08-20-2023, 02:25 PM
(This post was last modified: 09-01-2023, 09:12 PM by Mojojojo. Edited 2 times in total.)
The Rockiest Road
Colorado’s Years in the Wilderness
Volume I | Volume II | Volume III | Volume IV | Volume V | Volume VI | Volume VII | Finale
Hearts is a trick-taking playing card game with four players. The goal of the game is to accumulate as few points as possible and have the lowest score by the end; points are scored for every heart card the player takes when they win the trick. In the variation usually played in the United States, the Queen of Spades is a bonus card that carries the ultimate penalty of 13 points if taken, equivalent to taking the entire deck's worth of hearts. Altogether, there are 26 points in each deck.
I've played a lot of games of Hearts with my family; it's a fun, accessible card game that is easy to pick up and play wherever you find yourself. In doing so, you notice the tendencies and playstyles of each person carrying over from game to game. Most players are flexible, playing strategy depending on the hand they are dealt. Some make it their goal to be as stingy as possible and refuse ever taking a hand for the team. And then there are a few people who go into practically every hand aiming to shoot the moon.
If a player takes all 13 heart cards and the Queen of Spades during a single round, they earn no points, instead giving all other players the full 26-point penalty. It is a risky, high-stakes gamble that can either win you the game or set you in a huge deficit if another player manages to steal a trick. Yet despite the maneuver being heavily dependent on a combination of a lucky hand and confidence, I know some players who will try to shoot the moon nearly every round. They don't have the optimal cards; the other players have been doing much better all game; their total score might benefit heavily from playing conservatively and resetting. But the allure of the grand slam is too hard to overcome.
Volume IV: Shooting the Moon
Season 11
"Seriously. Look at that roster."
The Colorado Yeti of Season 11 were a threadbare team held together by twine and Elmer's glue. With a severe lack of young, active players, the few remaining talents were asked to shoulder a lot of the load. Serious title contention was probably unrealistic; playoff contention remained on the table.
Quarterback: With the Big Apple off to Baltimore, the keys to the offense were handed to the team's star former kicker, Micycle McCormick. McCormick inherited the team having already spent years in the league and built up a TPE reservoir, granting him an exception to the horrific debut seasons of his two predecessors. He led the NSFL in attempts and completions and fared well across the board in both counting and efficiency stats. Accordingly, the Yeti offense trailed only the Second Line in points scored.
Running Back: He wasn't receiving a ton of help from his ground game. Sophomore call-up Devo Cansino took the lead role in a double-headed backfield, rushing for over 700 yards on less than four yards per carry. Mark Grau had a similarly abysmal average, and the pair were only differentiated by the small difference in yards and the chokehold Cansino held on red zone touches (fourteen touchdowns to Grau's four).
Defensive Line: The preseason fears about Colorado’s sketchy defense bore fruit. With the unit as a whole surrendering more points than any other team in the league, one culprit was the atrocious roster in the trenches. Failed first rounder Ryan Lefevre returned to the roster on an inactive contract to play a rotational role on the edge. He and Vernon Collins combined for a spectacular 29 tackles.
Linebacker: Haruki Ishigawa and his league-leading 144 tackles were doing all they could to carry the weight here. Flanking him in the linebacking corps were Michael Tillman, away from his typical safety perch, and Rob Anderson on his second stint with the Yeti.
Secondary: Well, well, well. Channeling the spirit of Brice Boggs before him, Howard Miller took time off leading the league in receptions and yards to play double duty as Colorado’s primary cornerback. His extraordinary effort was marred by association with the cast of deplorables around him. Oskar Ludvig, Desta Danger, and Alexander Thibault all saw substantial snaps attempting to cover the opposing receivers. Here for the league to see was the harvest of all those failed first round picks.
Special Teams: Peg Leg was back from exile and assumed all kicking and punting duties from the grasp of the departing McCormick. Meanwhile, Andre Bly Jr.’s leaving prompted a necessary reshuffling of return duties. Kicks were split almost evenly between Miller and Dwayne Aaron, while the former handled all nineteen punts that the defense managed to force, lowest in the league. Poor Miller essentially never left the field.
With such a skeleton crew running the defense, one may wonder how the Yeti avoided a third winless season. The answer was the offense. Everything became channeled through the supreme effort of a few elite stars – McCormick, Aaron, Miller, Ishigawa – and Colorado did their best to come out on top of every shootout they found themselves in.
It was at this point in writing that I realized that the Yeti literally had the same order of opponents for three straight seasons, from S9 to S11. Come on, schedulers, how lazy were you?
The Week 1 home opener didn’t just feature the same opponent as the year prior, the Arizona Outlaws, but the same final score of 27-20. McCormick posted a sharp stat-line of 24 completions on 31 attempts and a pair of touchdowns, one each to Miller and to North. The ground game got a large workload, but the vast majority of those touches actually went to Grau, not Cansino. A late Arizona touchdown made the game seem less comfortable of a win than it actually was.
There was no disguising the demolishing the Yeti received when they visited Baltimore. Ryan Applehort was out for blood against his former team, passing for over 300 yards and a trio of scores. Colorado’s offense actually almost matched Baltimore’s in terms of yardage and time of possession, but the difference proved to be turnovers and inefficiency on third-and-long. The Yeti fell 45-13.
As it turned out, that Week 1 game was one of the lowest scoring games of the Yeti season. A high-flying offense and a busted defense proved the perfect recipe for shootouts and blowouts. This was the case in Week 3, when they dismantled a hapless Sabercats squad 37-14, and in Week 4, when they fell short to the Second Line 43-31.
In that Week 4 loss, McCormick tossed the ball 59 times, easily a career watermark for the fresh signal caller. He topped himself with 60 attempts the very next week in a close 34-31 win against the Liberty. This incredible volume came with lots of ups and downs, with a quartet of touchdowns thrown to receivers not named Howard Miller balanced by a trio of interceptions. He did not need to be nearly as active for the Yeti offense to have their highest scoring game of the season in Week 6, as the passing game took a backseat to the five combined touchdowns of Grau and Cansino on the ground. With this 51-41 victory over Yellowknife, Colorado now sat at a 4-2 record.
