02-20-2023, 08:33 AM
(This post was last modified: 02-28-2023, 07:38 AM by nickyvmlp. Edited 4 times in total.)
Last season's predictions thread was a lot of fun, and made for a good thing to look back on, so why don't we make this a yearly tradition. Let's examine each team and see if I can make a bold prediction or two. *chugs a cream soda, because I’m not in as much of a rush this time*
Arizona Outlaws
Additions: RB Sherwin Blue Jr., DT Sir Tywrell Xah'aawrone, S NotSo Smart
Departures: RB Jay Cue Jr., DE Erick Bolanos, S Lance Witt
Position Changes: none
Last season, the Outlaws went into the season with all kinds of expectations placed upon them, and they soooooorta lived up to them. They won their conference, but only did so with an 11-5 record. They made the Ultimus, and then ran face-first into a buzzsaw known as the Yellowknife Wraiths. Now they find themselves without their franchise running back for the first time since Season 32, and are beginning the process of starting the Danny Nedelko era in earnest.
Starting out on offense, we might be looking at the final season of Wendell Sailor at quarterback. He’s still a max earner, but Donovan Winters has been patiently waiting his turn, and if I’ve done my math right, if both players max earn, Winters will be just ahead of him, after Sailor takes his next regression pill. The offense is still built for him to thrive though, with three top flight receivers, two of whom are right at their peak before regression will make them slide. Danny Nedelko will be the main rock-toter for the Outlaws, and is primed to be a top 3 back for the next several years, provided new backup Sherwin Blue Jr. doesn’t take too much of his thunder, which I could honestly see happening.
And on defense, the team is set. They have either actives or very playable inactives at pretty much every single spot. Sir Tywrell Xah'aawrone was a great get in the late second to finally put Erick Bolanos out to pasture. Same for NotSo Smart in the first, letting them move on from Lance Witt. The rest of this defense is as good as advertised. They were the only team in the league with three people in the top ten in sacks (Raphael McTurtle, Leonardo McTurtle, and Akaki Akayre). Not even sack-happy Cape Town or GOAT defense Yellowknife can say that. They were second in the league in rush defense, and with a little bit of work to their pass defense, we might get a stew going here.
Predictions: Wendell Sailor doesn’t make the All-Pro team, but he still puts up terrific numbers, before he changes position next offseason, and if I had to guess a position, I’d say safety Danny Nedelko goes god-mode, and matches his yardage from his first two seasons combined (1525), with Sherwin Blue Jr. not playing as much of a factor as I’m sure he would like. The defense continues to put down top-three numbers in sacks, but now they finally start grabbing some interceptions, let’s say top-half of the league there.
Final record: 12-4, 2nd in ASFC
Austin Copperheads
Additions: TE Pegme Amidala, LB Mario Moloka’i
Departures: TE Nick L. Back
Position changes: DT -> LB Mario Moloka’i
Last year, I mentioned that the Copperheads were on their way up, and they most certainly were. They jumped from 8-8 to 11-5 and were nearly the #1 seed in the ASFC. Since that time, the only major things to change was the call-up of last year’s first round pick, and a new tight end to replace one of the worst ones in the league. In the words of DDP, that’s not a bad thing, that’s a good thing.
Queen Elizabeth II didn’t quite put up the same eye-watering numbers she did in her rookie season, but they were still very good, just in a slightly different way. Fewer touchdowns, but fewer picks. Worse completion percentage, better yards per attempt, stuff like that. It makes me think that her game will continue to evolve, and that she’ll continue to improve. On the ground, Jeff Newman looks poised to be taking over the reins from Ozamataz Buckshank, and be a bigger part of this offense (at least until Howard Coward makes his debut). And at receiver, they still have Zaphod Beeblebrox and Delores Bickerman as their 1A and 1B at receiver. Two absolute beasts on both sides of the field, and the sim still likes Johnny Patey, as he also went for 1000 yards even in a diminished role. Maybe the emergence of Pegme Amidala changes that, but we’ll see.
Their defense was actually pretty good at stopping the other team from scoring points, which I guess is the point of this whole football thing, but they didn’t really put up big, flashy stats while doing that. Draft Steal led the team in picks with four, less than half of what the league leader in that category had. Joey Din and Joe Smokes led the team in sacks with 10, just over half of the league leader had. However, they were second in the league in points and yards allowed. Seems like this is just a functionally good defense that gets its stops by just not letting the other team gain ten yards in four downs. What a concept.
Predictions: Queen Elizabeth ascends to that upper tier of quarterbacks, making the All-Pro Team, and being in the MVP hunt. Jeff Newman cracks the millennium mark in rushing yards, and for added fun, gets his first ever receiving touchdown, while Buckshank drops off by quite a bit, as the team focuses more on passing than rushing. Beeblebrox and Bickerman both land in the top 10 in receiving yards, and one of them gets a First-Team All-Pro. The defense doesn’t change too much from last season, but maybe is just a top-five unit instead of top-two, but they get a few more sacks than last year.
Final record: 13-3, 1st in ASFC
Baltimore Hawks
Additions: RB Money Tolliver, WR Rocky Moreaux, WR Jay Money, TE Penger Tolliver, OL Bengal Tigerheart, LB Walter Gunther
Departures: RB Busch Goose, WR Quinton Crash, WR Luke Quick, OL Paul Monitor, DE Boone McCoy, DT Jack Hammer, LB Sheriff Woody, CB Makoa Mahi’ai, SS Fuzzy George
Position changes: LB -> RB Money Tolliver, WR -> TE Penger Tolliver, RB -> CB Jake Williams
This is not even close to the same team we saw from last season. I’ve seen teams go through changings of the guard, but this might be the most dramatic mass exodus of aging talent I’ve ever seen. So much talent that was on the Hawks roster last year is gone. Most of it was being phased out anyway, but even the ones who stayed couldn’t stay put, as there was some wild position changing too. So much so that suddenly, this team might have some juice to it.
We start as always at quarterback with Preston Beatz, a very strong earner, who for the longest time had no one to throw to. Credit to Baltimore management, they fixed the crap out of that problem. They used the #2 overall pick on a player who’d eventually become their new RB1 in Money Tolliver. He’ll still be playing alongside veteran stalwart Dante King, but he might be in the last couple years of his career. Near the end of the draft this year, the Hawks flipped a future 1st for a new WR1 in Rocky Moreaux, aka last year’s receiving yards leader. They drafted another Tolliver, this one Penger, and moved him to tight end, with the hopes that they can move on from the underwhelming Nacho Macho Man. And they even managed to call up Jay Money, who was one pick away from being last year’s Mr. Irrelevant. Well done, young Money.
On defense, they made the difficult decision to move on from maybe their best defensive player ever, someone who’s sitting top five all-time in sacks and did it all with the Hawks, in Sheriff Woody. He was recently sent to New Orleans for a late-round Season 41 pick, while also making room for a new beast at the linebacker position named Walter Gunther. Along with Gunther, their defense is also welcoming Jake Williams, last year’s #6 overall pick and top rookie rusher, who’s now moving over to cornerback. It’s enough movement to make your head spin.
