*Check It Out with Doctor Steve Brule: Thanksgiving Foods

HalfEatenOnionBagel

Check It Out with Doctor Steve Brule
Season 5 Episode 7
Thanksgiving Foods

Scene 1:

[The camera pans in to Dr. Steve Brule in his usual studio with a table of food. Brule is looking and talking towards a different camera, or at least where he thinks another camera should be. He quickly turns around to face the correct camera.]

“Whoa, hey didn’t see you there, pardner.” (Pretends to ride a horse and makes a neighing sound) “Uh so I was just talking about uh…..what was I talking abou-“

(Feed cuts out, then cuts back in about 7 seconds later. The camera takes a second to focus on Brule again)

“Froods. We eat them. And some foods that come from Mother Nature, you can just eat whenever you want. Um like this podado.”

(He picks up a potato from the table and takes a monster bite out of it)

“That hits the spot!” (coughs) “But some foods you gotta cook them before you eat them. Like this box of spaghettios.”

(Brule picks up a box of pasta from the table and just bites into it. He starts coughing up dry spaghetti pieces and carboard)

“Aggghhh whooaaa that’s got some bite to it. Raw spaghetti. See some foods you gotta cook them before you eat them or they can hurt you.“ (spits up more spaghetti) “But cooking food isn’t just about making food taste good, it’s fun and you can learn stuff”

“She was a very nice lady…..konichiwawa. See food can help you learn, talk about brain food!” (Brule does a goofy smile into the camera for an uncomfortable amount of time)

“Well I’m a doctor so I like learning and I like eating. So today I’m gonna learn about some of the tastiest food out there, Thanksgriving food. Mashed podadoes, turkey, stuffins, maybe an apple pie wowee. And I’m gonna learn from some of my new friends, the Czargyros Brothers. So let’s go....but first....”

(Brule reaches for a huge plate of spaghetti and meatballs on the table and slurps some up, getting sauce all over his face)

(Starts talking again, mouth full of spaghetti) “Cooked spaghetti. Now that’s the good stuff, mama mia. I’m taking some for the road.”

(Brule immediately trips and falls face first into the plate of spaghetti)

[End scene]

Scene 2:

[Camera shot outside a very nice suburban home. It’s a 3 story house with 4 nice cars in the driveway. Steve Brule enters the frame walking up the sidewalk and up the steps to the front door. He’s wearing his usual suit and appears to be carrying some kind of large thermos]

[The camera shot switches to the inside of the home, in the main foyer. The camera is focused on the front door. Steve Brule opens the front door]

SB: “HONEY I’M HOME!!!” (Pauses like he’s waiting for the applause track in a sitcom)

[A woman’s voice is heard from offscreen. It sounds flustered and the sound of the voice and footsteps are getting louder as someone is approaching. Steve Brule appears very excited in anticipation. The woman finally arrives and sees Steve and then notices the camera equipment and looks around in confusion]

Mama: “What in tarnation…”

(Brule goes to hug the woman)

SB: “Mama, Happy Thanksgiving! Now where are those hunky brothers?”

(Mama steps back before he can hug her)

Mama: “BOYS! GET. IN. HERE.”

(Loud rumbling is heard offscreen and in a moment the Czargyros brothers appear on screen)

Brule: “GOBBLE GROBBLE” (Brule goes to tickle Morpheus)

Morpheus: “Oh hell no”

(Orpheus turns to the camera and puts his hand over it)
Orpheus: “Man, turn that shit off”

[The camera feed cuts out]

[When the camera turns back on, the Czargyros brothers and Brule have their backs turned to it, but their loud whispers can be heard]

Morpheus: “You can’t….you can’t just show up anytime you want man. What did you think?”

Orpheus: “Look you gotta go, Mama is already pissed”

Brule: “But I already told my mommy I couldn’t come to Thanksgiving cause of this. Please just one little turkey time.”

(Morpheus and Orpheus look at each other and sigh)

Morpheus: “Alright but next time you’re out of here, no questions”

(The three enter the kitchen. Mama is in the kitchen dicing potatoes. A bunch of food is out on the counter.)

