08-11-2022, 08:12 PM
(This post was last modified: 08-12-2022, 01:47 PM by dude_man. Edited 7 times in total.)
Hello, and welcome to a very poor analysis of the upcoming draft done by me, with significant help from @Moldycheez4 While the analysis of the players might be poor, the order is objectively correct and guaranteed to happen 100% real (not fake). I will only be going through first rounder due to the fact that I’m human, and don’t have infinite time on my hands. A lot of this is emotionally based, and has no basis in fact whatsoever, so take everything I say with a grain of salt. Also for the sake of not knowing where in god's name I’m going I will not be putting myself on the list, even if I think there’s a chance I go early. A lot of these write ups on the player will be a lot of justification for picks that are just atrocious
1. BER
With the first overall pick, Berlin selects @Amidships / Charlie Thorsen.
I'll be totally Honest I don't know a single thing about Amidships as a user. He's a vet to the league, and I'm sure is a lovely guy, and he's in by far the most needed position throughout the league, however I have some beef with him over the ultimini. Seeing as how I lost to him in the ultimini I will now slander him for no good reason and tell you why you SHOULD NOT draft this guy. He is a no good rock eater who stole HUNDREDS of dollars in monopoly money from me when he was in the Oortland locker room for a home game. He eats his teammates' lunches without asking, and doesn't tell them when he's taking a day off. In all seriousness I'm sure Amidships will be a great addition to Berlin, even if he stole an Ultimini from me.
2. NYS
With the second overall pick, The New York Silverbacks select @High Stick King / Matthew Mara.
In a vacuum High Stick King is the best player available, and New York needs WRs. High Stick King provides not only a WR for New York, but also have you seen his graphics? High stick king is a dedicated user who has really bit into the league. I want to go back to his graphics for a second. I have been trying to learn how to do signatures and his stuff is so insane it's almost disheartening. I don't know how he is in the locker room, but seeing as teammates rally to cheer him on after every post I can only imagine he is as loved by the graphics team as the locker room. By far the best single player in the draft, Berlin just doesn't need another WR.
3. COL
With the third overall pick, The Colorodo Yeti select @Moldycheez4 / Jason Oexius
To begin, for all the people just seeing that last name and not knowing how to pronounce it, just take your best guess, I think it's Wex-i-us, but I'm not entirely sure. The best description I have for you is Imagine taking me, but then making him an active earner as opposed to my semi-kind-bad-terrible earnings for my activity. He's a great guy in the locker room. Now let me slander him for a bit for you. What you don't see is a locker room menace, who want's his GM fired (Fire GLIMS btw), Causes rifts between teammates (I was on the same prospect bowl as him and he slandered me once) and the most damning argument against any sane person drafting him, he thinks Zach Wilson is actually good and not just another Jets meme QB like Darnold who shows flashes of talent but isn't worth the resources put into him. Colorado doesn't need a corner, but there straight up aren't good options available for their positions of need, so they just future proof the position for them. If he's willing to change positions (I do not think he is) he could turn out to be a great pick, however as it stands this is my least favorite pick of the draft.
4. AUS
With the 4th overall pick, the Austin Copperheads select @qWest / Rocky Moreaux
Austin could reasonably also take Nunc here, however I suspect that they take qWest here as a win now move, as opposed to letting nunc sit for a bit in the DSFL before their QB gets to regression, and despite them needing a tight end, no sane person would take a tight end in the first, right? surely that would never happen. I would normally go on about qWest, but I don't actually know a ton about them as a user besides what anyone can see from clicking their profile, so I will instead talk about how loaded in theory the birddog's offense was last season, compared to how their performance actually was says a lot about something. I however do not have the sample size or the intelligence needed in order to make those assumptions, so I will instead mock them for missing the playoffs before succumbing to my own hubris next year as they wind up kicking the leagues butt next year.
5. BAL
With the 5th Overall pick, The Baltimore Hawks select @nunccoepi / Adrian St. Christmas
Baltimore would be crazy not to take a QB Here. they have an aging QB as it stands already, and letting St. Christmas sit for a bit and developing before sending him to the big leagues lines up perfectly with the expected schedule of St. Christmas's development and their current QB. I chose St. Christmas as the QB of choice here since I can talk about nunc more as he is a python. Nunc is a great locker room presence, and arguably the safest pick of the draft so far, as he is a dedicated user, who's also part of the DSFL HO, and an all around great guy.