Predictions: Baltimore continues to trend upwards as Preston Beatz sets new career highs in yards and touchdowns. Money Tolliver’s numbers are basically identical to the ones Jake Williams put down last season, while Dante King gets about 40% of the workload. Moreaux’s numbers go down, but not by as much as you’d think, at least 75-1200-8. Gunther tops 100 tackles as a rookie and is at least a finalist for Defensive Rookie of the Year. Both Bruce Buckley Jr. and Bridge Burner set new career highs in sacks, and at least one has at least 10 of them. Jake Williams takes to his new position like a fish to water and leads the team in interceptions in his first season on that side of the ball.
Prediction: 8-8, 4th in NSFC
Berlin Fire Salamanders
Additions: RB Jay Cue Jr., DE Clint Mustache
Departures: RB Orange Justice, DE Rocco Blade
Position changes: TE -> DE Clint Mustache
Right now, the middle of the NSFC is full of talented teams that are on the cusp of breaking out, all of whom are going to be fighting each other for the third playoff spot behind Sarasota and Yellowknife. Berlin is in that group, and certainly has a good amount of talent, but I’m not sure if they’re quite in a position to break out like some other teams are.
The big story of Berlin’s offseason was the acquisition of Jay Cue Jr., arguably the best running back to ever lace up a pair of cleats. Cue lost his starting job in Arizona to Danny Nedelko, but he still has plenty to offer with 93 Speed, and he’ll be back in a starting role, since Rab Thecrab is still a ghost. The passing game should continue to grow with the development of Roque Santa Cruz, along with his two top-end receivers in Zayne Dangle and Octavio Perez.
On defense, they’re still led by Fred Edison, Defensive Player of the Year finalist last season, and someone who’s young enough to absolutely run it back for the next few seasons. They were pretty lousy in terms of points allowed on defense, and especially with getting interceptions and deflections, which is odd, since they were fourth in the league in passing yards allowed. I guess they were just able to cover well, while not necessarily getting hands on the ball.
Predictions: Jay Cue Jr. is more LT in New York than Emmitt in Arizona, and still puts up some decent stats, however the focus is more on the passing game, as Roque puts up similar numbers in his sophomore season to his rookie one. Both Perez and Dangle top 1100 yards again, with at least one of them landing in the top ten in receiving yards. Fred Edison has another great year, makes another First-Team All-Pro, and tops his career high in sacks. Someone on this defense gets at least four picks, I just don’t know who.
Final record: 7-9, 5th in NSFC
Cape Town Crash
Additions: QB Creg Jerrith IV, RB John Riggins, LB Haloick Oasis, CB Eric Belmont
Departures: RB Lonnie Jackson, OL Mauler Panda, OL Beeg Beeg Yoshi, LB Nathan Claflin, CB Tony Demonson, CB Theo Lariat
Position changes: QB -> CB Bageshwari Singh
Say hello to the league's newest starting quarterback, Creg Jerrith IV. He is now the fourth quarterback to go pro out of the S37 Draft, pretty darn impressive. Other than the new quarterback though, this is largely the same team that landed in Cape Town for the first time last year, just with a couple of older players retired and few new arrivals.
With the team still getting adjusted to their new quarterback, expect Jarvis Harbinger-Marjin to become an even bigger part of this offense. Even with the addition of change of pace back John Riggins, this is still his offense. With Escanor Sama beginning to regress, there could be more of an effort to get Erwin Kemp and TE American Boot into the mix.
On defense, the catch of the day is sacks, and lots of them. They tied the league lead in the category, and were right up there in TFLs as well. These guys know how to get into the backfield and disrupt plays, especially with guys like Dominos Pizzaman and Christian Marciano leading the way for them. And they can go in the secondary too, as Jasper Fontaine led the team in picks with five.
Predictions: There are a few hiccups in the passing game, as Jerrith isn’t quite as good as Singh was last season, and the offense leans more on JHM than ever. Jarvis ends up top 5 on the season in rushing yards, and will make at least an Honorable Mention appearance when I do my MVP Rankings pieces. Sama falls off big time, and both Erwin Kemp and American Boot top 1000 receiving yards. The defense still gets sacks like crazy, but the picks go down a little bit from last season.
Final record: 6-10, 6th in NSFC
Chicago Butchers
Additions: QB Adrian St. Christmas, LB Sakeem Webb, CB Apollo Program
Departures: QB Tron Carter, OL Michael Carimi, LB Omni Man, CB Brock Landers Jr., S Tessie Garciaparra
Position changes: FS -> CB Quendyn Quarterstorm
The Adrian St. Christmas World Tour makes its third stop, this time in Chicago as they need a bridge quarterback to prepare for Painted Penguin’s debut next season, and what a bridge he is. He more than carried his weight as he helped Yellowknife to an Ultimus victory, and now he continues to try to play for every team in the league by stopping in Chicago. What weapons will he have for his presumably single season there?
Well, they still have the league’s most prolific inactive back in Lalu Mohammed Zohri, and while he’s still very good, don’t be surprised if we see a lot more of Frank Dux this season. Dux has been putting in the work, while Zohri is falling off with regression. I think a more balanced split in the offense could be coming. At receiver, Austin Morley is looking like he’ll be the undisputed #1 receiver and it really isn’t close, as Vincent Sharpei Jr. is really starting to drop off in TPE. Meanwhile, three active receivers are waiting in the D-League to fill his spot once he retires, and it’ll be interesting to see who gets the nod there.
This defense is a high-risk, high-reward, anxiety producer. They led the league last season in interceptions, but were last in passing yards allowed, which tells me they went for the home run play a lot, and sometimes it worked, while other times, they paid for it. Moving from Brock Landers Jr. to Apollo Program feels like a move that won’t start paying massive dividends for another year or two, though maybe moving Quendyn Quarterstorm to the outside will.
Predictions: Adrian St. Christmas is an instant improvement over Tron Carter, and is able to keep the Butchers at a high level, however the lack of a strong WR2 will keep him off the All-Pro Team. Zohri’s numbers take a big dropoff to the point where he and Frank Dux are practically splitting reps evenly. Morley is top 3 in receiving yards, while Sharpei is outside the top 25. Quarterstorm is top 5 in interceptions, and gets some decent MVP love.
Final record: 10-6, 3rd in NSFC
Colorado Yeti
Additions: WR Rodka Raskolnikov, DE Stryker Brown, DT Patty Pumpernickel, CB Cedric Wilkins II
Departures: WR Rocky Moreaux, LB Mason Jones, CB Graham Harper
Position changes: none
I don’t have a great feeling about this team. Trading away your top receiver, a top five receiver in this league, for a 1st round pick that you aren’t even going to use right away, especially with a quarterback that’s already starting to feel regression, feels the behavior of a team that’s about to tank. Especially when you consider that the Yeti will now have three first-round picks, all of which are from teams likely to miss the playoffs. This might be rough for the Yeti fans out there.