Two consecutive road losses brought the team back to heel. First, the Otters prevailed 27-16, limiting the offensive output of Colorado primarily to field goals. Howard Miller snagged two deflections and two interceptions, as well as leading both teams in yardage, but it did not prove enough of a jolt during a sleepy second half. Next was a thrilling 37-34 overtime loss in Arizona. McCormick tied the game up with only 36 seconds to spare, and even refrained from throwing any interceptions for once, but Arizona got the ball in overtime and kicked a field goal to end it.
What was to be made of the Yeti? Their offense was as high-flying, and their defense was as ramshackle, as critics had charged back in the offseason. But regardless, they had a .500 record and were solidly contending for another playoff berth. Predictions of their bottom-dwelling status had already been shaken up, as kolbe attested:
Quote:… After I predicted them to be the not only the worst defense in the league, but potentially league history, they signed 4 players. They weren’t great players, but they are miles better than bots. Despite that, they are league worst in pass defense, rush defense, and points allowed. On offense, their rushing is last in the league as well, meaning the pass offense is the only thing keeping this team competitive. McCormick has been very effective this season as a passer.
More of that effectiveness would be needed to keep the Yeti afloat. In their Week 9 bout hosting the Hawks, points flipped evenly between the two teams throughout the first three quarters. But McCormick eventually outdueled his predecessor. Without the benefit of a tremendous rushing attack like the one Applehort enjoyed, he posted a 127.0 passer rating and a trio of passing touchdowns while marching the offense up and down the field. Helped by three total goal line scores from the rushers, the Yeti heated up tremendously and scored 24 points in the fourth quarter alone. They secured their revenge against Applehort and the win, 45-27.
One might assume that visiting the 1-8 Sabercats would prove an easier win. On the contrary, it wasn’t until the third quarter that the Yeti seized a lasting lead. The offense proved thoroughly outproduced by a San Jose squad whose first win of the season came only the week prior, especially on the ground, where San Jose outrushed the visiting team 150 yards to 27. If the much-maligned Yeti defense had not snagged four of Joliet Christ’s passes and deflected seven more, the outcome might certainly have changed. Thankfully for the Yeti, the 27-24 final score favored them, and they got their first road win of the entire season.
McCormick suffered his first ugly outing in a while against the Second Line in Week 11. He threw more interceptions than touchdowns and boasted a lowly 66.9 rating despite his typically high yardage numbers. Salvation for the game came from his typical saboteurs, the running game and the defense, whose scores and turnovers won the game 27-17. They could not, however, save him from a Philadelphia-sponsored walloping. When McCormick again came out flat, the Liberty smelled blood and pounced. The 38-13 result snapped Colorado’s three-game win streak and actually knocked their season point differential into the negatives.
Still, with two games left to play, Colorado was on the inside track to make the playoffs and only needed to stay a game ahead of the 6-6 Liberty to remain so. They only ended up needing one week to do it. The Yeti visited Yellowknife in Week 13 and mostly righted the ship on offense, with clean games from McCormick, Cansino (who had by this time taken almost all of Grau’s snaps), and Miller giving a necessary boost. Their 36-21 victory also clinched a trip to the postseason, with Philadelphia losing in Baltimore and falling two games behind.
Even home field advantage was up for grabs. If Baltimore lost to New Orleans in the final week and Colorado beat Orange County, whichever team had more points scored on the season would get the top seed. Colorado did end up with more points scored, and the Hawks did end up losing, but unfortunately the Yeti lost as well, 32-31. A blocked punt at their own 12-yard line early in the fourth, and an Otters touchdown with only 1:11 left in the game, proved to be just enough to best the Colorado hosts. The Yeti finished the season with an 8-6 record and a subsequent trip to Baltimore.
And the wheels on the bus simply fell off. The prolific Yeti offense scored an opening drive touchdown and then were shut out for the rest of the game, with McCormick completing only twelve of his 35 passes. The defense, meanwhile, allowed the Hawks to assert dominance with ease to the tune of 600 total yards. It was a 45-7 trainwreck. This unstable squad had overachieved greatly beyond expectations, but they simply weren’t up to par with the other Ultimus contenders.
Six Yeti came away from Season 11 with Pro Bowl selections – McCormick, Miller, and Aaron on offense, and Pierno, Ishigawa, and Ludvig on defense. McCormick had overall performed better than expected, especially since much of his TPE was tied up due to the position switch. For the achievement of wrangling a playoff berth out of the barebones roster, infinite and dropbear became the first franchise GMs in ten years to take home the General Manager of the Year award and the first to do so without splitting with another team.
Quote:The Yeti were supposed to be bad - absolutely horrible - this season. New management started a fire sale on defense, selling stars such as Andre Bly Jr. and Eli Kamaka to Philly, as well as an integral part of their defense in Rickey Ramero to Orange County. Colorado was literally picking players off the street to play on their defense… but the Sim Gods seemed to smile down on the Yeti, as they outperformed all expectations and came within 30 seconds and two absolutely dumb red zone interceptions by QB Micycle McCormick in the Week 14 OCO game from stealing home field for the NSFC championship.
The undisputed star of the show was Miller. He led the league with 1437 receiving yards to go with 85 catches (third) and nine touchdowns (fourth). Incredibly, Miller also led the entire league in interceptions with seven and tied for third place with 21 deflections on top of 80 tackles and a touchdown. The aforementioned Pro Bowl came packaged with winning Wide Receiver of the Year and Colorado’s first-ever league MVP award. Having wisely decided that receivers should not be outperforming cornerbacks at their own job, the NSFL banned two-way players completely in a rules summit shortly before Season 12 began.
Alexandre Thibault’s announced retirement meant that the forthcoming season would be the last for the team’s first-round investment from only three seasons prior. Long-time members Damien Kroetch and Brian Wheat regressed into nothingness. Most of the remaining skeleton crew – at least those who had not already retired – were given inactive extensions, including Grau, Chipmunk, North, Pierno, Collins, Anderson, Danger, Ludvig, Tillman, and Leg.
