12-05-2021, 05:13 PM
(This post was last modified: 12-07-2021, 04:44 AM by .simo. Edited 1 time in total.)
The year is 2047 and football has developed popularity throughout the galaxy. One day, in the middle of an icy space in Alaska, a spaceship appears. The spaceship is eerily similar in dimensions to a football stadium. Out of the spaceship comes 24 aliens. The lead alien pulls out a copy of Space Jam, sent into space in a sort of time capsule by NASA in the 90s. The aliens demand that they recreate the movie with a football all-star team. The ISFL commissioner receives a call from President Doja Cat. Swanty needs to put together a superteam to defeat the aliens, or else they’re going to steal the Statue of Liberty. But Swanty has a secret. He knows that Space Jam is just a marketing scheme. So Swanty calls on his most marketable players to go to Alaska and defeat the alien squad.
QB: Jackie Daytona
At QB, Swanty selects the ever-confident Jackie Daytona. He is a perfect choice both to win the football game and to get eyes on the game. Daytona is the signal-caller for one of the ISFLs best teams, he has proven himself over several years, and he is still in his prime. Daytona’s bold persona, talent, and ties to the Texas market make him the perfect front-man for the ISFL superteam.
RB: Goat Tank
Goat Tank is a quiet man. He doesn’t need to speak much. His absurd stats and playmaking ability do all the talking for him. Tank is a household name at this point, in no small part due to his status as the automatic #1 pick in any fantasy draft. Nobody pulls viewers in like the guy who they all have on their fantasy team. Tank playing for the 9-4 Fire Salamanders doesn’t hurt his case either. His inspiring weight-loss story will also give ESPN plenty of graphics to put on the screen.
RB: Tatsu Nakamura
Nakamura is a legacy selection and I don’t care. The living legend will pull in millions of viewers as a beloved legend who still puts up gaudy numbers. Nakamura may end up serving as the Michael Jordan of this Space Jam roster. He is one of the faces of the ISFL even in his old age and he has to be included.
WR: Raphael Delacour
Raphael Delacour has enjoyed an excellent career as part of the Yeti’s air raid. In the past couple of seasons he has developed into a top 5 wide receiver. More importantly, Delacour is well-liked around the league and is one of the smartest players around. This endears him to fans and coaches alike, so he gets the WR1 spot on this team.
WR: Eleven Kendrick-Watts
Kendrick-Watts is a true superstar who still hasn’t entered his prime. The former first-overall pick plays for the team with the coolest branding. His name stands out to fans and he is the perfect guy to complement Delacour. Kendrick-Watts has starred at every level he’s played at and now, on the biggest stage, he looks to continue his superstardom.
WR: Jaycee Higgins
Higgins is one of the youngest players on the roster but it’s hard to say he didn’t earn it. Higgins has 10 touchdowns in his rookie season and will inject youthful energy into this roster. Higgins plays with a lot of swagger and is looking like one of the future faces of the league. Swanty hopes to connect with the younger demographic by including the 25 year old rookie.
TE: Adam Spencer
NOLA has had a rough season but their brash tight end has been one of the bright spots. The ever-hilarious Adam Spencer is second among TEs in receiving yards and 3rd in receiving touchdowns. He also has 24 pancakes, bringing physicality to a team that doesn’t really have a lot of it. His 6’6, 255 pound frame also adds needed size to a team that sorely lacks it.
OL: Icebox Riposte, Stumpy Jones, Alexander Franklin, Jaja DingDong, Felix Archstone
All of these guys have been absolutely incredible this season. Offensive line is one of the hardest positions to discuss but here’s a quick rundown. Riposte is 3rd in pancakes and has only allowed 1 sack all season to another guy on the superteam. Jones hasn’t allowed a sack in 3 seasons. Franklin, DingDong, and Archstone all are sack-free this year and all have 80+ pancakes. Sure, they all play tackle, but in this world it’s all just blocking.
