly have nothing against this name or user but for the whole first month when I joined up, every damn forum post and every discord was littered with GOAT TANK this, GOAT TANK that, GOAT TANK HIT ME WITH A WIFFLE BALL BAT.
I'm pretty sure one post was literally just the words Goat Tank.
To clarify, if you are in the middle of tank combat and your abraham is in anyway related to a goat, its gonna wander off and try to eat a jeep while you continue to take machine gun fire.
Second, a Goat can't drive a tank, I feel like a team of super smart goats can't drive a tank. Also a terrible idea.
Third, Don't keep goats in a tank, What if it rains? They could drown.
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Defensive Tackle 2: Sheed Thebaw
Round 4 Pick #47 Yellowknife Wraiths
DSFL Team: Dallas Birddogs
Relevant Stats
Tackles: 39
Tackles for Loss: 2
Forced Fumble / Fumble Recovery: 0/0
Sacks: 2
Interceptions: 0
Pass Defenses: 0
Safeties: 0
Touchdowns: 0
Why:
Clearly some kind of Roguishly handsome fellow, who steals from the rich and feeds the poor.
Perhaps he tailors shoes for the neighbor hood children who's parents don't have enough money to afford decent footware.
All I know is this dude slays.
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Defensive End 1: Brick Van Sanzo
Round 4 Pick #56 New York Silverbacks
DSFL Team: Minnesota Grey Ducks
Relevant Stats
Tackles: 31
Tackles for Loss: 16
Forced Fumble / Fumble Recovery: 0/0
Sacks: 2
Why:
Because he's me. Realistically to give some background I have loved the name Brick since the first Borderlands game.
I needed some kind of decent last name that wasn't my own because I don't want people to be able to track me down, So I added a van in the middle and threw some shit together and here we are.
The first couple of articles I've written have Brick contributing, I chose not to have him contribute to this one because I am completely over the decision I made to have him talk like a caveman. So I'm officially stating here that Brick is undergoing speech therapy with his newfound money and success to overcome his speech impediment and hopefully will be slightly more articulate in the future.
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Defensive End 2: Etrigan T. Slayer
Round 5 Pick #70 Chicago Butchers
DSFL Team: Portland Pythons
Relevant Stats
Tackles: 36
Tackles for Loss: 20
Forced Fumble / Fumble Recovery: 0/0
Sacks: 2
Why:
This name kicks ass. I mean there's just so many different venues it would work for. Is he a demon? Doe's he slay demons? Is he the vocalist for a Death Metal band?
You decide. I'm tired and my fingers hurt.
I have decided due to a combination of boredom and desire for money to create a team of players by selecting the most unorthodox/silly/ just outright my favorite names from the recent Season 25 ISFL draft.
I have also decided to include the players stats from the previous season, because I am a crazy person and I really like stats.
I'm going to say a little tidbit about what I think of them based on almost nothing outside of my personal knowledge and maybe what I have seen in the forums in regards to the player. Some of them I will most likely pull up their wiki page and do a little reading to see if I can learn anything about their player and maybe learn how they came up with the name.
Disclaimer: Anything and everything I say in this article is purely for humor purposes, Please do not take offense to anything that I say in regards to your player name as I am doing so in jest and what I say is no reflection of how I feel of you as a user or a player. I feel like I ended up veering in a certain direction on some of these and I based most of this info purely on name alone. Laugh at me, Laugh with me.
OFFENSE:
Quarterback: Jackie Daytona
Round 2 Pick #25 Austin Copperheads
DSFL Team: Myrtle Beach Buccaneers
Relevant Stats
Rushing Attempts: 15
Rushing Yards: 18
Passes Completed: 125
Passing Attempts: 225
Yards: 1305
Percentage: 55.6
Touchdowns: 13
Interceptions: 3
QB Rating: 86.3
Why:
He's your average American yankee doodle dandy. Besides not really having many other Quarterbacks with silly or ridiculous names in this draft I happen to be a huge fan of what we do in the shadows.
