06-28-2024, 08:44 AM
(This post was last modified: 06-30-2024, 08:21 PM by wetwilleh. Edited 1 time in total.)
STEVE A. MADDEN: ...look, I'm not trying to claim that New Orleans are necessarily frauds. All I'm saying is that we were robbed of a chance to see something magical happen this season. We could have seen the beginning of a genuine dynasty in Arizona had then been able to close that game against New Orleans. And brother, let me tell you, if we played that game out 100 times, the results we got? That-
An obnoxious buzzer cuts off MADDEN. The blowhard continues to speak anyways, overpowering the fact that he has nominally ran out of time.
MADDEN: That game would have been the outlier, one out of a hundred. New Orleans should not be in the Ultimus.
THOMAS BRUCKHEIMER looks at his co-host, his face a mixture of confusion and disdain. After a brief pause, BRUCKHEIMER continues as if he didn't hear one of the stupidest things in his life.
THOMAS BRUCKHEIMER: Anyways, that's all the time we have for the road to Ultimus XLVIII. Our next topic tonight is the incoming DSFL draft, particularly the upcoming Prospect Bowl. Steve, you have any thoughts about that?
MADDEN: If they do any night games this year, I hope they don't repeat the same mistakes they did with the Hanoi uniforms from last year. Looked fire as hell, but would blend into the dark outside of the floodlights of the field.
BRUCKHEIMER: Got to admit they looked amazing though. Made the Humpback players look like ninjas-
MADDEN: Actually, Tom, they're properly known as "shinobi"; ninja is the native Japanese reading of the characters 忍者, wheras ninja is the Sino-Japanese reading. Western people after the war thought since the concept was older than dirt, that the usually more traditional Sino-Japanese reading was probably the original, but in this particular case, they were wrong. Unless you are in Outworld-- and if you are, say hi to Sub-Zero for me-- the concept of shinobi have no relation to traditional Chinese culture. They are a purely indigenous Japanese concept, and thus historically did not, and still largely do not in Japan proper, use the Chinese-inspired reading. And on another note, shinobi didn't wear black, that's a common historical misconception. Historical shinobi wore very dark blue, as it blended into the true colors of the night sky better.
BRUCKHEIMER stares at MADDEN like the latter has three heads. BRUCKHEIMER is not sure whether to be impressed by his co-hosts surprising knowledge about the history of medieval Japanese assassins, or pissed off in how wildly he is missing the point.
MADDEN: Also, Tom, Hanoi is in Vietnam, not Japan. Don't be racist.
BRUCKHEIMER settles on the latter interpretation. In the corner of his eye, one can see the desire for him to strangle the life out of MADDEN. A few tense seconds later, BRUCKHEIMER bitterly sighs, before deciding he gets paid too much to want to throw it away on attempted murder.
BRUCKHEIMER: ANYWAYS, the prospect bowl. Analysts-- such as ourselves-- have called the incoming 2064 class for the DSFL to be historically one of the largest classes we've seen, and absolutely loaded with talent-
MADDEN: Some might say, more talent than what is on the current New Orleans roster-
BRUCKHEIMER: -and with such a large and talented draft class incoming, while it may be a little early to make definitive predictions on the players, we still have some thoughts on where they may end up.
MADDEN: Tom, it's never too early to give our hot takes on the incoming players. Even if we're wrong, no one will remember them, but they'll remember when we're right.
BRUCKHEIMER: True! And speaking of Japan-
MADDEN: VIETNAM!
BRUCKHEIMER: AS I WAS SAYING, IN RELATION TO THE COUNTRY OF JAPAN IN GENERAL-- NOT THE FORMER HUMPBACKS-- one of the biggest talks in the football scene is the meteoric rise of Akane Saruta, the ace of Kwansei Gakuin.
MADDEN: Unlike most people in the United States, I've actually watched some of her games. And let me tell you, she's going to bust so hard in the DSFL, I don't think she's even going to reach the true pros.
BRUCKHEIMER looks absolutely shocked by this take.
BRUCKHEIMER: Really, Steve? I wasn't expecting that kind of take from you, of all people. But tell me why.
MADDEN: It's simple, Tom. With no offense to her, she's a bum. All she relies on is her pure, raw strength. And I don't deny she's strong. Not even strong for a woman, but just... strong. I would not want to get into a fistfight with her. But that's all she is. Strength. There's no technique behind her strength-
BRUCKHEIMER: But do you need sophisticated technique when you're that strong?
MADDEN: But that's exactly my point! Look, I love Japan, you can tell I try really hard to keep informed on what's going on over there, but Japan is not the United States. It simply is not. The talent that Akane had to play against simply wasn't the same as someone coming out of the American collegiate system. And that's what I think people gloss over when they just write fluff pieces about this supposed Yajin. She was likely playing the equivalent of, what, D2 schools? At best? Yeah, put a random Roll Tide star on Bumfuck State University and they're going to similarly dominate the competition. That doesn't make her a generational talent. That just makes her a decent sized fish in an incredibly small pond.
