06-23-2022, 08:44 AM
(This post was last modified: 06-27-2022, 11:00 AM by soevil. Edited 3 times in total.)
Code:
75 for @soevil, 25 for me
Please be aware that all the comments said by SoEvil are jokes and should not be taken literally.
SH: Hello, you fanciable ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the most consistent show on the radio waves right now, it’s Shazam! with me, Preston “Shazam” Hefner. We don’t need to talk about that major gap in between episodes, and if you have something to say, remember that I’m right, you’re wrong, shut up. Our guest today needs no introduction: the Butcher, Coyote, Buckeye, and anything else I’m probably forgetting, it’s Austin Morley (@soevil)!
AM: Hey Mr. Hefner, thanks for having me on the show today. It’s a pleasure to be here for sure.
SH: Please, call me Shazam. Mr. Hefner’s what my therapist calls me. So, how’s everything going with you? Hope it didn’t take a while to get here, I know the road from Chi-town to Des Moines is a hefty road trip.
AM: Right-o, Shazam. Things are things, you know? The drive actually could have been worse. I’m still living in Kansas City since I’ll be playing for the Coyotes again this season, and that’s a fair bit closer than Chicago. Truthfully though, any drive longer than 15 minutes is absolute torture for me.
SH: Ah, shoot, didn’t realize you were staying down for another season. Y’all heard it here, folks, we’re covering the breaking news here! *laughs* Alright, so let’s get down to business. You were drafted 19th overall by Chicago. With that being said, there were 4 other wide receivers picked before you. Does that dampen your spirits a bit, or are you completely fine with that?
AM: Man. That’s a really hard question for me. First, I believe in my heart and soul that I am the best wide receiver that was in the draft, and should have been taken first. That said, I am absolutely STOKED that my teammates Octavio and Zap got selected ahead of me, and I wish Mandrews would’ve, too. I watched them work day in and day out, and they put their all into everything they did. I learned so much from them last season. They deserve it so much, so I’m happy for them. But after those guys? Who was selected before me? Thomas Robinson and… who was the other guy? Don Dobbler… I don’t know about that man. I'm really not trying to bury anyone here, but it was a mistake to take those guys ahead of me. It hurt, too, because a few of those teams, one in particular, I felt like I had really made a connection with. Anyway… I’m used to being slept on, being the underdog, though. My whole life I’ve had to work my ass off to get where I wanted to go. I definitely plan to use it as motivation.
SH: Shit, man. Zap, Holly and Octavio are probably stoked to hear about that, but…damn. If you don’t mind me asking, what were some of the teams?
AM: You know.. I probably shouldn’t. My agent wouldn’t appreciate it I’m sure. But… you wanna know something?
SH: What’s the thing, Austin?
AM: Part of me used to care so much about my image. I wanted to be the good guy. Always being sure to say the right things and the right times. I always strived to be the best team mate and player I could be. I was always big C captain material. Even during the scouting processes for the DSFL and ISFL - I felt like I was…playing a part. That’s not who I really am…Mister goody-two-shoes. Those who really…really know me, know I’m a fuckin’ menace. And now that I know who really cares about me…the Butchers…everyone else can get fucked. Y’all already know my feelings on the Yeti. But the Second Line? Get fucked. Sabercats? Get fucked. Liberty? You guessed it. Get..fucked. Am I allowed to say that on the radio? My bad…that’s been building up.
SH: …thank god this is a podcast. It’s okay, ESPN really doesn’t care about what my guests say. So…all the stuff you’ve done, this persona you’ve built…it’s all lies? That stuff you did with Joseph Reed in Columbus - hell, most of the shit you did with Reed - was it all true?
AM: Persona might not be the right word…but it’s close enough. I mean…I’m still a good-ish person. I’ll help a guy in need…most guys, anyway…but I’m just tired of pretending to be this person that I'm not. Maybe that doesn’t make sense? Anyway…anything you heard about me and Big Joe Reed…it’s all true. Even the stuff that you don’t want to believe. And I guess I should back off a little bit. To the Sabercats and Liberty, I understand you had different needs, no hard feelings, really. Second Line and Yeti? It’s on sight.
SH: Wow. Uh…I don’t even know what to say to that. Let’s just…move on to a more “fun” part, and go to you with the Kansas City Coyotes. Wait, shit, this isn’t fun: what was that stuff in the Kansas City locker room? Fredison had a tattoo of Jean-Ralphio, Mandrews was ranting about the Hawks or whatever, and, for some reason, you were mumbling 80 over and over again? Care to explain?
AM: You might be shocked to find out that Freddy isn’t the only one with a JRS tattoo, heh. All the other stuff, though, those are what we call “a secret of the pack”, and if you don’t know, you won’t know.
SH: The hell does the pack do, weekly Mary Jane sessions? And, on a better note, am I invited?
AM: I am not at liberty to disclose the going ons of the locker room, but I think we could get you in. How about next year after we win the Ultimini? It’ll be lit fam…as the kids say.
SH: Woah, alright, braggadocious. I love it. Now, we gotta talk about your ACTUAL time at KCC. An almost-one thousand yard season and 8 touchdowns isn’t anything to scoff at. What are your thoughts on this season, and do you think you’ll top it?
