Hello all, just wanted to speak from the heart here for a moment and give a honest-to-god review of the Tijuana Luchadores locker room which has been essentially the entirety of my ISFL experience thus far. So I joined off a reddit post in January, S28, and had no real expectations of what this league was gonna offer, but was impressed at the size of the community to start, given how lackluster simulation football games are, and DDSPF21 is no different. That shit is hot garbage, and I don't think anyone really disagrees, but the fun comes from the community and the silliness of being so invested in unrealistic pixel football simulation.
So the site is relatively self explanatory for the most part. I picked CB because it was my favorite position when I played in real life, and also saw how few CBs were being created in S28 so I felt it was a good choice. I'm quite the ribber in real life, so it's been great fun being able to turn that up to 11 here with Juno, and I appreciate everyone here who's been leaning into it with me.
Going into the draft season, I was a tiny bit overwhelmed speaking to over a dozen DSFL scouts and GMs over the course of a week, mostly because I don't like to keep inactive DMs open, so I was often like "who was that scout I spoke to the other day again? Forgot his username..." and be unable to follow up on certain things, but it turned out alright in the end.
Draft day is fun and amazing. I hope it is just as much fun for the upcoming S29 class, especially the new users, as it was for me. I felt the S28 class was loaded with great users from my limited perspective, many of them looked like highly desired veterans, so I felt I didn't have a chance going as early as I did, but I ended up getting picked at #10 overall by Tijuana, who I didn't expect to go to at all with them being a closed locker room. Pre-draft, I was invited to all other locker rooms except Norfolk and Tijuana, so I was like ok, surely I'm going to one of the other 6 teams, but apparently I made such a good impression on Tonzy that he ended up vouching for me with Tijuana's 2nd selection.
As soon as I get my name called on the livestream, I'm hit with a dozen pings from various discord servers congratulating me and an invite to the locker room. I walk in and I'm greeted by Tonzy dropping down from the ceiling above and forcefully giving me a hug so intimate that I could smell the odors of stale garlic croutons with strong traces of a ranch dressing through his nostrils. Guessin' thats what he had for lunch earlier that day. I remained in his hold with my arms by my side, and he follows up with a real firm grasp on my lower back to just keep me locked in for a few seconds longer than I felt was needed. I then exchanged pleasantries with everyone else on the team who all apparently saw nothing wrong with this, and there was even a ghost in their locker room who gave me a pat and shook my hand as well, but sadly this is right about where the warm reception ends and I started to see the dark sides of this place.
It was just after dark, and I'd just gotten off the plane, so Tonzy invites me over for dinner. I mean, sure, dinner with your new GM, SeemsGood. Plus, I'm starving. Well, we leave the team facility in his uh, vehicle, I guess, to arrive about a half hour later at his, uhh, home. Looking back, there were a ton of red flags, but I was too much of a bright-eyed rookie to know any better, so I follow him in and it's just the two of us in the place, eerily quiet. Well before I proceed I should say that I really appreciate the efforts from this guy. I think his heart is in the right place, and I can really respect that portion of it all.
So I make myself as comfortable as I can be in his bedroom. He doesn't have a dining room and told me to "chill here for a bit" as I hear strange industrial buzzes emanating from the kitchen in various intervals for about 10 minutes. He then emerges with a pushcart with a few items on it. It's actually really cool, it even slides into the existing table, like this: https://www.reddit.com/r/gifs/comments/9...ving_idea/
But much less impressive of course. Front and center is a covered metal plate, and he takes the lid off to unveil a uhh, caesar.(?).salad..? with only about 3 visible croutons. There was steam comin' off the romaine lettuce, which had completely lost all of its structural integrity. I thought it was sauteed spinach at first. Even the croutons were giving off steam, and he made sure to drip off the collected lid-water before fully removing it. "The juices!" he proclaims. He then proceeds to pick up the adjacent teapot and started to slowly pour some sort of bubbling hot white dressing, if I had to guess, it was some sort of ranch and vinegarette mix, all over the top of the salad. It started sizzling loud as all hell the moment it hit the salad, was quite the spectacle. He had really good teapot manners, though, I'll give him that. Had his opposite hand on the lid and everything. He then pulls out a serrated steak knife and cuts through the center of the salad, separating the two sides so I could see the cross section, and proudly hands me the knife and a fork. "Enjoy, man! I'm really glad to have been able to draft you!" he says, as he returns the cart to the kitchen.
