08-26-2021, 11:25 PM
(This post was last modified: 08-29-2021, 12:01 AM by allbetsonjames. Edited 3 times in total.)
Graders please pay @Big_Papi 100%
shrub: Good morning, evening, or whatever time it is for ya'll football addicts. Welcome to this interview. We have a very special guest on. The one. The only. Mr Bill de la T. Dauterive. Did I pronounce that right?
Dauterive: Actually my full name is William Fontaine de La Tour Dauterive, but due to the powers that be, my name has been reduced to the shell of a man name you see on the official roster. I, for one, am proud of my bayou and French roots and I will be dammed if you think I won’t be demanding a change to the name policy once I have have established myself in this league as a serious “dude.” But anyways, my friends all call me Bill, so you can call me Mr. Dauterive, or Sargent Dauterive. Unless you’re some kind of cheerleader with those red cheeks on your profile picture, in which case you can call me “The Billdozer.” Oh, and thank you for having me on this interview, it’s a pleasure.
shrub: Very good Sergeant Dauterive. Or Sarn't as I heard the cool kids call you. I'm glad to have you on. Please, tell us a bit about yourself.
Dauterive: Oh man where to begin...well I was born in the Louisiana and moved to the great state of Texas as a young boy. I went to Arlen High School where I proceeded to set numerous records as a member of the Longhorns football team. In fact, I was so hard to bring down that I earned the nickname “The Billdozer” which many people in Arlen still call me to this day. Although a more appropriate nickname would probably be “Brett Farve” both because I’m really old and also because I’ve come out of retirement so many times. What can I say? I love the battling on the gridiron alongside my comrades. Almost as much as I love my ex-wife Lenore. I’m hoping I can win an MVP trophy or championship ring so I can give it to my sweet Lenore and hopefully come back to me. When I’m not training for football or thinking about Lenore, I’m usually hanging out with my friends in the alleyway drinking some cold Alamo beer, or I’m on base cutting hair. I have been a barber in the United States Army going on 20 years and it’s just about as fun as playing football.
shrub: Would you say that your skills as a barber have helped your return to football?
Dauterive: Oh most definitely. As a linebacker, anything that helps me recognize a play or pattern quicker gives me a huge advantage. With my long career as a barber, I have seen it all and it has helped me translate that knowledge and experience to the playing field. Let’s just say, offenses are petrified to run any type of fades in my zone, otherwise big bad Dauterive will be right there ready to cut some heads. Although I’ll tell you barbering has also hurt my return to football, what with the carpal tunnel syndrome and all...
shrub: Well that doesn't seem to be hindering you much. I see you're in the top ten in tackles and have 7 sacks to go along with that. How would you define your performance in the DSFL so far?
Dauterive: Well you know what they say, big time players step up in big games. And I consider every game I play in to be big so that’s why you’re seeing the stat line looking like that. To tell you the truth all the pain just goes away after I take a shot of this horse steroid thing. My high school coach used to give it to us all the time when we got hurt and I’ve sort’ve been hooked to the stuff ever since. Wait, that’s not an illegal substance is it ?
shrub: Sounds like injectable TPE. Nothing wrong with that... If I remember correctly you used to play RB in high school. What made you decide to play LB in the pros?
Dauterive: Oh no, our running back was my best friend Hank. I actually played defensive line because I was basically a brick wall on defense. However I did set the record for most rushing TDs at my high school. I was put in as fullback on the short distance plays because I was impossible to take down. Over the years though after I left football I got very fat and out of shape so my doctor strongly recommended I diet and exercise more after all of my health problems. So ever since I started training again, I’ve been even faster and stronger than I was in high school. But unfortunately I am too slim to play on the D line anymore so naturally linebacker was a better position for me.
shrub: It is incredible to to see how you've made an impact on the field after not playing for so long. How were you feeling the night of your DSFL draft?
