04-11-2023, 07:03 AM
(This post was last modified: 04-11-2023, 02:45 PM by nickyvmlp. Edited 2 times in total.)
A long, long time ago, I wrote a piece where I made my own expansion draft. This was just after Sarasota and Honolulu got their franchises, and it was the most brutal expansion draft imaginable, with a massive amount of players protected from each team. And I did this to prove the viability of a 13th and 14th team. Sure enough, Berlin and New York would soon join the league, and were championship contenders before too long. Now, I feel as though we’re on the verge of needing another expansion draft to house all the new players entering the league after a huge S41 draft class with another one on the way, so let’s play this game again.
Here are the rules, virtually identical to last time. Each team is allowed to keep two quarterbacks, six offensive skill position players (RB, FB, WR, TE), twelve defensive players, and one specialist, although I’ll also add two offensive linemen, since that wasn’t addressed last time. This should hurt no team, as no one should be missing their fifth-string linebacker or seventh best pass catcher. Also, this will be done at my own discretion, based on level of activity, regression, role on the team, and a few other factors, but if you think they might do it differently, let me know in the comments. Let’s get these protected players on the board.
Arizona Outlaws: QBs Donovan Winters III, Wendell Sailor; RBs Danny Nedelko, Sherwin Blue Jr.; WRs Louis Blondin, Billy Stinkwater, Benji Aguilera, Don Tollibeo; OLs Fortified Fridge, Beeg Beeg Yoshi Jr.; DLs Raphael McTurtle, Sir Tywrell Xah'Aawrone, Logjammed McBobface; LBs Akaki Akayre, Leonardo McTurtle, Ignatius Reilly; CBs Spottie O'Dopaliscious, Outlaws Mode Sicko; SAFs NotSo Smart, Brian Vincent-Vega; K/P Jayme Jayne Jay-Jaymison
Austin Copperheads: QB Queen Elizabeth II; RBs Jeff Newman, Howard Coward, WR Zaphod Beeblebrox, Dolores Bickerman, Oliver Tolliver; TE Deshawn Penne; OLs Brandon Mason, Great Khali; DLs Joey Din, Carly Rae Jensen, Jean-Raphael Saberstein; LBs Spicy Ron, Tank McGibbons, Mario Moloka’i, Ryan Knock; CBs Draft Steal, Zamir Kehla Jr.; SAFs Geralt, Tobias Worthington III, Roma Amir-Kani; K/P Charlie Brown
Baltimore Hawks: QBs Preston Beatz, Rocky Franklin III; RBs Money Tolliver, Dante King; WRs Rocky Moreaux, Shane Turnbull, Jay Money; TE Penger Tolliver; OLs Bengal Tigerheart, Yummy HotDogPie; DLs Sledge Hammer, Mabel Pines, MC Hammer; LBs Bridge Burner, Bruce Buckley Jr., Walter Gunther; CBs Jake Williams, Casino Robin; SAFs Antoine Winfield Jr., Titty Juana, Bourtol Halcomsby, Quandale Dingle; K/P Mike Makmur
Berlin Fire Salamanders: QB Roque Santa Cruz; RB Armor Queen; WRs Zayne Dangle, Really Creative-Name, Emile Charles, Forozka Duanei; TE Nick Williams; OLs Melvin Harris, The Heavy; DLs Nathan Meagher, GOAT TANNK, Clint Mustache, Lucas Van Ness; LBs Kevin McThumper, Fred Edison, Jordan Hartline; CBs Charlie Thorsen, Tae Dawson, Johnny Delusional; SAFs L F.T, Diggs Sideline-Touchdown; K/P Known Acquaintance
Chicago Butchers: QBs Painted Penguin, Jake Jefferson, RBs Frank Dux, Lalu Muhammad Zohri; WRs Austin Morley, Jimmy Ryder, Plant Based; TE Walter McKinley; OL Theo AwardsSystemIsBad; DLs Joseph Reed, Xavier Valorian, Action Bronson, Faust Leercor; LBs Rumble Ronson, Brian Duke; CBs Quendyn Quarterstorm, Apollo Program, Bill Cravy; SAFs Rico Savage, Icepick O’Hullihan, Xavier Frost; K/P David Doug