The biggest offseason change prior to the draft wasn’t actually any roster move. In that arena the Yeti played their usual game of digging around in the dumpster, trading pennies of cap space for old inactive receiver John Wachter (@JohnWachter) and signing slightly less old inactive cornerback Mike Miles (@"AwkwardCowboys") and previously rostered inactive running back Willy Nyquist.
No, Colorado made its biggest splash by receiving a long-overdue branding refresh. After briefly toying with the notion of relocating to New Jersey, team management decided instead to replace their old logo. Out was the copyrighted "Snowcone Yeti" and in was a much simpler, much more effective look, prominently featuring the iconic C of the Colorado state flag and adding the yellow and blue of the flag as tertiary colors for contrast (NOT primary team colors, as infinite has so effusively reminded everyone over the years). This is the logo that any modern league user will recognize.
Aside from some unnecessary squabbling over copyright infringement of a public domain symbol, the league community generally praised the new design. This also came right in time for the GMs to announce the first two inductees to the team's Ring of Honor: Boss Tweed and Johnathon Saint. Dan Miller also became the first person entering the league Hall of Fame to have played for the Yeti, although he went in enshrined as a Sabercat.
All eyes were now turned to the draft. Thanks to previous trades, the Yeti now had three picks in the second round in addition to their first rounder at fifth overall. Pundits all agreed that Colorado was starved for young talent, especially on defense. Devo Cansino was their only draft pick since Howard Miller in the S7 Draft to be any variety of active and earning, and their big TPE hitters were all on the verge of regression or retirement. Naturally, two mocks predicted picking wide receiver Errol Maddox and the other predicted kicker Neo Donaldson.
Wide receiver wasn't actually too much of a stretch upon inspection. Dwayne Aaron was gone, Howard Miller had two seasons left before he began to regress, and McCormick needed warm bodies to throw the ball to. The decently large S12 draft class, with more prospects than any other crop in nine years, had a number of good options at the position to boot, Maddox among them. But seeing as he went second overall to the Hawks, Colorado looked elsewhere.
Pick 5 – James Bishop, WR @Bwestfield
Pick 12 – Logan Lejune, LB @PSanchez55
Pick 13 – Beau Montgomery, CB @Dangles13
Pick 14 – Rylant Wright, WR @RainDelay
Pick 21 – Luke Boechler, QB @
Pick 29 – Sam Garrad, DT @
Pick 37 – Soupy McBrain, LB @mcgriddleluver
Pick 45 – Joey Sachs, DE @jsachs
This infusion of youth was incredibly valuable to a team with less than five active users. Not every pick panned out; RainDelay went inactive only a short time after being selected. But the first three picks in particular proved vital to the Yeti, and both Sanchez and Dangles soon found their way into contributing to the war room.
Roster construction continued after the draft in the form of more inactive signings and trades. Defensive tackle Omar Wrong (@dave) and defensive end Odell Marrett (@slowpoke) were signed for pennies, and Colorado forked over a million in cap space to Arizona in order to grab receiver ShaDarrien LaMelllana ('cosbornballboy') and running back LaMarcus Strike (@OwlStrike13). Franchise favorite Haruki Ishigawa got another extension for $6 million total through the end of Season 15.
For the most part, these signings failed to push the needle on evaluations of the roster. The general league consensus agreed that the offense of McCormick, Miller, Bishop, and Cansino would be pretty good, that the defense had at best tread water, and that there were simply too many holes on the roster for the Yeti to be a serious threat. Would their new draftees be able to grow and contribute fast enough before McCormick and Miller became too old to compete?
Season 12
"Like...seriously...what has this franchise ever done right?"
As it turns out, teams that seem to endlessly sift through the dregs of available inactives often completely reshuffle their starting lineup. A combination of the above and the rather large draft class meant that quite a few players, particularly on the defense, found new roles within the Yeti.
Wide Receiver: Dwayne Aaron finally went to the retirement home after six seasons of service, which opened up the second receiver spot for the first-round rookie James Bishop. Bishop thrived under the opportunity, crossing over 1000 yards and catching seven touchdowns while Miller posted 1321 and eleven respectively. Portland Pythons legend John Wachter overcame arthritis to get decent yardage as the third option.
Defensive Line: Pierno remained the only familiar face in the trenches. Rookies Sam Garrad and Joey Sachs, as well as free agent signing Odell Marrett, did decent work, and Marrett actually led the entire league with fifteen tackles for loss. But the entire defensive unit only managed twelve sacks all season long. The next lowest team got 30.
Linebacker: By now two seasons into regression, Haruki Ishigawa finally ceded the premier linebacker spot to the rookie Logan Lejune. Flanked by fellow newcomer Soupy McBrain, Lejune put up an admirable 119 tackles, good for fifth in the league. The team as a whole ranked sixth of eight in total tackles, possibly because their opponents kept scoring instead. On the whole, Colorado's defense proved to be just as bad as the season before, giving up 495 points all season. To that point in league history, this was a mark only bested by the S8 Sabercats and the two winless Yeti squads.
Secondary: Freed from the responsibility of playing linebacker by the existence of actual linebackers, Michael Tillman resumed his usual duties of floating around the backfield, this time joined by Mike Miles. Meanwhile, with league-best cornerback Howard Miller barred from flaunting his talent, rookie Beau Montgomery had to deal with Desta Danger as his cornerback pairing, a potential factor as to why their defense surrendered a league-worst average of 445.4 yards per game.
Special Teams: Mark Grau actually received the majority of kick return snaps, but Miller ran for over 200 yards more on eleven less snaps, helped out tremendously by a 104-yard return touchdown. Every punt went to the trusty hands of Danger, who also found paydirt with the only punt return score of the whole season.
Once again, Colorado decided to put the fate of their season in the capabilities of their passing offense. McCormick, Miller, and Bishop would have to pick up the slack, because the defense certainly didn't seem likely to help them out. Unlike the previous season, however, luck was simply not on the Yeti's side.
The Week 1 opener was a tone setter. On the road in Orange County, Colorado jumped to an early 14-0 lead thanks to a pair of touchdowns going Miller's and Wachter's way. But once the Otters got humming early in the second, they simply refused to stop. Five uninterrupted touchdowns in the second and third buried any chance of visitor momentum. It ended as a 51-24 blowout.