AM: I’m very excited for this season. We get a chance to finish what we started. The core of our receiver group is coming back, sans Zap, I think. Reigning MVP Queen Lizzie is ready to deliver us to the promised land, as long as Manny can hold on to the damn ball. Really, my personal stats don’t mean anything to me if they don’t result in championships. So, I guess I expect to top those numbers simply because I need to do more to help the team win.
SH: You still had a baller year, I’m not gonna lie. Now, I’m aware this might be a touchy subject, but let’s talk about the awards. Despite a year in which you put up almost 1K, I don’t believe you were nominated for any awards. Is there anything you wanna say about this? It can be towards the voters, the team, the league, etc.
AM: Kind of like I said earlier, individual stats don’t mean a ton to me. I mean, look at our WR corps from last year. 3 of the first 5 WRs taken in the ISFL draft were our guys. We all had some games where we were the focal point and others where we took a back seat. Maybe this season I can go beyond, but time will tell.
SH: Hey, whatever happens happens. Here’s the part of my show where you can go all out and rant about players. Y’all know what time it is: it’s time for “Quick Thinks”! I give you a name, you tell me your honest opinion about that person. Sound fun?
AM: Hell, let’s do it.
SH: Ooh, this one’s a bit of a fun one. One of the wide receivers drafted before you, Tom Robinson.
AM: Who? Honestly I don’t have an opinion about him. Don’t really know him, might as well not exist as far as I’m concerned.
SH: He…had 1017 receiving yards. That’s more than Mandrews.
AM: Sure.. but where’s the flash? The pizazz? Went the whole season without ever hearing a word from him.
SH: Alright then, let’s go on your team. The reigning MVP herself, Her Majesty The Queen.
AM: True professional. She’s really the glue that holds our offense together, and she pushes each one of us to fulfil our full potential.
SH: Ain’t you worried ‘bout her age?
AM: Surprisingly she isn’t that old, but she definitely needs to reevaluate her skin care routine if you catch my drift.
SH: How about the rest of your receiving corps; Mandrews, Octavio and Zap?
AM: Those are my guys, man. I’d go to war for any of them at any time. Each of them has their strengths and weaknesses, but together we can do anything. I hope that our bond continues to grow and flourish in the ISFL despite us being on different teams.
SH: Alright, now lets go defense. Fredison.
AM: Leader. He came in last season and really was able to bring out the most out of our defense. He’s a little on the wild side, but what great linebacker isn’t?
SH: I feel ya, and I interviewed some people who were wild as fuck. Last person before we cut this off - the defensive player of the year, JRS.
AM: Absolute animal. He kind of strikes you as the “cool guy” when you’re first getting to know him. But holy hell, seeing that man get after it on the practice field and in the weight room? He’s a fuckin’ savage, and its no surprise to us that he won Defensive Player of the Year. Honestly, as much as I love Queen, I’d rather have seen him get MVP. He broke the season sack record for fuck sake.
SH: Well, I mean, if you win the Offensive or Defensive player of the year, you can’t win MVP. Understandable, but a bit upsetting. Right, our last question is a bit of a “fun” one. You were originally signed by Norfolk before being drafted by KC. Now, on national media, you can finally flame the Norfolk head office. I’m giving you a soapbox to say whatever you want to them starting…now.
AM: That is a little bit fun, I suppose. Alright, A lot of people may know that I don't particularly love Norfolk. In fact, I'm sure some people have receipts of me saying "I fuckin' HATE Norfolk". That isn't necessarily untrue. I do hate Norfolk. I felt like during my short time in their locker room that I showed that I was the guy they should have drafted in the S35 DSFL draft. Obviously, it is hard to kind of talk shit about that now after they won the Ultimini. Honestly, they were more of a catalyst for me. That "snub", in my opinion, is part of what fueled me last season. All in all, though, they're more of a small fish to me now. I've got bigger yeti - er, fish - to fry. Not just fry. Snatch em up, scrape their nasty yeti scales off...cut open their fat yeti abdomen and pull their stinky guts out... slice them up into a nice yeti filet... Mmm, tasty tasty revenge.
SH: …man, I had a sponsorship for Knife Aid. that may not have been the best one to pick for this one. Alright, so Austin Morley, gutter of Yeti, at your service. We’re gonna wrap this up - but before we go, you wanna say anything else?
AM: First I want to thank you for having me on the show. It felt good to get a lot of that off my chest. Second, listen up London Royals, if Big Joe Reed isn't selected as a captain this year, I'm personally going to cook you up and eat you like a Royale with cheese. Double fisting, ya feel me? He's the greatest thing to come to London since Big Ben.
SH: Anything else?
AM: Just OWIDHUSE and FTY.
SH: OWIDHUSE? I know FTY means Fuck the Yeti, but what does OWIDHUSE mean?
AM: No one knows what it means, but it’s provocative. It gets the people going.
SH: Well, provocative or not, thank you so much for being here! Get your pets spayed and neutered and shit, and I’ll see y’all next time on another fucking amazing episode of Shazam!
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