05-13-2022, 09:36 PM
(This post was last modified: 05-21-2022, 11:46 AM by Crunk. Edited 1 time in total.)
Before I get started I want to explain why I did not do this for weeks 1-4. The reason is because that week I had to study and take exams for college, along with completing a 2500 word media article for WSBL to pay for equipment which took three days including one night staying up until 4am to finish and submit it. If you want to read my WSBL article it can be found here.
WEEK 5
- vs Yellowknife: 9 penalties; 62 yards
For the past two weeks the Yeti have been completely unable to stay disciplined and that has cost them heavily. Despite currently being 2nd in the league in yards, including having the most passing yards in the league, that is marred by aforementioned lack of discipline and a horrible defense, including the worst pass defense in the league. Returning to this game in particular; Colorado's penalties were not just abundant but also highly ill timed. One penalty gave Yellowknife a first down leading to a touchdown six plays later. Another penalty was a false start on a 4th and 6, forcing Colorado to punt. This resulted in Yellowknife holding the ball for 6 1/2 minutes before getting the ball back. And what do you know, false start negating a Wraths penalty. Fortunately this didn't matter as Live LaughLove threw a pass into the redzone. Unfortunately he throws an interception the next play. Nathan Explosion then losses his cool and commits an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty. Fun times all around.
- Offensive Line vs Chicago: 5 Sacks Allowed
In a game where I think everyone but maybe Busch Goose wants to forget for Baltimore, Gimmy Jarrapolo Jr. was given no time to throw the ball and move the offensive effectively. It's assuredly a somewhat aberrational game, as outside of this game the Hawks only have 12 sacks allowed in 5 games. These sacks especially hurt when they kill drives; three of these did such. Two were on 3rd down forcing Baltimore to punt, and the 3rd Jarrapolo Jr. fumbles the ball and gives Chicago possession inside the Baltimore 30. The Butchers capitalized by scoring a touchdown five plays later from a Kazmir Oles Jr. touchdown pass.
- Tight End Eighty Two vs Honolulu: 15/39, 170 yards, 2 interceptions, 30.9 passer rating
Oh boy who doesn't love watching an absolute trash team get faded by the best team in the league? I sure don't. A massive part of this game was Honolulu's defense. As they put points up early forcing the Copperheads to throw the ball nearly 40 times a game, TE 82 proceeds to completely shoot his team in the foot with a sub 50% completion rating and less than 200 yards. He also threw two interceptions but that's just cherry on top of the sh*t sundae. This performance was so bad, that had TE 82 decided to just spike the ball every play, he would've had a better passer rating than he did today.
- Defense vs Honolulu: 43 points allowed
Oh we're not done with Austin this week. The second part of Honolulu's victory was absolutely eviscerating the Copperheads defense. Dexter Zaylren had a decade of time in the pocket each snap, only getting sacked once en route to a 300 yard, 4 touchdown performance. Sal Ami had multiple chunk plays en route to his day ending with over 100 yards and a receiving touchdown. The only solace for the Copperheads is that they limited Cobra Kai greatly. With 32 touches (he took every single rushing attempt mind you), he was only able to gain 78 yards on the ground. In the air Cobrai Kai was only able to get one reception for 13 yards. Man must've been sore from getting arrested a couple nights before. At least you guys got a safety during this game as well.
- Panda McKyle vs Orange County: 23/46, 278 yards, 5 interceptions, 29.3 passer rating
I could honestly just copy everything about TE 82 and it would applyer here for McKyle. At least Sam the Onion Man and Louis Blondin had good games catching the ball in spite of him trying to give away more turnovers than a bake sale in Tampa Bay.
- Defense vs Orange County: 41 points allowed
Two teams with absolutely awful defensive performances this week, both in very different ways. San Jose kept Tron Carter in check for most of this game, only allowing 170 yards and one touchdown along with getting a pick. The defense however got ran over by the two SUVs in Orange County's backfield. Zane Cold ran over that front seven for two touchdowns and 115 yards, while Goat Tank Jr. was damn near impossible to tackle with 86 yards with only 14 carries.
WEEK 6
- IsHe ReallyInvisible vs San Jose: 17/34, 178 yards, 2 interceptions, 41.1 passer rating
San Jose, after getting completely demolished by Orange County last week, decided to take their collective anger at that loss out on New Orleans. IsHe ReallyInvisible should've taken leave this week as he could not find open receivers consistently for good yardage. This was with a somewhat stable running game as well, along with only being down 10 points until the 4th quarter, so it isn't like he had to chuck it every down and got desperate at some point. At least he didn't join the club last week like Panda McKyle and TE 82, as he did have a better passer rating than simply spiking the ball every snap.
