08-20-2023, 02:26 PM
(This post was last modified: 09-01-2023, 09:12 PM by Mojojojo. Edited 2 times in total.)
The Rockiest Road
Colorado’s Years in the Wilderness
Volume I | Volume II | Volume III | Volume IV | Volume V | Volume VI | Volume VII | Finale
Time for the rebuild! For the first time in eleven seasons, the GMs of the Colorado Yeti set out to intentionally deconstruct the roster. There was no use trudging along with the McCormick-Miller era any longer. Now, suffering from the self-inflicted wounds of Season 13 that had kneecapped the rebuild’s draft capital, the Yeti were in for a long and painful road.
But in spite of the stinging defeat in the Ultimus and the closing of the window, there was also quite a lot of room for optimism in Colorado. The team enjoyed management stability unlike any time prior, with both dropbear and infinite committed to the task for the foreseeable future. The locker room was much brighter than it had ever been in the darkest times of inactivity. And the upcoming S15 draft class made the entire league atmosphere electric with anticipation. If the franchise was itching for a fresh start, there was no better time than the present.
Volume V: A New Foundation
Season 14
"I am just happy to see that even after their re-brand Colorado is back to doing what they have historically been good at. Losing."
To be expected when coming off a Dream Team sort of season, the new roster bore a number of key differences thanks to the departures and arrivals of the preceding offseason. However, there was also one big trade early in Season 14 that truly signaled the starting gun for the rebuild effort and that left an indelible mark on the roster composition.
Running Back: Sporadic activity is better than none at all, and so Cansino again assumed the starting role as rusher over Grau. The running game as a whole was absolutely terrible; Cansino led the pack with 591 yards, fewer than three different Sabercats running backs, and McCormick actually outran Grau. The funniest aspect of it all was that Cansino wasn’t technically signed to a contract for Season 14 and played as an illegal volunteer. Anyone in Head Office reading this article is encouraged to retroactively press charges against the Yeti.
Wide Receiver: Here was evidence of the stripping down in action. Early in the season, the Yeti traded away six players to the Hawks, including long-time starter Howard Miller. Bishop stepped up to the plate admirably in his absence, while LaMelllana and Grau were the only two targets besides Balthazar Crindy to contribute significant production to the offense.
Tight End: Speaking of Crindy, the offseason acquisition actually led the entire team with 1,223 receiving yards and ten touchdowns, more than the vaunted L’Alto had done a year prior – albeit with less competition for McCormick’s attention. Backup tight end Alvin Chipmunk also helped in some small way as the fifth option receiver once Crindy, the two actual receivers, and Grau were out of the equation.
Defensive Line: Haruki Ishigawa matched Johnathon Saint’s team record of ten seasons on the roster, but all good things must come to an end, and Ishigawa found himself on a one-way bus to Baltimore early in the season. His spot on the line was replaced by Norman Bagwell, back for his second stint after a rodeo in Season 10. Bagwell fit right into the mold of perfectly unextraordinary starter that Colorado had long preferred at this position group.
Linebacker: Mills was out to Baltimore and Lejune was back in the driver’s seat of the linebacking corps. Along for the ride was his fellow S12 draftee McBrain and Oskar Ludvig playing out of position as a nickel corner/linebacker hybrid.
Secondary: Montgomery’s third year as the lead cornerback also saw his third new partner in the CB2 slot, as Hornbacher got traded away and Caleb McCoy position switched to receive some playing time. Meanwhile, Michael Tillman’s ninth consecutive season on the roster was spent at his usual strong safety perch with Jonathan Towers further back in Oakes’ old spot.
Special Teams: Kick returning duties were divided in three, with Bishop and Montgomery tied for the lead with Grau behind them. Bishop, however, earned a much higher average than the other two on his returns, a potential reason why he was given sole custody of all thirteen of the Yeti’s punt returns. Unfortunately, after a season with four return touchdowns, the special teams unit was kept out of the endzone entirely.
This is the team logo of the Yeti in the Season 14 index. Don’t ask me why.
The season opener was a road matchup against the Sabercats, last season’s regular season matchup. San Jose was itching to let out steam after missing their chance to beat Colorado in the last Ultimus, and they took it out on the poor Yeti by imposing their offensive will with ease, 44-7. The defense let up six passing touchdowns and only managed a pair of sacks and deflections apiece, while the offense came out sluggish and lacking any semblance of a ground game. If there were any aspirations of running it back, this was an ignominious start.
Meanwhile, the Second Line quarterback Borkus Maximus III (bovovovo) went onto the trade block. This was of interest to the Yeti. While Longshaw worked his way through the DSFL, McCormick was stuck holding the offense together and preventing infinite from getting his own rookie receiver created. Adding Maximus would provide a nice bridge of comparable performance and allow infinite to retire and recreate much sooner.
Dropbear initiated trade discussions with @JuOSu, the New Orleans GM. He proposed an initial exchange of Maximus for McCormick and an S15 fourth-round pick to take place after the Ultimus, with McCormick giving the Second Line one final retirement season and Maximus captaining the ship until Longshaw would be called up. Both groups consulted with their war rooms about the trade.
Concerned that bovo might retire in the near future and throw these plans into disarray, dropbear then reached out to bovo to gauge his intentions directly.
The day after, JuOSu communicated that New Orleans wanted to increase the value of the included pick. Dropbear protested that the fourth would almost certainly be an active player, mentioning that he had talked to bovo directly and confirmed his comparative inactivity, but JuOSu held firm and the talks fizzled out. Colorado left the offer on the table and promised to return to negotiations later in the season.
Said season was choppy sailing for the Yeti. In Week 2, the home opener against Philadelphia, McCormick opened up the game with a touchdown throw to Viggo Squanch. Then the Liberty prevented them from scoring for over two quarters of game time, during which they seized a 23-7 lead. Miller and Squanch had good days through the air, but without the defense forcing any turnovers the comeback effort came too little, too late, and Colorado fell to 0-2 by the final score of 23-20.
It was apparent to the GMs that there was zero chance of running it back with this roster. It was also apparent that they desperately coveted regaining some draft picks in the S15 selection. After Week 2, dropbear began preliminary trade discussions with Philadelphia to solve both of these problems. The initial offer would have sent Miller, Crindy, Mills, Ishigawa, Felix, and Hornbacher over in exchange for an S15 first, second, and third as well as an S16 first and second.
