16. For some reason, a bank decided that it would be a good idea to allow us to exchange our ISFL fake money to real life currency. Why? Maybe they want to make a player but don’t want to do the work for it. So the first thing I would do is EXCHANGE ALL OF IT. Congratulations banks, you just broke the economy. I’m now a millionaire and I can buy whatever I want to. First thing I buy is a computer, and not some janky chromebook, and actual computer that can do actual computer things. What are those things? I don’t know I don’t own a computer. But I do know that this computer will help me earn even more money in the ISFL, which I would then quickly exchange for even more real life money. I quit school to become a full time ISFL content creator. Every word I type is now worth a minimum of 725 dollars. Now that I make millions of dollars per hour, I make it rain. I buy a house. I buy an island, I buy a yacht. I donate massive amounts of money to various charities, because why not. I’m basically getting free money. The ISFL quickly becomes the best thing since sliced bread, and it has 17.4 billion active users. Because of this, hunger is eradicated, cancer cured, and sadness is a thing of the past. Now that I think of it this should happen, not just for me but for my would be money as well.
19. BREAKING NEWS: Local frog smashes world record cube time.
Last Sunday, local frog and football star Joseph Petrongolo attended a national speed cubing event in Western Berlin, where he decided he would attempt a world record attempt at fastest time to solve a 3x3 Rubik’s Cube. As the crowd of more than 3 people watched on, Joseph Petrongolo lifted the cover of his Rubik’s cube to reveal a cube, scrambled by a robot, that was somehow just one turn from being completed. One onlooker said “Why am I here when I could be sleeping.” Petrongolo picked up the Rubik’s Cube, turned it once, and set it down in 0.23 seconds, breaking the previous world record of 3.47 seconds held by Yusheng Du. Some critics call it “rigged”, “a publicity stunt”, and one king even claimed that he could do it faster. But in the end, the solve was verified and currently sits in the world record books more than 3 seconds faster than any solve previously done by a non-robot. When asked about the feat afterwards, Joseph Petrongolo said “pog” and then hopped into his car and drove to his practice for the Berlin Fire Salamanders, where he declared himself a god and ascended to the heavens. More on this story coming up at 11.
25. Ultimus 28. The Berlin Fire Salamanders win a decisive game over the Chicago Butchers, 78-2. The crowd is going absolutely bonkers. Black, red, white, and yellow confetti rains down on the players. Reporters flock to the player who has scored the game winning 77 point touchdown as time expired, the best running back to ever have existed on the Fire Salamanders, Joseph Petrongolo. They all want to know one specific thing, the one question, how is this frog going to celebrate his victory? He responds: “Well, I’ve wanted to say this all my life. I’M GOING TO DISNEY... plus.” That’s right, covid cancelled the actual Disney World, so the entire Berlin squad is going back to Petrongolo’s house in Frankfurt to sit in front of a projector playing kids movies while 6 foot tall, 300 pound men sing along to their childhood favorites, like Let It Go. For some reason, we don’t doubt this and actually think that even if covid wasn’t a thing, this is exactly how the team would celebrate anyway. Of course, Petrongolo lives in a 3-square foot hole in the ground, so this event is actually taking place in Joseph’s front yard, which is the entirety of the woods surrounding his house.
29. I feel like this prompt is directly geared to me. The newest award being introduced into the league is now the Offensive Joe of the Year award, as well as the Defensive Joe of the Year award. Now, I know what you’re thinking while reading this: “wow this is such an amazing idea, why didn’t I think of this” and the answer is because I’m just better. A whole award geared specifically to players named Joe? What could possibly go wrong. Joe is such an amazing name and it deserves to be honoured above all the other names with this very special award. Less players have earned this award than are in the Tijuana locker room, that’s how you know it’s exclusive. This award should immediately be implemented into the line up for this upcoming season. Why? It would cause an influx of new players who have the name Joe somewhere in them. This is the best decision that could possibly be made, because studies show that 99 percent of people named Joe are very wholesome and cool people. Sure, you get a bad egg every once in a while. JoeK is a stunning example of this. But at the rate new Joe’s would be joining the league, it wouldn’t even matter. I haven’t even gotten to the best part of this award yet. You don’t even have to be active to win it! That’s right, did you join the league and a Joe, and then realize you didn’t actually feel that Joe falling deep down inside? Well not to worry! You can feel free to sit back, go IA, and still win more awards than the average not-joe, because sim bad and IAs are good sometimes for some reason. Congratulations, you’ve won an award for being named Joe, the award we didn’t know we wanted but now could never live without.
