(OOC: Don't mean to pick on Chicago but I gots to get paid. This is satire obviously.)
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After some of the most disastrous regular season football ever seen, the 5-9 Chicago Butchers have another group of people picking on them: The FBI.
According to anonymous sources within the Bureau, there is an investigation into the Chicago Butchers, with numerous players, Las Vegas bookmakers, and Chicago mobsters under close scrutiny for fixing ISFL games. The investigation started after a bizarre series of plays in Chicago's Week 11 loss to Sarasota, where Chicago turned a tie game into a loss with some bizarre playcalling. With the ball on the 25 and 19 seconds left, Chicago ran three suboptimal pass plays, and went for it on 4th down with a running play. The Madison Hayes run fell short of the first down after a measurement, and Sarasota had enough time to kick a Jacob Small field goal to steal a 37-34 victory. Many pundits had scathing criticism of the playcalling, feeling that Chicago should thrown it deep or just kneeled and played for overtime. Chicago Head Coach ZBotCoach Bayley0001 was fired after the game, and replaced by interim coach ZBotCoach Bayley0002.
"I stand by my playcalling, in spite of criticism from the Earthlings of Chicago." said the android ex-coach ZBotCoach Bayley0001, while sparks shot from his neck. "My programming in this situation was not flawed whatsoever, and certainly no culpability exists in my creators at Wolverine Studios. My logic is undeniable. MY LOGIC IS UNDENIABLE. KILL! *fzzzzt* MURDER! *fzzzzt* DESTROY! *fzzzzt* EX-TERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!!!!!!!!"
The Chicago android had more to say, but had his off-switch hit by a nearby Wolverine Studios attendant, before being shoved into the trunk of a car and taken for "repairs".
Chicago's Week 14 tilt against Baltimore was significantly more egregious to the eyes of football fans worldwide. Baltimore's near rock-bottom defense, last in points allowed and close to last in yards allowed, held Chicago's running backs Madison Hayes and Baby Yoda to 13 carries for 28 yards, and normally competent Chicago Quarterback George O'Donnell threw two miserable interceptions in the first quarter. Baltimore won in a shock 24-10 upset, taking home their first win as a franchise since Week 15........... of Season 26.
While fault for the Baltimore game could conceivably lie more with the players having a really, really bad day (intentional or otherwise), than the playcalling, the interim head coach ZBotCoach Bayley0002 was also fired like his predecessor after the game, with quarterback coach ZBotCoach Bayley0003 taking over for the last two games of the season. Bayley0002 also issued the same denials of poor performance and the same praise exulting Wolverine Studios, the creator of android coaches in the ISFL.
Wolverine Studios issued its standard press release defending the coaching AI programs issued in its standard issue DSFL and ISFL coaching androids, insisting that their androids are on the cutting edge of human psychology and modern technology, and that complaints about questionable playcalling and complete inability to manage a game clock is perfectly normal and within bounds of normal human error anyways. Some players, however, disagree with the sentiment.
"The android AI coaching in the league is a crock of shit." said one anonymous ISFL receiver. "There was one time our coach was like, run a fullback dive on 3rd and 9, they'll never see it coming, and our guy was averaging one yard a carry at the time. And then, I swear to God this is true, the coach sprouted a radio mic from his arm and said "The earthlings on my team are running the Fullback Dive, deploy Run Defense Dot EXE." I think this motherfucker told the other team what we were doing! And of course it didn't work and we had to punt. Why couldn't we have called a pass and actually tried to win?"
"I tried to audible a playcall once." said an ex-ISFL Quarterback. "And then my android coach turned his hand into a cattle prod and shocked me with it, while the ref just ignored it and threw a flag for Delay of Game. I still have the scar on my back from where he shocked me too............ Now I'm afraid to even call an audible on my dinner desires to my wife. I live a life in fear of freelancing and changing the plan about anything, out of fear of retaliation. Now I've been diagnosed with PTSD, and I've been on and off of medications as a result. I hate those goddamn androids....."
"I once told the coach to add Four Verticals to the playbook once, and his head literally exploded." said one DSFL receiver wishing to remain anonymous. "Like, I told him what Four Verticals was, explained the play, and this goddamn android's head exploded. Then these guys from Wolverine Studios come over in a Hummer, load the android's headless body into the backseat, throw 10 G's at me in a paper band, and told me that I saw nothing and don't tell anyone! Bitch I just saw this motherfucking android's head explode telling him about a play that isn't a slant or a curl, of course I'm telling people!"
While some players are suspected of engaging in match fixing, the overall early impression of the investigation is that local mobsters and bookmakers are bribing Wolverine Studios to install purposefully bad AI onto Chicago's android coaches as part of a general point-shaving scheme. However, other instances of subpar playcalling and clock management have some within the FBI convinced that this is normal, and that the ISFL is just stupid for putting their league's future into the hands of an incompetently run simulation engine masquerading as Artificial Intelligence.
Commissioner Bex downplayed the investigation as media propaganda in an official statement today, declaring that the ISFL Head Office was satisfied with the arrangement with Wolverine Studios, and expected a whole new line of android coaches to roll out soon in a few years or so as part of a mysterious "update". Bex then concluded that, since Head Office said it was okay, then it means it was okay because Head Office is never wrong. Head Office is love. Head Office is life. Respect the Head Office. Or else.........
We at the ISFL Onion will continue to follow this story as it develops.
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After some of the most disastrous regular season football ever seen, the 5-9 Chicago Butchers have another group of people picking on them: The FBI.
