07-10-2023, 10:33 PM
(This post was last modified: 07-17-2023, 02:24 PM by Ajax. Edited 1 time in total.)
I am broke, I need money. (I deadass have $100k left lmfao), so this is a great opportunity to earn some moolah. I thought about writing a mini pre summary / introduction but I have zero plan nor idea as to how I am going to structure this. I really do not even know how long this might be but here we go. The Life of Not Edd.
We start this ever-so long journey in the infamous crib of Big Edd. The Edd residence was a hectic one, but one riddled with football. They were a football family through and through. Edd Sr., whose name is still not known to the public (I did not give him a name yet, maybe come back to this later), was a star play. Never mind I found it lmao, its Bigg. A native of Pittsburgh, Not Edd grew up as one of three children in a working-class family in the city's Banana neighborhood. His father Bigg, whose football career ended due to a patellar fracture suffered while playing at Norfolk State, introduced Not Edd to strength training when he was 12, seeking to provide more structure in his son's life. Edd himself would later admit that he was "lazy as a kid". By age 14, he and his father woke up at 4:30 am and almost immediately proceeded to work out for nearly two hours in the basement gym that Bigg installed in the family home. Big Edd and Not Edd trained relentlessly everyday to achieve their goal. While, they both did the same training and workouts, it was Big Edd who always got the love and outshined his younger bro Not Edd. They both started at defensive tackle but Big Edd exponential growth and size helped him push his brother out of the spotlight. This, as you probably have guessed, was the beginning of Not Edd’s villain arc.
Chapter 1: The Beginning
It was not always easy for the Edd’s. Growing up in the Hill District of Pittsburgh, gang and gun violence was always prevalent. Walks home from practice and school were typically met with a sprint home to escape any gang-related activities. Bigg made sure he did his best to keep his kids out of trouble. Days back then we not too funny for the Edd’s, as it was too dangerous to go outside their crib beyond school, practice, and the occasional grocery trip. To keep himself busy, Big Edd would watch lots of film and football highlights with his dad. Not Edd, on the other hand, was not like the other two. His passion for football was not the most genuine, and to be honest, it was only because of his brother and father that was he rocking with the pigskin. His greater passion developed from being at the library one day when he picked up a book called “Coding for Dummies”. The book opened the world to Not Edd’s curious brain. He stuffed his nose in that book like it was a line of snow and never took it out. He spent hours and hours every day after school learning how to program for fun. Some days, he would skip football practice to work on projects. Growing up as a computer nerd in a household full of meatheads ready to tackle you everyday did not allow Not Edd to fully reach his potential as a programmer. He would exclaim to his dad that he did not want to play football in middle school. This was not met with the greatest of welcomes from Bigg. Bigg would proceed to take Not Edd’s computer and library card. “What hot chick is going to marry some lousy, nerdy, computer dude Not Edd! Get your ass on the field, we all know the shorties only want the football guys.” Not Edd was in disbelief that his own father would shutdown his personal dreams and aspirations for such crazy reasons, but he had no choice but to abide.
Big Edd was definitely the biggest one in the family, while Not Edd was more ‘scrawny’ from skipping all those practices and weight training. This created an issue for Not Edd when the 6th grade football tryouts came around. THe two brothers would go and attend their first organized football tryouts of their life. As we all know, the naturally gifted speed demon Big Edd breezed through the tryouts and immediately caught the eyes of his teammates, coaches, and even the cheerleaders. Not Edd, who had spent all year infront of a computer screen, could barely run a 30-minute mile. Not edd did not make the team as a result and had to sit out the entire year of 6th grade ashamed and embarrassed. WHile Big Edd was getting more of the fame, Not Edd was too sad and would spend that year crying. One day, on family trip to Los Angeles, Not Edd would cross paths with Lebron James, our glorious king. Lebron had just finished a press conference about the upcoming Los Angeles Lakers and was walking around with his family. The beautiful savannah james was able to take a picture of the Edds and The James family. Not Edd went up and dapped up the boy LeSperm also known as Bronny. They chopped it up about life and what not. They discussed Adin Ross and how much of a dumbass he is. What I forgot to mention was that the Edds were also hoopers on the side. I do not know how they had enough time for everything but they managed to do it all. Edd and Bronny would continue to discuss Bronny’s basketball career and how that was going. Bronny would go on to say that he was super excited and ready to go play basketball at the university of southern california. Crazy enough he was going to be the first james to commit to a 4 year fully accredited university. The red and yellow was did it for Bronny. He could not see himself rocking blue and white at duke or kentucky for four years. That was also a secret Bronny told Not Edd, he was not going one and done but wanted to enjoy the college life and stay in los angeles for a few years. THis really caught not edd’s attention as he was a couple years away from even beginning to think about college. Growing up in Pittsburgh, all he knew was the university of Pitt. Him and his brother bother dreamt. USC was something he had never really heard of and so he kept asking Bronny a gazillion more questions about the school. Eventually Bronny got the idea of inviting Not Edd on a visit to the USC campus as it was only a 10 minute drive from the staples center. Demar, oj, lincoln, caleb. Eventually Edd and Bronny would arrive on campus. While touring around, they crossed paths with Demar Derozan, OJ Simpson, the goated Caleb Wiliams, and most notably THE Lincoln Riley. Starstruck, Edd felt like he was ready to commit that day.
Chapter 2: Trials and Triumphs
Edd’s skills catch the attention of a random scout, leading him to join a renowned football school. In this chapter, we witness his struggles to adapt to the intense training regime and fierce competition. However, Edd’s perseverance and natural talent help him shine on the field, earning him accolades and establishing him as a rising star.