- Zane Cold & Goat Tank Jr. vs Honolulu: 16 carries, 53 yards combines (3.31 YPC)
I guess what I said about these two previously did not apply for this game as neither could move the ball effectively on the ground. This somewhat forced Orange County to throw, with Tron Carter having 44 pass attempts on the game. I say somewhat because Fullback Gus Bus had decent statistics despite a limited sample (5 carries, 25 yards). Why Orange County didn't utilize him more in a close game or at least more so than Zane Cold and Goat Tank Jr. is beyond me.
- Offensive Line vs Yellowknife: 5 sacks allowed
Carter Knight was hung out to dry this entire game, most notably shown by how many times the offensive line allowed Yellowknife to get to him. With little time to throw almost every snap Knight ended up throwing two interceptions as well and was just a pain for him today. It is worth nothing that Sarasota led for three quarters and only ran the ball eight times as well. John Huntsman also had 39 yards on eight carries so it is baffling why the Sailfish decided to make Carter Knight throw almost 40 times this game with this fact.
- Defense vs Yellowknife: 22 4th Quarter points allowed
I'm not done skewering the Sailfish for their absolute ineptitude this week vs the Wraiths. Going into the 4th quarter with a 17-8 lead it seemed like they would come out with a win, which if they had they would be sitting at 1st in the NSFC without any tiebreaker necessary. Instead they allowed Dustin Parmalee and the Wraiths offense to come back to life and score three touchdowns. This included 15 points in two minutes as after Yellowknife scored a touchdown to make it 17-14, Carter Knight threw an interception inside their own 20, which turns into a Wraiths TD in two plays. The final touchdown was helped by the Sailfish losing all discipline and committing two straight redzone penalties, a facemask and unsportsmanlike conduct.
- Defense vs Chicago: 45 Points allowed
The 0-6 Yeti decided to imitate a turnstile vs a very underperforming Butchers team so far this season. Kazmir Oles Jr. tore up that secondary en route to almost 350 yards and 4 touchdowns. The front seven faired arguably much worse as Lalu Muhammad Zorhi and Madison Hayes had mile wide running lanes all day, resulting in a combined stat line of 26 carries 223 yards and 2 touchdowns. That is literally over 8.5 yards per carry; absolutely terrible performance, but of course unsurprising as this team is averaging 40 points allowed per game and the most yards allowed in the league. I guess Colorado really like being in these and wants to secure a spot each week. In that case I'll say don't stop so I get a free slot to fill.
- vs New York: Everything
I really don't have anything specific to focus on for this section as everyone on Austin decided to play at best mediocre and at worst god awful. In a game of winless teams Austin decided to tank for a greater chance at a top player in the upcoming S36 draft. Malcolm Savage eviscerated that secondary en route to four touchdowns and Brandon Prince had a 100 yard rushing day with over 7 yards per carry. Worst of all likely Austin committed 14 penalties for 129 yards. New York was awful as with with 8 for 95, but 14? People say everything is bigger in Texas, I guess that includes Ls.
WEEK 7
- vs Sarasota: Allowed Game Winning Touchdown
So Baltimore decided to completely immolate itself in the final 2 minutes of their game vs Sarasota. Let me paint the scene: up by one point, Baltimore punts the ball to the Sarasota 19 with 2:20 left. After a five yard checkdown and two incompletions Sarasota goes for broke on 4th down. Carter Knight passes it to Troy Barnes ahead of the sticks, but wait! The cornerback punches the ball out and recovers the fumble; Baltimore ball with 1:39 left. Just need one first down and the game is over correct? Well Baltimore's running back Busch Goose can only get two yards up to the Sarasota 31. On 4th and 8 it makes sense to kick a field goal right? Punting for what will likely be 6 net yards would be useless and I would trust the defense to crack down on the Sailfish offense when they don't even have timeouts. You would be mother******* wrong buddy. Baltimore calls out that punt team and it goes over the endzone, touchback. But you say they'll be fine; Sarasota needs to get about 50 yards in 70 seconds to kick a field goal without timeouts. Baltimore should be fi-Sarasota scored a touchdown. Two goddamn plays; both over 30 yard passes; and Sarasota scores. They get the 2pt conversion as well making it a 7pt game. With 20 seconds and desperation the offense can't do anything other than turn it over again and blow the game. Conglaturations, you better hope this doesn't turn out to be the reason you guys miss playoffs.
