If anyone has been in the London locker room, you may have noticed a fun command we like to use: !blorglfacts. This command returns a series of fun facts about our very own Blorgly. I set out on a scouting expedition down to the native land of the Blorgls, the Amazon Rainforest, to see if these were truly facts or just myths. Over the course of my 5 year long adventure I was able to get to know the Blorgls for who they really were, and I am hoping to pass some of that knowledge on to the kind folks of the ISFL today!
In their native habitat, Blorgls are commonly mistaken for manatees, dolphins and Busta Rhymes.
FACT: The elusive Blorgl is difficult to capture on photograph, but what I saw with my own two eyes was a site to behold. Imagine, if you would, an animal with the body of a manatee, and the head/fins of a dolphin. You may be wondering where the Busta Rhymes mistakes come from on this majestic beast. I was equally confused until I heard the blaring mating call of the Blorgl that could only be described as the chorus of the hit song “Dont Cha”
When threatened, the Blorgl will inflate itself to 5 times its natural size in order to scare off predators. It remains non-aggressive and largely harmless, so this can backfire.
MYTH: While it was true that the Blorgl would inflate to roughly 5 times its natural size, the Blorgl does not remain non-aggressive, nor is it largely harmless. I would wager that the exact opposite is true actually. While on my scouting trip down in the Amazon Rainforest, I saw a boa constrictor wrap itself around a seemingly hopeless Blorgl. The next thing I know, the Blorgl had inflated itself tearing the tightly wound boa to shreds. It then bent down to the pieces of boa, gave them one sniff, then ran off into the forest. After following the Blorgl for about half a mile I found that it had found the boa nest and had consumed the mother as well as every boa egg.
An infant Blorgl can be expected to grow to approximately the size of an adult Blorgl.
FACT: By far the easiest myth to bust on this list. During my expedition I saw the miracle of Blorgl birth many times (they are a rather active bunch). While it is true that an infant Blorgl will grow to be the size of an adult Blorgl, I was astounded at the rate of this growth. In one night, and one night alone a Blorgl will grow to their maximum capacity, then seemingly never grow again. Not one more inch. Not one more pound. Truly a magnificent creature.
No Blorgl has ever played for the US Women’s National Soccer Team.
FACT: This is assumed to be a fact due to the Blorgl’s natural territory being in Brazil, so if a Blorgl were to every play for a National Soccer Team, it would have to be Brazil’s
If you place a Blorgl on a porous surface and expose it to direct heat, it won’t be your friend anymore.
MYTH: I gathered up a couple of Blorgls to try this one out and was actually quite surprised. After placing each Blorgl on a sponge and laying them out in the sun, they grew to like me quite a bit. In fact, I would argue that they liked me a bit too much. They started to bring me their ideas of presents, which after examining them, were really just pieces of the sponge that I had laid them on.
Blorgls are inherently suspicious of potatoes.
FACT: I crawled up to a Blorgl den with a sack of potatoes. Before I could even get within 250 feet of their home, the Blorgl’s had launched an all out assault. I ran away as fast as I could, but alas, it was not fast enough. I am now missing my right index finger and my left pinky toe.
The collective noun for a group of Blorgls is a “disappointment”.
MYTH: While down in the Amazon, tracking these creatures around, I came across a group of them. I thought this would be the perfect time to test this theory out. “Disappointments! Come here disappointments!” I shouted, but to no response. This Blorgl fact is obviously made up. Or Blorgls don’t understand the English language.
The word "Blorgl" can be traced back to Old Norse "*blómar gile*", meaning "blooming gill".
FACT: On the bottom of a Blorgl I examined there were 4 slits that acted as gills, but when taken out of the water would mysteriously grow flowers overnight. I have no idea how this phenomenon occurred, nor do I think I want to know the witchcraft behind the Blorgl anatomy.
Blorgls come in three flavors: Nacho cheese, spicy watermelon and grape.
