+- International Simulation Football League (https://forums.sim-football.com)
+-- Forum: Community (https://forums.sim-football.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=5)
+--- Forum: Media (https://forums.sim-football.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=37)
+---- Forum: Graded Articles (https://forums.sim-football.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=38)
+---- Thread: *Bobby Meets a Violent Criminal (/showthread.php?tid=20518)
*Bobby Meets a Violent Criminal - Memento Mori - 03-28-2020
Memento Mori Wrote:This is Bobby's fourth interview, the fifth part of a series in which an extremely British reporter interviews people associated with the DSFL/NSFL. You can read the intro piece that sets up the premise here. Bobby has previously interviewed Thomas Passmann of the Tijuana Luchadores, William Alexander of the Minnesota Grey Ducks and Zamir Kehla of the Portland Pythons. For graders: split the pay 50/50 between myself and @dahayn. The main body is 1993 words.
Bobby wasted no time in checking in at Portland International Airport, desperate to leave the militant vegan city and it’s disappointing cups of tea behind. The email that Giles had sent him with the e-tickets attached said he was headed to Charlotte Douglas International Airport, where he’d fly to Myrtle Beach in South Carolina to interview a player for the Myrtle Beach Buccaneers. Bobby wondered who Charlotte Douglas was, and if he might get a chance to meet her.
Bobby was excited to visit Myrtle Beach, as he’d heard plenty of NSFL media chatter about how Myrtle Beach was the “best beach”. He set aside some time after the interview to visit the seafront - any seaside destination that considered itself better then Blackpool was surely worth exploring. If Myrtle Beach could rival the world-renowned Blackpool Pleasure Beach, perhaps his stay across the pond might be more bearable.
As he killed time in the departures lounge, Bobby decided to research his next interviewee. It was Leeroy Jenkins, a wide receiver for the Buccaneers in the DSFL. He began by entering his name into his preferred search engine, Ask Jeeves - as all the best journalists do - and parsed through the search results. He came across a video with millions of views, where this Leeroy Jenkins character managed to successfully frustrate all of his teammates. It appeared that Jenkins was as loud and obnoxious as Zamir Kehla, and Bobby reasoned that he might need a large glass of brandy to get through this interview.
--
Bobby met Leeroy in the Buccaneers facility. He reasoned that if Leeroy was to shout his own name during the interview, it’d be rather embarrassing for Bobby if he did so in public. He’d struggled to find out much additional information about the Myrtle Beach wide receiver, so he stuck with a question he knew Leeroy could answer, having heard him answer it previously.
“Hi Leeroy, pleasure to meet you. Thanks for sitting down with me to do an interview with The Daily Scone, the folks back in Blighty will be delighted to hear from you. First of all: these eggs have given us a lot of trouble in the past, does anyone need anything off this guy or can we bypass him?”
Leeroy was well prepared for this question. “All right, all right. You're going to be one of those guys huh? I see. That's ok. I'm kind of impressed you know that quote. I mean, that happened almost 30 years ago before you and I were even born! A lot of athlete-interviewers wouldn't have dug that deep so respect. The original meme Leeroy Jenkins's real name was Ben Schultz and he dated my mom when she was younger. I think he was her first love or something and she never really got over him. My birth father was, as my mom called him, "a real piece of turd" and was gone before I was even born so naming me was up to mom.
She said she was going back and forth between Wayne and Dexter as my first name who were both her uncles that helped her out when dad left, when I decided to be born a month early. Her whole birthing plan went out the window and all of a sudden 4 hours later there I was screaming in her ear. She said to me “You know you just pulled a real Leeroy Jenkins on me you little shit-head.” She actually called me shit-head because I actually still had baby fecal matter in my hair. Anyway, since my mother’s real last name was actually Jenkins, she put Leeroy down as my first name and the rest is history. Not a lot of people these days know about that meme but every once and while, someone digs it up. I honestly thought I’d go a few years in the league before someone asked about it.”
Bobby had expected no less after hearing just how loud Leeroy was when he’d watched the video. He supposed he’d have to edit out the poor language later. Leeroy’s response had confused Bobby, but he thought it best not to ask him to elaborate further. The microphone he used to record his interviews only had a battery life of an hour. He asked the next question he’d heard asked of Mr Jenkins in the video he’d seen.
“Why do you do this, Leeroy?” Bobby asked. He’d had to remove another particularly colourful word used in the sentence so as not to offend The Daily Scone’s readership when he typed up the interview.
“Ok… Doubling down on this. Well, I suppose this quote has an actual place in my life compared to the meme made by Mr. Shultz. As you probably already know, I was not a role model child. I can’t tell you the amount of times my mom, my teachers, my coaches, the courts, all have said this statement to me in one context or another. I just saw myself as curious and what’s wrong with that right? Also, my family grew up with like zero disposable income so I had to get creative with how I spent my free time. Look, I never hurt anyone but myself and it was never intentional.