Quote:If the Yeti were a song it would be "Sad but True" by Metallica. Which is mostly because it's currently playing while I write this. But also because it's exactly what the title says. This team is probably the worst team in the entire league. What the GMs did last season was nothing short of amazing. This is the worst team in the league. I know I already said that. Just reiterating.
If anyone believed Colorado could shake it off with their next two games at home, they were mistaken. Against the Hawks, Colorado racked up yardage galore but could not turn it into points, hindered by the two pick-sixes thrown by McCormick. Although they lost 41-10, the team did fight much harder in Week 3 against the Outlaws, which became a back-and-forth shootout much more to the Yeti style. Arizona went on a scoring tear in the second quarter, but Colorado threatened to even it up before McCormick threw yet another pick six and killed their chances. Miller and Bishop ran wild, but their reward was a 48-34 loss.
Visiting the Second Line couldn't right the ship. McCormick stopping throwing interceptions, but he also stopped throwing touchdowns, and Peg Leg's three field goals were the only scores of Colorado's night. Truly the only exceptional thing from the 41-9 was how exceptionally mundane this sort of experience was becoming. It took two more field goals before McCormick finally found the end zone again late in the fourth in Week 5 against the Sabercats, although it was far too little, too late to win that game either. It was a humdrum 28-13 defeat.
The Yeti seemed entirely hapless on the field. However, this was not the same team as the dark ages of Season 6 and 7; their offense was not nearly putrid enough to go winless. In Week 6, they finally put it together. McCormick threw a trio of touchdowns with no turnovers and also ran nine times for 77 yards and a score against Philadelphia. In fact, McCormick's wheels spun for over 500 yards on the ground in Season 12, nearly matching the yardage of lead back Cansino. Colorado seized control of the game early and weathered the storm for a 45-30 victory.
Next up were the Wraiths. Once again Colorado faced off against ex-signal caller Ryan Applehort and roughed him up severely; he had only a 67.4 passer rating and threw three interceptions. Unfortunately, McCormick copied his predecessor's 67.4 rating due to his own pair of interceptions and the Yeti were down 11 going into the fourth. Then, the Yeti pieced together a rather fortuitous field goal, Sachs safety, and Lejune pick six to steal the win by one point, 29-28.
So at the season's midway point, the 2-5 Yeti were actually only one game behind the Liberty and two behind the division-leading Hawks. Sure, they had yet to hold an opponent to less than four touchdowns. But if the wet paper bag defense could get it together at least a little, maybe they had a chance of pulling another playoff race out of their hat.
But as they had done in the first half of the year, the Otters decided to start the second half by proving a point. Orange County shot out to a 28-0 lead by halftime and never let the possibility of a comeback blossom. McCormick's passer rating of 40.0, coming off of no scores and three interceptions, was the worst of his career to that point. It ended up as a 45-13 loss.
The offense showed up in better shape in Week 9, but unfortunately the defense did not. Three passing touchdowns, four rushing touchdowns, and a kick return touchdown created a scoring deluge that the dysfunctional Yeti simply could not hope to match. McCormick continued his personal campaign to rack up interceptions, and his touchdowns compensated only in making the 58-28 final score more respectable.
Unbelievably, the 2-7 Yeti were still well in range of a playoff berth. They had the benefit of a weak NSFC, flanked by the 1-8 Wraiths and the 3-6 Liberty. All that needed to happen, at a minimum, was to win at least one more game than Philadelphia did. This was of course conditional on winning games, something Colorado seemed intensely uncomfortable with doing.
Visiting the Outlaws in Week 10, Colorado’s turgid effort resulted in a dire 24-0 deficit by halftime and a 30-7 hole by the end of the third quarter. Then the switch flipped. Summoning a willpower largely foreign to them, McCormick’s offense stormed back with a fury, throwing three touchdowns to Wachter and Cansino and making a pair of two-point conversions. The defense did their part, stopping Arizona from gaining a single first down in the quarter until the game was already tied up and flipping the field with an interception and blocked punt. Colorado received the ball in overtime and won 36-30 with a Miller score.
Like a bat out of hell, the Yeti scratched and clawed their way up the rankings. After falling behind to New Orleans 21-9 at halftime, a struggling Colorado offense still managed to put up just enough points (and take advantage of Beat Meoff missing an easy kick) to beat the Second Line with a last-second 57-yard field goal, 29-27. Then a truly miraculous occurrence in Week 12 – a comfortable win. The Yeti contained the Sabercats 31-10, never once in danger with their defense unexpectedly limiting pretty much everything in a matchup they were statistically supposed to lose.
Colorado was riding high. While the franchise celebrated Boss Tweed’s entry into the Hall of Fame, despite his entry as an unaffiliated player, they now had to host Philadelphia to essentially decide their playoff fate. The Liberty had not made the scenario any easier, winning every game in the past three weeks and sitting at 6-6. The 5-7 Yeti needed to win their next two games to guarantee entry, while losing the head-to-head would knock them out.
It was a pitched battle. Both host and visitor took turns scoring, never once gaining more than a single-possession lead over the other. Once Colorado tied the game at 24 and both squads forced punts, the Yeti needed to stop Philadelphia’s offense one last time with less than four minutes to spare. But for the last and most crucial time all year, the defense collapsed. With two 38-yard completions, the Liberty bounded down the field with ease. Colorado missed the playoffs, 31-24, and their 31-27 victory over Yellowknife a week later was nothing more than a consolation prize.
What to do, what to do? Sure, Bishop, Lejune, and Montgomery were a promising trio of active rookies. Sure, McCormick, Miller (as receiver and returner), Bishop, and Montgomery earned Pro Bowl spots, and Miller earned Returner of the Year. Infinite had even won Most Dedicated User. But the situation remained truly desperate.
Besides the aforementioned rookies and the two GMs, only DonnoMania was even sporadically active. McCormick was regressing for the first time, and Miller would only be a year behind him. For years after the end of the Maestro era, the team had flitted around the .500 mark, making or missing the playoff dance by the skin of their teeth and then losing to the more well-rounded competition. This strategy was not working, and any possible window was snapping shut.
