Good evening ladies and gentlemen, perhaps you have heard of me. I, Augustus von Heimlich, lawyer and professional agent, am now accepting propositions for work!
Are you getting cheated from a contract and deserve more money? Being mistreated by teammates and/or your coach? Are you in the midst of a horrific divorce with a wretched, pale woman who took both your children and stole your favorite tie to give to another man with larger hands (Barbara if you're reading this I hate you please let me see Lucy and MaryAnne please). Then look no further than I, Augustus von Heimlich, for all your lawerying needs!
As the agent for the prestigious and well-known Rich Triplet, I represent him, protecting him as a strong, masculine father figure. I watch over him as if he was a baby bird, needing nutrients through the form of regurgitated food bubbling from my mouth into his. But rather than warm, succulent seed-matter, I give him financial success and protection against those who would wrong him!
As a client, I promise to work the best I can to reach a solution that benefits YOU! Together, we will make money, lots of money, delicious money, and we will reach the heights of football stardom as best friends and allies. Do not feel scared, do not feel worried, for I am here to hold your much smaller hands in mine and walk this journey of life together.
Hope to hear back from you soon!
- Augustus von Heimlich.
Are you getting cheated from a contract and deserve more money? Being mistreated by teammates and/or your coach? Are you in the midst of a horrific divorce with a wretched, pale woman who took both your children and stole your favorite tie to give to another man with larger hands (Barbara if you're reading this I hate you please let me see Lucy and MaryAnne please). Then look no further than I, Augustus von Heimlich, for all your lawerying needs!
As the agent for the prestigious and well-known Rich Triplet, I represent him, protecting him as a strong, masculine father figure. I watch over him as if he was a baby bird, needing nutrients through the form of regurgitated food bubbling from my mouth into his. But rather than warm, succulent seed-matter, I give him financial success and protection against those who would wrong him!
As a client, I promise to work the best I can to reach a solution that benefits YOU! Together, we will make money, lots of money, delicious money, and we will reach the heights of football stardom as best friends and allies. Do not feel scared, do not feel worried, for I am here to hold your much smaller hands in mine and walk this journey of life together.
Hope to hear back from you soon!
- Augustus von Heimlich.
Professional Lawyer to Rich Triplet. Trial Lawyer for the Arizona Outlaws. LSG legal consultant. Looking for legal services? I'm accepting new clients!
"Big results, even bigger hands."
"Big results, even bigger hands."