I’m not sure how to start a piece like this, so I’ll just start. Mental health has always been an issue in my life. When I joined this league last year, I was in a very good place mentally. I was ambitious, eager, and driven. I was finding my love for writing that I had thought I had lost years ago. Even through COVID, and numerous personal family emergencies, I was still feeling good, and feeling happy. I was still in love with the league.
And then I became the GM of the Colorado Yeti. An opportunity that I had been aiming for since W2 of S21. Sounds like a great thing right? It was a great thing! GMing comes with a ton of amazing perks, like access to information and direct lines of contact to the difference makers in this league. There aren’t even a ton of downsides, especially if you had a capable partner like I did in Sylphreni. I frequently referred to Syl as the ‘Numbers Guy’ because he knew our budget sheet inside out for 2-3 seasons upwards. As such, he dealt with the majority of negotiations, signings, and even approaching free agents. The reason why he did so much, is because so damn good. Sylphreni is a massive reason any free agent comes to Colorado. He is the cheat code.
In seasons prior, my proficiency with the sim engine DDSPF16 allowed me to massively contribute to the success of our team. That was what I did. I ran sims, and made DC’s that gave our team the best chance of winning. And I was good at it. Not the best, not even close to the best. But fuck, I was set up to succeed, so I only really needed to be good at it. When I found out that we were moving to DDSPF21, my passion and fire to test died out. It became pointless, because testing was so tedious in the new sim.
It all came down to logic for me. I run sims in batches of 500. If you run something 500 times, then analyze the results of that, the data tends to be pretty accurate. Some would argue that 500 isn’t even close to enough, but my argument is that if you want to spend that time, that’s great. But I don’t care enough to spend that much time anymore. So 500 is good enough, but not remotely good enough to most. In DDSPF21, it would take HOURS to run 500 simulations. And longer still to parse all that data individually (could be shortened multitudes by someone actually proficient with excel). I don’t have that time. Nor the skill to create a program that does.
And to be frank, I’m not sure I want to put that much time into testing overall anymore. Bad beats have me feeling disenchanted by the process of testing. Rather, I believe it more important to understand the sim engine, how it works, and how our league is impacted by these things. A good example is how 79 Speed QB revolutionized the way defense is played in our league. Yes the way to do that is testing, but I don’t have hours to do that now. So my role in the team evaporated.
As for scouting? I had a love for scouting when I was starting. Loved getting to know people, loved being known. But ultimately, only doing so out of necessity. In the end, I had helped build a war room where the GMs didn’t need to scout traditionally. At one point, we had representatives in all but 1 DSFL War Room. Which means we had notes on every prospect coming into the draft. Syl and I became the X-Factor test. Except, I had lost my drive to do meet new people.
I had found my circle in Minnesota, of people I cherished, and felt strongly about. I’ve gone to war for those folk, and I’d do so again. Why? Because it was fun. And I was removed enough from the team that it was only fun. They drained my social battery when I felt like I needed it, and they did it in a positive way. I was having fun.
There is a common misconception that being successful equates to having fun. And sure, it can be a blast to be successful. The are a lot of fun memories that come with doing so. But what you don’t see is that there is a lot of hard work as well. And the work wasn’t fun for me anymore.
As COVID continued to ravish our world, I lost sight of my visions and goals I had when I started the year. Lost discipline, and lost track of just about damn well everything. I became immersed in the day to day. I fell back into my depression. I became reliant on marijuana and video games to stem the tide of that dark, dark, funk. I became disconnected, and disenchanted with sim leagues through several conversations with people who I felt were difference makers. And suddenly nothing I did felt like it mattered.
Everyday, I continually found myself frustrated, and angered by the decisions of others. Decisions that they rightfully made, and upheld, but decisions that I felt powerless against. And through the fog of depression that’s really how it felt. Like it was against me. Like it was me against them. Them being just about everything structured in the league. Head Office, other GMs, my own war room. Everywhere I looked, I felt like I had to prove something.
And as I’ve begun to swing my life around, to try and send the demons back into the abyss for just a while longer, I realized that I am in a very raw place in my life right now. I need to be surrounded by people who support me, and encourage me. I need to be in spaces where I feel safe to be allowed to flourish again.
The ISFL GM War Room isn’t designed to be that. It’s designed to be a hub for communication between GMs, each of whom would love to beat you and your team because if they don’t feel like that why are they a GM? GMs need a competitive drive to be successful. Though as of late, debates began to feel like arguments, and comments began to feel like attacks. Nothing had changed, except the way my brain had began to interpret these things.
I started feeling it in my war room as well. I would say the war room is one of my greatest sources of pride. Syl and I have put together an amazing team of members well connected to the community, and they are the key to our success. The room is really designed to do two things:
1. Win
2. Find better ways to win
In our war room sharing is encouraged, and discussion is frequent. Because that is what we valued. We valued difference in opinion, and people who weren’t afraid to share it. That is what the War Room was built to do. And somewhere along the line, I lost the ability to function at that level. I’m sorry to my team, and to my other GM’s that I didn’t realize it sooner.
Shortly after this is posted, I will be officially resigning as the GM of the Colorado Yeti. I’ll remain with the team this season while I divulge myself from its inner workings, and try to find the fire I once enjoyed. After that? I don’t know. I don’t ever really want to leave this league. But I feel so removed already, and I’m trying to fix that. Guess we’ll have to see after this season.