Jackie Daytona just sounds like a racecar driver or a bartender or a famous poker player. Everyone has their own image of Jackie Daytona in their heads, maybe some cowboy boots or a race jacket and a Marlboro hanging out of his mouth while he yells at some Latino looking fellows in the Menards parking lot to go back to their own country not knowing that those fellows were born in a hospital not 20 miles from Jackie's hometown.
Perhaps Jackie will be featured in McDonalds commercials in the future, explaining that your kids can grow up big and strong so long as they get Milk with their Big Macs and Apples with their French Fries, That is until at some point a recorded phone conversation between him and his estranged wife gets released to the public revealing some disgusting language and horrible misogyny. Maybe McDonalds will drop him at that point until he comes back with a revitalized and sober look at life, and then he can make tons of money from book sales and speaking tours.
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RunningBack 1: Mike RotchBurns
Round 4 Pick #52 New Orleans Second Line
DSFL Team: Minnesota Grey Ducks
Relevant Stats
Rushing Attempts: 217
Rushing Yards: 1017
Rushing Average: 4.7
Rushing Touchdowns: 6
Receptions: 7
Receiving Yards: 36
Receiving Touchdowns: 1
Why:
Not only was he a teammate of mine on the Minnesota Greyducks but also I can never get over a good crotch joke. Out of all the names he could have went with for a last name here (hunt, hawk etc) he managed to pick one that I have never heard of and also one that it took me far too long to get the joke on.
Mike Rotchburns seems like the type of guy you would want to lay some plastic down before you let him sit on your couch, and definitely make sure none of your teenage daughters are in the house when you invite him over.
Somewhere Mike has a nephew that refers to him as "That Uncle" because he offered him a beer at the age of 10 and also taught him so many four letter words.
His favorite beer is probably Steel reserve or maybe Coors banquet.
Despite all that I feel like Mike would be loyal to a fault and probably definitely offer to kick that old guys ass who cut in front of you in line at the gas station, leaving you to drag him out of there while forgetting your purchase as you avoid yet another confrontation with the police.
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RunningBack 2: Terry Yaki
Round 5 Pick #64 Arizona Outlaws
DSFL Team: London Royals
Relevant Stats
Rushing Attempts: 230
Rushing Yards: 1032
Rushing Average: 4.5
Rushing Touchdowns: 6
Receptions: 12
Receiving Yards: 80
Receiving Touchdowns: 0
Why:
To be honest here, I just fucking love Teriyaki. The other day I picked up some wings from a nice little hole in the wall place near my girlfriends house. Well I guess it used to be a hole in the wall kind of place but then they blew up because they have super great wings. I mean they legitimately have like 40 different flavors of wings. So I got these wings called the Kamikaze wings, which is Teriyaki with a spicy kick, and I gotta say they may have been the best damn wings I ever had. On the contrary I also got some Salsa Verde wings, which sounds really good in practice but then you eat them and you're all like "Fuck man these are just wings with Green salsa on them"; Not bad but disappointingly mundane in comparison to the absolute mouthgasm you had moments before with the Kamikaze wings.
Okay I'm gonna get wings for lunch.
Gee thanks Terry.
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Wide Receiver 1: Killian Chambers
Round 2 Pick #17 Philadelphia Liberty
DSFL Team: Minnesota Grey Ducks
Relevant Stats
Receptions: 33
Yards: 428
Average: 13
Touchdowns: 1
Why:
Another Ducks Teammate of mine.
Killian Chambers sounds like it could be the name of so many different things, perhaps a supervillain?
Or maybe a hype man in a hip hop supergroup "Catch that ball by 3rd Street Savage ft. Killian Chambers"
I can't put my finger on a fictional character in my head for this one so I leave you with his official title in my head.
Chambers, Killian : Space Pilot, Fighter pilot, Supervillain, Rapper, Adult Film Star, Philanthropist, Dinosaur wrangler, Pyrotechnician, sous chef, Jar opening Expert, that guy who says "We're taking in water" in every movie involving a boat; Legend
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Wide Receiver 2: Willy Weasel
Round 7 Pick #96 Sarasota Sailfish
DSFL Team: Minnesota Grey Ducks
Relevant Stats
Receptions: 16
Yards: 146
Average: 9.1
Touchdowns: 0
Why:
Why did I decide to do this? I feel like I overcommitted to the first few and now I'm quickly running out of steam.