MYTH: This one was rather disappointing. Every Blorgl I came across I gave a little lick. The only thing a Blorgl tastes like is muddy river water. I was expecting at least a little bit of spice given all the time they spend in the sun but instead was met with a puke-inducing taste. The same experience could be had by fishing something out of the Ohio river.
It is Blorgl tradition that when a Blorgl reaches the age of maturity, it receives a life size tattoo of its face on its own face.
N/A: Another astounding moment in the Blorgl growth cycle, that coincides with the almost instantaneous growth to adult size, is the receiving of the face tattoo. I could neither confirm nor deny that they *received* the tattoo, but nevertheless, after sleeping for one night every Blorgl woke up with a face tattoo… of their own face.
An untreated Blorgl can cause dizziness, nausea, and a deep sense of satisfaction.
FACT: You may remember my little quip about being disappointed due to the taste of Blorgls not living up to my expectations. Well imagine my disappointment when I was still met with seemingly unending dizziness and nausea after each taste test. These symptoms would go on for hours or even days with seemingly no indicator as to how long they would last. I also cannot understate how deep a sense of satisfaction one receives from tasting a Blorgl. They truly are the forbidden fruit.
Blorgls are afraid of dice.
MYTH: Blorgls are not inherently afraid of dice. In fact when presented with dice, the Blorgls saw them as more of a food and attempted to eat the dice, but when I tried to show the Blorgls how to roll a pair of dice I discovered that it was the click-clack noise the dice made when they hit each other that sent the Blorgls into a frenzy.
Blorgls sway furiously when presented with peanut butter.
FACT: I was not sure what to expect when going into this experiment, as I have never experienced “furious” swaying. To be honest, I’m still not entirely sure what I saw. What I can tell you is that the sight shook me to my core. I gathered up a couple of my new found Blorgl friends and took out a jar of Jif peanut butter. It seemed that as soon as they saw the easily recognizable label, they were set off. I have no words to convey the motion that was made, besides what was already stated. It was, indeed, furious swaying.
It is difficult for Blorgls to simulate human combat - Steven Seagal is the most notable Blorgl to attempt to do so.
FACT: It is incredibly difficult for Blorgls to simulate human combat due to the fact that they are much more genetically evolved than we are. Them simulating human combat would be the equivalent of a human simulating mouse combat. Why would they need to stoop to our level when they can already expand to roughly five times their normal size? The latter bit of this myth, reference Steven Seagal, is so far unprovable. All attempts at contacting Mr. Seagal have gone unanswered, I assume to hide his true identity as a Blorgl.
The Blorgl alphabet contains only three letters, all variations of the letter F.
FACT: You all know what hieroglyphs look like, you have all seen the cave drawings made by cavemen, now to add to the increasingly mystic Rosetta Stone, the Blorgl Wood Carvings. Blorgls seem to have some sort of mail delivery system where they employ all sorts of birds native to the Amazon Rainforest. They scratch out their musings onto tree bark using only 3 letters: A normal looking F, a backwards F, and an upside down F. Somehow the Blorgls have claimed their way to the top of the food chain in the Amazon using this language, and using the birds to deliver their ultimate war plans.
If you shake a Blorgl vigorously it will complain and request that you stop.
FACT: Strangely enough, this ties back into the first myth that we explored today. I picked up one of my friendly new Blorgls and explained to him that I would be shaking him -- for science. He nodded in agreement, but quickly let out a sharp “Stop!” after I started. The strange thing is, yet again he sounded just like Busta Rhymes.
Blorgls have only been observed to move diagonally. However, there appears to be nothing preventing them from moving in any other direction.
MYTH: Originally, I only saw Blorgls move diagonally and was ready to chalk this up as yet another fact. However out of the corner of my eye I saw the most amazing thing. A Blorgl was on the ground and kind of sat up so it’s body was at a 90 degree angle to the ground. It then scrunched itself up like a slinky and shot itself straight up into the air. I’m not sure if this proves or disproves the myth, but it was amazing nonetheless and enough for me to consider the “Diagonal Blorgl Theorem” a myth.
