NICHOLAS PIERNO INVOLVED IN MOTORCYCLE ACCIDENT
By Umber Bumberdunny
PHILADELPHIA, PA - On the morning of March 26, an unresponsive Nicholas Pierno was found on the side of the road in the town of Allentown, Pennsylvania. He was reportedly in town visiting family, when an apparent motorcycle accident saw the young man thrown from the vehicle, presumably at high speed. While police were alerted to the scene at around 6 a.m., the incident is said to have occurred the previous night. No official statement has been made, but police have said that Pierno may have been intoxicated at the time of the accident. As of this report, no lab tests have been made public. The victim is currently in critical but stable condition.
Pierno found fame in recent years as the quarterback for the National Simulation Football League’s Colorado Yeti. He was drafted in the third season of the fledgling organization and met high expectations from day one. Since that time, his struggles both on and off the field have been well documented.
Pierno has had many close calls with the law, dating all the way back to his time in college. Multiple incidents of public intoxication and even one case of assault were alleged while the young man was attending North Carolina State University, but Pierno never served time for any of these comparably minor infractions. His behavior seemed to escalate once joining the NSFL, but again, his alleged crimes went unpunished. Still, numerous stints in rehab have left the quarterback with a questionable reputation. It is yet to be determined whether Pierno’s luck has run out or if he will have the opportunity to get himself on a more productive track.
EXPERIMENTAL THERAPY SEES PIERNO HOPING FOR COMEBACK
By Thistle Storm
LOS ANGELES, CA - Quarterback Nicholas Pierno of the National Simulation Football League has sought out a highly controversial and experimental treatment just days after recovering from a motorcycle accident that almost cost the young man his life. Still rehabbing from the accident outside of his hometown in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, the ever-ambitious athlete decided that he would undergo therapy in order to not just recover, but to restore him into football shape in time for next season. Normally, this kind of timeline would be out of the question given the extent of his injuries, but doctors are confident that, if all goes well, Pierno could be back on the field with his teammates by opening day of season seven.
The therapy is called Cryobiomechanical Rehabilitation Therapy, or CBM, and it is virtually unknown in the United States. Trials in Germany have shown promising results in mammals, with test subjects recovering all major organ and tissue function in a fraction of the time that traditional physical therapy could achieve similar results. Even with the compressed timeline, the recovery of motor function exceeds that seen by means of traditional recovery methods. However, the therapy has only been attempted on humans nine times before, and only five of those subjects survived, with only two seeing the full recovery promised by CBM therapists. Needless to say, the procedure carries extreme risk, and Pierno may not even survive, let alone continue playing football.
We were able to sit down with a visibly eager Nicholas Pierno to get his take on the therapy and why he would choose such a risky procedure. “My doctors told me that I would probably never walk again, and I would definitely never play football again,” the young man lamented. “That wasn’t good enough for me. I have unfinished business. I’ve never gotten the chance to prove myself, prove what I’m capable of. Or I guess I just haven’t taken advantage of that chance. Well, now I have a new lease on life, and I’m not going to waste it anymore. You’re going to see a new Nick Pierno. I’m off of Twitter, I’m out of the clubs, I’m finished with rehabs and recoveries. This therapy is going to save my life. And if it doesn’t… Well, I’m willing to take that risk.”
If the CBM Therapy is indeed successful, Pierno should be back on the field in time to kick off the preseason for the Yeti in season seven, as shocking as that sounds to some. The quarterback is optimistic about his chances to get back on the field and turn his struggling Yeti franchise around. “I’m not just trying to get back on the field. I’m going to help us win. However I need to do it, whatever needs to happen, I’m sick of losing, and I’m sick of being a laughingstock. When I get back on the field -- that’s when, not if -- you’re going to see a brand new player. Throw away all the old tape. It won’t do you any good. I’m going to be a monster.”
PIERNO MAKES POSITION SWITCH AFTER RECOVERY ADDS CYBERNETIC IMPLANTS
By Mickendorfer Abbedoninforth
DENVER, CO - After the miraculous recovery by former Yeti quarterback Nicholas Pierno, there were bound to be a few changes to his game. The same therapy that saw him get back into playing shape before the preseason even begins has required some upgrades to key organ and muscle groups. These upgrades come in the form of cybernetic enhancements. In short, the quarterback now has some parts that make him more akin to the offensive line bots than his former, mobile quarterback self. Most of the additions that were required in order to save the young man’s motor functions applied to the upper half of his body. That means significant changes to the way his body operates. It may be easiest to let his doctor explain it.
