07-26-2023, 07:41 AM
(This post was last modified: 07-26-2023, 10:08 AM by lemonoppy. Edited 1 time in total.)
To preface this story I would like to say that it contains violent and disgusting behavior toward the new king of kickers, Zenzeroni Xystarch II the most humble of kickers and players in the ISFL. Zenzeroni has emerged from the darkness like a phoenix and has spread his wings to become the face of the upcoming prospect class. Zenzeroni promises a no-controversy guarantee or your money back (Restrictions do apply)*.
*This is not a factual statement and Zenzeroni will not be giving any money back received for this article nor any money received from bribes by third-party employers to anyone (especially Clown #2).
What am I talking about when I say “The Clown Car Four”? Well, a clown car has four wheels and each one of those wheels refers to a different player in the league (or soon to be in the league). To put it plainly, I’m referring to four players who took it upon themselves to put themselves in a class of their own as some of the biggest clowns in the league.
The story begins at…. You guessed it, the beginning. I came into the league as a humble kicker not wanting to make a splash and fly under the radar. There was no need for me to put my neck on the line and I was more than happy to watch from afar and to play in the prospect bowls and just simply do my job. But that all changed on one warm summer afternoon.
It was 1:24 on that fateful day. It was July 21st and the warm summer breeze was blowing a couple of hairs into my face as I received a message from a user by the name of “Toofpete”. Toofpete had asked a simple enough question, “Would you rather go for it on 4th and 1 on the 12-yard line or kick the field goal?”. I answered that it depended on the scenario but most likely go for it. This seemed to be the answer Toofpete was looking for. Calling upon what I assume to be a friend, in TheRake aka Rico Savage to tell him how amazing I am. However, at the time I was unaware that this would be the first meeting with our first clown and the only non-prospect of this four-wheel Clown Car. But before I continue talking about the clown I must carry on with my story to give you proper context.
You see I gave a third option to the question, stating faking the kick and throwing for a touchdown would be even better. Toofpete agreed as did others. But then, an alarming message arose. Toofpete had messaged “I think we finally found someone who'll test the resolve of Rake's ban kickers campaign”. I had not heard about this ban kicker campaign until now and was intrigued as to the reasoning. So Rico Savage was called upon to answer the question himself but in the meantime, I decided to put my foot down and draw a line in the sand. I would not stand for this action to ban kickers and decided then and there it was my duty to protect the kicker's name. So in response to these ban kicker proclamations, I attacked Rico Savage’s character calling him a “chump” and saying “I’m sure I'm a better ISFL member than him already”. This clearly did not sit well with Rico who joined the conversation and replied “If a tree falls in the woods and lands on a kicker, does anyone give a shit”. I was shocked and frankly taken aback by this message and this was when I realized I had my first clown. A player so deluded and so focused in on banning kickers, that they didn’t realize they could use me to win. You see, Rico has been on the Butchers the last two seasons and if you were unaware, the Butchers had a miserable team this last season. And as a safety, it is Savage’s job to prevent the opponent's offense from scoring. That didn’t happen as the Butchers gave up almost 100 more points than the next closest team. So now you have context as to why Savage is such a clown for railing on kickers because maybe, just maybe, he should focus on his own play before coming at others.
He goes on to say that he looks forward to my inevitable position switch which only fueled my fire and he became the sole reason I will refuse to switch positions. With all of the information I just provided in the text above, I decided it was time to say it to his face so I finally replied with “I think it's cute to listen to all your shit talk for being on a team that could use someone like me on your team to actually score some points. Hell, I'd probably be a better defender than you with how many points you give up”. His only rebuttal was that he’d rather score 0 than draft a kicker. So I think I can confidently say that this clown….has been taken down.
And I thought that would be the end of the kicker debate. Having successfully defended the kicker name against the number one man against my position I went about the rest of my day as happy as can be. And woke up feeling the same, rejuvenated after a great night's sleep. Little did I know that trouble was brewing and the next clown would soon emerge. This clown would be the most relentless of the four. With his most notable feature being the ability to throw insults just as I’m falling asleep, leaving me unable to properly defend myself. I was feelin’ myself the next morning having had a delicious meal of chocolate chip pancakes and after brushing my teeth I decided to send a friendly “Good morning to everyone except he who shall not be named!” implying of course that I was saying good morning to everyone except Mr. Rico Savage. But a player by the name of Crazy Tomato stepped into the crosshairs and simply said “skill issue” implying I couldn’t think of the name because I wasn’t skilled enough. I brushed it off and assumed nothing of it typing a quick “Right….” in response. We ended the conversation on alright terms discussing the wildfires in Canada but little did I know Crazy Tomato had a fire in his eyes and two days later those fires would set his text ablaze.