With the USC visit in mind, Not Edd would go back home to Pittsburgh with a new motivation and feeling rejuvenated. He would immediately his the weight room and would continue to do so everyday for the rest of his life. Not Edd was still the savvy technical mind that was mentioned before. Even though, he wasn’t the strongest or the fastest person ever, boy was he smart. He knew the X’s and O’s better than we know the back of our hands. With all the new time on his hands without programming and his computer, Not Edd’s nose was stuffed in a new book, the team’s playbook. He analyzed, read, memorized, and did just about everything you could do to the book. It was like a whole different world they way different plays and coverages counteracted. Even Bigg and Big were amazed at this new Not Edd. 7th grade rolled around and this go around, Not Edd was prepared to make the team and blow up any past expectations that were set on him, and that he did. Tryouts were a success, as the next week Not Edd was ecstatic to see his name on that roster. Despite excelling at the X’s and O’s of the sport, he was most definitely not the most active on the field. Struggling to run an 8 second 40, the coaches were forced to put him at the QB3 spot. THis did not bring Edd down however. This was only the beginning of something he knew was going to be special. For the next few seasons in middle school, despite never sniffing a rep on the field, Not Edd was able to use his smarts and playbook knowledge to assist the coaching staff to back to back championships, led by the DPOTY Big Edd of course. What wasnt mentioned was with the lack of on field reps, Edd was still eating and lifting weight. Now reaching an outstanding six foot two and crazily enough six hundred pounds of muscle. He was finally starting to shape out into another Edd. This came just in time as one day on the way to the gym with his brother, he crossed paths with a mysterious glorious man was a beard in a trenchcoat. The man would not reveal who he was but he was able to recognize the power and potential the two Edd brothers possessed. He invited them to attend the prestigious Banana High School where only the best of the best up and coming high school football prospects attend. And so Not Edd’s plan had been put into motion.
And so it began, summer practices were just about getting started. Not Edd, despite being 300 pounds was still under the assumption that he would be playing QB still. That was until Coach G brought him to the side and had the talk of a lifetime with him. Edd did not want to switch positions. The QUarterback was all he had known and all he had wanted. It made him feel needed and made him feel important. Coach explained to edd how the position of offensive lineman was one that was much underappreciated but never undervalued. The key to success at the highest level was to have an established oline that could protect whomever was throwing the rock or running between the numbers. A good oline could quite literally lead a team anywhere. And so Edd began this new training regime to become the new starting Left tackle for Banana High school. The easy part was knowing the plays and what the different cadences were for edd. Unfortunately, this was only the beginning of what would be some of the toughest practices and exercise edd had ever experienced.
And now we take a turn and flip this into a Big Edd career story.
Big Edd awaited the day that he would get the opportunity to hear his name called on draft night. That day came to reality when the Dallas Birddogs chose to select Edd in the S21 draft with pick number 155. That pick, along with a few others, was received in a trade that was not thought about too much at the time. Although, Edd surged into the spotlight numbers that no other defensive tackle could keep up with. Edd made his debut in the DSFL in a game against the other fellow expansion team. Despite the disappointing loss, Edd claimed that "[he] and the and Dallas Birddogs were just getting started. The league better prepare for the Birddog wraith." Edd kept his promise as he continued to post great numbers. It was not until Week 6 that Edd would finally get his first name. Subsequently, in a Week 9 matchup against the Minnesota Greyducks, Edd bull-rushed his way passed the offensive guard and sacked the opposing quarterback for safety ultimately clinching the game and getting one game closer to the playoffs. Edd and the Birddogs felt they were on top of the world as they controlled their destiny going into a tough Week 11 matchup with the Kansas City Coyotes. A win in Kansas City would pretty seal the deal on clinching a playoff spot. Unfortunately, things did not go as planned and Big Edd and the Dallas Birddogs were unable to win a single game. They finished the season on a four game losing streak and as a result failed to clinch a playoff spot.
With the 22nd pick in the S21 NSFL Draft, the Orange County Otters selected Big Ed. When Big Ed joined his NSFL, he was considered one of the most underrepresented players in this powerful class. Big Ed was selected as the fifth-ranked defensive tackle, one of the few picks over teammate Deshun Jones, the sixth-ranked defensive tackle. Ed was content to continue destroying offensive linemen and quarterbacks with his old friend Deshun. Big Ed's NSFL career got off to a slow start. He failed to achieve the same numbers as his rookie year in the DSFL. But it wasn't just Ed's fault. Though he was just a tiny dot in Orange County's top-level defense, Ed was patient and continued to work to improve his game. As Big Ed got better, so did Otters, who seemed even better than before. This OCO defense will rank as the top defense for most of the season. Once the offense started to slow down, the defense picked up the pace and nearly won. Big Edd ignited the fire towards the end of the year and helped OCO secure the #1 spot. So did they secure first place with a 10-3 record? Ed and Otters continued his ASFC Championship win streak. Statistically, Big Ed surpassed his career best in the TFL five times (6) and sacks (4) once. It wasn't a Pro Bowl-level season, but it proved to be exactly what the OCO defense needed. He set the Eero stat in Ed's first playoff game against the Austin Copperheads, but the Otters ended up dropping a 50 Burger against the Copperheads. At the Ultimus, the OCO took a 21-3 lead on him, but unfortunately, a gamble robbed him of the lead and Ed's first Ultimus lost his game.
The offseason following the S22 Ultimus Choke was long for Big Ed and Otters. Teammates were upset, coaches were disappointed, and Ed started playing Madden. He trained every day on his Xbox to perfect his sack technique. Ed tells me: He said, “I was playing about 27 hours a day. But that silly (expletive) loss wasn't my fault (laughs). If we're serious, it's everyone else's fault. Ed always fails to give us a pretty interesting interview, and when the media smelled his remarks, the media went up in flames. Articles and tweets like Orange County issue "Is Big Edd." and "Orange County crybaby and fat" flew left and right. If you knew about Ed, you wouldn't notice it. He loves being the center of attention and is well suited for situations like this. Ed continued to work with the Otters during the turbulent offseason. His 23rd season was to be his last in the National Simulation League. The Commissioner decided it was time to reach out to his international friends as well. Ed and Otters made sure to let the league know they had unresolved issues from the previous season. They came out full throttle, leading the league with a 3-0 record and topping every standings. Big Ed was starting to make a name for himself, recording sacks in every defensive tackle all season and grabbing the attention of the league. All these hours spent with Madden ultimately paid off, helping Ed put in some great performances and ultimately earn Defensive Tackle of the Year honors. The Otters rode the momentum and finished the game with a better record (11-5) than last year. After attacking the outlaws, the otters encountered the Copperheads. Orange County were big favorites and I didn't want to disappoint. Everything went according to plan, and the Otters he entered the 4th quarter with a 19-14 lead. Then a bang. The curse strikes again... another bites the dust. Armstrong throws the pick 6 to start a surprise comeback for the Copperheads. It was incredible in my last game as Otter. All the hard work and effort throughout the season was in vain. When asked about his offseason plans, Ed replied, "A hot dog is a hot dog, not a sandwich," removing Otters from his Twitter profile and unfollowing all of his teammates. . Days later, ESPN and CBS reported that DTOTY and the Pro Bowler had asked for a trade after another dismal end. This rumor was not taken seriously until Ed announced that he had been traded to Srasota Saylsif. It looks like the Big Ed curse isn't over yet with the Otters. Because they haven't made it to the end since Ed arrived...