Colorado's management debated whether the haul was worth initiating a total re-tank. In their favor was the fact that all the above players, sans Crindy and Hornbacher, would be lost in the offseason regardless.
With PDX and Durden agreeing to the trade in principle and to signing extensions beforehand, the trade soon was revised to add Squanch to the haul. The picks also changed, removing the second rounders and adding an S15 fourth and S16 third since Philadelphia was already trading the seconds separately. In the meantime, dropbear shopped around the league for other takers and was met with refusal from San Jose and a much-reduced offer from Orange County.
Then the Liberty pulled out entirely. With the deal scuttled, Colorado re-engaged with the Otters possibility, settling on a smaller deal for Hornbacher and Mills only with two players and their S15 first as compensation. This avenue also unfortunately went nowhere. Thankfully, the fire sale soon attracted a new suitor in Baltimore and more trade talks began.
Meanwhile, the losing on the field wouldn't continue courtesy of a trip to an appalling Outlaws team. McCormick threw five touchdowns with no turnovers and orchestrated an easy 47-14 victory. The game brought his performance in line with the top quarterbacks of the league; unlike his peers, however, it would be an uphill battle for him to carry his team into the playoffs.
Taking stock of the roster after three weeks of action, the Yeti decided to deal out a bevy of extensions. Hornbacher received $6 million for two seasons, securing his services through Season 16, while Squanch got a single year deal at the same yearly rate of $3 million – both as previously agreed and with an eye on the impending trade. Infinite gave himself the most lucrative extension of all: a five-year deal worth $48 million in total. This backloaded deal was obviously in jest – his yearly salary was only $4 million annually through Season 16, communicating the obvious intent to switch to Longshaw before the later years kicked in.
Colorado hosted the high-flying Hawks in Week 4. It was a shootout harkening to the Yeti of old, with Baltimore piling on the scores early on and the home team struggling to catch up. Early in the fourth, it was finally tied at 27 before the Hawks scored another touchdown. The teams traded field goals, and the final Yeti drive ran out of time when, after a 30-yard pass to the seven-yard line, the offense couldn't run down and spike the ball in 36 seconds (this sim is so stupid). By 37-30, they fell to a 1-3 record.
The trade offer by March 3 had become Baltimore's first rounders in S15 and S16 for the same cache of six players from the first Liberty offer. Through negotiation, the Yeti swapped out Crindy for Squanch and added a seventh and eighth in the S15 Draft. Later that day, it became official for the league to see: Howard Miller, Haruki Ishigawa, Brian Mills, Axel Hornbacher, Viggo Squanch, and Lucari Felix would be joining the Hawks. The Yeti would gain a first-round pick in both the S15 and S16 Drafts as well as an S15 seventh and eighth.
This was a big trade. Baltimore received the pieces it coveted for its own championship hunted, so many in fact that Miller struggled to get snaps in a crowded receiver room. The Yeti, meanwhile, officially pulled off the Band-Aid and reloaded their capital. Some in the community even believed that they should have gotten more picks out of the trade, while others saw it as a steal given the impending retirements of most of the traded players.
The pieces left behind were compensated with some new contracts. Devo Cansino signed an "extension" that paid him $9 million total between Seasons 15 and 17, with over half of the money frontloaded into the first year. Logan Lejune's deal was even more lucrative and even more frontloaded, giving him $12 million over the same time span with $8 million of it in Season 15 alone. By comparison, McBrain extending for $1.5 million over three years seemed incredibly modest.
There would be one final hurrah for the outgoing Hawks in Colorado's Week 5 game hosting the Second Line. Miller and Squanch hogged McCormick's attention by leading the team in yards and receptions, respectively, with Hornbacher and Felix combining for all five deflections and one interception notched by the defense. Their hearts may not have been in it. Despite the team testing at 78% for the game, New Orleans pulled ahead early and matched every one of Colorado's scores, winning 31-21.
Howard Miller's departure also meant that dropbear would have to step down as Colorado GM. This was actually part of the plan. With dropbear out of the role, the Yeti would not be forced to spend an invaluable second-round pick in S15 to draft Longshaw. He planned to announce his official resignation after the S14 Ultimus in order to keep this manipulation from being too obvious and resume the role sometime after being drafted; in the interim, infinite took over the entirety of management duties.
Now the tank truly began. In Week 6, the Yeti visited the Wraiths and put up a respectable first half showing, buoyed by two touchdown passes to Mark Grau and substantive yardage from McCormick's new two top targets, Bishop and Crindy. Unfortunately a McCormick pick and a collapsing defense allowed old flame Ryan Applehort to storm back in the second and take the victory 27-24.
Next week was an ugly one. An interception in their own red zone and a missed field goal, along with a stutter-start offense, suppressed the visiting Yeti against the Otters. Down eight in the late fourth, Colorado settled for a field goal on fourth and four at the 22-yard line, which they missed. One final touchdown only added insult to injury in the 33-18 defeat.
The 1-6 Yeti were in the unfortunate situation of not owning their own first or second in the S15 Draft, which meant that even this streak of losing games had a sour note. Perhaps that's why the offense decided to show out in Week 8 against San Jose. McCormick had a field day, abstaining from his regularly scheduled interception and tossing four touchdowns with a fifth on the ground. The Yeti went up big early, and even three consecutive Sabercat touchdowns and a successful onside kick could not even up the score. It was a surprising 38-34 triumph.
Quote:Look out everyone, HERE COMES MICYCLE… McCormick now has an almost 400 yard lead in the passing title, and is second in the majors in completion percentage. He's not just throwing around the rock willy-nilly, he's playing efficient football, and even if the Yeti don't make the playoffs this year, they'll be in a good position for the future.
The Yeti continued airing it out to mixed results. Facing the Liberty, they got roped into another shootout and almost came back before missing the two-point conversion and stalling on a potential game-winning drive. This 38-29 loss was followed in Week 10 by the team's second victory over Arizona, although this 31-28 matchup was much closer than in Week 3. McCormick threw two interceptions again, one a pick-six, but Lejune and Towers each snagged one in return and Crindy pulled in the game-winning score.