Live Laughlove is still an elite quarterback who’s maxed out in all of his major throwing statistics, but picking now to start looking to the future tells me the next time we’ll see the Yeti in a good position will be once his successor is on the field. The rest of the offense is merely good at best, and not good at worst. Ceti Pyxis will likely be the only running back to see significant touches. I do think that since the Yeti have a second tight end in Bong Stevens, #1 TE Mister Hogmally could see a lot of work outside.
On defense, this team has a rough front seven, as almost everyone there is either too young, too old, or too not here anymore. Their secondary is surprisingly stacked, which will be pretty good if the offense forces them into shootouts. They were second in the league in picks, and first in defensive touchdowns, so this defense may just keep them in some games this season.
Predictions: Live Laughlove has a big down year, similar in numbers to his Season 37 campaign. Ceti Pyxis gets the majority of the carries, but with them being behind a lot, he finishes outside the top 10 in attempts. Mister Hogmally puts up WR1 numbers and makes a lot of fantasy football people very happy. The picks stay high in both their secondary and on draft night.
Final record: 2-12, 7th in NSFC
Honolulu Hahalua
Additions: RB Henry Oswald-Newman, WR Rockbot Rockbo, DE Liv Elsathelookout, DT Raya Ho’opa’i, DT Lenny Longpipe, CB Theo Lariat
Departures: RB John Riggins, WR Rodka Raskolnikov, WR Dick Grayson, DE George Fantobens, DE Kellan Frost, DE D’Squarius Green V, DT Howie DeWitt, CB Lip Gallagher
Position changes: LB -> DE Liv Elsathelookout, OL -> DT Raya Ho’opa’i
Honolulu found my analysis of their team last year so insightful, they drafted me to help fix their problems. This is what’s known in the business as “fucking around and finding out”. Maybe you could call what I’m about to say a huge swig of copium, but I genuinely have high hopes for this team. Keep in mind, I never called the Honolulu front office incompetent or bad at team building or smelly. I simply said they were in late-stage tanking, and this team looks like they’ll be ready to emerge from the darkness as strong as ever.
Why am I so confident in this team? Well let’s start with this: they have either the best or second-best TPE earners from the Season 37-39 Drafts right now, including Nova Montagne from Season 37. She’s already approaching max stats in just her fourth season since getting drafted, and has a great core around her. Bean Delphine Jr. had a few monster games last season, and they managed to call up a late-round gem from Season 38 in Henry Oswald-Newman. I was already calling Leak Mai-Heinous one of the best receivers of this generation before I showed up there, and nothing I’ve seen has changed my mind. Waluigi Gronkowski is another tight end that I could see playing outside, and even inactive receiver Rockbot Rockbo has great attributes, and is still a ways off from regression.
Then on defense, all the signs of a new roster are there. I’ve never seen a team draft an entire defensive line in one draft, but they pulled it off with a few position changes. And as an added bonus, they aren’t employing a 54 TPE defensive tackle anymore. Hallelujah, it’s a new day, yes it is. Caleb Hayden and Maxwell Jacob Friedman make a terrific one-two punch at linebacker. And I’m gonna name the trio of corners of Theo Lariat, Seth Leavitt, and Luigi Lanikai “The L Squad”, because they’re gonna be handing receivers a lot of Ls this season. (Editing note: remove that joke.)
Predictions: This team will see major improvements, but they're still incredibly young and a ways off from their prime. Nova Montagne tops her rookie numbers in every single major category. Bean Delphine and Leek Mai-Heinous both finish top five in their respective yardage categories. Raya Ho’opa’i is the surprise breakout star of this defense, and ends up with a Defensive Rookie of the Year nomination. And finally, I stop grading the Hahalua on a curve in my MVP Rankings posts, so as not to be accused of favoritism.
Final record: 5-11, 6th in the ASFC
New Orleans Second Line
Additions: WR Dick Grayson, LB Sheriff Woody
Departures: RB Michael Patrick Porkins, LB Spot Robodog
Position changes: RB -> CB The Stig, DT -> LB Solace Avenger
This feels like a team that’s about to undergo a serious identity change. For the last several years, The Stig has been the man that this Second Line offense ran through. But this offseason, we’re seeing him move to cornerback, and because of that, we could be seeing some big changes for the Second Line this season.
With The Stig’s move to the defense, that brings our attention to Elessar Jones, a maxed out quarterback who’s a year away from regression, along with two receivers who’ll be flirting with 1000 TPE all season long in Ttollem Mada and PeePee PoopEater Sr., and one might expect this offense to lean more on them this season. That’s not to take anything away from their incumbent running back, Armor Queen, but I don’t think she’ll be getting a massive workload right away when the offense can go in a different direction for now.
This defense was already pretty scary before they added The “MFing” Stig to it. Now? Be afraid. By the end of this season, they’ll likely have seven defensive players with at least 1000 TPE which is absolutely mentalcakes. Oh and by the way, they also added Sheriff Woody, the guy who’s fifth all-time in sacks, to this Lesnar of a defense. He’s fallen in TPE by a little bit, but he still knows how to get to the quarterback, and his user also played with the Second Line for an entire long career as Forrest Gump. This thing,… it scares me.
Predictions: Starting with the defense, in a refreshing change. These guys will lead the league in fewest points allowed, even fewer than Yellowknife. The Stig is still a Daddy and will be a beast at cornerback, finishing top 5 in picks. Solace Avenger has a breakout season, thanks to him moving outside, and logs double-digit sacks. On offense, Elessar Jones has a breakout season as well, going over 4000 passing yards and 25 passing touchdowns for the first time in his career. Mada and PoopEater both have 1100 yard receiving seasons, and Armor Queen isn’t in the top 10 in rush attempts despite being the only running back on the roster, but still puts up a decent season, like at least 800 rushing yards.
Final record: 10-6, 3rd in ASFC
New York Silverbacks
Additions: DE Rocco Blade, DT Lennay Kekua, DT Lionel Scrimmage, CB Brock Landers Jr.
Departures: DT Patty Pumpernickel, LB Sakeem Webb, CB Modern Nazgul, CB Ray the Manta Ray
Position changes: none
Alright, fine, I’ll give the Silverbacks a fair shake this season after I kinda just skipped them last year, but honestly, I don’t know if I’m all that excited about their prospects this season. This seems like a team that's starting to get a little inactive, a little aging in a few places, with some big holes that they need to examine.
Malcolm Savage is at this point the lowest rated starting quarterback in the league, and they might have to either play him again next season, start Blaine Falco on just two seasons of development prep (who BTW, hasn’t updated since New Year’s Day), or find someone to switch positions (or get St. Christmas next season). They do have a few big-play threats in Michaelangelo McTurtle, Mandrews McHollywood, and Matthew Mara, I just question if the quarterback can keep up with them.
On defense, it might be even worse. They have five defensive linemen this season, all of whom are under 500 TPE, and most of them are way older than their TPE suggests. They can however still boast a very strong back seven, with four 1000 TPE players, a first place ranking in passing yards allowed last season, and a top-three ranking in deflections. If they fall behind in games this season, I think their strong secondary can help get their offense back on the field.