Colorado Yeti: QBs Live Laughlove, Wolfie McDummy Jr.; RBs Ceti Pyxis, Malik Brooks; WRs Eeeeeeee phenssta, NCADV RAINN; TEs Mister Hogmally, Bong Stevens; OL Remi Musgrave-Smythe; DLs Savathun T. Witchqueen, Nathan Explosion, Aidan Hutchinson Jr.; LBs Waylen Greene, Grayson Yates, Craig Brand; CBs Anthony Stark, Cedric Wilkins II, Synyster Gates; SAFs Cross-Eriksen, Inspector Gadget, Mary Marie; K/P Orlando Doom
Cape Town Crash: QB Creg Jerrith IV; RBs Jarvis Harbinger-Marjin, Nakiri Ayame; WR Derrick Prince, Kairo Knight, Legs McMillion; TE American Boot; OLs Swantavius Payne, Justin Willis; DLs Christian Marciano, Udo E Beaty, Ryan Lawrence, Jason Steele, Rolud Onyxgut; LBs Barry Badman, Haloick Oasis; CBs Art Deco, Bageshwari Singh, Eric Belmont; SAFs Jasper Fontaine, Aleksandr Milescu; K/P Bob Kickerson
Honolulu Hahalua: QB Nova Montagne; RBs Bean Delphine Jr., Alita Battle Angel; WR Leek Mai-Heinous, Octavio Perez, Florida Man; TE Waluigi Gronkowski; OL Trent Silverback; DLs Liv Elsathelookout, Raya Ho’opa’i, Billy Jor-El, Lenny Longpipe; LB Caleb Hayden, Maxwell Jacob Friedman, Liath Squirrel, Monty Ward; CBs Seth Leavitt, Luigi Lanikai, Theo Lariat; SAF Matthew Fryars, K/P Ray Baker
New Orleans Second Line: QB Elessar Jones; RBs Kyle Crane, Jay Cue Jr.; WRs Ttolem Mada, PeePee Poop-Eater Sr., Dick Grayson, Eli Prince; OLs Franz Udo Culman-Kaiser, Beniri T’Chawama; DLs Charles Chapman, JR Frankenstero, Bruce White; LBs Solace Avenger, Carissa van Campen, Ganyu, Rodney Rosadino; CBs The Stig, De’Aaron Harper II, Ezra Azazel; SAFs chim rickles, Orpheus Czargyros; K/P Alfonso Dos Santos
New York Silverbacks: QB Blaine Falco; RBs Michaelangelo McTurtle, Michael Touchback; WRs Mandrews McHollywood, Matthew Mara, The Riddler, Sean Robinson; OLs Pan Cakes, Donatello McTurtle; DLs Lionel Scrimmage, James Batista, Dub Redd; LB Teemo Swift, Bay Webb, Donte Darius, Loose Cannon; CBs Dax Dangerfield, Bonzi Buddy, Brock Landers Jr., Bradley Welch Jr.; SAF Regina Ferraro; K/P Ian Cole III
Orange County Otters: QBs Adrian St. Christmas, Lloyd Bannings; RBs Leandre Diarra, Tyler One; WRs Thomas Robinson, Teenie Hodges; TEs Big McLarge Huge, Molki Koivu, OL Walrus Jones; DLs Johnson Lovehammer, Iosefa Fuamatu-Ma’afala, Good Player, twerky dingleberry; LBs Sim Sunigh, So-Much Jazz, John Stark VIII, Leo Stud; CBs Ace McAllister, Jamdrian LeBayers; SAFs Smokin Jay, Kyzir Washington; K/P Jeremy Crouse Jr.
Sarasota Sailfish: QB Willier Miller; RBs Pete Zuh, Eilliot Berry; WRs Johnny Blaze Jr., Nick Kaepercolin Jr., Artemis Entreri; TE Lucius Salem; OLs Dane Johnson Jr., Troy Barnes; DLs Harley Andrews, Ginand Toxic, Damarcus Cole; LBs Aqeel Steele, Fronky Fresh, Max Honestly, Justin Cloud; CBs King Zeus, Dip Dhillon; SAFs Spike Daniel, Rocky Rhoads, Demarius Cook; K/P Swantavius King
San Jose Sabercats: QB Owen Farrell; RBs C.G. Breezy, Lord Farquaads; WRs Sconnie McSix, President Camacho, Diego Lopez Alonso; TE Otto the Orange; OLs Larry Jenkins, Modest Mussorgsky; DLs Fat Jack, Alex Armstrong, Mike Scott, Jumbo Edward; LBs Ioe Torrent, Cruella de Ville, Kenny McCormick, DJ Maclean; CBs Brooks Piggott, Will Nightingale; SAFs Russet Buster, Ja’uan Holland; K/P Booter McGavin
Yellowknife Wraiths: QB Absolute Unit; RBs Kumquat Archipelago, Adebayo Akinfenwa; WRs Calvin Spiff, Orga Panda; TEs Detective Crashmore, Andrija Divac; OLs J.T. Kurbis, Dusty Wilson; DLs Daron Arnold, Mo Gago, Teddy Rhinoback; LBs Kahn Cussion, Zephyr GreyWolf, Toad Wananapaoa; CBs Kalam Mekhar, Simon The Frog, Kadarius Claypool II; SAFs Sam Sung, Gore Done Ram Say, Jay Spears; K/P Double Doink
(Don’t pay me for that part, that’s literally just the majority of the players in the league.)