Just Kidding.
Willy Weasel seems to be like a cartoon / sitcom character who isn't a villain but is just overall that greasy guy who nobody trusts. Like Chang in community.
You want to open your heart to Willy Weasel, you want to help him because you think he can change. So you take him in and let him be a part of the group and the next thing you know he has eloped with your grandmother and insists you start to call him pappy. Pappy is wayyyy too affectionate with grandma in public spaces and it makes your stomach turn but honestly he treats her pretty good and you've never seen her smile this much in a while so you kinda let it slide.
Until he gets you the wrong type of Space Jam toy for Christmas and he always insists on that one version of Jingle bells where she's all " JAJAJA JINGLE BELLS JINGLE BELLS" and you really hate that version so you beg your grandma to get a divorce but she won't.
Curse you Weasel.
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Offensive Line 1: Medicinal Toblerone
Round 1 Pick #10 New Orleans Second Line
DSFL Team: Myrtle Beach Buccaneers
Relevant Stats
Pancakes: 30
Sacks Allowed: 4
Why:
How could I not include this?
I don't know how I could expound upon the concept of a sentient Toblerone who is somehow an effective lineman who also makes others just like feel good when they are around him.
I will say this though, Have you seen how they shrunk the size of Toblerones to make sure the bar stays the same price? I mean I get it but how do you make that call? Maybe I want to pay more and get the same Toblerone I remember instead of keeping the price the same and pulling out that disappointing bullshit. That doesn't feel medicinal to me, that feels angrydicinal to me.
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Offensive Line 2: Duncan Donuts
Round 6 Pick #75 Chicago Butchers
DSFL Team: Dallas Birddogs
Relevant Stats
Pancakes: 28
Sacks Allowed: 3
Why:
So I tried Duncan Donuts the other day when I was heading home after spending a weekend at my Girlfriends house.
I was like holy crap there's a duncan we gotta stop! I had never had Duncan Donuts and I had already eaten breakfast but that wasn't going to stop me from experiencing this iconic brand. So I got a breakfast sandwich (crossaint / sausage sammich kinda thing) and one of those iced mocha dealies all the teenyboppers are talking about these days. I gotta say that was some damn good sammich and coffee action. So if this player is anything like Duncan donuts I'm sure HR is gonna get called into the Butchers locker room at some point due to harassment.
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Offensive Line 3: Clay Stallworth
Round 2 Pick # 26 Sarasota Sailfish
DSFL Team: Kansas City Coyotes
Relevant Stats
Pancakes: 71
Sacks Allowed: 2
Why:
This dude just sounds like a dick-swinging American hero.
I mean we're talking Ex-Sealteam, square shouldered bald headed Jocko Willink looking kinda dude. One who no matter how accomplished you are you look at him and think "Am I a beta?"
You see this guy walk past you in a supermarket with all of his macro diet shit in his cart with his veins popping out looking like he just finished his four hour morning workout as you pile premade pulled pork and white ballpark buns into your cart, out of breath from all the walking you've done in the six minutes since you walked into the grocery store.
You resolve to yourself that you're definitely going to start using that rowing machine you bought on sale six months ago and used once.
The next morning you get fast food for Breakfast and decide you'll start monday because it will be easier to keep track.
You don't start Monday.
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Offensive Line 4: Felix Archstone
Round 1 Pick #6 Baltimore Hawks
DSFL Team: Kansas City Coyotes
Relevant Stats
Pancakes: 34
Sacks Allowed: 2
Why:
Felix Archstone, Wizard of the 7th Realm of Gnaiorus, Master of Blocking and Wind, Manipulator of Defensive Lineman, Devourer of LineBackers, Champion of the great Turf of Kerra'Ta, The elves know him as F'long Arraka, The dwarves know him as Zargoth Baratollsith, He is known in the Northeast as Farisithis Meistar and there may be other secret names you do not yet know about.