Doctor Norman Norman was able to speak with us. “What we saw in Nicholas was the complete seizure of motor function in his right arm -- his throwing arm -- that will never be able to be restored with the same finesse and accuracy that he had pre-accident. But we’ve given him some added function in its place: reflexive speed, pain tolerance, and sheer strength have increased, perhaps twofold, over what they were before. The cybernetic enhancements added through Cryobiomechanical Rehabilitative Therapy have changed his functioning, but led to, I think we can agree, an overall improvement over where he would have been had he not undergone the therapy. Changes were also made to his left arm, his core, and both legs, though those changes have been more minor, and function has been enhanced, but within normal capabilities.”
We caught up with Nicholas Pierno to ask him what this all means for him on the field. “As you’ve probably heard, I can’t throw with the same precision I had before. This is super tragic, as I’ve always loved playing quarterback. It’s the position I grew up in, and it’s what every little kid dreams of playing when they make it to the NSFL. But that’s not an option for me anymore. What I do have now that I didn’t before, though, is more strength. I’m so much stronger through my arms and my legs. I’m also heavier, so I’m not as fast. I actually gained about a hundred pounds through the therapy and the enhancements. You can tell just in my physique that I look like a different man. Still sexy, but different.”
“That’s why I’m making the move to defensive tackle. With my newfound strength and weight, and a little bit of the speed that I had before, my coaches and I agree that tackle is where I can make the biggest difference. And let’s be honest, after getting s--- on by the quarterbacks of this league for the last four seasons, it’s about time I bring some payback to their cocky a--es. The first time I hit Mike Boss, he’s gonna be seeing stars. And all those stars are gonna have my face on them. And my face will be laughing.”
By Umber Bumberdunny
PHILADELPHIA, PA - On the morning of March 26, an unresponsive Nicholas Pierno was found on the side of the road in the town of Allentown, Pennsylvania. He was reportedly in town visiting family, when an apparent motorcycle accident saw the young man thrown from the vehicle, presumably at high speed. While police were alerted to the scene at around 6 a.m., the incident is said to have occurred the previous night. No official statement has been made, but police have said that Pierno may have been intoxicated at the time of the accident. As of this report, no lab tests have been made public. The victim is currently in critical but stable condition.
Pierno found fame in recent years as the quarterback for the National Simulation Football League’s Colorado Yeti. He was drafted in the third season of the fledgling organization and met high expectations from day one. Since that time, his struggles both on and off the field have been well documented.
Pierno has had many close calls with the law, dating all the way back to his time in college. Multiple incidents of public intoxication and even one case of assault were alleged while the young man was attending North Carolina State University, but Pierno never served time for any of these comparably minor infractions. His behavior seemed to escalate once joining the NSFL, but again, his alleged crimes went unpunished. Still, numerous stints in rehab have left the quarterback with a questionable reputation. It is yet to be determined whether Pierno’s luck has run out or if he will have the opportunity to get himself on a more productive track.
EXPERIMENTAL THERAPY SEES PIERNO HOPING FOR COMEBACK
By Thistle Storm
LOS ANGELES, CA - Quarterback Nicholas Pierno of the National Simulation Football League has sought out a highly controversial and experimental treatment just days after recovering from a motorcycle accident that almost cost the young man his life. Still rehabbing from the accident outside of his hometown in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, the ever-ambitious athlete decided that he would undergo therapy in order to not just recover, but to restore him into football shape in time for next season. Normally, this kind of timeline would be out of the question given the extent of his injuries, but doctors are confident that, if all goes well, Pierno could be back on the field with his teammates by opening day of season seven.