Dauterive: To be honest, I was so excited and nervous I couldn’t even sleep the night before ! I invited all of my friends to my house for a draft party and we all had a great time ! We must’ve went through a whole tank of propane during that BBQ we had. Except the only bad part was that I was drafted so late, that the party was already over and everyone had left home by the time my name was announced. It was pretty humiliating as many of my friends were questioning whether I was being delusional. They didn’t think I had actually joined a new football league and they sure didn’t believe that I was good enough to be drafted. Anyways, extremely hungover and feeling like death, I woke up the next day to missed calls and texts from the coach of the Coyotes to find that I had been drafted after all ! I immediately went to tell all my friends and they still didn’t believe me. They actually didn’t start believing me until I played in my first game of the season. So definitely a mixed bag of emotions during draft night.
shrub: Wow I bet you have something to prove now
Dauterive: The only thing I have to prove is the love for my ex-wife Lenore. She left me because I don’t think I showed her enough love so I’m hoping she sees how hard I’ve been working on the football field to gain her love back and she returns to me. That’s really the only motivation that has been fueling my return. I remember in high school all the girls loved me because I was such a stud so now Lenore just has to watch one of our games and I just know she’ll want me back ! Believe you me, there’s a new Billdozer in town and he’s better than ever. I hope the ISFL is ready for me because I’m about to rock the whole league !
shrub: Speaking of ISFL, what were your feelings like when you got drafted to the big leagues? Are you happy heading to Orange County?
Dauterive: If I can keep it real for a second with you, big brother, I gotta be honest. Both after I was drafted to the DSFL and then the ISFL I’ve developed a huge chip on my shoulder. Each game it grows larger and larger due to the fact that I carry a feeling of disrespect for being picked so close to the end. I took that very personally because I felt teams were judging a book by its cover. I know I’m not much to look at, I don’t exactly scream athlete when you see me. But while everyone was focused on the size of my gut, they completely overlooked the size of my heart. I love the struggle, I love the pain, I love the disrespect. It fuels my fire. Every time the offense decides to run the ball my way, I am energized by the disrespect. Every time they offense only puts two or three players to block me, I feel disrespected. And every time the quarterback decides to throw it my way, I get a stiffy full of disrespect between my legs because they thought they could complete a pass on me. I love Orange County, got myself a nice little studio apartment. It’s not much but it’s all I can afford out here in Southern California due to the high rent. I actually have two other jobs besides playing in this league just to make ends meet. But it’s just like my pa always used to say, “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” I carry that mindset with me in all that I do, so when I feel depleted of energy after working a double shift at McDonald’s with no overtime pay, and feel like exploding in a fit of rage and burning down the whole establishment, I remember the wise words of my old man and it pulls me through those tough times.
shrub: I definitely see that pent up rage coming out one the field as you helped the Coyotes achieve victories. You guys barely missed the playoffs. How did the team respond?
Dauterive: Well it was funny really, after we lost that heartbreaker of a game, fingers immediately started pointing around the locker room. Everyone was against everyone, we all needed someone to blame. But then one of my teammates started pointing their fingers in my direction, and let’s just say all the pent up rage and frustration I’ve had this last season came bursting out all at once. I walked right up to the man who was pointing at me (I won’t say who it was on account of I’m a gentleman and I want to respect their privacy) and I cracked him right across his glass jaw. The motherf@&k$# still needs a tube to drink all his precious water. Oh and the funniest thing happened it turns out he wasn’t pointing at me to point the blame at me. No, he was actually trying to ask me if I wanted some water, it was the water boy. It was all a misunderstanding, I really thought that everyone was blaming me for the loss at the end of the game. I guess the anger I felt caused me to go into a blinding rage. All my teammates started trying to calm me down and tell me I was being paranoid, but I don’t know I guess I blacked out because the next thing I know I’m outside the stadium in my car that is covered in what I can only say looked and smelled an awful lot like blood. I heard a thumping sound coming from the trunk and some moaning and quiet screams. Imagining only the worst, I couldn’t believe I had let this happen again. Noticing I wasn’t far from Sunset cliffs, I drove the car off the cliff and jumped out right before it fell off the road into a 600ft fall down a deep dark abyss. I try not to think about the loss anymore.
Bill stares at shrub with the look of an ice cold killer
shrub: ...