If you made it to the end, thank you.
I hope you have a better understanding of this than I do
At the end of the day, all we can do is learn
And then I became the GM of the Colorado Yeti. An opportunity that I had been aiming for since W2 of S21. Sounds like a great thing right? It was a great thing! GMing comes with a ton of amazing perks, like access to information and direct lines of contact to the difference makers in this league. There aren’t even a ton of downsides, especially if you had a capable partner like I did in Sylphreni. I frequently referred to Syl as the ‘Numbers Guy’ because he knew our budget sheet inside out for 2-3 seasons upwards. As such, he dealt with the majority of negotiations, signings, and even approaching free agents. The reason why he did so much, is because so damn good. Sylphreni is a massive reason any free agent comes to Colorado. He is the cheat code.
In seasons prior, my proficiency with the sim engine DDSPF16 allowed me to massively contribute to the success of our team. That was what I did. I ran sims, and made DC’s that gave our team the best chance of winning. And I was good at it. Not the best, not even close to the best. But fuck, I was set up to succeed, so I only really needed to be good at it. When I found out that we were moving to DDSPF21, my passion and fire to test died out. It became pointless, because testing was so tedious in the new sim.
It all came down to logic for me. I run sims in batches of 500. If you run something 500 times, then analyze the results of that, the data tends to be pretty accurate. Some would argue that 500 isn’t even close to enough, but my argument is that if you want to spend that time, that’s great. But I don’t care enough to spend that much time anymore. So 500 is good enough, but not remotely good enough to most. In DDSPF21, it would take HOURS to run 500 simulations. And longer still to parse all that data individually (could be shortened multitudes by someone actually proficient with excel). I don’t have that time. Nor the skill to create a program that does.
And to be frank, I’m not sure I want to put that much time into testing overall anymore. Bad beats have me feeling disenchanted by the process of testing. Rather, I believe it more important to understand the sim engine, how it works, and how our league is impacted by these things. A good example is how 79 Speed QB revolutionized the way defense is played in our league. Yes the way to do that is testing, but I don’t have hours to do that now. So my role in the team evaporated.
As for scouting? I had a love for scouting when I was starting. Loved getting to know people, loved being known. But ultimately, only doing so out of necessity. In the end, I had helped build a war room where the GMs didn’t need to scout traditionally. At one point, we had representatives in all but 1 DSFL War Room. Which means we had notes on every prospect coming into the draft. Syl and I became the X-Factor test. Except, I had lost my drive to do meet new people.
I had found my circle in Minnesota, of people I cherished, and felt strongly about. I’ve gone to war for those folk, and I’d do so again. Why? Because it was fun. And I was removed enough from the team that it was only fun. They drained my social battery when I felt like I needed it, and they did it in a positive way. I was having fun.
There is a common misconception that being successful equates to having fun. And sure, it can be a blast to be successful. The are a lot of fun memories that come with doing so. But what you don’t see is that there is a lot of hard work as well. And the work wasn’t fun for me anymore.
As COVID continued to ravish our world, I lost sight of my visions and goals I had when I started the year. Lost discipline, and lost track of just about damn well everything. I became immersed in the day to day. I fell back into my depression. I became reliant on marijuana and video games to stem the tide of that dark, dark, funk. I became disconnected, and disenchanted with sim leagues through several conversations with people who I felt were difference makers. And suddenly nothing I did felt like it mattered.
Everyday, I continually found myself frustrated, and angered by the decisions of others. Decisions that they rightfully made, and upheld, but decisions that I felt powerless against. And through the fog of depression that’s really how it felt. Like it was against me. Like it was me against them. Them being just about everything structured in the league. Head Office, other GMs, my own war room. Everywhere I looked, I felt like I had to prove something.
And as I’ve begun to swing my life around, to try and send the demons back into the abyss for just a while longer, I realized that I am in a very raw place in my life right now. I need to be surrounded by people who support me, and encourage me. I need to be in spaces where I feel safe to be allowed to flourish again.
The ISFL GM War Room isn’t designed to be that. It’s designed to be a hub for communication between GMs, each of whom would love to beat you and your team because if they don’t feel like that why are they a GM? GMs need a competitive drive to be successful. Though as of late, debates began to feel like arguments, and comments began to feel like attacks. Nothing had changed, except the way my brain had began to interpret these things.
I started feeling it in my war room as well. I would say the war room is one of my greatest sources of pride. Syl and I have put together an amazing team of members well connected to the community, and they are the key to our success. The room is really designed to do two things:
1. Win
2. Find better ways to win
In our war room sharing is encouraged, and discussion is frequent. Because that is what we valued. We valued difference in opinion, and people who weren’t afraid to share it. That is what the War Room was built to do. And somewhere along the line, I lost the ability to function at that level. I’m sorry to my team, and to my other GM’s that I didn’t realize it sooner.
Shortly after this is posted, I will be officially resigning as the GM of the Colorado Yeti. I’ll remain with the team this season while I divulge myself from its inner workings, and try to find the fire I once enjoyed. After that? I don’t know. I don’t ever really want to leave this league. But I feel so removed already, and I’m trying to fix that. Guess we’ll have to see after this season.
If you made it to the end, thank you.
I hope you have a better understanding of this than I do
At the end of the day, all we can do is learn