Quote:1. The Season 39 Ultimus and Ultimini have officially come to an end. Congratulations to the the Kansas City Coyotes and Yellowknife Wraiths for each winning their respective championships. How did each of the finalists in either the Ultimus or Ultimini arrive at the playoffs? Were there any teams that surprised or disappointed during the playoffs? Did the outcome of either championship game surprise you at all?
First of all, congratulations to the Yellowknife Wraiths, officially the league's first champion to only become the best after the subsequent draft because they selected the league's eventual greatest player named Detective Crashmore of all time (me). Sadly we're already off-topic and I'm out of ideas to keep things there, so let's talk about the prompt thing, I guess. How did the Wraiths arrive in the playoffs? I believe that many who answer this question will reply with something generic, like "they had one of the best defenses in league history" or "they were one of the best teams in league history" or start talking about their point differential or game planning or some other useless drivel. All wrong. At this point you've obviously taken the bait and are saying to yourself "Oh, yeah. I'm sure you're sooo smart, spec. Please, use your infinite wisdom to tell us the true answer". First of all, don't patronize me. Second of all, I am obviously intelligent to know that you're being sarcastic, but you should be asking in earnest, because my answer will take your breath away. We'll get to it later though. Never give away anything good for free, I always say sometimes. For now, why don't we take a long and pedantic look at the Wraiths' sixteen game schedule this year and explain, in excruciating detail, "how they arrived in the playoffs". The Wraiths came out of the gates firing, with a 44-13 win over the Berlin Fire Salamanders. Second only to the New Orleans Second Line in terms of my favorite team names at this moment, on account of the extra word count. Yellowknife allowed under 300 total yards to their opponent, while touchdown merchant Kumquat Archipelago rushed for two scores and added another through the air. At this point I could probably just copy the last couple of lines and paste them, only bothering to change the opponent's team name and the score, but I'm not going to phone this one in. Game two featured the first of what would become a three-game shutout streak, with a 40-0 win over the Colorado Yeti. Opponent yards: 163, Kumquat Archipelago touchdowns: 3. See what I'm saying. Moving on, though, they saw another shutout against the newly rebranded Cape Town Crash, treating South Africa to exactly the level of American football they earned in that relocation, winning 26-0. Opponent yards: 264, Archipelago touchdowns: 2. A real deviation in this one. They nearly broke a sweat. The next week? 28-0 against the Hawks. At this point I'm going to pause to say that I'm legitimately impressed because in my 30-something seasons in this league I'm not sure I've ever seen a team shutout three teams in a season, much less three in a row. Back to the Hawks though - Opponent yards: 203, Archipelago touchdowns: 1. A troubling trend for Kumquat, but something tells me he won't suffer through this drought for long. In week five the Wraiths finally faced a real opponent in Sarasota, still winning 37-34. They allowed a staggering 436 yards, but Archipelago scored two more touchdowns, and all was right with the world. You've probably sensed the general theme, so let's fast forward to a couple of highlights. Enter the Chicago Butchers, week 7. Yellowknife dominates in a 62-14 victory. They allow just 252 yards and Kumqaut hits pay dirt three more times. In week 12 the Wraiths wisely realize that they're about to hit their wins limit - you only have so many per year, as we all know, so they throw a game to Berlin, 34-12. Nobody pays any attention. They close out with two more losses - both irrelevant. They had to save their last two wins for the playoffs. They spent them expertly, obliterating Chicago yet again, 48-27, then suffocating the Outlaws, 34-6. I'm sure you can guess the theme of the Ultimus. Yes, you guessed it, they allowed very few yards and Archipelago scored a bunch of times. Now for the big reveal. Surely nobody is still reading at this point, if they ever even started. How did the Wraiths arrive at this point? They won more games, more often than their opponents. That's all it takes to win an Ultimus, kids. Maybe some of you should give it a try! Too bad you'll have to read this garbage to figure it out.