DE: Medicinal Toblerone
The defensive end position is not in a very good spot right now but Toblerone is one of the few exceptions. Medicinal is good against the run and the pass and they have proven themself as the league’s best defensive end. Logistically, putting a massive chocolate bar up against a team of aliens holds another benefit. Who knows how they will react when they see a massive toblerone hobbling towards their QB.
DE: Leonard Taylor
Like Goat Tank, Taylor is quiet but productive. While his numbers are a far cry from Tank’s, he has been a force for the last few seasons. He got 5 forced fumbles this year and he also has 8 sacks to go with 9 TFLs. The ISFL superteam is definitely weakest along the defensive line, but that’s not to say that the DLine is bad.
DT: Dominos Pizzaman
Pizzaman is a great nose tackle, that’s all there is to it. He eats up blockers and is able to get people to the QB even without a blitz. He’s active, smart, and a good teammate. With the 3-3-5 defense the ISFL superteam intends to run, they need a guy like Pizzaman to eat up blockers.
LB: Big Slammu
He is a shark. Imagine for a second that you are an alien. You’ve done extensive research into humanity and their football culture. You challenge them to a football game. Expecting humans, you look over in your warmup and see a 240 pound shark man with anger/hunger in his eyes. You’d be terrified. Not only is Slammu absolutely horrifying to the opponent, but he is also ridiculously good on the football field. He has 17 sacks across 13 games this year and he got 19 sacks last year. Slammu has to be on the team.
LB: Xavier Walls
Walls is the captain of the Philadelphia defense. Everyone in Philadelphia loves Walls and that market needs to be tapped into. Like Slammu, Walls is more than good enough on the field to warrant a spot on the superteam without any off-the-field bonuses. He’s a versatile MLB, able to get sacks and stop the pass. He’ll be the captain of this team’s defense, manning the middle.
LB: Rusty Rucker
If I was an alien, there would be very few things I would be afraid of more than Rusty Rucker coming at me with a full head of steam. He’s forced 8 fumbles this season, more than 1 every other game. He’s a big hitter and that helps bring some attitude to this defense. One of the most important aspects of football is physicality and nobody in the league has more of that than Rucker.
CB: Swantavious Jones
For a long time, there has been a conspiracy floating around that commissioner Swanty and Swantavious Jones are the same person. They look very similar, almost identical, and speak in a similar way. This selection is not going to do anything to quiet that idea. Jones is one of the best corners in football, regardless of his relation to the commish. His 5 picks and 23 pass defenses speak for themselves.
CB: Rich Triplet
The elder statesman of the CB position, Triplet is another addition from the Arizona Outlaws’ retirement home. Triplet is an excellent leader and is one of the all-time leaders in pass defenses as well. Outside of the 2 seasons where he forgot how to catch, Triplet has been an excellent turnover threat as well.
CB: Juno Hu
This defense, for all of its talent, is lacking in swagger. And if you want to add some swagger to your defense then Juno Hu to call. Hu is cocky, loud, and most importantly, a great cornerback. His bold proclamations this offseason brought a lot of attention his way, and he’s backed it up this season with 30 pass defenses. If these aliens can speak english then Juno Hu is going to be talking their ears off all game long.
S: Pasta The Turtle
The likely DRoY has to make this team. In the era with the weakest safety play ever, The Turtle has made waves by snagging 5 interceptions and erasing anything thrown his way. Like Higgins, The Turtle will bring youth audiences into this game. Aliens will also be confused by a turtle playing safety, although he isn’t quite as intimidating as Slammu.
S: Cuco Clemente
Cuco Clemente has been the bright spot in the dark era of safeties. The wily veteran has been consistently excellent in the defensive backfield for Sarasota. Having a potential hall of famer in the backfield with a rookie star also opens up plenty of storylines for the media to obsess about on the way to the game. Clemente and The Turtle are a special tandem.