6. NOLA
With the 6th Overall pick, The New Orleans Second Line select Tingus Pingus / @negs
I do not have a single read on what New Orelans is doing, so I will instead curse their franchise for all eternity by giving them negs. Now none of them will ever win another gamble at the casino. Philly obviously gets very upset at this pick because negs is their GM, but I have faith that negs can make it work. Here is a live look into New Orleans Locker room upon hearing this news https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BiLNjNUfOqM
7. NYS (via OCO)
With the 7th overall pick, The New York Silverbacks select @RDBSouthPaw / Jordian Hartline
a lot of teams need LBs, and there are not a lot of LBs around to select. This seems like an obvious pick at the moment since new york is in desperate need of LBs, and there isn't gonna be a solid LB left by the time they swing back around for the next pick. I again don't know jack about RDBsouthpaw, but I hear that he's a pretty decent guy who's got a lot going for him and is "chill" in the locker room as per Moldycheez/Oexius
8. COL (via PHI)
This is where I could see myself going, but instead I'm going to present a crackpot theory pick
With the 8th overall pick, The Colorado Yeti Select @OrbitingDeath/ Nova Montagne
Now hear me out on this. Colorodo's QB is rapidly approaching regression, and COL isn't in a win now kinda mode, so they play the long game, taking a QB here to develop and marinate for some time before calling up once their QB hits regression, while also taking away a QB from some other teams (Berlin if nunc is sniped for some reason).
~Thank you Gadget for those previous picks and wonderful descriptions and overviews of such. Now it is I, buttersilkpanflakes aka moldycheez4 aka Jason Oexius aka Greatest Corner To Ever Live, to finish out the remaining picks for our fantastically realistic mock draft. Hell I wouldn’t be surprised if we ended up being 100% correct on our predictions. I mean, I know the Second line pick for Negs is absolutely going to happen.~
9. YKW
With the 9th overall pick, the Yellowknife wraiths select… Stryker Brown / @chxhawk . He’s a beast on the field and most likely one off the field as well. I mean, from what I hear, the man can take down two raging bulls at once without even breaking a sweat so why can’t he single handedly take down an entire offensive line without any effort at all? We think Yellowknife is going to take notice of this man's expertise and select him with their 9th overall pick. The Wraiths currently have a pretty stacked team on paper with a lot of improving young players, however they do currently have a regressing defensive end so I would imagine that's one of their top concerns in this upcoming draft. Stryker will certainly make a great addition to an already scary Wraith defense.
10. BER (via SJS)
With the 10th overall pick the Berlin Fire Salamanders select the one and only Dip Dhillon / @Dip . Another Bondi Beach Buccaneer gets pick up in the first round here and I can’t see a better spot for Dip to get picked or a better destination for him to go. He will be reunited with his former GM artix over in Berlin and will no doubt have an easy time adjusting to the ISFL and his new team. Dip is an active player who had no trouble producing for Bondi Beach and with Berlin picking up a linebacker with their first overall pick they snag another top need at receiver with this one. Dip has even just recently loaded his bank account with a whopping 130+ million dollars so the man is set for a long time in this league. Be careful though, Dip, you better lay off that chewing tobacco unless you want to see all that money disappear!
11. HON (via ARI)
With the 11th overall pick the Honolulu Hahalua (jesus is that a mouthful) select… Bay Webb / @TheHammer43! At this point you might be wondering “what the hell is wrong with you, this draft is all over the place. Stryker before Webb? Sounds bias as fuck”. Well you’re absolutely right! This mock draft IS all over the place but trust me.. We’re professionals. With Honolulu in the market for several defenders they look to snag a possible steal at this spot in Bay Webb. Their current depth chart for defensive ends shows their top DE starting to get a bit worse for wear. Although they only just started regressing it's only a matter of time before David Frank retires. With that being said he still has a little bit of time left in the ISFL so it is likely that Webb will be spending an extra season or two with the Dallas Birddogs.. Poor guy.