In the early hours of July 24th, Crazy Tomato was in a conversation about how great PST is (which it very clearly isn’t). So I had to put a stop to this and said it is in fact possibly the worst time zone and that is when the fuel hit the fire and pandemonium set in for Crazy Tomato. Not sure what to do next, Crazy Tomato decided it would be best to go after my position saying “Your opinion doesn't count because you got the most useless position”. Clown 2 had officially been unleashed and wasn’t holding back comparing me to a goalie that can’t block and saying how much more masculine and strong he was because he was a DE and I was a kicker. He then provided a clip of the Ohio State blocked field goal in an attempt to roast me and boost his ego. The only problem was, the two players involved in the block were not DEs at all but a safety and cornerback. But I guess you can expect clown behavior from a clown. And the clowning only continued because as I explained this to him, I ended my sentence with my signature catchphrase “buddy” which he then mimicked back to me like the clown he really is. Our back and forth continued throughout the day until we meet clown number 3.
Clown number 3 is by no means the worst of the bunch I find Orange Julius pleasant to be around (Unlike the last two mentioned previously). Orange Julius was trying to get ideas on writing an article and Crazy (Clown) Tomato offered the idea of “Why they should draft you”. I had been arguing with Crazy Tomato throughout the day so I cheekily wrote “1. They shouldn’t. 2. Draft Zenzeroni Xystarch II instead”. Now this is something I highly suggest doing (I’m looking at all of you GM’s out there) but I can see why it is taken as an insult by Orange Julius here who says “Your now my rival in the novel congrats”. I would like to say Orange Julius is the smartest of the Clown Car but that might be for our next clown. I say this because every rebuttal I had to a message he sent he would have a rebuttal of his own even calling me out when I accidentally ended up roasting myself. Orange Julius had successfully outsmarted me just like OJ had outsmarted the cops all those years ago. Except this time OJ wouldn’t be getting away with it.
Side Note to future self: Orange Julius goes on to compliment me but don’t include that in the final draft of the article because it doesn’t make me look like the true hero I am.
I was then warned about going a little too crazy about making rivalries and angering people but I’m sure this article will cause no trouble at all :)
As the sun began to set over the 24th Crazy Tomato took one last jab at me just as I was falling asleep saying the biggest mistake a team could make is drafting me. I frankly had no rebuttal and figured I could hash it out the next day. Little did I know the next day a new clown entered the clown car and completed the car as it was ready to officially start its drive to Clown Town.
This final clown goes by the name CaptainSB or Joey Battle. Earlier I called Battle the smartest of the bunch and that is because of his get-rich-quick scheme. Throughout the day on the 25th of July, he would ask a multitude of questions to online users including whether you can go into the negatives for cash and what the best methods of earning the most money were. This clear Ponzi Scheme aside, Battle opened his conversation by explaining he “has a thing against kickers”. When I woke up on the 25th I was shocked. Later I would figure out his plan: Buy out the league and make new rules starting with banning kickers. Absolute clown behavior if I’ve ever seen one.
I didn’t want to go too hard on him because I had been in his shoes once getting blindsided by users and players that think they know everything on the first day but he continued to push my buttons this time wanting to buy all the kicker Dotts cards so that he could burn them. Then through my final conversations in the early morning of July 26th, I realized that Clown #4 had been manipulated and coerced into becoming a kicker hater by Clown #2…. Crazy (Rotten) Tomato. Sadly it didn’t matter at this point, as Joey Battle was too far gone. But it was a sad sight to see, a promising young rookie having their prospect dreams dashed so soon all because they decided to enter and become, the Clown Car. All three had continued to poke and jab at me as I fought relentlessly to save face to the kicker's name throughout the day and night of the 25th but I was over it. After falling upon that final realization that I couldn’t fight forever I decided to head to my Prospect Bowl locker room where none of the three prospects mentioned would be and write this story for the world to know the truth about the Clown Car Four.
So that is the story of The Clown Car, four clowns who think by bullying the kicker they can accomplish something. But they are fools if they think they are better than me and they will rue the day they became my rivals. Every last one of them will pay for what they have said and done.