Dropbear and infinite took stock of the league. The upcoming ISFL draft class was tiny; the DSFL draft class behind them was even smaller. As much as anyone was loathe to admit it, contraction or even dissolution of the league grew an ever more threatening possibility. Why not seize the moment? Why not push in all the chips, sell the future at one last shot at the McCormick/Miller present? Trade picks for active veterans, as many as possible to give the locker room even a temporary boost and truly vie for the title.
And so it was that very early into the Season 13 offseason, Colorado dealt New Orleans their first-round picks in both the S13 and S15 drafts, as well as Rylant Wright, as the price for linebacker Brian Mills (@PaytonM34). Two days later, he was joined by former Baltimore safety Blackford Oakes (@Beaver) and tight end Verso L'Alto (@nunccoepi) who, along with a chunk of cap space, had been traded for a first-round pick in the S14 draft and a second in S13, S14, and S15.
In two fell swoops, the Yeti had signed away their six most premium draft selections to get three star players. These were no spring chickens, either; all were either already regressing or on the verge of beginning. And none were guaranteed to be more than one-year rentals. Mills was only signed through the year, while Oakes and L'Alto came with the trade condition that Baltimore could – and fully intended to – tamper them for Season 14 and beyond.
These weren't the only movements the franchise made in the young offseason. Losing six inactives to auto-retirement, including Nicholas Pierno, they needed bodies to plug in. Grau, LaMelllana, Chipmunk, Marrett, Wrong, Danger, Ludvig, Miles, and Tillman received their obligatory inactive extensions, and kicker Kyle Corbett (@kylecorbett42) was scooped up to replace the now-retired Leg. The user of Eli Kamaka, PDXBaller, also returned to the team on his second player, second-year cornerback Axel Hornbacher.
Needless to say, this entire sequence immediately changed the league's calculus on what to expect from Colorado. Obviously adding the league's best tight end, a premier linebacker, and a premier safety provided some serious star power. McCormick, Miller, Bishop, and L'Alto would be an explosive passing attack, even with a middling ground game. The lingering sentiment, however, was that the team probably gave up way too much. What good was mortgaging your future for a pack of rental bounty hunters?
Quote:I know, the hooplah currently is treat the possibilities as all negative. But let's talk about how this could go right for the Yeti. Best case scenario is that these moves are the difference between 6 wins and 10. And let me tell you...that's not farfetched at fucking all. They have home field, make it to the Ultimus and finally win. If that happens and everything else goes wrong, the question will become whether or not it was worth it… If you win the Ultimus and that happens, there's an argument you succeeded. No one can take that away.
Therein lay the gist. Dropbear and infinite were not concerned if all four of their premium offseason acquisitions flitted away after one season. That one season was all that mattered. An Ultimus victory would smooth over any subsequent rebuild, no matter how painful.
Disregarding a minor trade for cap space that cost their S14 third, the next offseason activity by Colorado came packaged with some free controversy. Inactive defensive tackle Mark David (@Mark D) declined his contract with the Outlaws, leading the Yeti to believe that he was now a free agent and to attempt to sign him on a year-long deal. Arizona protested that inactives were not able to decline their contracts, by precedent and by lack of law.
The scuffle eventually merited a decision by Head Office, who clarified that David's rights were still owned by the Outlaws. However, teams that reached out to him who would otherwise have been on the hook for tampering, like the Otters and Yeti, would be excused for being confused on the scope of inactive contract rules. The decision implemented a new 48-hour window regarding these contracts to prevent future issues from arising.
Come draft time, Colorado had very little to do but see what pickings would fall to their perch in the third round. Any rookie they could get would be almost inconsequential for the season ahead.
Pick 19 – Caleb McCoy, QB @TrueTexican
Given McCormick's age, and the lack of any chance of grabbing next draft's vaunted quarterback recreate duo of Cooter Bigsby and Corvo Havran, taking a spin with McCoy was a worthwhile gamble. Unfortunately, he went inactive very quickly after the draft. Colorado essentially landed nothing at all.
Of course, when you trade your worthwhile picks away for veterans, you don't expect the late spots to yield gold. Colorado's focus was squarely on the season immediately ahead. They had pushed their chips in, pinned everything on the Ultimus hunt, and potentially doomed the team to years of pain and struggle without a guarantee of success. But that's the risk one takes when they shoot the moon.
Season 13
"I hope management at least has good chiropractor on standby for when the offense's back is destroyed from trying to carry this team."
The wider league community pegged the Yeti as a surefire lock to make the playoffs along with Baltimore, almost entirely because of their spree of high-profile acquisitions. Would the Yeti's new pieces mesh well with the rest of their jerry-built squad? Their GMs certainly hoped so; everything was riding on this shot.
Running Back: Despite Grau having been dead as a doorknob for seasons, and despite Cansino not being so, the team opted to run an almost 50-50 timeshare for the two backs, of which Grau was the beneficiary of the larger share. Both rushed for almost 700 yards on the season and sixteen touchdowns between them, ten for Grau and six for Cansino.
Wide Receiver: Funnily enough, in a year where the passing game was expected to take a leap forward, Miller and Bishop actually gained less yardage than their prior campaigns. In the slot position stood camp body ShaDarrien LaMelllana, the last man standing in a wide receiver room that had lost Rylant Wright to trade, John Wachter to free agency, and Fox North to retirement.
Tight End: Of course, the aforementioned receiving recession can be attributed in no small part to the arrival of Verso L'Alto. Not since Carlito Crush had the Yeti enjoyed a legitimate threat at the tight end position. L'Alto ranked third in his position group in yards at 879 and caught eight touchdowns from McCormick.
Defensive Line: The trenches were the one area of the defense not anchored by at least one star. Besides the typical cast-offs and rejects both new and returning, the notable name of the bunch was Haruki Ishigawa. The former anchor of the entire defense was now knee-deep in regression, and he played on the defensive edge to lend at least some punch to an otherwise unimpressive talent pool.
Linebacker: Logan Lejune led the team in tackles as a rookie. Now, a year older, Lejune had to cede his premier position to the veteran Brian Mills, although he also enjoyed an impressive array of secondary statistics from four forced fumbles and seven sacks to seventeen deflections.