Creedence Clearwater Revival portrayed themselves as southerners in their music, but they were actually malevolent Blorgls.
MYTH: After my failed attempt to interview Mr. Seagal, I chalked this one up to a loss as well, but figured I would send an email and hope for a response anyway. Right before I hit send I received a phone call from a blocked number. Typically I don’t answer these but I figured why not. To my surprise, it was all of Creedence Clearwater Revival on speaker phone. I quickly conducted an interview with them where I learned that they were indeed Blorgls. So that part is true, however I could not peg them as malevolent in anyway drawing this up as a Myth.
Blorgls were known as Googls before losing a legal case over trademark infringement.
FACT: This took some digging as Google’s lawyers have all but deleted it from the internet, but during a conversation with one of the Elder Blorgl’s I brought this up. The only thing he would tell me was “1992”. Using this year I was able to track down the lawsuit the stripped the Blorgl’s of their true name. I hope to use this information for justice and bring Google to their knees at the power of the Blorgls.
The most common disease in Blorgls is “the willies".
MYTH: The most common disease in Blorgls is actually Syphilis. I don’t want to talk about this topic anymore.
In 1983, a space shuttle launch was delayed by a family of Blorgls nesting on a radar tower. They were apologetic and left without further incident.
FACT: This was actually recorded by the Blorgls as one of their victories over humanity. They have the wood carving hung in their great town hall, proudly on display. Each year on the date of the shuttle launch all the Blorgls of the Amazon get together for a giant festival to celebrate for 3 days and 2 nights. It is truly the strangest of all the Blorgl holidays.
Blorgls can be used as a cheerful alternative to insulating foam.
FACT: Believe it or not, the Amazon Rainforest can get rather cold. One particular night the temperature was down in the single digits and I was shivering like crazy. All I remember from that is waking up surrounded by Blorgls sweating through my clothes and sleeping bag. Blorgls are not only an alternative to insulating foam, but are even better at it than asbestos (with no harmful side effects).
Blorgls obey Newton’s first and third laws of motion, but consider the second unreasonable oppression.
FACT: For this I will need to lay out Newton’s 3 laws of motion (thank you wikipedia). The first law states that an object at rest will stay at rest, and an object in motion will stay in motion unless acted on by a net external force. The second law states that the rate of change of momentum of a body over time is directly proportional to the force applied, and occurs in the same direction as the applied force. The third law states that all forces between two objects exist in equal magnitude and opposite direction.
It was undeniably true that Blorgls obeyed the first and third laws, at least I saw nothing to prove that they did not. However what I witnessed about the second law was truly absurd. It did not matter how much force was applied to the Blorgl, they would accelerate at 1 m/s for roughly 5 meters, then rocket up to 10 m/s for 5 meters, alternating all this way until they just came to a halt after exactly 30 seconds. You could blow on a Blorgl lightly with your breath, or Hank Aaron could take a baseball bat to a Blorgl. It did not matter.
A Blorgl may be lured out of hiding by playing *Ain’t Talkin’ ‘bout Love* by Van Halen on a clarinet.
MYTH: Although I am not the best clarinet player, I would consider myself adequate. When I first arrived in the land of Blorgls down in the Amazon they were not very friendly with me and I was hoping by playing “Ain’t Talkin’ ‘bout Love” on my trusty clarinet that they would warm up to me. Sadly the Blorgls did not start coming around to me until a couple weeks into my trip, and this absolute jammer of a song had no effect on them.
Blorgls were responsible for the origins of the tooth fairy myth, as they break into bedrooms to harvest precious dentin.
MYTH: During my scouting adventure I never once had a run in with a Blorgl trying to steal my dentin. However that may be due to the fact that I was able to befriend the Blorgls and they did not want to steal my dentin. I would still categorize this as a myth at the end of the day.