Orpheus: “Mama, this is our….friend, Steve. I think there was some confusion but I think we got enough room right? Dorpheus probably won’t even be here for dinner.”

(Mama wipes off the knife she’s working with and sets it down, then wipes her hands on her apron)

Mama: “Boys, you know I don’t appreciate surprises, especially on a holiday. But a friend is always welcome in this house. As long as he helps me with some of this cooking. And look if your sister does show up, you’re the one explaining all this to her.”

(Mama goes to turn around and start cooking again but pauses for a moment)

Mama: “Oh and turn that camera off.”

(When Mama’s back is turned again, Steve Brule motions to Denny to keep filming anyways. The brothers just shake their heads and go back to helping their mom)

Brule: “Yeah just put the camera down over there, Denny” (giggles, then claps his hands) “Ok so what have we got for this Thanksgiving freast?? Maybe a partridge in a pear tree, yum yum. Oh my goodness I forgot I brought something to share here a nice beverage”

(Brule sets the thermos on the counter)

Orpheus: “Ok now we’re talking what have we got here??”

Brule: “Very healthy, very natural, Crumbutcha”

Morpheus: “Holy shit, that’s my jam, pour me some of that.”

(Morpheus produces 4 glasses and puts them on the counter. Steve Brule pours some of the liquid into the glasses. It’s a very thick, dark liquid. He takes a deep gulp and the sip leaves a dark brown mustache on his lip.)

Morpheus: “Bottoms up!”

(Morpheus takes barely a sip before he coughs it up and drops his glass)

Morpheus: “That’s awful, that just tastes like warm mud”

Brule: “Isn’t that what Crumbutcha is?”

Morpheus: “NO!”

(Morpheus grabs the thermos and chucks it out the open kitchen window)

Orpheus: “Just…here just cut up some of these potatoes”

Brule: “Oh are we making some of those famous srizzling fajitas?

(Orpheus looks at him very perplexed)

Orpheus: “No, they’re for mashed…..potatoes”

(Nobody seems to be paying attention to Brule at this point. He looks around and picks up the biggest knife he sees to cut potatoes with)

Brule: (looking directly into the camera) “Now this is a knife”

(Brule starts wildly chopping potatoes, clearly not knowing exactly what he’s doing. Suddenly he cuts his finger pretty badly)

Brule: “GAHHH”

Morpheus: “What is going on over there, just cut the damn potatoes”

Brule: “I uh forgot more food at the car!”

(Brule sprints out of the house and to his car with the knife still in hand. When he gets there he very poorly wraps up his hand, it’s clearly still bleeding a ton. He also pops open his trunk and we see there’s a bag of shrimp and a box of taquitos)

Brule: “I was always saving these for a special occasion.” (raises and lowers eyebrows a few times)

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[End Scene]

Scene 3:

[Brule re-enters the house and goes back towards the kitchen but then hears a sound coming from another room and heads that way instead. When he enters the room he sees a mountain of a man, about a foot taller than either of the Czargyros brothers sitting in a recliner. He’s watching football and cussing at the TV. He notices Brule come into the room and greets him with a warm smile.]

The Big Czar: “AH YOU MUST BE THE BOYS’ FRIEND. WELCOME, HEY TAKE A SEAT. YOU CAN CALL ME THE BIG CZAR, AT LEAST THAT’S WHAT EVERYONE CALLS ME. OHH WHAT YOU GOT THERE? SHRIMP?!”

(The Big Czar snatches the shrimp from Brule. He can feel how warm it is, considering it has been sitting in the car trunk for an unknown amount of time)

The Big Czar: “OHHHH FRESH STEAMED TOO”

(He begins to dig in to the shrimp. Brule turns to the camera)

Brule: “See, food brings us all together. Even this big hunkster here.”

(The Big Czar just continues to eat shrimp while Brule watches the TV in silence. Orpheus enters the room about a minute later)

Orpheus: “Steve, there you are what happened man there’s blood an-“

The Big Czar: “HEY ORPH YOUR FRIEND HERE IS GREAT. REAL FINE GUY, REAL FINE GUY. SAY WHY HASN’T HE COME FOR EVERY HOLIDAY HAHAHAHA. LOOK AT THIS HE BROUGHT SHRIMP!”