Secondary: Finally cognizant of the fact that other teams passed the ball, Colorado's secondary added two new playmakers in the second-year Axel Hornbacher and the veteran Blackford Oakes. The cornerback duo of Montgomery and Hornbacher deflected over a dozen passes apiece, with Oakes and the ever-present Tillman working behind them.
Special Teams: Kyle Corbett's introduction as team kicker went rather poorly. He completed only sixteen of 23 kicks for a league-worst 69.6% field goal accuracy and averaged only 44 yards per punt, also league-worst. On the kick return team, Miller split snaps evenly with Bishop and came out slightly on top in terms of yardage, with both getting a touchdown. He also split punt returns evenly with Oakes, and here too both scored.
Colorado's team was saddled with some severe expectations, tempered only by the fact that the team was in Colorado. This mindset ran into immediate difficulty when they opened the season with a definitive road loss, 31-10. The Otters disregarded all the new Yeti defenders and passed the ball with ease, while McCormick's offense seemed to sputter and falter at every inopportune moment. His touchdown pass to L'Alto late in the fourth disguised the degree to which the team had fallen flat on their face.
When the Hawks started their Week 2 game up 9-0 before the first quarter was even halfway over, it didn't seem the negative momentum would halt. But an Oakes pick-six provided the necessary jolt. Colorado went on a scoring tear in the second half, including a second pick-six from Hornbacher and touchdown passes to Miller and LaMelllana. Despite no receiver breaching 50 yards and the ground game as average as can be, the defensive spark solidified the win, 35-19. No wonder the sim listed the Offensive Player of the Game as "N/A".
After two subpar outings, McCormick finally turned in a performance with no interceptions in the Week 3 visit to Arizona. Tossing two in the endzone to L'Alto and Chipmunk, as well as rushing for his own score, McCormick led the offense to scores when his Outlaw counterpart couldn't, matching blow for blow for a 34-17 victory. Potential inspiration came from the recent induction of Fuego Wozy into the Hall of Fame, the first inductee to go in under the Colorado colors.
Anyone familiar with the Yeti would have been waiting for the other shoe to drop, and it did in Yellowknife. McCormick returned to his familiarly un-clutch practices with a vengeance, throwing a pair of interceptions and fumbling the ball on a rush. The last of these turnovers came when Colorado was down only 8 and driving down to tie the game. The final margin of defeat ended up being almost twice that, and the 30-15 loss plunged the team's record to 2-2.
Two solid wins and two bad losses gave a conflicting image of Colorado's actual strength. Far from the super squad intended by the offseason moves, the Yeti were fluky and playing below their supposed talent level. Some of this could be attributed to the roster building – the defense was still pockmarked with subpar starters – while a healthy amount came from sim luck simply not falling their way. Unfortunately, this problem of variability would plague the Yeti all season.
For example, Colorado hosted a comparably talented Philadelphia squad and dismantled them effortlessly. Cansino and Grau combined for five touchdowns on less than 100 combined yards, the beneficiaries of an explosive passing attack that added three more scores through the sky. Even McCormick's signature second-half interception could not halt the train since his defense snagged two of their own and forced two fumble recoveries. Maybe this 59-0 blowout was the arrival of a sleeping giant.
Or maybe not. When visiting the league-best Sabercats in Week 6, the Yeti admirably managed to match blow for blown and keep the game low-scoring. It was a 17-17 tie midway through the fourth before the defense finally gave way. They could not stop San Jose from scoring and chewing most of the remaining clock while doing so; Colorado's last drive fell short and turned the ball over on downs. The last touchdown only added salt into the wound of the 34-17 loss.
Two league events shook up the team to varying degrees as they prepared for their next game. First, a rather discontenting winter ended with the uncovering of six multis run by @
Boechler had never played, but Garrad had served as a rotational piece over the past season and a half on the defensive line. His presence was inexplicably replaced for the last eight games by the ghost of Nicholas Pierno, legally auto-retired yet playing from the grave. I have no idea how.
Far more relevant to Colorado was an attempted trade between them and Baltimore. This was a doozy on first glance: Baltimore was handing over safety Darren Morris (@Roly), defensive edge Cordell Joshua (@Drizzy), and familiar face Mark David in exchange for Omar Wrong and a mind-boggling $20 million in cap space for both Season 14 AND Season 15. Clearly, the Yeti were doubling down on the all-in effort. But what explained such bizarre compensation?
The answer was found further down the trade, where it was specified that the cap space would return to Colorado if Howard Miller was on the Baltimore Hawks in Season 14. In effect, the cap space was Baltimore holding Colorado hostage, exchanging a trio of defensive upgrades for the future rights to Miller's services. If it was not clear before that the Yeti did not care one iota for a soft rebuild, this would certainly crystallize it.
Naturally, the league community was flabbergasted. That much cap space being dealt in one trade was eye-popping enough without considering the provisions regarding Miller, who was still very much Colorado's GM. Was this tampering? Was this collusion? Was it even legal? Head Office decided it was very much not so, and it only took a few hours after the trade's posting for it to be vetoed, the first time HO had ever taken such action. The reasons for doing so were inconsistent among the members – some thought the ludicrous cap space exchange would ruin competitive balance, while others thought the agreement was borderline tampering. Most in the league saw this as the right decision. Some went further than that.
Quote:The denied trade with Baltimore contained a clause that said the Yeti would get their $20 million back if their CURRENT GM was on the Hawks roster next season. Thus making public what every team knew behind the scenes. The Captain is abandoning ship hard and fast. He literally tried to blackmail the GM that follows him to trade him to a specific conference rival. This is without a doubt the worst performance by a GM in the history of this league. The staggering achievement of somehow making the Yeti worse under a pretense of trying to win this season, currently having the 5th or 6th best record, and paving your own way to a high profile franchise after you bounce is so incredibly audacious that words literally can't do it justice.
The truth was far less inflammatory, and far kinder to dropbear, than the worst contemporary critics believed. The Yeti wanted to load up for Season 13, the Hawks wanted to do the same for Season 14, and in return for the immediate buffs across the board Colorado would promise Miller's services in free agency. The cap space was collateral to ensure that dropbear did not attempt to weasel out of the deal and the Hawks received their promised compensation; it was not even the first option explored to achieve this effect.