12. CHI
With the 12th overall pick the Chicago Butchers select… Probably Dusty Wilson / @dustywilson22 ? I mean, what I meant to type was, DEFINITELY Dusty Wilson. Like I said before we are professionals and we totally did not pull this draft out of our asses. Dusty is already a well known user albeit being his first sim league and first creation. He led the DSFL is pancakes in his rookie season and has already posted tons of media following his time in the league so far. He might as well be dubbed pancake city because he will be an instant contributor to any team that eventually takes him. “But Butters.. Why on earth would Chicago take Dusty here? They already have 3 young linemen.” Well to that I respond with “Hey, Shut Up.”
13. SAR
With the 13th overall pick the Sarasota Sailfish select Thwomp / @WALDO . Yet another Bondi Beach player getting taken off the board here in the first round and it definitely makes sense too! Bondi Beach must be an awesome freaking team am I right? This super realistic pick does not come from any bias whatsoever and 100% comes from statistical analysis and sheer logic. How could it get any more logical than this? Sarasota picks thwomp here specifically because thats a dope name. I mean they have no need for him at all, but come on, HIS NAME IS THWOMP. WHO THE HECK DOESN’T LOVE THWOMP. Probably anybody who favors the Mario Bros which is actually a lot of people now that I think about it.. Shoot.
14. HON
With the 14th overall pick the Honolulu Hahalua (seriously, how the heck do you even pronounce that) select the famed Inspector Gadget / @Gadget . Who? Who the hell is that? Well if you’re seriously asking that question then I strongly implore you to get the hell out of that rock you’ve been living under. I mean seriously, have you even seen a television before? What was that? Now you’re asking why? Cause why not?! You probably have multiple answers to that question but once again i’m going to strongly IMPLORE that you do not try and answer it. Gadget is an awesome user who finished the season with 6 interceptions (thats twice as much as me. The bastard.) and even though he lacks a bit in TPE he is certainly a well liked user around the league and is improving when it comes to updating. He is even my most trusted confidant. I often go to him when my wife and I are having marital issues. I mean, I don’t mean to get personal here or anything but, she told me she was sworn to carry my burdens yet whenever I try and give her an extra dragon bone or twelve she just sits there like “I can’t carry any more. I’m already carrying too much.” Like, seriously Lydia? Anyways, Go Go Get Honolulu another championship title Inspector!
~Jesus, okay I don't know how Gadget typed all those picks before me because my fingers are tired man. Respect for my brother in crime. That about does it for our First round mock draft for the upcoming ISFL draft. Like we said to begin with.. This mock is 100% real and not fake. We are professional analysts and we absolutely know what we are doing here. If you have any problems or qualms with our rankings or if you think you were snubbed you can kindly direct your complaints to our HR Head - The trash can. Thank you guys, and see you in the draft!~
1. BER
With the first overall pick, Berlin selects @Amidships / Charlie Thorsen.
I'll be totally Honest I don't know a single thing about Amidships as a user. He's a vet to the league, and I'm sure is a lovely guy, and he's in by far the most needed position throughout the league, however I have some beef with him over the ultimini. Seeing as how I lost to him in the ultimini I will now slander him for no good reason and tell you why you SHOULD NOT draft this guy. He is a no good rock eater who stole HUNDREDS of dollars in monopoly money from me when he was in the Oortland locker room for a home game. He eats his teammates' lunches without asking, and doesn't tell them when he's taking a day off. In all seriousness I'm sure Amidships will be a great addition to Berlin, even if he stole an Ultimini from me.
2. NYS
With the second overall pick, The New York Silverbacks select @High Stick King / Matthew Mara.
In a vacuum High Stick King is the best player available, and New York needs WRs. High Stick King provides not only a WR for New York, but also have you seen his graphics? High stick king is a dedicated user who has really bit into the league. I want to go back to his graphics for a second. I have been trying to learn how to do signatures and his stuff is so insane it's almost disheartening. I don't know how he is in the locker room, but seeing as teammates rally to cheer him on after every post I can only imagine he is as loved by the graphics team as the locker room. By far the best single player in the draft, Berlin just doesn't need another WR.