Predictions: Savage leads the league in interceptions, and announces a position change at the end of the season. Michaelangelo has a career high in rushing yards, and is the most impressive part of the offense. The defense is bottom three in sacks, but top three in picks.
Final record: 6-10, 5th in ASFC
Orange County Otters
Additions: TE Big McLarge Huge, DE Boone McCoy, CB Jamdrian LeBayers, CB Dragazor Blaze
Departures: DE Will Stern, LB Sir Peter Jackson, LB Konstantin Selich, CB Anton Bruckner, CB Doc Holliday
Position changes: none
It’s hard to look at the Kaguya Shinomiya era in Orange County as a successful one for Otters, it feels like this team is just lacking in a few ways at the moment. They did add some strong help in the draft this season, but they might need another good one to really tip the scales. Also, the Otters don’t have their own first round pick this season, they have San Jose’s, so they can’t even really tank this season.
Shinomiya has always done his best work with his legs, as have most of the people on this offense, as there are some speedy boys on this roster, particularly Zane Cold, who had a big breakout at the end of last season. However, he too is already in regression, and it’s unclear if he’ll be able to continue his hot streak from the end of that season. Thomas Robinson is a solid enough WR1, but the offense that he’s in significantly reduces his potential, and no other pass catchers on this team are really moving the needle just yet.
The defense just straight up doesn’t excite me. Ace McAllister is a strong corner, and they have a few good, young players from the last few drafts in Johnson Lovehammer, Sim Sunigh, and Jamdrian LeBayers, but a lot of this defense consists of people who never reached their full potential, or are wildly past their prime. It’s just not an exciting unit to talk about.
Predictions: Zane Cold falls back down to earth and is around 1200 rushing yards. Shinomiya makes some fantasy owners happy, but his passing yards are bottom three in the league again. Robinson tops his career high in receiving yards, but only barely. The defense is bottom three in the league again, and they just aren’t able to stay close in a lot of games. The only player on this team to make the All-Pro squad is their fullback.
Final record: 3-13, 7th in ASFC
San Jose SaberCats
Additions: OL Larry Jenkins, DE Alex Armstrong, CB Graham Harper, CB Brooks Piggott
Departures: OL Dane Johnson Jr., OL Panda McKyle, CB Cedric Wilkins II
Position changes: none
This feels like it’ll be the Silverbacks team of this season if I wanted to be a jerk. There’s not a ton to get hyped about here. They traded this year's first round pick to Orange County for a regressing receiver who hasn’t been active in two weeks. Their best offensive skill position player is a tight end that they’ve never been able to maximize the potential of. It’s just a rather distressing team to examine.
Owen Farrell gives me big “captain of the Titanic” energy. He’s a really strong player who’s max earning, and could be their starter for many more years to come, but he just doesn’t have any exciting weapons around him who won’t be unusable in a few years, aside from maybe Cornelius King III, but even then, his growth has been slow as molasses. Lord Farquaad might help their offense grow, but he’s still a year away from a call-up, so not yet he won’t, even still, he’s only one man.
The defense has a few strong pieces and was actually top three in passing yards allowed. It feels like a unit that’s growing into a strong corps, and might have to carry this team a little bit while it reloads on offensive firepower. I’m not sure if they have any other particular stat they excel at though, so don’t expect the ‘85 Bears to roll through those doors.
Predictions: For the first time in his career, Owen Farrell doesn’t clear 4,000 passing yards or 30 passing touchdowns. Deshawn Penne finally tops the 1000 receiving yard mark for the first time in his career, and comes close to leading the team in receiving yards. DeAndre King is still floating in that 700-900 rushing yard void. The defense cracks the top five in sacks, but is not very exciting elsewhere.
Final record: 6-10, 4th in ASFC
Sarasota Sailfish
Additions: TE Bastian Weichselbraun, OL Dane Johnson Jr., DE Ginand Toxic, LB Fronky Fresh
Departures: OL Zoltan, DT Lennay Kekua, CB Apollo Program
Position changes: none
This team is one that I think can make some serious noise this season. It’ll likely be their final season with Carter Knight at the helm, but the talent around this team is superb, and it’s a real shame that we didn’t get to see the Sailfish take on the Wraiths in the playoffs, as it seemed like they were one of the few teams that had their number.
Carter Knight is getting older, this I know. But he’s still 95-90-94 in arm strength, accuracy, and intelligence. That’ll work in my book. Plus, he still has three First-Team All-Pros from last season on the offense coming back in Nick Kaepercolin Jr., TE Lucius Salem, and OL Troy Barnes. Plus, Sconnie McSix and Pete Zuh who could be All-Pros this season, and last year’s Offensive Rookie of the Year in Johnny Blaze Jr. Who’s stopping that offense, I ask you, who?
Their defense, however, is starting to get a little long in the tooth as well. They still have three 1000+ TPE guys, but there's a lot of players who were drafted in the early-30s on this defense. They finished fourth in points allowed, and added two new rookies to the mix, so it’ll be interesting to see if they keep that pace going from last season.
Predictions: Carter Knight makes one more All-Pro team before he moves position at season’s end. Pete Zuh finishes top three in rushing yards, since he’ll be getting 100% of the workload in Sarasota. Sconnie McSix’s numbers are just a hair under what Nick Kaepercolin Jr. did last season. Lucius Salem puts up the best stats of any tight end who actually plays along the line. The defense regresses a little bit from last season, but not enough to lose them many games.
Final record: 13-3, 1st in NSFC (regular season champions)
Yellowknife Wraiths
Arrivals: TE Detective Crashmore, SS Gore Done Ram Say, DT Teddy Rhinoback
Departures: QB Adrian St. Christmas, WR Cliff Burton, CB Drazanor Blaze
Position changes: DT -> QB Absolute Unit, QB -> SS Gore Done Ram Say
Say hello to the league's even newier-est starting quarterback, Absolute Unit. He transferred to the position from defensive tackle, and that forces a lot of TPE to be banked. Even though he had about 1000 points earned, he’s sitting on about 400 of them, so functionally, he’ll probably be the worst quarterback in the league. Makes sense though, he’s a defensive tackle learning QB on the fly. But, if there was a time to try and ride with an inexperienced QB, this is it.
This is a team that has enough sheer talent on its books around it to be able to carry Unit through some rough patches. The best 1-2 punch at running back in the league. A super strong receiver in Calvin Spiff. A new tight end for him to grow with. Some of the best offensive linemen in the league. These guys could probably get to the playoffs with a fetus at quarterback.
And what’s that sound coming from over the horizon? Oh yea, it’s just the best defense of all time adding a couple of extra pieces to their very scary puzzle. Unit will not have to put up a ton of points in order for his team to win, provided the defense is even a fraction of how dominant they were last season.
Predictions: Unit is last in the league in passing attempts as he’s eased into this new role, but is still fairly efficient, if nothing else. In lieu of passing, Archipelago and Akinfenwa are both top 10 in rush attempts, and both top 1100 rushing yards, leading the league in team rushing yards by a mile. Spiff tops 1000 receiving yards again, but has the lowest yards per reception of his career so far, getting a career high in receptions in the process. Multiple players finish top 10 in both sacks and interceptions, and this defense is still top three in points allowed.