Whew, that was a productive use of an entire workday’s worth of breaks. Turns out I actually am getting paid to do this. Now we just need to split up whoever’s left into two relatively balanced, and probably not very good teams. First up, the 15th ISFL team, the Mute City Blue Falcons. (All TPE totals account for this season’s worth of regression.)
QB: Kaguya Shinomiya (S33, 666 TPE, IA)
RB: Rab Thecrab (S35, 504 TPE, IA), Sticky Hands (S41, 269 TPE), Gucci Gurley (S39, 343 TPE)
WR: Erwin Kemp (S34, 718 TPE), Bernd D. Brot (S32, 602 TPE, IA), Mike Ehrmantraut (S40, 286 TPE)
TE: Kenny Szymborski (S41, 237 TPE, SA), Anthony Simmons II (S40, 224 TPE)
OL: Dennis Rodman (S36, 670 TPE), Pilot RedSun (S35, 404 TPE, IA)
DL: Emerson Quinn (S36, 395 TPE), Morpheus Czargyros (S31, 299 TPE, IA), Scruffy The Janitor (S41, 191 TPE)
LB: Joe Smokes (S33, 421 TPE, IA), Doc Fireball (S32, 383 TPE, IA), Sheriff Woody (S30, 200 TPE, IA), Terry Johnson (S41, 150 TPE, SA)
CB: Mark Goodhead (S31, 635 TPE, SA), Jason Oexius (S37, 413 TPE, IA)
SAF: Dee Walt (S30, 426 TPE), Mike Holiday (S40, 240 TPE), Pasta the Turtle (S32, 326 TPE, IA)
K/P: Wade Right (S41, 93 TPE, IA)
Kaguya Shinomiya is coming off the best season of his career, debatably in individual statistics, but undeniably in team success, helping to lead his Orange County Otters to an ASFC Championship appearance, before falling to the eventual champions in Arizona. With the team signing Adrian St. Christmas, the plan is probably to move him to a different position, like running back or wide receiver to finish out his career, but he could also move to Mute City, and be the quarterback that bridges a new team to their eventual first star quarterback, kinda like what Corvo Havran did for Honolulu back in the day.
Running back looks like a relatively set position for the Blue Falcons. Rab Thecrab is still a year away from regression, and can hold down the fort for a season, while splitting carries with their first big star of the future, Sticky Hands, a max earner who could be the centerpiece of their offense for years to come, while also being aided by Gucci Gurley, who’s beginning to come back into the fold.
Cape Town’s vast collection of offensive talent means that they end up losing out on not one, but two receivers. First off is Erwin Kemp, who just hit his first notch of regression. He’s been overtaken in the pecking order by Derrick Prince, and while hasn’t updated as much as some other wide receivers, he can still be a serviceable WR1. They also lose Mike Ehrmantraut to the Blue Falcons, and while he similarly has been a little start-stop with his production, he could end up producing in a larger role with a new team. They also nabbed Burnd D. Brot for a couple of seasons from Yellowknife, and even at his advanced age, he’s still more than capable of producing in this kind of offense.
The influx of young tight ends in the league is something that could greatly help both teams out. Both of them will be able to get two rookie or sophomore tight ends with at least 200 TPE each, that’s at least starting caliber. Kenny Szymoborski and Anthony Simmons II could both be pried away from their developmental roles into a more full time role in the Blue Falcons offense, especially if they stay active, which would likely see them get playing time over some higher ranking inactives.