Considering their 3-7 record on the season, Colorado was already on the cusp of elimination from the playoffs by Week 11. Traveling to Baltimore secured their fate. Aside from three pass deflections by Hornbacher, the squad of ex-Yeti on the other sideline surprisingly contributed very little to the game, and Howard Miller didn't even suit up. Baltimore didn't need their help though, winning a 35-24 matchup that looks much closer than it actually was thanks to two garbage time touchdowns.
Now already looking forward to the offseason, the Yeti secured their final victory of the year in the Week 12 game in New Orleans. A Montgomery pick-six to open the second half began the Yeti cruise to a comfortable 31-17 win. McCormick played so well through the air that he didn't even mind Cansino leading the team with 16 rushing yards. His performance through twelve games had earned him legitimate contention for league awards.
This was too close to the sun for McCormick; the ghost of Nicholas Pierno would not allow a Colorado quarterback to be good. In an incredibly winnable 27-24 loss to the Wraiths, McCormick threw the ball to the wrong team four times, one of which went all the way back for a touchdown. Things got worse in the last game of the season, a 55-23 blowout by the Otters. McCormick threw another three interceptions for a terrible 48.6 passer rating, and outside of Caleb McCoy's pick, the defense simply could not stop the relentless Otters offense. Two seasons in a row, Orange County sent the Yeti packing into the offseason with a loss.
McCormick's lackluster finish took him out of the running for the league MVP, which went instead to Hawks quarterback Childish Gambino. He did get a Pro Bowl nod, accompanied by Bishop, Crindy, Lejune, and Montgomery, and also passed 5000 passing yards for the first time in franchise history (and the only time before the 16-game season was introduced).
Once the season ended, infinite took the opportunity to put an end to McCormick's career. His retirement left him with one final season before riding off into the sunset and handing off the baton to a different signal caller in Season 16. He also exercised his contract's mutual option and renegotiated a $3 million single-year deal for his last year; it took almost no time for infinite to create his new player, a wide receiver named Wolfie McDummy.
Time for the typical slew of transactions. Omar Wrong, Alvin Chipmunk, Norman Bagwell, and Michael Tillman all auto-retired at the start of the offseason. With Corbett's deal expiring, kicker Emilio Ramero (@sicksnipes) received $500,000 for his services. Grau, LaMelllana, Crindy, Sachs, Marrett, Ludvig, and McCoy stayed on new inactive contracts for another season, while Towers got a three-year extension worth $1.5 million in total.
The starting period of the offseason was flanked by both good and bad news. On a positive note, Jonathon Saint became the fourth ex-Yeti to enter the Hall of Fame and the second to enter under the Colorado banner. More so than Miller or Wozy or even Tweed, Saint was the first true franchise legend in Yeti history, serving ten seasons dutifully as the center of the defense. On a negative note, the franchise found itself in some unexpected hot water.
Between the regular season and the playoffs, New Orleans and Colorado got back in touch regarding the potential trade for bovo. Since the Yeti had since decided on a full rebuild and traded away much of their competitive roster, they no longer saw any need for an interim quarterback.
Eight days later on April 28, Head Office announced the results of a tampering investigation against dropbear. Because he had contacted bovo without the permission of the Second Line GMs, dropbear was guilty of tampering and had to forfeit his GM pay for Season 14. The Yeti would also be fined $5 million in cap space for the following season. Dropbear's lack of team affiliation and his admittance of the situation prevented a steeper penalty.
While not contesting the punishment, dropbear took the time to air out his side of the story. He had reached out to bovo to address the critical issue of his league commitment, not out of any malicious intent but in order to do his due diligence in completing a fair trade.
Quote:Given that this is the expectation I have for GM talks, I jumped head-first into the deal and was doing everthing in my power to check off the necessary boxes so that the conversation with JuOSu could progress. Such good intentions did I have that it wasn't until I was contacted by HO within the last hour that I even considered any sort of wrongdoing had occurred.
After dropbear mentioned speaking to bovo, JuOSu had reached out to bovo herself to confirm that contact had been made. However, dropbear alleged, she held on to this information for nearly a month, only going forward to HO with charges once the trade talks finally fell through. It was a complete non-issue for dropbear, yet JuOSu never once attempted to resolve the matter before bringing in an investigation.
Quote:I will wear whatever punishment that is given to me. However, I would strongly urge any GMs reading this to be very wary of dealing with @JuOSu, and also urge any rookies or new users to be mindful when dealing with her.
You never know when she'll spin an innocent conversation to her own benefit.
Obviously, JuOSu decried this framing of events. Reaching out to another team's player without permission wasn't some obscure league rule, it was pretty much the textbook definition of tampering. If dropbear wanted to talk to bovo, he could have easily asked and would've been granted access. Even bovo had naturally assumed JuOSu's acquisience had been given prior.
JuOSu immediately went to @manicmav36, one of the Head Office members at the time, to note her concern. She did not press the case fervently. New Orleans saw the trade as a favorable one, and JuOSu did not want a tampering punishment to dissuade Colorado from completing it. Naturally, manic did not tell JuOSu what the potential punishment would be to avoid it influencing whether the trade was made and also noted that completing the transaction would also severely weaken the tampering case.
So there was an element of truth to dropbear's accusation that New Orleans waited until potential benefit was off the block before pursuing charges. Dialogue occurred between both teams after the decision was posted, Colorado communicating disappointment over how events transpired and New Orleans acknowledging a lack of transparency. Nonetheless, dropbear was undoubtedly in the wrong. There was no appeal of either his or the Yeti's punishment.
Quote:Urging rookies and other GMs to be vary of me is also a ridiculous thing to say. Jesus christ. I may not have many fans, but I don't think any other GM has ever complained about me in any sense. Look into the mirror, this is not the first time you have been a problem.
The most important consequence of the saga by far – although whether it played a role at all is doubtful – did not come from the salary deduction or cap space penalty. It was dropbear himself. He would post only once more on the forums after the punishment to accept his rookie contract before suddenly going inactive.
The attentions of the Yeti soon shifted to the upcoming S15 Draft. Since the end of the regular season, there had been on-and-off trade discussions with multiple teams with the goal of acquiring more draft capital. Arizona did not bite on an offer to receive a third and a seventh in return for giving the Yeti two fourths and a fifth. This turned into two consecutive three-way trade proposals, first with the Second Line and next with the Wraiths. Both of these fell through.