Final record: 11-5, 2nd in NSFC
Arizona Outlaws
Additions: RB Sherwin Blue Jr., DT Sir Tywrell Xah'aawrone, S NotSo Smart
Departures: RB Jay Cue Jr., DE Erick Bolanos, S Lance Witt
Position Changes: none
Last season, the Outlaws went into the season with all kinds of expectations placed upon them, and they soooooorta lived up to them. They won their conference, but only did so with an 11-5 record. They made the Ultimus, and then ran face-first into a buzzsaw known as the Yellowknife Wraiths. Now they find themselves without their franchise running back for the first time since Season 32, and are beginning the process of starting the Danny Nedelko era in earnest.
Starting out on offense, we might be looking at the final season of Wendell Sailor at quarterback. He’s still a max earner, but Donovan Winters has been patiently waiting his turn, and if I’ve done my math right, if both players max earn, Winters will be just ahead of him, after Sailor takes his next regression pill. The offense is still built for him to thrive though, with three top flight receivers, two of whom are right at their peak before regression will make them slide. Danny Nedelko will be the main rock-toter for the Outlaws, and is primed to be a top 3 back for the next several years, provided new backup Sherwin Blue Jr. doesn’t take too much of his thunder, which I could honestly see happening.
And on defense, the team is set. They have either actives or very playable inactives at pretty much every single spot. Sir Tywrell Xah'aawrone was a great get in the late second to finally put Erick Bolanos out to pasture. Same for NotSo Smart in the first, letting them move on from Lance Witt. The rest of this defense is as good as advertised. They were the only team in the league with three people in the top ten in sacks (Raphael McTurtle, Leonardo McTurtle, and Akaki Akayre). Not even sack-happy Cape Town or GOAT defense Yellowknife can say that. They were second in the league in rush defense, and with a little bit of work to their pass defense, we might get a stew going here.
Predictions: Wendell Sailor doesn’t make the All-Pro team, but he still puts up terrific numbers, before he changes position next offseason, and if I had to guess a position, I’d say safety Danny Nedelko goes god-mode, and matches his yardage from his first two seasons combined (1525), with Sherwin Blue Jr. not playing as much of a factor as I’m sure he would like. The defense continues to put down top-three numbers in sacks, but now they finally start grabbing some interceptions, let’s say top-half of the league there.
Final record: 12-4, 2nd in ASFC
Austin Copperheads
Additions: TE Pegme Amidala, LB Mario Moloka’i
Departures: TE Nick L. Back
Position changes: DT -> LB Mario Moloka’i
Last year, I mentioned that the Copperheads were on their way up, and they most certainly were. They jumped from 8-8 to 11-5 and were nearly the #1 seed in the ASFC. Since that time, the only major things to change was the call-up of last year’s first round pick, and a new tight end to replace one of the worst ones in the league. In the words of DDP, that’s not a bad thing, that’s a good thing.
Queen Elizabeth II didn’t quite put up the same eye-watering numbers she did in her rookie season, but they were still very good, just in a slightly different way. Fewer touchdowns, but fewer picks. Worse completion percentage, better yards per attempt, stuff like that. It makes me think that her game will continue to evolve, and that she’ll continue to improve. On the ground, Jeff Newman looks poised to be taking over the reins from Ozamataz Buckshank, and be a bigger part of this offense (at least until Howard Coward makes his debut). And at receiver, they still have Zaphod Beeblebrox and Delores Bickerman as their 1A and 1B at receiver. Two absolute beasts on both sides of the field, and the sim still likes Johnny Patey, as he also went for 1000 yards even in a diminished role. Maybe the emergence of Pegme Amidala changes that, but we’ll see.
Their defense was actually pretty good at stopping the other team from scoring points, which I guess is the point of this whole football thing, but they didn’t really put up big, flashy stats while doing that. Draft Steal led the team in picks with four, less than half of what the league leader in that category had. Joey Din and Joe Smokes led the team in sacks with 10, just over half of the league leader had. However, they were second in the league in points and yards allowed. Seems like this is just a functionally good defense that gets its stops by just not letting the other team gain ten yards in four downs. What a concept.
Predictions: Queen Elizabeth ascends to that upper tier of quarterbacks, making the All-Pro Team, and being in the MVP hunt. Jeff Newman cracks the millennium mark in rushing yards, and for added fun, gets his first ever receiving touchdown, while Buckshank drops off by quite a bit, as the team focuses more on passing than rushing. Beeblebrox and Bickerman both land in the top 10 in receiving yards, and one of them gets a First-Team All-Pro. The defense doesn’t change too much from last season, but maybe is just a top-five unit instead of top-two, but they get a few more sacks than last year.
Final record: 13-3, 1st in ASFC
Baltimore Hawks
Additions: RB Money Tolliver, WR Rocky Moreaux, WR Jay Money, TE Penger Tolliver, OL Bengal Tigerheart, LB Walter Gunther
Departures: RB Busch Goose, WR Quinton Crash, WR Luke Quick, OL Paul Monitor, DE Boone McCoy, DT Jack Hammer, LB Sheriff Woody, CB Makoa Mahi’ai, SS Fuzzy George
Position changes: LB -> RB Money Tolliver, WR -> TE Penger Tolliver, RB -> CB Jake Williams
This is not even close to the same team we saw from last season. I’ve seen teams go through changings of the guard, but this might be the most dramatic mass exodus of aging talent I’ve ever seen. So much talent that was on the Hawks roster last year is gone. Most of it was being phased out anyway, but even the ones who stayed couldn’t stay put, as there was some wild position changing too. So much so that suddenly, this team might have some juice to it.
We start as always at quarterback with Preston Beatz, a very strong earner, who for the longest time had no one to throw to. Credit to Baltimore management, they fixed the crap out of that problem. They used the #2 overall pick on a player who’d eventually become their new RB1 in Money Tolliver. He’ll still be playing alongside veteran stalwart Dante King, but he might be in the last couple years of his career. Near the end of the draft this year, the Hawks flipped a future 1st for a new WR1 in Rocky Moreaux, aka last year’s receiving yards leader. They drafted another Tolliver, this one Penger, and moved him to tight end, with the hopes that they can move on from the underwhelming Nacho Macho Man. And they even managed to call up Jay Money, who was one pick away from being last year’s Mr. Irrelevant. Well done, young Money.
On defense, they made the difficult decision to move on from maybe their best defensive player ever, someone who’s sitting top five all-time in sacks and did it all with the Hawks, in Sheriff Woody. He was recently sent to New Orleans for a late-round Season 41 pick, while also making room for a new beast at the linebacker position named Walter Gunther. Along with Gunther, their defense is also welcoming Jake Williams, last year’s #6 overall pick and top rookie rusher, who’s now moving over to cornerback. It’s enough movement to make your head spin.