A new beginning for Big Ed begins in the beautiful city of Sarasota, Florida. Like Sailfsih, the relatively new expansion team was still in its second or third season. Ed seemed to like it because not only did he get to wear a green and blue dripping leotard, but he also got to hang out with Tori-Dog's old friend Mango Panda. Alongside Booger McFarland and Frost, the duo was ready to headline SAilfsih. In an interview with FOX Sports, Ed was asked how he was preparing for the summer and whether the pressure was too much for DTOTY last year. Ed laughs and says, "Are you serious?" You don't seem to know me yet. I just keep doing what I do at Madden. Keep it up [swear words] and stay focused on the game. of course. It's not broken. why repair? am i right What about pressure? it's nothing. I live with this pressure, and I let the haters shut up and start over... what is he saying? The pressure is a diamond or something, but yes, I'm ready." Ed later told reporters that he has dreams of winning next season and DTOTY, but anything will happen. No one paid attention and didn't think Ed was just making a meme or something. The ISFL media didn't seem to respect what Ed and Sailfish had to say about their league performance. One day, Edd got his team together and demanded that every tweet, every article, everything be used as bulletin material. Whatever he said at the team briefing, there must be some magic there. When Sarasota opens the season with a six-game winning streak, it will shock everyone and their mothers. Ed named him King Big Madus because everything he touched or played with seemed to turn to gold. Both teams showed game ins and game outs as Banks II moved up in his MVP race and Ed re-emerged in his DTOTY race. He broke the Sachs franchise record (13) and would break many personal records as well. Sarasota advanced to the playoffs with a score of 12-4 and also made it to the home game for the first time. With Big Ed and Fish eyeing the trophy, they would cap off the Butchers' winning season in the wild card round. They faced the daunting task of facing the Yeti, but Ed was unafraid. He made sure he and his team were on track and put up a great fight. The fourth round ended in a 17-point draw. The Yeti quickly got on their horses and scored another touchdown, with Sairufushi scoring a field goal with 10 minutes remaining. They failed at the Yeti 35, finishing 4th and he failed to score a 2nd place finish. Don't worry, the defense was strong and retrieving the ball... only Sailfish failed to convert yet another fourth short ball on the Yeti 16. No one gave a post-game interview when Ed made his way to the locker room after this season's disappointing final against HSI. But with the DTOTY honors now on his way, he was poised to take revenge again by a narrow margin, so he kept his hopes up for next season. The curse, also known as "Captain don't save the hoe", is back.
Big Ed is now a veteran and has become a fairly well-known player within the league. Some call him "Big Edward", others "Mr. Back2Back". To everyone's surprise, Ed didn't seem particularly sad after the playoff loss, telling an NBC reporter, "Losing makes us stronger. I have to. To be honest, I'm just happy." If you win another award, yes. But this year I feel like I'm looking forward to doing it again with sailfish...we'll be visiting a little later this season. Unlike Season 24, the Sailfish didn't catch fire. They froze like stinky tuna and sardines. Frustration mounted, and tension mounted in the dressing room. Sarasota started Week 8 2-5 with a mix of pointing and roasting. For the first time since the DSFL, Ed was part of a losing team. But he paid no heed to it, got better and better, and stayed focused until someone stole his Doritos at a team dinner. Potato chips were nowhere to be seen, and it should go without saying that no one would touch BIG EDDS FOOD. And that's exactly what happened, and it got incredibly bad. Ed began a fistfight, exchanging punches with GM Frost. As a towering, extremely strong, and athletic athlete, Ed Frost wowed his mind. He grabbed Frost and dragged Randy Orton into an RKO, eventually putting Frost to sleep. The room was silent. Ed staggered in front of the room, writing on a chalkboard in large red letters, "Trade with me, or trade with others." Media and paparazzi flocked to him wherever he went. Each time he was asked the same question, he told them he was Big Ed and no one would interfere with him and his favorite chips. After that, Ed signed his first branding deal with his Jordans, released his own shoes, and became his partner in the ISFL's first Jordans. The shoes he made were so fresh and drippingly clean that he dubbed them "Freshy Fresh One's" with the tagline, "Brought life to Frost (laughs)." A week later, after another double-sack match, Ed had his coach change channels to confirm that he was finally handed over to Honolulu Hahalua at an ISFL sports show. Finally he was free and were you excited? Not only was he able to live in Hawaii, but he was also able to work with the old GM from Dallas, Gucci. Ed then recorded another 13 sacks, made it to the Pro Bowl, and closed out a frenetic season with a third straight DTOTY loss. Undaunted, he sat and watched another sailfish season fail hysterically. The usual pattern of Big Ed's curse of waiting until the end to ensure his curse hurt even more happened again. Sarasota won nine games after the Ed trade, finished 11-5, and is in the hunt for the trophy again. However, after beating the Butches the previous season, the sailfish embarrassed themselves at home and were eliminated in the first round of the playoffs. When Ed was asked what he thought of this ending, he simply grinned and bent all his money and Gucci chains.