K/P: Freddy Bly
Freddy Bly is a wizard. He hasn’t missed a field goal all season and is the league leader in punts inside the 20. On the off chance that this team needs to punt, Bly is going to pin the aliens back and give the defense a chance to get a safety. Bly should be the perfect guy to give the superteam a slight edge in special teams.
Will this team be able to beat the aliens? It’s made up of some living legends, some current superstars, and some young prospects. The mixture of speed, strength, and physicality should give the aliens fits. Swanty wins regardless, as the ticket and jersey sales for this team will be off the hook.
QB: Jackie Daytona
At QB, Swanty selects the ever-confident Jackie Daytona. He is a perfect choice both to win the football game and to get eyes on the game. Daytona is the signal-caller for one of the ISFLs best teams, he has proven himself over several years, and he is still in his prime. Daytona’s bold persona, talent, and ties to the Texas market make him the perfect front-man for the ISFL superteam.
RB: Goat Tank
Goat Tank is a quiet man. He doesn’t need to speak much. His absurd stats and playmaking ability do all the talking for him. Tank is a household name at this point, in no small part due to his status as the automatic #1 pick in any fantasy draft. Nobody pulls viewers in like the guy who they all have on their fantasy team. Tank playing for the 9-4 Fire Salamanders doesn’t hurt his case either. His inspiring weight-loss story will also give ESPN plenty of graphics to put on the screen.
RB: Tatsu Nakamura
Nakamura is a legacy selection and I don’t care. The living legend will pull in millions of viewers as a beloved legend who still puts up gaudy numbers. Nakamura may end up serving as the Michael Jordan of this Space Jam roster. He is one of the faces of the ISFL even in his old age and he has to be included.
WR: Raphael Delacour
Raphael Delacour has enjoyed an excellent career as part of the Yeti’s air raid. In the past couple of seasons he has developed into a top 5 wide receiver. More importantly, Delacour is well-liked around the league and is one of the smartest players around. This endears him to fans and coaches alike, so he gets the WR1 spot on this team.
WR: Eleven Kendrick-Watts
Kendrick-Watts is a true superstar who still hasn’t entered his prime. The former first-overall pick plays for the team with the coolest branding. His name stands out to fans and he is the perfect guy to complement Delacour. Kendrick-Watts has starred at every level he’s played at and now, on the biggest stage, he looks to continue his superstardom.
WR: Jaycee Higgins
Higgins is one of the youngest players on the roster but it’s hard to say he didn’t earn it. Higgins has 10 touchdowns in his rookie season and will inject youthful energy into this roster. Higgins plays with a lot of swagger and is looking like one of the future faces of the league. Swanty hopes to connect with the younger demographic by including the 25 year old rookie.
TE: Adam Spencer
NOLA has had a rough season but their brash tight end has been one of the bright spots. The ever-hilarious Adam Spencer is second among TEs in receiving yards and 3rd in receiving touchdowns. He also has 24 pancakes, bringing physicality to a team that doesn’t really have a lot of it. His 6’6, 255 pound frame also adds needed size to a team that sorely lacks it.
OL: Icebox Riposte, Stumpy Jones, Alexander Franklin, Jaja DingDong, Felix Archstone
All of these guys have been absolutely incredible this season. Offensive line is one of the hardest positions to discuss but here’s a quick rundown. Riposte is 3rd in pancakes and has only allowed 1 sack all season to another guy on the superteam. Jones hasn’t allowed a sack in 3 seasons. Franklin, DingDong, and Archstone all are sack-free this year and all have 80+ pancakes. Sure, they all play tackle, but in this world it’s all just blocking.
DE: Medicinal Toblerone
The defensive end position is not in a very good spot right now but Toblerone is one of the few exceptions. Medicinal is good against the run and the pass and they have proven themself as the league’s best defensive end. Logistically, putting a massive chocolate bar up against a team of aliens holds another benefit. Who knows how they will react when they see a massive toblerone hobbling towards their QB.
