So, here I was, just minding my own business at the park when a strange looking rabbit popped up from out of a hole in the ground. I just happened to have a few carrots from my lunch left in a baggie. I offered the strange looking little rabbit a carrot when it turned around and I shrieked loudly. It spoke out and said, "Hey, dumb ass, does it look like I eat carrots?" I looked closer at this little creature before it finally dawned on me. It's a penguin!
I was puzzled and asked "What was... How did... You're a penguin!"
"My my don't we have an observant one here? This one's observant, ladies and gentlemen! A real keen eye, this one!"
"What... Why did.... How did you get in that hole?" I inquired.
The penguin replied, "Well, smarty, the question isn't how, but rather is why?"
"Umm, okay, well why?"
And just as soon as I opened my mouth the penguin aggressively grabbed my arm and pulled me into the hole from which he appeared. I, being a rather large human, wasn't easily giving in to being jerked around by a bossy penguin. We both tugged in opposite directions when suddenly he chomped down on my hand which led to a loud painful scream. That must've been the penguin's plan; to catch me off guard which allowed him to finally pull me in to the tiny hole. As my whole body was now in the hole it appeared as if we entered some sort of time warp, or a different dimension. Whatever it was, it certainly wasn't the park in Norfolk. After getting jerked around by weird gravitational forces I was finally shot out of a tiny hole from a tree. After a few barrel rolls and flips I finally came to a stop, but not before this annoying little penguin's ass landed on my face. I gathered myself and looked around wondering where I was. It was cold and eerie and trees lined every direction with thick fog layered to the ground. I looked around for the penguin, but I must have lost it's whereabouts as I looked around my surroundings. I could hear footsteps in the distance but couldn't see anything. The clomps of feet were getting closer and, now, started coming from all directions. My heart was racing. I was panicking. I sprinted without hesitation in the direction I was already facing. After a few large strides I turned to look behind me checking to make sure nothing was chasing me. As I turned my head back a large dark figure was motionless in front of me that stopped me in my tracks. I still couldn't quite make out what this was. "MUUUUURRDEEEERRRRR" this thing groaned as I raise my head toward the part of the figure from which the sound came. "MUUUUUURRDEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR" it groaned again. It quickly dashed toward my face and groaned in question, "MURDER?" This thing's feet stomped in rhythm four times and the fog disappeared in an instant. Before me was as giant moose with that annoying little penguin sitting atop the moose's head while holding on to the antlers. The penguin hopped down and introduced itself:
"I am Adelie de Pengu."
"Uhh. You know that just means Penguin the Penguin, right?" I asked.
Adelie shook his head in disgust, "Yes! Just say Adelie de Pengu and don't think about it. It sounds more heroic when you say Adelie de Pengu."
"Does this one talk as well?" As I pointed to the giant moose.
"Do you think before asking questions? Of course she speaks. You literally just heard her say murder." Adelie answered. "She's the boss of these woods."
Just then the moose spoke with a commanding tone, "I am Melvin, and I am a murder moose."
"What's a murder moose?" I inquired.
"If you continue asking questions you'll be sure to find out." Melvin responded with a grin. "We are the one asking questions here."
Adelie handed me a large block of wood with writing carved on it. He instructed me to walk toward the bright red tree and to sit down at the desk beyond it. I followed his instructions and got to the desk where I sat down and began reading the carved wood:
"Is that what Hangry and Hidiot means?" I fire back.
"Yup. Melvin gets hungry all the time so we created a chart of her behavior to develop the Hunger Spectrum. If she is raging that means she's hangry. If she's acting dopey that means she's hidiot. She could fall anywhere in between too."
Just then everyone broke free from whatever glitch they were caught in as Albert went to ask Melvin what she needed to eat. She informed him that she wanted Mexican. Albert immediately turned to Adelie and said "We go through this every time. Just ask her what she wants. Her answer gives you your answer. Dammit, get to know your moose better! Mexican means she's hidiot." I was finally clued in to the fact that this was an actual football team and they brought me here as a scouting trip. Everything was starting to make sense. It was a little odd compared to the rest, but it was making sense now. The rest of the team showed up for the Mexican dinner and I was invited to stay and got to meet players like Mattathias Caliban, Magnus Rikiya, Joel Drake, Xmus Flaxon Jaxon-Waxon, Redbeard McFredbeard, and others. I tripped over myself as I sat down and muttered "maybe I'm the hidiot." Melvin asked if I was hungry for some sneakers and everyone turned toward her with suspicion. "Snickers! Snickers! I meant Snickers, dammit!"