I think that’s how I stayed out of Juvenile Detention for as long as I did. Eventually, it all caught up with me when I was twelve years old. That time was actually good for me because I was confined with absolutely nothing to do and had time to really think about why I was doing some of the stupid stuff that put me in there. We had counselling while I was there which helped me understand that beyond my curiosity, I was acting out because I wanted a good role model in my life and mentorship programs which extended beyond my 1 year stay to keep my accountable and not slip back into old bad habits. The system seemed to have worked, at least for me because I don’t get asked that question nearly as much anymore which is probably a large reason why I’ve made it as far as I have.”
The fact that Jenkins spoke of how he’d “stayed out of Juvenile Detention for as long as I did” before being confined at the age of twelve deeply worried Bobby. He quickly glanced around the room, making a note of where all the doors and windows were located in case he needed to make a quick escape later.
“Would you say that you’re a changed man, then? Or is your bad boy reputation still warranted?”
“Can I say yes to both? As a child before my “intervention”, I had a lot of energy and curiosity like I said earlier but I didn’t play sports because we really couldn’t afford to pay for club sports. I played sports at recess at school but nothing really organised. The year I spent in detention was the year before I started in highschool where there was more of an opportunity to play a sport for real.
My mentor, once I got out, highly suggested that I pick something physical to do to burn off this extra energy I had. I played football and wrestled and while wrestling helped me get to know what my body was capable of, the football field was where I really wanted to be. In highschool and college I played at the linebacker position. I got to see the whole field and direct the flow. I felt like a general at times and that was great, but what I found I really loved, was hitting people.” Bobby grew even more concerned.
“Whether it was the quarterback in pocket, the running back who thought he found a hole, or the wide receiver coming down from a jumping reception, I knew that wherever I was, they were not making it past. So yes, I am changed, from a wandering child up to no good into a focused athlete with goals of success. And yes, my reputation is warranted because even if I’ve switched sides on the line of scrimmage, I’ll put you in the ground and run over your body if I have half a chance.”
Bobby decided it’d be best to steer the conversation away from putting people in the ground. “I’m still trying to learn your version of football, so I’ve been asking interviewees to explain different football concepts to me. Just what is a “stiff arm”? Is it an injury?”
“It might be easier to show you than describe it. I know they do it in rugby which you have there in jolly old England, but maybe they call it something else… I’m going to pretend to be the ball carrier and you can pretend to be the defender who is trying to tackle me.” Leeroy stood up from his chair, and Bobby hesitantly followed suit.
“Usually, the ball carrier should have the ball in the arm farthest away from the person approaching, trying to tackle them, like this. Then you, as the defender, when you get close enough to me, no, closer.” Leeroy beckoned Bobby closer to him, as Bobby grew increasingly concerned for his personal safety.
“Come to about 3 feet, sorry, 1 meter away. Good, right there.” Bobby stopped. “As a defender, you’re getting ready to make that tackle, but if I can see you, one of the options that I have to get away from you is called a stiff arm. This usually only works if the defender is surprised by my action and usually if your arms aren’t longer than mine.
So what I do is quickly throw up my free arm here and try to lock it at the elbow with an open palm to your facemask. This does multiple things. It blocks your vision and most defenders will actually close their eyes because it’s only natural to protect your eyes when something is coming toward it, and it alloys me to redirect you, kind of like how a person can redirect a horse by using it’s reins. My hand has to stay open-palm though or I can get called for a penalty. Hopefully, the defender gets redirected to the ground and I’m off finishing my run for 6 points.”
Unfortunately, Bobby had missed the final part of that explanation as he had ended up in a heap on the floor. “Here, let me help you back up off the ground,” Leeroy offered an arm to Bobby, who cautiously accepted it and allowed the man to lift him back to his feet.
“Did that explanation help at all? Because we can do it again if you want…”
Bobby quickly nodded his head, “Y-yes, absolutely. Thank you very much Mr Jenkins”.
“Tell me, Leeroy: why do you call it a sidewalk?” Surely there was no way the answer to this question could turn violent?
“Um, because it’s on the side of the road and you walk on it. Is it not called a sidewalk in England? What do you call it? A prampath or something? You guys may have created the English language but American definitely perfected it.”
Bobby was outraged at this remark, but was concerned he’d be even less likely to make it out of the Buccaneers facility alive if he argued about the English language with this unhinged psychopath.
Bobby responded cheerfully, “Well, if you say so!” and forced himself to laugh in as warm a manner as he could muster. Anxious not to put himself in any further danger, he said, “I must say, it’s been an absolute delight to meet you Leeroy, good luck for the rest of the season!” and began to collect his belongings.
Hopefully the delights of the supposed “best beach” would make up for the soreness in his back that had resulted from him being knocked over by the Buccaneers receiver. He’d think twice before agreeing to interview another Myrtle Beach player.
*Bobby Meets a Violent Criminal - Billybolo53 - 03-28-2020
The Myrtle Beach Bad Boys is a thing
*Bobby Meets a Violent Criminal - dahayn - 03-28-2020
Bobby, my dude, I swear I wasn't going to hurt you. I thought your um, hesitant nature was just the way you Brits were. I'm not the greatest at picking up subtlety. Next time maybe we should go grab a drink. Pints loosen me up and they'd probably loosen you up too.