In case it isn’t clear, the following article is a joke and is not meant to be taken seriously at any point. And if anyone does take offense to anything said below this statement, all blame is to be laid on Oles, as this was originally his idea.
0-9
That’s the Baltimore Hawks record this season. Such a failure must come from all levels and it starts at the top, the position of general manager and co-general manager. Who are these managerial failures? Those depressing disappointments? Those laughably ludacris luddites running the worst team this league has seen since Chicago decided to use the Browns drafting strategy? None other than Frick “My GMing record is” Nasty and “I’m still not over my power trip from high school when I was the” Hallmoniter_20.
Here are a few facts out of this GM duo:
Combined record Gming Baltimore? 0-9
Homegrown Pro Bowlers? 0
Homegrown award winners? 0
FA signings? 0
Trades? 0
So what do these numbers tell us? These stats paint the picture of a lazy, incompitent duo either too dumb or unconcerned to actually improve the team they’ve been hired to fix. Now some of you may argue for at least one half of this duo. “But Rusfan!” I hear you ask, “Frick was one half of a GM pair that took Colorado from the bottom of the league all the way to Ultimus champions. Shouldn’t that lend him some credence or goodwill?” While you would be technically correct, you are missing some crucial context. For one thing, he was partnered with Woelkers, a much more competent GM, and now clearly the one who actually called the shots all those years ago. Secondly, we know now that Frick is actually an incompetent bufoon, unable to properly buy a horse, or run an ISFL team. Knowing that, we know that he sucks. The simplicity of the argument is what makes it beautiful. Frick sucks as GM and so we know that he sucks at GM, and we know he sucks at GM because he sucks at GM. It’s perfectly simple and explains every failure as his and every success as someone else’s, like we’ve already seen with Woelkers.
Now I don’t really know much about the other guy, Hallmoniter_20. For him I don’t think the evidence needs to be any more damning then what we see right here in front of us. First off, his username. When you sign up on a website you have the choice to sign up under any alias you want. Take my name for example, Rusfan. It comes from my fathers old playstation account name, short for “Rusty Wallace fan” an old NASCAR driver he always rooted for. So this name is great both in that it invokes a familial connection, bringing tears to the eyes of anyone who knows it’s origin, and connecting me to anyone who might like NASCAR, and starts off many a great conversation online. It also has the bonus of including no obnoxious numbers or symbols, a staple of many people’s first pseudonyms online.
Now let’s take a look at the new co-GM of the Baltimore Hawks. HallMoniter_20, now this username is just awful. I mean, what exactly is this supposed to invoke? Some power-hungry 15 year-old handing out yellow slips of paper to the other students? His face covered in pimples and oil who never forgets to remind the teacher that “You forgot to check our homework!”, smelling distinctly of mountain dew with a voice that’s a cross between kermit the frog and that one dude from spongebob who “remembers when they first invented chocolate”? Is that who we as a league want to represent one half of the 14 billion dollar (in dogecoin) teams in our league? And what’s with the _20 at the end? Were there 19 other Hallmoniters who signed up to the site previously? Are you only allowed to have a certain amount of people with the same name and consecutive numbers before you have to add a useless symbol in a futile effort to “stand out” and “Be hip and with it” as the kids say? What number of people is that? Are there 20 Hallmoniters and then 19 other Hallmoniter_’s? Or is this just some Dumb and Dumber-esque plot to try and disguise his multi’s? “They’ll never guess that we’re all the same guy mwahahahahaha” as he twirls his mustache and strokes his fluffy white cat. Is that how he got the spot in the first place? Did HO get about 39 other private DMs of Hallmoniter_20’s “fans” saying “We love your league and watch it all the time, now hire Hallmoniter_20 to GM the Hawks”? Or is this some kind of Borg takeover of the league wherein we’ll all become Hallmoniter__X, I add the second _ because obviously once you hit 20 Hallmoniter_ you need to add a symbol to be cool and hip and with it.
