10-03-2020, 12:22 PM
(This post was last modified: 10-04-2020, 08:26 AM by Slothman07.)
With all the new draftlets entering the leagues recently, I thought I’d take a time out from my busy cheesecake pounding regiment to share some of the innovations we’ve adopted in the Philadelphia locker room to deal with the dangers posed by COVID.
Shower Helmets
Yes, they keep you safe on the field, protecting your brain from turning into that gross, nearly flavorless orange jello with chunks of unidentifiable fruit in it, but helmets can also keep you safe in the locker room. Ever since our towel boy, Jeff Brocade, had that scare where he thought he was coming down with the big C because he had lost his sense of taste, but it turned out he had just eaten too many warhead candies and burned the tastebuds off his tongue, I’ve started wearing my helmet AT. ALL. TIMES. Especially in the showers. That way you can keep the germs away and get that dome nice and shiny all in one go.
2. No More Horseplay
Sure, I love snapping a towel at supersonic speed into the juicy cheeks of an unsuspecting teammate as much as the next gal, but there’s a time and a place for that kind of thing, and a pandemic is not one of them.
3. Lil Debbies Only
You have to stay fueled up to make those sick gains; we all know that, but in the new era of face masks and hand sanitizer, communal cheesecakes have become a major faux pas. Thus: Lil Debbies. Individually wrapped, delicious, and nutritious, the preservatives in these bad boys will probably keep you alive no matter what plague viruses you contract. Plus I get a kickback for every box sold with the promo code “GOLDEN,” so get on it.
4. Wash Your Hands
This should be obvious at this point. If you haven’t been, I don’t know how you’re still alive. But in case you need explanation: We play a game entirely based around a bunch of sweaty people trying to grab the same ball and touching each other all over. Soap is your friend. Scrub those fingies.
5. Support Local Businesses
Finally, in these trying times, try to lend a helping hand (and by hand I mean dollar, and by lend I mean give) to your locally owned shops and businesses; they’re probably struggling with all this craziness. Did I just tell you to buy snack cakes produced by a multinational conglomerate? Yes, but that’s different. I’m getting paid for that. Anything other than snack cakes and toilet paper stay in your own zip code.
Thanks for reading, and I hope these simple changes can help a whole new class of players feel at home in the locker room, just not so at home that they take off their masks. Seriously, keep ‘em on.
***A serious note, Dorothy Zbornak is not a doctor, or even a real person, so do not take any of the above as fact or serious instruction on health or safety measures***
***A not serious note, in order to avoid being banned from this forum, I would like to announce that my favorite lil deb is Zebra Cakes, and if you disagree please write at least 200 words explaining why you're so wrong.***
Shower Helmets
Yes, they keep you safe on the field, protecting your brain from turning into that gross, nearly flavorless orange jello with chunks of unidentifiable fruit in it, but helmets can also keep you safe in the locker room. Ever since our towel boy, Jeff Brocade, had that scare where he thought he was coming down with the big C because he had lost his sense of taste, but it turned out he had just eaten too many warhead candies and burned the tastebuds off his tongue, I’ve started wearing my helmet AT. ALL. TIMES. Especially in the showers. That way you can keep the germs away and get that dome nice and shiny all in one go.
2. No More Horseplay
Sure, I love snapping a towel at supersonic speed into the juicy cheeks of an unsuspecting teammate as much as the next gal, but there’s a time and a place for that kind of thing, and a pandemic is not one of them.
3. Lil Debbies Only
You have to stay fueled up to make those sick gains; we all know that, but in the new era of face masks and hand sanitizer, communal cheesecakes have become a major faux pas. Thus: Lil Debbies. Individually wrapped, delicious, and nutritious, the preservatives in these bad boys will probably keep you alive no matter what plague viruses you contract. Plus I get a kickback for every box sold with the promo code “GOLDEN,” so get on it.
4. Wash Your Hands
This should be obvious at this point. If you haven’t been, I don’t know how you’re still alive. But in case you need explanation: We play a game entirely based around a bunch of sweaty people trying to grab the same ball and touching each other all over. Soap is your friend. Scrub those fingies.
5. Support Local Businesses
Finally, in these trying times, try to lend a helping hand (and by hand I mean dollar, and by lend I mean give) to your locally owned shops and businesses; they’re probably struggling with all this craziness. Did I just tell you to buy snack cakes produced by a multinational conglomerate? Yes, but that’s different. I’m getting paid for that. Anything other than snack cakes and toilet paper stay in your own zip code.
Thanks for reading, and I hope these simple changes can help a whole new class of players feel at home in the locker room, just not so at home that they take off their masks. Seriously, keep ‘em on.
***A serious note, Dorothy Zbornak is not a doctor, or even a real person, so do not take any of the above as fact or serious instruction on health or safety measures***
***A not serious note, in order to avoid being banned from this forum, I would like to announce that my favorite lil deb is Zebra Cakes, and if you disagree please write at least 200 words explaining why you're so wrong.***