Arizona, still trying to trade up, then offered a second (11 overall), two fourths, and a sixth for a first (7 overall) and a fourth. This trade was tabled by Colorado. They wanted to see who would still be there at pick 7 before dealing it away. Out of a half dozen prospects of interest, the Yeti were particularly keen on landing linebacker Mo Berry (@Frick_Nasty) and didn't believe he would slip to the top of the second round.
Then the draft started, and soon Colorado was on the clock. The Yeti war room waited on @SwagSloth, the Arizona GM, to come back from an Avengers: Endgame showing. Weighing the options and a last-minute offer from Yellowknife, they decided eventually that one of their favored picks would definitely still be available at pick 11 and trading down was a worthwhile gamble. SwagSloth returned, told them his intent to take @Roly at the pick, and Colorado pulled the trigger.
Pick 11 – Mo Berry, LB @Frick_Nasty
Pick 22 – Tony Gabagool, LB @shipwreckrising
Pick 31 – Terry Taffy, RB @KingCollins
Pick 37 – Quentin Sinclair, S @MaxGnarland
Pick 43 – Jay Longshaw, QB @dropbear
Pick 52 – Frasier Crane, DE @TheFlash
Pick 62 – Mister Big Chest, WR @feral squirrel
Pick 67 – Apollo Lange, QB @RohnJobert
Landing Frick after trading down proved to be the slam dunk of Colorado's draft. Frick was an incredibly active user and locker room presence, quickly getting involved in the war room. Gabagool, Taffy, and Sinclair were also all hits and good role players with users active to various degrees in the locker room.
The middle rounds of the draft process lined up with the announcement of dropbear's punishment, which threw a wrench into the monkey works. JuOSu seized the opportunity and threatened to call the Yeti's bluff by drafting Longshaw. To avoid him having to hold out, Colorado paid the piper in advance, trading down from the second to the third round in the S16 Draft in order to get pick 43 and grab dropbear.
Quote:Not the first time that I held someone hostage over a pick. Honestly, at this point no one was left that we really liked all that much at this pick and so Longshaw was the obvious choice. You can’t just let Colorado have him for free at the end of the draft, so I made it very clear that I was going to pick Longshaw if I didn’t get a trade offer. I likely could have sold him for more expensive, but I think it was in everyone’s interest to get this done fast and fluidly and so we made a trade happen very fast and everyone can be happy.
Considering what the Yeti had to work with, their draft haul was an impressive outcome and a good foundation for the future. Berry landed the richest deal of the bunch with $12.5 million total, followed by $9 million for Taffy and Gabagool, $8 million for Sinclair, and $6 million for Longshaw. Crane and MBC got the typical one-year inactive signing; Lange did too, but he suddenly returned to the forums and infinite reached out to make contact. He never responded and never signed to the team.
Most in the league did not think the needle had swung quite enough to make a difference in the standings. The rebuild had only just begun, and the Yeti were widely predicted to haunt the cellar of the NSFC once again. But at least the team was headed in the right direction. Considering the state of Yeti rebuilds past, this was an extraordinary miracle.
Season 15
"I’m much more than content, I’m ecstatic with the current status of our team."
It had been years since the league community was this vibrant. The first batch of S15 rookies advanced to the big leagues and began contributing right away; Colorado was no exception. How would the franchise be changed in the long run? Had they chosen the right players for the future?
Running Back: One such ascendant rookie was Terry Taffy. The receiving back immediately took over Grau's position as Cansino's slightly less fed counterpart, rushing for nearly 700 yards to the senior back's 804. Taffy also contributed a modest volume in the passing game and hogged six of the nine Colorado rushing touchdowns.
Wide Receiver: A big reason Taffy found a rotation right away in the passing offense is that the Yeti only had two receivers on the roster, period: James Bishop and ShaDarrien LaMelllana. While Bishop was preoccupied leading the entire league with 1,369 yards, McCormick couldn't throw to him exclusively, and the main outlet besides his two receivers and Crindy at tight end was the otherwise-unemployed Grau.
Defensive Line: Omar Wrong was on the wrong side of regression, and Norman Bagwell had taken his bag well into retirement, so Marrett and Sachs needed some new companions in the trenches. Reinforcements came from Soupy McBrain migrating from the linebacking corps and Frasier Crane migrating from the DSFL.
Linebacker: Over a third of the defense in Season 15 was composed of rookies, but the most important of these new arrivals was top pick Mo Berry. In the lineage of Saint, Ishigawa, and Lejune before him, Berry took over the top linebacking role and led the team in tackles. Lejune himself racked up sacks and deflections, while Ludvig rolled along as the awkward third wheel.
Secondary: Jonathan Towers was kicked from his safety snaps by the arrivals of Quentin Sinclair, the new free safety, and Tony Gabagool, a linebacker filling in Tillman's old haunt as a box safety. Neither rookie did much on the stat sheet besides rack up the tackles.
Special Teams: After two seasons of serviceable work as team kicker and punter, Kyle Corbett found himself replaced by the interchangeable Emilio Ramero. Ramero attempted fewer kicks than any other kicker in the league but had only so-so accuracy to compensate. In the return scene, the only major change was that Grau's limited return snaps were divided evenly between Bishop and Montgomery.
If the offseason additions had given the team any sort of naïve optimism, they were in for a rude awakening. The Yeti traveled Week 1 to Baltimore, who welcomed them with a 63-13 manhandling. McCormick's pick six in the first quarter was only the start of a terrible day for him, while the defense got ran over roughshod by a seemingly unstoppable Hawks squad with only one interception from Caleb McCoy to show for it.
McCormick played much sharper in Week 2 against Arizona, missing only six of his 33 attempts with three touchdowns and a 130.4 passer rating. It wasn't enough to change the outcome. Drive after drive was ended by a long sack or by Taffy coughing up the ball for a fumble return score. At the end of the day, the Yeti walked home chagrined from a 41-24 defeat.