I was more than a bit suspicious at this point and a paranoid of getting roofied or somethin', so I mix up a corner of the salad to make it look like I took a few bites and tell him that the flight offered quite a big meal, so unfortunately I wasn't hungry yet and asked if I could get it to go. I could see a bit of soul leave his eyes, but he proceeds to box it up for me, no further questions asked. We then talk about the team a bit, and then he offered me a ride home. Well, it was quite the memorable introduction, I'll give him that.
Anyways, onward to the season we go, and it proceeds relatively normally at first. They invited me into the sim-fold, but as the season progressed, I would repeatedly try voicing my concerns and opinions on how various aspects of the defense should be run, but I felt that my words were falling on deaf ears. They kept designing these plays that would like send me on a naked CB blitz with no safety over the top, and insisted that they needed to be run 69% of the time for maximum effectiveness. I tried turning to the other DBs, Shuffleboard, Buck, even our new guys Lux and Romulus, but they all had this glassy-eyed look and just kinda gave me silent facial expressions like I was causing a scene and turning into a locker room cancer or something like that. It was all very surreal, I dunno.
Anyways, so we barely squeeze into the playoffs and we're up against Dallas in the first round. I couldn't believe I was so close to winning the Ultimini in my first season. 4th & 10 with 46 seconds to go, Christ Jr. throws a pass to Ligmabaulsa or whoever that RB was and I make the game winning tackle to send us to the Ultimini, UNBELIEVABLE!!!! Or, so I thought. I personally think it was because of the salad encounter early on, but the powers that be decided that I was not deserving of being a hero, and they threw a flag which, to this day, is still an unsolved mystery and is even featured as a top 5 mystery on the rebooted Unsolved Mysteries on Lifetime. I suggest all of you conspiracy theorists look into that and tell me that there isn't something extremely fishy going on in this league. Also, let me know because I'm still waiting for that call to be overturned so that we can play KCC in the Ultimini 'cause honestly that was some bullshit. I deserved that ring for everything I've put into this life god damnit.
Anyways, so that was S27 of the DSFL for me. I ended up filing enough complaints to HR for all the relentless, incessant attempts by Tonzy trying to feed me cream salad. He kept insisting that this was the main reason I struggled so much this season and not the fact that I skipping practices nor our playcalls. So, yeah, that was the real reason why Tonzy ended up havnig to resign from his position. It wasn't by choice despite what everyone else might be saying. I'm sorry to all the fans that I have to air out all this dirty laundry here but an atrocity this heinous needs to be seen and heard by everyone around the league and potentially even reported to United Nations so that he may be judged before all of humanity for his sins. KotASSa took up the vacancy I think the moment Tonzy's ass got up from the chair. He vaulted over from behind and into the seat and immediately replaced the name plate on his desk. The extremely urgent level of excitement in which he took over that office has me very worried about him being a power hungry dick tater, so I am extremely weary. They voted me captain even though I did nothing to deserve it, I think in an attempt to get me to stay for another season, trying to rub my ego, but I ain't about that life.
Anyways, so that is also the real reason why I have been asking to get called up as soon as possible. It was a cry for help, like, I was probably really close to becoming a permanent member of the cult, sworn in by some sort of soul binding ritual, so I'm just really relieved that the San Jose Sabercats understood my coded language and sent a rescue vehicle in the form of a draft pick. I'm so glad I was able to leave the cult because I think I started to overhear discussions about how they were gonna start tattooing members next season and that future contracts were going to have to be signed in blood. Yeah, that's right, I set up some discreet microphones in the team facilities to eavesdrop a bit. It's how I got all this info. I now know why they insist on being a closed locker room. No, I will not be releasing the recordings as I have been advised not to by my lawyer.
So yeah, that's my first season in the DSFL. I wanna thank nobody in the Tijuana locker room except the extremely hot personal trainer who was assigned to me all season who I was able to smuggle onto the SJS plane ride. I think I might've saved her life as well. Now we just gotta get her a green card and she is set for a bright(er) future here in the states.
To the grader who reads this, I dunno if it counts as draft material but it would be dope if you could pay me 1.5x for this piece, because as you can see I'm nowhere near being out of the woodworks yet. I'm still living well below the poverty line, especially since the ISFL insists on paying its athletes less than the DSFL and I'm gonna starve to death. Please have mercy. If you didn't read it at all, then you should definitely give me 1.5x because it's totally draft related, but I guess if you didn't read it at all then you won't read this paragraph, which probably means I'll be getting 1x. Shit, I didn't think this through well enough.
