*Quantifying Each Team By Their Stats, Which One Is Best?

Liter

As someone once probably said "Speed, Intelligence, and Strength are relatively important compared to other categories" so let's find out, which teams are the fastest, strongest, smartest, and the best overall. In this piece, I'm going to be using stats gathered from every roster in the DSFL, sorry ISFL posers. I've got the numbers, and made visual aids to help those that are "brain-impaired" follow along. Before I reveal my excellent research I just want to let you know that only stats from active players were taken into determining the average, or mean if you're one of those math weirdos. Now, time for a few words from our sponsor; "voice" "hammock" "darken" alright now back to the show. All of the statistical categories being examined in this wonderful piece of literature will be displayed by two types of graphs, one is a box and whisker plot, which is target to display the range, spread, mean, and median of every set of data. The second and much less cool sounding, is the bar graph, which is going to be showing you the simple average of each set of data. ONCE MORE, these graphs have been formulated using the stats for each attribute from every user made player from each DSFL roster.

NOTE: No kickers were included in this study, they would've screwed up everything (bad memories start flooding in*).

The first statistic I'm going to bring up is INTELLIGENCE, yes the stat that matters the most, or does it? Most people don't prioritize this statistic over the other stats like Strength and Speed, but it is still fascinating to analyze. This stat is one of the best "bragging rights" categories, how good will it feel to know that the team you're temporarily on is definitively, on average, slightly smarter than another team at the current moment. This stat will have lingering influences on the league as you will see in a bit.

Figure 1.1: This graph is the first graph I will be showing you, it is very "graph-like" in it's demeanor

OH BOY JUST LOOK AT THAT GRAPH!! This graph is color coded by the way, just in case you're listening to audio book version of this historic document. What this simple and smelly graph shows us is the average intelligence of every team, with Tijuana being the smartest of the teams and Minnesota looking like Ralph Wiggum. Do these numbers matter? Perhaps not, but I'd like to imagine that I didn't waste my time.

Figure 1.2: This graph is not a graph, ha just kidding, it's totally a graph. You should see the look on your face

So this a box and whisker plot, looks kind of funky honestly, lots of parts, hard to put together, just like the relationship between me and my Decepticon father. So this gives us some new insight on how stupid everybody is. The smaller each team's box is, the smaller the spread of intelligence amongst players on each team. The line going through each team's box indicates the median intelligence, and the "X" is the average intelligence, I won't tell you the difference, sorry, I'm a bit preoccupied. if you look closely at Norfolk's box they are the only team without a line, that is because I forgot and I only now realized, Norfolk can suck it though, what can they do to me? Tijuana doesn't have a line either? Jeez, imagine if I cared. Those dots you see are outliers, people so smart or so dumb that they weren't allowed to be a part of the squares, sucks for them. The lines protruding from the bottom and top of each box display the range of the data that isn't contained within the box but is close enough to not be considered an outlier. Let's get to the next category.

Next up, it's SPEED, oh yeah baby, everyone knows Speed is king in the sim. "Umm what should I upgrade next?" the answer: Speed, you always upgrade Speed. Already maxed out? Doesn't matter, upgrade it anyway and don't consider the consequences. Anyways here's the thingy:

Figure 2.1: Thingy

So this is it, satisfied? Of course you are, everyone likes what they see don't they, KCC at the top, and Norfolk at the bottom. Side note: Honest to God, I didn't plan on going hard on Norfolk like this but now I can't stop. Additional Side note: Carissa Van Campen is the best player in the league. Alright that was quite the tangent, but allow me to steady the focus of this article by examining what this truly means. It means that KCC is fast, REAL fast, drafting all 4 of the top 4 Wide Receivers in the draft will do that to a team. I don't know why Norfolk is so slow though, I'd reach out to them for a possible explanation but, as you now know, they are incredibly slow, which means it might take 19-30 business days for that response to arrive.

Figure 2.2: I ran out of water, brb

Alright I'm back, refreshed and with a burning passion to get this done as soon as possible. Bad jokes aside, this graph is quite something, ain't she? we can see that Minnesota has the largest range and spread out of all the teams. Despite having the fastest players, their average is brought down by one of the slowest players. I didn't want to disclose who any of those players are, also, I didn't bother to find out, but they know who they are, and they should be ashamed of themselves. KCC's fastest player isn't even that fast as you can see, but they have the highest average because they have the most players with high speed. Does speed equal success? No, Norfolk just squashed KCC so, apparently, the slower you are, the better.

I never know what the right amount of times to space out each category is so I've been alternating between a few different numbers that I don't remember... oh this is on? Welcome to the next statistical masterpiece sub category, this time, we're talking about SPEE- wait no, I just did that, I meant STRENGTH. Oh yeah baby, pump those irons cuz these numbers are all about arm strength! Here is graph, I named him Giraffe the Graph (am I suppose to capitalize "the?").