The therapy is called Cryobiomechanical Rehabilitation Therapy, or CBM, and it is virtually unknown in the United States. Trials in Germany have shown promising results in mammals, with test subjects recovering all major organ and tissue function in a fraction of the time that traditional physical therapy could achieve similar results. Even with the compressed timeline, the recovery of motor function exceeds that seen by means of traditional recovery methods. However, the therapy has only been attempted on humans nine times before, and only five of those subjects survived, with only two seeing the full recovery promised by CBM therapists. Needless to say, the procedure carries extreme risk, and Pierno may not even survive, let alone continue playing football.
We were able to sit down with a visibly eager Nicholas Pierno to get his take on the therapy and why he would choose such a risky procedure. “My doctors told me that I would probably never walk again, and I would definitely never play football again,” the young man lamented. “That wasn’t good enough for me. I have unfinished business. I’ve never gotten the chance to prove myself, prove what I’m capable of. Or I guess I just haven’t taken advantage of that chance. Well, now I have a new lease on life, and I’m not going to waste it anymore. You’re going to see a new Nick Pierno. I’m off of Twitter, I’m out of the clubs, I’m finished with rehabs and recoveries. This therapy is going to save my life. And if it doesn’t… Well, I’m willing to take that risk.”
If the CBM Therapy is indeed successful, Pierno should be back on the field in time to kick off the preseason for the Yeti in season seven, as shocking as that sounds to some. The quarterback is optimistic about his chances to get back on the field and turn his struggling Yeti franchise around. “I’m not just trying to get back on the field. I’m going to help us win. However I need to do it, whatever needs to happen, I’m sick of losing, and I’m sick of being a laughingstock. When I get back on the field -- that’s when, not if -- you’re going to see a brand new player. Throw away all the old tape. It won’t do you any good. I’m going to be a monster.”
PIERNO MAKES POSITION SWITCH AFTER RECOVERY ADDS CYBERNETIC IMPLANTS
By Mickendorfer Abbedoninforth
DENVER, CO - After the miraculous recovery by former Yeti quarterback Nicholas Pierno, there were bound to be a few changes to his game. The same therapy that saw him get back into playing shape before the preseason even begins has required some upgrades to key organ and muscle groups. These upgrades come in the form of cybernetic enhancements. In short, the quarterback now has some parts that make him more akin to the offensive line bots than his former, mobile quarterback self. Most of the additions that were required in order to save the young man’s motor functions applied to the upper half of his body. That means significant changes to the way his body operates. It may be easiest to let his doctor explain it.
Doctor Norman Norman was able to speak with us. “What we saw in Nicholas was the complete seizure of motor function in his right arm -- his throwing arm -- that will never be able to be restored with the same finesse and accuracy that he had pre-accident. But we’ve given him some added function in its place: reflexive speed, pain tolerance, and sheer strength have increased, perhaps twofold, over what they were before. The cybernetic enhancements added through Cryobiomechanical Rehabilitative Therapy have changed his functioning, but led to, I think we can agree, an overall improvement over where he would have been had he not undergone the therapy. Changes were also made to his left arm, his core, and both legs, though those changes have been more minor, and function has been enhanced, but within normal capabilities.”
We caught up with Nicholas Pierno to ask him what this all means for him on the field. “As you’ve probably heard, I can’t throw with the same precision I had before. This is super tragic, as I’ve always loved playing quarterback. It’s the position I grew up in, and it’s what every little kid dreams of playing when they make it to the NSFL. But that’s not an option for me anymore. What I do have now that I didn’t before, though, is more strength. I’m so much stronger through my arms and my legs. I’m also heavier, so I’m not as fast. I actually gained about a hundred pounds through the therapy and the enhancements. You can tell just in my physique that I look like a different man. Still sexy, but different.”
“That’s why I’m making the move to defensive tackle. With my newfound strength and weight, and a little bit of the speed that I had before, my coaches and I agree that tackle is where I can make the biggest difference. And let’s be honest, after getting s--- on by the quarterbacks of this league for the last four seasons, it’s about time I bring some payback to their cocky a--es. The first time I hit Mike Boss, he’s gonna be seeing stars. And all those stars are gonna have my face on them. And my face will be laughing.”
![[Image: cHAD.jpg]](https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/319945672310784010/405609245862658059/cHAD.jpg)
Jurisprudence Jones, OL ![[Image: cYhSwFY.png]](https://i.imgur.com/cYhSwFY.png)
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