Predictions: Baltimore continues to trend upwards as Preston Beatz sets new career highs in yards and touchdowns. Money Tolliver’s numbers are basically identical to the ones Jake Williams put down last season, while Dante King gets about 40% of the workload. Moreaux’s numbers go down, but not by as much as you’d think, at least 75-1200-8. Gunther tops 100 tackles as a rookie and is at least a finalist for Defensive Rookie of the Year. Both Bruce Buckley Jr. and Bridge Burner set new career highs in sacks, and at least one has at least 10 of them. Jake Williams takes to his new position like a fish to water and leads the team in interceptions in his first season on that side of the ball.
Prediction: 8-8, 4th in NSFC
Berlin Fire Salamanders
Additions: RB Jay Cue Jr., DE Clint Mustache
Departures: RB Orange Justice, DE Rocco Blade
Position changes: TE -> DE Clint Mustache
Right now, the middle of the NSFC is full of talented teams that are on the cusp of breaking out, all of whom are going to be fighting each other for the third playoff spot behind Sarasota and Yellowknife. Berlin is in that group, and certainly has a good amount of talent, but I’m not sure if they’re quite in a position to break out like some other teams are.
The big story of Berlin’s offseason was the acquisition of Jay Cue Jr., arguably the best running back to ever lace up a pair of cleats. Cue lost his starting job in Arizona to Danny Nedelko, but he still has plenty to offer with 93 Speed, and he’ll be back in a starting role, since Rab Thecrab is still a ghost. The passing game should continue to grow with the development of Roque Santa Cruz, along with his two top-end receivers in Zayne Dangle and Octavio Perez.
On defense, they’re still led by Fred Edison, Defensive Player of the Year finalist last season, and someone who’s young enough to absolutely run it back for the next few seasons. They were pretty lousy in terms of points allowed on defense, and especially with getting interceptions and deflections, which is odd, since they were fourth in the league in passing yards allowed. I guess they were just able to cover well, while not necessarily getting hands on the ball.
Predictions: Jay Cue Jr. is more LT in New York than Emmitt in Arizona, and still puts up some decent stats, however the focus is more on the passing game, as Roque puts up similar numbers in his sophomore season to his rookie one. Both Perez and Dangle top 1100 yards again, with at least one of them landing in the top ten in receiving yards. Fred Edison has another great year, makes another First-Team All-Pro, and tops his career high in sacks. Someone on this defense gets at least four picks, I just don’t know who.
Final record: 7-9, 5th in NSFC
Cape Town Crash
Additions: QB Creg Jerrith IV, RB John Riggins, LB Haloick Oasis, CB Eric Belmont
Departures: RB Lonnie Jackson, OL Mauler Panda, OL Beeg Beeg Yoshi, LB Nathan Claflin, CB Tony Demonson, CB Theo Lariat
Position changes: QB -> CB Bageshwari Singh
Say hello to the league's newest starting quarterback, Creg Jerrith IV. He is now the fourth quarterback to go pro out of the S37 Draft, pretty darn impressive. Other than the new quarterback though, this is largely the same team that landed in Cape Town for the first time last year, just with a couple of older players retired and few new arrivals.
With the team still getting adjusted to their new quarterback, expect Jarvis Harbinger-Marjin to become an even bigger part of this offense. Even with the addition of change of pace back John Riggins, this is still his offense. With Escanor Sama beginning to regress, there could be more of an effort to get Erwin Kemp and TE American Boot into the mix.
On defense, the catch of the day is sacks, and lots of them. They tied the league lead in the category, and were right up there in TFLs as well. These guys know how to get into the backfield and disrupt plays, especially with guys like Dominos Pizzaman and Christian Marciano leading the way for them. And they can go in the secondary too, as Jasper Fontaine led the team in picks with five.
Predictions: There are a few hiccups in the passing game, as Jerrith isn’t quite as good as Singh was last season, and the offense leans more on JHM than ever. Jarvis ends up top 5 on the season in rushing yards, and will make at least an Honorable Mention appearance when I do my MVP Rankings pieces. Sama falls off big time, and both Erwin Kemp and American Boot top 1000 receiving yards. The defense still gets sacks like crazy, but the picks go down a little bit from last season.
Final record: 6-10, 6th in NSFC
Chicago Butchers
Additions: QB Adrian St. Christmas, LB Sakeem Webb, CB Apollo Program
Departures: QB Tron Carter, OL Michael Carimi, LB Omni Man, CB Brock Landers Jr., S Tessie Garciaparra
Position changes: FS -> CB Quendyn Quarterstorm
The Adrian St. Christmas World Tour makes its third stop, this time in Chicago as they need a bridge quarterback to prepare for Painted Penguin’s debut next season, and what a bridge he is. He more than carried his weight as he helped Yellowknife to an Ultimus victory, and now he continues to try to play for every team in the league by stopping in Chicago. What weapons will he have for his presumably single season there?
Well, they still have the league’s most prolific inactive back in Lalu Mohammed Zohri, and while he’s still very good, don’t be surprised if we see a lot more of Frank Dux this season. Dux has been putting in the work, while Zohri is falling off with regression. I think a more balanced split in the offense could be coming. At receiver, Austin Morley is looking like he’ll be the undisputed #1 receiver and it really isn’t close, as Vincent Sharpei Jr. is really starting to drop off in TPE. Meanwhile, three active receivers are waiting in the D-League to fill his spot once he retires, and it’ll be interesting to see who gets the nod there.
This defense is a high-risk, high-reward, anxiety producer. They led the league last season in interceptions, but were last in passing yards allowed, which tells me they went for the home run play a lot, and sometimes it worked, while other times, they paid for it. Moving from Brock Landers Jr. to Apollo Program feels like a move that won’t start paying massive dividends for another year or two, though maybe moving Quendyn Quarterstorm to the outside will.
Predictions: Adrian St. Christmas is an instant improvement over Tron Carter, and is able to keep the Butchers at a high level, however the lack of a strong WR2 will keep him off the All-Pro Team. Zohri’s numbers take a big dropoff to the point where he and Frank Dux are practically splitting reps evenly. Morley is top 3 in receiving yards, while Sharpei is outside the top 25. Quarterstorm is top 5 in interceptions, and gets some decent MVP love.
Final record: 10-6, 3rd in NSFC
Colorado Yeti
Additions: WR Rodka Raskolnikov, DE Stryker Brown, DT Patty Pumpernickel, CB Cedric Wilkins II
Departures: WR Rocky Moreaux, LB Mason Jones, CB Graham Harper
Position changes: none
I don’t have a great feeling about this team. Trading away your top receiver, a top five receiver in this league, for a 1st round pick that you aren’t even going to use right away, especially with a quarterback that’s already starting to feel regression, feels the behavior of a team that’s about to tank. Especially when you consider that the Yeti will now have three first-round picks, all of which are from teams likely to miss the playoffs. This might be rough for the Yeti fans out there.
Live Laughlove is still an elite quarterback who’s maxed out in all of his major throwing statistics, but picking now to start looking to the future tells me the next time we’ll see the Yeti in a good position will be once his successor is on the field. The rest of the offense is merely good at best, and not good at worst. Ceti Pyxis will likely be the only running back to see significant touches. I do think that since the Yeti have a second tight end in Bong Stevens, #1 TE Mister Hogmally could see a lot of work outside.