I also think we must touch on the head office that hired such incompetint buffoons. They knew both that Frick sucks at GM, as I explained earlier, and that Hallmoniter is either a robot from space, or a pimply 15 year old, or just a flat out cheater deserving of the death penalty, and they chose to hire not just one of them, but BOTH of them to a leadership position within the league. Maybe they just took one too many math classes, “If we hire two negative people, they will cancel each other out and make one HUGE positive” and while I can’t necessarily disprove such a theory, I must say I doubt it’s likelihood of success. Or maybe we’re looking at this the wrong way this entire time. Maybe it’s not that Frick and Hallmoniter are some buffoons who stumbled into the perfect spot “spies like us” style, maybe they are the ones running the league this whole time! Think about it, how many of us have actually seen Bex, or Faded, or Infinite in the same room at the same time? We know that Infinite is a woman based on her camera shot covered in peanut butter made famous a few seasons ago, and we know that Bex claims to be a woman. Now as we all know, women are connected by a neural network gifting them telepathic communication abilities. But what if such a system were to be used for evil? What if, and hear me out, both Hallmoniter and Frick are women themselves and have assumed control of this neural telepathic network of women, giving them access to the highest levels of power within the league, as well as the biggest bank account? They would assume all but total control of the league as a whole, and would be virtually unstoppable.
What if we are in the early stages of the reveal of such a conspiracy, and once Bex has played her role we will see the assassination of all the leagues leaders, with Frick and Hall staging fake attempt of themselves. Once those are the only attacks thwarted, they will step on stage covered in scars and deliver the following speech:
“Citizens of the civilized League , on this day we mark a transition. For a thousand years, the league stood as the crowning achievement of civilized beings. But there were those who would set us against one another, and we took up arms to defend our way of life against the Head Office. In so doing, we never suspected that the greatest threat came from within.
The League members, and some within our own Front Office, had conspired to create the shadow of The Head Office using one of their own as the enemy's leader. They had hoped to grind the league into ruin. But the hatred in their hearts could not be hidden forever. At last, there came a day when our enemies showed their true natures.
The League members hoped to unleash their destructive power against the league by assassinating the head of government and usurping control of the clone army. But the aims of would-be tyrants were valiantly opposed by those without elitist, dangerous powers. Our loyal clone troopers contained the insurrection within the League members Temple and quelled uprisings on a thousand worlds.
The remaining League members will be hunted down and defeated! Any collaborators will suffer the same fate. These have been trying times, but we have passed the test. The attempt on my life has left me scarred and deformed, but I assure you my resolve has never been stronger. The war is over. The Head Office have been defeated, and the League members rebellion has been foiled. We stand on the threshold of a new beginning. In order to ensure our security and continuing stability, the league will be reorganized into the first Galactic Empire, for a safe and secure society, which I assure you will last for ten thousand years. An Empire that will continue to be ruled by this august body and a sovereign ruler chosen for life. An Empire ruled by the majority, ruled by a new constitution!
By bringing the entire League under one law, one language, and the enlightened guidance of one individual, the corruption that plagued the league in its later years will never take root. Regional governors will eliminate the bureaucracy that allowed the Head Office movement to grow unchecked. A strong and growing military will ensure the rule of law.
Under the Empire's New Order, our most cherished beliefs will be safeguarded. We will defend our ideals by force of arms. We will give no ground to our enemies and will stand together against attacks from within or without. Let the enemies of the Empire take heed: those who challenge League resolve will be crushed.
We have taken on a task that will be difficult, but the people of the Empire are ready for the challenge. Because of our efforts, the League has traded war for peace and anarchy for stability. Billions of beings now look forward to a secure future. The Empire will grow as more planets feel the call, from the Rim to the wilds of unknown space.
League citizens must do their part. Join our grand star fleet. Become the eyes of the Empire by reporting suspected insurrectionists. Travel to the corners of the League to spread the principles of the New Order to barbarians. Build monuments and technical wonders that will speak of our glory for generations to come.
The clone troopers, now proudly wearing the name of League stormtroopers, have tackled the dangerous work of fighting our enemies on the front lines. Many have died in their devotion to the Empire. League citizens would do well to remember their example.
The New Order of peace has triumphed over the shadowy secrecy of shameful magicians. The direction of our course is clear. I will lead the Empire to glories beyond imagining.
We have been tested, but we have emerged stronger. We move forward as one people: the League citizens of the first Galactic Empire. We will prevail. Ten thousand years of peace begins today.
Citizens of the league, I urge you to fight now against this movement before it’s too late. Right now we just have to face down two people, with very little power of their own. But the longer we wait the stronger they become and it won’t be long before they are too big to be stopped!
Oh no, I think I heard something outside my door…
They’re here, listen, it’s not too late, join the rebellion against this movement, we will prevail as long as we believe in one another! Stand tall and Figh-aghhhhhhhh!
This message was found on an encrypted laptop in the middle of an apartment set to be demolished the following day. Every claim made has been fact-checked as false and is to be ignored. Anyone found helping spread this misinformation will be sent to be re-educated. We will prevail against these terrorists and continue to bring order to this league that is open and free to everyone that agrees with us.