I'm saying he sounds like a wizard.
like a really neat wizard that shoots fireballs and gently but firmly guides a young hero to their destiny.
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Offensive Line 5: Smitty Mcghee
Round 7 Pick #90 Austin Copperheads
DSFL Team: Dallas Birddogs
Relevant Stats
Pancakes: 46
Sacks Allowed: 4
Why:
I just honestly love the name Smitty and Mcgee is something that I went through a phase in highschool with, calling everybody this mcgee and that mcgee.
"Hey look at that guy, he has long pants. LONG PANTS MCGEE"
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Offensive Line 6: Hugh Mcgree
Round 8 Pick #105 Honolulu Hahalua
DSFL Team: Portland Pythons
Relevant Stats
Pancakes: 22
Sacks Allowed: 1
Why:
Something about the seemingly dull nature of the name Hugh Mcgree drew me in.
Is this man really a Pillar of the community? With his job as a baker and his wife and two kids.
Or is that Darkness in his eyes real? The pitch black, nothing behind it stare, you can almost smell the anguish that he has caused and the lament of the voices still screaming for help. Does he really go out at night for runs or is he up to something else?
Those long hunting trips...are they really hunting trips?
Makes a hell of a scone though.
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Tight End 1: Cmon Skiuuup
Round 5 Pick #69 Berlin Fire Salamanders
DSFL Team: Dallas Birddogs
Relevant Stats
Receptions: 44
Yards: 312
Average: 7.1
Touchdowns: 0
Pancakes: 14
Sacks Allowed: 0
Why:
I laughed my ass off every. single. time. this name came up in the simulator.
Honestly I googled it just to see if I understood it correctly but it turns out its from Skip and Shannon: UNDISPUTED.
While I am familiar with the show and I love football, I would rather scoop out my eyes with a rusty spoon then ever watch more then a 1 minute clip of it online.
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Tight End 2: Cleg Manclaw
Round 4 Pick #51 Sarasota Sailfish
DSFL Team: Minnesota Grey Ducks
Relevant Stats
Receptions: 26
Yards: 136
Average: 5.2
Touchdowns: 0
Pancakes: 23
Sacks Allowed: 2
Why:
Straight up sounds like a character from the venture bros.
I want to say he's an associate of Brock Samson's that after an industrial accident had to have one of his hands replaced with a badass claw, and now he catches everything that comes his way.
But he could also be one of the Villains, stealing stuff with his manly manclaw
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Kicker / Punter: Bill Brasky
Round 8 Pick #112 San Jose Sabercats
DSFL Team: Minnesota Grey Ducks
Relevant Stats
Extra Point Made: 18
Extra Point Attempt: 19
Extra Point Percentage: 94.7
Field Goal Made: 19
Field Goal Attempted: 23
Field Goal Percentage: 82.6
<20 yards: 0/0
20 - 29 yards: 4/5
30 - 39 yards: 6/7
40 - 49 yards: 9/11
50+ yards: 0/0
Long: 47 Yards
Why:
"TO BILL BRASKY"
If you have every seen the classic, Iconic SNL skit then you would understand why I picked this name.
But to give you an idea I have cherry picked some interesting quotes about everyone's buddy Bill Brasky.
“He taught me how to love a woman — and how to scold a child.”
“He hated Mexicans! And he was half-Mexican! And he hated irony!”
“He wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.”
“I once saw him scissor-kick Angela Lansbury.”
“He once punched a hole in a cow just so he could see who was coming up the road.”
“Brasky got his wife pregnant and she gave birth to a delicious 16-ounce steak. The afterbirth was sauteed mushrooms.”
I mean how do you not love it?
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DEFENSE:
Safety 1: Xmus Flaxon Jaxon-Waxon
Round 2 Pick #28 San Jose Sabercats
DSFL Team: Norfolk Seawolves
Relevant Stats:
Tackles: 75
Tackles for Loss: 0
Forced Fumble / Fumble Recovery: 0/0
Sacks: 6
Interceptions: 0
Pass Defenses: 0
Touchdowns:0
Why:
Straight out of my favorite Key and Peele skit I get a laugh everytime I see a name like this.