Brule: (Looking very pleased) “And taquitos”

The Big Czar: (mouth full of shrimp) “ORPH FIRE UP THOSE TAQUITOS PRONTO”

(Orpheus grabs the box of taquitos, looks at the back of it and walks out of the room. The camera pans to follow him and you can see him throw the box in the trash)

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[End Scene]

Scene 4:

[The camera is centered on the family dining table. Everyone is seated around the table except for The Big Czar. We see him finally entering the room carrying a large ham on a tray and a knife.]

TBC: “WELL I’M NOT SURE WHERE MY GOOD CARVING KNIFE WENT”

(We see steve brule carefully tucking the knife he used earlier into his suit jacket. We also notice he’s trying to hide his wrapped up hand underneath the table)

TBC: “WELL THAT’S OK. I STILL WANTED THOSE TAQUITOS TOO, ORPH, BUT HEY WE MAKE DUE WITH WHAT WE GOT.”

Mama: “Hon, we still need to say grace. Steve, you’re our guest why don’t you say a prayer for us?”

SB: “Umm ok.” (clears throat) “Dear Jingus…”

(Orpheus and Morpheus look at each other nervously)

SB: “….we just thank you for this frood and this hunky family. I see there’s not turkeyyyy though here on this table but please forgive them. Please tell my mommy I am sorry I did not come for Thanksgiving. Also for Chrimbus I really want a football so I can practice and be lik-”

Morpheus: “Ok what is this?!”

Mama: “Morphy sit down and let him finish”

Brule: (Stands up and points bloody hand at Morpheus. As he does so the bandage falls off and his hand just starts bleeding everywhere) “Yeah boy watch your manners.”

Mama: “Ohh child have you lost your damn mind, cause I’ll help you find it.”

Morpheus: “Steve, what the fuck”

The Big Czar: (Burps from other side of the table) “OHH BOY, HERE COMES THE SHRIMP” (He gets up to get out of the dining room but doesn’t make it before he vomits the rotten shrimp everywhere)

Steve Brule: (looking at the camera) “Hunk couldn’t handle the spicy shrimp”

(Orpheus and Morpheus get up and move toward Brule)

Orpheus and Morpheus: “GET OUT”

Brule: “Ok but I’m taking one for the road”

(Brule quickly grabs a bowl of mashed potatoes and moves towards the front door. As he turns the large knife in his pocket slices through the jacket and his pants. The sliced pants fall down around his ankles and he trips over them landing face first in the bowl of mashed potatoes. He’s still laying on the ground but picks his head up which is now completely covered in mashed potatoes. He removes his glasses so we can only basically see his eyes amongst the mashed potatoes. He’s staring into the camera cross-eyed)

Brule: “Check please!”

[End Scene]

Scene 5:

[We’re back in the studio from the start of the program, and we see Brule turn back towards the camera after looking away from a TV where the video of the Thanksgiving dinner was playing]

“Those really were some goooooood podadoes. Can’t wait for Chrimbus time, candy canes”

(Steve Brule starts to walk down the steps to the side of the stage. The camera pans over and we see a set up that looks like the stage for a cooking show)

“But those turkeys didn’t even have a real Thanksigivng cause there was no turkey. Today I’m gonna show you how to make one of my favorite Thanksgiving foods, my Aunty Mandy’s Turkey Pot Pie. Now some of you might be saying what about chicken pot pie. Well you dummies this is Thanksgiving so you don’t have chicken, unless you are Jewish so you don’t celebrate Thanksgiving and you just go to the movies. At least that’s what my mommy told me.”

(Brule walks behind the counter and puts on an apron) “Safety first” (Brule gives a goofy grin to the camera and then pulls out a fully cooked turkey)

“Now you just take your favorite part of the turkey and just cut that up for the pie.”

(Brule chops off just the turkey neck and throws the rest of the turkey off screen)

“Now it’s ok to improvise when you cook, that’s part of being a master chef. Aunt Mandy says here to use vegetables but if I wanna play frootball and be a hunk, I don’t need those veggies.”