A special thanks to @slate for providing the list of possible returns for the !blorglfacts and to Blrogl for being such a Blorgl.
Word Count: 2516
In their native habitat, Blorgls are commonly mistaken for manatees, dolphins and Busta Rhymes.
FACT: The elusive Blorgl is difficult to capture on photograph, but what I saw with my own two eyes was a site to behold. Imagine, if you would, an animal with the body of a manatee, and the head/fins of a dolphin. You may be wondering where the Busta Rhymes mistakes come from on this majestic beast. I was equally confused until I heard the blaring mating call of the Blorgl that could only be described as the chorus of the hit song “Dont Cha”
When threatened, the Blorgl will inflate itself to 5 times its natural size in order to scare off predators. It remains non-aggressive and largely harmless, so this can backfire.
MYTH: While it was true that the Blorgl would inflate to roughly 5 times its natural size, the Blorgl does not remain non-aggressive, nor is it largely harmless. I would wager that the exact opposite is true actually. While on my scouting trip down in the Amazon Rainforest, I saw a boa constrictor wrap itself around a seemingly hopeless Blorgl. The next thing I know, the Blorgl had inflated itself tearing the tightly wound boa to shreds. It then bent down to the pieces of boa, gave them one sniff, then ran off into the forest. After following the Blorgl for about half a mile I found that it had found the boa nest and had consumed the mother as well as every boa egg.
An infant Blorgl can be expected to grow to approximately the size of an adult Blorgl.
FACT: By far the easiest myth to bust on this list. During my expedition I saw the miracle of Blorgl birth many times (they are a rather active bunch). While it is true that an infant Blorgl will grow to be the size of an adult Blorgl, I was astounded at the rate of this growth. In one night, and one night alone a Blorgl will grow to their maximum capacity, then seemingly never grow again. Not one more inch. Not one more pound. Truly a magnificent creature.
No Blorgl has ever played for the US Women’s National Soccer Team.
FACT: This is assumed to be a fact due to the Blorgl’s natural territory being in Brazil, so if a Blorgl were to every play for a National Soccer Team, it would have to be Brazil’s
If you place a Blorgl on a porous surface and expose it to direct heat, it won’t be your friend anymore.
MYTH: I gathered up a couple of Blorgls to try this one out and was actually quite surprised. After placing each Blorgl on a sponge and laying them out in the sun, they grew to like me quite a bit. In fact, I would argue that they liked me a bit too much. They started to bring me their ideas of presents, which after examining them, were really just pieces of the sponge that I had laid them on.
Blorgls are inherently suspicious of potatoes.
FACT: I crawled up to a Blorgl den with a sack of potatoes. Before I could even get within 250 feet of their home, the Blorgl’s had launched an all out assault. I ran away as fast as I could, but alas, it was not fast enough. I am now missing my right index finger and my left pinky toe.
The collective noun for a group of Blorgls is a “disappointment”.
MYTH: While down in the Amazon, tracking these creatures around, I came across a group of them. I thought this would be the perfect time to test this theory out. “Disappointments! Come here disappointments!” I shouted, but to no response. This Blorgl fact is obviously made up. Or Blorgls don’t understand the English language.
The word "Blorgl" can be traced back to Old Norse "*blómar gile*", meaning "blooming gill".
FACT: On the bottom of a Blorgl I examined there were 4 slits that acted as gills, but when taken out of the water would mysteriously grow flowers overnight. I have no idea how this phenomenon occurred, nor do I think I want to know the witchcraft behind the Blorgl anatomy.
Blorgls come in three flavors: Nacho cheese, spicy watermelon and grape.
MYTH: This one was rather disappointing. Every Blorgl I came across I gave a little lick. The only thing a Blorgl tastes like is muddy river water. I was expecting at least a little bit of spice given all the time they spend in the sun but instead was met with a puke-inducing taste. The same experience could be had by fishing something out of the Ohio river.