Having strong offensive linemen is huge, but even more so if you could maybe convince them to change to a different position. Dennis Rodman is another player who has been in and out of the league, but he seems committed now, and could be a huge help to the Blue Falcons offense. Same for Pilot RedSun, although he won’t be around quite as long.
The defense for both teams is going to be a little bit sketchy. There aren’t quite enough spots on this team at the moment to fill them out with active players, but there are still a couple players worth talking about here. Emerson Quinn is coming back into the fold, and could play with renewed vigor, getting to play as the lead pass rusher. Mark Goodhead is the highest rated player on this defense, but has only a couple of years of active play left in him. Both of the safety spots are occupied by players with a pulse, and there’s even a defensive rookie they can add in Scruffy the Janitor. I’m not gonna say it's not bad, but it’s a team for sure. They even have a kicker in Wade Right.
Before we start discussing the future of that team, let’s run through its counterpart: the 16th ISFL team, the Cloudsdale Pegasi.
QB: Mathias Mayhem (S40, 363 TPE, SA)
RB: Zane Cold (S33, 695 TPE, IA), Henry Oswald-Newman (S38, 360 TPE), Ozamataz Buckshank (S34, 465 TPE, IA)
WR: Rockbot Rockbo (S36, 808 TPE, IA), Kotoni Staggs (S31, 468 TPE, IA), Branden Rojas (S39, 253 TPE, SA)
TE: Pegme Amidala (S40, 252 TPE), Burnt Toast (S41, 205 TPE, SA)
OL: Jimmy Holding (S36, 880 TPE), D'Nickashaw Mangoldson (S33, 562 TPE, IA)
DL: Mrs. Stacks McHits (S32, 410 TPE, IA), Arnie Rufus (S32, 273 TPE, IA), Frederick Carlson (S41, 152 TPE)
LB: Nick Flint (S33, 599 TPE, IA), dont draft (S30, 221 TPE, IA), King Dedede (S41, 164 TPE), Myrtle Beach Tolliver (S41, 124 TPE, IA)
CB: Cob Corning (S35, 738 TPE, IA), Raffaele Tommasi (S36, 425 TPE, IA), Bobby Steel (S40, 166 TPE, IA)
SAF: Tom Taylor (S34, 293 TPE, IA), Kaiden King (S36, 271 TPE, IA)
K/P: Patrick Cunningham (S36, 263 TPE, IA)
The Pegasi are starting younger with a quarterback with his entire career ahead of him. Mayhem might be tempted to change positions if he loses the future starting QB role to Lloyd Bannings after Adrian St. Christmas leaves next season, but he could also beat Bannings to the punch and get a starting role before him. (Also if Mayhem gets the starting job instead, just replace Mayhem with Bannings here.)
The rest of the offense doesn’t look quite as sexy as the one in Mute City, but there’s still a couple of pieces of interest here. Henry Oswald-Newman could find himself as the #1 running back here with a clear route to as many carries as he could handle, with inactives Zane Cold and Ozamataz Buckshank being the only people in his way. Although since he was playing in Honolulu, and his initials are HON, he may have to change his name to something like Charlie Davis-Parker. I dunno, I’m not drunk enough for this kind of thinking.
Three inactive, but honestly kinda decent receivers occupy their corps with Rockbot Rockbo, Kotoni Staggs, and Branden Rojas occupying the receiver spots. It’s not perfect, but it’s passable. Pegme Amidala and rookie Burnt Toast can be added to the receiver corps and give this team a bit of young star power. While along the offensive line, Jimmy Holding is the highest rated player to move teams and he’s still active. If the quarterback situation needs a fresh face, Holding might be the guy to make it happen.
As I said before, this defense is a little bit suspect, as almost every player here is out to lunch, but there’s still a couple of solid pieces here. Cob Corning is the highest rated defensive player in this exercise, and he, along with Raffaele Tommasi could anchor their secondary for a couple of seasons. Nick Flint and Stacks McHits are solid enough starters, and they also managed a couple more rookies in King Dedede and Frederick Carlson (brother of Carl Frederickson). They’d also added Patrick Cunningham at kicker, and honestly, that’s a decent kicker, although for this team, he’d be an absolute star.
So, after dividing up the cast-offs onto these rosters again, the question is, do I think this league is ready for another couple of teams? Honest answer: maybe. This isn’t how expansion drafts normally work. There’s typically a lot fewer protections that teams get, and in the real draft, there’s a chance that they’d get a lot more defensive players. But, honestly, looking at this team, I’m a little surprised. I did not expect to get two full, complete teams with a quarterback and a kicker and a couple of offensive linemen and everything. Hell, I might even say that these two teams might be better than the Honolulu team that went winless a couple of seasons ago. (And now that I said that my ass is 100% getting traded.)