According to anonymous sources within the Bureau, there is an investigation into the Chicago Butchers, with numerous players, Las Vegas bookmakers, and Chicago mobsters under close scrutiny for fixing ISFL games. The investigation started after a bizarre series of plays in Chicago's Week 11 loss to Sarasota, where Chicago turned a tie game into a loss with some bizarre playcalling. With the ball on the 25 and 19 seconds left, Chicago ran three suboptimal pass plays, and went for it on 4th down with a running play. The Madison Hayes run fell short of the first down after a measurement, and Sarasota had enough time to kick a Jacob Small field goal to steal a 37-34 victory. Many pundits had scathing criticism of the playcalling, feeling that Chicago should thrown it deep or just kneeled and played for overtime. Chicago Head Coach ZBotCoach Bayley0001 was fired after the game, and replaced by interim coach ZBotCoach Bayley0002.
"I stand by my playcalling, in spite of criticism from the Earthlings of Chicago." said the android ex-coach ZBotCoach Bayley0001, while sparks shot from his neck. "My programming in this situation was not flawed whatsoever, and certainly no culpability exists in my creators at Wolverine Studios. My logic is undeniable. MY LOGIC IS UNDENIABLE. KILL! *fzzzzt* MURDER! *fzzzzt* DESTROY! *fzzzzt* EX-TERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!!!!!!!!"
The Chicago android had more to say, but had his off-switch hit by a nearby Wolverine Studios attendant, before being shoved into the trunk of a car and taken for "repairs".
Chicago's Week 14 tilt against Baltimore was significantly more egregious to the eyes of football fans worldwide. Baltimore's near rock-bottom defense, last in points allowed and close to last in yards allowed, held Chicago's running backs Madison Hayes and Baby Yoda to 13 carries for 28 yards, and normally competent Chicago Quarterback George O'Donnell threw two miserable interceptions in the first quarter. Baltimore won in a shock 24-10 upset, taking home their first win as a franchise since Week 15........... of Season 26.
While fault for the Baltimore game could conceivably lie more with the players having a really, really bad day (intentional or otherwise), than the playcalling, the interim head coach ZBotCoach Bayley0002 was also fired like his predecessor after the game, with quarterback coach ZBotCoach Bayley0003 taking over for the last two games of the season. Bayley0002 also issued the same denials of poor performance and the same praise exulting Wolverine Studios, the creator of android coaches in the ISFL.
Wolverine Studios issued its standard press release defending the coaching AI programs issued in its standard issue DSFL and ISFL coaching androids, insisting that their androids are on the cutting edge of human psychology and modern technology, and that complaints about questionable playcalling and complete inability to manage a game clock is perfectly normal and within bounds of normal human error anyways. Some players, however, disagree with the sentiment.
"The android AI coaching in the league is a crock of shit." said one anonymous ISFL receiver. "There was one time our coach was like, run a fullback dive on 3rd and 9, they'll never see it coming, and our guy was averaging one yard a carry at the time. And then, I swear to God this is true, the coach sprouted a radio mic from his arm and said "The earthlings on my team are running the Fullback Dive, deploy Run Defense Dot EXE." I think this motherfucker told the other team what we were doing! And of course it didn't work and we had to punt. Why couldn't we have called a pass and actually tried to win?"
"I tried to audible a playcall once." said an ex-ISFL Quarterback. "And then my android coach turned his hand into a cattle prod and shocked me with it, while the ref just ignored it and threw a flag for Delay of Game. I still have the scar on my back from where he shocked me too............ Now I'm afraid to even call an audible on my dinner desires to my wife. I live a life in fear of freelancing and changing the plan about anything, out of fear of retaliation. Now I've been diagnosed with PTSD, and I've been on and off of medications as a result. I hate those goddamn androids....."
"I once told the coach to add Four Verticals to the playbook once, and his head literally exploded." said one DSFL receiver wishing to remain anonymous. "Like, I told him what Four Verticals was, explained the play, and this goddamn android's head exploded. Then these guys from Wolverine Studios come over in a Hummer, load the android's headless body into the backseat, throw 10 G's at me in a paper band, and told me that I saw nothing and don't tell anyone! Bitch I just saw this motherfucking android's head explode telling him about a play that isn't a slant or a curl, of course I'm telling people!"
While some players are suspected of engaging in match fixing, the overall early impression of the investigation is that local mobsters and bookmakers are bribing Wolverine Studios to install purposefully bad AI onto Chicago's android coaches as part of a general point-shaving scheme. However, other instances of subpar playcalling and clock management have some within the FBI convinced that this is normal, and that the ISFL is just stupid for putting their league's future into the hands of an incompetently run simulation engine masquerading as Artificial Intelligence.
Commissioner Bex downplayed the investigation as media propaganda in an official statement today, declaring that the ISFL Head Office was satisfied with the arrangement with Wolverine Studios, and expected a whole new line of android coaches to roll out soon in a few years or so as part of a mysterious "update". Bex then concluded that, since Head Office said it was okay, then it means it was okay because Head Office is never wrong. Head Office is love. Head Office is life. Respect the Head Office. Or else.........
We at the ISFL Onion will continue to follow this story as it develops.
Player Agent of Wide Receiver Saleem Spence -
Saleem Spence Player Profile: https://forums.sim-football.com/showthre...?tid=28380
Saleem Spence Update Thread: https://forums.sim-football.com/showthre...?tid=28552