This wasn't exactly surprising for Colorado. They expected to lose quite a bit this season, seeing as how they had just gotten the rebuild effort off the ground and needed another few draft hauls to construct a working squad. What was more concerning was an issue that threatened to destabilize their entire future: dropbear had disappeared off the face of the Earth.
Not literally, of course. Dropbear had recently had a baby in real life, so it was somewhat expected for him to take a back-seat role for a while and ease off responsibilities like GMing. But his comments on the tampering punishment and accepting his rookie contract would be the last time he posted on the forums for months. Dropbear's sudden dive into oblivion meant Longshaw was no longer being updated. With McCormick already having one foot out the door, Colorado would have to either acquire a bridge quarterback from out of thin air or draft a rookie in a tiny S16 class with only one quarterback prospect up for grabs.
Well, make that two quarterback prospects.
This development pushed back Colorado's window by at least a season. McDummy at the helm as a true rookie quarterback would, as infinite mentioned, be an abject disaster on the field and prevent much winning from happening in Season 16. There wasn't much winning happening in Season 15 to begin with. The Week 3 visit to San Jose ended with a painfully drab 20-9 defeat, the interceptions of Ludvig and Sinclair offset by a sluggish offense whose only bright spot seemed to be James Bishop.
However, going winless over an entire season is much harder to do than Colorado's history would have one believe, and this squad couldn't manage it. In Week 4, the Yeti took their first victory. Taffy, Bishop, and Montgomery showed out, rushing for nearly 100 yards and a score, receiving for 138 and two scores, and notching four deflections respectively. The Second Line were in a similar state of putrid as Colorado this year, a contributory factor in the 34-17 home victory.
Next up were the Liberty. Philadelpha proved a much tougher foe and decided to stunt on Colorado's young defense with five passing touchdowns and a kickoff return score. McCormick could not match this firepower, with only Bishop and the two running backs really contributing, and he threw two picks on his way to a 42-13 loss. Week 6 had an even larger blowout in store, 51-14 to the Wraiths. Another one touchdown, two pick stat-line from McCormick and 31 yards on the ground combined from every rusher would have taken an extraordinary defensive effort to overpower, which did not materialize.
Quote:The Yeti are in a state of freefall, they just can’t right the ship. They’re giving up almost 40 points per game, and only scoring less than 18 per game, and I crunched the numbers, and that’s bad. Even Micycle is starting to throw more interceptions and take more risks with the ball… Bishop is doing all he can to keep them in games.
Week 7 did not see an addition to the win column, but at least the Yeti kept it close. Hosting the Otters in only their second home game thus far, McCormick threw more passes to the endzone than to the other team and fed both Bishop and Crindy. Unfortunately, the one interception came in the fourth with the Yeti down six and driving, leading to the finishing Orange County touchdown by Carlito Crush. Taffy's garbage time score tightened the margin to 27-21.
After seven games and with seven to go – the last season in league history with fourteen games on the schedule ¬– the 1-6 Yeti were already three games behind every other team in the conference and only spared from the absolute bottom standing by the winless Second Line. Perhaps playing five of their seven remaining matches at home would help them win a few more?
Perhaps not. The second half of the season opened with a 31-17 loss to the Outlaws. Excellent effort by Bishop as per usual greased the offense's wheels a bit, but they still turned the ball over twice and played the entire game from behind. Every point by the Yeti was matched by a counter that kept Arizona two scores ahead until there was too little time left to make up the difference.
It was a similar affair when the Hawks came to town. With McCormick still insisting on throwing the ball to the wrong team like it was going out of style, the defense could not get enough rest to stymy eventual MVP Childish Gambino with any effectiveness and allowed five passing touchdowns. On Colorado's end LaMelllana and Crindy actually outgained Bishop in yards, while Taffy became a red zone merchant and scored a hat trick exclusively through the air. This game finished 42-31 and the Yeti fell to 1-8.
Boasting the league's worst defense and an offense carried by Bishop's insane consistency, Colorado was already on the cusp of playoff elimination. When they played San Jose in Week 10, they seemed determined to stave off the inevitable one more game. McCormick threw two touchdowns and no picks, but the engine of the offense mainly rested on the Cansino/Taffy duo, Bishop's kickoff return touchdown, and a near pick-six by Lejune that set up the offense at the three-yard line. Unfortunately, Ramero missing an extra point in the third came back to haunt them. San Jose tied the game 34-34 on a buzzer beater touchdown pass and won in overtime 37-34.
This is a tangent of a diatribe, but where on Earth is the clock disappearing to? There is no universe where two plays, with a timeout in between and a touchdown at the end, take up over 80 seconds. This sim is so stupid it makes me wish we'd gone to Roblox like that one spammer said we should.
Now there was nothing left to play for except pride, and they couldn't even hang on to that. The Second Line avoided joining the Yeti in historical ignominy by whooping them 31-6, keeping even Bishop from crossing 50 yards. The defense put up a combined one sack and one deflection on the day, whereas McCormick gave the other team's defense a triple pick feast for a 32.2 passer rating, the lowest of his entire career. Pierno and Applehort would be proud.
Unbelievably, McCormick immediately followed that effort up with the second lowest passer rating of his career. The 36.4 mark came about due to another trio of turnovers, the only interesting factor in a snoozefest of a 33-10 loss to the Liberty. With the Yeti suffering death by field goal, and New Orleans winning a second straight game, they now sat alone at the bottom. And, courtesy of the expansion teams approaching their debut, they wouldn't even get the first overall draft pick to compensate.
The last two weeks of the season were meaningless both for the Yeti and their opponent. The Wraiths in Week 13 were down by five in the fourth quarter in a low-stakes, low-energy slugfest, but then two touchdowns by some bozo named Morgan Marshall won the day 22-12. Week 14 surprisingly went the opposite way. After three weeks of terrible play, McCormick's final outing was an efficient, comfortable effort with no turnovers and one touchdown, Mark Grau being the lucky recipient. His last career score also won the game over Orange County, 20-17. The Micycle was officially out of commission.
Quote:I believe we are a young team primed for the future. We’ve got a lot of building blocks, such as Mr. Lejune and Mr. Berry on defense, and myself and future Yeti Wolfie McDummy. We’ve got a really healthy cap situation, and that is important for reeling in important free agents… As long as we do well in the expansion and actual draft, We will be a contender into 2-3 season for sure.