Ed's time in Honolulu was very short. He was still on his three-year, $5 million deal, but he hadn't even stepped into free agency. He was terribly bored with the people of Hahalua and frankly found them strange. The locker room was nearly empty and the Honolulu team lacked passion, vision and aggression. Apparently they were used to losing, which annoyed Ed. He was used to winning, he wasn't a loser, and he wasn't going to let the media portray himself that way. He did what everyone expected him to do, and with all due respect he asked for an off-season replacement. He spent much of his time swimming and fishing in the warm waters of Hawaii. Ed's continued success and world-famous reputation have landed him in a massive $500 million deal over the next 10 years with Bare Jordan. Ed immediately took to Twitter to let everyone know: "Bare Jordan - Mom, go for it, we did it!!" The future is here for me - Bare Jordan Athlete." Whether he knew about it or not, Ed predicted many great things were about to happen. Doritos heard what happened to him at the Sarasota Conference and provided him with all the Dorito Chips he wanted in his lifetime. Pixar contacted Ed later that week and asked him to star in their new movie, Big Edd The GOAT. He's drowned in every imaginable amount of money and mess. He beat every club. His life was going well and everything was going uphill until he drunkenly tweeted something crazy. Apparently candy corn is the top three candies, and if anyone disagrees, they can smoke that [bad word]. Well, I don't know if it was because of the curse or just because of his stupidity, but then Bear Jordan terminated Ed's contract and ended all ties with his name. What a sin! He used to play DTOTY twice and had more money than the Cameroon nation, reaching $5 million for a struggling DT. Things don't look too good for Ed in the ISFl either, nobody seems to want to trade him for his antics and he'll be playing for Hahalua again soon. Luckily for him, he was told that a team that had already beaten him twice at Ultimus would trade him. Ed will get a chance to tell everyone that he is still a DTOTY Pro Bowler and deserves to be on a winning team. As for Honolulu, they stink, but it really stinks. A curse may have left them bound for eternity. Because they will never make it to the playoffs.
Colorado Yeti, actually why Ed doesn't wear a ring on his finger. This move felt like Ed joining the Dark Side. It's like Kevin Durant's team-level change. "If you can't beat them, join them." Nonetheless, Ed left everything behind and was excited to meet his new teammates. The Yeti unfortunately lost 9-7 to the Sabercats, led by Jamar Luxon, aka Mr. F-Speed. So Ed and his new teammate soon had one thing in common.
Revenge Tour S26. Ed met a former Bird Dog teammate named William Lim, which was also cool. Once again, things were looking good for Ed, and all pointed to another onslaught of the Yeti. Ed and Yeti had a pretty rocky 2-2 lead with a rookie quarterback. But it's okay, he was still a beginner, so everything went as usual. Statistically, Ed had his worst performance since his rookie season. Instead of working in the off-season and playing Madden, I worked in clubs and played with fish in the Hawaiian waters. Lack of work appeared on the field and Ed got a little annoyed, but all was well once the Yeti spotted footsteps and started clicking. A four-game winning streak, including several bug games by Ed, lifted the Yeti to the top of the league with a 7-4 record, just a few wins away from qualifying for the playoffs. Now it seems that Big Ed's curse has hit the Yeti and himself. Ed didn't fire another quarterback since his 7-4 record, so he lost by friendly fire. In fact, he wasn't even nominated for DTOTY for the first time, and didn't even make it to the Pro Bowl. That didn't happen at DSFL either. Ed decided to launch his rapping career instead of going to the lab like he used to. Big Schmoney Edd, his rapper name, began releasing more songs than sax, including his most famous "Frost Sux lmao," which was streamed over 6 million times on Spotify and Apple Music. All of this happened while the Colorado Yeti lost four games when everything went wrong. With the season effectively over, Ed decided to take a week off practice and did very little in the final game. The Yeti were eliminated from the playoffs for the first time. Once he was 7-4, now he's 8-8 and the Yeti is completely shocked. As for Ed, he was laughing and muttering as usual. "Are we sorry we missed the playoffs?" he exclaimed in an interview with the Colorado News. I feel like the team is run by a lot of babies. There is no accountability here and that needs to change if they are going to return to the playoffs. If you keep track, the Big Edd Curse is an amazing 7-to-7 and really misses nothing. According to ISFL Sports News, Big Ed received "little attention" despite being approached for a trade.
Oh yeah, Season 27. Was it a crazy ride or what? After his rap career took off last year, Ed tried not to give up. In addition to his two DTOTY Awards and other awards, Ed has won numerous music awards, Artist of the Year, and two of his highest-grossing titles of the year, Frost Sax lmao and Lambo Lambo ft. Awarded. Booboo Smith Schuster". "Rambo Rambo" became his Steller's national anthem in Bittsburg and also became a top hit on his tok on the social media app Ticky. Once again, Ed seemed to win on another issue. Because everything he does is win-win-win no matter what. I can't go back to the ISFL. The offseason was pretty boring, so to make it a little more exciting, Ed had all the Yeti people play his Minecraft. Man it was a hit! A Yeti would spend hours eating noodles, mining, and just having fun with everything in the game. Ed and his creative, innovative engineering and his team set out to design and build beautiful masterpieces such as towers and skybridges. They were some of the greatest works of art the world has ever seen. They were so wonderful that the United States collaborated with the National Museum of History and the Louvre to build a replica of them. But for some reason, the Yeti thought differently. They will destroy every block in every creation Ed made. IT confused Ed and he wondered why he had to do that. He didn't do that to them, but that's okay. He didn't think much of it and just continued with demolition and such. The season finally opened with a good performance by the Yeti against the Sarasota sailfish. Big Ed's stunning win and his sack gave the Yeti their first win since Week 11 of Season 26. But in his next two weeks, tensions begin to build in the Yeti's dressing room. Again the Korod Yeti began to suckle heavily. It became a weekly thing for them to play at half strength and pretend they didn't care. Ed's frustration was evident in the media and throughout the league. He then appeared on Instagram Live, lashing out at the Yeti and their lackluster efforts on the field, elaborating: They're all so weird, I don't know why. ” I always want to be here. They obviously want to focus on destroying my buildings in Minecraft rather than earning points or sales. On his way back to the dressing room, Ed finds his belongings thrown out of the dressing room as he's more tense than ever. Again he was put on the trading block and rejoiced:
"Let's talk at this damn hour. I'm tired of being here. You obviously don't want me here and neither do I. # next chapter
We start this ever-so long journey in the infamous crib of Big Edd. The Edd residence was a hectic one, but one riddled with football. They were a football family through and through. Edd Sr., whose name is still not known to the public (I did not give him a name yet, maybe come back to this later), was a star play. Never mind I found it lmao, its Bigg. A native of Pittsburgh, Not Edd grew up as one of three children in a working-class family in the city's Banana neighborhood. His father Bigg, whose football career ended due to a patellar fracture suffered while playing at Norfolk State, introduced Not Edd to strength training when he was 12, seeking to provide more structure in his son's life. Edd himself would later admit that he was "lazy as a kid". By age 14, he and his father woke up at 4:30 am and almost immediately proceeded to work out for nearly two hours in the basement gym that Bigg installed in the family home. Big Edd and Not Edd trained relentlessly everyday to achieve their goal. While, they both did the same training and workouts, it was Big Edd who always got the love and outshined his younger bro Not Edd. They both started at defensive tackle but Big Edd exponential growth and size helped him push his brother out of the spotlight. This, as you probably have guessed, was the beginning of Not Edd’s villain arc.