Let me explain what is going to happen. First of all, the rosters couldn’t have ended up more perfect with each of us on our separate teams. This allows me to, every single Prospect Bowl game, tick one name off the list as I defeat them all. And as soon as I get to the ISFL I will defeat the driver of the whole operation Rico Savage himself and declare kickers the kings of the league. Mark my words. MARK MY WORDS!
And that is the story of The Clown Car Four and the clowns within.
Closure: As the sound of a brewing storm echoes overhead I leave you with one last important note. As you all know clown cars are famous for being able to fit many many more people inside than you would think. So don’t think because your name wasn’t mentioned that you are not also included in this clown car. I know some of you are lurking in the shadows and some of you I have yet to meet. But when I do meet you and when you do show your true colors, you will join the long list of those who have fallen victim to the curse of the clown car. (As I finished that line there was a cool thunder clap and lightning strike that made that sentence seem way better than it had any right to be).
P.S. This is made with love and from the heart. Rico Savage, Crazy Tomato, Orange Julius, and Joey Battle I look forward to having rivalries with all of you and can’t wait to crush your hopes and dreams one kick at a time :)
P.P.S. Please accept my rivalry request this is the only way a kicker like me can stay relevant in this cruel cruel world :)
Footnote: When the dust settles after Zenzeroni’s career is over there may be no one left in the league. It is my understanding that this kicker plot goes deeper than I could have ever imagined. My dream of defeating all who stand in front of me may be my own destruction but if it is to protect the honor and integrity of what kickers have faced in seasons previously then so be it. There must be justice in this cruel cruel world we call football. The name literally has foot in it and kicker is the only position that actively uses their feet. If we were to get rid of the position what would become of this fake sport? The ban the kicker crowd is so focused on the present that they lose grasp of what the future would look like. If kickers are gone who is the easiest position to bully next? Who knows maybe your position will be the next to get picked on? We kickers have thick skin. We can handle it. But some of you others? I’m not so sure. The reality of football is that all must suffer the consequences. And all must pay…..
Featuring:
Rico Savage
Clown #1
AKA The Leader
Crazy Tomato
Clown #2
AKA The Puppetmaster
Orange Julius
Clown #3
AKA The “Nice” Guy
Joey Battle
Clown #4
AKA The Misinformed
@lemonoppy x2 for first media plz :)
*This is not a factual statement and Zenzeroni will not be giving any money back received for this article nor any money received from bribes by third-party employers to anyone (especially Clown #2).
What am I talking about when I say “The Clown Car Four”? Well, a clown car has four wheels and each one of those wheels refers to a different player in the league (or soon to be in the league). To put it plainly, I’m referring to four players who took it upon themselves to put themselves in a class of their own as some of the biggest clowns in the league.
The story begins at…. You guessed it, the beginning. I came into the league as a humble kicker not wanting to make a splash and fly under the radar. There was no need for me to put my neck on the line and I was more than happy to watch from afar and to play in the prospect bowls and just simply do my job. But that all changed on one warm summer afternoon.
It was 1:24 on that fateful day. It was July 21st and the warm summer breeze was blowing a couple of hairs into my face as I received a message from a user by the name of “Toofpete”. Toofpete had asked a simple enough question, “Would you rather go for it on 4th and 1 on the 12-yard line or kick the field goal?”. I answered that it depended on the scenario but most likely go for it. This seemed to be the answer Toofpete was looking for. Calling upon what I assume to be a friend, in TheRake aka Rico Savage to tell him how amazing I am. However, at the time I was unaware that this would be the first meeting with our first clown and the only non-prospect of this four-wheel Clown Car. But before I continue talking about the clown I must carry on with my story to give you proper context.