After I forked in my last bite from dinner I was sent rushing toward a giant opening in the sky before I could even swallow. I was twirling and phasing through another dimension suddenly just as I was before. My head crashed into something hard as I felt a very narrow opening on my head. It's like I was being crammed into a small space my large body couldn't fit. The force from the unknown dimension kept thrusting me into this small opening that I slowly felt giving way to me. Finally, as if the earth gave birth, I was pushed through the same hole in the ground that I entered previously. I began to notice that nothing really changed from when I had left before. It felt like I was gone for hours, but the same people were at the park doing the same things as before. By the placement of the sun I also gathered that it was about the same time as before. "What just happened to me?" I muttered quietly. I wasn't sure what happened, but I couldn't help but wonder if I made a good impression on a strange moose and her friends.
I was puzzled and asked "What was... How did... You're a penguin!"
"My my don't we have an observant one here? This one's observant, ladies and gentlemen! A real keen eye, this one!"
"What... Why did.... How did you get in that hole?" I inquired.
The penguin replied, "Well, smarty, the question isn't how, but rather is why?"
"Umm, okay, well why?"
And just as soon as I opened my mouth the penguin aggressively grabbed my arm and pulled me into the hole from which he appeared. I, being a rather large human, wasn't easily giving in to being jerked around by a bossy penguin. We both tugged in opposite directions when suddenly he chomped down on my hand which led to a loud painful scream. That must've been the penguin's plan; to catch me off guard which allowed him to finally pull me in to the tiny hole. As my whole body was now in the hole it appeared as if we entered some sort of time warp, or a different dimension. Whatever it was, it certainly wasn't the park in Norfolk. After getting jerked around by weird gravitational forces I was finally shot out of a tiny hole from a tree. After a few barrel rolls and flips I finally came to a stop, but not before this annoying little penguin's ass landed on my face. I gathered myself and looked around wondering where I was. It was cold and eerie and trees lined every direction with thick fog layered to the ground. I looked around for the penguin, but I must have lost it's whereabouts as I looked around my surroundings. I could hear footsteps in the distance but couldn't see anything. The clomps of feet were getting closer and, now, started coming from all directions. My heart was racing. I was panicking. I sprinted without hesitation in the direction I was already facing. After a few large strides I turned to look behind me checking to make sure nothing was chasing me. As I turned my head back a large dark figure was motionless in front of me that stopped me in my tracks. I still couldn't quite make out what this was. "MUUUUURRDEEEERRRRR" this thing groaned as I raise my head toward the part of the figure from which the sound came. "MUUUUUURRDEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR" it groaned again. It quickly dashed toward my face and groaned in question, "MURDER?" This thing's feet stomped in rhythm four times and the fog disappeared in an instant. Before me was as giant moose with that annoying little penguin sitting atop the moose's head while holding on to the antlers. The penguin hopped down and introduced itself:
"I am Adelie de Pengu."
"Uhh. You know that just means Penguin the Penguin, right?" I asked.
Adelie shook his head in disgust, "Yes! Just say Adelie de Pengu and don't think about it. It sounds more heroic when you say Adelie de Pengu."
"Does this one talk as well?" As I pointed to the giant moose.
"Do you think before asking questions? Of course she speaks. You literally just heard her say murder." Adelie answered. "She's the boss of these woods."
Just then the moose spoke with a commanding tone, "I am Melvin, and I am a murder moose."
"What's a murder moose?" I inquired.
"If you continue asking questions you'll be sure to find out." Melvin responded with a grin. "We are the one asking questions here."
Adelie handed me a large block of wood with writing carved on it. He instructed me to walk toward the bright red tree and to sit down at the desk beyond it. I followed his instructions and got to the desk where I sat down and began reading the carved wood:
You have been captured by a Yeti.
Your football talents are of interest to us.
Please answer the following questions so we know how to pursue:
1. What goals do you have for your playing career?
2. Do you like coffee?
3. How do you like playing football?
4. Do you like coffee?
5. What else do you enjoy besides football?
6. Do you like coffee?
7. Are you enjoying your time at Norfolk?
8. Do you like coffee?
Place this tablet on the triangle carved on the desk then take the knife that appears. Draw blood from your arm and write your responses on the reverse side of the tablet with your blood.
Your football talents are of interest to us.
Please answer the following questions so we know how to pursue:
1. What goals do you have for your playing career?
2. Do you like coffee?
3. How do you like playing football?
4. Do you like coffee?
5. What else do you enjoy besides football?
6. Do you like coffee?
7. Are you enjoying your time at Norfolk?
8. Do you like coffee?
Place this tablet on the triangle carved on the desk then take the knife that appears. Draw blood from your arm and write your responses on the reverse side of the tablet with your blood.