19. BREAKING NEWS: Local frog smashes world record cube time.
Last Sunday, local frog and football star Joseph Petrongolo attended a national speed cubing event in Western Berlin, where he decided he would attempt a world record attempt at fastest time to solve a 3x3 Rubik’s Cube. As the crowd of more than 3 people watched on, Joseph Petrongolo lifted the cover of his Rubik’s cube to reveal a cube, scrambled by a robot, that was somehow just one turn from being completed. One onlooker said “Why am I here when I could be sleeping.” Petrongolo picked up the Rubik’s Cube, turned it once, and set it down in 0.23 seconds, breaking the previous world record of 3.47 seconds held by Yusheng Du. Some critics call it “rigged”, “a publicity stunt”, and one king even claimed that he could do it faster. But in the end, the solve was verified and currently sits in the world record books more than 3 seconds faster than any solve previously done by a non-robot. When asked about the feat afterwards, Joseph Petrongolo said “pog” and then hopped into his car and drove to his practice for the Berlin Fire Salamanders, where he declared himself a god and ascended to the heavens. More on this story coming up at 11.
25. Ultimus 28. The Berlin Fire Salamanders win a decisive game over the Chicago Butchers, 78-2. The crowd is going absolutely bonkers. Black, red, white, and yellow confetti rains down on the players. Reporters flock to the player who has scored the game winning 77 point touchdown as time expired, the best running back to ever have existed on the Fire Salamanders, Joseph Petrongolo. They all want to know one specific thing, the one question, how is this frog going to celebrate his victory? He responds: “Well, I’ve wanted to say this all my life. I’M GOING TO DISNEY... plus.” That’s right, covid cancelled the actual Disney World, so the entire Berlin squad is going back to Petrongolo’s house in Frankfurt to sit in front of a projector playing kids movies while 6 foot tall, 300 pound men sing along to their childhood favorites, like Let It Go. For some reason, we don’t doubt this and actually think that even if covid wasn’t a thing, this is exactly how the team would celebrate anyway. Of course, Petrongolo lives in a 3-square foot hole in the ground, so this event is actually taking place in Joseph’s front yard, which is the entirety of the woods surrounding his house.
29. I feel like this prompt is directly geared to me. The newest award being introduced into the league is now the Offensive Joe of the Year award, as well as the Defensive Joe of the Year award. Now, I know what you’re thinking while reading this: “wow this is such an amazing idea, why didn’t I think of this” and the answer is because I’m just better. A whole award geared specifically to players named Joe? What could possibly go wrong. Joe is such an amazing name and it deserves to be honoured above all the other names with this very special award. Less players have earned this award than are in the Tijuana locker room, that’s how you know it’s exclusive. This award should immediately be implemented into the line up for this upcoming season. Why? It would cause an influx of new players who have the name Joe somewhere in them. This is the best decision that could possibly be made, because studies show that 99 percent of people named Joe are very wholesome and cool people. Sure, you get a bad egg every once in a while. JoeK is a stunning example of this. But at the rate new Joe’s would be joining the league, it wouldn’t even matter. I haven’t even gotten to the best part of this award yet. You don’t even have to be active to win it! That’s right, did you join the league and a Joe, and then realize you didn’t actually feel that Joe falling deep down inside? Well not to worry! You can feel free to sit back, go IA, and still win more awards than the average not-joe, because sim bad and IAs are good sometimes for some reason. Congratulations, you’ve won an award for being named Joe, the award we didn’t know we wanted but now could never live without.