Bill's stare intensifies
shrub: Have I told you I'm a big fan of yours
The vein in Bill's neck begins to throb
shrub: Please don't hurt me
Bill smirks and leans back in his chair
shrub: Anyways let's move on from that subject. What are your goals once you make it to the big leagues?
Dauterive: My goal once I am brought up to the big leagues is to become the fiercest, most feared linebacker in the entire league. I have always had this idea that linebackers have to be the biggest, meanest people on defense, and since linebacker is a new position to be, I’ve sort’ve tried enveloping myself into that role. You know what they say, you gotta fake it until you make it! So ever since I began playing this new position I have tried just changing my whole attitude from wanting to do whatever I could to help our team win to doing whatever I could to punish the opposing players. My biggest role models growing up were Dick Butkus, Bill Romanowski, and Ray Lewis. Their style of play has been my main inspiration and guiding light as I transition myself to this new position. So once I get to the big leagues, I’m going to walk up to the biggest, baddest guy on our team, and I’m gonna whoop his ass in front of the whole team. Penitentiary rules in effect, no holds bars I’m gonna open up a can of whoop-ass. I heard the big dog on the yard is a fella by the name of Bender Rodriguez. I don’t know I guess I’ll have to see it with my own eyes to believe it.
shrub: Can confirm. What they say about Bender is true. Care to predict what kind of stats you'll produce in your rookie campaign?
Dauterive: I don’t think it’s out of the realm of possibility to put down a 50 piece. And I’m not talking about chicken nuggets either. Even if my stats aren’t great, as long as I’m locking my zone down and helping my team win, I’ll be a happy camper. I’d rather have a championship ring riding the bench than win MVP on a losing football team. In the wise words of my friend Ricky, “If you ain’t first, you’re last.”
shrub: Ain't that the truth. Well that's all I got for you Sergeant Billdozer. Is there anything else you would like fans to know?
Dauterive: Yeah I want to tell the fans to keep an eye out for big number 72 out on the field when I get called up to the big leagues. Until then, you can watch him battle it out in the DSFL with my main squad, THE COYOTES !!! AWOOOOOOO! AHH-AWOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
shrub: An interview and a show! Well it was a pleasure to have you on Mr. Dauterive
Dauterive: The pleasure is all mine, my good man.
shrub: Good morning, evening, or whatever time it is for ya'll football addicts. Welcome to this interview. We have a very special guest on. The one. The only. Mr Bill de la T. Dauterive. Did I pronounce that right?
Dauterive: Actually my full name is William Fontaine de La Tour Dauterive, but due to the powers that be, my name has been reduced to the shell of a man name you see on the official roster. I, for one, am proud of my bayou and French roots and I will be dammed if you think I won’t be demanding a change to the name policy once I have have established myself in this league as a serious “dude.” But anyways, my friends all call me Bill, so you can call me Mr. Dauterive, or Sargent Dauterive. Unless you’re some kind of cheerleader with those red cheeks on your profile picture, in which case you can call me “The Billdozer.” Oh, and thank you for having me on this interview, it’s a pleasure.
shrub: Very good Sergeant Dauterive. Or Sarn't as I heard the cool kids call you. I'm glad to have you on. Please, tell us a bit about yourself.
Dauterive: Oh man where to begin...well I was born in the Louisiana and moved to the great state of Texas as a young boy. I went to Arlen High School where I proceeded to set numerous records as a member of the Longhorns football team. In fact, I was so hard to bring down that I earned the nickname “The Billdozer” which many people in Arlen still call me to this day. Although a more appropriate nickname would probably be “Brett Farve” both because I’m really old and also because I’ve come out of retirement so many times. What can I say? I love the battling on the gridiron alongside my comrades. Almost as much as I love my ex-wife Lenore. I’m hoping I can win an MVP trophy or championship ring so I can give it to my sweet Lenore and hopefully come back to me. When I’m not training for football or thinking about Lenore, I’m usually hanging out with my friends in the alleyway drinking some cold Alamo beer, or I’m on base cutting hair. I have been a barber in the United States Army going on 20 years and it’s just about as fun as playing football.
shrub: Would you say that your skills as a barber have helped your return to football?