Once the specific language was reached, the GMs of the Hawks and Yeti discussed whether the trade would breach the rule against GMs executing trades that removed their own GM eligibility, to which the answer was a tentative no. The entire matter, from the need to resign as GM to the uncertainty of tampering, made the entire process legally dubious. When the Noble multi debacle just so happened to pop up the same day, the negotiators thought it was a good opportunity to slip in the trade unnoticed.
Unfortunately for both teams, there is no such thing as a Friday news dump in the ISFL. It does not matter how many other interesting scandals or drama have already happened; people will still jump on new intrigues like sharks in bloody water. So when the trade became unquestionably noticed, and soon dismantled, the enterprise fell apart. Colorado grew reticent to discuss any further possibilities.
The Yeti didn't make any other trades to shore up their roster before the deadline passed; it was up to the team they already had to go the distance. The next test was visiting the Second Line in Week 7. Things clicked for the offense in the first half, and Colorado leapt to a 24-14 halftime lead. Then, McCormick did what he did best and shoot himself in the foot. Twice in the second half, the Yeti worked their way into New Orleans territory before he threw an interception. Inexplicably, tied at 24 and facing fourth down on the 38-yard line, the sim decided not to try for a long field goal to win; on the first play of overtime, McCormick tossed his final pick. The Second Line won, 30-24.
There was no break awaiting in Week 8. Philadelphia piled on early and led by halftime thanks to the legs of Marquise Brown. Colorado did not fall into despondency, however, and shook themselves out of their offensive stupor. Despite another McCormick pick six, he also threw a hat trick to Verso L'Alto and completed the comeback with the third of these touchdowns late in the fourth. The Liberty drove all the way down the field, but the defense held their ground in the red zone and ran out the clock on the 30-26 comeback win.
Despite their issues at quarterback, the Yeti still held a favorable position eight weeks into the season. The NSFC was an incredibly weak conference, exemplified by the Baltimore Hawks' surprising 1-7 start. By benefit of sweeping the Liberty, the 4-4 Yeti sat on top of the conference with the 4-4 Liberty and 3-5 Wraiths behind them. Home field advantage, which had eluded Colorado for many seasons, seemed ever more possible with the Baltimore roadblock finally removed. And only one of their remaining six matchups was on the road.
Being at home didn't help much when the Sabercats came to town. The 51-24 loss actually severely underscores just how thoroughly the Yeti offense was held in check; two of those three touchdowns came from a punt return and a kick return. Otherwise, Colorado gained only 219 yards to San Jose's 502. McCormick completed only half of his passes and turned it over twice, Grau led the team with 26 rushing yards, and aside from the two-sack, three-deflection effort of Lejune, the defense's resistance proved entirely ineffective.
Quote:The only thing Colorado has accomplished this year is to improve MemeMaestro's legacy. The team sold out it's future to grab high level regression players from other teams so that they could go all in with a kicker turned QB and be....4-5. All that for the low low cost of the 1sts and 2nds for each of the next two seasons. In fact, they don't even have a 3rd next season. They sold out the entire team. This one isn't even an overreaction. Colorado has actually exceeded my ability to be ridiculous.
Thankfully, not every team was San Jose, and Colorado kicked it up a notch with their season and dignity on the line. When facing New Orleans, the Yeti didn't allow any comeback the second time around. Each of their three starting cornerbacks snagged interceptions, McCormick threw three touchdowns, and Cansino became the first and only Yeti rusher all season to break 100 yards. This 34-17 victory was followed by a 33-17 victory against the Otters. Cansino and Grau carried the load with over 90 yards apiece while more defenders joined the pick party. McCormick completed only twelve passes, but he also wasn't in the pick party for the first time in a while. Progress!
Unfortunately the momentum didn't last in the season's final road game in Baltimore. For the third week in a row, the Yeti defense picked off the opposing quarterback thrice. Two of those times were from Montgomery, who added four deflections and scored a touchdown on one of his takeaways. Colorado's offense could not match the momentum. Only late in the third did the offense find the endzone, and needing a comeback in the fourth they faltered with a lost fumble and interception. It was a 35-23 defeat in the end.
Two games to go before the postseason dance. The Yeti secured their ticket with a convincing 41-21 triumph over Arizona. Oakes picked off the opposition twice and forced a fumble, while McCormick added four scores combined in the air and on the ground. It was the first game in a while where Colorado was never behind. As far as playoff clinching games go, this one was pretty easygoing.
Home field was a different matter. The 8-5 Liberty were one game ahead in the standings, but the Yeti held the tiebreaker advantage thanks to their sweep of the head-to-head matchup. They'd need a win and a Philadelphia loss in the final week to clinch the top seed in the NSFC for the first time since Season 1. Thankfully, the Liberty drew the Sabercats and the Yeti drew the Wraiths.
Accordingly, Philadelphia lost. Would Colorado do the same? Yellowknife actually outpaced the Yeti in offensive yardage, especially through the air. The primary difference came from the defense and special teams, where two interceptions and a kickoff return touchdown contributed their fair share. The random explosion of ShaDarrien LaMelllana, who went for 123 yards and a touchdown, helped the offense enough to win the day, 38-24. Home field advantage in the conference championship belonged to the Yeti.
This would be the final test. The team had taken the plunge, claimed the Queen of Spades and was now racking up the hearts. It had been an extraordinarily uneven season, much more so than anticipated, but the first seed was theirs regardless. In the playoffs, anything can happen. If they could beat Philadelphia, they would have to go on the road to either San Jose or Orange County and win to claim that invaluable title.
And it certainly needed to be a win, because it quickly became apparent come playoffs time that Colorado had made a big mistake. On March 4, the day of the conference championship games, the r/nfl floodgates opened and the S15 draft class ballooned in size. The league was not dying after all. And in that extraordinarily rich draft, the Yeti owned neither their first nor second-round picks. On the plus side, the depth of the class meant that the painful rebuild might not take as long as imagined.