DE: Leonard Taylor
Like Goat Tank, Taylor is quiet but productive. While his numbers are a far cry from Tank’s, he has been a force for the last few seasons. He got 5 forced fumbles this year and he also has 8 sacks to go with 9 TFLs. The ISFL superteam is definitely weakest along the defensive line, but that’s not to say that the DLine is bad.
DT: Dominos Pizzaman
Pizzaman is a great nose tackle, that’s all there is to it. He eats up blockers and is able to get people to the QB even without a blitz. He’s active, smart, and a good teammate. With the 3-3-5 defense the ISFL superteam intends to run, they need a guy like Pizzaman to eat up blockers.
LB: Big Slammu
He is a shark. Imagine for a second that you are an alien. You’ve done extensive research into humanity and their football culture. You challenge them to a football game. Expecting humans, you look over in your warmup and see a 240 pound shark man with anger/hunger in his eyes. You’d be terrified. Not only is Slammu absolutely horrifying to the opponent, but he is also ridiculously good on the football field. He has 17 sacks across 13 games this year and he got 19 sacks last year. Slammu has to be on the team.
LB: Xavier Walls
Walls is the captain of the Philadelphia defense. Everyone in Philadelphia loves Walls and that market needs to be tapped into. Like Slammu, Walls is more than good enough on the field to warrant a spot on the superteam without any off-the-field bonuses. He’s a versatile MLB, able to get sacks and stop the pass. He’ll be the captain of this team’s defense, manning the middle.
LB: Rusty Rucker
If I was an alien, there would be very few things I would be afraid of more than Rusty Rucker coming at me with a full head of steam. He’s forced 8 fumbles this season, more than 1 every other game. He’s a big hitter and that helps bring some attitude to this defense. One of the most important aspects of football is physicality and nobody in the league has more of that than Rucker.
CB: Swantavious Jones
For a long time, there has been a conspiracy floating around that commissioner Swanty and Swantavious Jones are the same person. They look very similar, almost identical, and speak in a similar way. This selection is not going to do anything to quiet that idea. Jones is one of the best corners in football, regardless of his relation to the commish. His 5 picks and 23 pass defenses speak for themselves.
CB: Rich Triplet
The elder statesman of the CB position, Triplet is another addition from the Arizona Outlaws’ retirement home. Triplet is an excellent leader and is one of the all-time leaders in pass defenses as well. Outside of the 2 seasons where he forgot how to catch, Triplet has been an excellent turnover threat as well.
CB: Juno Hu
This defense, for all of its talent, is lacking in swagger. And if you want to add some swagger to your defense then Juno Hu to call. Hu is cocky, loud, and most importantly, a great cornerback. His bold proclamations this offseason brought a lot of attention his way, and he’s backed it up this season with 30 pass defenses. If these aliens can speak english then Juno Hu is going to be talking their ears off all game long.
S: Pasta The Turtle
The likely DRoY has to make this team. In the era with the weakest safety play ever, The Turtle has made waves by snagging 5 interceptions and erasing anything thrown his way. Like Higgins, The Turtle will bring youth audiences into this game. Aliens will also be confused by a turtle playing safety, although he isn’t quite as intimidating as Slammu.
S: Cuco Clemente
Cuco Clemente has been the bright spot in the dark era of safeties. The wily veteran has been consistently excellent in the defensive backfield for Sarasota. Having a potential hall of famer in the backfield with a rookie star also opens up plenty of storylines for the media to obsess about on the way to the game. Clemente and The Turtle are a special tandem.
K/P: Freddy Bly
Freddy Bly is a wizard. He hasn’t missed a field goal all season and is the league leader in punts inside the 20. On the off chance that this team needs to punt, Bly is going to pin the aliens back and give the defense a chance to get a safety. Bly should be the perfect guy to give the superteam a slight edge in special teams.
Will this team be able to beat the aliens? It’s made up of some living legends, some current superstars, and some young prospects. The mixture of speed, strength, and physicality should give the aliens fits. Swanty wins regardless, as the ticket and jersey sales for this team will be off the hook.
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