Dauterive: Oh most definitely. As a linebacker, anything that helps me recognize a play or pattern quicker gives me a huge advantage. With my long career as a barber, I have seen it all and it has helped me translate that knowledge and experience to the playing field. Let’s just say, offenses are petrified to run any type of fades in my zone, otherwise big bad Dauterive will be right there ready to cut some heads. Although I’ll tell you barbering has also hurt my return to football, what with the carpal tunnel syndrome and all...
shrub: Well that doesn't seem to be hindering you much. I see you're in the top ten in tackles and have 7 sacks to go along with that. How would you define your performance in the DSFL so far?
Dauterive: Well you know what they say, big time players step up in big games. And I consider every game I play in to be big so that’s why you’re seeing the stat line looking like that. To tell you the truth all the pain just goes away after I take a shot of this horse steroid thing. My high school coach used to give it to us all the time when we got hurt and I’ve sort’ve been hooked to the stuff ever since. Wait, that’s not an illegal substance is it ?
shrub: Sounds like injectable TPE. Nothing wrong with that... If I remember correctly you used to play RB in high school. What made you decide to play LB in the pros?
Dauterive: Oh no, our running back was my best friend Hank. I actually played defensive line because I was basically a brick wall on defense. However I did set the record for most rushing TDs at my high school. I was put in as fullback on the short distance plays because I was impossible to take down. Over the years though after I left football I got very fat and out of shape so my doctor strongly recommended I diet and exercise more after all of my health problems. So ever since I started training again, I’ve been even faster and stronger than I was in high school. But unfortunately I am too slim to play on the D line anymore so naturally linebacker was a better position for me.
shrub: It is incredible to to see how you've made an impact on the field after not playing for so long. How were you feeling the night of your DSFL draft?
Dauterive: To be honest, I was so excited and nervous I couldn’t even sleep the night before ! I invited all of my friends to my house for a draft party and we all had a great time ! We must’ve went through a whole tank of propane during that BBQ we had. Except the only bad part was that I was drafted so late, that the party was already over and everyone had left home by the time my name was announced. It was pretty humiliating as many of my friends were questioning whether I was being delusional. They didn’t think I had actually joined a new football league and they sure didn’t believe that I was good enough to be drafted. Anyways, extremely hungover and feeling like death, I woke up the next day to missed calls and texts from the coach of the Coyotes to find that I had been drafted after all ! I immediately went to tell all my friends and they still didn’t believe me. They actually didn’t start believing me until I played in my first game of the season. So definitely a mixed bag of emotions during draft night.
shrub: Wow I bet you have something to prove now
Dauterive: The only thing I have to prove is the love for my ex-wife Lenore. She left me because I don’t think I showed her enough love so I’m hoping she sees how hard I’ve been working on the football field to gain her love back and she returns to me. That’s really the only motivation that has been fueling my return. I remember in high school all the girls loved me because I was such a stud so now Lenore just has to watch one of our games and I just know she’ll want me back ! Believe you me, there’s a new Billdozer in town and he’s better than ever. I hope the ISFL is ready for me because I’m about to rock the whole league !
shrub: Speaking of ISFL, what were your feelings like when you got drafted to the big leagues? Are you happy heading to Orange County?
Dauterive: If I can keep it real for a second with you, big brother, I gotta be honest. Both after I was drafted to the DSFL and then the ISFL I’ve developed a huge chip on my shoulder. Each game it grows larger and larger due to the fact that I carry a feeling of disrespect for being picked so close to the end. I took that very personally because I felt teams were judging a book by its cover. I know I’m not much to look at, I don’t exactly scream athlete when you see me. But while everyone was focused on the size of my gut, they completely overlooked the size of my heart. I love the struggle, I love the pain, I love the disrespect. It fuels my fire. Every time the offense decides to run the ball my way, I am energized by the disrespect. Every time they offense only puts two or three players to block me, I feel disrespected. And every time the quarterback decides to throw it my way, I get a stiffy full of disrespect between my legs because they thought they could complete a pass on me. I love Orange County, got myself a nice little studio apartment. It’s not much but it’s all I can afford out here in Southern California due to the high rent. I actually have two other jobs besides playing in this league just to make ends meet. But it’s just like my pa always used to say, “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” I carry that mindset with me in all that I do, so when I feel depleted of energy after working a double shift at McDonald’s with no overtime pay, and feel like exploding in a fit of rage and burning down the whole establishment, I remember the wise words of my old man and it pulls me through those tough times.
shrub: I definitely see that pent up rage coming out one the field as you helped the Coyotes achieve victories. You guys barely missed the playoffs. How did the team respond?