(Brule chucks the bowl of veggies offscreen too and we hear glass smashing)

“Now we just take this nice pie crust Denny made for us and we put the turkey in there and make it into a pie.”

(Brule is clearly messing the whole thing up and instead of looking like a pie, it just looks like a ball of pie crust wrapped around the turkey neck)

“Phew that was hard work” (Brule grabs the same Thermos we saw him take to the Czargyros Thanksgiving dinner and takes a drink from it again, and again we see his mouth is stained brown. He then takes the ‘pie’ and puts it into the oven)

“Bon apetit!” (Brule walks away and the camera stays focused on the oven. We see smoke starting to come out after a few minutes and Brule rushes back in)

“Oh God, Denny get the fire extinguisher.” (Brule opens the oven and more smoke pours out. He grabs the pan out of the oven but having forgotten to put on oven mitts he burns himself and throws the pan in the air.) “Ah shit”

(Denny comes running in spraying the fire extinguisher wildly, making a mess but eventually putting the fire out)

(Steve Brule composes himself and looks at the camera. The pie ball is sitting next to him on the counter)

“See that’s how you improvise, chefs at home. Now we got smoke turkey pie. How about them apples. Apple pie”

(Brule picks up the pie ball, and we see some of the fire extinguisher foam drip off of the opposite end. He takes a huge bite but burns himself as it’s still hot)

“Oh fuc-“

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[Image: tumblr_m8761e5X7N1rt8i4vo1_400.gifv]

FOR YOUR HEALTH

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BONUS: Amanda's Poultry Pot Pie Recipe

*Author's Note 1: This is not my recipe, but I do follow it for the most part when I make pot pie, my notes from my personal experience are in parentheses. When @captjanko or I tweet about pot pie, we are making this recipe that day. I almost always just use chicken but I will be making turkey pot pie with thanksgiving leftovers you bet your bippy.

*Author's Note 2: I have no idea who the fuck Amanda is

CUBED TURKEY OR CHICKEN WITH MIXED VEGETABLES IN A THICKENED VEGETABLE BROTH TOPPED WITH A PIE CRUST AND BAKED TO MAKE A 6 (I mean really 2.......) SERVING POT PIE

THIS RECIPE MAY BE DOUBLED IF DESIRED (or tripled, quadrupled)

INGREDIENTS:

- 1/4 cup chopped uncooked onions
- 2 cups frozen mixed vegetables
- 1.5 cups vegetable or chicken broth
- 1/4 tsp (that's teaspoon not ten square pounds) table salt
- 1/8 tsp pepper (I put more like a 1/4)
- 1 serving frozen pie crust thawed (you can use 2 if you want your pie to have a bottom but I usually just put the top crust. Just make sure to put the bottom crust in the pan beforehand ya dingus)
- 1 lb. cooked chicken or turkey (gotta be cooked before doing anything else in the recipe, hence why this is good for leftovers. Season that chicken with salt and pepper before you cook it though)
- 3 Tbsp cream cheese (a critical ingredient)
- Corn Starch (variable amount, just have it on hand)
- Olive Oil

DIRECTIONS:

1) Preheat oven to 350 Degrees Fahrenheit (177 C for my metric master race peeps)

2) Put a splash of olive oil in a large deep frying pan and put the pan over medium heat

3) Add onions and cook 4-5 minutes until translucent

4) Meanwhile cook frozen vegetables in the microwave and then drain (I ahve actually added this step cause cooking frozen vegetables on the stove with other ingredients created too much liquid)

5) Add turkey, broth, cooked vegetabls to the pan and cook another 5 minutes

6) Add cream cheese and simmer until the mixture starts to thicken

7) Add corn starch about 1 tbsp at a time and stir to thicken mixture to the right consistency. (You don't want it to be a soup, you don't want it to be like a bowl of jell-o. Correct consistency is like a roux I guess)

8) Spoon mixture into a pie pan and place pie crust on top, sealing the edges

9) Bake for 30 minutes. Pie should be browned on top and flaky. Let stand for 5-10 minutes before serving

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From the Czargyros Family to yours, have a Happy Thanksgiving y’all!!