Purdy Mediocre RB
Leonardo McTurtle #69 LB Retired
03-21-2022, 08:10 PM
(This post was last modified: 03-21-2022, 08:11 PM by HalfEatenOnionBagel. Edited 1 time in total.)
You think money just grows on trees do you? Well of course it doesn't, everyone knows that. But look football teams don't just print money either, that's a myth. TV deals? Are you kidding me? When was the last time you saw ISFL on TV? This ain't the SFL with it's fancy conference at La Quinta and TV deal with Channel 974 or whatever. That might also just be the Jazz channel. Hey by the way, Jazz Station on youtube, great place to meet hot singles in your area. I'll give you that tip for free. But that's besides the point. No, the way that we actually make money around here, I'll let you in on a secret. It's not ticket sales or concessions or parking. The real secret: Merchandising! Come I'll show you, open up this door. Come walk this way, take a look. We put the team's name on everything! Merchandising, merchandising! Where the real money from the team is made. SaberCats the t-shirt. SaberCats the coloring book. SaberCats the lunchbox. SaberCats the breakfast cereal. SaberCats the flamethrower! The kids love this one. Last but not least, SaberCats the doll, me. (Orpheus picks up a toy that looks just like him and pulls the string on its back. The doll proceeds to say "fuck this sim") Adorable.
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[OPTION]Regular Season Stats
[OPTION](S2) 14 Games Played
[OPTION](S3) 14 Games Played
[OPTION](S4) 14 Games Played
[OPTION](S5) 14 Games Played
[OPTION](S6) 14 Games Played
[OPTION](S7) 14 Games Played
[OPTION](S8) 14 Games Played
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[OPTION]Playoff Stats
[OPTION] 27839
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[OPTION]Trophy Case/Achievements:
[OPTION]Most Likely to Break the Team Bench When Sitting Down
[OPTION]Pumpkin Chuckin' Rally 2017 Semifinalist
[OPTION]Most Likely to Get Traded in S8 (T-1st)
[OPTION]Ultimus Champion S7, S8
You’re asking a player who is more or less merchandise what would be some good merchandising opportunities? Toys of course! As the reigning champions, the Baltimore Hawks are already in a position to capitalize and bring in some younger fans who are deciding on their team for the rest of their lives. Let’s build on that and get some merchandise for that demographic while also adding some more friends for the band of toys Sheriff Woody likes to hang out with. A plush golden hawk is an excellent place to start. Get folks on board with the culture of the franchise. A toy size football so that kids can play catch with their toys and get new toys involved in the sport. For the Woody superfans out there, lets get a Baltimore themed cowboy hat. Bright yellow with the hawks with flags marching around the brim. For parents concerned with concussions if their child becomes a football player, try the newest toy in our lineup, toddler’s first uprights. The only place to get your child on the path of an NFL kicker, one of the safest positions in football.
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[OPTION]DSFL Regular Season Stats [OPTION] Tackles: 106 [OPTION] TFLs: 7 [OPTION] FF/FR: 1/1 [OPTION] Sacks: 3 [OPTION] Interceptions: 3 [OPTION] Pass Deflections: 9 [OPTION] Touchdowns: 1
[OPTION]=========================================== [OPTION]DSFL Playoff Stats [OPTION] Tackles: 25 [OPTION] TFLs: 0 [OPTION] FF/FR: 1/0 [OPTION] Sacks: 3 [OPTION] Interceptions: 0 [OPTION] Pass Deflections: 2 [OPTION]===========================================
[OPTION]ISFL Regular Season Stats [OPTION] Tackles: 78 [OPTION] TFLs: 5 [OPTION] FF/FR: 1/2 [OPTION] Sacks: 8 [OPTION] Interceptions: 1 [OPTION] Pass Deflections: 8 [OPTION] Touchdowns: 0 [OPTION] Receptions: 419
[OPTION] Receiving Yards: 3681
[OPTION] Receiving Touchdowns: 25
[OPTION] Kick Return Yards: 5367