Dauterive: Well it was funny really, after we lost that heartbreaker of a game, fingers immediately started pointing around the locker room. Everyone was against everyone, we all needed someone to blame. But then one of my teammates started pointing their fingers in my direction, and let’s just say all the pent up rage and frustration I’ve had this last season came bursting out all at once. I walked right up to the man who was pointing at me (I won’t say who it was on account of I’m a gentleman and I want to respect their privacy) and I cracked him right across his glass jaw. The motherf@&k$# still needs a tube to drink all his precious water. Oh and the funniest thing happened it turns out he wasn’t pointing at me to point the blame at me. No, he was actually trying to ask me if I wanted some water, it was the water boy. It was all a misunderstanding, I really thought that everyone was blaming me for the loss at the end of the game. I guess the anger I felt caused me to go into a blinding rage. All my teammates started trying to calm me down and tell me I was being paranoid, but I don’t know I guess I blacked out because the next thing I know I’m outside the stadium in my car that is covered in what I can only say looked and smelled an awful lot like blood. I heard a thumping sound coming from the trunk and some moaning and quiet screams. Imagining only the worst, I couldn’t believe I had let this happen again. Noticing I wasn’t far from Sunset cliffs, I drove the car off the cliff and jumped out right before it fell off the road into a 600ft fall down a deep dark abyss. I try not to think about the loss anymore.
Bill stares at shrub with the look of an ice cold killer
shrub: ...
Bill's stare intensifies
shrub: Have I told you I'm a big fan of yours
The vein in Bill's neck begins to throb
shrub: Please don't hurt me
Bill smirks and leans back in his chair
shrub: Anyways let's move on from that subject. What are your goals once you make it to the big leagues?
Dauterive: My goal once I am brought up to the big leagues is to become the fiercest, most feared linebacker in the entire league. I have always had this idea that linebackers have to be the biggest, meanest people on defense, and since linebacker is a new position to be, I’ve sort’ve tried enveloping myself into that role. You know what they say, you gotta fake it until you make it! So ever since I began playing this new position I have tried just changing my whole attitude from wanting to do whatever I could to help our team win to doing whatever I could to punish the opposing players. My biggest role models growing up were Dick Butkus, Bill Romanowski, and Ray Lewis. Their style of play has been my main inspiration and guiding light as I transition myself to this new position. So once I get to the big leagues, I’m going to walk up to the biggest, baddest guy on our team, and I’m gonna whoop his ass in front of the whole team. Penitentiary rules in effect, no holds bars I’m gonna open up a can of whoop-ass. I heard the big dog on the yard is a fella by the name of Bender Rodriguez. I don’t know I guess I’ll have to see it with my own eyes to believe it.
shrub: Can confirm. What they say about Bender is true. Care to predict what kind of stats you'll produce in your rookie campaign?
Dauterive: I don’t think it’s out of the realm of possibility to put down a 50 piece. And I’m not talking about chicken nuggets either. Even if my stats aren’t great, as long as I’m locking my zone down and helping my team win, I’ll be a happy camper. I’d rather have a championship ring riding the bench than win MVP on a losing football team. In the wise words of my friend Ricky, “If you ain’t first, you’re last.”
shrub: Ain't that the truth. Well that's all I got for you Sergeant Billdozer. Is there anything else you would like fans to know?
Dauterive: Yeah I want to tell the fans to keep an eye out for big number 72 out on the field when I get called up to the big leagues. Until then, you can watch him battle it out in the DSFL with my main squad, THE COYOTES !!! AWOOOOOOO! AHH-AWOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
shrub: An interview and a show! Well it was a pleasure to have you on Mr. Dauterive
Dauterive: The pleasure is all mine, my good man.
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