03-07-2024, 06:20 PM
(This post was last modified: 03-09-2024, 05:21 PM by xenosthelegend. Edited 3 times in total.)
FOR IMMEDIATE MEDIA RELEASE—
FROM THE DESK OF jreed12
Dear loyal ISFL Weekly Mirror readers,
I am writing this frantically. I know I don’t have much time before they take me away. In fact, as of the time I am writing this, you are likely seeing it from a burner account.
After the damning slam piece written by none other than the maniacal trickster Zenzeroni Xystarch II, Head Office (HO) quickly filed a report with the SBI (Simulation Bureau of Investigation) and they conspired to seize all official ISFL Weekly Mirror accounts. All my bank accounts and my league credit card have been frozen. I’m dead in the water and the great white shark is coming.
And this is all due to the machinations of one man, who dared challenge the only beacon of truth in this league. You have proven to be the gum under my shoe, the mosquito in my ear, the thorn in my side, the cold water in my bathtub, the wrinkle in my jeans, and the scum in my swimming pool. Above all else, Zenzeroni Xystarch II, you are a NUISANCE!
Xystarch's active participation in ISFL Discord controversies, including clashes with other users and the Mirror, reflects a pattern of behavior that I, along with the Mirror, find nothing short of disturbing. This nefarious noodle has proven he will stop at nothing to drag myself, or anyone who dares challenge his hubris, through the mud.
He even fesses it up in his own writing, in that rambling vehement dreck, an unrefined ode to pure idiocracy at the sake of any poor soul who subjected themselves to reading it. Xystarch pulled out every stop, every last node of nonsense and impunity, to try to paint me as the bad guy. Well, riddle me this, Xystarch—which one of us takes on the mantle of the Joker to spread chaos and calamity in the sacred halls of our league?
While his retort is so profoundly dripping with saccharine bullshit that I don’t even want to give it the time of day, I must point out several glaring flaws in his bombastic “logic and evidence”. So, dear readers, let me pick apart the “case” that Xystarch so smugly presents, at the expense of possibly experiencing brain rot:
FIRST
Xystarch, you DARE use my player’s father, the late D’Jasper Probincrux III, and his known crippling gambling addiction, as slugs in your arsenal? All while preaching that the Mirror capitalized off your “schizophrenia diagnosis”? Hypocrite, I dare say!
SECOND
The ISFL Weekly Mirror has always, since the beginning, maintained the anonymity of sources that requested it. This is not only a common practice in journalism, an industry which you have no semblance of familiarity with, Xystarch, but referring to sources who wish for anonymity is actually cause for journalistic malpractice! Furthermore, when a source declines to comment, the ISFL Weekly Mirror dutifully outlines this in the article.
THIRD
Bamford bungled the S46 draft. That is a point-blank fact. You can try to connect the dots here in that deranged little mind of yours, and try to say we put a target on his back, but it really boils down to one simple question: why would we HIRE Bamford if we thought he wasn’t cut out for the job? He makes gobs more money than either of us (which you pompously purport is the only object in this world we care about), and, mind you, the presumptuous pomeranian STATED ON RECORD that he cares about journalism, not money! Oh, you don’t believe me? Well why don’t you read it for yourself, since you’re so high and mighty about “EVIDENCE”:
The ISFL Weekly Mirror Discord chat, Feb 15, 2024.
FOURTH
Now to the most controversial bit of Xystarch’s soliloquy: Bamford’s pay. Xystarch audaciously claims that the Mirror uses and abuses the labor of Bamford day in and day out, tirelessly working him like a dog for a mere 10%. Furthermore, the cavatappi crook took particular issue with the Fifth Edition, in which we paid Bamford 1%.
But I assure you, dear reader, Xystarch is trying to lead you astray! Your derision is not with the Mirror, who paid out Bamford for every week that he fulfilled the obligations of his contract. No, it should be directed against RAVEN, HEAD of the BANKS, and his persnickety policy that he will not pay out users for individual percents. Xystarch is an agent of the Head Office (HO) deep state and will go to ANY LENGTHS NECESSARY to pit COMMON USERS like us against each other!
Why did we pay Bamford 1% for the Fifth Edition, you might ask? Well you see, Bamford openly ADMITTED to the Senior Correspondents that he would not be contributing that week since an earthquake impacted his math class. While we couldn’t compensate him for the labor he didn’t perform, we generously decided to give him a 1% cut as a disaster relief fund. You dare spit on the hands of CHARITY!?
And, mind you, all this talk of “pay” was SNUBBED by RAVEN. NOT THE MIRROR.
The ISFL Weekly Mirror Discord chat, Feb 9, 2024.