War is peace
Freedom is slavery
Ignorance is strength
TL;DR:
According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly.
Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground.
The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.
0-9
That’s the Baltimore Hawks record this season. Such a failure must come from all levels and it starts at the top, the position of general manager and co-general manager. Who are these managerial failures? Those depressing disappointments? Those laughably ludacris luddites running the worst team this league has seen since Chicago decided to use the Browns drafting strategy? None other than Frick “My GMing record is” Nasty and “I’m still not over my power trip from high school when I was the” Hallmoniter_20.
Here are a few facts out of this GM duo:
Combined record Gming Baltimore? 0-9
Homegrown Pro Bowlers? 0
Homegrown award winners? 0
FA signings? 0
Trades? 0
So what do these numbers tell us? These stats paint the picture of a lazy, incompitent duo either too dumb or unconcerned to actually improve the team they’ve been hired to fix. Now some of you may argue for at least one half of this duo. “But Rusfan!” I hear you ask, “Frick was one half of a GM pair that took Colorado from the bottom of the league all the way to Ultimus champions. Shouldn’t that lend him some credence or goodwill?” While you would be technically correct, you are missing some crucial context. For one thing, he was partnered with Woelkers, a much more competent GM, and now clearly the one who actually called the shots all those years ago. Secondly, we know now that Frick is actually an incompetent bufoon, unable to properly buy a horse, or run an ISFL team. Knowing that, we know that he sucks. The simplicity of the argument is what makes it beautiful. Frick sucks as GM and so we know that he sucks at GM, and we know he sucks at GM because he sucks at GM. It’s perfectly simple and explains every failure as his and every success as someone else’s, like we’ve already seen with Woelkers.
Now I don’t really know much about the other guy, Hallmoniter_20. For him I don’t think the evidence needs to be any more damning then what we see right here in front of us. First off, his username. When you sign up on a website you have the choice to sign up under any alias you want. Take my name for example, Rusfan. It comes from my fathers old playstation account name, short for “Rusty Wallace fan” an old NASCAR driver he always rooted for. So this name is great both in that it invokes a familial connection, bringing tears to the eyes of anyone who knows it’s origin, and connecting me to anyone who might like NASCAR, and starts off many a great conversation online. It also has the bonus of including no obnoxious numbers or symbols, a staple of many people’s first pseudonyms online.
Now let’s take a look at the new co-GM of the Baltimore Hawks. HallMoniter_20, now this username is just awful. I mean, what exactly is this supposed to invoke? Some power-hungry 15 year-old handing out yellow slips of paper to the other students? His face covered in pimples and oil who never forgets to remind the teacher that “You forgot to check our homework!”, smelling distinctly of mountain dew with a voice that’s a cross between kermit the frog and that one dude from spongebob who “remembers when they first invented chocolate”? Is that who we as a league want to represent one half of the 14 billion dollar (in dogecoin) teams in our league? And what’s with the _20 at the end? Were there 19 other Hallmoniters who signed up to the site previously? Are you only allowed to have a certain amount of people with the same name and consecutive numbers before you have to add a useless symbol in a futile effort to “stand out” and “Be hip and with it” as the kids say? What number of people is that? Are there 20 Hallmoniters and then 19 other Hallmoniter_’s? Or is this just some Dumb and Dumber-esque plot to try and disguise his multi’s? “They’ll never guess that we’re all the same guy mwahahahahaha” as he twirls his mustache and strokes his fluffy white cat. Is that how he got the spot in the first place? Did HO get about 39 other private DMs of Hallmoniter_20’s “fans” saying “We love your league and watch it all the time, now hire Hallmoniter_20 to GM the Hawks”? Or is this some kind of Borg takeover of the league wherein we’ll all become Hallmoniter__X, I add the second _ because obviously once you hit 20 Hallmoniter_ you need to add a symbol to be cool and hip and with it.
I also think we must touch on the head office that hired such incompetint buffoons. They knew both that Frick sucks at GM, as I explained earlier, and that Hallmoniter is either a robot from space, or a pimply 15 year old, or just a flat out cheater deserving of the death penalty, and they chose to hire not just one of them, but BOTH of them to a leadership position within the league. Maybe they just took one too many math classes, “If we hire two negative people, they will cancel each other out and make one HUGE positive” and while I can’t necessarily disprove such a theory, I must say I doubt it’s likelihood of success. Or maybe we’re looking at this the wrong way this entire time. Maybe it’s not that Frick and Hallmoniter are some buffoons who stumbled into the perfect spot “spies like us” style, maybe they are the ones running the league this whole time! Think about it, how many of us have actually seen Bex, or Faded, or Infinite in the same room at the same time? We know that Infinite is a woman based on her camera shot covered in peanut butter made famous a few seasons ago, and we know that Bex claims to be a woman. Now as we all know, women are connected by a neural network gifting them telepathic communication abilities. But what if such a system were to be used for evil? What if, and hear me out, both Hallmoniter and Frick are women themselves and have assumed control of this neural telepathic network of women, giving them access to the highest levels of power within the league, as well as the biggest bank account? They would assume all but total control of the league as a whole, and would be virtually unstoppable.