Credit for 1654 words.
Here are the rules, virtually identical to last time. Each team is allowed to keep two quarterbacks, six offensive skill position players (RB, FB, WR, TE), twelve defensive players, and one specialist, although I’ll also add two offensive linemen, since that wasn’t addressed last time. This should hurt no team, as no one should be missing their fifth-string linebacker or seventh best pass catcher. Also, this will be done at my own discretion, based on level of activity, regression, role on the team, and a few other factors, but if you think they might do it differently, let me know in the comments. Let’s get these protected players on the board.
Arizona Outlaws: QBs Donovan Winters III, Wendell Sailor; RBs Danny Nedelko, Sherwin Blue Jr.; WRs Louis Blondin, Billy Stinkwater, Benji Aguilera, Don Tollibeo; OLs Fortified Fridge, Beeg Beeg Yoshi Jr.; DLs Raphael McTurtle, Sir Tywrell Xah'Aawrone, Logjammed McBobface; LBs Akaki Akayre, Leonardo McTurtle, Ignatius Reilly; CBs Spottie O'Dopaliscious, Outlaws Mode Sicko; SAFs NotSo Smart, Brian Vincent-Vega; K/P Jayme Jayne Jay-Jaymison
Austin Copperheads: QB Queen Elizabeth II; RBs Jeff Newman, Howard Coward, WR Zaphod Beeblebrox, Dolores Bickerman, Oliver Tolliver; TE Deshawn Penne; OLs Brandon Mason, Great Khali; DLs Joey Din, Carly Rae Jensen, Jean-Raphael Saberstein; LBs Spicy Ron, Tank McGibbons, Mario Moloka’i, Ryan Knock; CBs Draft Steal, Zamir Kehla Jr.; SAFs Geralt, Tobias Worthington III, Roma Amir-Kani; K/P Charlie Brown
Baltimore Hawks: QBs Preston Beatz, Rocky Franklin III; RBs Money Tolliver, Dante King; WRs Rocky Moreaux, Shane Turnbull, Jay Money; TE Penger Tolliver; OLs Bengal Tigerheart, Yummy HotDogPie; DLs Sledge Hammer, Mabel Pines, MC Hammer; LBs Bridge Burner, Bruce Buckley Jr., Walter Gunther; CBs Jake Williams, Casino Robin; SAFs Antoine Winfield Jr., Titty Juana, Bourtol Halcomsby, Quandale Dingle; K/P Mike Makmur
Berlin Fire Salamanders: QB Roque Santa Cruz; RB Armor Queen; WRs Zayne Dangle, Really Creative-Name, Emile Charles, Forozka Duanei; TE Nick Williams; OLs Melvin Harris, The Heavy; DLs Nathan Meagher, GOAT TANNK, Clint Mustache, Lucas Van Ness; LBs Kevin McThumper, Fred Edison, Jordan Hartline; CBs Charlie Thorsen, Tae Dawson, Johnny Delusional; SAFs L F.T, Diggs Sideline-Touchdown; K/P Known Acquaintance
Chicago Butchers: QBs Painted Penguin, Jake Jefferson, RBs Frank Dux, Lalu Muhammad Zohri; WRs Austin Morley, Jimmy Ryder, Plant Based; TE Walter McKinley; OL Theo AwardsSystemIsBad; DLs Joseph Reed, Xavier Valorian, Action Bronson, Faust Leercor; LBs Rumble Ronson, Brian Duke; CBs Quendyn Quarterstorm, Apollo Program, Bill Cravy; SAFs Rico Savage, Icepick O’Hullihan, Xavier Frost; K/P David Doug
Colorado Yeti: QBs Live Laughlove, Wolfie McDummy Jr.; RBs Ceti Pyxis, Malik Brooks; WRs Eeeeeeee phenssta, NCADV RAINN; TEs Mister Hogmally, Bong Stevens; OL Remi Musgrave-Smythe; DLs Savathun T. Witchqueen, Nathan Explosion, Aidan Hutchinson Jr.; LBs Waylen Greene, Grayson Yates, Craig Brand; CBs Anthony Stark, Cedric Wilkins II, Synyster Gates; SAFs Cross-Eriksen, Inspector Gadget, Mary Marie; K/P Orlando Doom