Chapter 1: The Beginning
It was not always easy for the Edd’s. Growing up in the Hill District of Pittsburgh, gang and gun violence was always prevalent. Walks home from practice and school were typically met with a sprint home to escape any gang-related activities. Bigg made sure he did his best to keep his kids out of trouble. Days back then we not too funny for the Edd’s, as it was too dangerous to go outside their crib beyond school, practice, and the occasional grocery trip. To keep himself busy, Big Edd would watch lots of film and football highlights with his dad. Not Edd, on the other hand, was not like the other two. His passion for football was not the most genuine, and to be honest, it was only because of his brother and father that was he rocking with the pigskin. His greater passion developed from being at the library one day when he picked up a book called “Coding for Dummies”. The book opened the world to Not Edd’s curious brain. He stuffed his nose in that book like it was a line of snow and never took it out. He spent hours and hours every day after school learning how to program for fun. Some days, he would skip football practice to work on projects. Growing up as a computer nerd in a household full of meatheads ready to tackle you everyday did not allow Not Edd to fully reach his potential as a programmer. He would exclaim to his dad that he did not want to play football in middle school. This was not met with the greatest of welcomes from Bigg. Bigg would proceed to take Not Edd’s computer and library card. “What hot chick is going to marry some lousy, nerdy, computer dude Not Edd! Get your ass on the field, we all know the shorties only want the football guys.” Not Edd was in disbelief that his own father would shutdown his personal dreams and aspirations for such crazy reasons, but he had no choice but to abide.
Big Edd was definitely the biggest one in the family, while Not Edd was more ‘scrawny’ from skipping all those practices and weight training. This created an issue for Not Edd when the 6th grade football tryouts came around. THe two brothers would go and attend their first organized football tryouts of their life. As we all know, the naturally gifted speed demon Big Edd breezed through the tryouts and immediately caught the eyes of his teammates, coaches, and even the cheerleaders. Not Edd, who had spent all year infront of a computer screen, could barely run a 30-minute mile. Not edd did not make the team as a result and had to sit out the entire year of 6th grade ashamed and embarrassed. WHile Big Edd was getting more of the fame, Not Edd was too sad and would spend that year crying. One day, on family trip to Los Angeles, Not Edd would cross paths with Lebron James, our glorious king. Lebron had just finished a press conference about the upcoming Los Angeles Lakers and was walking around with his family. The beautiful savannah james was able to take a picture of the Edds and The James family. Not Edd went up and dapped up the boy LeSperm also known as Bronny. They chopped it up about life and what not. They discussed Adin Ross and how much of a dumbass he is. What I forgot to mention was that the Edds were also hoopers on the side. I do not know how they had enough time for everything but they managed to do it all. Edd and Bronny would continue to discuss Bronny’s basketball career and how that was going. Bronny would go on to say that he was super excited and ready to go play basketball at the university of southern california. Crazy enough he was going to be the first james to commit to a 4 year fully accredited university. The red and yellow was did it for Bronny. He could not see himself rocking blue and white at duke or kentucky for four years. That was also a secret Bronny told Not Edd, he was not going one and done but wanted to enjoy the college life and stay in los angeles for a few years. THis really caught not edd’s attention as he was a couple years away from even beginning to think about college. Growing up in Pittsburgh, all he knew was the university of Pitt. Him and his brother bother dreamt. USC was something he had never really heard of and so he kept asking Bronny a gazillion more questions about the school. Eventually Bronny got the idea of inviting Not Edd on a visit to the USC campus as it was only a 10 minute drive from the staples center. Demar, oj, lincoln, caleb. Eventually Edd and Bronny would arrive on campus. While touring around, they crossed paths with Demar Derozan, OJ Simpson, the goated Caleb Wiliams, and most notably THE Lincoln Riley. Starstruck, Edd felt like he was ready to commit that day.
Chapter 2: Trials and Triumphs
Edd’s skills catch the attention of a random scout, leading him to join a renowned football school. In this chapter, we witness his struggles to adapt to the intense training regime and fierce competition. However, Edd’s perseverance and natural talent help him shine on the field, earning him accolades and establishing him as a rising star.