I question why I'm following the instructions of a weird looking penguin and a drunken moose on a large wooden tablet, but I do what I'm told anyway. I place the tablet on the triangle and a knife falls from the sky and sticks dead center in the wooden tablet. I struggle pulling the knife out, but end up jarring it loose. As I examine this knife I see that it has my name engraved on it "Miles Weperom." I take it and rest my thumb upon the blade while second guessing my decisions. Finally, I pierce the skin on my forearm and slide it down my arm. Surprisingly, it doesn't hurt. Despite the blood now dripping down my arm, I don't feel anything. I coat the tip of the blade in blood as I write out my answers:
1. I want to be famous. But most of all, I want to provide peace of mind to any team I play for. I'm easy to manage and will always do what's best for the team.
2. Yes.
3. It's what I've always done. I feel like it's what I was born to do.
4. Yes. I like it with cream.
5. I've mostly always gravitated toward sports. Basketball, hockey, and of course football. I've played my fair share of video games as well.
6. Yes. I could drive coffee all hours of the day.
7. Norfolk has been great. I could ask for a better leadership team to prepare me for the big leagues.
8. Yes! I love coffee. Why the need to ask this so many times?
2. Yes.
3. It's what I've always done. I feel like it's what I was born to do.
4. Yes. I like it with cream.
5. I've mostly always gravitated toward sports. Basketball, hockey, and of course football. I've played my fair share of video games as well.
6. Yes. I could drive coffee all hours of the day.
7. Norfolk has been great. I could ask for a better leadership team to prepare me for the big leagues.
8. Yes! I love coffee. Why the need to ask this so many times?
I finished writing out my responses as I heard loud groaning and many concerned voices coming from a line of yellow trees. I cautiously wandered over where I saw several humans, like me, surrounding Melvin whom was grumbling and muttering incoherently. Adelie was pacing back and forth and continued to repeat, "Hangry. Hidiot. Hangry. Hidiot." I was incredibly confused by what was happening that I took a few steps back and continued to observe. After a few minutes of watching this commotion on loop another human walked up beside me and said, "Hey there, I'm Albert." The ordeal in front of me was still so entertaining that I only turned to the man and nodded toward him before turning to watch Melvin, Adelie, and the other people.
"Why is everyone just doing the same thing? It's like they're on repeat." I asked Albert.
With experience Albert answered, "Melvin is hungry again. Whenever Adelie gets himself worked up because of Melvin's hunger he causes a glitch in our matrix. The rest of the guys were trying to calm Melvin down and understand where she was on the hunger spectrum before Adelie fucked everything up. I just went to reset our matrix."
"Why is everyone just doing the same thing? It's like they're on repeat." I asked Albert.
With experience Albert answered, "Melvin is hungry again. Whenever Adelie gets himself worked up because of Melvin's hunger he causes a glitch in our matrix. The rest of the guys were trying to calm Melvin down and understand where she was on the hunger spectrum before Adelie fucked everything up. I just went to reset our matrix."
"Is that what Hangry and Hidiot means?" I fire back.
"Yup. Melvin gets hungry all the time so we created a chart of her behavior to develop the Hunger Spectrum. If she is raging that means she's hangry. If she's acting dopey that means she's hidiot. She could fall anywhere in between too."
Just then everyone broke free from whatever glitch they were caught in as Albert went to ask Melvin what she needed to eat. She informed him that she wanted Mexican. Albert immediately turned to Adelie and said "We go through this every time. Just ask her what she wants. Her answer gives you your answer. Dammit, get to know your moose better! Mexican means she's hidiot." I was finally clued in to the fact that this was an actual football team and they brought me here as a scouting trip. Everything was starting to make sense. It was a little odd compared to the rest, but it was making sense now. The rest of the team showed up for the Mexican dinner and I was invited to stay and got to meet players like Mattathias Caliban, Magnus Rikiya, Joel Drake, Xmus Flaxon Jaxon-Waxon, Redbeard McFredbeard, and others. I tripped over myself as I sat down and muttered "maybe I'm the hidiot." Melvin asked if I was hungry for some sneakers and everyone turned toward her with suspicion. "Snickers! Snickers! I meant Snickers, dammit!"
After I forked in my last bite from dinner I was sent rushing toward a giant opening in the sky before I could even swallow. I was twirling and phasing through another dimension suddenly just as I was before. My head crashed into something hard as I felt a very narrow opening on my head. It's like I was being crammed into a small space my large body couldn't fit. The force from the unknown dimension kept thrusting me into this small opening that I slowly felt giving way to me. Finally, as if the earth gave birth, I was pushed through the same hole in the ground that I entered previously. I began to notice that nothing really changed from when I had left before. It felt like I was gone for hours, but the same people were at the park doing the same things as before. By the placement of the sun I also gathered that it was about the same time as before. "What just happened to me?" I muttered quietly. I wasn't sure what happened, but I couldn't help but wonder if I made a good impression on a strange moose and her friends.
Code:
Words: 1732