BRUCKHEIMER: But in prior years, whenever we talked about rising stars from Japan, you were never this critical of their collegiate system.
MADDEN: Because this isn't about the system, this is about Saruta in particular. Usually the situation is inverted. You have these foreign players coming in, they don't have the sheer size and athleticism of American players because they don't put steroids in their ultra rare hamburgers: that's fine. That's what the DSFL is for. But you can tell they had a real love for the game, and that they would put in their all on the gridiron every week. They weren't punks that just rolled onto the field because it was either that or juvie, and just so happened to be able to walk the talk when compared to her undersized peers. It certainly makes her a genetic freak of nature, but I don't think it makes her good at football.
MADDEN gets more and more animated as he starts to get into his rant
MADDEN: The truth of the matter is that without her raw fundamentals, she has no game. In college, she already had to be switched from linebacker, her arguable real position, to safety simply because she isn't big enough to play linebacker even then. And she still isn't! The point of safety isn't to maul the damn ball carrier, and yet that's exactly how she plays it! And sure, she may still have some zip to her feet that a traditional big guy wouldn't; the thing is that she has no hands! She can't catch the damn ball! She is a damn liability in the passing game! And she has no technique, no smarts on the field. She just tries to kill the poor bastard with the football. Forget the amount of flags that kind of style is going to get, I'm worried she's going to be suspended after ripping some running back's head off. You don't want people with the lack of discipline that she has.
BRUCKHEIMER: It also leads to many forced fumbles, to be fair. That was always her specialty back on the Fighters.
MADDEN: Sure, it leads to forced fumbles. Some of which won't be called back due to the yellow flag on the field. But trust me, she's going to be a coach's nightmare unless she cleans up her game. And if you ever heard her talk-- which to be fair, she barely does-- she seems to have zero interest in doing so. Forget the yellow flags, that's the real red flag. And I mean no disrespect to Saruta, I'm sure she's a fine lady, when she's not trying to maul your head off, but my god, if she wants to just beat people up, take up MMA. Leave football for those who respect the game.
BRUCKHEIMER: I think you're being too harsh on her, Steve, but we'll see. If you want my opinion on potential busts, my thought instead goes to...
An obnoxious buzzer cuts off MADDEN. The blowhard continues to speak anyways, overpowering the fact that he has nominally ran out of time.
MADDEN: That game would have been the outlier, one out of a hundred. New Orleans should not be in the Ultimus.
THOMAS BRUCKHEIMER looks at his co-host, his face a mixture of confusion and disdain. After a brief pause, BRUCKHEIMER continues as if he didn't hear one of the stupidest things in his life.
THOMAS BRUCKHEIMER: Anyways, that's all the time we have for the road to Ultimus XLVIII. Our next topic tonight is the incoming DSFL draft, particularly the upcoming Prospect Bowl. Steve, you have any thoughts about that?
MADDEN: If they do any night games this year, I hope they don't repeat the same mistakes they did with the Hanoi uniforms from last year. Looked fire as hell, but would blend into the dark outside of the floodlights of the field.
BRUCKHEIMER: Got to admit they looked amazing though. Made the Humpback players look like ninjas-
MADDEN: Actually, Tom, they're properly known as "shinobi"; ninja is the native Japanese reading of the characters 忍者, wheras ninja is the Sino-Japanese reading. Western people after the war thought since the concept was older than dirt, that the usually more traditional Sino-Japanese reading was probably the original, but in this particular case, they were wrong. Unless you are in Outworld-- and if you are, say hi to Sub-Zero for me-- the concept of shinobi have no relation to traditional Chinese culture. They are a purely indigenous Japanese concept, and thus historically did not, and still largely do not in Japan proper, use the Chinese-inspired reading. And on another note, shinobi didn't wear black, that's a common historical misconception. Historical shinobi wore very dark blue, as it blended into the true colors of the night sky better.
BRUCKHEIMER stares at MADDEN like the latter has three heads. BRUCKHEIMER is not sure whether to be impressed by his co-hosts surprising knowledge about the history of medieval Japanese assassins, or pissed off in how wildly he is missing the point.
MADDEN: Also, Tom, Hanoi is in Vietnam, not Japan. Don't be racist.
BRUCKHEIMER settles on the latter interpretation. In the corner of his eye, one can see the desire for him to strangle the life out of MADDEN. A few tense seconds later, BRUCKHEIMER bitterly sighs, before deciding he gets paid too much to want to throw it away on attempted murder.