With the USC visit in mind, Not Edd would go back home to Pittsburgh with a new motivation and feeling rejuvenated. He would immediately his the weight room and would continue to do so everyday for the rest of his life. Not Edd was still the savvy technical mind that was mentioned before. Even though, he wasn’t the strongest or the fastest person ever, boy was he smart. He knew the X’s and O’s better than we know the back of our hands. With all the new time on his hands without programming and his computer, Not Edd’s nose was stuffed in a new book, the team’s playbook. He analyzed, read, memorized, and did just about everything you could do to the book. It was like a whole different world they way different plays and coverages counteracted. Even Bigg and Big were amazed at this new Not Edd. 7th grade rolled around and this go around, Not Edd was prepared to make the team and blow up any past expectations that were set on him, and that he did. Tryouts were a success, as the next week Not Edd was ecstatic to see his name on that roster. Despite excelling at the X’s and O’s of the sport, he was most definitely not the most active on the field. Struggling to run an 8 second 40, the coaches were forced to put him at the QB3 spot. THis did not bring Edd down however. This was only the beginning of something he knew was going to be special. For the next few seasons in middle school, despite never sniffing a rep on the field, Not Edd was able to use his smarts and playbook knowledge to assist the coaching staff to back to back championships, led by the DPOTY Big Edd of course. What wasnt mentioned was with the lack of on field reps, Edd was still eating and lifting weight. Now reaching an outstanding six foot two and crazily enough six hundred pounds of muscle. He was finally starting to shape out into another Edd. This came just in time as one day on the way to the gym with his brother, he crossed paths with a mysterious glorious man was a beard in a trenchcoat. The man would not reveal who he was but he was able to recognize the power and potential the two Edd brothers possessed. He invited them to attend the prestigious Banana High School where only the best of the best up and coming high school football prospects attend. And so Not Edd’s plan had been put into motion.
And so it began, summer practices were just about getting started. Not Edd, despite being 300 pounds was still under the assumption that he would be playing QB still. That was until Coach G brought him to the side and had the talk of a lifetime with him. Edd did not want to switch positions. The QUarterback was all he had known and all he had wanted. It made him feel needed and made him feel important. Coach explained to edd how the position of offensive lineman was one that was much underappreciated but never undervalued. The key to success at the highest level was to have an established oline that could protect whomever was throwing the rock or running between the numbers. A good oline could quite literally lead a team anywhere. And so Edd began this new training regime to become the new starting Left tackle for Banana High school. The easy part was knowing the plays and what the different cadences were for edd. Unfortunately, this was only the beginning of what would be some of the toughest practices and exercise edd had ever experienced.
And now we take a turn and flip this into a Big Edd career story.
Big Edd awaited the day that he would get the opportunity to hear his name called on draft night. That day came to reality when the Dallas Birddogs chose to select Edd in the S21 draft with pick number 155. That pick, along with a few others, was received in a trade that was not thought about too much at the time. Although, Edd surged into the spotlight numbers that no other defensive tackle could keep up with. Edd made his debut in the DSFL in a game against the other fellow expansion team. Despite the disappointing loss, Edd claimed that "[he] and the and Dallas Birddogs were just getting started. The league better prepare for the Birddog wraith." Edd kept his promise as he continued to post great numbers. It was not until Week 6 that Edd would finally get his first name. Subsequently, in a Week 9 matchup against the Minnesota Greyducks, Edd bull-rushed his way passed the offensive guard and sacked the opposing quarterback for safety ultimately clinching the game and getting one game closer to the playoffs. Edd and the Birddogs felt they were on top of the world as they controlled their destiny going into a tough Week 11 matchup with the Kansas City Coyotes. A win in Kansas City would pretty seal the deal on clinching a playoff spot. Unfortunately, things did not go as planned and Big Edd and the Dallas Birddogs were unable to win a single game. They finished the season on a four game losing streak and as a result failed to clinch a playoff spot.
With the 22nd pick in the S21 NSFL Draft, the Orange County Otters selected Big Ed. When Big Ed joined his NSFL, he was considered one of the most underrepresented players in this powerful class. Big Ed was selected as the fifth-ranked defensive tackle, one of the few picks over teammate Deshun Jones, the sixth-ranked defensive tackle. Ed was content to continue destroying offensive linemen and quarterbacks with his old friend Deshun. Big Ed's NSFL career got off to a slow start. He failed to achieve the same numbers as his rookie year in the DSFL. But it wasn't just Ed's fault. Though he was just a tiny dot in Orange County's top-level defense, Ed was patient and continued to work to improve his game. As Big Ed got better, so did Otters, who seemed even better than before. This OCO defense will rank as the top defense for most of the season. Once the offense started to slow down, the defense picked up the pace and nearly won. Big Edd ignited the fire towards the end of the year and helped OCO secure the #1 spot. So did they secure first place with a 10-3 record? Ed and Otters continued his ASFC Championship win streak. Statistically, Big Ed surpassed his career best in the TFL five times (6) and sacks (4) once. It wasn't a Pro Bowl-level season, but it proved to be exactly what the OCO defense needed. He set the Eero stat in Ed's first playoff game against the Austin Copperheads, but the Otters ended up dropping a 50 Burger against the Copperheads. At the Ultimus, the OCO took a 21-3 lead on him, but unfortunately, a gamble robbed him of the lead and Ed's first Ultimus lost his game.
The offseason following the S22 Ultimus Choke was long for Big Ed and Otters. Teammates were upset, coaches were disappointed, and Ed started playing Madden. He trained every day on his Xbox to perfect his sack technique. Ed tells me: He said, “I was playing about 27 hours a day. But that silly (expletive) loss wasn't my fault (laughs). If we're serious, it's everyone else's fault. Ed always fails to give us a pretty interesting interview, and when the media smelled his remarks, the media went up in flames. Articles and tweets like Orange County issue "Is Big Edd." and "Orange County crybaby and fat" flew left and right. If you knew about Ed, you wouldn't notice it. He loves being the center of attention and is well suited for situations like this. Ed continued to work with the Otters during the turbulent offseason. His 23rd season was to be his last in the National Simulation League. The Commissioner decided it was time to reach out to his international friends as well. Ed and Otters made sure to let the league know they had unresolved issues from the previous season. They came out full throttle, leading the league with a 3-0 record and topping every standings. Big Ed was starting to make a name for himself, recording sacks in every defensive tackle all season and grabbing the attention of the league. All these hours spent with Madden ultimately paid off, helping Ed put in some great performances and ultimately earn Defensive Tackle of the Year honors. The Otters rode the momentum and finished the game with a better record (11-5) than last year. After attacking the outlaws, the otters encountered the Copperheads. Orange County were big favorites and I didn't want to disappoint. Everything went according to plan, and the Otters he entered the 4th quarter with a 19-14 lead. Then a bang. The curse strikes again... another bites the dust. Armstrong throws the pick 6 to start a surprise comeback for the Copperheads. It was incredible in my last game as Otter. All the hard work and effort throughout the season was in vain. When asked about his offseason plans, Ed replied, "A hot dog is a hot dog, not a sandwich," removing Otters from his Twitter profile and unfollowing all of his teammates. . Days later, ESPN and CBS reported that DTOTY and the Pro Bowler had asked for a trade after another dismal end. This rumor was not taken seriously until Ed announced that he had been traded to Srasota Saylsif. It looks like the Big Ed curse isn't over yet with the Otters. Because they haven't made it to the end since Ed arrived...