Cape Town Crash: QB Creg Jerrith IV; RBs Jarvis Harbinger-Marjin, Nakiri Ayame; WR Derrick Prince, Kairo Knight, Legs McMillion; TE American Boot; OLs Swantavius Payne, Justin Willis; DLs Christian Marciano, Udo E Beaty, Ryan Lawrence, Jason Steele, Rolud Onyxgut; LBs Barry Badman, Haloick Oasis; CBs Art Deco, Bageshwari Singh, Eric Belmont; SAFs Jasper Fontaine, Aleksandr Milescu; K/P Bob Kickerson
Honolulu Hahalua: QB Nova Montagne; RBs Bean Delphine Jr., Alita Battle Angel; WR Leek Mai-Heinous, Octavio Perez, Florida Man; TE Waluigi Gronkowski; OL Trent Silverback; DLs Liv Elsathelookout, Raya Ho’opa’i, Billy Jor-El, Lenny Longpipe; LB Caleb Hayden, Maxwell Jacob Friedman, Liath Squirrel, Monty Ward; CBs Seth Leavitt, Luigi Lanikai, Theo Lariat; SAF Matthew Fryars, K/P Ray Baker
New Orleans Second Line: QB Elessar Jones; RBs Kyle Crane, Jay Cue Jr.; WRs Ttolem Mada, PeePee Poop-Eater Sr., Dick Grayson, Eli Prince; OLs Franz Udo Culman-Kaiser, Beniri T’Chawama; DLs Charles Chapman, JR Frankenstero, Bruce White; LBs Solace Avenger, Carissa van Campen, Ganyu, Rodney Rosadino; CBs The Stig, De’Aaron Harper II, Ezra Azazel; SAFs chim rickles, Orpheus Czargyros; K/P Alfonso Dos Santos
New York Silverbacks: QB Blaine Falco; RBs Michaelangelo McTurtle, Michael Touchback; WRs Mandrews McHollywood, Matthew Mara, The Riddler, Sean Robinson; OLs Pan Cakes, Donatello McTurtle; DLs Lionel Scrimmage, James Batista, Dub Redd; LB Teemo Swift, Bay Webb, Donte Darius, Loose Cannon; CBs Dax Dangerfield, Bonzi Buddy, Brock Landers Jr., Bradley Welch Jr.; SAF Regina Ferraro; K/P Ian Cole III
Orange County Otters: QBs Adrian St. Christmas, Lloyd Bannings; RBs Leandre Diarra, Tyler One; WRs Thomas Robinson, Teenie Hodges; TEs Big McLarge Huge, Molki Koivu, OL Walrus Jones; DLs Johnson Lovehammer, Iosefa Fuamatu-Ma’afala, Good Player, twerky dingleberry; LBs Sim Sunigh, So-Much Jazz, John Stark VIII, Leo Stud; CBs Ace McAllister, Jamdrian LeBayers; SAFs Smokin Jay, Kyzir Washington; K/P Jeremy Crouse Jr.
Sarasota Sailfish: QB Willier Miller; RBs Pete Zuh, Eilliot Berry; WRs Johnny Blaze Jr., Nick Kaepercolin Jr., Artemis Entreri; TE Lucius Salem; OLs Dane Johnson Jr., Troy Barnes; DLs Harley Andrews, Ginand Toxic, Damarcus Cole; LBs Aqeel Steele, Fronky Fresh, Max Honestly, Justin Cloud; CBs King Zeus, Dip Dhillon; SAFs Spike Daniel, Rocky Rhoads, Demarius Cook; K/P Swantavius King
San Jose Sabercats: QB Owen Farrell; RBs C.G. Breezy, Lord Farquaads; WRs Sconnie McSix, President Camacho, Diego Lopez Alonso; TE Otto the Orange; OLs Larry Jenkins, Modest Mussorgsky; DLs Fat Jack, Alex Armstrong, Mike Scott, Jumbo Edward; LBs Ioe Torrent, Cruella de Ville, Kenny McCormick, DJ Maclean; CBs Brooks Piggott, Will Nightingale; SAFs Russet Buster, Ja’uan Holland; K/P Booter McGavin
Yellowknife Wraiths: QB Absolute Unit; RBs Kumquat Archipelago, Adebayo Akinfenwa; WRs Calvin Spiff, Orga Panda; TEs Detective Crashmore, Andrija Divac; OLs J.T. Kurbis, Dusty Wilson; DLs Daron Arnold, Mo Gago, Teddy Rhinoback; LBs Kahn Cussion, Zephyr GreyWolf, Toad Wananapaoa; CBs Kalam Mekhar, Simon The Frog, Kadarius Claypool II; SAFs Sam Sung, Gore Done Ram Say, Jay Spears; K/P Double Doink
(Don’t pay me for that part, that’s literally just the majority of the players in the league.)