FIFTH
Ah yes. The ELEPHANT in the room. The debacle of Bamford’s CONTRACT. I am not a lawyer, so I will spare the good readers any attempt to analyze the fine print, but I assure you that our good colleague AJ drafted up a fine document. During the arbitration of Bamford’s 15% offer to our 10% counteroffer, Bamford did WILLINGLY consent to accepting the 10%. The law is the law. Cry about it.
If the Ninth Edition of the ISFL Weekly Mirror ever sees the light of day (by which point I will most certainly be awaiting my fate in a holding cell, dear reader), you will see AJ’s DETAILED legal analysis of the contract. You can bitch and moan about the semantics of “signatures” all you want, Xystarch, but the blue pen ran out of ink!
There is more ludicrous nonsense in this beastly cyclical monologue than I can even acknowledge without deep frying my brain just like the aforementioned troublemaker who can’t resist keeping my name out of his mouth. Xystarch, the fact that you PREY on the INNOCENT with your tricks and chastise those who attempt to produce quality journalism just shows your spine is as FRAGILE as a dry spaghetti noodle!
The ISFL Weekly Mirror remains committed to unbiased reporting, presenting facts, and fostering a platform for open dialogue. Xystarch takes this premise and wipes his rear end with it time and time again, much to my chagrin. Xystarch's continued propulsion of the slimiest ISFL Discord controversies with no regard for the casualties he leaves in his wake MUST be stopped, and if Head Office (HO) and the Banks will not take a stand, I implore on the S47 Rookie Class to remain steadfast and CONTINUE THE REVOLT YOU HAVE ALREADY STARTED! TAKE YOUR FRUSTRATIONS STRAIGHT TO THE FRONT DOOR. BURN DOWN MORE STADIUMS LIKE WHAT HAPPENED TO FISHNET ON MONDAY. GIVE THEM A PROBLEM THEY CAN NO LONGER IGNORE.
We knew the cards were STACKED against us from the very beginning. When our publication was merely a humble pamphlet, we knew we would cause controversy far and wide by blowing the case open on the corruption RIFE within our dear league. We see the web of lies that has been created, Xystarch. We see the calamity you seek to sow. You might have beings more powerful than myself wrapped around your finger, but it’s only a MATTER OF TIME before your house of cards comes CRUMBLING down.
I hear the helicopters approaching. My time is running out. Xystarch, enjoy your appearance in the Ultimus and your halcyon days of peace, because they ARE NUMBERED and they will trickle away like sand in an hourglass. Know that while you may have won the battle, I WILL RETURN, AND I WILL WIN THE WAR.
THIS IS ONLY THE BEGINNING.
LONG LIVE THE MIRROR!
FROM THE DESK OF jreed12
Dear loyal ISFL Weekly Mirror readers,
I am writing this frantically. I know I don’t have much time before they take me away. In fact, as of the time I am writing this, you are likely seeing it from a burner account.
After the damning slam piece written by none other than the maniacal trickster Zenzeroni Xystarch II, Head Office (HO) quickly filed a report with the SBI (Simulation Bureau of Investigation) and they conspired to seize all official ISFL Weekly Mirror accounts. All my bank accounts and my league credit card have been frozen. I’m dead in the water and the great white shark is coming.
And this is all due to the machinations of one man, who dared challenge the only beacon of truth in this league. You have proven to be the gum under my shoe, the mosquito in my ear, the thorn in my side, the cold water in my bathtub, the wrinkle in my jeans, and the scum in my swimming pool. Above all else, Zenzeroni Xystarch II, you are a NUISANCE!
Xystarch's active participation in ISFL Discord controversies, including clashes with other users and the Mirror, reflects a pattern of behavior that I, along with the Mirror, find nothing short of disturbing. This nefarious noodle has proven he will stop at nothing to drag myself, or anyone who dares challenge his hubris, through the mud.
He even fesses it up in his own writing, in that rambling vehement dreck, an unrefined ode to pure idiocracy at the sake of any poor soul who subjected themselves to reading it. Xystarch pulled out every stop, every last node of nonsense and impunity, to try to paint me as the bad guy. Well, riddle me this, Xystarch—which one of us takes on the mantle of the Joker to spread chaos and calamity in the sacred halls of our league?
While his retort is so profoundly dripping with saccharine bullshit that I don’t even want to give it the time of day, I must point out several glaring flaws in his bombastic “logic and evidence”. So, dear readers, let me pick apart the “case” that Xystarch so smugly presents, at the expense of possibly experiencing brain rot:
FIRST
Xystarch, you DARE use my player’s father, the late D’Jasper Probincrux III, and his known crippling gambling addiction, as slugs in your arsenal? All while preaching that the Mirror capitalized off your “schizophrenia diagnosis”? Hypocrite, I dare say!
SECOND
The ISFL Weekly Mirror has always, since the beginning, maintained the anonymity of sources that requested it. This is not only a common practice in journalism, an industry which you have no semblance of familiarity with, Xystarch, but referring to sources who wish for anonymity is actually cause for journalistic malpractice! Furthermore, when a source declines to comment, the ISFL Weekly Mirror dutifully outlines this in the article.