It is Blorgl tradition that when a Blorgl reaches the age of maturity, it receives a life size tattoo of its face on its own face.
N/A: Another astounding moment in the Blorgl growth cycle, that coincides with the almost instantaneous growth to adult size, is the receiving of the face tattoo. I could neither confirm nor deny that they *received* the tattoo, but nevertheless, after sleeping for one night every Blorgl woke up with a face tattoo… of their own face.
An untreated Blorgl can cause dizziness, nausea, and a deep sense of satisfaction.
FACT: You may remember my little quip about being disappointed due to the taste of Blorgls not living up to my expectations. Well imagine my disappointment when I was still met with seemingly unending dizziness and nausea after each taste test. These symptoms would go on for hours or even days with seemingly no indicator as to how long they would last. I also cannot understate how deep a sense of satisfaction one receives from tasting a Blorgl. They truly are the forbidden fruit.
Blorgls are afraid of dice.
MYTH: Blorgls are not inherently afraid of dice. In fact when presented with dice, the Blorgls saw them as more of a food and attempted to eat the dice, but when I tried to show the Blorgls how to roll a pair of dice I discovered that it was the click-clack noise the dice made when they hit each other that sent the Blorgls into a frenzy.
Blorgls sway furiously when presented with peanut butter.
FACT: I was not sure what to expect when going into this experiment, as I have never experienced “furious” swaying. To be honest, I’m still not entirely sure what I saw. What I can tell you is that the sight shook me to my core. I gathered up a couple of my new found Blorgl friends and took out a jar of Jif peanut butter. It seemed that as soon as they saw the easily recognizable label, they were set off. I have no words to convey the motion that was made, besides what was already stated. It was, indeed, furious swaying.
It is difficult for Blorgls to simulate human combat - Steven Seagal is the most notable Blorgl to attempt to do so.
FACT: It is incredibly difficult for Blorgls to simulate human combat due to the fact that they are much more genetically evolved than we are. Them simulating human combat would be the equivalent of a human simulating mouse combat. Why would they need to stoop to our level when they can already expand to roughly five times their normal size? The latter bit of this myth, reference Steven Seagal, is so far unprovable. All attempts at contacting Mr. Seagal have gone unanswered, I assume to hide his true identity as a Blorgl.
The Blorgl alphabet contains only three letters, all variations of the letter F.
FACT: You all know what hieroglyphs look like, you have all seen the cave drawings made by cavemen, now to add to the increasingly mystic Rosetta Stone, the Blorgl Wood Carvings. Blorgls seem to have some sort of mail delivery system where they employ all sorts of birds native to the Amazon Rainforest. They scratch out their musings onto tree bark using only 3 letters: A normal looking F, a backwards F, and an upside down F. Somehow the Blorgls have claimed their way to the top of the food chain in the Amazon using this language, and using the birds to deliver their ultimate war plans.
If you shake a Blorgl vigorously it will complain and request that you stop.
FACT: Strangely enough, this ties back into the first myth that we explored today. I picked up one of my friendly new Blorgls and explained to him that I would be shaking him -- for science. He nodded in agreement, but quickly let out a sharp “Stop!” after I started. The strange thing is, yet again he sounded just like Busta Rhymes.
Blorgls have only been observed to move diagonally. However, there appears to be nothing preventing them from moving in any other direction.
MYTH: Originally, I only saw Blorgls move diagonally and was ready to chalk this up as yet another fact. However out of the corner of my eye I saw the most amazing thing. A Blorgl was on the ground and kind of sat up so it’s body was at a 90 degree angle to the ground. It then scrunched itself up like a slinky and shot itself straight up into the air. I’m not sure if this proves or disproves the myth, but it was amazing nonetheless and enough for me to consider the “Diagonal Blorgl Theorem” a myth.