On defense, this team has a rough front seven, as almost everyone there is either too young, too old, or too not here anymore. Their secondary is surprisingly stacked, which will be pretty good if the offense forces them into shootouts. They were second in the league in picks, and first in defensive touchdowns, so this defense may just keep them in some games this season.
Predictions: Live Laughlove has a big down year, similar in numbers to his Season 37 campaign. Ceti Pyxis gets the majority of the carries, but with them being behind a lot, he finishes outside the top 10 in attempts. Mister Hogmally puts up WR1 numbers and makes a lot of fantasy football people very happy. The picks stay high in both their secondary and on draft night.
Final record: 2-12, 7th in NSFC
Honolulu Hahalua
Additions: RB Henry Oswald-Newman, WR Rockbot Rockbo, DE Liv Elsathelookout, DT Raya Ho’opa’i, DT Lenny Longpipe, CB Theo Lariat
Departures: RB John Riggins, WR Rodka Raskolnikov, WR Dick Grayson, DE George Fantobens, DE Kellan Frost, DE D’Squarius Green V, DT Howie DeWitt, CB Lip Gallagher
Position changes: LB -> DE Liv Elsathelookout, OL -> DT Raya Ho’opa’i
Honolulu found my analysis of their team last year so insightful, they drafted me to help fix their problems. This is what’s known in the business as “fucking around and finding out”. Maybe you could call what I’m about to say a huge swig of copium, but I genuinely have high hopes for this team. Keep in mind, I never called the Honolulu front office incompetent or bad at team building or smelly. I simply said they were in late-stage tanking, and this team looks like they’ll be ready to emerge from the darkness as strong as ever.
Why am I so confident in this team? Well let’s start with this: they have either the best or second-best TPE earners from the Season 37-39 Drafts right now, including Nova Montagne from Season 37. She’s already approaching max stats in just her fourth season since getting drafted, and has a great core around her. Bean Delphine Jr. had a few monster games last season, and they managed to call up a late-round gem from Season 38 in Henry Oswald-Newman. I was already calling Leak Mai-Heinous one of the best receivers of this generation before I showed up there, and nothing I’ve seen has changed my mind. Waluigi Gronkowski is another tight end that I could see playing outside, and even inactive receiver Rockbot Rockbo has great attributes, and is still a ways off from regression.
Then on defense, all the signs of a new roster are there. I’ve never seen a team draft an entire defensive line in one draft, but they pulled it off with a few position changes. And as an added bonus, they aren’t employing a 54 TPE defensive tackle anymore. Hallelujah, it’s a new day, yes it is. Caleb Hayden and Maxwell Jacob Friedman make a terrific one-two punch at linebacker. And I’m gonna name the trio of corners of Theo Lariat, Seth Leavitt, and Luigi Lanikai “The L Squad”, because they’re gonna be handing receivers a lot of Ls this season. (Editing note: remove that joke.)
Predictions: This team will see major improvements, but they're still incredibly young and a ways off from their prime. Nova Montagne tops her rookie numbers in every single major category. Bean Delphine and Leek Mai-Heinous both finish top five in their respective yardage categories. Raya Ho’opa’i is the surprise breakout star of this defense, and ends up with a Defensive Rookie of the Year nomination. And finally, I stop grading the Hahalua on a curve in my MVP Rankings posts, so as not to be accused of favoritism.
Final record: 5-11, 6th in the ASFC
New Orleans Second Line
Additions: WR Dick Grayson, LB Sheriff Woody
Departures: RB Michael Patrick Porkins, LB Spot Robodog
Position changes: RB -> CB The Stig, DT -> LB Solace Avenger
This feels like a team that’s about to undergo a serious identity change. For the last several years, The Stig has been the man that this Second Line offense ran through. But this offseason, we’re seeing him move to cornerback, and because of that, we could be seeing some big changes for the Second Line this season.
With The Stig’s move to the defense, that brings our attention to Elessar Jones, a maxed out quarterback who’s a year away from regression, along with two receivers who’ll be flirting with 1000 TPE all season long in Ttollem Mada and PeePee PoopEater Sr., and one might expect this offense to lean more on them this season. That’s not to take anything away from their incumbent running back, Armor Queen, but I don’t think she’ll be getting a massive workload right away when the offense can go in a different direction for now.
This defense was already pretty scary before they added The “MFing” Stig to it. Now? Be afraid. By the end of this season, they’ll likely have seven defensive players with at least 1000 TPE which is absolutely mentalcakes. Oh and by the way, they also added Sheriff Woody, the guy who’s fifth all-time in sacks, to this Lesnar of a defense. He’s fallen in TPE by a little bit, but he still knows how to get to the quarterback, and his user also played with the Second Line for an entire long career as Forrest Gump. This thing,… it scares me.
Predictions: Starting with the defense, in a refreshing change. These guys will lead the league in fewest points allowed, even fewer than Yellowknife. The Stig is still a Daddy and will be a beast at cornerback, finishing top 5 in picks. Solace Avenger has a breakout season, thanks to him moving outside, and logs double-digit sacks. On offense, Elessar Jones has a breakout season as well, going over 4000 passing yards and 25 passing touchdowns for the first time in his career. Mada and PoopEater both have 1100 yard receiving seasons, and Armor Queen isn’t in the top 10 in rush attempts despite being the only running back on the roster, but still puts up a decent season, like at least 800 rushing yards.
Final record: 10-6, 3rd in ASFC
New York Silverbacks
Additions: DE Rocco Blade, DT Lennay Kekua, DT Lionel Scrimmage, CB Brock Landers Jr.
Departures: DT Patty Pumpernickel, LB Sakeem Webb, CB Modern Nazgul, CB Ray the Manta Ray
Position changes: none
Alright, fine, I’ll give the Silverbacks a fair shake this season after I kinda just skipped them last year, but honestly, I don’t know if I’m all that excited about their prospects this season. This seems like a team that's starting to get a little inactive, a little aging in a few places, with some big holes that they need to examine.
Malcolm Savage is at this point the lowest rated starting quarterback in the league, and they might have to either play him again next season, start Blaine Falco on just two seasons of development prep (who BTW, hasn’t updated since New Year’s Day), or find someone to switch positions (or get St. Christmas next season). They do have a few big-play threats in Michaelangelo McTurtle, Mandrews McHollywood, and Matthew Mara, I just question if the quarterback can keep up with them.
On defense, it might be even worse. They have five defensive linemen this season, all of whom are under 500 TPE, and most of them are way older than their TPE suggests. They can however still boast a very strong back seven, with four 1000 TPE players, a first place ranking in passing yards allowed last season, and a top-three ranking in deflections. If they fall behind in games this season, I think their strong secondary can help get their offense back on the field.
Predictions: Savage leads the league in interceptions, and announces a position change at the end of the season. Michaelangelo has a career high in rushing yards, and is the most impressive part of the offense. The defense is bottom three in sacks, but top three in picks.