What if we are in the early stages of the reveal of such a conspiracy, and once Bex has played her role we will see the assassination of all the leagues leaders, with Frick and Hall staging fake attempt of themselves. Once those are the only attacks thwarted, they will step on stage covered in scars and deliver the following speech:
“Citizens of the civilized League , on this day we mark a transition. For a thousand years, the league stood as the crowning achievement of civilized beings. But there were those who would set us against one another, and we took up arms to defend our way of life against the Head Office. In so doing, we never suspected that the greatest threat came from within.
The League members, and some within our own Front Office, had conspired to create the shadow of The Head Office using one of their own as the enemy's leader. They had hoped to grind the league into ruin. But the hatred in their hearts could not be hidden forever. At last, there came a day when our enemies showed their true natures.
The League members hoped to unleash their destructive power against the league by assassinating the head of government and usurping control of the clone army. But the aims of would-be tyrants were valiantly opposed by those without elitist, dangerous powers. Our loyal clone troopers contained the insurrection within the League members Temple and quelled uprisings on a thousand worlds.
The remaining League members will be hunted down and defeated! Any collaborators will suffer the same fate. These have been trying times, but we have passed the test. The attempt on my life has left me scarred and deformed, but I assure you my resolve has never been stronger. The war is over. The Head Office have been defeated, and the League members rebellion has been foiled. We stand on the threshold of a new beginning. In order to ensure our security and continuing stability, the league will be reorganized into the first Galactic Empire, for a safe and secure society, which I assure you will last for ten thousand years. An Empire that will continue to be ruled by this august body and a sovereign ruler chosen for life. An Empire ruled by the majority, ruled by a new constitution!
By bringing the entire League under one law, one language, and the enlightened guidance of one individual, the corruption that plagued the league in its later years will never take root. Regional governors will eliminate the bureaucracy that allowed the Head Office movement to grow unchecked. A strong and growing military will ensure the rule of law.
Under the Empire's New Order, our most cherished beliefs will be safeguarded. We will defend our ideals by force of arms. We will give no ground to our enemies and will stand together against attacks from within or without. Let the enemies of the Empire take heed: those who challenge League resolve will be crushed.
We have taken on a task that will be difficult, but the people of the Empire are ready for the challenge. Because of our efforts, the League has traded war for peace and anarchy for stability. Billions of beings now look forward to a secure future. The Empire will grow as more planets feel the call, from the Rim to the wilds of unknown space.
League citizens must do their part. Join our grand star fleet. Become the eyes of the Empire by reporting suspected insurrectionists. Travel to the corners of the League to spread the principles of the New Order to barbarians. Build monuments and technical wonders that will speak of our glory for generations to come.
The clone troopers, now proudly wearing the name of League stormtroopers, have tackled the dangerous work of fighting our enemies on the front lines. Many have died in their devotion to the Empire. League citizens would do well to remember their example.
The New Order of peace has triumphed over the shadowy secrecy of shameful magicians. The direction of our course is clear. I will lead the Empire to glories beyond imagining.
We have been tested, but we have emerged stronger. We move forward as one people: the League citizens of the first Galactic Empire. We will prevail. Ten thousand years of peace begins today.
Citizens of the league, I urge you to fight now against this movement before it’s too late. Right now we just have to face down two people, with very little power of their own. But the longer we wait the stronger they become and it won’t be long before they are too big to be stopped!
Oh no, I think I heard something outside my door…
They’re here, listen, it’s not too late, join the rebellion against this movement, we will prevail as long as we believe in one another! Stand tall and Figh-aghhhhhhhh!
This message was found on an encrypted laptop in the middle of an apartment set to be demolished the following day. Every claim made has been fact-checked as false and is to be ignored. Anyone found helping spread this misinformation will be sent to be re-educated. We will prevail against these terrorists and continue to bring order to this league that is open and free to everyone that agrees with us.
War is peace
Freedom is slavery
Ignorance is strength
TL;DR:
According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly.
Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground.
The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.