You see I gave a third option to the question, stating faking the kick and throwing for a touchdown would be even better. Toofpete agreed as did others. But then, an alarming message arose. Toofpete had messaged “I think we finally found someone who'll test the resolve of Rake's ban kickers campaign”. I had not heard about this ban kicker campaign until now and was intrigued as to the reasoning. So Rico Savage was called upon to answer the question himself but in the meantime, I decided to put my foot down and draw a line in the sand. I would not stand for this action to ban kickers and decided then and there it was my duty to protect the kicker's name. So in response to these ban kicker proclamations, I attacked Rico Savage’s character calling him a “chump” and saying “I’m sure I'm a better ISFL member than him already”. This clearly did not sit well with Rico who joined the conversation and replied “If a tree falls in the woods and lands on a kicker, does anyone give a shit”. I was shocked and frankly taken aback by this message and this was when I realized I had my first clown. A player so deluded and so focused in on banning kickers, that they didn’t realize they could use me to win. You see, Rico has been on the Butchers the last two seasons and if you were unaware, the Butchers had a miserable team this last season. And as a safety, it is Savage’s job to prevent the opponent's offense from scoring. That didn’t happen as the Butchers gave up almost 100 more points than the next closest team. So now you have context as to why Savage is such a clown for railing on kickers because maybe, just maybe, he should focus on his own play before coming at others.
He goes on to say that he looks forward to my inevitable position switch which only fueled my fire and he became the sole reason I will refuse to switch positions. With all of the information I just provided in the text above, I decided it was time to say it to his face so I finally replied with “I think it's cute to listen to all your shit talk for being on a team that could use someone like me on your team to actually score some points. Hell, I'd probably be a better defender than you with how many points you give up”. His only rebuttal was that he’d rather score 0 than draft a kicker. So I think I can confidently say that this clown….has been taken down.
And I thought that would be the end of the kicker debate. Having successfully defended the kicker name against the number one man against my position I went about the rest of my day as happy as can be. And woke up feeling the same, rejuvenated after a great night's sleep. Little did I know that trouble was brewing and the next clown would soon emerge. This clown would be the most relentless of the four. With his most notable feature being the ability to throw insults just as I’m falling asleep, leaving me unable to properly defend myself. I was feelin’ myself the next morning having had a delicious meal of chocolate chip pancakes and after brushing my teeth I decided to send a friendly “Good morning to everyone except he who shall not be named!” implying of course that I was saying good morning to everyone except Mr. Rico Savage. But a player by the name of Crazy Tomato stepped into the crosshairs and simply said “skill issue” implying I couldn’t think of the name because I wasn’t skilled enough. I brushed it off and assumed nothing of it typing a quick “Right….” in response. We ended the conversation on alright terms discussing the wildfires in Canada but little did I know Crazy Tomato had a fire in his eyes and two days later those fires would set his text ablaze.
In the early hours of July 24th, Crazy Tomato was in a conversation about how great PST is (which it very clearly isn’t). So I had to put a stop to this and said it is in fact possibly the worst time zone and that is when the fuel hit the fire and pandemonium set in for Crazy Tomato. Not sure what to do next, Crazy Tomato decided it would be best to go after my position saying “Your opinion doesn't count because you got the most useless position”. Clown 2 had officially been unleashed and wasn’t holding back comparing me to a goalie that can’t block and saying how much more masculine and strong he was because he was a DE and I was a kicker. He then provided a clip of the Ohio State blocked field goal in an attempt to roast me and boost his ego. The only problem was, the two players involved in the block were not DEs at all but a safety and cornerback. But I guess you can expect clown behavior from a clown. And the clowning only continued because as I explained this to him, I ended my sentence with my signature catchphrase “buddy” which he then mimicked back to me like the clown he really is. Our back and forth continued throughout the day until we meet clown number 3.
Clown number 3 is by no means the worst of the bunch I find Orange Julius pleasant to be around (Unlike the last two mentioned previously). Orange Julius was trying to get ideas on writing an article and Crazy (Clown) Tomato offered the idea of “Why they should draft you”. I had been arguing with Crazy Tomato throughout the day so I cheekily wrote “1. They shouldn’t. 2. Draft Zenzeroni Xystarch II instead”. Now this is something I highly suggest doing (I’m looking at all of you GM’s out there) but I can see why it is taken as an insult by Orange Julius here who says “Your now my rival in the novel congrats”. I would like to say Orange Julius is the smartest of the Clown Car but that might be for our next clown. I say this because every rebuttal I had to a message he sent he would have a rebuttal of his own even calling me out when I accidentally ended up roasting myself. Orange Julius had successfully outsmarted me just like OJ had outsmarted the cops all those years ago. Except this time OJ wouldn’t be getting away with it.
Side Note to future self: Orange Julius goes on to compliment me but don’t include that in the final draft of the article because it doesn’t make me look like the true hero I am.