A new beginning for Big Ed begins in the beautiful city of Sarasota, Florida. Like Sailfsih, the relatively new expansion team was still in its second or third season. Ed seemed to like it because not only did he get to wear a green and blue dripping leotard, but he also got to hang out with Tori-Dog's old friend Mango Panda. Alongside Booger McFarland and Frost, the duo was ready to headline SAilfsih. In an interview with FOX Sports, Ed was asked how he was preparing for the summer and whether the pressure was too much for DTOTY last year. Ed laughs and says, "Are you serious?" You don't seem to know me yet. I just keep doing what I do at Madden. Keep it up [swear words] and stay focused on the game. of course. It's not broken. why repair? am i right What about pressure? it's nothing. I live with this pressure, and I let the haters shut up and start over... what is he saying? The pressure is a diamond or something, but yes, I'm ready." Ed later told reporters that he has dreams of winning next season and DTOTY, but anything will happen. No one paid attention and didn't think Ed was just making a meme or something. The ISFL media didn't seem to respect what Ed and Sailfish had to say about their league performance. One day, Edd got his team together and demanded that every tweet, every article, everything be used as bulletin material. Whatever he said at the team briefing, there must be some magic there. When Sarasota opens the season with a six-game winning streak, it will shock everyone and their mothers. Ed named him King Big Madus because everything he touched or played with seemed to turn to gold. Both teams showed game ins and game outs as Banks II moved up in his MVP race and Ed re-emerged in his DTOTY race. He broke the Sachs franchise record (13) and would break many personal records as well. Sarasota advanced to the playoffs with a score of 12-4 and also made it to the home game for the first time. With Big Ed and Fish eyeing the trophy, they would cap off the Butchers' winning season in the wild card round. They faced the daunting task of facing the Yeti, but Ed was unafraid. He made sure he and his team were on track and put up a great fight. The fourth round ended in a 17-point draw. The Yeti quickly got on their horses and scored another touchdown, with Sairufushi scoring a field goal with 10 minutes remaining. They failed at the Yeti 35, finishing 4th and he failed to score a 2nd place finish. Don't worry, the defense was strong and retrieving the ball... only Sailfish failed to convert yet another fourth short ball on the Yeti 16. No one gave a post-game interview when Ed made his way to the locker room after this season's disappointing final against HSI. But with the DTOTY honors now on his way, he was poised to take revenge again by a narrow margin, so he kept his hopes up for next season. The curse, also known as "Captain don't save the hoe", is back.
Big Ed is now a veteran and has become a fairly well-known player within the league. Some call him "Big Edward", others "Mr. Back2Back". To everyone's surprise, Ed didn't seem particularly sad after the playoff loss, telling an NBC reporter, "Losing makes us stronger. I have to. To be honest, I'm just happy." If you win another award, yes. But this year I feel like I'm looking forward to doing it again with sailfish...we'll be visiting a little later this season. Unlike Season 24, the Sailfish didn't catch fire. They froze like stinky tuna and sardines. Frustration mounted, and tension mounted in the dressing room. Sarasota started Week 8 2-5 with a mix of pointing and roasting. For the first time since the DSFL, Ed was part of a losing team. But he paid no heed to it, got better and better, and stayed focused until someone stole his Doritos at a team dinner. Potato chips were nowhere to be seen, and it should go without saying that no one would touch BIG EDDS FOOD. And that's exactly what happened, and it got incredibly bad. Ed began a fistfight, exchanging punches with GM Frost. As a towering, extremely strong, and athletic athlete, Ed Frost wowed his mind. He grabbed Frost and dragged Randy Orton into an RKO, eventually putting Frost to sleep. The room was silent. Ed staggered in front of the room, writing on a chalkboard in large red letters, "Trade with me, or trade with others." Media and paparazzi flocked to him wherever he went. Each time he was asked the same question, he told them he was Big Ed and no one would interfere with him and his favorite chips. After that, Ed signed his first branding deal with his Jordans, released his own shoes, and became his partner in the ISFL's first Jordans. The shoes he made were so fresh and drippingly clean that he dubbed them "Freshy Fresh One's" with the tagline, "Brought life to Frost (laughs)." A week later, after another double-sack match, Ed had his coach change channels to confirm that he was finally handed over to Honolulu Hahalua at an ISFL sports show. Finally he was free and were you excited? Not only was he able to live in Hawaii, but he was also able to work with the old GM from Dallas, Gucci. Ed then recorded another 13 sacks, made it to the Pro Bowl, and closed out a frenetic season with a third straight DTOTY loss. Undaunted, he sat and watched another sailfish season fail hysterically. The usual pattern of Big Ed's curse of waiting until the end to ensure his curse hurt even more happened again. Sarasota won nine games after the Ed trade, finished 11-5, and is in the hunt for the trophy again. However, after beating the Butches the previous season, the sailfish embarrassed themselves at home and were eliminated in the first round of the playoffs. When Ed was asked what he thought of this ending, he simply grinned and bent all his money and Gucci chains.