Figure 3.1: Giraffe The Graph (still unsure about the "T" btw)

This one is a DOOZY, remember those graphs I showed you about Speed? Well, this is gonna blow your mind, look at the fastest and slowest teams, then give me all of your money, and then look at the strongest and weakest teams. Notice something? If you didn't you're probably on the Grey Ducks, haha, those guys are dumdums. What? I'm not angry that they're faster than my team; The GLORIOUS Kansas City COYOTES!! This is an objective and scientific study backed by A brilliant person, no opinions, only science and the periodic table and isotopes and other things. So anyways, what you should've noticed is that the KC Coyotes, the fastest team, is also the weakest team, and that the Norfolk Seawolves (dumb name), the slowest team, is also the strongest team. It clearly shows where each team's priorities lie. This flip-flopping is only truly seen by these two teams, if you look at Minnesota, they're the 3rd weakest and 3rd slowest team, which doesn't look good, probably doesn't taste good either, who orders duck off the menu anyways? If you choose duck over beef, pork, chicken, you need to be looked at. It's pretty hilarious how much stronger Norfolk is, it's not even close.

Figure 3.2: This figure lost his life in a bar fight with Figure 1.2

Let's take a gander at this, OH MY, what do we have here? I'm no expert when it comes to different builds and different positions, but looking at this gives me the impression that the minimum value of strength must be 30 because that's a recurring trait almost all of the boxes here have. Half of the boxes here extend from a value of 50 strength, to 70 strength, BBB, KCC, LON, and MIN, have oddly shaped boxes, going from the 40s up to the 60s and 70s. Just a reminder that Norfolk is the strongest, not only do they have the highest mean (average) value, but they also have a much higher median value than any other team. Now, let's wrap this up.

THE GRAND FINALE
This is it, this what you've all been waiting for, I'll make you wait a bit longer actually. Okay now let's get into it.

First, off I'd like to say thanks for supporting me my whole career, I could've done it without you, I mean it, you didn't need to be here. Enough chit chat, let's take a look at them OVERALLS baby! These numbers are undeniable and will hold up in any court of law, which teams are good and which teams are bad will be on full display for the entire world to see, prepare yourselves.

Figure 4.1: To emphasize the importance of this figure, graph, whatever you wanna call it, I made it ever so slightly bigger than the rest

Just like George Washington, I can never tell a lie, so ask me, "is Minnesota the worst team?" Well let me jus- YES, congratulations, Minnesota, now move aside let me analyze some real teams. This article has basically become "how to get despised by half the DSFL." Anyways, we can see that somehow Tijuana is miles ahead of every other team, which very eye-catching in the worst possible ways, I bet they cheat, let's all band together and get their football license revoked. The other two teams I've mentioned before, the Kansas City Coyotes, and Norfolk Seawolves are side-by-side in the overall rankings as well. There appears to be two drop-offs in this graph, the first being TIJ going to POR and DAL going to BBB, those are the two biggest changes in overall. There's a very cool detail that you might have missed so let me just make it in bold.

****VERY COOL DETAIL*****
I had to bold it to make sure you guys noticed, I imagine nobody is reading this whole thing, God knows I wouldn't. HERE IT IS OKAY --> Look at the Intelligence graph and Overall graph side by side:

What a coincidence, you remember when you saw that intelligence graph at the beginning and thought "who cares, this means nothing" well don't you look dumb, you must be on the Grey Ducks. Y'know what's stupid? Me, probably, I was literally on the Grey Ducks last season, great team honestly, I don't remember them being dumb but obviously numbers taken out of context NEVER LIE! Alright, so if you didn't notice the big dark pointy thing, that's Tijuana, not the country, the DSFL team, they are both the smartest team, and the highest rated overall. What's weird, is that the order of both of these graphs are nearly identical, only two graphs changed places, literally the closest thing from them being the same. It's as if average overall is directly proportional to a team's average intelligence. Go ahead, redistribute all those points from speed and strength and put them into intelligence and you'll see immediate changes. That's a lie, probably, you most likely wouldn't experience the increase in overall you'd expect after looking at this figures but it's still quite fascinating to see how their values correspond to each other.

Figure 4.2: The last one (name is very similar to the worst movie ever)

First things first, Pumped Up Kicks is great song, secondly, who the hell is 90+ overall on the Luchadores?? Seriously, I thought this was an error at first, this made me so confused I actually bothered to figure it out. It's just some Fullback, no kidding, the best player in the league is some Fullback with mediocre stats. I'm not sure if his overall was calculated erroneously or not, but it's definitely a prime example of Tijuana CHEATING, yes, this is undeniable proof, people, time to WAKE UP. Additionally, the boxes in this chart are very slim compared to the rest of the graphs.

SUMMARY:

Being the fastest means being the weakest
Being the strongest means being the slowest
The Minnesota Grey Ducks, have heart, but not brain (they aren't that fast or strong either)
Intelligence is most important statistic
The Tijuana Luchadores are cheating
I can write one hell of a article