BRUCKHEIMER: ANYWAYS, the prospect bowl. Analysts-- such as ourselves-- have called the incoming 2064 class for the DSFL to be historically one of the largest classes we've seen, and absolutely loaded with talent-
MADDEN: Some might say, more talent than what is on the current New Orleans roster-
BRUCKHEIMER: -and with such a large and talented draft class incoming, while it may be a little early to make definitive predictions on the players, we still have some thoughts on where they may end up.
MADDEN: Tom, it's never too early to give our hot takes on the incoming players. Even if we're wrong, no one will remember them, but they'll remember when we're right.
BRUCKHEIMER: True! And speaking of Japan-
MADDEN: VIETNAM!
BRUCKHEIMER: AS I WAS SAYING, IN RELATION TO THE COUNTRY OF JAPAN IN GENERAL-- NOT THE FORMER HUMPBACKS-- one of the biggest talks in the football scene is the meteoric rise of Akane Saruta, the ace of Kwansei Gakuin.
MADDEN: Unlike most people in the United States, I've actually watched some of her games. And let me tell you, she's going to bust so hard in the DSFL, I don't think she's even going to reach the true pros.
BRUCKHEIMER looks absolutely shocked by this take.
BRUCKHEIMER: Really, Steve? I wasn't expecting that kind of take from you, of all people. But tell me why.
MADDEN: It's simple, Tom. With no offense to her, she's a bum. All she relies on is her pure, raw strength. And I don't deny she's strong. Not even strong for a woman, but just... strong. I would not want to get into a fistfight with her. But that's all she is. Strength. There's no technique behind her strength-
BRUCKHEIMER: But do you need sophisticated technique when you're that strong?
MADDEN: But that's exactly my point! Look, I love Japan, you can tell I try really hard to keep informed on what's going on over there, but Japan is not the United States. It simply is not. The talent that Akane had to play against simply wasn't the same as someone coming out of the American collegiate system. And that's what I think people gloss over when they just write fluff pieces about this supposed Yajin. She was likely playing the equivalent of, what, D2 schools? At best? Yeah, put a random Roll Tide star on Bumfuck State University and they're going to similarly dominate the competition. That doesn't make her a generational talent. That just makes her a decent sized fish in an incredibly small pond.
BRUCKHEIMER: But in prior years, whenever we talked about rising stars from Japan, you were never this critical of their collegiate system.
MADDEN: Because this isn't about the system, this is about Saruta in particular. Usually the situation is inverted. You have these foreign players coming in, they don't have the sheer size and athleticism of American players because they don't put steroids in their ultra rare hamburgers: that's fine. That's what the DSFL is for. But you can tell they had a real love for the game, and that they would put in their all on the gridiron every week. They weren't punks that just rolled onto the field because it was either that or juvie, and just so happened to be able to walk the talk when compared to her undersized peers. It certainly makes her a genetic freak of nature, but I don't think it makes her good at football.
MADDEN gets more and more animated as he starts to get into his rant
MADDEN: The truth of the matter is that without her raw fundamentals, she has no game. In college, she already had to be switched from linebacker, her arguable real position, to safety simply because she isn't big enough to play linebacker even then. And she still isn't! The point of safety isn't to maul the damn ball carrier, and yet that's exactly how she plays it! And sure, she may still have some zip to her feet that a traditional big guy wouldn't; the thing is that she has no hands! She can't catch the damn ball! She is a damn liability in the passing game! And she has no technique, no smarts on the field. She just tries to kill the poor bastard with the football. Forget the amount of flags that kind of style is going to get, I'm worried she's going to be suspended after ripping some running back's head off. You don't want people with the lack of discipline that she has.
BRUCKHEIMER: It also leads to many forced fumbles, to be fair. That was always her specialty back on the Fighters.
MADDEN: Sure, it leads to forced fumbles. Some of which won't be called back due to the yellow flag on the field. But trust me, she's going to be a coach's nightmare unless she cleans up her game. And if you ever heard her talk-- which to be fair, she barely does-- she seems to have zero interest in doing so. Forget the yellow flags, that's the real red flag. And I mean no disrespect to Saruta, I'm sure she's a fine lady, when she's not trying to maul your head off, but my god, if she wants to just beat people up, take up MMA. Leave football for those who respect the game.
BRUCKHEIMER: I think you're being too harsh on her, Steve, but we'll see. If you want my opinion on potential busts, my thought instead goes to...
![[Image: kZQaK3s.png]](https://i.imgur.com/kZQaK3s.png)
![[Image: Os3T62b.gif]](https://i.imgur.com/Os3T62b.gif)
![[Image: iOREJ8B.png]](https://i.imgur.com/iOREJ8B.png)
![[Image: NY9xgWm.png]](https://i.imgur.com/NY9xgWm.png)