Final record: 6-10, 5th in ASFC
Orange County Otters
Additions: TE Big McLarge Huge, DE Boone McCoy, CB Jamdrian LeBayers, CB Dragazor Blaze
Departures: DE Will Stern, LB Sir Peter Jackson, LB Konstantin Selich, CB Anton Bruckner, CB Doc Holliday
Position changes: none
It’s hard to look at the Kaguya Shinomiya era in Orange County as a successful one for Otters, it feels like this team is just lacking in a few ways at the moment. They did add some strong help in the draft this season, but they might need another good one to really tip the scales. Also, the Otters don’t have their own first round pick this season, they have San Jose’s, so they can’t even really tank this season.
Shinomiya has always done his best work with his legs, as have most of the people on this offense, as there are some speedy boys on this roster, particularly Zane Cold, who had a big breakout at the end of last season. However, he too is already in regression, and it’s unclear if he’ll be able to continue his hot streak from the end of that season. Thomas Robinson is a solid enough WR1, but the offense that he’s in significantly reduces his potential, and no other pass catchers on this team are really moving the needle just yet.
The defense just straight up doesn’t excite me. Ace McAllister is a strong corner, and they have a few good, young players from the last few drafts in Johnson Lovehammer, Sim Sunigh, and Jamdrian LeBayers, but a lot of this defense consists of people who never reached their full potential, or are wildly past their prime. It’s just not an exciting unit to talk about.
Predictions: Zane Cold falls back down to earth and is around 1200 rushing yards. Shinomiya makes some fantasy owners happy, but his passing yards are bottom three in the league again. Robinson tops his career high in receiving yards, but only barely. The defense is bottom three in the league again, and they just aren’t able to stay close in a lot of games. The only player on this team to make the All-Pro squad is their fullback.
Final record: 3-13, 7th in ASFC
San Jose SaberCats
Additions: OL Larry Jenkins, DE Alex Armstrong, CB Graham Harper, CB Brooks Piggott
Departures: OL Dane Johnson Jr., OL Panda McKyle, CB Cedric Wilkins II
Position changes: none
This feels like it’ll be the Silverbacks team of this season if I wanted to be a jerk. There’s not a ton to get hyped about here. They traded this year's first round pick to Orange County for a regressing receiver who hasn’t been active in two weeks. Their best offensive skill position player is a tight end that they’ve never been able to maximize the potential of. It’s just a rather distressing team to examine.
Owen Farrell gives me big “captain of the Titanic” energy. He’s a really strong player who’s max earning, and could be their starter for many more years to come, but he just doesn’t have any exciting weapons around him who won’t be unusable in a few years, aside from maybe Cornelius King III, but even then, his growth has been slow as molasses. Lord Farquaad might help their offense grow, but he’s still a year away from a call-up, so not yet he won’t, even still, he’s only one man.
The defense has a few strong pieces and was actually top three in passing yards allowed. It feels like a unit that’s growing into a strong corps, and might have to carry this team a little bit while it reloads on offensive firepower. I’m not sure if they have any other particular stat they excel at though, so don’t expect the ‘85 Bears to roll through those doors.
Predictions: For the first time in his career, Owen Farrell doesn’t clear 4,000 passing yards or 30 passing touchdowns. Deshawn Penne finally tops the 1000 receiving yard mark for the first time in his career, and comes close to leading the team in receiving yards. DeAndre King is still floating in that 700-900 rushing yard void. The defense cracks the top five in sacks, but is not very exciting elsewhere.
Final record: 6-10, 4th in ASFC
Sarasota Sailfish
Additions: TE Bastian Weichselbraun, OL Dane Johnson Jr., DE Ginand Toxic, LB Fronky Fresh
Departures: OL Zoltan, DT Lennay Kekua, CB Apollo Program
Position changes: none
This team is one that I think can make some serious noise this season. It’ll likely be their final season with Carter Knight at the helm, but the talent around this team is superb, and it’s a real shame that we didn’t get to see the Sailfish take on the Wraiths in the playoffs, as it seemed like they were one of the few teams that had their number.
Carter Knight is getting older, this I know. But he’s still 95-90-94 in arm strength, accuracy, and intelligence. That’ll work in my book. Plus, he still has three First-Team All-Pros from last season on the offense coming back in Nick Kaepercolin Jr., TE Lucius Salem, and OL Troy Barnes. Plus, Sconnie McSix and Pete Zuh who could be All-Pros this season, and last year’s Offensive Rookie of the Year in Johnny Blaze Jr. Who’s stopping that offense, I ask you, who?
Their defense, however, is starting to get a little long in the tooth as well. They still have three 1000+ TPE guys, but there's a lot of players who were drafted in the early-30s on this defense. They finished fourth in points allowed, and added two new rookies to the mix, so it’ll be interesting to see if they keep that pace going from last season.
Predictions: Carter Knight makes one more All-Pro team before he moves position at season’s end. Pete Zuh finishes top three in rushing yards, since he’ll be getting 100% of the workload in Sarasota. Sconnie McSix’s numbers are just a hair under what Nick Kaepercolin Jr. did last season. Lucius Salem puts up the best stats of any tight end who actually plays along the line. The defense regresses a little bit from last season, but not enough to lose them many games.
Final record: 13-3, 1st in NSFC (regular season champions)
Yellowknife Wraiths
Arrivals: TE Detective Crashmore, SS Gore Done Ram Say, DT Teddy Rhinoback
Departures: QB Adrian St. Christmas, WR Cliff Burton, CB Drazanor Blaze
Position changes: DT -> QB Absolute Unit, QB -> SS Gore Done Ram Say
Say hello to the league's even newier-est starting quarterback, Absolute Unit. He transferred to the position from defensive tackle, and that forces a lot of TPE to be banked. Even though he had about 1000 points earned, he’s sitting on about 400 of them, so functionally, he’ll probably be the worst quarterback in the league. Makes sense though, he’s a defensive tackle learning QB on the fly. But, if there was a time to try and ride with an inexperienced QB, this is it.
This is a team that has enough sheer talent on its books around it to be able to carry Unit through some rough patches. The best 1-2 punch at running back in the league. A super strong receiver in Calvin Spiff. A new tight end for him to grow with. Some of the best offensive linemen in the league. These guys could probably get to the playoffs with a fetus at quarterback.
And what’s that sound coming from over the horizon? Oh yea, it’s just the best defense of all time adding a couple of extra pieces to their very scary puzzle. Unit will not have to put up a ton of points in order for his team to win, provided the defense is even a fraction of how dominant they were last season.
Predictions: Unit is last in the league in passing attempts as he’s eased into this new role, but is still fairly efficient, if nothing else. In lieu of passing, Archipelago and Akinfenwa are both top 10 in rush attempts, and both top 1100 rushing yards, leading the league in team rushing yards by a mile. Spiff tops 1000 receiving yards again, but has the lowest yards per reception of his career so far, getting a career high in receptions in the process. Multiple players finish top 10 in both sacks and interceptions, and this defense is still top three in points allowed.
Final record: 11-5, 2nd in NSFC