This holiday season was a busy one for Tychondrius Hood, working charity events, building homes for the needy, attending a team christmas party, and more. The life of a pro football player rarely seems to have a moment's pause, but with Christmas being over, Hood finally had the opportunity to have some family time and open gifts. Hood eventually noticed a package by the door that had been forgotten. It was a package! Tychondrius, in an excited rush over to the door, grabbed the package and headed to his living room to open it. Who was it from? What could be inside of it? The only way to find out would be to open it, which Hood decided to do. Upon opening the package he noticed ANOTHER wrapped package inside, as well as a note. The note read, “To Ty, look at our record. Get a grip. -your GM’s”. Dread filled Hood's mind, as the Sabercat GM’s were known for being bullies to some of the team members. Inside the second package were a pair of ultra sticky gloves. I guess Tychondrius’ bosses were sending him a message this Christmas season, and that message was to start catching more balls or else..
There have been rumors that Philadelphia’s unexpected success this season is in part due to a certain player’s antics before game time. Doy Fieri has been known to psych out the opposition with strange photos, weirdly romantic text messages, or absurd tik tok dance videos. I can confirm these rumors. Hosting the Liberty right before the holidays, I passed Fieri outside the locker rooms and he handed me an unmarked envelope. I opened it only to be doused in confetti of black skulls and red hearts. I will admit that I was a little thrown by this odd pairing and the lack of any explanation. And while I didn’t have to face Fieri directly on the field, I had a nagging feeling all game that he was staring at me.
While stories of Fieri’s antics have been circling around the league, what is less known is that his actions don’t seem to sit well with fellow defensive player and best friend on the team, Gary Goodman. Goodman appears to be shadowing Fieri’s targets and sending apology gifts (although notably only after the game). So this holiday, I received a box full of salted nut rolls as a consolation to our loss and a long letter from Goodman wishing me and my family a healthy and happy new year. Next time I’m not letting this strange pair get under my skin.
7:00 AM. Wake up. It is December 25th, Christmas morning. One of Albert Ruschmann's favorite holidays, he immediately runs down the stairs and looks under the tree to see what Santa brought him. Tons of presents lie beneath his Fraser fir Christmas tree. He goes to the kitchen to make a cup of hot cocoa before diving in to unwrapping. Suddenly, his doorbell rings. Curious, who could this be, especially on Christmas morning and still so early. He briskly walks to his front door, opens it, and finds....nobody. Instead, there is a small box with his name on it. No return address, no postage, nothing else other than "ALBERT RUSCHMANN" in big, bold letters. A surprise Christmas gift, how neat. Albert brings it inside. His curiosity as to what lies inside is so strong that he forgoes opening any other presents before this one. As Albert begins his effort of opening this peculiar parcel, he notices it is taped very thoroughly. In fact, almost the entire box is covered in tape. Instead of grabbing a box cutter, he elects to brute force the tape off. Have to put those ISFL muscles to use during this holiday break. Albert manages to get through enough of the tape to actually get both hands under the flaps of the box which form the lid. At this point, he turns the box away from him and puts everything he has into opening it. With one flex of his biceps, the box is split in twain. Simultaneously, ten-thousand flakes of glitter fly out from the now exploded box and cover everything in Albert's living room. He says nothing. He can only look at the shiny wasteland that was once his coffee table. After coming to his senses, Albert delicately gets up off of his couch and calls the one person he believes would take advantage of his love of Christmas and presents in such a way: L'Gazzy Burfict (@y2bobman). For a little context, Albert had a nickname in college which L'Gazzy certainly knew well - the Glitter Critter. This comes from an ancestor of Albert's having invented glitter, as well as how Albert celebrated on-field defensive performances. After a brief confrontation, L'Gazzy did admit it was him who sent the glitter bomb, and ensured Albert that a hand vacuum was arriving the day after next. All in all, this little prank made Christmas (and the clean-up) a very memorable one and let two old friends and teammates reconnect during the holiday season.
Code: 417 words
Charlemagne Cortez received a package to his front door, but when he opened it, there was just a new copy of DDSPF and an envelope with a question mark on it. It was addressed from two friends/GMs, Z-Whiz and Crunk. At first, Cortez didn't understand what it meant, but upon thinking about it harder, he realized that it was a reference to his future in the unforgiving mistress know as the International Simulation Football League. The question mark refers to the question of what kind of player he's going to be when he makes his much awaited arrival to the desert in Arizona. It's been said around the league that big changes are on their way next season and it's very exciting. Maybe Charlemagne wakes up one day and has an epiphany that he's been doing it wrong all these seasons with London and that he really has a completely different style of play. Maybe he hasn't been making enough use of his legs, and he'll just start going super hard on leg day. Next thing you know, he'll be a running machine like Dexter Banks or Franklin Armstrong. However, maybe he won't. It's hard to say before we ever get to these miraculous changes, but Cortez is happy that his GMs have given him the gift of possibilities.
Code: 220 words
Jameson Vermillion walked to his door upon hearing the bell ring. It was mail time but he hadn't been expecting anything. He hadn't ordered anything in a few weeks and everything he had expected had already arrived. He peaked through the peephole and saw a box and a rapidly retreating UPS delivery dude. He opened his door with a look of confusion and intrigue. He picked up the rather sizable box and read the tag. " To: The most dangerous running back in the league, From: A Friend." He walked in and set it on the dining room table, ripping the packaging apart with a little more haste as his excitement mounted. The first thing he saw as he opened the box was a football with a note attached " the football from your first isfl touchdown" it read. A warm smile spread across his face at the fond memory. Underneath the football was a Brazilian jiu-jitsu gi, forest green, custom made and dyed. Neat stuff, whoever sent this gift knew him well. Wrapped in the gi two bottles of whiskey, a bottle of Redbreast twelve year old, and a bottle of Bulleit bourbon. Two of his favorites. Further in the package an assortment of select six and four packs of limited edition stouts and porters. All the things he liked the most were represented, jiu-jitsu, football and good alcohol. Excellent gift.
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