3. COL
With the third overall pick, The Colorodo Yeti select @Moldycheez4 / Jason Oexius
To begin, for all the people just seeing that last name and not knowing how to pronounce it, just take your best guess, I think it's Wex-i-us, but I'm not entirely sure. The best description I have for you is Imagine taking me, but then making him an active earner as opposed to my semi-kind-bad-terrible earnings for my activity. He's a great guy in the locker room. Now let me slander him for a bit for you. What you don't see is a locker room menace, who want's his GM fired (Fire GLIMS btw), Causes rifts between teammates (I was on the same prospect bowl as him and he slandered me once) and the most damning argument against any sane person drafting him, he thinks Zach Wilson is actually good and not just another Jets meme QB like Darnold who shows flashes of talent but isn't worth the resources put into him. Colorado doesn't need a corner, but there straight up aren't good options available for their positions of need, so they just future proof the position for them. If he's willing to change positions (I do not think he is) he could turn out to be a great pick, however as it stands this is my least favorite pick of the draft.
4. AUS
With the 4th overall pick, the Austin Copperheads select @qWest / Rocky Moreaux
Austin could reasonably also take Nunc here, however I suspect that they take qWest here as a win now move, as opposed to letting nunc sit for a bit in the DSFL before their QB gets to regression, and despite them needing a tight end, no sane person would take a tight end in the first, right? surely that would never happen. I would normally go on about qWest, but I don't actually know a ton about them as a user besides what anyone can see from clicking their profile, so I will instead talk about how loaded in theory the birddog's offense was last season, compared to how their performance actually was says a lot about something. I however do not have the sample size or the intelligence needed in order to make those assumptions, so I will instead mock them for missing the playoffs before succumbing to my own hubris next year as they wind up kicking the leagues butt next year.
5. BAL
With the 5th Overall pick, The Baltimore Hawks select @nunccoepi / Adrian St. Christmas
Baltimore would be crazy not to take a QB Here. they have an aging QB as it stands already, and letting St. Christmas sit for a bit and developing before sending him to the big leagues lines up perfectly with the expected schedule of St. Christmas's development and their current QB. I chose St. Christmas as the QB of choice here since I can talk about nunc more as he is a python. Nunc is a great locker room presence, and arguably the safest pick of the draft so far, as he is a dedicated user, who's also part of the DSFL HO, and an all around great guy.
6. NOLA
With the 6th Overall pick, The New Orleans Second Line select Tingus Pingus / @negs
I do not have a single read on what New Orelans is doing, so I will instead curse their franchise for all eternity by giving them negs. Now none of them will ever win another gamble at the casino. Philly obviously gets very upset at this pick because negs is their GM, but I have faith that negs can make it work. Here is a live look into New Orleans Locker room upon hearing this news https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BiLNjNUfOqM
7. NYS (via OCO)
With the 7th overall pick, The New York Silverbacks select @RDBSouthPaw / Jordian Hartline
a lot of teams need LBs, and there are not a lot of LBs around to select. This seems like an obvious pick at the moment since new york is in desperate need of LBs, and there isn't gonna be a solid LB left by the time they swing back around for the next pick. I again don't know jack about RDBsouthpaw, but I hear that he's a pretty decent guy who's got a lot going for him and is "chill" in the locker room as per Moldycheez/Oexius
8. COL (via PHI)
This is where I could see myself going, but instead I'm going to present a crackpot theory pick
With the 8th overall pick, The Colorado Yeti Select @OrbitingDeath/ Nova Montagne
Now hear me out on this. Colorodo's QB is rapidly approaching regression, and COL isn't in a win now kinda mode, so they play the long game, taking a QB here to develop and marinate for some time before calling up once their QB hits regression, while also taking away a QB from some other teams (Berlin if nunc is sniped for some reason).
~Thank you Gadget for those previous picks and wonderful descriptions and overviews of such. Now it is I, buttersilkpanflakes aka moldycheez4 aka Jason Oexius aka Greatest Corner To Ever Live, to finish out the remaining picks for our fantastically realistic mock draft. Hell I wouldn’t be surprised if we ended up being 100% correct on our predictions. I mean, I know the Second line pick for Negs is absolutely going to happen.~
9. YKW
With the 9th overall pick, the Yellowknife wraiths select… Stryker Brown / @chxhawk . He’s a beast on the field and most likely one off the field as well. I mean, from what I hear, the man can take down two raging bulls at once without even breaking a sweat so why can’t he single handedly take down an entire offensive line without any effort at all? We think Yellowknife is going to take notice of this man's expertise and select him with their 9th overall pick. The Wraiths currently have a pretty stacked team on paper with a lot of improving young players, however they do currently have a regressing defensive end so I would imagine that's one of their top concerns in this upcoming draft. Stryker will certainly make a great addition to an already scary Wraith defense.