Thankfully, winning the Otters game did not spoil anything. Matching the Second Line at 2-12, the Yeti benefitted from tiebreakers and held on to the third-overall pick in the S16 Draft. And for the first time in four drafts, Colorado had not traded away their first-round selection to some other team.
In a new low for the franchise, James Bishop and Joey Sachs were the only players on the entire roster to earn Pro Bowls. Bishop's awards circuit continued with both Wide Receiver of the Year and Offensive Player of the Year as reward for his heroic efforts. Mo Berry did not get a Pro Bowl, but he did win Defensive Rookie of the Year.
The Season 16 offseason proved to be the first in many that no one on Colorado's roster automatically retired. There were two who unfortunately did manually. Soupy McBrain and Devo Cansino, mainstays for over a decade of combined play, each retired at the close of the regular season. The pre-Ultimus timing meant that their corpses would not be available as bodies for next year, opening the door for Taffy to become the lead back and opening a rotational hole in the defense.
Grau, LaMelllana, Crindy, Sachs, Marrett, Crane, and McCoy were extended on the typical one-year inactive deals. A squad of new inactives found new homes on the Yeti: kicker Adam Anderson (@Nobody), defensive tackle Pecker Cox (@duckberg), running back Thomas Carrasco (@samee), tight end Emilia Rudd (@Preza), and the prodigal son wide receiver Rylant Wright. One more addition was safety Knute Knurtsson (@Ason94), grabbed in a trade with the Wraiths for the price of Season 16 cap space.
Colorado also pursued the services of the much-coveted safety Danny Grithead (@Trautner), who entered free agency in his prime after six years in the Orange County dynasty. Adding his firepower to the defense would go a long way in speeding up the rebuild window. Unfortunately, the team couldn't make a $16 million deal over two years work, and Trautner signed instead with the Wraiths for $21 million in the same timeframe.
The big story of the early offseason was expansion. The newly christened Chicago Butchers and Austin Copperheads would take part in an expansion draft, with every team able to protect six of their own players from being snagged. Luckily for the Yeti, players from the S15 Draft were exempt from this process entirely and did not need to be protected, meaning they could easily hold on to every other active earner they had.
At the same time, infinite offered up the co-GM spot to anyone on the team who wanted it. He was presumably tired of running the entire team by himself since dropbear's disappearance; he wouldn't have to much longer, because Bwestfield eventually accepted the call. Although he believed mistakenly that being co-GM would free up an expansion slot, Bishop would have to be protected like any other player.
The eventual protection list paired Bishop with Lejune, Montgomery, Crindy, LaMelllana, and McCoy. Once the expansion draft came around, Colorado had the fewest players taken of any team, with only Jonathon Towers finding a new destination in Austin. No one wanted to pick through the Yeti's scraps when there were actual actives to be taken elsewhere.
A far more relevant draft was taking place less than a week later, and the wider league community had no clue what position the Yeti would target at third overall. Their defense needed severe help, their lead back just retired, and they had only two receivers on the entire roster of any value. Accordingly, basically every top prospect was considered a worthwhile investment. The top three picks in the draft, both from the Yeti's internal scouting and from the league hivemind, were coincidentally a linebacker, a running back, and a receiver. Which one would fall to pick three?
Pick 3 – Laszlo Forty-Two, WR @C9Van
Pick 10 – Joshua Palmer, TE @Starboy
Pick 14 – Wolfie McDummy, QB @infinitempg
Pick 15 – Antonio Sandoval Jr., DE @TheMemeMaestro
Pick 23 – Judas Iscariot, TE @Judas_Iscariot
Pick 24 ¬– Maxim Booth, S @Big Mac
Pick 33 – Blaster Blade Jr., LB @Blaster
There was some discussion around trading up to the fourth overall pick to take Dermot Lavelle Jr., which ultimately went nowhere. Two other draft day trades did materialize. The Yeti had no second-round picks, an issue when they would then need to take McDummy at tenth overall. First, Colorado swapped S17 seconds with Arizona to get their S16 second, the one eventually used on Sandoval Jr. Second, they grabbed the other second and a fourth in the S18 Draft by giving up their own S18 fourth and Emilia Rudd to New Orleans. The pick reserved for McDummy was then almost used to draft a kicker before Frick noticed that Palmer remained available.
Forty-Two and Palmer were the only two rookies active enough to sign contracts. The former went for $7 million total, covered primarily by spending one year down in the DSFL, while the latter signed an $11 million contract. McDummy obviously took the minimum. Draft analyses generally gave the Yeti positive reviews on their haul and particularly praised the selection of Forty-Two, although it was noted that no active defensive players were taken. In such a small class, though, there was only so much Colorado could have accomplished.
Impressions of the team were as dismal as the year prior. Palmer and McDummy were the only rookies contributing immediately, and McDummy's contribution was almost certain to be appalling. The Yeti were projected by most everyone to reside in the bottom of the standings once more, matched in misery by the rebuilding Second Line and especially by the barebones Copperheads. Between Austin's Easton Cole and Colorado's Wolfie McDummy, it would be interesting to see which team's true rookie quarterback would find more success when thrown to the wolves.
Season 16
"I expect nothing, and am still disappointed."
Expanding the league to ten teams necessitated a reworking of the sim schedule as per the limitations of the game. Therefore, starting this season and continuing through the end of the series, teams would now play their own conference twice and the opposing conference once for a thirteen-game season. The Yeti would have one less chance than normal to test their mettle – or to embarrass themselves. One of those was more likely than the other in Season 16.
Quarterback: Colorado's longest tenured quarterback was out the door, but his user was not. Wolfie McDummy took the reins of the offense immediately after his drafting and, if not for the existence of the other rookie quarterback in Austin, posted the uncontested worst stat line in the league. In fact, Cole and McDummy had the ninth and tenth worst seasons by passer rating in NSFL history to that point (now ninth and eleventh) with 55.3 and 59.3 respectively, stemming from throwing only eleven touchdowns to 21 interceptions. But hey, in terms of Yeti quarterback debuts, that was still better than Pierno or Applehort!