Whew, that was a productive use of an entire workday’s worth of breaks. Turns out I actually am getting paid to do this. Now we just need to split up whoever’s left into two relatively balanced, and probably not very good teams. First up, the 15th ISFL team, the Mute City Blue Falcons. (All TPE totals account for this season’s worth of regression.)
QB: Kaguya Shinomiya (S33, 666 TPE, IA)
RB: Rab Thecrab (S35, 504 TPE, IA), Sticky Hands (S41, 269 TPE), Gucci Gurley (S39, 343 TPE)
WR: Erwin Kemp (S34, 718 TPE), Bernd D. Brot (S32, 602 TPE, IA), Mike Ehrmantraut (S40, 286 TPE)
TE: Kenny Szymborski (S41, 237 TPE, SA), Anthony Simmons II (S40, 224 TPE)
OL: Dennis Rodman (S36, 670 TPE), Pilot RedSun (S35, 404 TPE, IA)
DL: Emerson Quinn (S36, 395 TPE), Morpheus Czargyros (S31, 299 TPE, IA), Scruffy The Janitor (S41, 191 TPE)
LB: Joe Smokes (S33, 421 TPE, IA), Doc Fireball (S32, 383 TPE, IA), Sheriff Woody (S30, 200 TPE, IA), Terry Johnson (S41, 150 TPE, SA)
CB: Mark Goodhead (S31, 635 TPE, SA), Jason Oexius (S37, 413 TPE, IA)
SAF: Dee Walt (S30, 426 TPE), Mike Holiday (S40, 240 TPE), Pasta the Turtle (S32, 326 TPE, IA)
K/P: Wade Right (S41, 93 TPE, IA)
Kaguya Shinomiya is coming off the best season of his career, debatably in individual statistics, but undeniably in team success, helping to lead his Orange County Otters to an ASFC Championship appearance, before falling to the eventual champions in Arizona. With the team signing Adrian St. Christmas, the plan is probably to move him to a different position, like running back or wide receiver to finish out his career, but he could also move to Mute City, and be the quarterback that bridges a new team to their eventual first star quarterback, kinda like what Corvo Havran did for Honolulu back in the day.
Running back looks like a relatively set position for the Blue Falcons. Rab Thecrab is still a year away from regression, and can hold down the fort for a season, while splitting carries with their first big star of the future, Sticky Hands, a max earner who could be the centerpiece of their offense for years to come, while also being aided by Gucci Gurley, who’s beginning to come back into the fold.
Cape Town’s vast collection of offensive talent means that they end up losing out on not one, but two receivers. First off is Erwin Kemp, who just hit his first notch of regression. He’s been overtaken in the pecking order by Derrick Prince, and while hasn’t updated as much as some other wide receivers, he can still be a serviceable WR1. They also lose Mike Ehrmantraut to the Blue Falcons, and while he similarly has been a little start-stop with his production, he could end up producing in a larger role with a new team. They also nabbed Burnd D. Brot for a couple of seasons from Yellowknife, and even at his advanced age, he’s still more than capable of producing in this kind of offense.
The influx of young tight ends in the league is something that could greatly help both teams out. Both of them will be able to get two rookie or sophomore tight ends with at least 200 TPE each, that’s at least starting caliber. Kenny Szymoborski and Anthony Simmons II could both be pried away from their developmental roles into a more full time role in the Blue Falcons offense, especially if they stay active, which would likely see them get playing time over some higher ranking inactives.
Having strong offensive linemen is huge, but even more so if you could maybe convince them to change to a different position. Dennis Rodman is another player who has been in and out of the league, but he seems committed now, and could be a huge help to the Blue Falcons offense. Same for Pilot RedSun, although he won’t be around quite as long.