First came the conference title bout between Colorado and Philadelphia. The Liberty were hungry for a revenge match, but they fared about as well as Zuko against Katara in the North Pole. The Yeti came out the gate firing on all cylinders. With the exception of a blocked field goal, every Colorado drive before the fourth quarter ended in a score. McCormick threw four touchdowns, Cansino and Grau ran for three more, and the defense picked off the Liberty five times. McCormick even waited to throw his interceptions until the last quarter when the game was already out of hand. Late scores made the 50-27 result a little less embarrassing for the visitors. Colorado was returning to the Ultimus.
They received fortuitous news from the other conference when San Jose lost in an upset to Orange County. The Otters were the reigning champions, but like the Yeti they had underperformed all year comparative to their talent level, and unlike the Sabercats they had split the series with Colorado. Sure, everyone thought the Otters would win anyways. But the Yeti were here to shock them all.
The game began with a promising drive that stalled at Orange County's 30-yard line; the sim being what it is, the Yeti punted instead of trying a field goal. They intercepted Otters quarterback Gus T.T. Showbiz only a few plays later and started again in the red zone, but a -13-yard pass to Chipmunk on 2nd and 1 doomed the drive to only a kick. Both teams traded punts before the Otters tied the game with their own field goal. The next Yeti drive made it nearly to the red zone before, as had happened all season, McCormick threw an inopportune pick. The Otters capitalized to go up 10-3.
One more Yeti field goal made it 10-6 before halftime, but when the Otters started the second half with a touchdown, Colorado finally stopped settling for field goals and made their own touchdown on the next drive. Another pair of punts and Showbiz got intercepted again; a third down sack pushed the Yeti out of field goal range, and they punted once more. Two more traded punts apiece were bad news for Colorado, because time was running out.
And then the Otters finally broke through for another score with 8:40 left in the fourth. Now down 24-13, the Yeti absolutely needed to score. But McCormick went three and out instead, and although they forced another punt, the following touchdown drive took up almost all remaining clock. It ended 24-21, the Otters celebrating a second dynasty and the Yeti going home defeated.
Sometimes your best shot just doesn't work out. Despite Colorado losing the Ultimus, it had been an admirable attempt regardless to load up and go all-in. Unfortunately, the jig was officially up. This era of Yeti football was over, and the rebuild was just beginning.
Seven players made the Pro Bowl this season: McCormick, Miller at receiver and returner, L'Alto, Mills, Lejune, and Hornbacher. Miller's returner campaign, one of only two in the league to score both on a kick and a punt, also earned the team's only award for Returner of the Year.
Who would be staying and who would be going? Hornbacher had signed a one-year extension midway through the season, while Mills also renewed for a year-long contract. While Hornbacher's career was just beginning, Mills' was coming to an end. He announced his retirement just after the end of the Ultimus game, intending to ride out his twilight year as a Yeti.
Others had no such intentions. Predictably, both L'Alto and Oakes jumped ship back to Baltimore. Mike Miles and Desta Danger regressed into auto-retirement. A bevy of inactives whose dance with the grim reaper had not yet arrived, including Grau, LaMelllana, Chipmunk, Marret, Wrong, Ludvig, Tillman, and Corbett, were given the typical inactive extension. Bishop and Montgomery landed early three-year, $6 million extensions securing their services through Season 17.
The biggest personnel change was Howard Miller. Dropbear and infinite both knew the team wouldn't be competing again any time soon. So with McCormick having only a few years left of serviceable play, dropbear decided to retire Miller right at his prime. Already owning every relevant receiving record in Colorado history, he sacrificed filling out a HOF-trajectory career in order to recreate for the S15 Draft as the team's future starting quarterback, Jay Longshaw.
Quote:The roster needs a a lot of work as previously great players get old and a lot of missed picks pile up. It's a mess. They don't even own a pick this season until the 4th round. I'm pretty sure we're not going 4 rounds this time. They'll need to hit big and fast in future drafts.
One might assume that Colorado, now knowing the fortuitous value of their later-round draft selections in the S15 bonanza, would jealously guard these tickets to a speedy rebuild. One would be wrong. In a pair of trades before the S14 Draft came and went with no Yeti picks to speak of, they traded away their fifth, sixth, and tenth rounders to the Outlaws and Liberty in exchange for receiver Viggo Squanch (@Durden), tight end Balthazar Crindy (@dub), and safety Jonathan Towers (Supersquare04, making a surprise return). After the draft, they sent over their ninth and eleventh to Philly again for corner Lucari Felix (@Official DT) and swapped an eighth for a tenth and previously employed defensive end Norman Bagwell with Arizona again. Mid-range players galore!
Colorado couldn't seal the deal in Season 13 despite their best efforts. Having trudged out of a miserable two seasons of despondency into a pained, laborious rebuild, the GMs staked it all on one year of serious contention. Shooting the moon is risky and prone to failure, leaving the player with an uncomfortable hand of hearts and knocking them ever-further from winning the game. This time, it didn't pan out. If the Yeti wanted to win it all, they'd have to do it the long way.
Continued in Volume V
Section Contributors:
@iamslm22
@infinitempg
Sources and Further Reading
Transgender lesbian, S15 veteran, media extraordinaire, and the sim's punching bag. Fascists and bigots are welcome to fuck off.
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For Your Reading Consideration:
Before the Butchers | The Jungle
The Giving Tree | Volume II | Volume III
A Winter of Discontent | Volume II
The Rockiest Road | II | III | IV | V | VI | VII | Finale
Two Essays on Unfree Agency: On Agents | On Contracts
Eclipse of the Honey Moon | Volume II
Gemini Media Awards:
S39 | S40 | S41 | S42 | S43 | S44 | S45 | S46 | S47
All Winners
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— — —
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For Your Reading Consideration:
Before the Butchers | The Jungle
The Giving Tree | Volume II | Volume III
A Winter of Discontent | Volume II
The Rockiest Road | II | III | IV | V | VI | VII | Finale
Two Essays on Unfree Agency: On Agents | On Contracts
Eclipse of the Honey Moon | Volume II
Gemini Media Awards:
S39 | S40 | S41 | S42 | S43 | S44 | S45 | S46 | S47
All Winners
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