I can only picture the deadpan look in his eyes everytime the man has to recite his own name.
I only wonder what some parents think when they name their children, perhaps they hate the baby straight away and hope that the most difficult thing the child has to learn is writing its own name at the top of every single test paper they receive in school.
But my thought is, some parents name their kids these types of names because they just know that with a name like that they either have to be a pro wrestler, a movie star or a professional football player.
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Safety 2: D'Brickashaw Minshew Sr.
Round 8 Pick #107 Chicago Butchers
DSFL Team: Dallas Birddogs
Relevant Stats:
Tackles: ?
Tackles for Loss: ?
Forced Fumble / Fumble Recovery: ?/?
Sacks: ?
Interceptions: ?
Pass Defenses: ?
Touchdowns: ?
Why:
No really why? I cannot find this player listed in the DSFL index. I looked for like, a while.
Not being able to post stats here is really killing my vibes. How do I know if he was good?
D'Brickashaw is the coolest fucking name of all time. Period, made all the better by the fact that everytime I hear the name D'Brickashaw while watching football I say "Coolest fucking name of all time right?" to whoever is sitting next to me. Which is usually met with some skepticism but eventual agreement.
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Cornerback 1: Swantavius Jones
Round 1 Pick #1 Berlin Fire Salamanders
DSFL Team: London Royals
Relevant Stats:
Tackles: 73
Tackles for Loss: 0
Forced Fumble / Fumble Recovery: 2/2
Sacks: 1
Interceptions: 2
Pass Defenses: 9
Touchdowns: 0
Why:
I love combining ridiculous shit with one hundred percent normal stuff. This name is fun because of the perfectly normal last name in addition to the completely insane first name.
Other great names would be like
(Please share credit if you steal these for a future player)
Wonkilious Smith
Buckminster Johnson
Fart Williams
BarkBarkOpolopolis Brown
Snarklitius Garcia
ZootSuitBlueRoot Davis
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CornerBack 2: Jeeeeroy Lenkins
Round 5 Pick #57 Berlin Fire Salamanders
DSFL Team: Minnesota Grey Ducks
Relevant Stats:
Tackles: 47
Tackles for Loss: 0
Forced Fumble / Fumble Recovery: 2/0
Sacks: 2
Interceptions: 0
Pass Defenses: 1
Touchdowns: 0
Why:
*Sigh* Christ.
This dude needs new shoulders pads and your team only has a 32.33 (repeating of course) chance of winning the game and keeping enough fans to be able to afford them you can almost guarantee that he is going to blow his coverage trying to jump a route and lose the game because he didn't stay in the prevent defense.
But at least he has chicken.
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Linebacker 1: Wasrabi Gleel
Round 3 Pick #35 Chicago Butchers
DSFL Team: Minnesota Grey Ducks
Relevant Stats
Tackles: 105
Tackles for Loss: 4
Forced Fumble / Fumble Recovery: 0/0
Sacks: 5
Interceptions: 1
Pass Defenses: 3
Touchdowns: 0
Why:
Say it. Just say the name. Its like you're trying to chew molasses and caramel at the same time. Have I ever once pronounced this right? Probably not. Do I like saying it? Hell yeah.
Whenever you need a snack just whip this name out and try to say it a few times fast, you'll be chewing on that shit for hours trying to get it out correctly.
Realistically it sounds like some kind of poetic alien from Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy, come to join up with the crew and help save out protagonist from certain destruction.
I'll get to the next one as soon as I finishing chewing this one.
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Linebacker 2: Rusty Rucker
Round 2 Pick #23 Honolulu Hahalua
DSFL Team: Norfolk Seawolves
Relevant Stats
Tackles: 91
Tackles for Loss: 4
Forced Fumble / Fumble Recovery: 1/0
Sacks: 7
Interceptions: 0
Pass Defenses: 5
Touchdowns: 0
Why:
Honestly? King of the hill. I just picture Rusty Shackleford and it makes me so happy.