- vs Colorado: Lost 31-21
That was the most gutless, tactless, most offensive football game I have ever had the displeasure of watching in my life, and I watched the Lions/Bears game last Thanksgiving. How the hell do you allow Live LaughLove to carve you up like roast beef? Dude had over 80% completion percentage, over 400 yards passing, and three touchdowns. Meanwhile you're giving Noah Johns the ball 14 times and he acts as if he is in quicksand with not even 40 yards rushing. THEY COULDN'T EVEN RUN THE BALL! Sam Squanch couldn't hit 3 yards per carry and the front seven did its job in that aspect but the secondary thought this was a bye week I guess. If you cannot defeat teams like the Yeti and defeat them convincingly, there is not way on god's green earth are you going to make the playoffs with how stiff the competition is in the NSFC.
- vs Austin: Lost 21-14
I guess this outcome was a lot more expected than the win/loss for each team would indicate. IsHe ReallyInvisible continues to do perform his disappearing act as he currently has the worst passer rating in the league through seven games and The Stig apparently forgot how to walk otherwise how do you not smash a run defense that is allowing 113 yards per game (he got 69 on 19 carries, and that is not nice). This was a total waste of that defense who sacked TE 82 six goddamn times, picked him off once, and forced five goddamn fumbles recovering three of them. ReallyInvisible should give his salary to the defense as he also threw a pick six as expected. Learn how to score 20 points per game you useless sacks of garbage.
- Tron Carter vs New York: 32/43, 311 yards, 2 touchdowns, 4 interceptions, 71 passer rating
Three straight games had upsets and this is another one of them. At least for this one there is an easy reason as to why this occured; Tron Carter. The duo of Zane Cold and Goat Tank Jr. ran over the Silverback's front seven with a combined statline of 20 carries and 118 yards. Hell Gus Bus decided to get in on the action himself as well, getting almost 70 yards on a small sample size. Tron Carter decided to throw all of that and giftwrap turnovers to the Silverbacks defense like a bake sale. Orange County had six turnovers in this game as a whole, while New York did not turn it over once. I guess no one in the league wants to make the playoffs if the past four entries are any indication.
- Joliet Christ Jr vs Yellowknife: 18/30, 208 yards, 2 interceptions, 53.2 passer rating
Oh boy more goddamn terrible QB play completely punting any chance at a team winning a football game, just what I love to see. Berlin was only able to get one touchdown by virtue of a 48 yard run by Goat Tank who himself had 104 yards on 19 carries (albeit 18 for 56 afterward is a little bit disappointing), other than that Berlin could do nothing other than a few field goals. I don't even have anything else interesting to say anymore for this week. Jesus Christ this week was a taxing hell on my soul.
WEEK 5
- vs Yellowknife: 9 penalties; 62 yards
For the past two weeks the Yeti have been completely unable to stay disciplined and that has cost them heavily. Despite currently being 2nd in the league in yards, including having the most passing yards in the league, that is marred by aforementioned lack of discipline and a horrible defense, including the worst pass defense in the league. Returning to this game in particular; Colorado's penalties were not just abundant but also highly ill timed. One penalty gave Yellowknife a first down leading to a touchdown six plays later. Another penalty was a false start on a 4th and 6, forcing Colorado to punt. This resulted in Yellowknife holding the ball for 6 1/2 minutes before getting the ball back. And what do you know, false start negating a Wraths penalty. Fortunately this didn't matter as Live LaughLove threw a pass into the redzone. Unfortunately he throws an interception the next play. Nathan Explosion then losses his cool and commits an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty. Fun times all around.
- Offensive Line vs Chicago: 5 Sacks Allowed
In a game where I think everyone but maybe Busch Goose wants to forget for Baltimore, Gimmy Jarrapolo Jr. was given no time to throw the ball and move the offensive effectively. It's assuredly a somewhat aberrational game, as outside of this game the Hawks only have 12 sacks allowed in 5 games. These sacks especially hurt when they kill drives; three of these did such. Two were on 3rd down forcing Baltimore to punt, and the 3rd Jarrapolo Jr. fumbles the ball and gives Chicago possession inside the Baltimore 30. The Butchers capitalized by scoring a touchdown five plays later from a Kazmir Oles Jr. touchdown pass.
- Tight End Eighty Two vs Honolulu: 15/39, 170 yards, 2 interceptions, 30.9 passer rating
Oh boy who doesn't love watching an absolute trash team get faded by the best team in the league? I sure don't. A massive part of this game was Honolulu's defense. As they put points up early forcing the Copperheads to throw the ball nearly 40 times a game, TE 82 proceeds to completely shoot his team in the foot with a sub 50% completion rating and less than 200 yards. He also threw two interceptions but that's just cherry on top of the sh*t sundae. This performance was so bad, that had TE 82 decided to just spike the ball every play, he would've had a better passer rating than he did today.