Creedence Clearwater Revival portrayed themselves as southerners in their music, but they were actually malevolent Blorgls.
MYTH: After my failed attempt to interview Mr. Seagal, I chalked this one up to a loss as well, but figured I would send an email and hope for a response anyway. Right before I hit send I received a phone call from a blocked number. Typically I don’t answer these but I figured why not. To my surprise, it was all of Creedence Clearwater Revival on speaker phone. I quickly conducted an interview with them where I learned that they were indeed Blorgls. So that part is true, however I could not peg them as malevolent in anyway drawing this up as a Myth.
Blorgls were known as Googls before losing a legal case over trademark infringement.
FACT: This took some digging as Google’s lawyers have all but deleted it from the internet, but during a conversation with one of the Elder Blorgl’s I brought this up. The only thing he would tell me was “1992”. Using this year I was able to track down the lawsuit the stripped the Blorgl’s of their true name. I hope to use this information for justice and bring Google to their knees at the power of the Blorgls.
The most common disease in Blorgls is “the willies".
MYTH: The most common disease in Blorgls is actually Syphilis. I don’t want to talk about this topic anymore.
In 1983, a space shuttle launch was delayed by a family of Blorgls nesting on a radar tower. They were apologetic and left without further incident.
FACT: This was actually recorded by the Blorgls as one of their victories over humanity. They have the wood carving hung in their great town hall, proudly on display. Each year on the date of the shuttle launch all the Blorgls of the Amazon get together for a giant festival to celebrate for 3 days and 2 nights. It is truly the strangest of all the Blorgl holidays.
Blorgls can be used as a cheerful alternative to insulating foam.
FACT: Believe it or not, the Amazon Rainforest can get rather cold. One particular night the temperature was down in the single digits and I was shivering like crazy. All I remember from that is waking up surrounded by Blorgls sweating through my clothes and sleeping bag. Blorgls are not only an alternative to insulating foam, but are even better at it than asbestos (with no harmful side effects).
Blorgls obey Newton’s first and third laws of motion, but consider the second unreasonable oppression.
FACT: For this I will need to lay out Newton’s 3 laws of motion (thank you wikipedia). The first law states that an object at rest will stay at rest, and an object in motion will stay in motion unless acted on by a net external force. The second law states that the rate of change of momentum of a body over time is directly proportional to the force applied, and occurs in the same direction as the applied force. The third law states that all forces between two objects exist in equal magnitude and opposite direction.
It was undeniably true that Blorgls obeyed the first and third laws, at least I saw nothing to prove that they did not. However what I witnessed about the second law was truly absurd. It did not matter how much force was applied to the Blorgl, they would accelerate at 1 m/s for roughly 5 meters, then rocket up to 10 m/s for 5 meters, alternating all this way until they just came to a halt after exactly 30 seconds. You could blow on a Blorgl lightly with your breath, or Hank Aaron could take a baseball bat to a Blorgl. It did not matter.
A Blorgl may be lured out of hiding by playing *Ain’t Talkin’ ‘bout Love* by Van Halen on a clarinet.
MYTH: Although I am not the best clarinet player, I would consider myself adequate. When I first arrived in the land of Blorgls down in the Amazon they were not very friendly with me and I was hoping by playing “Ain’t Talkin’ ‘bout Love” on my trusty clarinet that they would warm up to me. Sadly the Blorgls did not start coming around to me until a couple weeks into my trip, and this absolute jammer of a song had no effect on them.
Blorgls were responsible for the origins of the tooth fairy myth, as they break into bedrooms to harvest precious dentin.
MYTH: During my scouting adventure I never once had a run in with a Blorgl trying to steal my dentin. However that may be due to the fact that I was able to befriend the Blorgls and they did not want to steal my dentin. I would still categorize this as a myth at the end of the day.
A special thanks to @slate for providing the list of possible returns for the !blorglfacts and to Blrogl for being such a Blorgl.
Word Count: 2516