The defense for both teams is going to be a little bit sketchy. There aren’t quite enough spots on this team at the moment to fill them out with active players, but there are still a couple players worth talking about here. Emerson Quinn is coming back into the fold, and could play with renewed vigor, getting to play as the lead pass rusher. Mark Goodhead is the highest rated player on this defense, but has only a couple of years of active play left in him. Both of the safety spots are occupied by players with a pulse, and there’s even a defensive rookie they can add in Scruffy the Janitor. I’m not gonna say it's not bad, but it’s a team for sure. They even have a kicker in Wade Right.
Before we start discussing the future of that team, let’s run through its counterpart: the 16th ISFL team, the Cloudsdale Pegasi.
QB: Mathias Mayhem (S40, 363 TPE, SA)
RB: Zane Cold (S33, 695 TPE, IA), Henry Oswald-Newman (S38, 360 TPE), Ozamataz Buckshank (S34, 465 TPE, IA)
WR: Rockbot Rockbo (S36, 808 TPE, IA), Kotoni Staggs (S31, 468 TPE, IA), Branden Rojas (S39, 253 TPE, SA)
TE: Pegme Amidala (S40, 252 TPE), Burnt Toast (S41, 205 TPE, SA)
OL: Jimmy Holding (S36, 880 TPE), D'Nickashaw Mangoldson (S33, 562 TPE, IA)
DL: Mrs. Stacks McHits (S32, 410 TPE, IA), Arnie Rufus (S32, 273 TPE, IA), Frederick Carlson (S41, 152 TPE)
LB: Nick Flint (S33, 599 TPE, IA), dont draft (S30, 221 TPE, IA), King Dedede (S41, 164 TPE), Myrtle Beach Tolliver (S41, 124 TPE, IA)
CB: Cob Corning (S35, 738 TPE, IA), Raffaele Tommasi (S36, 425 TPE, IA), Bobby Steel (S40, 166 TPE, IA)
SAF: Tom Taylor (S34, 293 TPE, IA), Kaiden King (S36, 271 TPE, IA)
K/P: Patrick Cunningham (S36, 263 TPE, IA)
The Pegasi are starting younger with a quarterback with his entire career ahead of him. Mayhem might be tempted to change positions if he loses the future starting QB role to Lloyd Bannings after Adrian St. Christmas leaves next season, but he could also beat Bannings to the punch and get a starting role before him. (Also if Mayhem gets the starting job instead, just replace Mayhem with Bannings here.)
The rest of the offense doesn’t look quite as sexy as the one in Mute City, but there’s still a couple of pieces of interest here. Henry Oswald-Newman could find himself as the #1 running back here with a clear route to as many carries as he could handle, with inactives Zane Cold and Ozamataz Buckshank being the only people in his way. Although since he was playing in Honolulu, and his initials are HON, he may have to change his name to something like Charlie Davis-Parker. I dunno, I’m not drunk enough for this kind of thinking.
Three inactive, but honestly kinda decent receivers occupy their corps with Rockbot Rockbo, Kotoni Staggs, and Branden Rojas occupying the receiver spots. It’s not perfect, but it’s passable. Pegme Amidala and rookie Burnt Toast can be added to the receiver corps and give this team a bit of young star power. While along the offensive line, Jimmy Holding is the highest rated player to move teams and he’s still active. If the quarterback situation needs a fresh face, Holding might be the guy to make it happen.
As I said before, this defense is a little bit suspect, as almost every player here is out to lunch, but there’s still a couple of solid pieces here. Cob Corning is the highest rated defensive player in this exercise, and he, along with Raffaele Tommasi could anchor their secondary for a couple of seasons. Nick Flint and Stacks McHits are solid enough starters, and they also managed a couple more rookies in King Dedede and Frederick Carlson (brother of Carl Frederickson). They’d also added Patrick Cunningham at kicker, and honestly, that’s a decent kicker, although for this team, he’d be an absolute star.
So, after dividing up the cast-offs onto these rosters again, the question is, do I think this league is ready for another couple of teams? Honest answer: maybe. This isn’t how expansion drafts normally work. There’s typically a lot fewer protections that teams get, and in the real draft, there’s a chance that they’d get a lot more defensive players. But, honestly, looking at this team, I’m a little surprised. I did not expect to get two full, complete teams with a quarterback and a kicker and a couple of offensive linemen and everything. Hell, I might even say that these two teams might be better than the Honolulu team that went winless a couple of seasons ago. (And now that I said that my ass is 100% getting traded.)
Credit for 1654 words.