Ed's time in Honolulu was very short. He was still on his three-year, $5 million deal, but he hadn't even stepped into free agency. He was terribly bored with the people of Hahalua and frankly found them strange. The locker room was nearly empty and the Honolulu team lacked passion, vision and aggression. Apparently they were used to losing, which annoyed Ed. He was used to winning, he wasn't a loser, and he wasn't going to let the media portray himself that way. He did what everyone expected him to do, and with all due respect he asked for an off-season replacement. He spent much of his time swimming and fishing in the warm waters of Hawaii. Ed's continued success and world-famous reputation have landed him in a massive $500 million deal over the next 10 years with Bare Jordan. Ed immediately took to Twitter to let everyone know: "Bare Jordan - Mom, go for it, we did it!!" The future is here for me - Bare Jordan Athlete." Whether he knew about it or not, Ed predicted many great things were about to happen. Doritos heard what happened to him at the Sarasota Conference and provided him with all the Dorito Chips he wanted in his lifetime. Pixar contacted Ed later that week and asked him to star in their new movie, Big Edd The GOAT. He's drowned in every imaginable amount of money and mess. He beat every club. His life was going well and everything was going uphill until he drunkenly tweeted something crazy. Apparently candy corn is the top three candies, and if anyone disagrees, they can smoke that [bad word]. Well, I don't know if it was because of the curse or just because of his stupidity, but then Bear Jordan terminated Ed's contract and ended all ties with his name. What a sin! He used to play DTOTY twice and had more money than the Cameroon nation, reaching $5 million for a struggling DT. Things don't look too good for Ed in the ISFl either, nobody seems to want to trade him for his antics and he'll be playing for Hahalua again soon. Luckily for him, he was told that a team that had already beaten him twice at Ultimus would trade him. Ed will get a chance to tell everyone that he is still a DTOTY Pro Bowler and deserves to be on a winning team. As for Honolulu, they stink, but it really stinks. A curse may have left them bound for eternity. Because they will never make it to the playoffs.
Colorado Yeti, actually why Ed doesn't wear a ring on his finger. This move felt like Ed joining the Dark Side. It's like Kevin Durant's team-level change. "If you can't beat them, join them." Nonetheless, Ed left everything behind and was excited to meet his new teammates. The Yeti unfortunately lost 9-7 to the Sabercats, led by Jamar Luxon, aka Mr. F-Speed. So Ed and his new teammate soon had one thing in common.
Revenge Tour S26. Ed met a former Bird Dog teammate named William Lim, which was also cool. Once again, things were looking good for Ed, and all pointed to another onslaught of the Yeti. Ed and Yeti had a pretty rocky 2-2 lead with a rookie quarterback. But it's okay, he was still a beginner, so everything went as usual. Statistically, Ed had his worst performance since his rookie season. Instead of working in the off-season and playing Madden, I worked in clubs and played with fish in the Hawaiian waters. Lack of work appeared on the field and Ed got a little annoyed, but all was well once the Yeti spotted footsteps and started clicking. A four-game winning streak, including several bug games by Ed, lifted the Yeti to the top of the league with a 7-4 record, just a few wins away from qualifying for the playoffs. Now it seems that Big Ed's curse has hit the Yeti and himself. Ed didn't fire another quarterback since his 7-4 record, so he lost by friendly fire. In fact, he wasn't even nominated for DTOTY for the first time, and didn't even make it to the Pro Bowl. That didn't happen at DSFL either. Ed decided to launch his rapping career instead of going to the lab like he used to. Big Schmoney Edd, his rapper name, began releasing more songs than sax, including his most famous "Frost Sux lmao," which was streamed over 6 million times on Spotify and Apple Music. All of this happened while the Colorado Yeti lost four games when everything went wrong. With the season effectively over, Ed decided to take a week off practice and did very little in the final game. The Yeti were eliminated from the playoffs for the first time. Once he was 7-4, now he's 8-8 and the Yeti is completely shocked. As for Ed, he was laughing and muttering as usual. "Are we sorry we missed the playoffs?" he exclaimed in an interview with the Colorado News. I feel like the team is run by a lot of babies. There is no accountability here and that needs to change if they are going to return to the playoffs. If you keep track, the Big Edd Curse is an amazing 7-to-7 and really misses nothing. According to ISFL Sports News, Big Ed received "little attention" despite being approached for a trade.
Oh yeah, Season 27. Was it a crazy ride or what? After his rap career took off last year, Ed tried not to give up. In addition to his two DTOTY Awards and other awards, Ed has won numerous music awards, Artist of the Year, and two of his highest-grossing titles of the year, Frost Sax lmao and Lambo Lambo ft. Awarded. Booboo Smith Schuster". "Rambo Rambo" became his Steller's national anthem in Bittsburg and also became a top hit on his tok on the social media app Ticky. Once again, Ed seemed to win on another issue. Because everything he does is win-win-win no matter what. I can't go back to the ISFL. The offseason was pretty boring, so to make it a little more exciting, Ed had all the Yeti people play his Minecraft. Man it was a hit! A Yeti would spend hours eating noodles, mining, and just having fun with everything in the game. Ed and his creative, innovative engineering and his team set out to design and build beautiful masterpieces such as towers and skybridges. They were some of the greatest works of art the world has ever seen. They were so wonderful that the United States collaborated with the National Museum of History and the Louvre to build a replica of them. But for some reason, the Yeti thought differently. They will destroy every block in every creation Ed made. IT confused Ed and he wondered why he had to do that. He didn't do that to them, but that's okay. He didn't think much of it and just continued with demolition and such. The season finally opened with a good performance by the Yeti against the Sarasota sailfish. Big Ed's stunning win and his sack gave the Yeti their first win since Week 11 of Season 26. But in his next two weeks, tensions begin to build in the Yeti's dressing room. Again the Korod Yeti began to suckle heavily. It became a weekly thing for them to play at half strength and pretend they didn't care. Ed's frustration was evident in the media and throughout the league. He then appeared on Instagram Live, lashing out at the Yeti and their lackluster efforts on the field, elaborating: They're all so weird, I don't know why. ” I always want to be here. They obviously want to focus on destroying my buildings in Minecraft rather than earning points or sales. On his way back to the dressing room, Ed finds his belongings thrown out of the dressing room as he's more tense than ever. Again he was put on the trading block and rejoiced:
"Let's talk at this damn hour. I'm tired of being here. You obviously don't want me here and neither do I. # next chapter