[OPTION] Kick Return TDs: 1 [OPTION] Punt Return Yards: 1651 [OPTION] Punt Return TDs: 5 [OPTION] Pancakes: 242 [OPTION]===========================================
[OPTION]ISFL Postseason Stats [OPTION] Rushing Yards: 926 [OPTION] Yards per Carry: 4.56 [OPTION] Rushing Touchdowns: 7 [OPTION] Receptions: 44 [OPTION] Receiving Yards: 408 [OPTION] Receiving Touchdowns: 4 [OPTION] Kick Return Yards: 653 [OPTION] Kick Return TDs: 0 [OPTION] Punt Return Yards: 192 [OPTION] Punt Return TDs: 0 [OPTION] Pancakes: 28 [OPTION]=========================================== [OPTION]Trophy Case/Achievements: [OPTION] S15 DSFL RBotY [OPTION] S15 DSFL MVP [OPTION] S16 Pro Bowler (RB) [OPTION] S17 Pro Bowler (RB) [OPTION] S18 RBotY [OPTION] S18 PERotY [OPTION] S18 OPotY [OPTION] S18 Pro Bowler (RB)
[OPTION] S19 Pro Bowler (RB & Returner)
[OPTION] S20 Pro Bowler (RB & Returner)
[OPTION] S21 Pro Bowler (OFlex & Returner)
[OPTION] S21 Ultimus Champion
[OPTION] S21 Ultimus MVP
[OPTION] S22 Pro Bowler (RB & Returner)
[OPTION] Most Rushing TDs in a DSFL season (S15, 20)
[OPTION] 3rd Most Rushing TDs in a DSFL season (S14, 18) [OPTION] 5th Most Career Rushing Yards
[OPTION] 9th Most Career Rushing TDs
[OPTION] 7th Most Career Scrimmage Yards
[OPTION] 8th Most Career Scrimmage TDs
[OPTION] 5th Most Career Punt Return TDs
[OPTION] 5th Most Career All-Purpose Yards
[OPTION] 8th Most Career All-Purpose TDs
[OPTION] 4th Most Career Postseason Rushing Yards
[OPTION] 2nd Most Career Postseason Rushing TDs
[OPTION] 2nd Most Career Postseason Scrimmage Yards
[OPTION] 2nd Most Career Postseason Scrimmage TDs [OPTION] 10th Most Career Postseason Kick Return Yards
[OPTION] 7th Most Career Postseason Punt Return Yards
[OPTION] 2nd Most Career Postseason All-Purpose Yards
[OPTION] 2nd Most Career Postseason All-Purpose TDs
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Baltimore Hawks have a unique situation. They're recent ISFL Ultimus Champions and fans are clamoring for championship merchandise. Fortunately, the Hawks' brain trust has come together and asked Morpheus to spearhead their efforts to get unique championship merchandise in fans' hands. Morpheus is pleased to announce the Baltimore Hawks Ultimus Championship Cookbook! Within these pages, read the recipes Morpheus followed when cooking for the Championship winning Defensive Line. Recipes include: Fajitas, Shrimp Tacos, Miner's Pie, Gabagool, Stuffed Mushrooms, Spaghetti and Meatballs, Chicken Pot Pie, and many many more! Many of these recipes come from Mama Czargyros, others from the comments of New York Times Cooking. Included with each recipe are Morpheus' pairings. These pairings include music to listen to and which beer to drink while cooking. For example, nothing pairs better with cooking Chicken Pot Pie than drinking a dark stout while listening to MF Doom. Buy the Baltimore Hawks Ultimus Championship Cookbook today for the ultimate culinary experience!
If you can't see the obvious marketing opportunity available to the Portland Pythons then I've got news for you. Not only do you lack the spirit of an entreupeneur, you also clearly lack any imagination. What we have here are bright green condoms, with a forked tongue and a striped appearance. We offer them free at games initially before pushing them into our restrooms and our concessions stands. We could also potentially use them as balloons to offset the cost of actually paying for balloons. I give you, the Portland Python Pickle Penetration Protector. No more will your wee man be left to fend for himself. It takes all 11 men out there to make a difference. Let us be your defensive co-ordinator, your face cage. You wouldn't send your star player out there unprotected, so don't! We've got you covered, from kick off to the final whistle, stay safe with the Portland Python Pickle Penetration Protector.
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