Running Back: Taffy's second year in the league saw him grab control of the ground game in the wake of Cansino's retirement. It was a great sophomore jump as well, placing third in the whole league with 1,221 yards. New arrival Thomas Carrasco spelled him for most of the remaining available snaps, while Grau and McDummy added occasional value.
Wide Receiver: Laszlo Forty-Two was staying down, but fellow rookie Joshua Palmer was heading up. On a roster with such a deficit of receiving options, Palmer was the fourth target of choice after the two wideouts and Crindy. It was a down year for the entire group, however, with McDummy's inexperience being the culprit. Even Bishop could not break 1,000 yards.
Defensive Line: Soupy McBrain's retirement meant that an actual defensive tackle could fill his spot, and Pecker Cox did the job. Sachs and Marrett provided the lion's share of production otherwise. Frasier Crane only got nine tackles on the entire year, far fewer than any other team's starting defender.
Linebacker: The back seven of Colorado was a fluid, amorphous blob, with players rostered all over. Mo Berry and Tony Gabagool played at their assigned positions, while Caleb McCoy seemed to inhabit a hybrid linebacker/strong safety role. All three led the team in tackles, Gabagool actually in front while Berry impressed with six sacks and 21 deflections.
Secondary: Another particularly noteworthy placement is that Logan Lejune, once the team's leading linebacker, supplanted Beau Montgomery as the team's primary cornerback. Because Lejune led Montgomery in TPE earned and had position switched to safety midway through Season 15, he received the main assignment of snaps and racked up six interceptions and 21 deflections, tied for third in the league in both stats. Further back, Sinclair's new safety partner was Wraiths reject Knute Knurtsson.
Special Teams: Colorado was now on its fourth kicker in five seasons. Adam Anderson's contribution in the kicking and punting game was neither extraordinary nor disastrous, although his 70% field goal accuracy did lean in the latter direction. The Yeti also changed up their punt returning, giving Lejune sole command of those snaps.
Colorado started their season on the road in Philadelphia. Perhaps the defenders' hands were covered in Stickum, or perhaps they were hungry to give their new quarterback a warm welcome, because they stole the ball away on four occasions – twice by Sinclair, once by Lejune, and once for a pick-six by Montgomery. McDummy avoided the mistakes of his predecessor and threw a touchdown with no turnovers. But he was so afraid to turn it over that he forgot how to throw to his own team, completing only seven passes and losing 42-14.
He played a much sharper game in Week 2, although nothing great. The Yeti's home opener found scores from a kickoff return touchdown by Montgomery and two rushing scores from Taffy, making it a 23-21 deficit early in the fourth. The defense forced Baltimore into four punts afterwards; the offense repaid their kindness by going three-and-out all four possessions. Needing only a field goal to win, the Yeti could not summon up anything, and the game ended on a close loss.
In both games, scores from the defense or special teams made the margin much closer than the offense would otherwise have accomplished. This continued in the next game against Chicago. Knurtsson returned an interception for a touchdown, complementing the offense only scoring ten points on their own. The game plan seemed to be to take the ball out of McDummy's hands, reasonable since he seemed too scared to take any risks or to complete his passes, but this also made their drives stall out with regularity. The Butchers won easily, 30-17.
Funnily enough, McDummy's passer rating improved in Week 4 when he finally threw his first (two) interceptions. Colorado outgained New Orleans handily in yardage thanks to the sheer volume of Taffy and chunk plays from Bishop. But McDummy threw one pick in the red zone and the other for a near pick-six, Anderson missed two field goals, and fumbles by McDummy and Grau killed drives at the 49-yard line and the 4-yard line, respectively. They only lost the game by a single score, 24-16.
Quote:James Bishop is one of the most talented offensive players in the league, but even he is having trouble producing with true rookie Wolfie Mcdummy at quarterback, who is last in the league in both yards and touchdowns. It looks like another long season for the Yeti, who might not even match last seasons paltry 2 wins.
In fairness, the Yeti did not look like a team threatening to go winless. True, they got obliterated in Yellowknife 39-9 in Week 5, but that happens on occasion. But unlike the Colorado squads of the 0-32 era, they seemed at many points ready to snatch a win. One such would-be upset was the rematch against the Butchers. The Yeti were up 20-13 going into the fourth quarter behind the wheels of Taffy and the hands of Bishop, but a McDummy fumble and interception plus a missed field goal occurred at the worst possible time. It was a much closer contest than the 30-20 score suggested.
Unluckiness seemed to sway some games against Colorado's favor; other games were out of their favor from the jump. Such was the case in Baltimore. McDummy had the worst game of his young career with three interceptions and a 34.0 passer rating, mismanaging the offense to a 41-7 rout. Another three picks and another loss came the next week 42-10 when hosting the Liberty. Nothing the defense could muster could stop the scoring, especially when their young quarterback threw a pick-six instead of stemming the bleeding.
The Yeti were now 0-8 and in serious danger. Missing the playoffs was already guaranteed, but the embarrassment of going winless for the third time in franchise history could never be lived down. They also lost two role players of varying importance for the future when ShaDarrien LaMelllana and Frasier Crane both retired midseason. Worst of all, the opponents waiting in the wings for the remaining five games all promised to be tough draws.
All of them, maybe, except the Austin Copperheads. Unbelievably, the Yeti did not have the league's worst offense or defense courtesy of Austin performing lower in both arenas. They too were currently winless and trying to avoid making history. All eyes began to turn towards their Week 11 showdown, Colorado at Austin, as the climactic battle of the season. This game would eventually become somewhat-popularly christened as the Toilet Bowl.
Technically, either team might still win before the game and make it meaningless. Colorado sure didn't seem able to. McDummy aired it out like a gunslinger in the Week 9 game with Yellowknife, passing for over 300 yards and also passing out interceptions like candy. His team only narrowed the score to the final 44-20 in garbage time. No similar padding occurred when the Otters beat them 38-13 in Week 10. Mo Berry knocking four passes down and McCoy stealing a pick proved meaningless efforts when up against McDummy's offensive offense.
Now it was here. The Toilet Bowl. The 0-10 Yeti visiting the 0-10 Copperheads. The league created a special bonus PT where users tried to predict the final score (no one predicted correctly). Some users bet $20 million on the outcome of the game. One team would stave off infamy, the other would be disgraced forever.