And to everyone who read every word and/or came away with genuine concern at the end of all this, thank you for coming to my Ted Talk extreme shitpost. Have a good weekend!
So the site is relatively self explanatory for the most part. I picked CB because it was my favorite position when I played in real life, and also saw how few CBs were being created in S28 so I felt it was a good choice. I'm quite the ribber in real life, so it's been great fun being able to turn that up to 11 here with Juno, and I appreciate everyone here who's been leaning into it with me.
Going into the draft season, I was a tiny bit overwhelmed speaking to over a dozen DSFL scouts and GMs over the course of a week, mostly because I don't like to keep inactive DMs open, so I was often like "who was that scout I spoke to the other day again? Forgot his username..." and be unable to follow up on certain things, but it turned out alright in the end.
Draft day is fun and amazing. I hope it is just as much fun for the upcoming S29 class, especially the new users, as it was for me. I felt the S28 class was loaded with great users from my limited perspective, many of them looked like highly desired veterans, so I felt I didn't have a chance going as early as I did, but I ended up getting picked at #10 overall by Tijuana, who I didn't expect to go to at all with them being a closed locker room. Pre-draft, I was invited to all other locker rooms except Norfolk and Tijuana, so I was like ok, surely I'm going to one of the other 6 teams, but apparently I made such a good impression on Tonzy that he ended up vouching for me with Tijuana's 2nd selection.
As soon as I get my name called on the livestream, I'm hit with a dozen pings from various discord servers congratulating me and an invite to the locker room. I walk in and I'm greeted by Tonzy dropping down from the ceiling above and forcefully giving me a hug so intimate that I could smell the odors of stale garlic croutons with strong traces of a ranch dressing through his nostrils. Guessin' thats what he had for lunch earlier that day. I remained in his hold with my arms by my side, and he follows up with a real firm grasp on my lower back to just keep me locked in for a few seconds longer than I felt was needed. I then exchanged pleasantries with everyone else on the team who all apparently saw nothing wrong with this, and there was even a ghost in their locker room who gave me a pat and shook my hand as well, but sadly this is right about where the warm reception ends and I started to see the dark sides of this place.
It was just after dark, and I'd just gotten off the plane, so Tonzy invites me over for dinner. I mean, sure, dinner with your new GM, SeemsGood. Plus, I'm starving. Well, we leave the team facility in his uh, vehicle, I guess, to arrive about a half hour later at his, uhh, home. Looking back, there were a ton of red flags, but I was too much of a bright-eyed rookie to know any better, so I follow him in and it's just the two of us in the place, eerily quiet. Well before I proceed I should say that I really appreciate the efforts from this guy. I think his heart is in the right place, and I can really respect that portion of it all.
So I make myself as comfortable as I can be in his bedroom. He doesn't have a dining room and told me to "chill here for a bit" as I hear strange industrial buzzes emanating from the kitchen in various intervals for about 10 minutes. He then emerges with a pushcart with a few items on it. It's actually really cool, it even slides into the existing table, like this: https://www.reddit.com/r/gifs/comments/9...ving_idea/
But much less impressive of course. Front and center is a covered metal plate, and he takes the lid off to unveil a uhh, caesar.(?).salad..? with only about 3 visible croutons. There was steam comin' off the romaine lettuce, which had completely lost all of its structural integrity. I thought it was sauteed spinach at first. Even the croutons were giving off steam, and he made sure to drip off the collected lid-water before fully removing it. "The juices!" he proclaims. He then proceeds to pick up the adjacent teapot and started to slowly pour some sort of bubbling hot white dressing, if I had to guess, it was some sort of ranch and vinegarette mix, all over the top of the salad. It started sizzling loud as all hell the moment it hit the salad, was quite the spectacle. He had really good teapot manners, though, I'll give him that. Had his opposite hand on the lid and everything. He then pulls out a serrated steak knife and cuts through the center of the salad, separating the two sides so I could see the cross section, and proudly hands me the knife and a fork. "Enjoy, man! I'm really glad to have been able to draft you!" he says, as he returns the cart to the kitchen.
I was more than a bit suspicious at this point and a paranoid of getting roofied or somethin', so I mix up a corner of the salad to make it look like I took a few bites and tell him that the flight offered quite a big meal, so unfortunately I wasn't hungry yet and asked if I could get it to go. I could see a bit of soul leave his eyes, but he proceeds to box it up for me, no further questions asked. We then talk about the team a bit, and then he offered me a ride home. Well, it was quite the memorable introduction, I'll give him that.