THIRD
Bamford bungled the S46 draft. That is a point-blank fact. You can try to connect the dots here in that deranged little mind of yours, and try to say we put a target on his back, but it really boils down to one simple question: why would we HIRE Bamford if we thought he wasn’t cut out for the job? He makes gobs more money than either of us (which you pompously purport is the only object in this world we care about), and, mind you, the presumptuous pomeranian STATED ON RECORD that he cares about journalism, not money! Oh, you don’t believe me? Well why don’t you read it for yourself, since you’re so high and mighty about “EVIDENCE”:
The ISFL Weekly Mirror Discord chat, Feb 15, 2024.
FOURTH
Now to the most controversial bit of Xystarch’s soliloquy: Bamford’s pay. Xystarch audaciously claims that the Mirror uses and abuses the labor of Bamford day in and day out, tirelessly working him like a dog for a mere 10%. Furthermore, the cavatappi crook took particular issue with the Fifth Edition, in which we paid Bamford 1%.
But I assure you, dear reader, Xystarch is trying to lead you astray! Your derision is not with the Mirror, who paid out Bamford for every week that he fulfilled the obligations of his contract. No, it should be directed against RAVEN, HEAD of the BANKS, and his persnickety policy that he will not pay out users for individual percents. Xystarch is an agent of the Head Office (HO) deep state and will go to ANY LENGTHS NECESSARY to pit COMMON USERS like us against each other!
Why did we pay Bamford 1% for the Fifth Edition, you might ask? Well you see, Bamford openly ADMITTED to the Senior Correspondents that he would not be contributing that week since an earthquake impacted his math class. While we couldn’t compensate him for the labor he didn’t perform, we generously decided to give him a 1% cut as a disaster relief fund. You dare spit on the hands of CHARITY!?
And, mind you, all this talk of “pay” was SNUBBED by RAVEN. NOT THE MIRROR.
The ISFL Weekly Mirror Discord chat, Feb 9, 2024.
FIFTH
Ah yes. The ELEPHANT in the room. The debacle of Bamford’s CONTRACT. I am not a lawyer, so I will spare the good readers any attempt to analyze the fine print, but I assure you that our good colleague AJ drafted up a fine document. During the arbitration of Bamford’s 15% offer to our 10% counteroffer, Bamford did WILLINGLY consent to accepting the 10%. The law is the law. Cry about it.
If the Ninth Edition of the ISFL Weekly Mirror ever sees the light of day (by which point I will most certainly be awaiting my fate in a holding cell, dear reader), you will see AJ’s DETAILED legal analysis of the contract. You can bitch and moan about the semantics of “signatures” all you want, Xystarch, but the blue pen ran out of ink!
There is more ludicrous nonsense in this beastly cyclical monologue than I can even acknowledge without deep frying my brain just like the aforementioned troublemaker who can’t resist keeping my name out of his mouth. Xystarch, the fact that you PREY on the INNOCENT with your tricks and chastise those who attempt to produce quality journalism just shows your spine is as FRAGILE as a dry spaghetti noodle!
The ISFL Weekly Mirror remains committed to unbiased reporting, presenting facts, and fostering a platform for open dialogue. Xystarch takes this premise and wipes his rear end with it time and time again, much to my chagrin. Xystarch's continued propulsion of the slimiest ISFL Discord controversies with no regard for the casualties he leaves in his wake MUST be stopped, and if Head Office (HO) and the Banks will not take a stand, I implore on the S47 Rookie Class to remain steadfast and CONTINUE THE REVOLT YOU HAVE ALREADY STARTED! TAKE YOUR FRUSTRATIONS STRAIGHT TO THE FRONT DOOR. BURN DOWN MORE STADIUMS LIKE WHAT HAPPENED TO FISHNET ON MONDAY. GIVE THEM A PROBLEM THEY CAN NO LONGER IGNORE.
We knew the cards were STACKED against us from the very beginning. When our publication was merely a humble pamphlet, we knew we would cause controversy far and wide by blowing the case open on the corruption RIFE within our dear league. We see the web of lies that has been created, Xystarch. We see the calamity you seek to sow. You might have beings more powerful than myself wrapped around your finger, but it’s only a MATTER OF TIME before your house of cards comes CRUMBLING down.
I hear the helicopters approaching. My time is running out. Xystarch, enjoy your appearance in the Ultimus and your halcyon days of peace, because they ARE NUMBERED and they will trickle away like sand in an hourglass. Know that while you may have won the battle, I WILL RETURN, AND I WILL WIN THE WAR.
THIS IS ONLY THE BEGINNING.
LONG LIVE THE MIRROR!
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