The game began as many McDummy games did, lasting three plays before he threw an interception that was returned to the one-yard line and immediately cashed in for an Austin touchdown. Their next drive got some momentum but ended in a punt just outside field goal range, and after two three-and-outs the Copperheads put together their own drive and went up 10-0. Thankfully, the Yeti found the endzone soon in the second quarter, matched by Austin, and then Logan Lejune returned the favor by pick-sixing Easton Cole. It was 17-14 advantage Austin at halftime.
Colorado's first drive of the next half went swimmingly, with two long connections to Bishop ending in a touchdown to take the lead. Austin responded in kind once more, and after another pair of punts the Yeti again found the endzone on a Taffy scamper. Forcing a three-and-out, Colorado then bled the clock for six of the eight remaining minutes in the game, giving the ball back when Austin had no chance of recovering. By the score of 28-24, the Yeti emerged victorious and added a precious win to their season record.
The rest of the season was worthless. Having essentially forfeited any chance at the first overall draft pick, Colorado was nevertheless locked into the second pick at worst regardless of whether they won or not. Maybe this gave them a spark. Falling behind early 10-0 to the Outlaws, the Yeti stormed back to tie it up and took the lead in the early fourth. The team sadly could not hold on to it for long and ceded the victory 27-17 after offensive and defensive collapses.
No matter – they would try once more in Week 13. The Yeti had an opportunity to play spoiler for the Sabercats' playoff hopes and took it, getting a 16-10 halftime lead thanks to the extraordinary three deflection, three interception effort of Lejune. Naturally, they were shut out in the second half. Handed the ball in San Jose's red zone thanks to Lejune's third pick, McDummy threw his own soon after and forfeited an easy score, one that would have made the difference in the 20-16 defeat. Finally, mercifully, the Colorado Yeti's terrible horrible no-good very bad season drew to a close.
If two Pro Bowls in Season 15 was embarrassing, one Pro Bowl in Season 16 was revolting. The addition of another team to pull candidates from made choosing any pity players from the conference's worst roster by far less necessary. Mo Berry was the only Yeti to earn the honor this season, and no one received any additional accolades. This outcome could hardly be considered much of a surprise.
The offseason kicked off as always with clerical work. Anderson, Marrett, and Grau succumbed to the throes of regression-induced retirement. Carrasco, Wright, Crindy, Sachs, Cox, McCoy, and Sandoval Jr., too young to avoid service, were added again on the inactive payroll. Montgomery extended through Season 20 on a $6 million deal, while Bishop signed on for the same duration and $15 million in total. Even Knute Knurtsson secured $3 million for a three-year extension.
Colorado also threw the checkbook at their cache of S15 draftees. The team's lone Pro Bowler exercised his option and then re-signed for three years and $6 million through Season 19. Taffy, Gabagool, and Sinclair all added three years to the end of their existing rookie contracts, valued at $6 million, $8 million, and $12 million respectively.
In the run-up to the S17 Draft, two prospects were nearly unanimously projected into the top two spots: running back Ashley Owens and defensive tackle Bubba Thumper. If Colorado lost the Toilet Bowl, infinite was in favor of taking Owens (@run_CMC) and Bwestfield and Frick advocated for Thumper (@woelkers). Winning that game essentially made that choice for them. Pretty much every mock draft projected Owens to the Copperheads, where he did eventually land, and Thumper to the Yeti.
Pick 2 – Bubba Thumper, DT @woelkers
Pick 20 – Jordan McCann, WR @JM62
Pick 22 – Joshua Jones II, K @Gambit
Pick 32 – Bryce Molnar, WR @BryceMolnar
Pick 42 – Jason Carver, LB @Dancrave
Pick 52 – Bishop Berrian, CB @pb486
Besides handing out contracts to their rookie class, Colorado sought to add a few new camp bodies through trade. Available capital emerged due to the size of the S18 draft class, giving the team an array of disposable picks. They acquired Philadelphia's rookie quarterback-turned-receiver Jim McMahon (@Bauer) for a conditional S18 third-round pick swap, paid for crusty receiver Brad Pennington (@Dawegg) and kicker Stephen Harris Jr. (@WinstonKodogo) plus an S18 fifth with a sixth and some cap space, and re-grabbed Jonathon Towers for minor cap and an S18 fifth-round swap.
Quote:The downsides still heavily outweigh the positives for the Yeti. Wolfie McDummy is still a league worst QB, their defensive line is terribad, and this team has zero depth. Thankfully, this’ll be a good year to be bad, as next year’s draft is sure to be a big one, and Colorado will have nearly all of their picks back. That means this season may be a slog, but at least there may be a light at the end of the tunnel for Yeti fans out there.
Colorado's roster was not appreciably better than it had been the year before besides the year-over-year improvement of their recent draftees. But although most in the league predicted them to stay in the bottom of the conference, it was clear that the Yeti were heading in the right direction. The past three years had washed away the aftermath of Season 13, often painfully, and established a solid start for the franchise that could be built upon. The locker room was more active than ever, the team was full of young earners, and within the next few seasons the Yeti promised to end the drudgery of the rebuild and compete once more for that elusive championship.
Continued in Volume VI
Section Contributors:
@infinitempg
@JuOSu
Sources and Further Reading
Transgender lesbian, S15 veteran, media extraordinaire, and the sim's punching bag. Fascists and bigots are welcome to fuck off.
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For Your Reading Consideration:
Before the Butchers | The Jungle
The Giving Tree | Volume II | Volume III
A Winter of Discontent | Volume II
The Rockiest Road | II | III | IV | V | VI | VII | Finale
Two Essays on Unfree Agency: On Agents | On Contracts
Eclipse of the Honey Moon | Volume II
Gemini Media Awards:
S39 | S40 | S41 | S42 | S43 | S44 | S45 | S46 | S47
All Winners
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For Your Reading Consideration:
Before the Butchers | The Jungle
The Giving Tree | Volume II | Volume III
A Winter of Discontent | Volume II
The Rockiest Road | II | III | IV | V | VI | VII | Finale
Two Essays on Unfree Agency: On Agents | On Contracts
Eclipse of the Honey Moon | Volume II
Gemini Media Awards:
S39 | S40 | S41 | S42 | S43 | S44 | S45 | S46 | S47
All Winners
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