- Defense vs Honolulu: 43 points allowed
Oh we're not done with Austin this week. The second part of Honolulu's victory was absolutely eviscerating the Copperheads defense. Dexter Zaylren had a decade of time in the pocket each snap, only getting sacked once en route to a 300 yard, 4 touchdown performance. Sal Ami had multiple chunk plays en route to his day ending with over 100 yards and a receiving touchdown. The only solace for the Copperheads is that they limited Cobra Kai greatly. With 32 touches (he took every single rushing attempt mind you), he was only able to gain 78 yards on the ground. In the air Cobrai Kai was only able to get one reception for 13 yards. Man must've been sore from getting arrested a couple nights before. At least you guys got a safety during this game as well.
- Panda McKyle vs Orange County: 23/46, 278 yards, 5 interceptions, 29.3 passer rating
I could honestly just copy everything about TE 82 and it would applyer here for McKyle. At least Sam the Onion Man and Louis Blondin had good games catching the ball in spite of him trying to give away more turnovers than a bake sale in Tampa Bay.
- Defense vs Orange County: 41 points allowed
Two teams with absolutely awful defensive performances this week, both in very different ways. San Jose kept Tron Carter in check for most of this game, only allowing 170 yards and one touchdown along with getting a pick. The defense however got ran over by the two SUVs in Orange County's backfield. Zane Cold ran over that front seven for two touchdowns and 115 yards, while Goat Tank Jr. was damn near impossible to tackle with 86 yards with only 14 carries.
WEEK 6
- IsHe ReallyInvisible vs San Jose: 17/34, 178 yards, 2 interceptions, 41.1 passer rating
San Jose, after getting completely demolished by Orange County last week, decided to take their collective anger at that loss out on New Orleans. IsHe ReallyInvisible should've taken leave this week as he could not find open receivers consistently for good yardage. This was with a somewhat stable running game as well, along with only being down 10 points until the 4th quarter, so it isn't like he had to chuck it every down and got desperate at some point. At least he didn't join the club last week like Panda McKyle and TE 82, as he did have a better passer rating than simply spiking the ball every snap.
- Zane Cold & Goat Tank Jr. vs Honolulu: 16 carries, 53 yards combines (3.31 YPC)
I guess what I said about these two previously did not apply for this game as neither could move the ball effectively on the ground. This somewhat forced Orange County to throw, with Tron Carter having 44 pass attempts on the game. I say somewhat because Fullback Gus Bus had decent statistics despite a limited sample (5 carries, 25 yards). Why Orange County didn't utilize him more in a close game or at least more so than Zane Cold and Goat Tank Jr. is beyond me.
- Offensive Line vs Yellowknife: 5 sacks allowed
Carter Knight was hung out to dry this entire game, most notably shown by how many times the offensive line allowed Yellowknife to get to him. With little time to throw almost every snap Knight ended up throwing two interceptions as well and was just a pain for him today. It is worth nothing that Sarasota led for three quarters and only ran the ball eight times as well. John Huntsman also had 39 yards on eight carries so it is baffling why the Sailfish decided to make Carter Knight throw almost 40 times this game with this fact.
- Defense vs Yellowknife: 22 4th Quarter points allowed
I'm not done skewering the Sailfish for their absolute ineptitude this week vs the Wraiths. Going into the 4th quarter with a 17-8 lead it seemed like they would come out with a win, which if they had they would be sitting at 1st in the NSFC without any tiebreaker necessary. Instead they allowed Dustin Parmalee and the Wraiths offense to come back to life and score three touchdowns. This included 15 points in two minutes as after Yellowknife scored a touchdown to make it 17-14, Carter Knight threw an interception inside their own 20, which turns into a Wraiths TD in two plays. The final touchdown was helped by the Sailfish losing all discipline and committing two straight redzone penalties, a facemask and unsportsmanlike conduct.
- Defense vs Chicago: 45 Points allowed
The 0-6 Yeti decided to imitate a turnstile vs a very underperforming Butchers team so far this season. Kazmir Oles Jr. tore up that secondary en route to almost 350 yards and 4 touchdowns. The front seven faired arguably much worse as Lalu Muhammad Zorhi and Madison Hayes had mile wide running lanes all day, resulting in a combined stat line of 26 carries 223 yards and 2 touchdowns. That is literally over 8.5 yards per carry; absolutely terrible performance, but of course unsurprising as this team is averaging 40 points allowed per game and the most yards allowed in the league. I guess Colorado really like being in these and wants to secure a spot each week. In that case I'll say don't stop so I get a free slot to fill.