Anyways, onward to the season we go, and it proceeds relatively normally at first. They invited me into the sim-fold, but as the season progressed, I would repeatedly try voicing my concerns and opinions on how various aspects of the defense should be run, but I felt that my words were falling on deaf ears. They kept designing these plays that would like send me on a naked CB blitz with no safety over the top, and insisted that they needed to be run 69% of the time for maximum effectiveness. I tried turning to the other DBs, Shuffleboard, Buck, even our new guys Lux and Romulus, but they all had this glassy-eyed look and just kinda gave me silent facial expressions like I was causing a scene and turning into a locker room cancer or something like that. It was all very surreal, I dunno.
Anyways, so we barely squeeze into the playoffs and we're up against Dallas in the first round. I couldn't believe I was so close to winning the Ultimini in my first season. 4th & 10 with 46 seconds to go, Christ Jr. throws a pass to Ligmabaulsa or whoever that RB was and I make the game winning tackle to send us to the Ultimini, UNBELIEVABLE!!!! Or, so I thought. I personally think it was because of the salad encounter early on, but the powers that be decided that I was not deserving of being a hero, and they threw a flag which, to this day, is still an unsolved mystery and is even featured as a top 5 mystery on the rebooted Unsolved Mysteries on Lifetime. I suggest all of you conspiracy theorists look into that and tell me that there isn't something extremely fishy going on in this league. Also, let me know because I'm still waiting for that call to be overturned so that we can play KCC in the Ultimini 'cause honestly that was some bullshit. I deserved that ring for everything I've put into this life god damnit.
Anyways, so that was S27 of the DSFL for me. I ended up filing enough complaints to HR for all the relentless, incessant attempts by Tonzy trying to feed me cream salad. He kept insisting that this was the main reason I struggled so much this season and not the fact that I skipping practices nor our playcalls. So, yeah, that was the real reason why Tonzy ended up havnig to resign from his position. It wasn't by choice despite what everyone else might be saying. I'm sorry to all the fans that I have to air out all this dirty laundry here but an atrocity this heinous needs to be seen and heard by everyone around the league and potentially even reported to United Nations so that he may be judged before all of humanity for his sins. KotASSa took up the vacancy I think the moment Tonzy's ass got up from the chair. He vaulted over from behind and into the seat and immediately replaced the name plate on his desk. The extremely urgent level of excitement in which he took over that office has me very worried about him being a power hungry dick tater, so I am extremely weary. They voted me captain even though I did nothing to deserve it, I think in an attempt to get me to stay for another season, trying to rub my ego, but I ain't about that life.
Anyways, so that is also the real reason why I have been asking to get called up as soon as possible. It was a cry for help, like, I was probably really close to becoming a permanent member of the cult, sworn in by some sort of soul binding ritual, so I'm just really relieved that the San Jose Sabercats understood my coded language and sent a rescue vehicle in the form of a draft pick. I'm so glad I was able to leave the cult because I think I started to overhear discussions about how they were gonna start tattooing members next season and that future contracts were going to have to be signed in blood. Yeah, that's right, I set up some discreet microphones in the team facilities to eavesdrop a bit. It's how I got all this info. I now know why they insist on being a closed locker room. No, I will not be releasing the recordings as I have been advised not to by my lawyer.
So yeah, that's my first season in the DSFL. I wanna thank nobody in the Tijuana locker room except the extremely hot personal trainer who was assigned to me all season who I was able to smuggle onto the SJS plane ride. I think I might've saved her life as well. Now we just gotta get her a green card and she is set for a bright(er) future here in the states.
To the grader who reads this, I dunno if it counts as draft material but it would be dope if you could pay me 1.5x for this piece, because as you can see I'm nowhere near being out of the woodworks yet. I'm still living well below the poverty line, especially since the ISFL insists on paying its athletes less than the DSFL and I'm gonna starve to death. Please have mercy. If you didn't read it at all, then you should definitely give me 1.5x because it's totally draft related, but I guess if you didn't read it at all then you won't read this paragraph, which probably means I'll be getting 1x. Shit, I didn't think this through well enough.
And to everyone who read every word and/or came away with genuine concern at the end of all this, thank you for coming to my Ted Talk extreme shitpost. Have a good weekend!
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