10. BER (via SJS)
With the 10th overall pick the Berlin Fire Salamanders select the one and only Dip Dhillon / @Dip . Another Bondi Beach Buccaneer gets pick up in the first round here and I can’t see a better spot for Dip to get picked or a better destination for him to go. He will be reunited with his former GM artix over in Berlin and will no doubt have an easy time adjusting to the ISFL and his new team. Dip is an active player who had no trouble producing for Bondi Beach and with Berlin picking up a linebacker with their first overall pick they snag another top need at receiver with this one. Dip has even just recently loaded his bank account with a whopping 130+ million dollars so the man is set for a long time in this league. Be careful though, Dip, you better lay off that chewing tobacco unless you want to see all that money disappear!
11. HON (via ARI)
With the 11th overall pick the Honolulu Hahalua (jesus is that a mouthful) select… Bay Webb / @TheHammer43! At this point you might be wondering “what the hell is wrong with you, this draft is all over the place. Stryker before Webb? Sounds bias as fuck”. Well you’re absolutely right! This mock draft IS all over the place but trust me.. We’re professionals. With Honolulu in the market for several defenders they look to snag a possible steal at this spot in Bay Webb. Their current depth chart for defensive ends shows their top DE starting to get a bit worse for wear. Although they only just started regressing it's only a matter of time before David Frank retires. With that being said he still has a little bit of time left in the ISFL so it is likely that Webb will be spending an extra season or two with the Dallas Birddogs.. Poor guy.
12. CHI
With the 12th overall pick the Chicago Butchers select… Probably Dusty Wilson / @dustywilson22 ? I mean, what I meant to type was, DEFINITELY Dusty Wilson. Like I said before we are professionals and we totally did not pull this draft out of our asses. Dusty is already a well known user albeit being his first sim league and first creation. He led the DSFL is pancakes in his rookie season and has already posted tons of media following his time in the league so far. He might as well be dubbed pancake city because he will be an instant contributor to any team that eventually takes him. “But Butters.. Why on earth would Chicago take Dusty here? They already have 3 young linemen.” Well to that I respond with “Hey, Shut Up.”
13. SAR
With the 13th overall pick the Sarasota Sailfish select Thwomp / @WALDO . Yet another Bondi Beach player getting taken off the board here in the first round and it definitely makes sense too! Bondi Beach must be an awesome freaking team am I right? This super realistic pick does not come from any bias whatsoever and 100% comes from statistical analysis and sheer logic. How could it get any more logical than this? Sarasota picks thwomp here specifically because thats a dope name. I mean they have no need for him at all, but come on, HIS NAME IS THWOMP. WHO THE HECK DOESN’T LOVE THWOMP. Probably anybody who favors the Mario Bros which is actually a lot of people now that I think about it.. Shoot.
14. HON
With the 14th overall pick the Honolulu Hahalua (seriously, how the heck do you even pronounce that) select the famed Inspector Gadget / @Gadget . Who? Who the hell is that? Well if you’re seriously asking that question then I strongly implore you to get the hell out of that rock you’ve been living under. I mean seriously, have you even seen a television before? What was that? Now you’re asking why? Cause why not?! You probably have multiple answers to that question but once again i’m going to strongly IMPLORE that you do not try and answer it. Gadget is an awesome user who finished the season with 6 interceptions (thats twice as much as me. The bastard.) and even though he lacks a bit in TPE he is certainly a well liked user around the league and is improving when it comes to updating. He is even my most trusted confidant. I often go to him when my wife and I are having marital issues. I mean, I don’t mean to get personal here or anything but, she told me she was sworn to carry my burdens yet whenever I try and give her an extra dragon bone or twelve she just sits there like “I can’t carry any more. I’m already carrying too much.” Like, seriously Lydia? Anyways, Go Go Get Honolulu another championship title Inspector!
~Jesus, okay I don't know how Gadget typed all those picks before me because my fingers are tired man. Respect for my brother in crime. That about does it for our First round mock draft for the upcoming ISFL draft. Like we said to begin with.. This mock is 100% real and not fake. We are professional analysts and we absolutely know what we are doing here. If you have any problems or qualms with our rankings or if you think you were snubbed you can kindly direct your complaints to our HR Head - The trash can. Thank you guys, and see you in the draft!~