I was then warned about going a little too crazy about making rivalries and angering people but I’m sure this article will cause no trouble at all :)
As the sun began to set over the 24th Crazy Tomato took one last jab at me just as I was falling asleep saying the biggest mistake a team could make is drafting me. I frankly had no rebuttal and figured I could hash it out the next day. Little did I know the next day a new clown entered the clown car and completed the car as it was ready to officially start its drive to Clown Town.
This final clown goes by the name CaptainSB or Joey Battle. Earlier I called Battle the smartest of the bunch and that is because of his get-rich-quick scheme. Throughout the day on the 25th of July, he would ask a multitude of questions to online users including whether you can go into the negatives for cash and what the best methods of earning the most money were. This clear Ponzi Scheme aside, Battle opened his conversation by explaining he “has a thing against kickers”. When I woke up on the 25th I was shocked. Later I would figure out his plan: Buy out the league and make new rules starting with banning kickers. Absolute clown behavior if I’ve ever seen one.
I didn’t want to go too hard on him because I had been in his shoes once getting blindsided by users and players that think they know everything on the first day but he continued to push my buttons this time wanting to buy all the kicker Dotts cards so that he could burn them. Then through my final conversations in the early morning of July 26th, I realized that Clown #4 had been manipulated and coerced into becoming a kicker hater by Clown #2…. Crazy (Rotten) Tomato. Sadly it didn’t matter at this point, as Joey Battle was too far gone. But it was a sad sight to see, a promising young rookie having their prospect dreams dashed so soon all because they decided to enter and become, the Clown Car. All three had continued to poke and jab at me as I fought relentlessly to save face to the kicker's name throughout the day and night of the 25th but I was over it. After falling upon that final realization that I couldn’t fight forever I decided to head to my Prospect Bowl locker room where none of the three prospects mentioned would be and write this story for the world to know the truth about the Clown Car Four.
So that is the story of The Clown Car, four clowns who think by bullying the kicker they can accomplish something. But they are fools if they think they are better than me and they will rue the day they became my rivals. Every last one of them will pay for what they have said and done.
Let me explain what is going to happen. First of all, the rosters couldn’t have ended up more perfect with each of us on our separate teams. This allows me to, every single Prospect Bowl game, tick one name off the list as I defeat them all. And as soon as I get to the ISFL I will defeat the driver of the whole operation Rico Savage himself and declare kickers the kings of the league. Mark my words. MARK MY WORDS!
And that is the story of The Clown Car Four and the clowns within.
Closure: As the sound of a brewing storm echoes overhead I leave you with one last important note. As you all know clown cars are famous for being able to fit many many more people inside than you would think. So don’t think because your name wasn’t mentioned that you are not also included in this clown car. I know some of you are lurking in the shadows and some of you I have yet to meet. But when I do meet you and when you do show your true colors, you will join the long list of those who have fallen victim to the curse of the clown car. (As I finished that line there was a cool thunder clap and lightning strike that made that sentence seem way better than it had any right to be).
P.S. This is made with love and from the heart. Rico Savage, Crazy Tomato, Orange Julius, and Joey Battle I look forward to having rivalries with all of you and can’t wait to crush your hopes and dreams one kick at a time :)
P.P.S. Please accept my rivalry request this is the only way a kicker like me can stay relevant in this cruel cruel world :)
Footnote: When the dust settles after Zenzeroni’s career is over there may be no one left in the league. It is my understanding that this kicker plot goes deeper than I could have ever imagined. My dream of defeating all who stand in front of me may be my own destruction but if it is to protect the honor and integrity of what kickers have faced in seasons previously then so be it. There must be justice in this cruel cruel world we call football. The name literally has foot in it and kicker is the only position that actively uses their feet. If we were to get rid of the position what would become of this fake sport? The ban the kicker crowd is so focused on the present that they lose grasp of what the future would look like. If kickers are gone who is the easiest position to bully next? Who knows maybe your position will be the next to get picked on? We kickers have thick skin. We can handle it. But some of you others? I’m not so sure. The reality of football is that all must suffer the consequences. And all must pay…..
Featuring:
Rico Savage
Clown #1
AKA The Leader
Crazy Tomato
Clown #2
AKA The Puppetmaster
Orange Julius
Clown #3
AKA The “Nice” Guy
Joey Battle
Clown #4
AKA The Misinformed
@lemonoppy x2 for first media plz :)
![[Image: 002p.png]](https://i.postimg.cc/Fz6xtQqb/002p.png)