- vs New York: Everything
I really don't have anything specific to focus on for this section as everyone on Austin decided to play at best mediocre and at worst god awful. In a game of winless teams Austin decided to tank for a greater chance at a top player in the upcoming S36 draft. Malcolm Savage eviscerated that secondary en route to four touchdowns and Brandon Prince had a 100 yard rushing day with over 7 yards per carry. Worst of all likely Austin committed 14 penalties for 129 yards. New York was awful as with with 8 for 95, but 14? People say everything is bigger in Texas, I guess that includes Ls.
WEEK 7
- vs Sarasota: Allowed Game Winning Touchdown
So Baltimore decided to completely immolate itself in the final 2 minutes of their game vs Sarasota. Let me paint the scene: up by one point, Baltimore punts the ball to the Sarasota 19 with 2:20 left. After a five yard checkdown and two incompletions Sarasota goes for broke on 4th down. Carter Knight passes it to Troy Barnes ahead of the sticks, but wait! The cornerback punches the ball out and recovers the fumble; Baltimore ball with 1:39 left. Just need one first down and the game is over correct? Well Baltimore's running back Busch Goose can only get two yards up to the Sarasota 31. On 4th and 8 it makes sense to kick a field goal right? Punting for what will likely be 6 net yards would be useless and I would trust the defense to crack down on the Sailfish offense when they don't even have timeouts. You would be mother******* wrong buddy. Baltimore calls out that punt team and it goes over the endzone, touchback. But you say they'll be fine; Sarasota needs to get about 50 yards in 70 seconds to kick a field goal without timeouts. Baltimore should be fi-Sarasota scored a touchdown. Two goddamn plays; both over 30 yard passes; and Sarasota scores. They get the 2pt conversion as well making it a 7pt game. With 20 seconds and desperation the offense can't do anything other than turn it over again and blow the game. Conglaturations, you better hope this doesn't turn out to be the reason you guys miss playoffs.
- vs Colorado: Lost 31-21
That was the most gutless, tactless, most offensive football game I have ever had the displeasure of watching in my life, and I watched the Lions/Bears game last Thanksgiving. How the hell do you allow Live LaughLove to carve you up like roast beef? Dude had over 80% completion percentage, over 400 yards passing, and three touchdowns. Meanwhile you're giving Noah Johns the ball 14 times and he acts as if he is in quicksand with not even 40 yards rushing. THEY COULDN'T EVEN RUN THE BALL! Sam Squanch couldn't hit 3 yards per carry and the front seven did its job in that aspect but the secondary thought this was a bye week I guess. If you cannot defeat teams like the Yeti and defeat them convincingly, there is not way on god's green earth are you going to make the playoffs with how stiff the competition is in the NSFC.
- vs Austin: Lost 21-14
I guess this outcome was a lot more expected than the win/loss for each team would indicate. IsHe ReallyInvisible continues to do perform his disappearing act as he currently has the worst passer rating in the league through seven games and The Stig apparently forgot how to walk otherwise how do you not smash a run defense that is allowing 113 yards per game (he got 69 on 19 carries, and that is not nice). This was a total waste of that defense who sacked TE 82 six goddamn times, picked him off once, and forced five goddamn fumbles recovering three of them. ReallyInvisible should give his salary to the defense as he also threw a pick six as expected. Learn how to score 20 points per game you useless sacks of garbage.
- Tron Carter vs New York: 32/43, 311 yards, 2 touchdowns, 4 interceptions, 71 passer rating
Three straight games had upsets and this is another one of them. At least for this one there is an easy reason as to why this occured; Tron Carter. The duo of Zane Cold and Goat Tank Jr. ran over the Silverback's front seven with a combined statline of 20 carries and 118 yards. Hell Gus Bus decided to get in on the action himself as well, getting almost 70 yards on a small sample size. Tron Carter decided to throw all of that and giftwrap turnovers to the Silverbacks defense like a bake sale. Orange County had six turnovers in this game as a whole, while New York did not turn it over once. I guess no one in the league wants to make the playoffs if the past four entries are any indication.
- Joliet Christ Jr vs Yellowknife: 18/30, 208 yards, 2 interceptions, 53.2 passer rating
Oh boy more goddamn terrible QB play completely punting any chance at a team winning a football game, just what I love to see. Berlin was only able to get one touchdown by virtue of a 48 yard run by Goat Tank who himself had 104 yards on 19 carries (albeit 18 for 56 afterward is a little bit disappointing), other than that Berlin could do nothing other than a few field goals. I don't even have anything else interesting to say anymore for this week. Jesus Christ this week was a taxing hell on my soul.