Now everytime I see this name come up I'm going to picture Dale Gribble in a football helmet with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth screaming something about "Squirrel Tactics" and its gonna make me happy everytime.
You do you Dale. (I mean Rusty )
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Linebacker 3: Dean Mcbean
Round 8 Pick #104 Arizona Outlaws
DSFL Team: Norfolk Seawolves
Relevant Stats
Tackles: 4
Tackles for Loss: 0
Forced Fumble / Fumble Recovery: 0/0
Sacks: 0
Interceptions: 0
Pass Defenses: 0
Touchdowns: 0
Why:
Most honest answer I'm gonna give you today, There weren't many funny linebacker names in this draft.
But it feels unfair to not add more, so like picture an accountant. Probably looks like Dilbert from the comics. Likes to brew his own IPA. Wife probably resents him.
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Defensive Tackle 1: Goat Tank
Round 1 Pick #11 Orange County Otters
DSFL Team: Myrtle Beach Buccaneers
Relevant Stats
Tackles: 59
Tackles for Loss: 2
Forced Fumble / Fumble Recovery: 3/3
Sacks: 7
Interceptions: 0
Pass Defenses: 0
Safeties: 1
Touchdowns: 0
Why:
Of course I had to pick Goat Tank.
We fucking get it, Greatest of all time + Tank. Or maybe its a goat that has tracks like a tank. Or maybe its a tank that's shaped like a goat.
Maybe its a tank that holds goats. Give me a fucking break.
I honestly have nothing against this name or user but for the whole first month when I joined up, every damn forum post and every discord was littered with GOAT TANK this, GOAT TANK that, GOAT TANK HIT ME WITH A WIFFLE BALL BAT.
I'm pretty sure one post was literally just the words Goat Tank.
To clarify, if you are in the middle of tank combat and your abraham is in anyway related to a goat, its gonna wander off and try to eat a jeep while you continue to take machine gun fire.
Second, a Goat can't drive a tank, I feel like a team of super smart goats can't drive a tank. Also a terrible idea.
Third, Don't keep goats in a tank, What if it rains? They could drown.
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Defensive Tackle 2: Sheed Thebaw
Round 4 Pick #47 Yellowknife Wraiths
DSFL Team: Dallas Birddogs
Relevant Stats
Tackles: 39
Tackles for Loss: 2
Forced Fumble / Fumble Recovery: 0/0
Sacks: 2
Interceptions: 0
Pass Defenses: 0
Safeties: 0
Touchdowns: 0
Why:
Clearly some kind of Roguishly handsome fellow, who steals from the rich and feeds the poor.
Perhaps he tailors shoes for the neighbor hood children who's parents don't have enough money to afford decent footware.
All I know is this dude slays.
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Defensive End 1: Brick Van Sanzo
Round 4 Pick #56 New York Silverbacks
DSFL Team: Minnesota Grey Ducks
Relevant Stats
Tackles: 31
Tackles for Loss: 16
Forced Fumble / Fumble Recovery: 0/0
Sacks: 2
Why:
Because he's me. Realistically to give some background I have loved the name Brick since the first Borderlands game.
I needed some kind of decent last name that wasn't my own because I don't want people to be able to track me down, So I added a van in the middle and threw some shit together and here we are.
The first couple of articles I've written have Brick contributing, I chose not to have him contribute to this one because I am completely over the decision I made to have him talk like a caveman. So I'm officially stating here that Brick is undergoing speech therapy with his newfound money and success to overcome his speech impediment and hopefully will be slightly more articulate in the future.
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Defensive End 2: Etrigan T. Slayer
Round 5 Pick #70 Chicago Butchers
DSFL Team: Portland Pythons
Relevant Stats
Tackles: 36
Tackles for Loss: 20
Forced Fumble / Fumble Recovery: 0/0
Sacks: 2
Why:
This name kicks ass. I mean there's just so many different venues it would work for. Is he a demon? Doe's he slay demons? Is he the vocalist for a Death Metal band?
You decide. I'm tired and my fingers hurt.